The Hot Accessory No Starlet Can Be Without: A Bad Dad

Tom Cruise: 'I Don't Run United Artists; I Just Own It.'

Horny gossip spinster Liz Smith had unwittingly curried favor with Tom Cruise by appearing on an episode of Fox News Channel's gossip-for-conservatives show Lips & Ears, in which she opined that misunderstood Nazis: Just The Nice Ones-vehicle Valkyrie should be "accepted in the same way World War II movies by Tom Hanks, Clint Eastwood and Francis Ford Coppola." (The actor has a staff combing the airwaves 24-hours a day for Cruise-positive messages; both Smith and Lips & Ears have now been slid into the Allies column.) What followed was a candid chat with the actor on everything from his crumbling UA dominion, to his comedic turn as a Harvey Weinstein-type in Tropic Thunder, to his billion-year war bride Katie Holmes bruise-inducing preparations for her Broadway debut:

'I LOVE Paula Wagner, but she wants to produce elsewhere and in her own venue, and I don't intend to stand in her way. I'll say this of her leaving United Artists - whatever Paula wants is what I want her to have! And I hope we'll continue working together on future projects."

So spoke Tom Cruise on the phone with me this week. He added, cryptically: "I don't run United Artists; I just own it."

'Top Chef' Star Marcel Busted For Driving Under the Influence of Cooking Sherry

Matthew McConaughey's Mom Recalls The Time His Father Expired Inside Her

Behind every great man is a great mom—and no one knows that more than Tropic Thunder star Matthew McConaughey, who appears to have chosen a perfectly lovely one to bear him a son, suitable for toting to red carpet events and John Mellencamp concerts in a Coleman beer cooler. But what of McConaughey himself? To whom can we attribute his uncompromisingly freewheeling spirit, his Southern sophistication, and, yes, his undeniable sexual ferocity? To put it a little more floridly: Who planted little Matthew's placenta beneath a tree, and tended to it lovingly until it bore fruit? We now have an answer:

In her new book, I Amaze Myself! (iamazemyself.com), Kay McConaughey dishes on everything from her son Matthew’s conception to how her husband died in a compromising position with her!

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.

Aaron Sorkin-Like Presence Invades Facebook In The Name Of Research

We invite devoted Defamer readers to think back now, to almost two years ago to the day. The U.S. dollar dominated global free markets. Whitney Houston was in the middle of a liquor-store-robbery crime spree that left dozens dead. And a little show by the name of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip had captured the imaginations of the American working class, caught up weekly in its by-turns harrowing and inspirational tales from the front lines of the network sketch comedy wars. If you're still with us, you'll too recall Defaker, the Defamer-inspired mock gossip site that attempted to promote the series on NBC.com by opening itself up to visitor comments. Several harsh insights followed ("Aaron Sorkin, I'll be seeing you soon! Posted by: Crack | September 21, 2006 08:30 PM" springs to mind), the site was quickly shuttered, and the ill-conceived exercise was chocked up by the lauded series creator as yet another example of the ugliness that will inevitably spring forth from the anonymous blogging wilds.

J-Lo, J-Hud and Dems Playing Poker: A 'Defamer Decides' Round-Up

How does the slowest industry news week of the year suddenly become a busy one at Defamer? Simple: Just add a Washington bureau! However, since we entered grueling negotiations last week to bring Victoria Jackson aboard as our full-time bureau chief and ideological consultant, we've fallen behind on a list of essential stories coming out of this week's Democratic National Convention. So for the sake of your political edification and our poor, congested inboxes, here's the latest worth knowing from Denver and beyond:

'Tropic Thunder' Makes America's Pee-Pee Maker T-t-tingle

Having been nudged awake this morning by a shirtless man in a fedora and pink Chuck Taylors as you snoozed peacefully beneath a table outside Intelligentsia Cafe, another Sunset Junction appears to have come and gone—as has any memory of the last seven hours you spent there. We'll give you a moment to gather your belongings before inundating you with the weekend's box office receipts:

1. Tropic Thunder - $16.1 million
In a weekend that saw some colossal summer comedy flops—more on that later—it must have come as happy news to the producers of Tropic Thunder that it retained its top spot at the box office two weeks in a row. That brings this big-budget paean to tropical scenery-chewing and wartime hammery to a not-too-shabby $65.7 million. “We definitely felt internally we were going to be No. 1, but Saturday was a pleasant surprise,” said DreamWorks/Paramount rep Chip Sullivan as he emerged from the executive bathroom with a look of triumphant accomplishment spread across his face.

Kiefer Sutherland Enjoys Subs, Brunettes

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our millions of Defamer operatives. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw a tired Kiefer Sutherland eating lunch with Gary Oldman and a couple of stunning brunettes. UPDATE (8/26/08): C'mon guys, we need you to be better than this! We just got this email from Gary Oldman's manager: "…About your item on Gary and Keifer, alas, Gary was not with Kiefer on Friday, Gary was out of the country on holiday with his family. Prior to that, Gary spent ten days in Barbados. Gary has not seen Kiefer for years and years. Whoever says they saw them together on Friday is, alas, mistaken!!"

This week's installment also includes: Katherine Heigl, Anthony Michael Hall, Bryan Singer, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, Louie Anderson, Tatyana Ali, Gordon Ramsey, Catherine Keener, Bradley Cooper, Victor Garber and more!

Welcome back to another edition of Defamer Attractions, your regular guide to the latest in abandon, excess and best-kept secrets at a theater near you. We're looking at an unusually busy — and maybe even unusually good — week for mid-August, with four new releases opening wide and Tropic Thunder looking to hold fast to No. 1. And while all the congestion is bound to squeeze at least one player out, a romantic opening at the art house is one of our favorite underdog selections to date. As always, our opinions are our own, but with this kind of unparalleled taste and accuracy, would you really want it any other way?

WHAT'S NEW: Or perhaps, rather, "What isn't new?" Moreover, it's a fascinating week of studio test drives for stars of varying magnitudes, with Jason Statham vs. Anna Faris vs. Rainn Wilson vs. Steve Coogan vs. Ice Cube and all of them forced to open against a Tropic Thunder crew looking for payback after last week's disappointing take. It's not an even playing field, but Universal's updating of Death Race 2000 — now known simply as Death Race, for action fans afraid of big numbers — has the best advantage with Statham's bankable, monosyllabic heroism set for a $17.5 million take.

Meet Howard Roffman: Licenser Of Lightsabers, Photographer Of Naked Boys

While we have to say were taken slightly aback by the addition of limp-flippered velvet-slug mafioso Capote the Hutt to the Star Wars character universe, we were even more surprised to learn from a Defamer operative that the Lucas brand—Synonymous with Quality Intergalactic Family Entertainment Since 1977™—harbors other...how should we put this diplomatically...C3POic tendencies? They write:

Howard Roffman is the bigwig in charge of all of toy licensing for Lucas Film....in other words he is the guy who decides what little kids and little boys will be playing with, you know like lightsabers they can cross and things like that.

Wherein We Attempt to Comprehend Celebrity Lesbian Nexus Courtenay Semel

Last week's debut of Defamer Answers seemed to go reasonably well, with our survey of the phenomenon that is The Jonas Brothers provoking rich discussion among fans, enemies and baffled cultural observers alike. This week's edition finds us contemplating a far less-heated subject whose profile is surging nevertheless: Courtenay Semel, an entertainment industry scion and B-list lesbian whose exploits have landed her everywhere from reality TV to the interior of Lindsay Lohan's pants over the last three years.

But her recent detention in Vegas after a drunken, assaultive visit to Caesar's Palace is what really compelled our consideration here: Who is this Hebrew hellcat, anyway? After the jump, learn everything worth knowing about Semel's climb to sort-of fame.

Ryan Seacrest, Poster Boy For The New Breed Of Mogulsexual

If you're one of those people who still resist the tractor-beam allure of Ryan Seacrest, we strongly encourage you to just relax and submit. We'll admit—there was a time when we didn't really get it, either. Who was this peroxided munchkin, and why was he being beamed into our subconscious eleven times a week by the shadowy forces of the karoake-industrial complex? But once we let his stardust coat us like a really expensive hair-product, life became so much easier, happier, Seacrestier. His effortlessly upbeat and lightly compassionate air, his ability to identify ladies' shoes not just by designer but by season and model number, the comforting thought that even David Archuleta could take him in a best-out-of-five arm wrestling competition: It all just worked, dare we say to the betterment of society as a whole.

7 MTV-Defining Stars Who Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Anymore

After word emerged yesterday that MTV was planning an extreme dieting beauty pageant, we knew it was time to ask ourselves, "Do we still want our MTV?" Many of us grew up in a time where the network was perceived as alternative, cutting-edge, and cool, though it's hard to picture the stars who made it that way getting a foot through the door of the modern-day MTV casting office. Here, then, are seven iconic MTV personalities who would have no place on a network that now fills its programming with multiple iterations of the "spoiled rich girl" reality genre:

Will This Performance Save Tom Cruise's Career?

Palimony Suit Could Force Jodie Foster's 'Midlife Crisis' $25 Million Over Budget

Jodie Foster really has gotten off exceptionally easy so far in her dizzying, delicate miracle of new love with homewrecking writer/producer Cynthia Mort, with her most significant cash outlays being that always-steep first date and the extravagant "My Condolences" balloon bouquet sent Mort's way after HBO canceled her show Tell Me You Love Me. Foster had fared even better with ex Cydney Bernard, who, after 14 years of cohabitative bliss, spared the Oscar-winner the ugliness of custody squabbles, L Word box-set splits and other public indignities. Her typically low public profile escalated for what felt like mere minutes, soon returning to its subtle, cultivated ebb of lesbian quietude — just the way she likes it.

Oh, but for the good old days, we're learning as the all-knowing National Enquirer — your trusted (and print-only in this case, we're afraid) oracle for anonymously sourced Foster's Splitsville drama — now reports that the actress's romantic reboot may cost her a quarter of her fortune. Or, adjusted roughly for inflation, $25 million:

Spencer Pratt's Five-Part Guide to Being the Worst Boyfriend on Televison

'Thunder' Ushers In Tom Cruise's Bear Period

Having paid tribute this weekend to Michael Phelps's historic athletic achievement with a record-shattering of your own in the 200-liter grain-alcohol-medley, your soaring national pride has likely given way to the agony of hangover defeat. Have some box office number; they're full of electrolytes:

1. Tropic Thunder - $26 million
Putting controversy aside for a moment, Tropic Thunder—Ben Stiller's $90 million satirical homage to movie star narcissism, context-reliant flatulence, and Down Syndrome humor—finally succeeded in doing what no other movie released in the past month could: It unseated The Dark Knight from its topmost perch. Still, we'd caution the director and star that it might be a little early to throw a pair of shredded stump-hands into the air and claim victory, as that puts Tropic's take somewhere between that of Pineapple Express and Step Brothers— both of which managed to go full retard at a fraction of the budget. What Tropic needs now to inch its way into the black is a strong overseas showing—which is not entirely out of the realm of possibility, considering the French critical elite have already touted movie-within-a-movie Simple Jack (L'imbécile Jacques) as the greatest sad-clown cinematic achievement since Jerry Lewis's The Errand Boy.

TMZ Thinks That M. Night Shyamalan 'Sucks'