Tom Cruise's Comeback Film: A Village People Biopic, Starring Tom Cruise In Every Role

This Is Hands Down The Lamest Commercial We Have Ever Seen

MGM Chief Takes A Swing At Lionsgate While (Sorta) Standing By 'Valkyrie'

We admit there's not a whole lot of shattered Earth to be found in Sunday's NY Times survey of the limping, lethargic new/old MGM (i.e. deep library, shallow future). Hats off to chairman Harry Sloan, though, for abandoning the low-energy talking points early on in the process and getting straight to the bitchslappy good stuff — whacks at his own new premium-cable partners ("If you don't have a major summer and a Christmas picture, you're not a player at the studio level. ... The best you're going to be is Lionsgate") and theatrical pals ("I thought I was making a deal with the guys who'd just come off Oscars for Chicago, Gangs of New York and Aviator," he said of the Weinstein Company. "Instead they went to the festivals, picked up movies and arbitraged MGM's deal on Showtime").

But at least Sloan stuck to the script when it came to United Artists — not that he has much choice with Valkyrie having consumed the $95 million it has, but his and studio president Mary Parent's optimism is decidedly advanced from his comments to the same paper a month-and-a-half ago:

Entire Internet Calls Bullshit as Peter Bart Goes to War For 'Valkyrie'

An insomniac browse last night at PeterBart.com revealed that the Variety editor's spirited studio defenses have made a remarkably speedy, seamless transition to the blogosphere. Readers seem to be enjoying it as well, alleging stolen stories about DreamWorks on one hand and launching a fascist-tastic comment cascade following Bart's breaking! News! about production resuming on Valkyrie:

Although the film has yet to be completed, several people I trust have seen Valkyrie and testify that it's a superb thriller. "Bryan Singer is back in form," says one source, referring to the Valkyrie director whose last film was Superman Returns.

Jealous Harvey Weinstein Stakes His Own Claim to 'Valkyrie' Debacle

MGM Chief Blames the Germans as Slide of the 'Valkyrie' Continues

You tell us what's more frightening about MGM boss Harry Sloan's recent proclamations from Cannes: A) That the guy freely admits both Robocop and the Brat Pack-slays-the-Communists epic Red Dawn are up for remakes at his studio, or B) Sloan's public support of Tom Cruise, Valkyrie and United Artists has winnowed to the point of "clanking endorsement." Oh, who are we kidding? Valkyrie trumps everything:

As for all the bad buzz surrounding Valkyrie, from MGM subsidiary UA, Sloan said that photos of an eyepatch-clad Tom Cruise as an SS officer were "a little bit unfortunate," but were released to reassure the German government about the seriousness of the project.

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'Valkyrie,' UA Not Just Another Cruise/Wagner Casualty, Say Cruise/Wagner

Tom Cruise Wants Katie Holmes To Find New, Non Spice Girl Friends

Tom Cruise isn't having the best month. First, a bunch of hooligans slapped his laughy face on some ultra-strong pot and called it Tom Cruise Purple. Then, the feel-good movie of 2008, Valkyrie, got pushed back (making it the feel-good movie of 2009). And now, Victoria Beckham has usurped a bit of his domestic control and transformed Katie Holmes into a fellow stick figurine. And Tom's April blues have reached a breaking point:

"[Tom] is keen to put some distance between his actress wife and Victoria, who have morphed into each other...it concerns Tom that Katie has lost so much weight recently."

As we put this week to bed, it's time to reflect, project, deflect and genuflect on the week that was...
· Big week for Gorgeous George Clooney. His passion project, Leatherheads,
disappointed at the box office (twice!), he was on the receiving end of a threatening phone call and his sand-loving girlfriend turned his bachelor pad into Yankee Candle outlet. Ah, who are we kidding? He can still pull digits with the best of 'em.
· Ellen Page butched it up on Leno and may (or may not!) have dissed Hanoi Jane.
· Certainly, Tom Cruise has had better weeks. MGM tried to spin Valkyrie's second release date pushback as a B.O. ploy, but we knew better.
· Artie Lange and Charlton Heston both had shitty weeks, too. Artie resigned from the Howard Stern Show and Charlton, well, he died.
· The hackiest hack that ever hacked, Uwe Boll, found himself on the wrong end of an online petition that might just end his career (fingers crossed!). Howevs, he was able to leverage the power of the internet to fight back ... twice!
· It was Musical Chairs week at Hollywood's biggest talent agencies. Bob DeNiro bolted from CAA (spurring a hilarious poison pen post from the Death Star), Nick Stevens led one of "the biggest agent migrations in years" when he bolted from UTA to Endeavor and a finch with a mean streak wreaked havoc at CAA shortly after Ashton Kutcher became the agency's newest client.
· Teri Hatcher and Clint Black learned that they're both better off sticking with their day jobs.
· After publicly (and somewhat shadily) announcing that he and his wife were victims of an alleged extortion attempt by his nanny, Rob Lowe displayed the keen ability to turn an adjective into a noun when he coined the term "false terribles."

'Project Runway':There Will Be Tears

Tom Cruise's Career In Flames As 'Valkyrie' Melts Down

Yesterday, the troubled Tom Cruise/Nazi vehicle Valkyrie got pushed back — for a second time — from October to February 2009. MGM is painting the film's new release date as a golden holiday-weekend opportunity for the $90-million-plus historical drama, but it goes without saying this is beyond bullshit; no amount of spin from any of MGM boss Mary Parent's necktied monkeys can reclaim whatever traction Valkyrie might have had once upon a time. Its Cruise/Bryan Singer pedigree took its first hit when it was pushed back from summer '08 to fall ("Better Oscar chances!" we were told as Singer's reshoots pushed his budget and his star past their respective limits), and it now threatens to overtake Charlton Heston as this week's highest-profile celebrity casualty. "Valkyrie is dead," wrote David Poland at The Hot Blog. "There is no such thing as a good movie that gets moved from summer to fall to spring."

Delayed Flight of 'Valkyrie' a Good Sign, Says MGM

The craziest movie star in America is playing a Nazi colonel with one eye, one hand, and three fingers who tries to bomb the Fürher and take over the Third Reich, but instead kills everyone in the room but Hitler, and eventually dies by firing squad. What more could America want on PRESIDENTS' DAY WEEKEND?

We assumed when MGM first pushed back the July 4th release date of Valkyrie, the historical bore-ama directed by Bryan Singer, it was because they came to their senses about releasing a Nazi film on our country's most patriotic day. But the new date, October 3rd, was just so predictable. After all, that's when all the good dramas start coming out. And MGM wants no part of that crowd. After the days of damaged footage, injured extras, and endless re-shoots, the best thing for Valkyrie would surely be to push its release once more, right?

Tom Cruise Won't Get His Shot At Killing Hitler Until October

· Bad news for those who were aching with anticipation over Tom Cruise's turn as the cutest little would-be Hitler-killer in all the German army: United Artists and MGM are pushing Valkyrie's release date back from the Fourth of July holiday weekend until October. The official reason cited for the move is the need to find a new location for a pivotal, still-unshot battle scene, not a desire for the skittish studio to get the film as far away from summer blockbuster competition as possible. [Variety]
· Live Free or Die Hard, National Treasure: Book of Secrets and Evan Almighty keep their miniscule Oscar hopes alive by making the shortlist for the Academy's visual effects award. [THR]

So How's The Studio Mogul Thing Working Out For Tom Cruise?

When MGM turned over the reigns of its moribund United Artists label to Tom Cruise a few short months after the actor/producer/freelance detox technician was cruelly cast out of the Paramount family, we just assumed that the burgeoning mogul would effortlessly greenlight himself up a few blockbusters that would quickly restore him to his former position as the Biggest Movie Star in the World. But with early reviews of the forthcoming Lions for Lambs, his first UA-branded release seeming tepid at best, Slate's Kim Masters looks at the studio's next projects, finding little that would make one want to stomp a talk show sofa in joy:

Tom Cruise's Moment Of 'Valkyrie' Silence Destroyed By Mystery Fartiste

All the hard work that Tom Cruise and the Valkyrie team spent convincing a stubbornly indecisive German government to allow their film to shoot in the Bendlerblock, one of its most hallowed landmarks, was nearly squandered when a pranstker insensitive to their shooting location's place in the country's history decided to interrupt a respectful moment of silence with a perfectly timed fart-take. According to a report in the Daily Mail that's denser with flatulence synonyms than perhaps any piece of prose we've ever read, Cruise was allegedly less than amused:

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