Dennis Hopper Isn't a Racist, But He'll Play One on TV

Clooney. Goats. Do The Math.

· "George Clooney to 'Stare at Goats.'" You know what, George? That sounds like a terrific idea. [Variety]
· William Morris has spearheaded a $100 million fund to produce features, which they know they should spend wisely on a number of sensible, moderately budgeted indies—but which they'll totally blow on one blockbuster stinker about the Alien Space Rabbit Olympics! [Variety]
· Well, that's the end of upfronts—a spectacular week of press releases, little get togethers at studio offices, and at least one Fox fondue party that the boys from Procter & Gamble are still buzzing about! Now it's time for the networks to wave goodbye to all that East Coast glamour, roll up their sleeves, and deliver on all the delicious promises they've made! [Variety]

New J.J. Abrams Series 'Fringe' Billed By Fox As 'Felicity With Smoke-People'

· Fox's fall schedule announcement introduces only two new shows: a comedy called Do Not Disturb (formerly The Inn), and J.J. Abrams's new series Fringe, which will air Tuesdays at 9 after House. Details on Fringe are being kept under close wraps, but based upon a slew of promotional images over at TV Week, we think it revolves around a conspiracy discovered by a quality control technician at a menthol cigarette factory, played by Joshua Jackson. Joss Whedon's Dollhouse, meanwhile, and new animated shows Sit Down, Shut Up and The Cleveland Show won't air until mid-season. Executed: Back to You, Canterbury's Law, K-Ville, Nashville, New Amsterdam, The Next Great American Band, The Return of Jezebel James and Unhitched. [Variety]
· Daniel Day-Lewis may be taking over the role vacated by Javier Bardem in Rob Marshall's movie of the musical Nine. Bla bla milkshake jazz-hands bla bla. [Variety]

The '90210' Mills Vs. 'Arrested' Bluths: Bound By Their Drunk Grandmother

The CW's upfront presentation—actually a press release from network president Dawn Ostroff, upon which no expense was spared—announced that the flailing bastard network had finally "zeroed in on our target demo" (young women, 18-34), and would therefore spend the rest of their existence slavishly catering to their newly identified audience's whims and needs. Another season of Mr. and Mrs. Jay enacting their high-fashion minstrel show up and down the deck of the USS Nimitz while deployed to the Persian Gulf? You got it. A two-hour special with limited commercial interruption brought to you by Axe Body Spray, entitled, Chace Crawford: Shirtless? Coming right up. Less lucky: Aliens in America, Life is Wild, The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, and Beauty and the Geek, who were all dropped faster than an 8th grader wipes her former best friend from her myFaves after finding out she blabbed about her yeast infection to the rest of their backup-dancing class.

CBS Not Reinventing The Sitcom And Cop Show Wheel Here, Folks

Following a detour in last season's CBS programming strategy which saw the network throw a few wackier ideas against the fridge to see what stuck (Drac Steele, Vampire P.I. and The Singing Venetian, Hugh Jackman's addition to the musical-casino genre, were what stuck), it seems they have returned to the dependability of laugh-tracks and procedurals for the fall 2008-09 season. At their upfronts announcement this morning at their New York offices, Les Moonves and trusty commandantes Nina Tassler and Kelly Kahl made official their last-minute, 22-episode order of The New Adventures of Old Christine, the unlikely story of what happens when Elaine loses her balls and spends the majority of her leisure time bickering with her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. Following them on Wednesdays is a new sitcom, Project Gary, starring Jay Mohr, while another new, single-camera comedy, Worst Week, joins the Monday night lineup, alongside all the wisecracking nerd-geniuses and Britney guest spots you've come to expect.

Procedural goodness after the jump!

It's A Network Pickup Orgy!

· Fox has picked up J.J. Abrams's Fringe, about a female FBI agent who "tackles unexplained medical and scientific phenomena," and Joss Whedon's Dollhouse, both for mid-season debuts meant to be bolstered by American Idol's return, an effect Fox internally refers to as "the Drunk-Paula Boost." [Variety]
· The CW makes it official: The Beverly Hills, 90210 spinoff is a go, with Jennie Garth reprising her role as Kelly Taylor. New York magazine will eventually go on to declare the series "mankind's greatest single achievement since the Wright brothers perfected human flight." [THR]
· ABC, meanwhile, has ordered "quirky sci-fi thriller" Life on Mars, a new animated series from Mike Judge called The Goode Family, and Ashton Kutcher reality show Opportunity Knocks. Unlike last year's Cavemen, none are based on an insurance commercial—though Allstate, a "drama with supernatural elements" starring Dennis Haysbert as a creepy guy who has a way of always showing up at highway accidents, is said to be a possible mid-season replacement. [Variety]

Lavish Network Upfronts Enter Historic New 'Nickel-and-Dime' Era

CAA Abducts Barbie, Adds Her To Evil Hollywood Harem

· Mattel joins fellow toy manufacturer Hasbro in leaping into CAA's embrace, turning over brands like American Girl, Hot Wheels and Fisher-Price to the agency for potentially lucrative Hollywood exploitation. First order of business: attaching artificially smooth client Nicole Kidman to a live-action Barbie project by convincing her that another round of full-body laser resurfacing should erase any concerns about being far too old for the part. [Variety]
· The show will go on! cries Academy president Sid Ganis, reassuring the nominees assembled at yesterday's Oscar luncheon that they'll get the recognition they deserve whether or not the strike is resolved by the end of February. "The Oscar exists to shine the brightest possible light on you and your work, and it would be such a terrible shame, through no fault of yours and no fault of ours, if the current conditions prevented us from shining that brightest possible light." [THR]

Defamer First Look: 'Cavemen'

Breakout Spartan Gerard Butler Keeping His Agent Really Busy

Upfronts Afterthoughts: The CW Will Also Feature New Shows This Fall

Fox To Try And Prove Their Programming Executives Are Smarter Than A Fifth Grader

Defamer First Look: The 'Kid Nation' Preview

CBS Puts Vampires, Swingers, Exciting Social Experiments Involving Schoolchildren On The Fall Schedule

At Least She Didn't Crush That Poor Doctor's Testicles Like A Tennis Ball

At The ABC Upfront: Portapotty Humor, Oprah Worship

Second Prize Is a Set of Steak Knives. Third Prize Is You Get Tim Allen In Your Martial Arts Movie

ABC Betting On Cavemen, Horny Doctors