Defamer

'Bioshock' Eludes Uwe Boll's Kiss Of Hacky Death

· We're not really sure how studios divvy up video game titles, deciding a Postal or Bloodrayne needs to land on the pile with flies buzzing around it marked "For Uwe," while saving a property like Bioshock for a crowd-pleasing effects wizard like Gore Verbinski, but there you have it: Verbinksi will direct Universal's big-screen adaptation. (We know, we know: It's a classic. Release it from its Microsoft shackles, so we can at least all be on the same page.) [Variety]
· Alexander Payne has been attached to direct the buzzed-about pilot Hung—featuring a well-endowed protagonist who "figures out a way to use his best asset"—for HBO. His agents are currently awaiting their package fee. Rimshot! [Variety]

Craig Ferguson To Recall All The African-American Congressmen He's Bedded In Upcoming Memoir

· Craig Ferguson is writing his memoirs for HarperCollins, detailing his years as a "punk rocker, a dancer, a bouncer and a construction worker." Working title: The Village People in My Head: The Craig F. Story. [Variety]
· No strike talks are going to scare ABC away from casting their pilots: Morena Baccarin (Joss Whedon nerds know who she is) was cast as the lead in "untitled Dave Hemingson drama pilot," and Steve "Reba" Howey and Lee "Nothing You've Likely Seen" Thompson Young have jobs—for now—on comedy pilot Five Year Plan. [THR]

Common To Battle Growing Army Of Robot Killing-Machines

· Common has joined the cast of the PG-13-rated Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, as a "freedom fighter and member of [John] Connor's inner circle," who lends the future world savior the much-needed dose of hip-hop cred he'll require in battling the rising machine army. [Variety]
· Paul Dano and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's agent Warren Zavala has left Gersh for CAA's Death Starry embrace, where the new agency is planning on drinking up his client list. They drink it up! Along with babyshakes. But that's nothing new. [THR]

Finally, 'Sea-Monkeys: The Movie'

· Baby-faced Freaks and Geeks (and Bones) star John Francis Daley and writing partner Jonathan Goldstein will rewrite Hours of Fun for Disney, a great premise about what happens when all those back-of-the-comic-book novelty items actually live up to their promises. Oh man, Sea-Monkeys: The Movie! We're so there. [THR]
· So beyond four more years of Family Guy and its offspring, what else does Seth MacFarlane's $100 million deal mean for you? How about a Family Guy movie?! Don't say you came out of this empty handed. [TV Week]
· Jennifer Love Hewitt's legendary, spirit-channeling rack will live on the syndicated afterlife, as Sci Fi Channel and WE have jointly acquired rerun rights to the CBS drama. [Variety]
· Worried that a PG-13 rating will water down Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, the next installment of the cyborg-killing-machine franchise? Says Salvation-producer Victor Kubicek, "The PG-13 has increased in intensity." [Variety]
· This is great: An FCC ruling has deemed TMZ and The 700 Club "bona fide newscasts," making them exempt from political equal-time requirement laws. We guess that makes Harvey Levin the Walter Cronkite of the exposed ladyparts generation? "And that's the way it's shaved." *Long sip from sippy cup.* [Variety]

Kidman Vs. Chenowith: Battle Of The Dustys

· It's the battle of the dueling Dusty Springfield movies! In one corner, weighing in at...not much...is Nicole Kidman, in a Fox 2000 release written by Michael Cunningham. In the other, weighing in at even less, is Universal's own take, with Kristin Chenoweth attached to star. Will this go the way of the two competing Janis Joplin projects—Pink's vs. Renée Zellweger's—that produced nothing? Or is it going to be a Capote/Infamous scenario, with more Springfield biopic options than we really wanted in the first place? [Variety]
· Official reason given for Toni Collette's departure from Untitled Sam Mendes Romcom By Dave Eggers and His Wife: "Scheduling delays." She'll be replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal. [Variety]

For Whom The SAG Strike Bell Tolls

Mel Gibson To Don His Actor's Hat Once More

· Mel Gibson has signed on for his first acting job since Signs and We Were Soldiers back in 2002. In Edge of Darkness, a feature based on a BBC miniseries from the '80s, he'll play "a straitlaced police investigator whose activist daughter is killed, probably by the Jews." [Variety]
· Could one-half of the lusty network coupling responsible for siring struggling, bastard offspring The CW be missing their former identity? Warner Bros. just launched TheWB.com, where you can catch streamed episodes of old programming and newly launched online series. [Variety]

How Do You Say 'Friendo' In Italian?

· The Coen brothers' Burn After Reading, a "dark spy comedy" starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt, John Malkovich, Frances McDorman, and Tilda Swinton, will open the Venice Film Festival August 27, and open in the U.S. on September 12, whereupon everyone will agree that it lies somewhere between Intolerable Cruelty and No Country For Old Men in quality. [Variety]
· ABC won its 10th consecutive Sunday in a row, thanks to new episodes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, and Brothers and Sisters. [Variety]
· The Simpsons writers Bill Oakley and Josh Weinstein will executive produce a new animated series for Fox, called Sit Down, Shut Up. Originally written by Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz, it's based on a live-action Australian sitcom, and revolves around "the lives of seven staff members at a dysfunctional high school in a small northeastern fishing town." Oh God, another one?! [Variety]
· THR has had some drastic plastic surgery, and we're having a hard time adjusting. We've never seen them happier, though, so just smile and tell them they look great! [THR]
· 90210 casting confirmation! Living MILF legend Lori Loughlin will play former Olympics cycling champion mom Celia Mills. [THR]

Ewan McGregor Still Committed To Making Bad Movies

· Ewan McGregor is close to signing on for The Da Vinci Code sequel Angels & Demons, the least anticipated sequel of all time. (Don't even try to argue this. It is futile. It's even less anticipated than Ice Cube's Next Monday, Not This Monday Coming, But The One Like A Week From This Monday.) [Variety]
· Rogue Pictures purchased Drill Team, a "female-driven teen dance movie set in the competitive world of high school drill teams" for low six-figures, eventually going on to usher the catchphrase "You've been drilled!" into the popular lexicon. [Variety]

'What Happens In Vegas' Meant To Elicit Laughter From Paying Audiences

· A bumper crop of comedies are set for release in the coming months, including Baby Mama, Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay, Sex and the City, What Happens in Vegas, and Made of Honor, some of which could actually be classified as comedies! [Variety]
· An "intimate upfront...at Soho house" unveiled Oxygen's new tagline ("live out loud," whatever that means), as well as their new logo ("the black, lower-case 'oxygen' inside the yellow letter 'O,' which is tilted to one side"). Save it for your iVillage blog, Zucker. [Variety]

D-Listers To Fly Through The Air With The Greatest Of Difficulty

· Here's what we can tell you about NBC's Celebrity Circus, possibly the most significant televised amateur circus event in recent history: Joey Fatone will be ringmaster. Scheduled to appear: Christopher Knight, Rachel Hunter, Antonio Sabato Jr., Blu Cantrell, and Jason "Wee Man" Acuna, whom we'll assume will be fired at some point from the Lil' Caesar's Cannon of Doom™. [Variety]
· Fox is sitting atop the big studio heap entering into the summer box office season (OMG! It's almost the summer box office season! Who's excited?!), but Warner Bros., with its one-two-three punch of Speed Racer, Get Smart, and The Dark Knight should comfortably take the lead. (Especially when you look at Fox's roster: Eddie Murphy's Dave and The X-Files: I'm Trying As Hard As I Can To Buy This Alien Mumbo-Jumbo, Mulder.) [THR]

Spike TV Unveils Their All Cong-Gutting 'Rambo' Schedule

· "What's our name?!" "Spike TV!" "And who do we serve?" "Men!" "And what do men like?" "Rambo!" "So what do we do?" "Air all the Rambos! Aarrghghhhh!!!!" [Variety]
· Rob Schneider, Kristin Cavallari, and Rumer Willis will star in Wild Cherry: "When she finds out the boyfriend's only interested in her for the sake of the team's 'bang book,' she and her best friends plan their revenge inspired by the Greek play 'Lysistrata,'" a source we're certain its cast is intimately familiar with. [Variety]

Wait--There's Another 'X-Files' Movie?

· The second X Files movie is called I Want To Believe, rendering the project even more inscrutable, but still holding steady at about a decade too late. [Variety]
· Ashley Tisdale has set up a "first-look deal" with American Idol producers FremantleMedia, and is in talks to star in a nose-contingent remake of Teen Witch for United Artists. [Variety]
· The people behind lonelygirl15 have renamed their production company EQAL, and have collected "a $5 million Series A round of financing," or enough money to produce approximately 178,900 lonelygirl15s. Just wait 'til the Series B money comes in! [THR]
· Unfazed by Quarterlife's poor ratings, NBC picks up another online series: Gemini Division, starring Rosario Dawson. Each 50-minute episode will be available for streaming on NBC Universal websites, and only take 3 hours to watch after factoring in buffering issues. [THR]
· A 17-year-old's big break in a Wes Craven film is felled by mono. Mono sucks! [THR]

'Biggest Loser' Bulges NBC's Ratings

· The two-hour season finale of The Biggest Loser earns NBC the runner-up spot on Tuesday, rousing Ben Silverman later that night with the 4 a.m. inspiration for a companion series: The Biggest Gainer will be a gluttonous exploitainment the likes of which the network hasn't seen since Feed The Bears. [Variety]
· Smugly vicious Idol judge Simon Cowell rendered all the more so by his The X Factor winner Leona Lewis's No. 1 position on Billboard—a first for a British artist. Also: Michael Johns lost because he has no personality. And: Randy Jackson has a boner. Further: Paula Abdul is drunk. [Variety]

A Lone Crusader in a Dangerous World

Brad Pitt Unfazed By Ex's 'Echo'

· Brad Pitt's shingle, Plan B in name only (we're looking at you, Aniston), buys rights to David Grann manuscript, "Lost City of Z," for Pitt to produce and star in. [Variety]
· Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer replace Meryl Streep and Anthony Hopkins in Tolstoy biopic The Last Station, putting the production down two Oscars but up two Golden Globes (wink!). [Variety]