• America's Next Top Model [The CW]

This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
· Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
· It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight.

Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute.

We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task?

· Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam.

· JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage.

·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica".

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
· He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
· Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff.

Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait...

· As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25
· Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it.

I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was.

·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26
· Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27
· Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys.

· Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane.

· I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street.

· Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29
· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen.

· Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place.

· We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• WATCH VIDEO

"Maybe the reason enough people aren’t watching 30 Rock to make Mr. Baldwin happy is because Alec Baldwin is so unlikable as a person. 30 Rock is a really funny show. And Alec Baldwin is funny as long as someone else is writing his words. When left to his own devices, he sounds like a psychotic narcissist who whines about being rich for 8 pages in The New Yorker."

"Instead of blaming NBC, I think Alec should consider that some people in America may not want to watch a man who cusses out his own 11 year old daughter on a phone message, calling her a “rude thoughtless little pig.” It’s a shame that the people who produce such a funny show have to put up with such a distasteful man on a daily basis. It makes me thankful to have such a wonderful cast on My Name is Earl, a show that is still going strong and has helped bring an audience to 30 Rock over the last few years. You’re welcome, Alec.

Oh, and the reason NBC occasionally puts on an hour-long episode of Earl is because an hour of Earl gets better ratings than an Earl followed by a 30 Rock. It’s called math, stupid."

Huzzah! We've got to admit, nothing warms our cockles like a good ole fashioned catfight between two strong anchors of NBC's Thursday night lineup. We would think that Ben Silverman would be able to bring peace to these warring factions, but then again, it's a crapshoot as to whether or not he's even showing up for work these days. Our only piece of advice at this point is directed to Greg Garcia: if Alec Baldwin decides to ring you up this afternoon, be sure to let that call go straight to voicemail.

PREVIOUSLY: Inside Alec Baldwin: A 'Nudist,' A 'Homosexual,' A Rock Music Aficionado, And a Tormented Soul

Today, however, Page Six fields a different story entirely, quoting a Hilton rep who rather plainly acknowledged manipulating the basic tenets of Paris supply-and-demand. Who to trust? We called Toronto directly to find out.

"Any film is a very complicated set of business relationships, interpersonal relationships, etcetera," said TIFF documentary programmer Thom Powers, who denied his "miffed" characterization in today's NYP item. "In the context of a film festival, where a film is making its world premiere, it stirs up a lot of..." He took a moment, reached for a word. "'Drama' is, I guess, the best word I could say."

In this particular drama, Powers said he had dealt only with the filmmakers; he could neither address the "machinations" happening between Hilton and TIFF organizers nor confirm Paris's newly reported plans to attend next Tuesday's premiere. He did stand by the film, however, whose pared-down schedule — including its only press screening — could also imply that it's unfinished, thus potentially as damaging to its distribution chances as its subjects.

"In this case, nothing could be further from the truth," Powers said. "And in fact our press department is bending over backwards to accommodate the press that would have normally gone to a press screening to get them into a public screening. Which in a way I'm kind of more happy about. I wish the press was always watching films with the public, especially in Toronto. It's a much different experience."

We can vouch for that (see Borat's misbegotten if memorable non-premiere from 2006), and maybe even are prepared to take Camp Hilton at its hype-heightening word. Which, of course, also suggests that it has a stake in the film's commercial prospects. Naturally, that's where Hilton's rep finally clammed up with Page Six; neither her nor her allies' names appear in credits available on the fest's Web site, and Powers told us he is "not privvy to those details." Either way, look for the critical orthodoxy to instinctively hold its nose — guys like the Post's Lou Lumenick, who's likely the first of many to gripe all the way to the border about Hilton's commandeering of the prestigious fest.

Powers, meanwhile, is a little more philosophical. "What's interesting is to see how news of this film plays out as a further commentary of what celebrity means in the culture," he said. "I have films in the line-up like Food Inc., which has serious material based on the reporting of Eric Schlosser and Michael Pollan that's vital to understanding what we eat and the future of food in America, and yet that doesn't get the headline in Page Six. Paris Hilton does."

• PARIS HILTON'S CANADIAN CAPER [NYP]

[Photo credit: Getty Images]

• Previously: Actor's Mustache Hijacks Candid 'GMA' Discussion of Race and Entertainment [Defamer]

DEFAMER: Mel Brooks and John Waters turned their old movies into Broadway musicals. How come you went the opera route?

CRONENBERG: As a kid I saw the original West Side Story and The Pajama Game in New York, and I have a fondness for musicals, but I've never really been attracted to them as something I would do myself. It makes sense for John Waters to do it. He's into that kind of stuff. But I'm much more snobby and elitist! Although truthfully, opera was popular in its time. It's only now, in retrospect, that it's become an elite art form.

DEFAMER: What did your agents and lawyers say when you told them you wanted to direct an opera?

CRONENBERG: They don't tell me what to do. Your agent is there to help you realize the projects you want. Sure, they're interested in money—they want to get their ten percent—but they work for me.

DEFAMER: Your work has been getting more and more critical acclaim lately. Do you care about winning an Oscar?

CRONENBERG: You have to remember, the movie I did in 1986 won an Oscar.

DEFAMER: Yeah, but for best makeup.

CRONENBERG: You know, everybody disdains the Oscars and wants one at the same time. And I think that's the right attitude. Many wonderful, creative people have won Oscars, so if you win one, you're in their company. And there are also some great filmmakers who have not. So when you don't win an Oscar, you're in that club. But that can never be your motivation. The Oscars are such a lottery. You don't know what films you'll be up against. You don't know what people's attitudes will be. It's foolish to spend two years of your life working on a movie on the off chance that you might win an Oscar.

DEFAMER: Who is it more important to please, yourself or an audience?

CRONENBERG: There's no difference. You are your own audience to begin with. I once met Oliver Stone and he said, "Do you mind being so marginal, with such a small audience?" And I said, "Well, how big of an audience do you need?" There comes a point where if you try to please too big an audience, you lose what was interesting about what you're doing. You have to achieve a balance.

DEFAMER: Why does it seem like all your movies are in some way obsessed with the human body?

CRONENBERG: People don't pay enough attention to the body. My understanding of life is very existential. I think that we are our bodies. There's nothing else, and when we die, that's it. No afterlife. I'm very anti-religious because religion tends to disembody you. There's an emphasis on your spirit, or where you'll be when your body's gone, and that's misleading. I think the world would be a better place if it we admit that's not the case.

DEFAMER: Did you see that BodyWorlds exhibit at the science center here? You of all people would love it!

CRONENBERG: That's what people tell me.

DEFAMER: I've heard you say that you are lazy, but you seem like such an obsessive guy. How is that possible?

CRONENBERG: I get other people to do work for me and then I take credit for it. I say it jokingly, but it's true. I have a desire to be creative, but that's not the same as obsession. I'm happy reading a book or riding my bike through the hills. I get up late, I stay up late. I'm not very well organized unless I'm plugged into a structure like the opera or a movie. When I'm doing that, I have to be organized. But left to my own devices, I like to laze around. I think that's a huge part of creativity. You have to let your mind relax and then another part of your brain suddenly connects with the solution you're trying to find. I nap all the time when I make movies. Often I give my cameraman a very difficult lighting set up so I can get a longer nap.

DEFAMER: What a great scheme. Alright, one last question. Who is weirder, you or David Lynch?

CRONENBERG: Oh, Lynch is way weirder than I am. That's obvious.

(From L To R: Composer Howard Shore, performer Daniel Okulitch, David Cronenberg and conductor Placido Domingo)

[Photo Credits: FilmMagic, Getty Images]

• The Fly: The Opera

"Teri just couldn't stay out of their business even though NBC had instructed her for months and months and months to do so," one insider informs me. "Other TV writer/producers began assuming that every decision Teri made was influenced by her relationship with her boyfriend's company. If she didn't buy something of theirs, they complained she was protecting her boyfriend's pitch. The truth is that this appearance of a conflict was really starting to hurt NBC's business."

Finke also provides more salacious details on the Silverman/Ari Emanuel blowup that set industry tongues wagging last May:

For some time, Endeavor talent agency owner Ari Emanuel had been counseling his pal to tone down this over-the-top behavior — even last spring when both men were attending a cancer benefit dinner where Silverman was widely observed "high as a kite". During the fundraiser, Emanuel reminded Silverman that scheduled the very next morning was a big meeting about an important piece of Marvel Studios business between Endeavor and NBC, and Ari warned Ben not to be late. But the next day, Silverman was a no-show. Though Endeavor does 75% of its TV business with NBC, Emanuel didn't hesitate to complain directly to Zucker — and the conversation focused on Silverman's over-indulgence of alcohol and drugs.

...I'm told that NBC is hoping that Silverman jumps before he is pushed. And several sources have information to believe there is every reason that Ben is a short-timer. His contract, like Weinberg's, expires next summer. But already Ben's posse is letting it be known that he may start negotiating his out with an eye to exiting before December. His reasoning, according to insiders, is that, if by some miracle this fall's primetime schedule succeeds, he'd like to go out "a hero".

Only time will tell whether Silverman is allowed to exit the NBC arena like a triumphant American Gladiator, or whether he will be cruelly pushed out and sold for parts like a ratings-challenged Bionic Woman. Sure, there's always that Entourage guest spot to fall back on, but we're starting to worry that the party-hearty NBC chief lacks the time needed to mend his ways. If Silverman can't shape up, we have but this to say: Benji, do not ask for whom the NBC chimes toll. They toll for thee.

• MAJOR MESSY NBC SHAKEUP AHEAD: Network Wants To Fire Teri Weinberg & Hopes Ben Silverman Quits Very Soon [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

1. Tropic Thunder — $14.2 million

Against not-so-formidable competition, Ben Stiller's little $90 million-comedy-that-could persisted in first place for the third consecutive week. Fun fact: Thunder became only the sixth R-rated film in history to achieve such longevity, joining the seminal likes of The Whole Nine Yards, American Pie 2 and The Passion of the Christ. And a fourth win isn't out of the question this weekend if America stands up to the horror of Nicolas Cage's latest, Bangkok Dangerous. Why doesn't the Special Olympics lobby protest that degradation? Another discussion, another time.

2. Babylon A.D. — $12 million

While our generally impeccable box-office projections last Friday seem to have misapprehended Vin Diesel's lagging appeal, let's be honest: As butchered, disavowed and dumped-on-the-roadside B-pictures go, Babylon's $12 million take is in no way a reflection of the actor's animated-elephant-epic potential (or lack thereof). We're just saying.

3. The Dark Knight — $11.3 million

Three words: Fuck you, Japan. Bonus: The film's cumulative gross tipped $500 million (along with Titanic, the only film to break the barrier domestically); Warners is reportedly using at least half of the money to launch Speed Racer back to its home country in return via the internally developed Batapult™.

4. The House Bunny — $10.7 million

Discuss: Between the success of this film, its medium-budget sibling Step Brothers and its lowbrow, high-yield cousin Pineapple Express, Sony Pictures' comedy trifecta is the most underreported story of the summer.

5. Traitor — $10 million

Our underdog, all grown up. We're so proud!

QUALIFICATIONS

Palin: Former mayor of a small Alaska town, she was elected governor of the state in 2006 and has served less than two years in that office.

Lemon: "Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi."

GAY MARRIAGE

Palin: Against gay marriage and supports a federal gay marriage ban.

Lemon: "Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America."

THE ECONOMY

Palin: Believes that the Republicans can help get the economy and markets back on track, aimed to reduce general fund spending in Alaska by $150 million.

Lemon: "I've got, like, 12 grand in checking."

EXES

Palin: The Alaska legislature is investigating whether she put pressure on a state official to fire her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper.

Lemon: "Last week was my birthday and everyone forgot except Dennis. He called and we went out and it wasn't weird."
Jenna: "And how was the sex?"
Lemon: "Fast and only on Saturdays—it's perfect!"

In conclusion, Barack Obama must immediately retract his nomination of Joe Biden, thus leaving him free to appoint fictional character Liz Lemon the new vice president of the Unites States of America.

• Specs Thing [Hollywood Elsewhere]

WHAT'S NEW: For the second consecutive week, what isn't new? But more to the point, what's new that you actually want to see? The Summer of the R-rated Comedy tapers off with College, which will battle Disaster Movie in the lowest-common-denominator category. Hamlet 2 expands to 1,500 screens, hoping to find some traction in the mudslide that was its lackluster limited opening last Friday. Among smaller films, look for Brian Cox to avenge his murdered dog in the haunting Red, while Czech Oscar-winner Jiri Menzel returns after 20 years with I Served the King of England and the '90s art-scene aftermath gets a once-over in the doc Beautiful Losers. Finally — and somewhat amazingly — a franchise is born with Another Gay Sequel: Gays Gone Wild!.

THE BIG LOSER: Babylon A.D. may yet outmaneuver Tropic Thunder for the week's top box-office spot; it should tip $15 million for the four-day frame, probably just sneaking by Ben Stiller's comedy by less than $1 million. That's the "good news" — if underperforming by about 20% is still considered good. The failures don't stop there, however; to the extent it's remembered at all, Babylon A.D. will always have the distinction of being the film that ended loose-lipped Matthieu Kassovitz's directing career in America, sucker-punched Vin Diesel back into franchise submission and jammed a red-ink exclamation point on Fox's underachieving (if not disastrous) summer. Still, they'll always have the silver lining of ambition — this kind of implosion requires a rare chemistry you shouldn't take for granted. Just wear sunglasses and stand way, waaayyyy back.

THE UNDERDOG: The Don Cheadle/Guy Pearce political thriller Traitor got an early jump with a midweek release, decent reviews, a funny Kimmel tie-in and smart, aggressive marketing throughout the Olympics and Democratic National Convention. The upstart gang at Overture Films, which previously scored this spring with the ultimate underdog (and unlikely Oscar candidate) The Visitor, is having a nifty run we hope continues through all the ferocious scythe-swinging taking off the heads of its indie contemporaries around town.

FOR SHUT-INS: Too cheap/agoraphobic to leave the house this weekend? We're sorry to hear that; new DVDs are less than encouraging. There's always the "Extended Jackpot Edition" of What Happens in Vegas, which we hear spits quarters from your TV if you endure all 167 minutes. Uwe Boll's folly Postal appears in rated and unrated versions for the schlock completist in you, and Morgan Spurlock's here-and-gone doc Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? settles into Weinstein video oblivion. And for the mega-bored among you, full-season sets of Heroes, Entourage, Everybody Hates Chris and One Tree Hill will get you through holiday bedrest like a charm.

So seriously — is there anything here you'd spend money on this weekend? Did we miss some gem that compels a closer look? Call your shots, or better yet, call your friends — you're not really planning to hide in the dark during the last weekend of summer are you? Oh. OK, us too. Have a good one!

He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it...

I'm not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on...

I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

Wait, who is this woman and what has she done with Lindsay Lohan? Has the sometime-actress really gained such a clear perspective on fame and her own relationship to it? Perhaps she's settling down after all — in which case, she'll take no schadenfreude in the fact that Hilary Duff's father was just thrown in jail for refusing to pay his half of Hilary's upcoming 21st birthday. Says People:

As deputies handcuffed her ex, Susan Duff gasped and, according to a report in the Houston Chronicle, said, "This isn't what I wanted."

What did she want? The star's mom was demanding $25,000 to fund a party and gift for Hilary's 21st birthday on Sept. 28.

"I know he's a millionaire, and he's got the funds," Susan testified earlier. She added that Hilary was "emotionally upset by the abandonment of her father." (Ultimately the judge ruled that Bob had to hand over $12,500 for the bash.)

Couple these developments with the recent abuse arrest of Hayden Panettiere's father, then add a dash of general unseemliness from Jessica Simpson's manager/father Joe, and you may wonder: is there any young starlet in Hollywood who actually has a dad she can depend on? To the new guard of Demi, Selena, and the rest, we issue this stern warning: if your fathers are currently shopping at Kitson and getting age-inappropriate dye jobs at Warren Tricomi, you'd best nip it in the bud right away. Your 21st birthday might seem like a great time to emancipate yourself, but that sort of celebrity dad will never emancipate himself from your purse strings.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Lindsay Lohan Slams Dad for Dissing Sam Ronson [Us]
• Hilary Duff's Dad Jailed for 10 Days [People]

'I LOVE Paula Wagner, but she wants to produce elsewhere and in her own venue, and I don't intend to stand in her way. I'll say this of her leaving United Artists - whatever Paula wants is what I want her to have! And I hope we'll continue working together on future projects."

So spoke Tom Cruise on the phone with me this week. He added, cryptically: "I don't run United Artists; I just own it."

WHEN I asked Tom why he felt so many people in the business have gone after the Valkyrie" project as if it's a bad idea or something historically obscene, he sighed: "It just doesn't make sense to me either. The moment I read the screenplay I knew it was an important story, and as it's a true tale of heroic resistance to one of the great villains of history, I can't imagine that people won't want to see it."

Cruise's unflappably sanguine outlook has, of course, been what has helped propel him to superstar heights, and never will it be of greater service to him than in this highly transitional period in his career. Still, we'd have expected more from Cruise in his "don't ask me, I just sign the checks!"-attitude in addressing UA's failings. In Hollywood, where blame is flung around like fistfuls of chimpanzee crap on the set of Speed Racer, a clear and focused Alpha-superstar such as himself should be expected to step up and shoulder the blame for development misfires like Lions For Lambs 2: Armaggedon Reckoning.

• A NICE LITTLE CHAT WITH CRUISE [NY Post]

Before making a cooking demonstration at the Festival of Arts on Sunday, Marcel Vigneron of Bravo's reality show "Top Chef" first stopped at the Laguna Beach jail on Saturday.

Vigneron was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving at 12:45 a.m. Saturday off of Pacific Coast Highway in Laguna Beach, according to Laguna Beach police records.

...Vigneron, who was initially stopped on suspicion of speeding, was taken into custody and his bail was set at $2,500.

What the Register leaves out is the sudden jailhouse appearance of Padma and Tom Colicchio (with special guest judge Andy Dick), who immediately engaged Vigneron in a Quickfire Challenge. Droned Padma, "Your ingredients for this challenge will include peppermints from the front desk, a frozen chorizo from the break room, and your own booze-soaked Van Heusen button-down. Contestants, ready!"

• 'Top Chef' runner-up arrested on suspicion of DUI [OC Register]

In her new book, I Amaze Myself! (iamazemyself.com), Kay McConaughey dishes on everything from her son Matthew’s conception to how her husband died in a compromising position with her!

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

"I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”

And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

Needless to say, Kay amazes us too. At last we have a clue as to where this former Sexiest Man Alive developed his taste for screwball, fuck-til-we-plotz comedy that has come to define the Matthew McConaughey sensibility. Having learned now of the bittersweet passing of his own father—who died, yes, but did it doing what he loves best—we think it may be time to revisit his entire romcom filmography again, whereupon frothy concoctions like Failure to Launch and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Lays will begin to take on all-new levels of deeply personal significance.

• EXCLUSIVE: Matthew McConaughey's Dad Died Having Sex, Says Mom [Usmagazine.com]

We review all this as introduction to quite possibly the most exciting online development to roll across our virtual desktops in quite some time. Aaron Sorkin, or someone who has gone to a great deal of effort to convince others he is Aaron Sorkin, has emerged from his self-imposed, blogophobic exile to openly embrace the social networking phenomenon known as Facebook. From his introductory letter entitled, Aaron Sorkin & The Facebook Movie:

Welcome. I'm Aaron Sorkin. I understand there are a few other people using Facebook pages under my name—which I find more flattering than creepy—but this is me. I don't know how I can prove that but feel free to test me.

I've just agreed to write a movie for Sony and producer Scott Rudin about Mark Zuckerberg, Eduardo Saverin and Dustin Moskovitz—three sophmores at Harvard who, in order to meet girls, invented Facebook. I figured a good first step in my preparation would be finding out what Facebook is, so I've started this page. (Actually it was started by my researcher, Ian Reichbach, because my grandmother has more Internet savvy than I do and she's been dead for 33 years.)

The thoughtful contributions to The Wall alone are enough to wipe away the traumatic memories of that angry, faceless Defaker mob. Facebook Sorkin dutifully responds to every comment, along the way reuniting with old acquaintances ("Michael—You did a lot more than fetch pizza and of course I remember you,") and lending fascinating insights into his ambivalence about the very medium he'll elevate with crackling trademark dialogue into a vehicle that could go on to win Justin Long and Joseph Gordon-Levitt their first Oscars. He writes: "[A]s far as the Internet making us meaner, it does remove a natural censor that we have that commands us to treat people with common respect. An exception apparently are the people posting on this board, whose intelligence, humility and wit are extremely frustrating in that they're disproving my point and that drives me nuts." We really hope this is Sorky. If it's just an impostor, then the Internet has gone and proven his point all over again—not to mention the fact that A Few Good Pokes won't be in theaters anywhere come Christmas 2010.

• Aaron Sorkin & The Facebook Movie [Facebook]

· Hollywood East is open for business, reports Variety, with everyone from Jennifer Lopez to Kanye West to Cyndi Lauper enlisted to share in the platform platitudes. The bad news: Bono is skipping Denver, leaving a sanctimony vacuum from which organizers are attempting to shield guest speaker Fran Drescher — especially at this altitude.

· Gamble for Democracy! In the best DNC synergy to date, Poker Players Alliance and the Paralyzed Veterans of America are co-hosting a charity tournament Tuesday at Coors Field. Ben Affleck will among the players; the winner gets a seat at the 2009 World Series of Poker.

· "According to the Center For Responsive Politics, which follows political money, [Joe] Biden throughout his U.S. Senate career has raised only $390,298 from the TV/Movies/Music sector, including a mere $187,600 from entertainment industry donors in 2008 while he was running for President." More from Nikki Finke.

· Access Hollywood kicked a note over the transom reporting that Jennifer Hudson will sing the national anthem before Obama's speech Thursday night.

· Sheryl Crow performed at Red Rocks on Sunday, later telling Extra that while Barack Obama inspires her, "Celebrity has sort of become a derogatory term." Not on our watch, Sheryl! Anyway, tune in tonight, etc. etc.

· Speaking of Extra, this just in about the show's Denver correspondent: "Carlos Diaz is reporting all week from Denver’s Democratic National Convention and is available for live shots." But enough about target practice! Zing! Ugh. Politics is hard!

· Paul Colichman, the mogul (and Hillary Clinton supporter) behind Out, The Advocate, the Here network and other gay media monoliths, is outraged by Obama's professed aversion to gay marriage. "If we write checks to candidates who don't stand up for us, aren't we being self-destructive?" We don't know, Paul — Hillary didn't support gay marriage either, and you seem to have survived. Off you go! [Via Queerty]

1. Tropic Thunder - $16.1 million
In a weekend that saw some colossal summer comedy flops—more on that later—it must have come as happy news to the producers of Tropic Thunder that it retained its top spot at the box office two weeks in a row. That brings this big-budget paean to tropical scenery-chewing and wartime hammery to a not-too-shabby $65.7 million. “We definitely felt internally we were going to be No. 1, but Saturday was a pleasant surprise,” said DreamWorks/Paramount rep Chip Sullivan as he emerged from the executive bathroom with a look of triumphant accomplishment spread across his face.

2. The House Bunny - $15.1 million
Following not too far behind was The House Bunny, the Anna Faris Pi Bimbo Phi campus comedy that has officially inherited the title of America's #1 Gay Date movie from previous title-holders Sex and the City and Stop-Loss. A perfect brand-integration opportunity was completely squandered, however, as Bunny-approved Tuscan dining chain The Olive Garden was passed over as the location of Faris's post-hazing induction celebration, in favor of the far inferior Applebee's, home of the Riblet™.

3. Death Race - $12.293 million
Written and directed by videogame-adaptation shlockmeister Paul W.S. Anderson, the thinking-man's Uwe Boll, Race failed to really find the all-wheel traction at the box office production company Cruise/Wagner had hoped for. It did provide an apt visual metaphor for the disintegration of Tom and Paula's creative partnership, however, with the two until only recently chasing each other around the United Artists offices in suped-up muscle cars with hood-mounted Gatlings.

4. The Dark Knight - $10.305 million
We can't be the only ones shocked to learn Barack Obama passed on making The Dark Knight his running mate, in favor of Sen. Joe Biden. Sure, Biden might have the experience, but The Dark Knight looks way better in IMAX, and could have easily carried Ohio.

5. Star Wars: The Clone Wars - $5.66 million
We'll admit it: We're completely obsessed with the Abercrombie & Fitch-style (minus crotch-obscuring overpriced board shorts or any pretense that this is about anything besides eroticizing young male flesh) NSFW photography of head Lucasarts licensing exec Howard Roffman. We'll skip this one, but promise to pay full price to check out The Clone Wars 2: Naked Stormtroopers, shot in tasteful black-and-white.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE August 22–24, 2008 [boxofficemojo]

This week's installment also includes: Katherine Heigl, Anthony Michael Hall, Bryan Singer, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs, Louie Anderson, Tatyana Ali, Gordon Ramsey, Catherine Keener, Bradley Cooper, Victor Garber and more!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9
· Saw KATHERINE HEIGL at Cliff's Edge in Silverlake. My parents were in town and we wanted to take them someplace nice. We were sitting up in the outside covered area when Heigl and her entourage (which included her mother) were seated next to us. Alas, she decided that she didn't want to sit there (I heard her say something about not being able to smoke. Dead serious.), so they moved to a very secluded corner. Or, she may not have wanted to sit by us because when she came in, my sister nudged me and I totally turned around in my seat to look at who or what prompted the nudge ... perhaps she thought I was a super-fan who would lose my shit if she sat next to us. She would have been safe as I am not. Also, her voice is pretty annoying in person —way crackier than it is in movies.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13
· Saw ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL at Farmer's Market on Wednesday Aug 13th with Fiona Forbes (she's a Canadian tv host who no one in LA would reconize but i did!) He's still a little geeky.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 16
· Fiesta Cantina, The 'Ho: Fighting my way through the gay-os to secure one last 2-for-1 drink special, I spotted BRYAN SINGER jauntily hopping to the music as he entered. He looked fresh and young but not as fresh and young looking as the A&F wearing tyke he was with.
· JERRY O'CONNELL stopped by the 12 Shiny Nickels comedy show in Hollywood on Saturday night to see Carpoolers co-star TJ Miller perform. Seemed to have a delightful time.

MONDAY, AUGUST 18
· Around 11:30ish, saw PUFF DADDY trying to de-puff himself with some light cardio at Equinox West Hollywood. Take that, take that!
· LOUIE ANDERSON in front of Susina on Beverly.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19
· Saw twice in one night: the beautiful TATYANA ALI at Gingergrass and Hyperion Tavern with some friends.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20
· Had two good sightings in one night along the douchey Sunset Strip. First, outside of Ketchup, chef GORDON RAMSEY and his family. He was laid back and non-shouty, his kids looked happy and content and not snobby and privileged (I always look at the kids to see if they look miserable!). Then, later that night, outside of BLD Craft we see CATHERINE KEENER in the valet area. I spot her as we walk up and just as we pass her I said in a dorky voice "Catherine Keener, I love you". It cracked up the valet but she looked utterly confused and surprised (but awesome).
· Mini-Alias nonreunion in the Arclight lobby: BRADLEY COOPER exited with hipster friends; one minute later, VICTOR GARBER entered.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
· KIEFER SUTHERLAND must like the sandwiches at Dan Subs. Because he was there in Woodland Hills, on Ventura Blvd, again. This time, he was with GARY OLDMAN a Gary Oldman lookalike. Kiefer did not look so good — he looked exhausted. But he seemed to be enjoying his sub, but not nearly as much as the two stunning brunettes that were with them.

WHAT'S NEW: Or perhaps, rather, "What isn't new?" Moreover, it's a fascinating week of studio test drives for stars of varying magnitudes, with Jason Statham vs. Anna Faris vs. Rainn Wilson vs. Steve Coogan vs. Ice Cube and all of them forced to open against a Tropic Thunder crew looking for payback after last week's disappointing take. It's not an even playing field, but Universal's updating of Death Race 2000 — now known simply as Death Race, for action fans afraid of big numbers — has the best advantage with Statham's bankable, monosyllabic heroism set for a $17.5 million take.

We're pulling for Faris, meanwhile, as sharp and enduring (and continually underrated) a comic talent as anyone churned out of the Apatow stable, yet whose The House Bunny may not have the legs it needs to hop over The Dark Knight and into third place. The hell with it — we're calling for $11 million, which should narrowly surmount Batman by about $750,000. The Weinstein touch will do pretty much what you expect for Ice Cube's PG-rated (and Fred Durst-directed) The Longshots, nudging it only slightly over $6 million. Coogan's mixed-reviewed Hamlet 2 — which Focus bought this year at Sundance for $11 million — won't break the Top 10 in limited release.

Also opening: The Tori Spelling-starring Lovecraft adaptation Cthulu; the revealing (if slightly precious) documentary Anita O'Day: The Life of a Jazz Singer; and the wasted Germs/Darby Crash biopic What We Do is Secret, hands down the most dreadfully misconceived LA rock film since The Doors.

THE BIG LOSER: It's not like we're not pulling for Rainn Wilson in The Rocker or anything, but seeing Fox set him up as the next Jack Black in his first real leading role — a flabby, flamboyant man-child drummer who reclaims his dream of rock stardom by joining his nephew's band — only to have him crash with maybe $5.5 million tops? It's almost enough to make us wish for his return to those not-too-long ago Bob Shaye glory days. Or at least a new season of that sitcom in which he seems to excel.

THE UNDERDOG: Alex Holdridge may never get the credit he deserves (or thinks he deserves) for Superbad, but he'll always have In Search of a Midnight Kiss, a lovely, funny and strikingly elegant paean to love lost and found in Los Angeles. Wilson (Scoot McNairy) is a slack, self-described misanthrope seeking the same on Craigslist for a date on New Year's Eve. He winds up meeting Vivian, a conveniently cute blond played with relentless, freak-show ferocity by Sara Simmonds. Their eight-hour anti-courtship through a black-and-white city may seem familiar at first, but its chief references (Manhattan, Before Sunset) only reinforce how markedly Holdridge veers away from them over 100 minutes. In fact, his simultaneous embrace and rejection of the genre borrows most from his stars' chemistry — a sprawling cosmopolis of lust and apprehension in its own right. And did we mention it's funny? Take a date, or don't. Just see it.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD releases include HBO's 2000 election reimagining Recount, the Jonas Brothers' opus Camp Rock ("Extended Rock Star Edition"!), the Keanu Reeves disaster Street Kings, the "Election Year" edition of Oliver Stone's Nixon and, at last, Gossip Girl: The Complete First Season.

So is it Team Statham or Team Faris? Or is it just the time of year you flip a coin and/or let the box-office attendant decide your movie for you at random? We feel like we need selection brackets, ourselves; help guide our (and your fellow readers') ways below.

Howard Roffman is the bigwig in charge of all of toy licensing for Lucas Film....in other words he is the guy who decides what little kids and little boys will be playing with, you know like lightsabers they can cross and things like that.

Anyway, on the side and this is pretty well known within Lucas, Howard Roffman is also known for his gay pornography photos of handsome young.....and i mean YOUNG....guys in action.

Sure enough, we did some internet digging, and pulled up two very different online bios for the President of Lucas Licensing. His lucasfilm.com profile dryly lists his qualifications, explaining that "Roffman was able to combine business executive functions with creative marketing skills" to eventually oversee duties for "the licensing and marketing of all Lucasfilm properties in ancillary consumer markets, including the Star Wars and Indiana Jones films."

Then there's the Roffman described by himself at howardroffman.com:

I am a 52-year-old white, Jewish man who grew up in a decidedly white middle-class section of Philadelphia, who now lives in San Francisco with his partner of 31 years and whose career has nothing to do with photography. So how do I find myself publishing book after book of photographs of deliriously beautiful young men? I often find myself asking that very same question.

We invite you to peruse Roffman's eleven published collections of nude black-and-white studies; while this might not be material for everyone, we doubt anyone would deny Roffman's natural ability for capturing the contours of a very young man's blossoming body. Obviously, some parents might find this news of grave concern—but we're sure that a consummate professional such as himself can be trusted not to greenlight child-inappropriate Lucasfilm products like a Mutt Williams Vine-Swinging Loincloth or Handsy Solo and the Millennium Chickenhawk playset.

• howardroffman.com
• Howard Roffman [lucasfilm.com]

But her recent detention in Vegas after a drunken, assaultive visit to Caesar's Palace is what really compelled our consideration here: Who is this Hebrew hellcat, anyway? After the jump, learn everything worth knowing about Semel's climb to sort-of fame.

I. KNOW YOUR SEMELS

Courtenay, 28, is one of three daughters born to billionaire ex-Warner Bros/Yahoo! chief Terry Semel and Jane Bovingdon Semel, a former secretary to Susan George. She attended the Loomis Chaffee School in Windsor, Conn., before abandoning education for... we don't know. This is a historical gap we have yet to fill in; suggestions are welcome.

Regardless, she's clearly been doing some philosophizing over the decades, culminating in the powerful declaration of principles held forth below:

II. KNOW HER CANON

Courtenay got her start in 1991, portraying the crucial role of "Bratty Kid" in the Bruce Willis flop Hudson Hawk. Her 2000 follow-up — the never-released indie thriller Sweetie Pie — is best known for a cast also including Paris Hilton, Whitestarr vocalist Cisco Adler and the offspring of Dustin Hoffman and Kelsey Grammer.

Her "break" (and all of ours, really, if we're being honest) came when she was cast alongside childhood friend Kourtney Kardashian, George Foreman III, Fabian Basabe, Brittny Gastineau, Shanna Ferrigno and other nepotism all-stars on the 2005 E! series Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. The show featured Courtenay and Co. skipping the boilerplate South Beach coke getaways for a bit of reality-TV ranch-handery. Sadly, due in part to reasons listed below, it was not renewed for a second season.

III. KNOW HER ACCOLADES

Courtenay's otherworldly bitchy contribution to FR:CD was roundly commended by critics who cited her distinctive look ("like an overfed mutant chipmunk") and her performance as a "brattier, PMS’ing version of Haley Joel Osmond [sic]" — outmaneuvering even Basabe as the worst human being the show had to offer. Word is her father was happy with the performance in Hudson Hawk as well, but as of press time he has not responded to Defamer's requests for official comment.

IV. KNOW HER STYLE

Spoiled lipstick-lesbian chic, at once aggressively designed and thoroughly disposable — all spangles, trash, heels and hair.

V. KNOW HER LOVE LIFE

This is where it gets complicated. Courtenay has been very publicly attached to no fewer than three young women of varying celebrity since 2007, starting somewhat retroactively last winter with Lindsay Lohan. "Everyone thinks Samantha [Ronson] is Lindsay’s first lesbian love, but we were very passionate until her fear of being found out drove us apart," she was quoted as saying. "At the time she was terrified her career would be over if she revealed her sexual tendencies. But then Samantha came on to the scene and I was dropped.” That triangle was fleshed out a little more this week by our cousins at Gawker, who noted that Courtenay and Ronson both visited LiLo separately during her rehab residency.

Next came Johnson and Johnson heiress Casey Johnson, who made the gossip rounds last month after a canoodling binge with Courtney. Enter Tila Tequila, who showed up maybe a week ago? A couple weeks ago? Anyway, now they've found true love, as evidenced by the scorching red-carpet chemistry below:

Surely she must also have been some poor bastard's beard somewhere along the way; as always, your tips are welcome!

VI. KNOW HER EMPIRE

You mean besides her father's 10-figure net worth, divided four ways sometime in the next 15 to 20 years? Not so much. We guess she can always lobby for a Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive — The Complete Series DVD Box Set, even though Basabe probably has a 75/25 split written into his deal. He thinks of everything.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Has been a Kardashian family BFF since the age of 2.

· Intimate public displays of affection with Tila Tequila range from kissing to spoon-feeding ice cream in VIP areas.

· Reportedly drove off from this year's VH1 Rock Honors with Casey Johnson in a $160,000 Mercedes that wasn't theirs. They returned it a few minutes later.

Did we miss something? Chime in below — we're nothing without you.

[Photo Credits: Getty Images]

You scoff, but think about it. Where were we before he was hatched in a Merv Griffin-underwritten research laboratory somewhere on the NM/AZ border? No, not wealthier in every sense of the word and filled with boundless hope for the future! We were utterly Seacrestless—set adrift on an open red carpet landscape, without a clue as to how to best conduct a Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna interview at the Daytime Emmys without seeming as though we were just biding time until Joy Behar made her way down the press line. So begrudge Ryan not when you read that his ever-expanding empire is expanding some more.

Seacrest is more than just a sublime inevitability. He's the mold for a new breed entirely: The mogulsexual, that flawlessly manicured Captain of New Industry, whose blind commitment to embodying all other annoying urban-male neologisms resulted in the steady accumulation of mind-boggling levels of wealth, power, and fame. You don't hate Ryan Seacrest. You want to be Ryan Seacrest.

Defamer, out.

• Yet Another Deal For Ryan Seacrest Inc. [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Pedro Zamora: Before The Real World became principally concerned with two things (castmate hookups, and acting as a feeder for the better-rated Challenges), it was filled with the sort of people who had never been seen on TV before — something reality TV can excel at, if it wants to. One of those people was Pedro Zamora, a gay, HIV-positive educator who died the day after his last episode aired on MTV. No less than President Clinton praised Zamora for giving the country a personal look into those living with the disease.

Why He Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: Who would he be able to hook up with?

Daria: It's hard to imagine, but MTV used to relate more to outcasts than potential prom kings and queens — and there was no one more acerbic than Daria Morgendorffer.

Why She Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: Not willing to make out with other girls.

Julie Brown: No, not the VJ famous for saying "Wubba Wubba," but the comedienne who hosted the outlandish Just Say Julie from 1989 to 1992. Absolutely everything on the network was fair game to her (long before Beavis & Butthead, she was playing music videos just to mock them), and she satirized sacred cows like Madonna and her own Valley Girl image with impunity.

Why She Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: According to this site, Brown was born in 1954, which meant she turned 35 during the first season of her show. 35! Can you even imagine MTV handing a show to a 35 year-old woman now? They'd sooner give the VMAs back to the Wayans brothers.

Tabitha Soren: It may be hard to believe, but there was a point when the MTV News reporter pictured above was derided as nothing more than a shameless attempt to sex up the news. Nowadays, even your local news anchor resembles Jenna Jameson.

Why She Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: Only male news personalities are allowed to grow old gracefully on MTV. And by "gracefully," we mean that despite pushing fifty, they are expected to dye their hair and dress like members of Good Charlotte.

Kurt Cobain: The frontman of Nirvana ushered in an age devoid of pop singers and boybands, where nerdy, unconventional acts like Radiohead and Bjork were given common rotation for their groundbreaking videos.

Why He Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: It's hard to break out as a music video star when you're relegated to 30-second clips playing alongside the end credits for Run's House.

The Kabel typeface: There may be nothing better associated with MTV than this iconic typeface, which was used to intro and outro every single video (and was phased out last year).

Why It Wouldn't Be Allowed on MTV Now: No more videos to intro and outro. Which brings us to our last item...

Music Videos: When Justin Timberlake won an award at last year's VMAs, he finished his MTV-dissecting speech by yelling, "Play more damn videos!" Sorry Justin, you're going to have to get your music videos the same way the rest of us do now: on YouTube, at 3am, after a drunken search for Arrested Development's "Tennessee" ends with a lonely, mangled singalong.

While much has been made of whether or not this tangent into the realm of prosthetics-and-yak-hair-based comedy marked a new beginning for the faltering superstar's career—or a spectacular start to its end—there's no denying Cruise's investment in the demonic performance, as if he realized what was stake as the cameras rolled. Yes, this is truly one for the ages, with Cruise's unforgettable delivery of, "Take a big step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE" sure to be sandwiched between the Risky Business underwear sequence and Born on the Fourth of July's climactic protest scene in future billion-year lifetime achievement award ceremony highlight reels.

• Tom Cruise’s ‘Tropic Thunder’ Cameo Leaks to YouTube, Is Not Funny [Vulture]

Oh, but for the good old days, we're learning as the all-knowing National Enquirer — your trusted (and print-only in this case, we're afraid) oracle for anonymously sourced Foster's Splitsville drama — now reports that the actress's romantic reboot may cost her a quarter of her fortune. Or, adjusted roughly for inflation, $25 million:

Over the summer, however, Jodie began to realize just how much was at stake financially. ... The actress has an estimated net worth of $100 million, with at least $50 million being earned during her relationship with Cydney. Cydney could ask for — and likely get — half of the $50 million if she sued Jodie.

To counter that threat, the source says Jodie is desperately trying to keep peace between her new lover and Cydney. "She wants them to be friends," the source said. "Jodie realizes that if Cydney perceives them to be one big happy family, she'd never sure for half her assets."

And what signifies a "big happy family"? Free residency for Bernard at one of Foster's homes in LA, for starters, followed by invitations to "parties and barbecues" to visit Foster's sons Charles and Kit. And, of course, a classically Foster-esque buyout that we'll likely never know about, requiring a yearly six-figure annuity and the contractual divestiture of Foster's beloved, Scorsese-signed Taxi Driver one-sheet to Bernard's lawyers "just for the hell of it." A tough break, to be sure — perhaps the star's toughest yet. But for a younger woman and anything else worth having, pay now or pay later; we just hope this doesn't necessitate Nim's Island 2.