After Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck attempt to assist the clueless singer/actress/professional pouter in promoting her record-breaking new single, Simpson jumps right in by noting that she first heard the song while riding home (from Church!) in Dallas with none other than Tony. Even the show's producers participated in the "Jessica Simpson Is So, So Happy! We Swear!" segment by immediately flashing to a shot of the couple looking just like every high school's Prom King and Queen posing for cheap glamour shots. Thankfully, Hasselbeck's always-impressive skill of insulting guests while disguising the low blow in complimentary clothing came through, as the co-host told Jessica that "country is where you should be." Yes, Elisabeth. If only it were another country, we'd agree with you even more.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

Until today we were really pulling for Anne. That skin so porcelain we'd rather eat lunch on it than our own dishes, those big boobs so subtly carried that we barely ever noticed she had big boobs, and her ability to charm any late night host all added up to the exact type of Hollywood starlet we can get on board with. And today's news that she'd finally washed that eurotrash outta her hair added a cherry to an already delicious sundae of a chick. But watching her awkwardly struggle to pick a sentence and go with it after over-enthusiastically waxing perfection on "the divine Miss Kate Hudson!", those normally relaxed shoulders stiffen, those big bewitching eyes rolled ever so slightly, and Hathaway's stripes were shown for the first time.

After attempting to end her rambling by quietly mentioning how much weight she lost for the role and how much skinnier and hotter she was than Kate Hudson based on frequent skirt size comparisons, Hathaway's brain returned from their short-lived vacation, as she churned out a few jokes about straight guys liking big butts. The momentarily shocked View audience resumed their giggling, Whoopi stifled a preachy speech, and chatter as light as air fluttered back through the building. We can almost hear the entire ABC building let loose a collective "Phew!" as the old Anne returned. It's moments like these when we say a little prayer for the ongoing existence of live television and all the unpredictable lapses in good manners that make life worth living.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

• WATCH VIDEO

Flash forward to today's episode of The View, which featured an appearance from none other than Winger herself. Being the gossipy yentas that they are, The Ladies Of The View weren't about to let an opportunity to grill Winger on one of Hollywood's most famous rivalries pass them by. Well, you know the old saying that "Time heals all wounds"? Let's just say that it's not applicable in this case.

When Joy raises the issues of Debra Winger's notorious reputation in Hollywood, both Elisabeth and Sherri pile on in an attempt to get Debra to spill the beans about the legendarily cantankerous kook. But instead of taking the opportunity to be the bigger person and diffuse the situation by saying words to the effect of "what's done is done", Winger stood defiant by refusing to turn the other cheek. And proving that her case of sour grapes isn't solely limited to her narrow Oscar loss, Winger almost let us in on the (seemingly not-so-pleasant) secret of what really turned little Troy Bishop Huckleberry Fox into a blubbering mess on set. While it sadly appears that we'll never find out how many licks it took to get to the center of that Tootsie Pop, we can only speculate that it had something to do with threats of broken wind.

• The View [ABC]

• WATCH VIDEO

After Denise sternly yet comically puts all those husband-stealing rumors to bed, Whoopi Goldberg opens up her patented can of Whoop Ass and grills the Jessica Rabbit understudy on why she would consider dragging her two young daughters through reality trainwreck hell. But Denise is no sissy, and asks her (twice!) if she'd even seen the show. Whoopi assures her she has with a nervous nod and a "Yes, ma'am," but we're not true believers. If she had, wouldn't she have learned by now that Richards is not the kind of guest you actually throw thinking cap type questions at?

• THE VIEW [ABC]

In the accompanying interview, Hasselbeck reveals that with age, comes a measure of wisdom and inner-peace regarding God's Bigger Plan For How You Look in a Bikini. She explains: "I finally told myself ... 'I've got some curves, I've got a bubble butt, but I don't mind, because it's what powers me forward when I run.'" It's that fiery passion—whether in espousing the basic tenants of Joseph Pilates' Contrology theory or decrying Rev. Jeremiah Wright for being a peanut-butter-and-jelly-loving Cannibal-American—that runs through just about everything she touches. In honor of Hasselbeck, then, we take a moment to celebrate all American mothers' Constitutional rights to show off their still-perky racks and improbably toned stomachs on newsstands across the country. (Joy, Barbara, and Sherri: That obviously excludes you.)

And if you are interested in weighing in on what Miss Hasselbeck's most impressive asset is, head on over to AOL to make your voice heard! For those of you looking to cast your vote for "her fertility", sorry, that isn't one of the options.

• Elisabeth Hasselbeck Bares Her Body After Baby [People]

"When her lover...told the newswoman she was the oldest woman he had ever been with, she wanted to say - but never did - 'Oh yeah? Well you are the blackest man I have ever been with.'"

While we await the sordid details surrounding the affair Walters is set to share with Oprah on Tuesday, we do finally hear Walters' real feelings regarding previous co-hosts Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell. As the NYDN reports, Walters was particularly livid "when Jones refused to admit publicly that she had gastric bypass surgery to lose weight [and] her co-workers were forced to lie for her." And as for Rosie, it seems all that tension across the spotless flower-laden table shared by the ladies was just as real as we suspected. As Walters puts it, "The premise of The View is that of a team working together, but for Rosie it was more like Diana Ross and the Supremes, as little by little she took over." And after learning just how saucy Babs has been in the past, it's clear that there's only room for one diva at the table, even if Walters prefers her trademark white-blonde feathered bob to an enormous afro.

• BARBARA WALTERS: I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MARRIED SENATOR EDWARD BROOKE [NYDN]
• THE VIEW [ABC]

Hayden Panettiere posed in a very pin-up girl series of poses in this past December issue, Lindsay Lohan went fully topless in their January 2006 issue, and Nicole Richie played Moulin Rouge dancer, baring her tiny butt in the May 06 VF. While none of the three girls were underage (Hayden had just turned 18), the photos are far more soft-core porny than Miley's somewhat glamorous black and white snapshot.

And, as we all recall, the July 2003 cover of VF was all about "raining teens," featuring the likes of Amanda Bynes, the Olsens, and Lindsay Lohan long before they became the powerhouses they are today. More importantly, the underage stars were all shot looking like adults. They were sexy. They were pouting. The cover officially transformed them from smiley untouchable kids to Lolitas.

So, here's what we're wondering. What exactly is so horrifying about seeing Hannah Montana, from behind, covering herself up with a sheet? We've already seen her in short skirts on stage, and cleavage-enhancing dresses on red carpets. All we see here is her back. Frankly, the scandal heard round the world isn't breaking our eardrums. And we sincerely hope Disney agrees.

• MILEY CYRUS: I'M SORRY FOR PHOTOS [People]
• REVEALING PHOTO THREATENS A MAJOR DISNEY FRANCHISE [NYT]

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• WATCH VIDEO

• The View

But it was contestant Brooke White for whom she saved her most venomous rhetoric, accusing the emotive earth mother—seconded only by Paula Abdul in the ease and frequency with which she can access her sob-reflex—of befouling George Harrison's "Here Comes the Sun" with a dunderheaded interpretation that involved the donning of a literal sun dress, impromptu pirouettes, and involuntary yelps of joy. Or, to put it in Shepherd's terms, the Earth may not be flat, but that crazy bitch in the yellow sure as hell is.

• The View

Dolled up in a silk ascot and the most ornately lined blazer completely-lucked-upon money can buy, Jackson begged to differ with Joy Behar's assessment that the show's popularity hinged on the absent Simon Cowell (who, shitting bigger than Elisabeth Hasselbeck, had better things to do today). They were also made to address the seeming double standard that sent poor contestant Frenchie Davis home for naughty internet work, but allowed exotic-dancing, unwitting booger-harborer David Hernandez to stay. Abdul explained the two not-very-different scenarios as "different." Perhaps if female-body-curious Barbara Walters had been there, her generous offer of demonstrating the finer shadings between the two sex-working genres would have been more enthusiastically received.

• The View

The only question is, where will Babs store the thing? One would assume she'll place it atop one of her own myriad toilets spread across the country. However, we're betting that the more likely outcome involves an eagle-eyed sanitation guy at the studio discovering the item stuffed in a garbage can, wrapped discretely in stationary with The View's letterhead. The only somewhat sweet part of this messy story is Elisabeth Hasselbeck's innocent-as-a- Bush-supporter-can-be response to the sight of the clinker: "Where do you find such a thing?" Oh, Hasselbecky. Our advice? Just wait a few hours and check the dumpster out back.

• THE VIEW [Offical Site]

She first reminded Barbara Walters of the time he, a huge Barbara fan, approached Walters on an airplane. (It turns out she was cordial, which seemed to take even Barbara by surprise.) But it's Shannon's startling impression of her father's death-rattle wishes—at once macabre, hilarious, and deeply touching—that we've singled out for your enjoyment. It's a scene that instantly recalls the final words spoken by John Barrymore to daughter Dolores Ethel Blyth on his death bed: "There are...no small parts...my dearest Dolores...Only...small—" with the identity of that elusive small thing cut stymieingly short by the piercing ring of a flatlining EKG.

• The View

But then how did Elisabeth Hasselbeck's introduction of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (as it turns out challenged, not advanced, by Albert Einstein) figure into the quandary? If Jeff Conaway and Brigitte Nielsen were put in a spaceship and launched at the speed of light on an intergalactic journey, would they come back looking any less like shit? Our mind is spinning. Damn you, Ugly Hasselbecky, and your grasp of quantum celebrity addiction physics!

• The View [ABC]

When even the relatively safe haven of the Hot Topics table fails to shelter you from the pointed barbs and open-mouthed guffaws of your daytime sisterhood, we can only imagine what life in the schoolyard was like. It's early-life emotional duress such as that which provides the ideal conditions for the seeds of extreme neo-conservatism to sprout, like a cancer, in the farthest recesses of one's deeply damaged super-ego.

• The View

While Whoopi held steadfast on the pro side of the issue, the cons were represented by Babs and Sherri. Things get interesting for a bit while Whoopi and Sherri debated the various means of consuming marijuana (Whoopi to Sherri: "Have you ever smoked [pot] in a glass pipe?"), but when the floor gets turned over to Joy, the conversation suddenly and strangely turned toward the oeuvre of Ezra Pound. In what is surely Pound's first mention on daytime television this decade, Joy wants it known that it's okay to enjoy his poems despite the fact that he was a rampant anti-Semite. Alrighty then! Despite the fact that these four brainiacs never really got around to settling their argument (do they ever?), we can all rest assured knowing that no stoner was left unturned in this hot button debate for the ages.

• The View [ABC]

• The View [ABC.com]
• Previously: Hillary Clinton Gunning For Strategically Crucial 'The View' Endorsement [Defamer]

Comfortingly, the co-hosts are just as puzzled as we are about the impulse that led Ledger's masseuse to call Mary-Kate Olsen before 911 upon discovering her client's body; still, Joy Behar, always the pragmatist, managed to steer the conversation away from the gossipy and towards the practical, providing her colleagues with potentially life-saving instructions should one of them stumble upon her unconscious form under similar mysterious circumstances: she wants an ambulance, not an Olsen Twin and her security guards. Sherri, however, would prefer that a concerned friend take some time to empty her closets and computer of porn before placing an emergency call.

• The View [ABC.com]
• Previously: Frantic Masseuse Tells NYPD That Mary-Kate Olsen and Heath Were in 'Mutual Relationship' [Defamer]

Special bonus topic of conversation: If Clay "never had a choice" about his various hairstyles (we think he should have stuck to The Rachel), then just who is calling the Clay salon shots? Discuss.

• The View
• Clay Aiken's Blog [Spamalot]

On The View this morning, the ladies were without their fearlessly stentorian leader, Baba Wawa. Whoopi, the de facto boss when Babs isn't around, was so emboldened by the absence of Miss Walters that she decided to bring up the fact that Wesley Snipes has called the septugenarian slurrer as a witness in said tax evasion case. Don't believe us? Watch the clip. Hot Topics, whoo!

• Wesley Snipes: All Kinds Of Crazy [THE SMOKING GUN]

Then she turns her inquisition on the panel itself, all of whom fervently deny any such aberrant behavior—well, all except Barbara "Steam Room" Walters, whose lackluster objections we think may be partially due to a brief, yet utterly unforgettable, 1973 encounter in the billiards room of Aristostle Onassis's yacht.

• Watch Video
• The View

On today's show, the subject of Dr. Phil's willingness to become entangled in Britney's web of crazy was tossed out; as we often do during these lively discussions, we found ourselves nodding along with Joy Behar's common-sense take. Rather than turning her troubled daughter over to the TV doctor for a sensationalist, medically suspect injection of tough-love following the meltdown, mother Lynne should have secreted her off to an Austrian asylum for treatment; at the very least, that course of action would have bought the opportunistic stage mom more time to figure out the most lucrative way to play the situation before the tabloids could get involved and ruin her plans.

• The View [ABC.com]
• Previously: Should Nickelodeon Take The Knocked-Up Jamie Lynn Spears' Show Off The Air? A Very Special 'View' Debate [Defamer]

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• The View [ABC]

Today, however, the co-hosts were better prepared to discuss dispassionately the implications of Spears' pregnancy, specifically what Nickelodeon should do about the problem with which their teen star has saddled them: Should they yank the show to teach kids that there are consequences to not being smart enough to use birth control before one's acting career is mature enough to withstand such a interruption? Or should they go forward with a pregnant lead, hoping that she won't inspire its impressionable viewers to beg their boyfriends for a cool baby bump like the one Zoey keeps clumsily trying to hide with her backpack? Let Whoopi, Joy, Barbara and Sherri help you make your own informed opinion on the matter; after all, that's what they're here for.

• The View [ABC.com]
• Previously: The Broadcast Media React To Jamie Lynn Spears' Unexpected Knocking-Up [Defamer]

Thankfully, the segment veered away from the erotically charged one of yesterday, though there was a fleeting moment when we feared that Walters, stroking the suede-and-lace accented greeting from a certain fading megastar with a little too much relish, might succumb to the same kind of baffling Cruiselust that once wreaked havoc on former couchmate Rosie O'Donnell's sexual identity.

• The View [ABC.com]

According to Sherri, there's just something about Christmas parties that makes people do something they wouldn't normally do. Judging by Sherri standards, you might think this means reading Richard Dawkins or simply shutting shutting up. But it doesn't.

• The View [ABC]

She lists all 26 of them, Puffy chalks it up to "evolution," and an irate Sherri leaps from the coach and removes her earrings while shrieking, "Oh no you did NOT just use that word up on my show. They didn't just evolve; the name 'Puffy' is obviously the work of an intelligent designer!" (The theories will be taught side by side in Kansas public schools.)

• The View

• The View [ABC]

And, most crucially: if elected, is he going to build a couple of new homes adjacent to the White House that share a secret backyard, turning our nation's First Residence into some kind of polygamist stronghold, just like those people on Big Love? Once she has the answers to hard questions like these in hand, she'll finally be ready to make an informed choice about Romney and his mysterious faith.

• The View [ABC.com]