Oprah-Led Think Tank Deconstructs Mariah's Quickie-Marriage Logic

Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Abs Are Living The American Dream

Everyone's favorite daytime punching bag Elisabeth Hasselbeck has undergone an impressive physical transformation in the six months since birthing son Taylor Thomas, shedding every trace of her pregnancy weight and showing off her newly shredded, Survivor-era physique on the cover of this month's Fitness magazine. (An alternate cover, featuring The View co-host in a revealing two-piece bathing suit reading, "Mission Accomplished," was ultimately deemed to be in questionable taste, and rejected in favor of the fetching aqua design you see above.)

'The View' Audience In Critical Condition After Patricia Heaton Devours All Available Oxygen

Barbara Walters' Memoir Packed With Tales Of Former 'Lovahs', Including 'The Blackest Man' She Ever Slept With

"When her lover...told the newswoman she was the oldest woman he had ever been with, she wanted to say - but never did - 'Oh yeah? Well you are the blackest man I have ever been with.'"

Investigating The Miley Cyrus 'Topless' Photo Scandal: Career-Ender Or Standard Starlet Move?

Sherri Shepherd's Crush On David Beckham Makes Everyone Uncomfortable

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck On The Subtle Differences Between PB&J Sandwiches and Cannibalism

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Let Barbara Walters Throw You Some Holla

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Sherri Shepherd Demands To Know: Where Is The 'Idol' Beatles-Mangling Outrage?

After two weeks of witnessing American Idol finalists despoil the beloved compositions of The Beatles' songbook, Sherri Shepherd could sit silent no longer, unleashing on today's The View a blistering condemnation of their shameless, vocoder-assisted blaspheming of the sacred pop texts.

Is It Just Us, Or Do Snoop And Barbara Walters Have Some Palpable Sexual Chemistry?

· Today on The View, Snoop Dogg demonstrated his signature yoga position, sideways-facing fucked-up-in-this-bitch. [The View]
· Distressing news out of ShoWest: Global warming trends will force the price of a medium-sized bucket of movie theater popcorn to rise to an astonishing $199.95 in the coming year. [LAT]
· The warrant for Richard Gere's arrest for publicly shaking Shilpa's Shettys has been lifted. Watch out, India: He's coming back for your women! [Yahoo News]
· Are you a healthy young man with a deep desire to go to Coachella, but not the means to afford those hefty admission prices? Fear not. Sperm For Tickets can help. [spermfortickets.com via b3ta]
· Hey, you. Yeah, you! Don't be a shmuck! Photocopy your wallet, dumbass! [Consumerist]

Inarticulate Casts Of 'Idol' And 'The View' Realize They Have A Lot In Common

Two-thirds of the American Idol grand jury stopped by The View today to promote their various side-projects (the completely pitchy-free Randy Jackson's Music Club, Volume 1 in stores now, dawg!) and dish about the greatest tournament in competitive karaoke history.

The Tale of Barbara Walters, Miley Cyrus, And The Golden Toilet

While we certainly hope that the ladies of The View are ladylike when it comes to using the ladies' rooms at other lady celebrities' houses [Ed. Note - That's a lot of ladies!], the same can't be said for the men who man Barbara Walters' camera crew. In this clip, Walters politely told the story of how her visit to Casa Cyrus for her (barely watched) Oscar special turned into a literal shitshow, with toilets overflowing and Miley's "very nicely attractive mother" Tish bitterly hissing under her breath that she didn't mind one bit. But the icing on the shitcake is the way in which the Cyrus clan says "Thanks For Visiting, Come Again Soon!", which, in a surprising twist, does not come in the form of a Hallmark card, but rather an engraved tchotchke in the shape of a golden toilet.

Molly Shannon Recreates Her Father's Last Moments For The Visibly Uncomfortable Ladies Of 'The View'

When Molly Shannon was four years old, she was in a terrible car accident in her home town of Shaker Heights that took the lives of her mother, her little sister, and her cousin. That left her dad James Shannon, who survived the crash with a crushed leg, to raise Molly and her older sister Mary. Stopping by The View today to chat about upcoming projects (she'll be starring in the U.S. version of Australian sitcom hit Kath and Kim), Shannon veered onto the subject of her dad.

Camera-Hogging Ladies Of 'The View' Can't Wrap Their Heads Around The Shameless Famewhores Of 'Celebrity Rehab'

Dr. Drew appeared on The View today to update the world on the status of his Celebrity Rehab patients (tally: one jailed, one Scientology convert, the rest currently missing). The hosts had a difficult time swallowing one point in particular, being why anyone would allow such a difficult and deeply private journey to play out for reality TV cameras. Could it be as simple of Joy Behar's blunt assessment that these personalities are most addicted to celebrity itself?

Ugly Hasselbecky

In case any of you ugly ducklings out there stare at the impossibly adorable and feisty Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View panel's hawkish contributor, and see in her an unattainably shrill ideal, fear not. She too was once a gawky pre-adolescent, smiling past the sadness through a wall of orthodontic appliances and tragically outmoded frames purchased at the short-lived Sally Jesse Raphael Optical Centers (Your Glasses—and Some Tough Love—in About An Hour!™).

Drugs! Anti-Semites! Restless Arm Syndrome! All This And More On Today's 'View'

Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy Nearly Prevents Elizabeth Hasselbeck's Voice From Being Heard On Super Tuesday

Britney Spears Is Going To Be OK, Says One Of Her Trustworthy New Hangers-On

· Take heart, Britney fans: On today's The View, one of the upstanding new people in Spears's life told Barbara Walters she's getting the help she needs for her "treatable" mental "issues"; Walters wants to believe him, though she admits she's not as reliable a lie-detector as the ones they use on The Moment of Truth.
· Eugene Mirman sets the standard by which all subsequent Tom Cruise parody videos will be judged. Sorry, Jerry O'Connell, it's going to take more than adding some outtakes to unseat the new, turtlenecked king.
· A jubilant No Country for Old Men's Josh Brolin dances upon the grave of the big studios who signed his paychecks.
· The Daily Show's Aasif Mandvi helps explain the WGA's often-confusing strike rules.