Defamer: The Tonight Show

Jay Leno Is Totally Gay For Jessica Biel

Molly Friedman — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:00:00 PDT

Jay Leno is going through a sexual identity crisis. After getting in trouble with the gays for Ryan Phillippe GayFaceGate, it seems as though all the apologies and gay wedding attendances have him worried his flyover state fan base may have lost faith in his man’s man, Harley-riding rep. And in an effort to clean up that potential mess, he’s resorted to eagerly provoking Justin Timberlake into pervy chatter about the improvisational humor-challenged song and dance boy’s girlfriend Jessica Biel. To prove his macho prowess, he leaps suggestively into a tale about meeting Biel on a Jaywalk when she was just 15 or 16, and insists (twice, in fact) that all sorts of very heterosexual thoughts went flooding through his head. As uncomfortable as this clip makes us, Timberlake finds the entire ordeal a (quite literal) thigh-slapper. The pair’s respective desperate attempts at humor and machismo, after the jump.

After hungrily leaning forward in his sweaty seat to probe Justin with those standard women's magazine questions ("Are you engaged?!" and "Is anyone pregnant?!"), Timberlake does his best to affect charm by avoiding the issues at hand and turning to his well-worn, though never well-received, stand-up act. He's "engaged" in the conversation! Get it? Yeah, unfortunately, we got it. But it's Jay's repeated allusion to meeting the prematurely sexy and underage Biel playing volleyball (insert wink and elbow nudge here) that has us picturing things we never want to ever, ever again. You see, Jay "would still be in jail" had he acted on whatever Dirty Old Man desires he assures both Timberlake and America he most definitely, cross-his-chick-loving-heart, felt at the time. We get it Jay, and no, we still don't want any part of it.

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO [NBC]

Liv Tyler Shares Dad's Fathering Methods, Including The Time He Flossed Her Teeth While Tripping

Molly Friedman — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:50:00 PDT

So Liv Tyler just separated from her husband of five years and her Jolie-lipped father Steven Tyler just entered rehab for the 78th time, but in the most highly impressive of ways, the actress managed to avoid both lines of questioning during an interview with gay love lover Jay Leno by sweetly relaying stories of their incredibly “healthy” habits. After getting that boring "Oh My Gawd What Was It Like Having Your Dad Watch You Pole Dance At 16" story out of the way (nailed it, Jay!), Tyler paints a very Norman Rockwell-esque portrait of life at Casa Tyler as a child. Though we fear what the young Liv understood to be fatherly love was, in actuality, acid-tripping fatherly hallucinations involving trippy strings of floss. Watch and learn.

After gleefully noticing Liv's decision to leave that recent caked-on makeup and tranny-ish new look behind her, we couldn't help but grow worried as she told the tale of when Papa Tyler taught her about how one goes about flossing their teeth. Steven's method, you see, was to force little Liv to (cringe) "smell" the tape post-floss. Naturally, Liv found the scent "disgusting," and has been quite the star flosser ever since. But considering the life her metallic Speedo-loving father was leading at the time, we hope she never comes to the realization we've currently come to: Liv's gorgeous smile is the result of one whacked out bender Steven spent in the bathroom smelling dental plaque.

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO [NBC]

Jay Leno To Put On Gayest Face At Gayest Event In Gayest State...Tonight!

Molly Friedman — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 15:49:02 PDT

Everything is truly coming up roses for gay love in California this spring. The state’s gay marriage ban was lifted, Ellen DeGeneres got down on one trousered knee, and tonight, everyone’s favorite homophobic “comic” Jay Leno will put on his gayest face, prove just how much he adores boys who like boys, and attend an actual same-sex group marriage rally. As E! quotes the event’s spokesperson, “He said that he is from Massachusetts and that the sky did not fall in their state when marriage equality became the law of the land there...He wants to impress upon everyone here in California that the sky will not fall here either.” Yes, Jay. The sky will not fall on California, but we some interested parties certainly hope it falls right on top of you. More details on the event (get your fucking tickets NOW!) and the gay community’s reaction, after the jump:

As you may recall, Leno made an ass out of the ass that he already is by forcing Ryan Phillippe to demonstrate his "gayest face" during Ryan's March appearance, leading to apology after ineffective apology. But at the Abbey tonight, Leno will join Katherine Heigl's gay boyfriend T.R. Knight and a whole host of same-sex couplets as they wed and rally in support of the Gays' Best Year Ever. Our minds are already being blown just imagining what on Earth Leno will wear. Will he pull a Rudy and attend in full-out Monroe drag? Pull a different kind of Rudy and don fishnets and a silk codpiece? Or will he stand firm and make absolutely sure his flyover state fans don't confuse him for one of those people and show up in his Eagle-friendly manly motorcycle ensemble of denim button-down, denim jeans and well-worn cowboy boots? More importantly, will Sexiest Vegetarian Kevin be his date? Yes, our mind has officially been blown.

JAY LENO SAYS 'I DO' IN SUPPORT OF GAY MARRIAGE [E! Online]

'Done Deal': Jimmy Fallon To Replace Conan O'Brien In '09

Molly Friedman — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 17:10:00 PDT

Rumors that notorious SNL line-flubber Jimmy Fallon might replace Conan O'Brien following his move to The Tonight Show have been floating around for over a year now. But today, Fox News adds some real substance to all the chatter by boldly reporting that "it's a done deal." Debates will inevitably and endlessly ensue regarding Fallon's ability to fill the shoes of everyone's favorite red head (with all apologies to the late Lucille Ball), especially considering Fallon's lack of experience as a writer or improviser. More details from Fox on how Fallon is handling the news and when we can expect an official announcement, after the jump.

While Fox's Roger Friedman is wildly optimistic about Falllon's upcoming arrival behind Conan's desk, his enthusiasm strikes us as a bit too gushy. As he puts it, "He's the perfect successor to Conan and should have just as big an audience when he takes the reins. Fallon is one of those great underrated performers." True, Fallon was at one time a favorite of ours, partly because he was the cutest cast member at the time, and partly because of his dead-on Barry Gibb impression. But as Tracey Morgan and other cast members infamously said, most of Jimmy's laughs were the result of messing up his lines almost every Saturday night. Understandably, Fox notes that Fallon is "said to be thrilled and ready, if not a little scared." In any case, an official announcement from NBC is reportedly scheduled for May 11th or 12th, when NBC unveils its 2008 schedule to advertisers in New York.

[Photo credit: Wireimage]

JIMMY FALLON CINCHES CONAN'S JOB [Fox News]

Jason Segel Changes Story Just In Time For Last 'Sarah Marshall' Interview

STV — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 13:10:00 PDT

"I got dumped once while naked..." So begins the umpteenth and (we think) final televised retelling of Jason Segel's exceedingly well-practiced cock-flaunting anecdote from the set of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Seeing as he took pains to mix it up a little last night on The Tonight Show, we're almost sorry to see him step off the publicity roundabout just when his improvisatory spirit was just taking flight: "This is the first time [in my career] I might start getting recognized," he told Jay Leno. "Every person who's come up to me is staring directly at my crotch!" See? Now that's a story! [NBC]

WATCH VIDEO

Sherri Shepherd's Crush On David Beckham Makes Everyone Uncomfortable

Molly Friedman — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 12:45:00 PDT

Remember when you were in high school and used to dreamily stare at the sexy magazine spreads (pun intended) of whomever your crush of the moment was? Well, apparently The View's Sherri Shepherd still does this, but she takes the whole process a bit too far. After Jay Leno introduced her as the second slot guest after David Beckham on The Tonight Show last night, Sherri proceeded to spend the next four or so minutes crushing on Becks like she was a nine-year-old schoolgirl with a serious Man U fetish. Not only was there talk of Sherri putting her advanced scrapbooking techniques to work on that infamous Posh 'n Becks photoshoot but, even more disturbingly, she waxed poetically her ladyparts doing what Tracy Morgan would call "a high-five" to a visibly nervous David's manparts. That's one view we'd prefer never to see. [NBC]

WATCH VIDEO

An Open Call For 'Gayest Looks' Showers Jay Leno In Fabulous Middle-Finger Salutes

Seth — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 16:26:02 PDT

Hollywood's highest-paid scab Jay Leno's recent solicitation of Ryan Phillippe's "gayest look" for his cameras, part of a longer, excruciatingly unfunny and offensive bit about the actor's role as TV's first gay teen on One Life To Live, has now spawned a website, called My Gayest Look For Jay Leno: It invites people to send in their gayest looks, which seem to involve a great deal of creative bird-flipping. The site was co-created by Avenue Q playwright Jeff Whitty, who previously penned an open letter beseeching The Tonight Show host to stop making homophobic jokes in his monologues. Leno apparently called him up for a half-hour talk about Whitty's concerns, but has since returned to his egregious ways. We fear it's time to call in Ross the Intern to mediate what is quickly growing into an ugly and contentious affair between Jay and the Gays.

Our Raison D'être [My Gayest Look For Jay Leno]

Jay Leno Tickled By Ryan Phillippe's Former Role As Gay Teen

Seth — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 11:35:21 PDT

On last Wednesday's The Tonight Show, Towleroad notes, Ryan Phillippe popped by to promote Stop-Loss. Host Jay Leno—a man being courted aggressively by studios and networks, with promises of eight-figure contracts and brand new theaters bearing his name—opened the interview with questions about Phillippe's first paying job on One Life To Live.

In 1993, when he was 17, Phillippe was cast in a groundbreaking role on the long-running soap, playing the first openly gay teenager on network TV—a subject way ahead-of-its-time, and that most agree was handled responsibly. Leno then proceeds to mine the comedic gold inherent in this mock-worthy topic, starting with his best, "Gee, your parents must have been thrilled" material before segueing into a tight bit in which he suggests "that camera is your gay lover...can you give me your gayest look?" Phillippe threatens to leave twice, more seriously the second time, after Leno goes on to bring up a David LaChapelle-directed Armani ad in which Ryan is—get this guys—naked! In a fashion ad! Directed by a swishy photographer-type! How fruity is that? Phillippe ends up staying, clinging all the while to a vision of Leno flying off of a cliff in one of his ZZ Top gangster cars. We truly wish he hadn't.

The Tonight Show [NBC]

Steve Martin Uses Patented Tongue-In-Cheek Technology To Rip Strike Scab Jay Leno A New One

Seth — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 10:02:50 PST

The decade's best Oscars host Steve Martin (we still cherish his Best Actor intro line, "gay poet, crazed artist, a shipwrecked victim, a roman gladiator....but enough about me...") stopped by the Late Show with David Letterman last night to catch up with his old friend. Touching upon the topic of the writers strike, Martin, like so many of his fellow scribes, suddenly found himself with an abundance of free time, which he chose to fill by "writing movie scripts and TV pilots...and then I would sell them to the studios."

Martin saves his more sardonic barbs for Letterman's scab-encrusted nemesis—after the jump!

Martin then goes on to admit he also pulled in some lucrative scab-dollars pitching jokes to Letterman's chief competitor. However imprudent the confession, it does go a long way towards explaining why striketime Tonight Show sketches suddenly became far more nuanced, pitting the Square Dancing Cheneys in a bitter love triangle with a beautiful Neiman Marcus sales associate with artistic aspirations.

Late Show with David Letterman [CBS]

Conan Buys In Brentwood, Dropping Subtle Hint To Leno To Get The Hell Out Already

lianeb — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:04:10 PST

No, Conan O'Brien isn't scheduled to take over the festering pustule of unfunniness that The Tonight Show has become under Jay Leno's whine of terror until 2009, but he's making it abundantly clear that there will be no lingering goodbyes for the Chin by buying a big ol' mess of real estate right in his backyard. Yes, this is how multimillionaire nerds thumb their noses at each other, with 8.5 bathrooms and 10-foot ceilings, so take that, Leno! But ginormous ceilings are only the half of it...

The Real Estate Stalker has conveniently posted pictures of the $10,750,000 "gated compound" so we can all sigh over the six bedrooms, 1,500-bottle wine room, spa and paneled library that could have been ours, ours, dammit, if only we'd gone to Harvard! There are also six fireplaces in the newly built home, where we can only guess the Red Bearded One will be burning Leno's old cue cards and laughing the righteous laugh of the victorious. And somewhere in a garage deep in the heart of Burbank, one man will sit, in the dark, plotting his revenge...

The Return Of Late Night, Now With Added Trump

Seth — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 11:46:02 PST

· The Return of Late Night (*Doc Severinson trumpet flourish*) brings a veritable who-cares of stars to their chilled couches. Leno has Jamie Lynn Spears'-pregnancy-endorsing candidate Mike Huckabee, and Letterman has Donald Trump, on hand to find out which of his Celebrity Apprentice candidates float. [THR]
· More on the Worldwide Pants/WGA deal: Writers got what the Guild is demanding for internet across the board: "3% based on the applicable minimum payment per 100,000 hits." [THR]
· Netscape Navigator, who for some of us was our first portal into the many splendors of the bold new fetish-catering technology of the World Wide Web, is to be buried beneath a heavy pillow in its sleep by corporate parent AOL. [THR]
· Chinese actor and director Sun Daolin died at age 86, his illustrious cinematic legacy in many ways paving the way for Chris Tucker shouting about the words coming out of his mouth at a nonplussed Jackie Chan. [Variety]
· Overseas audiences still can't get enough of I Am Legend, which foreign film snoots are calling the greatest exploration of the existentialist dilemma since 1948's La Terra trema. [Variety]

Wayne Newton Recalls The Pain Of Being The Richard Simmons Of The Carson Era

Seth — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 14:05:38 PST

Until we saw this clip from Larry King Live last night, we honestly had no clue how hard Johnny Carson made things for our secretly favorite Dancing with the Stars contestant, Wayne Newton, who couldn't pull on a single, sequined polyester outfit and launch into song in a Las Vegas floorshow without having the late night despot crack some crass joke questioning his sexuality. (And later, he claims, finagling him a spot on a Mafia's Most Wanted hit list.)

Watch as the consummate entertainer revisits the painful time in his career, clearly still scarred by the memory of The Tonight Show host ripping open the edge of a white envelope, blowing into it, and producing an index card that read "Name a cancer, a dancer, and a prancer," (the response to Great Carsoni divination, "Lung, Baryshnikov, and Wayne Newton") to the audible delight of the studio audience.