Steve Martin Uses Patented Tongue-In-Cheek Technology To Rip Strike Scab Jay Leno A New One

The decade's best Oscars host Steve Martin (we still cherish his Best Actor intro line, "gay poet, crazed artist, a shipwrecked victim, a roman gladiator....but enough about me...") stopped by the Late Show with David Letterman last night to catch up with his old friend. Touching upon the topic of the writers strike, Martin, like so many of his fellow scribes, suddenly found himself with an abundance of free time, which he chose to fill by "writing movie scripts and TV pilots...and then I would sell them to the studios."

Martin saves his more sardonic barbs for Letterman's scab-encrusted nemesis—after the jump!

NBC Uses Fear Of Jeff Zucker's Wrath To Scare 'SNL' Writers Away From Doing Letterman's Top Ten List

Did upward-failing NBC Universal Chief Executive Golden Boy Jeff Zucker, enraged at the galling disloyalty of striking SNL writers who planned to participate in the delivery of a Top Ten list on hated CBS talk-show rival David Letterman's WGA-sanctioned return to the airwaves last Wednesday night, threaten to dispatch a flock of ravenous, flesh-craving demon-peacocks to eat the defenseless babies of anyone who dared betray their corporate family by appearing on a competing network's late-night telecast? Sources tell Slate's Kim Masters that once Zucker got word of the impending treachery, Warnings Were Issued, and a hasty retreat beaten by some of those reminded where their bread was buttered:

Strike Turns Jay Leno And Jimmy Kimmel Into Unlikely Couchfellows

The Venn Diagram Guide To Talk-Show Beards

Easily the biggest news that came out of Wednesday's mass return to the airwaves by late-night's long-sidelined talk-show hosts was the unexpected appearance of David Letterman and Conan O'Brien's competing Strike Beards, a solidarity-signifying facial hair trend so hot that the clean-shaven visages of Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel now seem to indicate a conspicuous lack of support for the hosts' still-picketing writing staffs. (The embattled Carson Daly, we've been told, plans to smash his trusty Norelco electric shaver on his next show in an attempt to prove his commitment to the WGA cause, no matter how unflattering the resulting patchy growth may be.)

WGA-Approved Vs. Writerless Talks Shows: A Video Showdown

Though we've already awarded victory in last night's Return of Late Night TV talk-show wars to Conan O'Brien, whose downy Strike Beard simultaneously displayed solidarity with his absent writing staff and offered comfort to millions of fans anxious about how Hollywood's labor unrest affects the Masturbating Bear's ability to release the painful tension in his ursine nether-regions, we think it's important that everyone be provided with an opportunity to make up their own minds about whether the jokes scripted by Guild scribes were actually more successful than ones delivered by hosts forced to generate their own material. To that end, Gawker Media video operative Richard Blakeley whipped up this montage (click the above thumbnail to view) allowing you to compare their parallel efforts at entertaining America. Enjoy.

• The Return of Late Night Coverage [Defamer]

Conan's Unshaven Face Establishes The Strike Beard As Late Night's Leading Solidarity-Indicating Facial Hair Choice

Our obsessive (and, quite frankly, exhausting) documentation of The Return of Late Night is finally complete with this clip of Conan O'Brien's monologue (click the thumbnail above to watch it), one that was easily the most successful of tonight's offerings. Not only did O'Brien express his unequivocal solidarity with his absent writers' cause (not a picketing-related gripe here, ahem) and give them much-deserved credit for the comedy miracle that is the Masturbating Bear, he debuted a Strike Beard even more impressive than Letterman's; whereas Dave's new facial hair broadcasts grizzled, "I choked a drifter to death just to watch him die" menace, Conan's—the first of his life, he claims—is all Rankin-and-Bass-inspired auburn magic.

• WATCH VIDEO

Craig Ferguson Back, Still Willing To Shelter Late Night's Less Desirable Guests

Thanks to the deal that David Letterman's Worldwide Pants production company struck with WGA, The Late Late Show's Craig "He'll Always Be Drew Carey's Boss To Us" Ferguson also had the benefit of his full writing staff. Displaying a refreshing magnanimity, the host promised that even though his picket-line-free program could now easily get him access to a higher quality of guest than he could have attracted before the strike, he'll still welcome the D-listers who stood by him during his lean times. (Kathy Griffin is, of course, touchingly namechecked as a beneficiary of his offer.) Bonus points have been awarded to Ferguson's scribes for supplying him with the "I fucked Paul Shaffer" jokes we'd secretly hoped that the newly bearish Letterman would use to break the sexual tension of his long-awaited reunion with his trusty bandleader.

• WATCH VIDEO

Jimmy Kimmel Dispenses With WGA Kowtowing, Sick Of All The Talk Show Picketing

Jimmy Kimmel Live started out with a bawdy jibe about fathering a teenage Spears lovechild—a gem likely polished to perfection while lying in a bathtub and staring at two hairy kneecaps protruding from the milky water—but then things took a serious and controversial turn: After offering his audience a primer on what it is strikers are asking for (free internet access), Kimmel said that he didn't want to "depart too much from the party line," then proceeded to board a Party Line Getaways Jet Tours Adventure, railing against "ridiculous" picket lines and SAG's blacklist bullying of potential guests, before demanding that the public "run down these weasel-faced Commies" until their "red insides fill your tire treads." Then he turned to deadpan security guard Veatrice for her take on the labor unrest.

• WATCH VIDEO

Jay Leno Sees Letterman's WGA-Approved Monologue, Raises Him A Whiny Bit About Dave's Ability to Cut a Deal

Hoping to win back The Tonight Show audiences (who, let's face it, just want their nightly dose of Kevin Eubanks and could really give a fuck what the Writers League of America wants or needs), Jay Leno bounds over picket lines and back into our hearts with a heartfelt plea for the livelihoods of the 141 members of his staff not responsible for highlighting and dry mounting those funny little newspaper clippings sent in by viewers. Tragically, where his CBS nemesis succeeded in finding a workable solution with the Guild—which has had Leno's sympathy and donuts since the very start!—The Tonight Show could not, leaving the juiciest of cross-denominational bistro-patron set-ups punchlineless, for the time being at least.

• WATCH VIDEO

David Letterman's Back-To-Work Monologue: Hillary Cameos, Hiker Beards, And Picket-Line Dancers

Sporting an intimidating beard meant to show the effects of his difficult, two-month-long, tragically scribe-deprived hibernation, David Letterman symbolically crossed a twirling line formed by his Eugene V. Debs Picket Dancers and returned to work, bolstered by the full services of his newly contracted Guild writers. We haven't seen Jay Leno's opening yet, but we're going to assume he won't be doing a self-effacing version of the picket-line bit, wary that the saboteurs who've previously feasted on a vulnerable Carson Daly might have infiltrated his dance troupe, ready to paddle him with "Shame on You, Jay!" signs for going back to work without his striking staff.

• WATCH VIDEO

Letterman May Go Back To Work With Writers, While Returning Conan And Leno Go It Alone

It's looking like our long national nightmare of a rerun-plagued late-night network schedule is finally coming to an end, even as the WGA strike stretches on into the new year; over the weekend, the NY Times reported that David Letterman's Worldwide Pants, the independent producer of The Late Show and The Late Late Show, was trying to reach its own CBS-circumventing deal with the Guild to get back on the air with its writing staff; this morning, NBC has announced that both Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno are headed back to work on January 2nd without writers, a move that O'Brien explains was necessary to keep his bosses from pulling the trigger on the gun pointed at his staff's collective temple. Reports Variety:

"With the New Year upon us, I am left with a difficult decision," he said in a statement released by NBC Monday morning. "Either go back to work and keep my staff employed or stay dark and allow 80 people, many of whom have worked for me for fourteen years, to lose their jobs.