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Reality TV icon Audrina Patridge was surprised to see a couple of paps following her as she ran a few errands in Beverly Hills. At first, Patridge was slightly annoyed by their presence, but quickly grew to appreciate the company. At her second stop, Patridge asked if the photographers would want to go to Urth Caffe after she finished her errand. One of the photographers checked his phone and said that he got a hot tip about Miley Cyrus riding a giraffe somewhere in Toluca Lake and had to get down there ASAP. The other photog said that he also got the same tip and had to leave. Patridge thought that sounded really awesome and asked if she could tag along, but the paparazzi thought it might be kind of weird and it's bad enough that, in this green era that we live in, they're taking two cars to the scene instead of carpooling.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

”I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see...I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman...I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

As the war between actual working actress Olsen and reality trash-talker Pratt heats up, we dug up evidence that this battle has a much longer history than we thought. After the jump, the sordid high-school photo scandal that sparked the Olsen vs. Pratt battle years ago.

In the Us piece, Spencer throws a curveball into the mix by stating he and Mary-Kate didn't even attend the same high school, which is (not scientifically, by any means) actually evident on several "news" sites. But whether or not Olsen's quietly harsh comments about Pratt's soccer game hissy fits are slightly tarnished by this info, the two most certainly spent time socializing before Olsen hit her NYU hobo years and anyone on the planet knew who Pratt even was. After revisiting a Details profile on Spencer and his then-partner in crime Brody Jenner from last year, we noticed this plum detail: "the guy...will proudly tell you he made $50,000 in high school by selling a photo he took of Mary-Kate Olsen drinking at a party." One search through an Olsens fan site later turns up the picture in question, which looks less to us like evidence that MK is a "drunk" lush, and more like evidence that MK has always been the pruney-smiling party girl we've grown to know and love. Not to mention that Spencer, pictured upper left, has always been incredibly scary to look at. Team Olsen is where we remain.

[Photo credit: Olsen-Twins-News.com]

• SPENCER PRATT: ACTRESS MARY-KATE OLSEN IS THE LESS CUTE TWIN [Us]
• THE CREEP WHO MADE $50K BY SNAPPING MARY-KATE 'DRUNK' [Olsen-Twins-News]

Though we're sure Mary-Kate and Dave, evoking more chemistry as a comedy duo than Dave and Paul ever have, planned the awkward set-up in advance, Letterman's inquiry into Mary-Kate's famous high-school buddies not-so-surprisingly led to Olsen spilling the beans on Pratt's notorious "temper" while playing for her school's soccer team. According to MK, Pratt would get in violent fights with the coach and walk off the field in huffs regularly. Dave excitedly jumps in with a series of convoluted and delightful questions like, "How does someone his age get to be so oily?" and "Isn't he wormy?" Olsen, just on the verge of participating in the rant, impressively takes the high road by successfully pulling off a (funny!) non sequitur into promoting her film. Her old lady posture aside, Olsen has officially unveilied her A-game these last few weeks. If only she would come back to Weeds and save the Botwins from Mexico captivity by distracting the border guards with her hypnotizing laughing shoulder heaves, we might even throw a few buckets of red paint at PETA members in her honor.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

According to the not-yet-out piece, The Hills’ Audrina Patridge, nude photo aficionado and recent recipient of a brand new pair of boobs, is so focused on maintaining her widely-seen curves that she sports those 4-inch health-impairing stilettos every Sex And The City fan thinks will turn them into Carrie Bradshaw while cleaning house. And thin-as-a-rail Friday Night Lights star Minka Kelly uncomfortably yammers on about how she once weighed in at an apparently unacceptable 135 pounds and “literally stopped eating...I’d do Bikram yoga and go to bed. I lost 15 pounds in one month.” We hope the John Mayer tossaway can forgive us for not immediately rising to our feet and giving Minka a standing ovation.

Even picky sperm selector Denise Richards goes overboard in her interview, treating the TVG reporter like a shrink and leaning on her oft-used plea for pity by referencing her recently passed mother: “After my mom died last year, I gained at least 10 pounds. I know because TMZ was kind enough to publish pictures of me looking very, very soft in the stomach.” How refreshing to discover the secret to overcoming grief caused by the death of a family member: just obsessively google images of yourself in a bikini and concentrating on going down a jean size or two! As for the self-professed chunky toddler, A.C. Slater-turned-reality-trash-host Mario Lopez says he “never feels awake unless I’m sweating,” and tells the mag he exercises “for a minimum of one hour a day.” Which sounds about right, considering his current career responsibilities are limited to applying hair gel before “judging” street dance crews alongside J.C. Chasez!

[Photo credits: Getty]

• TV GUIDE [TVG]

Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff: As silly, catty and pointless as the battle for waste of space Aaron Carter was back in 2003, freckle-faced Lindsay Lohan and healthy Hilary Duff spent years exchanging passive-aggressive jabs aimed at each other via bad songs, magazine interviews, and of course, endless false claims that things were Totally Cool! between the two. The feud was memorably spoofed in this 2004 SNL clip in which Lindsay assures the world there's no truth to her feuds with Duff (as portrayed by Rachel Dratch).

Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag: After spending a few shameful years with our eyes glued to the insanely gorgeous cast of MTV's Laguna Beach, the series ended its wildly successful run with a focus on the brewing animosity between good girl LC and bad girl with bigger boobs Kristin Cavallari. Over an irritatingly boring boy, of course. But Lauren Conrad's girl trouble didn't stop there. Along with the rumored cat pee-based tension between Lauren and silicone-enhanced roommate Audrina Patridge on The Hills, the entire point of the show has always circled around her hatred of hip hop star/runaway bride of Frankenstein, Heidi Montag. High-pitched screaming fights both seen on-camera and gossiped about endlessly off-camera, have been reported for what feels like centuries. And yet, and yet...how to look away?

Shannen Doherty v. Entire Beverly Hills: 90210 Cast: Doherty landed the career-changing part of Brenda Walsh in 1990 at the age of 19, and almost as soon as the epic series wrapped its first few episodes, rumors were rampant that her on-screen catty demeanor was not a result of magnificent acting. After just four years, Brenda’s character was shipped off to Paris and replaced by the sexier Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Why? Long story short, Doherty made a series of bizarre decisions off-camera: trashing hotel rooms, adding two quickie marriages followed by two quickie divorces to her personal resume, giving paparazzi the bird, and most memorably, appearing in uncomfortably unsexy nudie spreads in Playboy.

• DISNEY STAR SELENA GOMEZ: I'M NOT FEUDING WITH MILEY [People]

Dave scores his first points by feigning interest in an updated report on whatever current catfights have been set up by MTV producers between the interchangeable Hills blondes, then swiftly admitting he "has no idea" what he's talking about. But the slam dunks occur after successfully recruiting the audience to his side of the increasingly tense verbal battle, and launching into an initially innocent inquiry about rumors Pratt charges fees just to show up at nightclubs.

Pratt's decision to surpass Linda Evangelista in braggart pretension by saying (twice! and with the support of camera-ready partner in crime Heidi Montag in the green room!) he won't get out of bed for less than $100k with a straight face spurs genuine belly laughs and the classic Letterman customized-to-each-guest rebuttal: "Stop it, just stop. For a second there, I thought you actually said $100,000." But he doesn't stop there, asking Heidi if this "nonsense" is true, and pondering out loud about what kind of tricks Pratt performs to garner this fee ("bring a pony and have kids take their picture with it?"). By the time he passive-aggressively tells Spencer to get his scrawny ass and enormous head to get the fuck off his couch, Dave officially reclaims his late-night crown and reaffirms our confidence in the recently dusty goofball's improvised wizardry.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

“Which starlet with an often-troubled boyfriend actually plays for the other team — and puts up with her boy toy's habits to maintain hetero appearances?”

While many Young Hollywood players are currently afflicted with that equally trendy need to date cads, only a few from the club cross our mind as potential lady lovers. Our guesses after the jump.

Anne Hathaway:
As much as we adore Anne, we've been notably confused lately as to why the scandal-free actress has spent so many years standing by her man, real estate investor/lawsuit-magnet Raffaello Follieri, even after his money-grubbing headlines repeatedly coincide with her movie release dates.

Heidi Montag:
Is Heidi really a starlet? Debatable, but what isn't? The fact that no one is more concerned with keeping up "appearances" than the Hills deviant and her "habits"-plagued boyfriend Spencer Pratt. Plus, that whole Grieving Over Lauren's Friendship story line that's continued through two seasons only makes sense when you add lesbian undertones to it.

Jennifer Aniston:
Aniston's never made her pro-lesbian outlook a secret, and we've been wondering why the well-toned wonder would be swimming in the cad pool ever since first catching sight of her fembot nipples inches away from John Mayer's O Face. Though "starlet" hardly does the A-lister justice.

Your turn to add up the elements and guess away!

• FULL DISCLOSURE [NYDN]

• On Location: Drinks With The Hills at Jian [Eater LA]

”Contestants will be whittled down via ‘Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies’ after which [the] rejected will be asked to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet in a swimsuit, luggage in hand...contestants also will have shots at a ‘group date’ and ‘alone time’ with Jenner in every episode.”

Oh, did we mention the fact that these “contestants” are known as “bros”? Yes, this is a dating show for dudebros who probably don't understand what the word "repression" means. More gruesome details after the jump.

As THR reports, six episodes of the "buzzed about" show starring reality regular Jenner has finally been picked up by MTV as Ryan Seacrest continues his master plan to destroy television by replacing Larry King the instant his suspenders fall by the wayside and by pumping out homoerotic shows week after week. In the case of Bromance, a group of "regular guys" will arrive in Hollywood and compete to become part of Jenner's incredibly elite and elusive "entourage," meaning they will be allowed into Hyde roughly 50% of the time and get to sit in dirty velvet booths alongside the likes of Audrina Patridge. One can only dream. In addition to the aforementioned wet speedo rejection structure, the challenges will range from skydiving to "dealing with the paparazzi." Which will admittedly be difficult, considering the winner will be expected to "deal" with paps by begging them to "please, just please consider taking just one shot of Brody, bro, please? Will a fiver do the trick?"

• 'HILLS' CO-STAR LANDS MTV SERIES [THR]

But no. Instead, the cable geniuses have reportedly chosen the world’s slowest speaking zombie, Whitney Port, to launch her pretty little head into “bicoastal living.” The fascinating premise, plus what the other cast members have to say, after the jump.

In an effort to make bowling "cool" again, clever marketers at Strike's Bowling Alley invited the Hills cast and those lovable nuts from The Real Housewives Of Orange County to walk the red carpet at their new opening last night. And when queen bee Lauren Conrad was asked how she thought Whitney would fare, she gave her rehearsed answer of "Sure thing! Love Whitney! Yay blondes!" But when the maybe-star in question was prodded, Port said "The whole thing just sounds a little scary because I like to keep things private." Yes, Whitney — which is why you have appeared on three seasons of a major cable network's reality show, befriended every socialite from New York to LA, and are, ahem, appearing on a red carpet as you say these words. We take it back: Dumb blondes of this variety never fail to entertain.

• LAUREN CONRAD: WHITNEY PORT WILL DO WELL WITH 'HILLS' SPIN-OFF [Us]

We thought we knew just how low The Hills' reigning king and queen of mean Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag would go just to garner the slightest bit of attention from the press. Given their history of stunt proposals, staged “paparazzi” shoots, and plastic surgery adventures, the evil duo has proven their weight in gold-digging PR wizardry. But their latest alleged stunt planned for the “reality show”’s upcoming season is creepy enough to inspire the next Law & Order: SVU plotline: "Rumor has it that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have decided to fake a pregnancy for the 4th season." Sadder still? It sounds like they’ve convinced MTV producers — and the wardrobe department — to play along with the lie as old as time...

As the gossip blog I'm Not Obsessed hears, Spencer and Heidi's devised plan will go unacknowledged by MTV, and they've already decided to fall back on the old "No Comment" routine should they be asked about the story. But how will it begin? "Heidi is going to wear loose clothing and possibly some padding to give the illusion that she is several months along." Padding? As in, a prosthetic bump? Last we heard those Oscar-baiting props don't come cheap. Then again, it costs a lot of money to look as cheap as Heidi and Spencer already do, to borrow Stern-suing Dolly Parton's so-true mantra.

• HEIDI MONTAG TO FAKE A PREGNANCY FOR 4TH SEASON OF 'THE HILLS' [I'm Not Obsessed]

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Brittany Robertson began her first day as the body greaser on The Reef serving as the prime greaser for The Hills star Audrina Patridge. Robertson's primary duties are to apply sunblock on Patridge for master and medium shots and, for close-ups and two-shots, to apply baby oil. Robertson explained that the baby oil helps define the abs and draws attention to other places in case the acting isn't up to snuff. When asked if she enjoyed her job, Robertson said, "I kind of enjoy being the envy of all the men on the set, but I don't see what the fuss is all about though. I'm just putting sunscreen on a girl like you would your friend at the beach if he or she can't reach their back." Robertson hopes that she'll be able to work with Gisele Bundchen, citing her as the Michael Jordan of the body greasing industry.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

1) Cheese Is Yum, But May Put Junk In Your Trunk!: As sidekick Lo notes, eating a whole bunch of cheese at once feels good. It tastes good, tends to be difficult to stop eating, and makes you smile. But! After making the decision to eat an entire chunk in one sitting, we learn that the act “is not gonna be good for my behind.” Duly noted.

2. How To Get Ahead By Getting Wasted!: As we know by now, Heidi Montag will do just about everything in her power to maintain her position as the youngest PR whiz in history (also known as the token office blonde, a la Cerie Xerox on 30 Rock), but Heidi's youth gifts her with the ability to drink on the job. And Methanie's response, naturally? "Working with drinks, that sounds real legit!"

3. How To Silence Those Pesky Voices In Your Head!: As the Pratt spawns ride along this road called life (aka the 101), the unblinking Spencer suddenly begins "Shush!"ing no one in particular. After Methanie reminds him that "you don't have to shush me when I'm not talking," he continues to do just that. Which leads us to the single most satisfying epiphany we've come to all season: Spencer is not just a slimy slut, but a slimy schizo!

• THE HILLS [MTV]

She was crying her eyes out the other night, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight”...Lindsay kept wiping her tears.

And who of all people was there to comfort the mink-stealing minx? The very same Hills star seen downing shots of tequila with Lohan just last week...

According to the NY Post, Lindsay was playing the role of groupie to her domestic partner Samantha Ronson during a gig at Crown Bar, but for unknown reasons, things went south and Lindsay left the bar in tears. Misty whiskey-colored memories of the days before rehab, indeed. But in a strange twist, The Hills very wise queen bee Lauren Conrad was there to soothe the sobs. One can only hope that MTV's camera crews were following LC around that night and captured the action. And, after some of her recent issues, Lindsay sure could use the paycheck.

• FEELING LO [NY Post]
• SURVEILLANCE [NYDN]

• WATCH VIDEO

2. Puppies Are Cutest When Their Eyes Match Yours! After frenemies Audrina and Lauren adopt a brand new trendy Boggle (that's half boxer, half beagle to those of you out there who aren't cool enough to like, know already) to never take care of, Lauren notes how awesome it is when your puppy's eyes are the same color as yours! You know what else is awesome? The fact that this Boggle marks the third appearance of a puppy lovingly adored in the show's history, the first two having made their lovey dovey debuts briefly during the first season, never to be heard from or seen again. Are these poor things actor pets? Like Eddie on Frasier?

3. Guaranteed Way To Make Girls Leave A Room! Simple! First, repeat "La, la, la, la, la, la" in a flat monotone while simultaneously rolling your eyes. Second step? Be. Spencer. Pratt. In fact, scratch that. All one needs to do is Be. Spencer. Pratt.

• THE HILLS [MTV]

In total fairness, we think it's now time to hear the men's side of the story, at which point we think we'll have all the evidence required to adequately draw our conclusions: That means not only an appearance by Montag's oily albino fiancé Spencer Pratt, but also Conrad's beer-bloated, recidivist ex-boyfriend, Jason Wahler. (From his MySpace profile: "Jason Wahler®'s Interests: girls, baseball, basketball, hockey, surfing, skim boardin, music, chillin, watching tv, partys. Like i said typical guy.")

• Late Show [cbs.com]

• WATCH VIDEO

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Former reality TV star Kristin Cavallari's publicist reached a near breaking point at the Scarlet series launch party Monday night in Hollywood. The publicist began to wonder what it is she's getting paid to do: advise and help increase her client's media exposure or hold her purse while she flirts some guy from the CW while ignoring the important media outlets like The Insider and Inside Edition. It was then that the publicist wished that she had been offered a course in college about how to mask one's contempt for their future clients. That would've been much more useful than the nine credits she wasted taking science classes.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

• WATCH VIDEO

• WATCH VIDEO

As the NY Post reports today, Audrina has taken to locking her bedroom door whenever she leaves the apartment she shares with Lauren because the show's leading lady isn't to be trusted. Worse yet, sources say Lauren's cats are far from house-trained, and Audrina "gets really annoyed at Lauren's cats because they pee on her rug and on her bed." Which really helps explain Audrina's oddly effervescent tan, no? But the real whopper comes in the form of a NY Daily News blind item today: "Which show keeps its dim-witted if ultra-popular 'reality' stars peppy with Adderall supplied by a producer in handfuls between scenes?" Though we suspect good girl Whitney has been steering clear of anything "peppy," daily doses of Adderall go a long way to explain Spencer's uber-scary ability to go entire scenes without blinking.

• ROOMIE ROW [NY Post]
• NEW YORK MINUTE [Gatecrasher]

Well, thankfully that last question can be laid to rest. The Hills "celeb" has planted her flag in Camp McCain. As she explains in the latest issue of Us Weekly, "I'm a Republican and McCain has a lot of experience."

On the heels of that ringing endorsement, McCain told Time.com's Swampland blog, (and we swear we're not making this up) "I'm honored to have Heidi's support and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started."

And to top it all off, on today's edition of MSNBC's Morning Joe, McCain called Montag "a very talented actress."

Actress,eh? McCain is so old and out of touch, he doesn't even know The Hills is a reality show. Get with the times, Grandpa!

• EXCLUSIVE: Heidi Montag: I'm Voting For John McCain [UsMagazine.com]

Something so outlandish seemed almost certainly the handiwork of Kutcher's merry band of paparazzi punksters at E!'s Pop Fiction, who have ably proven the pranking damage they can reap with their already classic "Eva Longoria receives a ring from non-boyfriend Mario Lopez" episode. (Boy were our faces red!) Still, we think it would be foolish to underestimate Ashton's wily abilities, to say nothing of overestimating Patridge's celebrity status. No, bloggers: We're sorry to disappoint, but that tattoo is 100% real—and highly, highly infectious. All will be revealed on next week's Style Network premiere of Nick Carter's Punk Fiction, a sort of meta-Pop Fiction, in which Z-list famepires will subject themselves to extreme body modifications and life-threatening scenarios in the hopes that someone—anyone—will notice them. And if you think that's good, wait until episode two, when The Bachelor's Shayne Lamas saws off her own leg!

• Audrina Fries Her Rice in Pork Fat [OK!]

• WATCH VIDEO

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Megan Fox, seen here wearing the standard young actress uniform (giant sunglasses, designer sweat pants, Uggs, hand bag that's bigger than an infant), demanded that she be whisked through the security screening process at LAX. The TSA employees shrugged their shoulders and allowed Fox through the line. During the screening process, a TSA employee told Fox that LC and her should treat Heidi better, while another chipped in to explain why she hopes that she doesn't get back with Justin Bobby on the new season of The Hills.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

As Audrina explains on her MySpace page, "I was naive, overly trusting of people and inexperienced. I thought that to be a model you had to be comfortable in front of the camera. I'm not ashamed of these photos, but I don't want my young fans to think they have to do what I did." Hold on...Audrina was a model? Five years ago? Girl is 22, meaning these pics were taken when she was a very Amanda Dupre-esque 17 years old. If the photos were indeed intended for Playboy doesn't that mean Hef should have a whopper of a lawsuit on his hands? More importantly, when we first met the Chicklet-toothed Audrina on Season One of The Hills, she was working a desk job at some record company, and last time we tuned in, still was. Could it really be possible that (gasp!) all the fill-in "friends" on Lauren Conrad's heavily staged show are (no! way!) just wannabe actors? We haven't been this shocked and saddened by news from the Hollywood underworld since hearing those glamour shots of Heidi and Spencer were set-ups.

• AUDRINA BLOGS ABOUT HER TOPLESS PHOTO SHOOT [People]
• AUDRINA PATRIDGE MYSPACE PAGE [MySpace]

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Reality TV and TMZ punch bag Heidi Montag has come to the conclusion that America isn't exactly laughing with her and Spencer, but rather, at them. To combat her feelings of sadness, Montag plans on eating this big brown bag of ribs, watching Mean Girls (she can so relate), reading The Secret one more time (because she didn't quite get it the first time) and, finally, having more "revenge" plastic surgery.

[Photo Credit: INF]

Still, you can't expect him to do the necessary homework, as became painfully obvious grilling The Hills star L.C. Conrad last night about her career accomplishments. Armed with only a 5x7 cue card bearing topical keywords ("Laguna," "Spencer," "Teen Vogue," "Frenemies," etc.), Letterman fumbled through the dialogue like an ornery convention attendee desperately trying to find common ground with the three-diamond escort/aspiring stylist whose services he'd secured for the night.

• Late Show

But before that, she found her nourishment wherever she could, even if it meant posing nude at the tender age of 19 in the hopes of scoring a Playboy pictorial. The spread never materialized, but the test shots live on. For a closer look at the photos, including the naughty Catholic-schoolgirl-uniform series (the skirt isn't nearly as hot when it gets soaked in a pool and hangs there like a sad Irish Setter), we usher you over to WWTDD.com.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• AUDRINA PATRIDGE IS FUN - WWTDD EXCLUSIVE! [WWTDD]
• The Hills - Audrina [MTV]

As reality TV star Lauren Conrad brilliantly illustrates, the best part of fame and celebrity might just be knowing that you're allowed to dress like Mrs. Roper from Three's Company and still considered to be "fashion forward."

[Photo Credit: Bauer Griffin]

· Bad news for TV journalists in search of free booze and awkward cocktail-party conversations with the stars of series they've previously trashed: The Television Critics Association winter press tour is officially canceled due to the writers strike. Is there no end to Hollywood's suffering? [Variety]
· During last night's live finale of The Hills, LC made the happy announcement that some non-Guild writers will be finding work scripting eight bonus episodes MTV will tack onto the end of the hit series' third season. [THR]
· The post-negotiation-walkout shit-flinging between the Guild and the studios has begun in earnest. "They lie. And then they lie again. And then they lie some more," says the president of the WGA East in decrying the AMPTP's fear-mongering, divide-and-conquer tactics. [Variety]