Defamer: The Grove

How The 'NY Times' Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Grove

Seth — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 17:10:00 PDT

Hot on the heels of their gripping exposé of what it's like inside an American Idol taping (apparently that studio is much smaller in person, and there's a man wandering the aisles prompting the audience to applaud!) the NY Times continues their series Things On the West Coast That Don't Begin To Exist Until We Acknowledge Them Years After the Fact with a look at The Grove. What to make of the dancing-waterist, most trolleytastic consumption experience west of the Rockies? Best to submit yourself willingly to this seductive simulacrum of Main Street, U.S.A., filled with all the ma n' pa Apple Stores and charming cellphone accessory carts of your youth:

The Grove is everything that is horrible and spectacular about our brand-saturated American lives.

It's a living version of every pretentious theory you may have read back in grad school: a facsimile of a space, a scripted zone, a generic city, a vituperative quote by Baudrillard or Deleuze. But it's also totally great! [...]
[A]s long as we continue barreling along our path of unmitigated consumerism, the future will not look smooth, white and sleek. It will look like the Grove: a Frankensteinian hodgepodge of branded facades that we walk into and out of, forgetfully.

"A Frankensteinian hodgepodge of branded facades?" Leave it to those neurotic, East Coast intellectual types to overanalyze a good thing. As anyone who maneuvers the streets of L.A. with any regularity can tell you, the Grove owes its success to its one seemingly obvious, but maddeningly elusive feature: The easy-to-master parking structure. One night spent in an unfamiliar corner of Hollywood + Highland's Level 5, huddled by an exhaust vent for warmth with only a few stray popcorn kernels from your coat pockets for sustenance, is enough to make you reconsider ever revisiting a state-of-the-art shopping facility again.

Only Your Money Is Not Pretend [NY Times]

The Grove Prepares For Hollywood's Most Festive, Prefabricated Christmas Celebration

ryanm — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 13:23:23 PST

This weekend prior a team of seasoned workers ascended a wooden ladder into the stuffy, cramped Attic at The Grove™, deftly maneuvered around a few dozen leftover boxes from Forever XXI (How did those get up here?), navigated the gloom to a particularly dusty, cobweb-laden corner and eventually returned - multiple times - with some hundred-dozen of boxes of Christmas decorations in their arms. Yon decorations are an essential part of what has become the single greatest commercialized Baby Jesus experience afforded Los Angeles shoppers in the last decade, if not century: CHRISTMAS AT THE GROVE! After the jump, read General Manager Jackie Levy's friendly missive on the preparation of the Vegas-sized spectacle, then sing along to a photo gallery of the stunning Yuletide transformation that will eventually result in the mall fountain's dancing waters being replaced by streams of liquid gold, frankincense, and myrrh ejaculated skyward in perfect time to "O Little Town Of Bethlehem":

Dear Grove Neighbor:
The holidays are our favorite time of year at The Grove, a time for sharing, counting our blessings and enjoying special time with family and friends. Our plans for the holidays begin months in advance to create a beautiful yet fanciful environment to delight our guests of all ages.

As our Grove neighbor, we would like to take a moment to personally inform you and your family that our Grove Holiday Tree Lighting Ceremony will be taking place on Sunday, November 18, 2007. We invite you to join us in the celebration, which is complimentary and open to the public. The festivities are planned to take place between 7:00pm and 9:30pm, and will include fireworks, music and dance performances by a variety of entertainers. It is our utmost desire to provide a safe, festive, and entertaining environment for all guests who will be attending the ceremony. It is of equal importance to us that our neighbors are informed of the event details so planning for the night may take place.

Festive invites notwithstanding, the neighbors are surely grateful for the "Avoid this neighborhood at all costs November 18; don't say we didn't warn you" closing line. The gallery below offers a glimpse at the amount of (boxed) ornaments required to decorate The Grove's massive Christmas tree; here's hoping the whole thing doesn't go up in an Al Qaedal blaze of glory this holiday season [LAT].

Special Bonus Photo: Hollywood and Highland's reaction to the "set it up now and be prepared" school of thought.

Breaking: Mysterious, Flashing Boxes Not Bombs, Just Poorly Conceived Marketing Campaign

Mark — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 14:33:27 PST

As alluded to in the typically restrained Drudge Report headline above, the freakout level in Boston has been officially reduced from "Holy shit, someone is leaving crazy-looking bombs all over the city!" to, "Hey, no terrorist would ever use Aqua Teen Hunger Force characters to sow the seeds of mass panic! This is just an incredibly ill-advised marketing campaign, everything's OK!" as Turner Broadcasting has claimed responsibility for the harmless flashing electronic boxes it scattered around the city to promote its Cartoon Network show through the widespread soiling of the undergarments of demographically desirable population segments. In its "sorry for the unintended terror scare" statement, Turner indicated that the devices have "have been in place for two to three weeks" in a variety of other cities, including Los Angeles, so our own wave of marketing-induced hysteria should roll along just as soon a shopper decides to report one of suspicious blinking boxes planted in The Grove's parking structure to security, rather than just shrug their shoulders in resignation and agree that it's time someone finally took out that place.

Short Ends: Hell, Stabbed Snowmen, And More Miss Nevada

Mark — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 17:19:45 PST

· While idling in your car for what seemed like days in a futile attempt to escape from The Grove's parking structure, you've often suspected you were actually trapped in a multi-tiered, Alighierian Inferno. Losanjealous offers photographic proof of your fear.
· "Dick in a Box": the t-shirt is now available on the internets. A quibble: Where's the bow and gift wrapping? It almost looks like you're being directed to put your junk in that birdhouse.
You know who really hates Frosty the Fucking Snowman? This guy.
Cityrag directs you to the 50 Greatest Cartoons of All Time.
· The Miss Nevada USA pics, uncensored—except for the Splash News watermark all over them. [Very NSFW]
· The ThighMaster presents The Girls Of The Wonder Years.

Guest Editor How-Do-Ya-Do: A Tale of Two Seths

Seth — Mon, 26 Sep 2005 08:29:25 PDT

Why, hello again! It's me! Your doll-faced, doe-eyed, lamb-natured guest editor Seth here! Did you miss me? No? You want Mark back? Tough! You'll get Mark back ~~when I'm good and ready to untie him from the sling in my sex dungeon/giftwrapping room~~ when he returns from his trip. I hope you had a fun weekend! Mine was great! I went to a packed Grove on Saturday. You can't throw a rock there without hitting someone famous! For example, standing directly behind me in the movie theater ticket line? The O.C.'s Adam Brody! I found it to be cosmically significant. I mean, he plays Seth, my name's Seth; he listens to Death Cab for Cutie, I've heard of Death Cab for Cutie; he loves Summer, I love summer. It goes on and on. I didn't bother him though. He already seemed a little annoyed at me for the whole rock-throwing incident. Okay, enough chit-chat. Big news day. Let's go!