consumerism

How The 'NY Times' Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Grove

Hot on the heels of their gripping exposé of what it's like inside an American Idol taping (apparently that studio is much smaller in person, and there's a man wandering the aisles prompting the audience to applaud!) the NY Times continues their series Things On the West Coast That Don't Begin To Exist Until We Acknowledge Them Years After the Fact with a look at The Grove. What to make of the dancing-waterist, most trolleytastic consumption experience west of the Rockies? Best to submit yourself willingly to this seductive simulacrum of Main Street, U.S.A., filled with all the ma n' pa Apple Stores and charming cellphone accessory carts of your youth:

The Grove is everything that is horrible and spectacular about our brand-saturated American lives.

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warning the neighbors

The Grove Prepares For Hollywood's Most Festive, Prefabricated Christmas Celebration

This weekend prior a team of seasoned workers ascended a wooden ladder into the stuffy, cramped Attic at The Grove™, deftly maneuvered around a few dozen leftover boxes from Forever XXI (How did those get up here?), navigated the gloom to a particularly dusty, cobweb-laden corner and eventually returned - multiple times - with some hundred-dozen of boxes of Christmas decorations in their arms. Yon decorations are an essential part of what has become the single greatest commercialized Baby Jesus experience afforded Los Angeles shoppers in the last decade, if not century: CHRISTMAS AT THE GROVE! After the jump, read General Manager Jackie Levy's friendly missive on the preparation of the Vegas-sized spectacle, then sing along to a photo gallery of the stunning Yuletide transformation that will eventually result in the mall fountain's dancing waters being replaced by streams of liquid gold, frankincense, and myrrh ejaculated skyward in perfect time to "O Little Town Of Bethlehem":

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adult swim

Breaking: Mysterious, Flashing Boxes Not Bombs, Just Poorly Conceived Marketing Campaign

As alluded to in the typically restrained Drudge Report headline above, the freakout level in Boston has been officially reduced from "Holy shit, someone is leaving crazy-looking bombs all over the city!" to, "Hey, no terrorist would ever use Aqua Teen Hunger Force characters to sow the seeds of mass panic! This is just an incredibly ill-advised marketing campaign, everything's OK!" as Turner Broadcasting has claimed responsibility for the harmless flashing electronic boxes it scattered around the city to promote its Cartoon Network show through the widespread soiling of the undergarments of demographically desirable population segments. In its "sorry for the unintended terror scare" statement, Turner indicated that the devices have "have been in place for two to three weeks" in a variety of other cities, including Los Angeles, so our own wave of marketing-induced hysteria should roll along just as soon a shopper decides to report one of suspicious blinking boxes planted in The Grove's parking structure to security, rather than just shrug their shoulders in resignation and agree that it's time someone finally took out that place. More »

short ends

Short Ends: Hell, Stabbed Snowmen, And More Miss Nevada

· While idling in your car for what seemed like days in a futile attempt to escape from The Grove's parking structure, you've often suspected you were actually trapped in a multi-tiered, Alighierian Inferno. Losanjealous offers photographic proof of your fear.
· "Dick in a Box": the t-shirt is now available on the internets. A quibble: Where's the bow and gift wrapping? It almost looks like you're being directed to put your junk in that birdhouse.
You know who really hates Frosty the Fucking Snowman? This guy.
Cityrag directs you to the 50 Greatest Cartoons of All Time.
· The Miss Nevada USA pics, uncensored—except for the Splash News watermark all over them. [Very NSFW]
· The ThighMaster presents The Girls Of The Wonder Years.

the oc

Guest Editor How-Do-Ya-Do: A Tale of Two Seths

Why, hello again! It's me! Your doll-faced, doe-eyed, lamb-natured guest editor Seth here! Did you miss me? No? You want Mark back? Tough! You'll get Mark back when I'm good and ready to untie him from the sling in my sex dungeon/giftwrapping room when he returns from his trip. I hope you had a fun weekend! Mine was great! I went to a packed Grove on Saturday. You can't throw a rock there without hitting someone famous! For example, standing directly behind me in the movie theater ticket line? The O.C.'s Adam Brody! I found it to be cosmically significant. I mean, he plays Seth, my name's Seth; he listens to Death Cab for Cutie, I've heard of Death Cab for Cutie; he loves Summer, I love summer. It goes on and on. I didn't bother him though. He already seemed a little annoyed at me for the whole rock-throwing incident. Okay, enough chit-chat. Big news day. Let's go!