Guillermo del Toro to Pump Out Stale Remakes For Universal Until 2017

Natalie Portman Turns Scream Queen: An 'End of Ideas' Roundup

Another day, another windfall of remakes, updates and adaptations requiring attention on our End of Ideas scorecard. It could be worse, we suppose, than Natalie Portman allegedly signing on for a graphic horror re-do, or yet another movie-to-TV serialization that could possibly make Dennis Hopper's own new show a folly in comparison. Even staffers at the LA Times are getting in on the recycling act today. It's never been hotter!

But we're not here to cast aspersions, we're just here to handicap. As such, read on for your irregularly occurring guide to the latest in retreads — and their varying chances for winning us over.

The Death of 'Austin Powers' (And Six More Hobbled Franchises Worth Putting Down)

After the unfortunate reception for The Love Guru, it's just too easy to write off New Line's prospective Austin Powers revival (which Mike Myers is reportedly working on for New Line with former series collaborator Mike McCullers) as yet another ill-advised folly belching the black smoke of Myers's career. In fact, taken as merely a part of the larger phenomenon we at Defamer like to call The End of Ideas, the Powers franchise is but a speck of the shit on Hollywood's collective bathroom wall — a tableau diligently studied today by the haz-mat crew at Entertainment Weekly.

We're pretty sure the inclusion of Powers in their list of 14 franchises to kill was a serendipitous fluke (it's actually pegged to The Mummy 3 and includes Indiana Jones and Friday the 13th as well), but Wednesday's revival news nevertheless reinforced the urgency of euthanizing bad ideas before they can strike again. And why stop at 14? As long as we have the ax out, we might as well finish the job with another half-dozen after the jump.

George Lucas Promises 'Indiana Jones 5' With More Unified, Progressive Spirit of Audience- Loathing

Look, just because we want to see the guy locked up for crimes against our (and most others') childhoods doesn't mean we despise George Lucas. We're getting there, of course, but there's no denying that beneath that wavy tuft of white hair and sprawling wattle is a thoughtful, brilliant, self-made billionaire whose accomplishments as a single father aren't far behind those of the Star Wars franchise he clearly so yearns to destroy.

Which is why a revealing London Times profile of Lucas has us so torn today. Yes, we can accept Lucas's preoccupation with raising a female cagefighter by himself as a likely contributor to Howard the Duck's downfall. Fine. But, no — no, no, no — we cannot believe he actually thinks Indiana Jones 5 is an idea worth squabbling over with anyone, let alone Steven Spielberg:

Will John Waters and 'Hairspray 2' Break Musicals' Sequel Curse?

In the tradition of classic musical sequels like Goodbye, Dolly and Seven Divorces for Seven Brothers, the creative team behind Hairspray is set to return for a follow-up slated for 2010. New Line has reportedly brought aboard John Waters — whose original 1988 hit was adapted to a Broadway tuner that grossed $200 million when re-adapted for the screen last year — to scribble a new treatment "[picking] up the Baltimore saga of the Turnblad family after the resolution of the first film, which was set in 1962."

Director-choreographer Adam Shankman and songwriters Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman are slated to return. The original cast is a question mark, however, as Nikki Blonsky, Queen Latifah, Christopher Walken, Michelle Pfeiffer and a frocked, fat-suited John Travolta (among others) didn't have sequel options. But while hardly incidental, such details seem secondary to a far more important question: When has a film musical's sequel ever been a hit?

Miley Cyrus ('Slut!') And Seven Other Casting Ideas For MTV's 'Rocky Horror' Remake

As we briefly touched upon a post or so ago, MTV has announced they'll be producing a remake of midnight movie classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which struck us as a slightly less onerous addition to our ever-growing End of Ideas library. (Perhaps it was the delightful image of a whole new generation of Rocky disciples chanting, "Lips! Lips! Lips!" in anticipation of Audrina Patridge's ladyparts' soulful rendition of "Science Fiction, Double Feature" that did it.) Variety has the details:

Lou Adler, exec producer of the original film, is partnering with BermanBraun and Fox Television Studios on the new rendition. Two-hour remake will use the original screenplay by Jim Sharman and Richard O'Brien but may also include music not featured in the original.
"I'd like to see it shown a year from this coming Halloween, but that's up to MTV," Adler said.

Our casting ideas after the jump!

Always on the lookout for the next bushy-stashed, swarthily complected foreigner to add to his comedic repertoire, Sacha Baron Cohen has attached himself to a comedy pitch snapped up by Fox Atomic. From Bruno co-writer Peter Baynham, the movie is based on those ubiquitous billboards and DASH ads you've likely idled behind in traffic countless times before. Yes, Accidentes, the adventures of "el mejor abogado," is coming to a cinema near you:

[Cohen will play a] lawyer of Latin descent who transforms from contingency attorney to hero of the working class when he helps an immigrant win a judgment against his wealthy employer after a landscaping mishap.

'10,' 'Valley Girl' Lead Charge as Terrifying Remake Fever Grips Hollywood

Because the week wasn't ruined enough with RoboCop news and word of Gene Simmons judging ad jingles, the End of Ideas caravan rolls on today with not one, not two but three whole fucking remake concepts for us to dread — none more irritating than Hyde Park's reimagining of Blake Edwards's classic 10. It's not that the Dudley Moore/Bo Derek comedy is untouchable, but at least Edwards doesn't have hold it down while the new producers rape it:

After a long campaign to get Edwards to entrust them, the producers have already met with agencies to package the romantic comedy. They hope to engage in a global search for a newcomer to play the new "10."

Darren Aronofsky Front-Runner to Direct 'RoboCop' Sequel/Remake Nobody Wants

Call us skeptics, cynics, whatever, but we're far more interested in the rumors circling MGM's RoboCop reboot than anything in the film itself. A few weeks ago we checked out whispers that director Darren Aronofsky was at the top of the short list to helm the film, which has a 2010 release date; his reps denied it ("But Darren's flattered!" we were assured), but alas, the chatter persists, with yet another report circulating this week that the studio is close to signing Aronofsky for the project — which, as if it's any consolation, is reportedly a sequel, not an updating.

But at least we have some more local laying-waste to look forward to, as opposed to, you know, Detroit:

Culture-Wrecking Duo Gene Simmons and Mark Burnett Team Up Again For 'Jingles'

Simmons will be joined by an "advisory panel"€ that include Madison Avenue gurus Linda Kaplan Thaler and Julie Roehm. But Simmons will be the final authority on the show who decides which contestants are eliminated each week.

Robert Downey Jr. Vs. Sacha Baron Cohen: A Tale Of Two Holmes

With today's Variety report that Robert Downey Jr. will star in a mildly distracted Guy Ritchie's upcoming Sherlock Holmes for Warner Bros.—by all accounts, a much more reverential take on the mythical detective than the Columbia comedy announced just last week starring Sacha Baron Cohen—we thought we'd celebrate this latest Elementary! edition of our ongoing The End of Ideas series by comparing and contrasting the two competing projects:

The Take:
RDJ: A fast-talking, self-absorbed Holmes with hints of deep inner-turmoil, Downey's creation will overcome a career-threatening intravenous morphine habit to become the toast of London's A-list private detective scene.
SBC: A snootier and less aware take on the erudite detective, this Holmes will always insist, despite the bafflement of his perennial sidekick Watson, that the best way to solve a particularly difficult case is to visit the local all-boys brothel for some closed-door interrogations.

World's Dozen Remaining TV Critics Gather For One Last Strike-Addled, Blog-Ruined Party

'Clash of the War God Titans' Duo Sentences Greek Mythology to Die at the Multiplex

It's funny — we were just talking to someone last week about the slow decline of Lawrence Kasdan, who wrote and/or directed some of the '80s best films of their respective genres, including The Empire Strikes Back, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Body Heat, Silverado and The Big Chill. Little did we know how desperately he seems to regret not having a piece of the cult 1981 sword-and-sandals classic Clash of the Titans, a Kasdan-written, Louis Leterrier-directed remake of which is now on the way from Warner Bros.

Then, right on cynical cue, Relativity Media and the vampires who brought you 300 announced they had attached Tarsem Singh to direct some fucking "mythology epic" called War of Gods. So confusing, Hollywood! Is it a clash or a war? And must we really have it both ways?

Prospect Of Dueling 'Smurfs' Projects Makes Us Want To Smurf Hollywood

And here we thought the future of the Smurfs franchise in America was merely an esoteric quarterly concern at Defamer — that the talk we'd heard a while back about some feature-length updating was mere Euro-rumor. But the impossible blue dream of about 350 emotionally stunted children of the '80s inched closer to reality Monday when Sony Pictures Animation announced it had acquired the domestic rights to develop a Smurfs movie at last.

We're not sure where this puts the original project we'd privately cherished a few months ago, but you won't hear us tell you the world isn't big enough for a pair of Smurfs films — especially something blending live-action, animation and such unadulterated corporate dorkdom:

Celebrity Wrestling All Fun Until Dustin Diamond Gets Hurt, And Then It's Fucking Hilarious

'I Spit on Your Grave' Remake Promises Even Motorboatier Disembowlements Than Before

On a day when feminism in Hollywood swings wildly between pure gender-pandering and impassioned scrotum-punching, we're hearing about one developing project that could potentially split the difference: I Spit on Your Grave, a remake of the notorious 1978 rape-revenge film that made so many friends upon its initial release ("Attending it was one of the most depressing experiences of my life," Roger Ebert wrote in his original review).

But despite revisionists who have since accorded political meaning to director Meir Zarchi's grotty castrations and disembowelments, the producers at CineTel Films are apparently sticking to the straight crapsploitation playbook:

Record Vowel-to-Consonant Ratio Not The Only Exciting Thing About 'Ouija' Movie

Congratulations to William Morris, which upped Hollywood's client-packaging stakes to dizzying levels Wednesday with the announcement of a film based on Hasbro's board game Ouija. But the manufacturer hardly matters as much as its WMA partners in the deal, including Elf screenwriter David Berenbaum and Mich... Mi... Christ, we can't even write it. Here, just take it from Borys Kit:

David Berenbaum and Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes have been brought on deck to bring Hasbro's supernatural game Ouija Board to the big screen. The project is set up at Universal, where Hasbro has a six-year strategic partnership.