Miley Despoiled

· Miley Cyrus is just a cog in the slutty-teen-covergirl machine. Deconstructing the furor, through the eyes of a sexually active minor. Only Donny Osmond saw it coming.
· An Oprah and Tom Reunion : The look in those eyes? That's fear. The teaser. The money shots.
· Great Moments in Western Civilization presents Paula Abdul Gives Up All Pretense of Trying To Come Off Like She Knows What the Fuck is Going On Around Her.
· People celebrates the 100 Most Beautiful. If you are not on this list, you may have dodged a bullet.
· "So remember the name Pellicano! For all your private investigating and shaking-down needs. You've been a great crowd. Good night!"
· Never given any thought to Rob Lowe's love of cockrings? Well, you can't say that anymore!
· David Blaine just held his breath a whole bunch and stuff.
· If you want to see the next The Dark Knight trailer, you can count the number of spigots on the Hollywood + Highland fountain as you patiently wait for a FedEx delivery. Or you can just click here.
· Uma Thurman's stalker is just a misunderstood creep...with a craft-loving side!
· Four directors who could make something interesting out of The Hobbit.
· Some trouble is brewing in The Lovely Bones's paradise.
· Little progress is made in the SAG talks.
· Sean Penn is definitely not going to make it to the Coachella '08 greatest hits reel.
· Gwyneth 2.0: All flashy hooker, all the time. Sensual Late Show rubdowns.
· Blindness opens Cannes with a Ruffaloesque flourish.
· "Ooh! I can feel the smack tingling!" "That means it's working, Angelina!"
· Diablo Cody musings on the ones.
· John Cusack's War Inc. as critically reviled as his last high-minded movie about the Iraq war.
· Yet further words to live by from those cretins on The Hills.
· You can lead the Sheen to the altar, but you can't make stop ordering cheerleader sluts in bulk.
· X marks Amy Smart's goodies on the set of Crank 2.
· Lost: The body hair question.

You Can't Always Bet On Black

· Despite the best efforts of Woody Harrelson, Wesley Snipes gets three years for tax evasion.
· The birth of Viacom's new premium cable channel riles future galactic despot Les Moonves.
· Let's hope this is just a bump in Lindsay Lohan's Road to Wellville.
· Whither our superheroines?
· All is again Kosher between Tom & Vicky & Dave & Katie.
· The Segelbot successfully executes Talk Show Anecdote Program Embarrassing Naked Breakup Story. Behold, the Segelshlong.
· Baby Mama: The reproductive torture-porn cut.
· Star Jones fails to make love work.
· Semi-Pro bear gets fully-pissed, mauls his trainer to death.
· Does the Valkyrie release-date shell-game spell bad news for the Cruise/Wagner UA?
· The Uwe Boll Movie Challenge invites to make your own, damn hacky movie, while Boll issues a challenge to sworn nemesis Michael Bay: 12 rounds in the ring, winner takes all. (Winner being us.)
· Jimmy Fallon finds the perfect platform for a comedian who loves laughing at his own jokes.
· The Hobbit blows cum-bubbles!

As we put this week to bed, it's time to reflect, project, deflect and genuflect on the week that was...
· Big week for Gorgeous George Clooney. His passion project, Leatherheads,
disappointed at the box office (twice!), he was on the receiving end of a threatening phone call and his sand-loving girlfriend turned his bachelor pad into Yankee Candle outlet. Ah, who are we kidding? He can still pull digits with the best of 'em.
· Ellen Page butched it up on Leno and may (or may not!) have dissed Hanoi Jane.
· Certainly, Tom Cruise has had better weeks. MGM tried to spin Valkyrie's second release date pushback as a B.O. ploy, but we knew better.
· Artie Lange and Charlton Heston both had shitty weeks, too. Artie resigned from the Howard Stern Show and Charlton, well, he died.
· The hackiest hack that ever hacked, Uwe Boll, found himself on the wrong end of an online petition that might just end his career (fingers crossed!). Howevs, he was able to leverage the power of the internet to fight back ... twice!
· It was Musical Chairs week at Hollywood's biggest talent agencies. Bob DeNiro bolted from CAA (spurring a hilarious poison pen post from the Death Star), Nick Stevens led one of "the biggest agent migrations in years" when he bolted from UTA to Endeavor and a finch with a mean streak wreaked havoc at CAA shortly after Ashton Kutcher became the agency's newest client.
· Teri Hatcher and Clint Black learned that they're both better off sticking with their day jobs.
· After publicly (and somewhat shadily) announcing that he and his wife were victims of an alleged extortion attempt by his nanny, Rob Lowe displayed the keen ability to turn an adjective into a noun when he coined the term "false terribles."

What did we learn about our favorite celebrities this week? Glad you asked!
· Katie Holmes: She got sheared (next up, tannis root?) and, when it comes to meals, she's half a person.
· George Clooney: He's a late night charmer (possibly in more ways than one) but fussy when it comes to being credited.
· Jessica Simpson: She was hospitalized for having too much sex (allegedly).
· David Letterman: Doesn't mind giving audiences his sloppy seconds.
· Harvey Levin: Was an idealistic young rabble rouser and a foul-mouthed C-Word dropper.
· Dan Waters: He proved the old maxim that writers are best heard and not seen.
· Lara Flynn Boyle: Her jowls are melting (and not in a good way).
· Jennifer Aniston: She taught us that the best way to assure that your roles don't begin drying up is to form your own production company. Also, is possibly schtupping Orlando Bloom.
· Diablo Cody: Isn't just a screenwriter, she's also a songwriter!
· Ben Stiller: Is vain enough to dye his hair.
· Brangelina: Had difficulty containing the hostilities between their multicultural brood.
· The Real World Cast: They're all older but by no means wiser.
· Katherine Heigl: Wants a baby whether or not her "rocker" hubby Joshua is ready, thinks gay men want her. Also, not opposed to wearing hideous jackets in public.

Brit-Coms

Because Three-Word Week was a such a hit, today we're going to see if we can go one better with just two:
· Britney's triumph.
· Fields's Fifth?
· LAT Puff'd.
· Tempering Indy.
· DreamWorks's divorce.
· Sumner Cruising.
· Darth Bob.
· Dejennifying Judy.
· Joker hereafter.
· Single/Hairy.
· Sambora: Swerving.
· Marshall backlash.
· Hills Wisdom.
· Littlest Lamas.
· Sixteen Questions.
· Chésee's rendezvous.
· Hasselbeck's metaphor.
· Love, out.
· Upchucky Games.
· Saving Swayze.
· Fierce Peeps.
· "Gayest faces."
· $35 cineplex.
· "Thanks, Arthur."

Sex Tape Week!

Gnarly hangover, three-words-only edition:
· Charlotte's hardcore scrapbook.
· Lohan's is fake.
· Naked Hills chick.
· Grey no evil.
· Everyone sues Oprah.
· Tina vs. Jon.
· Ryan Seacrest, retouched.
· Will: SP? OT?
· Sony/MSNBC coverup?
· Mel hearts Britney.
· Eva fights back!
· Thomas Jane's DUI.
· No-Rose Stacey.
· Minghella is dead.
· Vaughn moves on.
· Monday-Friday: Kirstie!
· Martha body shots.
· More 90210 casting.
· M/F/Carrot
· Sherri: Idol sucks!
· Sticky-fingers Ryder.
· South Park suicide.
· E on shrooms.

Name's Pellicano, Honey.

· Pellicano...To The Extreme!!! After all these years, Garry Shandling and Brad Grey fail to have a bitch hug-out session. Everything you didn't want to know about where Chris Rock came on that girl's ass.
· We cast Three-Diamond Girl: Ashley Dupré and the Fall of the House of Spitzer, though we still need some Dupré suggestions. Feel free to add them in the comments. Ari Emanuel, meanwhile, is offended for all of us.
· The Tom Cruise birthday party remixes begin.
· Lost Boys 2 trailer...Hmm...Needs more Haim.
· "We Can Work It Out" proves the mountain that Idol golden boy David Archuleta cannot conquer.
· Think of Edward Norton as The Incredible Hulk, and the Marvel guys as The Abomination. Which CGI Hulk do you prefer?
· Funny Games: High art or low snuff?
· As close as Defamer will ever get to a mention on The Simpsons. Hey—we'll take it.
· Real actress Jenna Fischer adds water sports to her resume skills section.
· Celebrities enjoy partaking in marijuana, says book. And Mary Ann's arrest—oh wait. Strike that last one.
· Tranny. Hot mess. Fierce. Rinse. Repeat.
· The Indiana Jones poster is revealed, and we think it's dynomite! (Oh, wait—wrong show.)
· Courtney Love instructs the nanoaliens living inside her teeth to type out an angry MySpace blog post disputing claims she's crazy
· Britney Spears Career ResurrectionWatch: A walk-on on How I Met Your Mother. What would NPH think? The first Fox lot sighting. The anime video.
· Madonna's big week: The Hall of Fame induction. The video. Like a 50-Year-Old Virgin.
· Paris Hilton giving Cher and roaches a run for their money.
· Run! Patricia Heaton has a freakishly small bellybutton! She'll kill us all!!!
· Barry Diller accused of abusing private jets. Jets may never recover.

Seeking Cultural Soulmate

· Brian Grazer currently culturally unattachéd.
· UTA removes, then returns, their assistants' names.
· The Pellicano trial is underway, but no one really cares.
· Ellen Page: Scissor Sister.
· Diablo Cody immortalized in drag.
· Think that's Paris Hilton's spiritual advisor? Think again, punk!
· Oprah helps makes Drew Barrymore's giant-check-donating fantasies come true.
· K-Fed packs on a few. But he's not the only one.
· Four words for American Idol: Stripper Boogers. Zonked Paulas.
· CAA Death Star felled by one burnt egg roll.
· David Caruso isn't good with props...or thresholds...or lack of sunglass close-ups.
· A terrible development for Patrick Swayze.
· Tropic Thunder goes the blackface-for-laughs route.
· Brian Posehn IS Thelma Dennis.
· 10,000 B.C.: Not so much.
· The little Chris Kattanish Muppet wins Project Runway.

Oscar Mounted

· And the winner is...YOU, Oscars Liveblog reader!
·The West and Burst Dressed.
· Diablo Cody's fairy tale night marred by a very controversial pair of glass-cutting slippers. OMG! Nude stripper! But what does it mean for stripperdom as a whole?
· Scott Rudin declares his man-love before billions, but it takes the Academy a few tries to notice.
· Courtney Loves's Oscars review, in 16 words or less.
· Gary Busey's act of contrition.
· The Buffalo News Crew Nine-Word Review.
· Ellen Page spotted Rubyfruit Mafia-adjacent! Ssssscandal!
· This is the way New Line will end: Not with a bang, but a merger.
· McLovin Rising.
· We're only grateful Johnny Grant, God rest his soul, never lived to see the smut THR passes for a cover nowadays. Is it any wonder they aren't Oprah-fearing people?
· Idol loses two of its secret-harboring contestants. Nurse Rocker's revenge.
· A sneak peek at what you're not missing in Step Brothers.
· The Week in Fucking: Kimmel on Affleck. Banks on Rogen.

Tidying Up For Oscar

· Yo! Oscar! Over here! It's the 80th Annual Academy Awards Sunday evening, and good things invariably come in extremely round numbers. As is our custom, we'll be liveblogging the entire, bloated affair. Live! (Did we mention that already?) It promises to be four-plus hours of wildly inebriated fun. Be there: 5 p.m. Pacific. And if you can't spend it with us, then we hope you enjoy catching Hepatitis A at Madonna's. That should be a good time, too.
· Pop quiz: What do Lindsay Lohan, Marilyn Monroe, two boobs, and innumerable freckles have in common? Hint: Dina Lohan couldn't be prouder.
· What's with Where the Wild Things Are? Leaked screen tests. Poor audience responses. Possible plug pullings!
· For fans of Can't Stop the Music, and just about no one else: Steve Guttenberg to boogie back into your hearts on Dancing with the Stars.
· My dinner with Clooné.
· Scarlett and Natalie are willing to go there for Boleyn. But can the same be said for Christina and Reese?
· OMG! Hepatitis scare at Ashton's 30th birthday! We know...He's only 30!
· "Paging Dr. Pinsky. Dr. Pinsky to admissions."
· J-Lo's gemini miracle fails to enthrall a nation.
· Hobble your way to digital satellite clarity!
· The lavender Idol monster is back, dragging along some controversy and Apple riding piggyback.
· Put that broken heel under your pillow, and just maybe, Shoe Fairy Neil Patrick Harris with put a brand new pair of Louboutins under your pillow.

· Mark Lisanti, our founder and fearless leader of four years, packs it in for bigger and brighter things, as we, along with the Chinese Theater Justice League, bid him a fond farewell.
· Alas, poor Grazerhead! We knew him, Russell Crowe.
· WGA Scribeapalooza II: Let's Call the Whole Thing Off proves a rousing success: The strike, she is no more.
· Meryltom ClooNiro urges you to JUST TALK.
· What they did over their strike break: Forgot what the hell was going on on their show. Worked at a fast food restaurant.
· This is your flack. This is your flack on beta-carotine-rich drugs.
· Spielberg pulls out of the Beijing Olympics. Fine, Spielberg. See if China cares.
· Our first glimpse of Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull.
· Gasp! An exec let some underling take the blame for something shady he did! It's right there in that e-mail! We know!!
· We don't know about you, but we like to start our mornings with a hot cup of coffee, a beloved screen icon, and the c-word.
· The Fall of the Fanning Dynasty
· Paris Hilton's baby brother is all grown up and sobering up in a holding cell.
· Mel Gibson sued for not giving his screenwriter his fair share of the Jesus-snuff-movie millions.
· Kanye West wins Artist of Eternity!
· Roy Scheider takes the Blue Thunder express to the hereafter.
· Just what Ben Silverman needed: A mountain of fuck-you money.
· Who's up for some Drunk Lindsay Bingo?

Sing It, Fat Lady

· Strike's over! Maybe! Or not! But Michael Eisner says it is! So it is! Maybe.
· One night only: O'Brien VS. Stewart VS. Colbert!!! (No minors.)
· OscarWatch: Vanity Fair party, canceled. Governor's Ball, delicious. OscarBots, set to "KILL." Begging for an answer. Fuck you very much, Academy.
· Vanity Fair Hollywood issue: Hopefully this batch will do better than that batch. Renee Zellweger channels Kim Novak. Seth Rogen ain't exactly your father's Cary Grant.
· Hollywood hits the Super Bowl ads. But where's The Happening, hot stuff?
· A big week for Paris: Letterman apologizes, Harvard anoints, and her 17 dogs crap all over the place.
· CAA eats one of its own to appease the mighty Oprah.
· Fear and Loathing in Britney Spears. Breaking down the Rolling Stone cover story.
· It's hard out there for a GOP, says Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
· A word of caution for McLovin.
· Heath Ledger and Brad Renfro both gone from drugs. Be careful out there, folks.
· Corey Haim is back, he's ready to work, and he's just blown a lot of dough on this full-page Variety ad. (And he's ready to make amends.)
· The man who socked Jesse Metcalfe.
· Anna Nicole Smith, dead one year to the day.
· And in rehab: Drunkst, Let's Get Crazy.

Silence, Mon Schnabel

Heath Ledger: 1979 - 2008

· Shock and sadness: Heath Ledger dies.
· The Oscar nominations: Even more underwhelming than usual. The reactions. Breaking down the snubees.
· Warner Bros.' Dark days are upon them.
· Turns out, everyone wants to know what all that Cloverfield fuss was about: Mostly nausea.
· Kiefer is free! Kiefer is free! The first sighting.
· Lindsay Lohan: Queen of the Razzies.
· E! News's typo'd tribute to Brad Renfro.
· Rambo: By the numbers.
· Ben Silverman is Ben Silverman's kind of guy.
· Kathleen Turner reveals a chihuahua-snatching side to Nicolas Cage none of us knew existed—including Nicolas Cage.
· Sundance: Hamlet 2 sells for $10 million, or $5 million each for screenwriters Diablo Rosencrantz and Aviva Guildenstern. (And whatever's left over for Steve Coogan.)
· Jerry O'Connell: Def SP.
· Something about Nicole Kidman and a saved placenta.
· Welcome to the World of Diablo Cody
· The Moment of Truth: Glacially paced, not life-destroyingy enough. Play along at home!
· Two more Pitt-Jolieseses on the way! Maybe!

Have You Seen That Tom Cruise Video?

· The Secret Tom Cruise Scientology Tape They Didn't Want You To See That You Ended Up Seeing A Lot Of Anyway
· The Non-Globes: If you liveblog a non-event, does it make a sound? "Sooo...I understand you worked at Hooters. How humiliated are you by that?" The Piv cements his place in catchphrase-coining history. Kicking it, Borgnine style. Stanko ratings. Night of 1000 hotel room viewing parties. Blonskysplosion!
· Katie Holmes MarathonGate: Breathing not a word of it on GMA. Feeding Letterman the party line. Things get juicy: Who is runner #6074? And who is Paul Vincent? Probably not the final word on the matter.
· The rumors of a DGA deal were right on the money. The industry reacts.
· Breaking down the Sundance buzz. And a lost cat for good measure.
· Katherine Heigl refreshingly candid about how shitty the newlywed life can be.
· Following the Axium embezzlement paper trail.
· OMG! Diane Keaton said "fucking" on GMA!
· NodorO™: Manly, yes, but Simon Cowell likes it too!
· Wesley Snipes Rorschachian court papers.
· Goodbye, Brad.
· Nothing can cancel Oscar Christmas. Look at the sparkly lights!
· A ho-hum, heavy-on-the-freak season of Idol begins: Hairkinis, father/son love lockets.
· Defamer attends the Cloverfield premiere, sees a headless Lady Liberty and a headed Lady Lohan.

Golden Globes R.I.P.

It's Like Late Night, Only Strikier

· The Return of Late Night: Taking first-guest bets. Our first tantalizing taste of Dave beard. Countdown to our last. Letterman's kickline. What's worse?: Leno's restriction-busting monologue or his impovised banter? Craig Ferguson makes sweet love to Paul Shaffer's head. Conan clobbers in the Beard Wars and ratings.
· Britney's (Latest) Breakdown: Showdown at the homestead. Th