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Posts Tagged “

The Bachelor

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short ends

Interwebs Conspire To Prevent Amateur Pornographer Bill Shatner From Getting Laid

· In today's installment of Rambling Anecdote Theater, Captain Kirk answers a call to Playmate-snapping duty. [Tonight Show]
· Elizabeth Berkley has launched a website where teenage girls can write in for advice. Finally, a place that collects such nuggets of wisdom as this: "Just as Nomi, my character in Showgirls, gets turned on by things that challenge her or obstacles or other hurdles to overcome, those are things that I welcome and I love that." [ask-elizabeth.com]
· Hey, MTV Films: Could we interest you in our spec, The Two Davids: America's Idols? We already have some casting ideas. [Popwatch]
· Come on, Chandler Tempe, AZ voters: If you want change, choose Schmuck! This message approved by Team Schmuck. (Thanks, Dave.) [Defamer]
· Here's the good news: The Larchmont Crumbs opens Friday. Here's the better news: 1000 FREE CUPCAKES. Oh. Ma. Ga. [Eater LA]
· Run for your lives! The British Bachelor Giant will devour us all! [JustJared]

6:22 PM on Tue Jun 3 2008
By Seth
4,678 views, 8 comments

Latest by Brine: I love how they think "Interweb" is some uninformed old person term. more »

full moons

Contestant's Werecoyote Secret Revealed On Shocking 'Bachelorette' Premiere

We had barely recovered from last week's whirlwind The Bachelor finale—an unrepentantly romantic affair which saw Lorenzo Lamas marry off his youngest neglected daughter to a Mary Poppins background player—when the ABC reality TV mating rite began anew. On last night's The Bachelorette premiere, the gender scenario was reversed, with 25 eager-to-wed penis-havers (or at least eager to nab some sweet national airtime plus a chance at nailing a reality semi-star) vying for the attentions of one desirable, not-getting- any-younger- if-you- know-what- we-mean goddess. The lucky lady in question? The Bachelor season 11 finalist DeAnna Pappas, who you might remember as having had her still-beating heart plucked right out of her chest in an episode we like to refer to as Indiana Womack and the Gazebo of Commitmentphobic Doom. More »

4:35 PM on Tue May 20 2008
By Seth
8,247 views, 14 comments

Latest by n/a: meat pie with a side of attention whore more »

proposals

Shayne Lamas's Performance Of A Lifetime

Sure, we all endured the Rose Ceremony hoops, but was there really any doubt in our minds who Matt Grant—the most British Bachelor ever!—would choose at the end of his lady-shopping journey? The second he laid eyes on Lamas Family acting dynasty heiress Shayne Lamas, our funny-sounding Casanova was a goner. Sad as that was for first runner-up Chelsea, who was commended for her loveliness and offered her choice of Whirlpool appliances in exchange for her time, it resulted in a jackpot romantic payday for Shayne. More »

10:55 AM on Tue May 13 2008
By Seth
14,475 views, 12 comments

Latest by sylvie calls shotgun!!: My friend sent me a link. Apparently she just posed for Girls Gone Wild Magazine. Class act that one. They deserve each other. more »

still lonely

I Believe In You And Meep: Celebrating The Bachelor's Amanda

Last night brought us the always anticipated The Bachelor reunion show, and while it didn't come close to reaching the dramatic heights of last season's stunning confrontation between hunky-faced Brad Womack and the shunted women he so callously tossed aside like used bedside facial tissue, it did feature some satisfying moments. Absent from the proceedings was finalist Shayne Lamas, scion of the Lamas Family Acting Dynasty, who, despite what her father might tell you, is truly, madly, deeply in love with What's-His-Face from London Town. More »

12:00 PM on Tue May 6 2008
By Seth
6,546 views, 4 comments

Latest by n/a: Comment on I Believe In You And Meep: Celebrating The Bachelor's Amanda I can't believe that Shayne wins. What was he thinking? more »

exposure

Dad Lorenzo Outs Shayne Lamas As The Reality TV Famewhore She Truly Is

In just the four short weeks since we last checked in with dandiest Bachelor ever Matt Grant, the British export has managed to whittle down his harem of colonial concubines to three. Not surprisingly, Shayne Lamas, the needy-but-hot, questionably motivated heir to the Lamas Family acting dynasty, is still in the running, earning her a coveted family visit on last night's episode. More »

10:00 AM on Tue Apr 22 2008
By Seth
15,763 views, 6 comments

romance

Send Everyone Else Home: In The Bachelor's Stacey, We Found A Slut We Can Take To Mom

It's startling to us that after the last iteration of ABC's perennial romance sweepstakes—in which Hunkiest Bachelor of Them All Brad Womack cruelly withheld a suspiciously oversized engagement ring from last-standing-soulmate Deanna, choosing instead to slip the sparkling keepsake over his own member as a gesture of narcissistic fidelity—that producers of The Bachelor would find another 25 women desperate, lonesome, and fame-whorey enough to subject themselves to similar, nationally televised humiliation.

More »

10:41 AM on Tue Mar 18 2008
By Seth
12,424 views, 14 comments

Latest by StevieRayHalen: "I want to find a farm-a - sutiKaL that will cure something..." You can't cure stupid.... wow. and Where are all the attractive people that are NOT shallow, and actually try to help others? certainly not on reality tv... well, there was more »

short ends

'Late Night' Presents: 'Conanfield'


· NBC Universal's Conanfield has reinvigorated the moribund monologue-monster-attack genre! A triumph!
· The Bachelor's most memorable season finale dumpee gets a second chance at fake-love.
· Star Jones has been "rebranded" right out of a job.
· Isabella Rossellini has moved on to bug porn. [via BoingBoing]
· This year's Super Bowl ads will be "gentle and sweet"; except, you know, for that one where Justin Timberlake gets repeatedly smashed in the junk.

6:10 PM on Thu Jan 31 2008
By Mark
3,857 views, 8 comments

nothing you say will stop this man from getting crazy laid

Love-Refusing Bachelor Brad Womack Runs The Daytime Talk Show Gaunlet


Remember Brad Womack, the slab of The Bachelor man-beef who ripped out America's heart, doused it in Old Spice, and then set the still-beating organ aflame by failing to pretend he'd fallen for either of the two contestants who'd survived weeks of televised culling? Of course you do. That stuff only happened a week ago! Anyway: after giving him the what-for on yesterday's program, today Ellen DeGeneres invited Womack to her show so that should could get some fucking answers to questions she felt weren't adequately addressed during the post-finale interrogation that repeatedly stole the breath of a studio audience scandalized by his inability to let love heal his tortured soul.

More »

5:20 PM on Fri Nov 30 2007
By Mark
5,252 views, 7 comments

Latest by dblgoldens: can't help my love for his hotness. am sucker for the "I" word. will crazy-lay him anytime! more »

battered fisherman

Former 'Bachelor' Pummeled By NFL Cheerleader Of His Dreams

To fully hammer home just what it was that The Bachelor's Brad Womack was forfeiting by dangling his unfathomable hunkiness before 25 single women only to cruelly snap it away at the last moment, the show's producers trotted out the sole two successful romantic pairings from the series and its spinoffs: The Bachelorette's Trista and Ryan, holding the Baby That Reality TV Made, and Season 6 Lesser Hunk Byron Velvick and chosen contestant Mary Delgado, who sported a sparkling engagement ring and gushed lovingly that she "[loves] this man so much that I have fallen in love with the sport that he loves." Later that night, Delgado would find herself behind bars for assaulting the professional bass fisherman of her dreams:

More »

10:40 AM on Mon Nov 26 2007
By Seth
5,043 views, 11 comments

Latest by Cultmember: She looks like she's about to say "Cocaine's a helluva Drug!" more »

judgment at hunky nuremberg

'The Bachelor' Made To Answer For His Crimes Against TV Love


One night after Brad Womack made The Bachelor history by throwing his final rose into a blender with some ice chipped from his cold heart and whipping up a rejection smoothie for the two lovestruck finalists with whom he had no intention of pursuing a relationship, ABC lured him back before their cameras to further explain his controversial decision not to enter into the easily reversible, faux betrothal that's supposed to end each season of the series. More »

3:28 PM on Wed Nov 21 2007
By Mark
27,531 views, 41 comments

Latest by mcgeorge: Who wants to bet his douch-ey twin brother was just off-camera with a timer giving Brad the silent countdown: "Three minutes till tequila belly shots on 6th St., twin bro!! Hold on!!" more »

broken hearts

The Bachelor Chooses Singledom, Depriving Finalists Of Their Hard-Earned Fake Engagement


In an unprecedented move that threatens to undermine the sacred premise of future installments of ABC's blockbuster TV-matchmaking franchise The Bachelor, America's heart was cleaved in twain as Brad Womack (billed repeatedly as The Sexiest Bachelor Yet!) refused to pretend that he'd fallen for any of this season's desperate-for-companionship contestants and offer one of the show's trademark, temporary-commitment-affirming engagement rings to either finalist, walking away from the the series finale as a single man. More »

11:25 AM on Tue Nov 20 2007
By Mark
29,907 views, 45 comments

Latest by n/a: @BestFrenemies: I agree....All Brad's are douches! more »

short ends

Short Ends: Karl Rove Vs. Sheryl Crow and Larry David's Wife

· Karl Rove hates the environment so much that he refuses to be touched by Sheryl Crow. We bet the license plate on his Hummer says "SUCK IT."
· What does 'The Bachelor' say about women? How about, "I am an attention whore willing to pretend I'd consider marrying someone I just met in exchange for some fleeting, ultimately worthless TV exposure?"
· If you're a fan of Laguna Beach, these photos are disturbing. If not, they're just some pictures of a couple of jackasses with a revolver and a bottle of vodka.
· Never has the purchase of three dozen Fun Rubber Duck Duckie Ducks seemed so chilling.

7:17 PM on Mon Apr 23 2007
By Mark
2,511 views, 8 comments

Latest by Bon Jour, Pee Wee: You're not alone, Shumina. more »

the bachelor

'Bachelor' Might Not Hold Meaningful On-Camera Connections Sacred

In a shocking, dispiriting twist that will tear all our romantic hearts asunder, Page Six reports that the current Bachelor, Prince Lorenzo Borghese, may be more committed to upholding the show's proud tradition of aborted relationships than he is to the One True Love he was supposedly seeking. At an ASPCA event honoring Maria Menounos, which Borghese allegedly attended to promote a line of socially vital pet cosmetics that are guaranteed to make whores of your animals and turn him into at least a hundredaire, the Prince apparently couldn't keep his paws to himself. More »

2:20 PM on Mon Oct 16 2006
By heatherfug
331 views, 4 comments

Latest by Xenu: Those little ponies may be feisty, but they sure are tasty... more »