Some film tie-ins (Mission: Impossible, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider) have already been announced, but a half-dozen more rumored attractions trickling out of Paramount HQ have us even more jacked:

—The Sonny Corleone Tollbooth Adventure: Buckle up and grab the phone — it's your sister Connie! Her husband's got the belt again! Swoop down the New Jersey turnpike at speeds in excess of 60 miles per hour before plunging almost 300 feet into a hail of ice water and shrieks. On your way out, purchase your photo with optional Marlon Brando Sobbing Picture Frame™: "Look how they massacred my boy!"

—The "Ow Shia's Balls" Jungle Coaster: Settle in for the ride of your crotch's life as you straddle vehicles on two tracks through the Peruvian rainforest, just like the the young hero from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Don't let the spiky jungle cacti thwacking your genitals distract you as you battle an animatronic Soviet swordstress and her Commie henchmen — it's either your balls or America, kid!

—Ash Wednesday Eye-Lift Experience: Go under the knife just like desperate housewife Liz Taylor did in her forgotten 1973 melodrama, and then leave the park with a younger date than you arrived with.

—Ripley's Believe or Not Development Vortex: See how exactly how movies aren't made as cuddly Paramount mascot Jim Carrey guides guests on a winding backlot tour of production meetings, script revisions, salary haggles and other rollicking studio inertia.

—There Will Be Fun! Daniel Plainview Musical Revue: Relive the joy and wonder of There Will Be Blood with sociopathic oil baron Plainview and your entire family. The entire history of California oil drilling gets the stage treatment with numbers including "Bastard in a Basket," "Give Me the Blood, Eli" and the famous show-stopper "(I Drink Your) Milkshake."

—Sumner Redstone: The Ride: Climb 350 feet over Seoul before a wizened finger brushes you into a terrifying freefall back to Earth. (Sorry kids! You must be taller than Tom Cruise to ride.)

Let us know if you've heard about any others!

Despite the severed relationship, Cruise, 45, is in talks with Paramount to star in a fourth Mission: Impossible film. Viacom is Paramount's parent company.

"I consider Tom Cruise a great actor and a good friend," Redstone said. "And if Paramount decides — and they will make the decision — to move ahead with him, I will not object."

Redstone, who was seen dining with Cruise in Beverly Hills in March, was responding to a reporter's question after a speech at a conference in South Korea.

No word on whether or not Cruise and Paula Wagner's stalled United Artists tank might follow behind (especially as Dreamworks scouts new bungalows around town), but seeing as MGM still has a UA deal, M:I4 remains a separate matter. In any case, Redstone won't be leaving that one up to Grey, unless perhaps through some miracle of timing and imagination the principals develop M:I4 as a perfect midsummer companion to Valkyrie. Maybe the latter could be an origin story — Ethan Hunt descended from one-eyed Nazis? Don't think Redstone hasn't pitched it.

• Mogul Redstone: Cruise can star in next 'Mission Impossible' [AP]

The marketplace reaction to the fourth feevee was predictable: Who needs it?

"On its merits," says Rob Stengel, cable consultant and a principal of the Boston-based Continental Consulting Group, "I don't think you'll be able to find any distributors jumping up and down with eagerness to get their hands on another pay TV network."

Cable ops and satellite distributors "are crapping all over the idea in public," says a Viacom spokesman, "but privately, the early discussions are promising."

Oh, really? OK, then! Seeing as we apparently take everything publicists say at face value around here, we also pick up on what they don't say: specifically, as Variety's John Dempsey also notes today, the joint 'Mount/Lionsgate/MGM press release from last weekend bore no mention of a single cable company who had agreed to broadcast the channel. But seeing as that's the biggest public crap they could have taken so far — well, that, and not having jumped when Viacom said so — we figure the next round of battles can only go better for the dinged-up Dauman. We wish him luck!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Showtme-Viacom Split Feeds Drama [Variety]

In the end, the studios just wanted more for their films' pay-cable rights than Showtime was willing to pay. This much was somewhat old news; Viacom and Paramount haven't quite seen eye-to-eye with CBS boss Les Moonves and Showtime chief Matt Blank for some time. The vertical integration implied by their output deals — Showtime had rights to Paramount releases through the end of 2007 — was less a function of convenience than an increasingly forced pairing, especially as Showtime's original programming (Weeds, Dexter, The Tudors) took off over the last few years. Showtime's output deals with MGM and Lionsgate — booked through the end of this year — were just as fragile in the Redstone and Viacom CEO Phillipe Dauman's volatile corporate culture.

Nikki Finke was first on the scene when news broke on Sunday:

Moonves wanted to drastically cut the price for Paramount pics, arguing that "the pay channel world isn't what it used to be" and the value of movies on pay TV has decreased while the importance of hot new scripted original series have increased. I'm told that, as the bargaining dragged on, the Paramount/Viacom camp, once optimistic that it would all work out, lost patience with Moonves' "hard line" and resented being lowballed. Now it looks like Les over-negotiated because Paramount, MGM and Lionsgate have found refuge thanks to Viacom. This new premium TV channel by Viacom, Paramount, MGM and Lionsgate is that old Hollywood maxim at work: Don't get mad. Get even.

Well, yeah. One observer told Finke that Moonves is "royally screwed" — for starters, there are no studios left on the market for output deals. A defiant Blank, however, is standing tall this morning in Variety:

"We're not willing to sell our network down the river for product that's not as valuable as it used to be," he said. "We wish them well. ...

"We've been having unbelievable success with our original programming," Blank said. "Can you name one movie Showtime has aired in the last three years? But people sure do know The Tudors and Californication and Dexter and Weeds."

Take that spin for what you will, but we're of a mind with David Poland: Apart from drunken Sunday-afternoon pissing contests, what's really in this for the 'Mount? Showtime keeps the studio's library for a while still, leaving MGM and Lionsgate's libraries (along with upcoming, inconsistent Paramount product ranging from Iron Man to The Love Guru) the primary source of programming. (DreamWorks films are aligned separately with HBO.) As such, reports The New York Times, original programming may be in the cards when the new channel launches in late 2009. But why pay hundreds of millions to enter that fray when HBO and Showtime have spent years establishing the institutional upper hand?

Sometimes there is no explanation for this kind of stuff besides entertaining Emperor Redstone — and us. We could watch Brad Grey cannibalize Les Moonves all day. Nevertheless, somebody out there knows something the rest of us don't; maybe an original program is jumping ship? Moonves lost a poker bet with MGM chief Harry Sloan over the weekend? Your guesses are as good as ours.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Studios team on VOD venture [Variety]

At an industry screening Tuesday night of the forthcoming comedy Tropic Thunder from Paramount Pictures and its unit DreamWorks, Tom Cruise brought down the house with his surprise portrayal of a bald, hairy-chested, foulmouthed, dirty-dancing movie mogul of the kind who is only too happy to throw an actor to the wolves when his popularity cools. ...

[T]he performance is likely to draw attention, since Paramount is weighing a plan in which it would build buzz with extensive screenings of Tropic Thunder before its Aug. 15 release, much as 20th Century Fox did in 2006 with Borat... At Tuesday's screening Mr. Stiller told attendees that his new film was still in rough form. "If you have any suggestions, feel free to post them directly on the Internet," he said.

More specifically, please post them directly in our inbox. Presuming Redstone has already seen his nemesis' handiwork, we'd like to know if, say, any morning coffee was spit out, how far, what it was chased with and, of course, whether or not Tropic Thunder is either the surest signal or the certain ruin of a Cruise/Redstone rapprochement. Operators are standing by!

• Tom Cruise, in Bit Role, Nips Studio's Top Gun [NYT]

Delicious as they were, Redstone's takedowns of Cruise during the pair's 2006 bust-up never exceeded the realms of showmanship; the hard feelings that surfaced in the press aren't quite what you'd call insurmountable. Especially under these circumstances, with Paramount facing the loss of its disgruntled moguls (and their properties) at DreamWorks and Cruise (with producing partner Paula Wagner) wedged into an already over-budget, so-far-so-bad production and distribution deal with MGM — which owns about 65 percent of UA but is also hedging with reliable, low-maintenance new hires to create a totally separate production slate. None of this pleases Cruise and Wagner, who are reportedly disappointed enough in MGM's feeble infrastructure to buy MGM out with a percentage of future deals headed back to the studio. If they did it at Paramount, though, with Redstone capping budgets around $60 million, would it even be worth it?

We're just saying, of course. There's no accounting for ego and/or hard feelings, but really, there's not that much water under these guys' bridge. And we all know lunch at the Polo Lounge is never just "lunch." Is it?

• Mission Possible: Redstone, Cruise Re-Establish Ties [WSJ]
• All Forgiven? [NYP]

"He's gone, and he's not going to be missed," one knowledgeable insider tells Radar. Word is, Viacom chief Sumner Redstone—who made headlines in 2006 for canning Tom Cruise after his off-screen antics became a liability—has struck again.

So, is the ornery octogenarian billionaire, who also controls CBS, Paramount Pictures, and MTV Networks, trying to prove that he's still the big swinging dick of the entertainment business? Looks that way.

Whether or not this account is an accurate representation of where the Spielberg/Viacom marriage is headed, we're genuinely disturbed by the idea of a dick-measuring contest between the Hollywood deity and his immortal nemesis. Should Spielberg and Redstone ever meet to finally settle the matter of who's packing more influential inches, the confrontation could stretch on for hours, with teams of assistants furiously unspooling yards and yards of their bosses' members, which have been imposingly lengthened by billions of dollars in box-office grosses and hundreds of years toiling in show business, respectively.

UPDATE: Spielberg's flack denies the report thusly: "Radar's radar kind of bounced off an incorrect source."

• Spielberg Out at DreamWorks? [Radar]

· Billy Bob Thornton hopes some of newly minted Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf's sizzle rubs off on him, signing on to learn some new tricks from the young master while working on the DreamWorks thriller Eagle Eye. [Variety]
· Not even the strike can slow Jerry Bruckheimer's superproducing abilities. [Variety]

Dauman also is suspect because he holds the world record for getting along with Sumner M. Redstone, the crusty autocrat who built Viacom and looms Zeus-like from his hilltop mansion in Beverly Hills as executive chairman and lead shareholder of Viacom and its sister company, CBS Corp.

Cool or not, Dauman's 25-year relationship with Redstone, 84, is the key to his power at Viacom. It also increases the odds that he will be a force there after Redstone is gone.

Dauman once served as Redstone's personal lawyer and co-executor of his estate. He has been his strategist, secret agent, corporate troubleshooter, fellow board member and, now, top executive. With the circle around Redstone thinning because of ongoing conflict within his family, there may be no one closer to him than Dauman.

"He's very loyal, very hardworking, and suddenly, he's the last man standing," a New York media investor said.

Even as the "last man standing," the next couple of years will be crucial ones in determining Dauman's future in the Viacom empire. Once the matters of the Google lawsuit and Steven Spielberg's possible departure from the corporate family are finally settled, Redstone will decide whether to let his right-hand man drink of the ceremonial, jewel-encrusted chalice filled with his immortality-granting blood and rule with him for eternity, or to merely have his trusty CEO's brain transplanted into the skull of his favorite lap-cat, stroking him appreciatively until the natural end of the pet's life.

• Viacom chief has clout, if not cool [LAT]
• Previously: More Aftershocks From The Two Little Words That Shook Hollywood [Defamer]

But in August the Redstones privately agreed to a cooling-off period until after the Labor Day weekend, when Shari's 25-year-old daughter, Kimberlee, was to be married.

Sumner and his wife, Paula, attended the Sept. 2 ceremony at the Inter-Continental Boston Hotel, where heart-shaped fireworks lit up the Boston Harbor.

One guest said that although there were no fireworks between Sumner and Shari during the lavish event, the pair weren't exactly cozy.

"There was peace, but they basically didn't speak to each other all weekend," said one person, who asked to remain anonymous because the wedding was a private family affair. The person said the elder Redstone laid low, neither toasting the bride and groom nor playing any other ceremonial role.

A person close to Sumner said he and Shari "hugged each other."

Despite his best attempts at maintaining a tenuous familial peace, the immortal patriarch couldn't help but co-opt part of the reception to make a point about the futility of his daughter's efforts to unseat him. Grabbing Shari by the elbow and leading to the wedding cake stand, he whispered in her ear, "Imagine this delicious dessert is my Viacom empire. If you abandon your doomed campaign to overthrow me, you get this generous slice," then paused to cut her off a small sliver of the frosted treat. But he then quickly withdrew the offering, continuing, "But if you persist in this insubordination, I will eat the whole fucking thing, and you will get nothing," a threat that was immediately followed by the wizened executive's disturbing devouring of the entire three-foot-tall cake-tower—plastic bride and groom included—before a roomful of shocked guests.

• Redstone family rift may not be healed [LAT]
• Previously: Battle Between Sumner Redstone And Daughter Fizzling, But Bar Fight With God Could Be Brewing [Defamer]

We take particular inspiration from skeletal Viacom executive presence Sumner Redstone's position at #41 on the list, as his $7.6 billion net worth represents the culmination of over seven centuries of tireless work in the entertainment sector, a career that began when Redstone ran a gang of picketpocket minstrels who secretly fleeced the European peasants they tried to amuse with song before the Black Death claimed their wrectched lives. (Consider how far the mogul has come: Redstone is now so rich that he can fire Tom Cruise just because he annoys his wife. Amazing!) Some other Hollywood notables charting: Dream Works pals David Geffen (#52) and Steven Spielberg (#117), George Lucas (#86), and Power Rangers magnate Haim Saban (#102). Enjoy!

• The Forbes 400 [Forbes.com]

Another Viacom veteran who's a fan of Shari's says she's like Dad—smart, hardworking, and opinionated. Still, this person adds, "taking on a man who has all the stock" may not be all that smart. "I could argue, 'You're right, Shari—the board isn't really independent,' " this observer says. "There ain't nothing you can do. If he wants to make his salary $20 million a year, there ain't shit you can do."

As the other former associate puts it, "She can't kill him. That's God's job."

Both these veterans, who are still in touch with Sumner, say the fact that's he's feuding with his daughter—as well as his son—doesn't mean he's any crazier than he was before. "I'm sure he's half a step slower," says one. "But you're not talking about a guy who's lost his faculties. He's not erratic. He's not a guy who says A in the morning and B in the afternoon."

In fact, this observer thinks the dust-up is probably something of a tonic to the old man. "This is like giving him a 3-inch Porterhouse steak and an ice-cold cold beer," he says. "He's got his name back in the papers. ... What could be better?"

God should've taken a poke while the half-step-slower immortal was briefly made vulnerable by boredom; now that Sumner's got a bellyful of the red meat of familial conflict and is again drunk on his own power, even the Lord is going to have considerable trouble bringing the old man down. Should He underestimate Redstone's stubborn resolve, He could easily wind up losing two out of three falls in an ill-considered Indian leg-wrestling match where another five hundred years on Earth is at stake.

• Viacom Family Feud [Slate]
• Previously: Inside The Redstones' Battle For Control Of Viacom [Defamer]

Unlike the other disputes, however, the father-daughter feud clouds the succession picture. For years, it was practically a given that Shari Redstone would run the company after her father's death.

Instead, fractures started showing.

"She'd be in good stead sometimes and sometimes not," a person familiar with the situation said. "That was the roller coaster she was riding."

Through lawyers, father and daughter have been involved for months in negotiations that could lead to Shari Redstone giving up her board seats.

Still, a spokeswoman for Shari indicated Thursday that she would resist such an effort. [...]

Asked whether he opposed naming his daughter to succeed him as chairman, he said: "I have always believed and consistently stated that the rules of good governance require that my successor — if I ever die — should be selected by the boards of the two public companies, Viacom and CBS."

Two people familiar with his views said the dispute was really about control of the company after he dies and his daughter's desire to take his place.

Another source suggested that Shari Redstone's concerns were less for her own career than for protecting her children's inheritance. Shari declined to comment.

Since Sumner has made a point of playing coy about his immortality in the past, preferring to perpetuate the lie that he will merely live on another 20 or 50 years, his recognition that he may never die might be taken as a sign that he's feeling genuinely threatened by his daughter's presence in the company. Now, with his feelings of vulnerability exposed, is the time for Shari to attack—she must immediately travel to the secret Tibetan temple where her father was first granted the gift of eternal life and persuade the millennia-old monks there to give her the only thing that can reverse their spell: an ornately decorated, enchanted throw pillow that she must use to snuff out the wizened executive as he naps through a board meeting, finally ending their familial dispute over who will control Viacom's future.

• 'Family Feud' may be new CBS, Viacom reality show [LAT]

DIRECT FROM Hollywood - Jill and Brad Grey will be seen at a wedding this very day in La-La Land; they aren't canceling, although their own actual marriage, of 25 years, is in an iffy state. They gave me this statement, "We are sad to say we are taking a trial separation from our marriage. We have been together since we were in college, and it's our hope that we will be able to work things out for our sake and the sake of our three children."

We take no joy in correctly predicting that Levangie's separation from Grazer would likely result in the liberation of other Hollywood war brides empowered by her bold move into singledom, but we expect that after an acceptable period of mourning, the two ladies will team up and embark upon a Thelma and Louise-quality rampage (they're way past their Starter Wife victimhood) through the city, speeding away down the Sunset Strip as the Chateau Marmont is consumed by a fire they ignited "just to watch that old bitch burn." Meanwhile, the pair's now-estranged husbands will try and convince old pal Sumner Redstone that now is the time to dump his trophy and join them on a weeklong bender in Vegas, where they'll delight in conning their senescent buddy into bankrolling the entire trip.

• BITS OF NUPTIAL NEWS [Liz Smith]

In today's episode: Vince Vaughn; Steve Carell; Ryan Gosling; Joaquin Phoenix; Sumner Redstone; Seth Rogen; Robin Tunney; Jason Schwartzman; Lindsay Lohan and Seann William Scott; Adrian Grenier; David Boreanaz and Dylan Walsh; Rosanna Arquette; Matthew Modine and Chris Robinson. At the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight in Las Vegas: Jack Nicholson, Sen. John McCain, Tobey Maguire, Jennifer Lopez, Jay-Z, Leonardo DiCaprio, John Cusack, Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Denzel Washington, Matthew McConaughey, Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy, Sacha Baron Cohen, Russell Crowe, Chris Tucker, Eva Longoria and Mario Lopez, Helen and Taylor Hackford, John Madden, Luke Perry, Wyclef Jean, Kevin Dillon, Kevin Connolly, Dominic West, Brian Grazer, Bob Saget, Ron Howard, Mary J. Blige, Michael J. Fox, Tom Jones, Charles Barkley, George Lopez, Charlie Sheen and Tommy Lasorda.

· Saw Vince Vaughn at last night's (5/6) 10:45pm showing of Spidey 3 at the Arclight, rocking jeans and a black t-shirt. Dude is tall as hell and sporting a truly prodigal beer gut, pretty much looking exactly like he did in Wedding Crashers. He was with two buddies of his who I didn't recognize. Vince and buddies laughed heartily at the scene where Kirsten Dunst sings in a jazz club, being that she sounds like a gremlin. Only slightly better than my only other celebrity sighting, which was Weird Al Yankovic walking out of a Borat screening.

· I was walking to the Music Center tonight (Monday) to see Joan Didion speak and I accidentally walked right into a movie shoot in front of Disney Hall. Looked to my left and there was Steve Carell in a tux with a pretty lady at his side [ed. note: Anne Hathaway?] (and everyone in the scene was wearing tuxes). Turning to trusty IMDB... it was probably "Get Smart." So I totally ruined a take on the remake of Get Smart (especially since I was talking on my cell phone pretty loudly and got shushed as I walked by the crew). Awesome.

· Saturday, May 5, 2 p.m. or so... at the Downtown YMCA, a fit, trim and blonde-bearded Ryan Gosling working his abs. Lots of crunches before he moved on to pull-ups and a rather short bicep workout. I had heard through the grapevine that he lives downtown, but this is my first sighting of him at the Y. I'm sure his presence will increase female membership.......

· I saw Joaquin Phoenix at Skybar a little while ago (May 1) with 2 male friends of his. I saw some very average looking blonde girl walk up to him and talk to him as he was leaving for a cigarette break. Even though she was not cute he seemed to be flirting with her back and fourth and she walked outside with him. Twenty minutes go by and I am leaving the bar I see them talking and giggling to each other outside smoking. I thought he could do better than that chick because she wasn't exacrly the hottest cup of coffee in the cafe so to speak. They left in the same suv together but I think he may have been giving her a ride home. Just doing what any single man would I guess.

· 4/4: Mozza. Sumner Redstone, dining with another rich old man/used-to-be-attractive-trophy-wife couple. This is only worthy of privacy watch due to the 5-inch band-aid covering half of Sumner's face. Did he come to LA for plastic surgery or slip in the tub? We report, you decide.

· From Freaks and Geeks and the upcoming Knocked up, SETH ROGEN was having lunch with three friends at Taste of India in—heavens—Woodland Hills, last Tuesday, May 1st. He looked as pudgy and adorable as ever, with his chunky glasses and full & manly beard. Those Canadians do it for me.

Some weeks back: I caught ROBIN TUNNEY, late of Prison Break, coming out the Starbucks ladies' room at Vermont and Prospect. Short, and very pale she was.

· Sunday May 6, at the Real Food Daily in West Hollywood, Jason Schwartzman having brunch with a girl I didn't recognize, but who looked like a Breakfast Club-era Molly Ringwald—young, cute, red haired with a quirky style. They shared their meals (pancakes and a tofu scramble, I think) and talked quietly. Jason answered his cell phone, which I believe violates the restaurant's no cell phone policy, but since we were seated outside on the sidewalk patio, I suppose that rule is relaxed.

· Spotted Jason Schwartzman at Pinkberry on Melrose. He's utterly adorkable and I tried to check him out without seeming too obvious. Good thing I was wearing my obnoxiously huge sunglasses. Maybe that's why they are so popular in LA.

· Thursday 5/3 Waited enlessly for a chicken sandwhich next to Seann William Scott at the weho koo koo roo. Thrilling right? He was casually dressed, and surprisingly taller than expected, he's 5'11" according to celebheights.com, who knew? sidebar: what is up with them constantly redecorating that place and the win-a-shitty-dvd carnival game in the corner? Then later that night I was on the balcony and in the elevator next to Lindsay Lohan for the Britney Spears show. Lindsay looked great, didn't drink and was also texting a lot. All eyes were on her until Brit hit the stage. That show was a hot mess!

· Sunday afternoon (5/6) I drove past Adrian Grenier as he walked down Sunset Blvd in Silverlake. He had on a black t-shirt, jeans and massive nothing-to-see-here-folks-I'm-just-a-normal-citizen-like-you sunglasses. Very skinny arms. He must have an awesome stylist on Entourage, because he had some serious frizzy bedhead 'fro going on. He was carrying a small package under his arm and walked with a male friend. Resisted urge to scream "Aquaman rules, I love you, Vince!" out the window. In LA art imitates life imitates art, I guess.

· saw David Boreanaz and Dylan Walsh at my gym (Equinox on Sunset Plaza) last week...

· Was slumming it on Third Street with an out-of-town friend. When we got up from our wine-heavy lunch, I saw that I'd been blabbing on about my ex-boyfriends about 6 inches from Rosanna Arquette's ears. Guess I ruined all my ex-dudes' chances with her...or maybe she's the one that could make them change. Either way: yawn.

· today (5-7) lunch time saw Matthew Modine at Staples in Hollywood. He is very bottle blonde (to blonde for his age) and when i smiled at him he didn't smile back.....maybe he was sad to be alone at staples in the middle of the day.........

· Friday 5:40pm Sunset and El Centro

Walking East on Sunset: Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes (without Kate Hudson I don't even know if he will make this)

In any case he was walking down Sunset sandwiched between two men. Kind of a sleazy area of sunst. My guess is he was at a nearby recording studio. I wanted to yell "hey Chris Rock, how does it feel to have Owen Wilson banging your wife" but I wasn't sure how he would take that.

Special De La Hoya-Mayweather Edition:

· 5/5/07: Sure, celebrities at the De La Hoya-Mayweather fight were like Lana Clarkson's teeth fragments in the foyer in Alhambra, but here are strictly the people I could see from my seat: Jack Nicholson, Sen. John McCain, Tobey Maguire (trying to pretend he didn't notice they spelled his name "Toby McGuire" when they showed him on the overhead video screen _ and on the weekend of his greatest cinematic triumph), Jennifer Lopez, Jay-Z, Leonardo DiCaprio (wearing a White Sox cap), John Cusack (also wearing a White Sox cap), Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson, Denzel Washington, Matthew McConaughey, Will Ferrell (he's at that Bill Murray point in his fame now where he doesn't even do anything funny, and people still laugh hysterically), Jim Carrey (hair 15 years younger than his face) and Jenny McCarthy, Sacha Baron Cohen, Russell Crowe, Chris Tucker, Eva Longoria and Mario Lopez (hahahaha), Helen Mirren (sooo fuckable in white) and Taylor Hackford, John Madden, Luke Perry, Wyclef Jean, Kevin Dillon, Kevin Connolly (hey, he's short!), Dominic West (The Wire, so cool), Brian Grazer (I think/hope), Bob Saget, Ron Howard, Mary J. Blige, Michael J. Fox, Tom Jones, Charles Barkley, George Lopez, Charlie Sheen and the best of all, Tommy Lasorda laying off the lesbian porn for a few hours.

Maybe we've just succumbed to the Hallmark-backed brainwashing that reduces the populace to a bunch of joylessly romantic zombies drooling the brown juice of half-chewed chocolate down their slackened jaws each February 14, but we find ourselves completely unable to resist a good love story this morning. Over in Berlin, semi-mummified Viacom overlord Sumner Redstone briefly paused from describing his corporate empire's plans for an immediate takeover of all German media to once again share the depth of his feelings for his kept Paramount man, Brad Grey, in whose warm embrace Redstone plans to spend the rest of his (neverending) days. From an interview in THR:

THR: Paramount didn't have a great year last year ... Redstone: Paramount is in a major turnaround right now. "Dreamgirls" has been nominated for eight Academy Awards. "Babel" has been nominated for (seven), including best picture. Steven Spielberg has a picture coming, "Transformers." I've seen part of it, it is fantastic. "Norbit" opened to $34 million on its first weekend. You will see us rising from the bottom to the top or very near the top in the first six months of this year. We have a great leader in (Paramount Pictures CEO) Brad Grey.

We think he is doing just about all the right things. Before I came to Germany, I saw him in London at the BAFTAS, where several of our pictures were nominated. He's a great leader. I've always said what makes a difference between the winners and the losers is what management brings to the assets. And I believe we have the best management possible at Viacom, at CBS and at the studio.

A disarmingly giddy Redstone then revealed the special Valentine's Day surprises he arranged for his beloved studio chief, which involved a team of florists working all night to fill Grey's office from floor to ceiling in delicate rose petals, and a planned lunchtime serenade involving hundreds of Paramount employees gathering under their boss's window to croon "Unchained Melody," the pair's favorite song.

• Redstone: Par ready for comeback [THR]
• Previously: Gail BermanWatch: Berman Gone, Won't Be Replaced; Brad Grey Given Lifetime Appointment [Defamer]

To quickly review the grand mal seizures that rocked Paramount's executive ranks yesterday: Not only is Paramount Pictures president Gail Berman out (as is co-president of production Alli Shearmur), but after failing to reach terms with the guy from the Water Tower Cafe on a deal to replace Berman, studio emperor Brad Grey has decided to eliminate her position entirely, preferring a "label strategy" of organization, in which every Paramount employee will provide Grey with an in-person, ten-second update on his day's work at the close of business each evening. With all the upheaval in his moviemaking fiefdom yesterday, wizened Viacom corporate overlord Sumner Redstone took a moment to give Grey, whose job security has often been questioned during his tenure atop the 'Mount, an unequivocal vote of confidence following his personnel moves:

"If Brad decided [Berman] was not for Paramount, then Brad was right," he said in an interview. "Brad's the boss, and I have total confidence in his decisions."

Redstone declined to comment when asked what Berman's exit settlement would cost Viacom.

"I have no idea what arrangements will be made between Gail, Brad and Paramount," he said.

Redstone added that he was feeling "very, very bullish" on Paramount these days: "Paramount is on a real roll. I believe in the first six months of this year, we'll go from the bottom to No. 1." [...]

As for nagging speculation that Snider could one day replace Grey, Redstone, 83, said, "I have no reason to believe that Brad will ever be gone as long as I'm alive — and I expect to be here for 50 more years."

This expression of support is even more impressive than it initially sounds; Redstone's pledge to keep Grey on for the duration of his stay on the Earthly plane (he cites the 50 years figure so as not to alarm the public with the fact that he will never actually die) is nothing short of a an invitation to drink of the immortality-granting chalice he stole "from some hippie a long, long time ago" and help Redstone rule his multimedia kingdom for Eternity.

• Paramount says it will not replace Berman [LAT]

Even though superannuated Viacom despot Sumner Redstone publicly reacted with the obligatory, magnanimous statement "(I wish Tom and his associates the greatest good fortune in their venture.") in reaction to yesterday's news that former moviemaking associate Tom Cruise is shacking up with MGM to revive United Artists, privately, he probably spent the day angrily commanding various abled-bodied minions to overturn heavy office furniture on his enraged behalf, berating his underling's utter failure to follow his orders to have Cruise placed on an ice floe and floated out into the ocean, eliminating the possibility that he'd ever work in the entertainment industry again. But for at least a few precious moments yesterday, Redstone was able to take some solace in the fact that he has at least one employee he can count on:

"I could not be any more pleased with everything that Les and his team have achieved," Redstone, who is chairman and controlling shareholder of both Viacom and CBS, gushed to Wall Street analysts yesterday on a conference call to discuss CBS' quarterly results. "In Les we have the best executive in the media industry."

"Les would do anything for the company," continued Redstone, his voice softening. "Just a few moments ago, after we found out about this United Artists business, my little Les asked if I wanted him to 'take care of the Cruise situation' for me. I told him that was very sweet of him to offer, but I was happy for him to just hold me in his strong arms and tell me that everything was going to be OK. That's what superior media executives do."

• SUMNER'S OVER THE MOONVES FOR LES [NY Post]

"Paula, like women everywhere, had come to hate him. The truth of the matter is, I did listen to her . . ." Redstone says. "His behavior was entirely unacceptable to Paula and to the rest of the world. He just didn't turn one [woman] off. He turned off all women, and a lot of men."

Redstone estimates that Cruise's antics - acting wacky, ripping into psychiatry, firing his professional publicist - were the key elements in the star's downfall: "When did I decide [to fire him]? I don't know. When he was on the 'Today' show? When he was jumping on a couch at 'Oprah'? He changed his handler, you know, to his sister [LeAnne Devette] - not a good idea." [...]

Redstone estimates that Cruise's bizarre behavior cost Paramount "$100 million, $150 million on 'Mission: Impossible III.' It was the best picture of the three, and it did the worst." He isn't sorry he embarrassed Cruise publicly: "The explosion was good. It sent a message to the rest of the world that the time of the big star getting all this money is over. And it is! I would like to think that what I did, or what we did, has had a salutary effect on the rest of the industry."

Perhaps Redstone allowed himself to get a little caught up in yet another moment of airing his thoughts on the Cruise menace, clenching a liver-spotted, veiny fist, waving it in front of him, and promising to "sock that little punk in the jaw the next time I see him, on behalf of all the studios sick and tired of having their profit margins destroyed by runaway talent costs." He then momentarily softened, adding, "But don't get me wrong—we'd work with him again if we found a project that made sense. We're still showbiz friends."

• REDSTONE UNLOADS ON CRUISE [Page Six]

Grey, who was speaking to a gathering of media and technology execs, said Par had considered two options when Cruise's producing pact came up for renewal.

The first was to "reduce the capital we were putting in so dramatically that it wouldn't have made sense for Tom to keep it," Grey said. Such a readjustment "would've changed the ceiling for all top talent deals."

The second option was not to reach an agreement. When it became clear, in late August, that the two parties would choose door No. 2, Redstone spilled the beans.

"Was it as elegant as I would've wanted it to be? No. Was it more personal? Yes," Grey said. "Sumner Redstone is Sumner Redstone. He's a maverick.

"Tom Cruise is my friend — my showbiz friend — and he is an extraordinary actor, and he will be wildly successful in the future," Grey said. "However, the economics have to make sense. You have to get value for the capital you're spending."

That's a good deal more than he's ever shared publicly about the incident, having until now offered only a sound-blip about how Paramount "should be defined by our pictures, not by our process." Clearly, some distance from the messy events—not to mention having survived the summer movie season with his neck intact—has freed Grey up to say what really was expressed in all those hushed tête-à-têtes, midnight board meetings, and countless paper-airplane-messages reading, "Let's shitcan that overpaid Martian!" that came sailing out from Redstone's office in the tense days leading up to the parting of the ways of the two longtime "showbiz friends."

• Tom toasted, Viacom roasted [Variety]

"I don't think there's anyone in this room today who feels Tom was treated fairly," News Corp. President Peter Chernin told a crowd that included media and entertainment bigs like Rupert Murdoch, Edgar Bronfman Jr., Doug Morris, Harvey Weinstein, Ahmet Ertegun and John Sykes. "There's no doubt in my mind that Tom's continued success will haunt Viacom for years to come."

Pause. "But enough about Tom Cruise," said Chernin, firing up the rotisserie. "We're here to talk about Tom Freston, and Tom Freston is an a-hole. ... How can you roast someone who's already toast?

"I can only imagine how tough it must have been for Tom to be screwed over by a guy [Redstone] so old that he had to take a little blue pill to do it."

Making note of Freston's corporate rival Les Moonves (who made nice with Freston at the lunch), Chernin added that MTV, the network Freston founded, "now officially stands for 'Moonves Takes Viacom.'"

Whoever writes Chernin's material, a tip of the hat: sounds like he killed. (By contrast, we don't know how Stephen Colbert's Spongebob Squarepants/cheese grater joke went over, but on paper...yeesh.) And while we have no doubt that Les Moonves will have his revenge—we all know he can't resist a good, public flogging—for now, he'll have to put the exact wording and venue of his inevitable verbal takedown on the backburner, and return to his regularly scheduled duties of applying massage oils to the Stegosaurus-like ridges of Redstone's back whilst whispering Iagoesque consultations into his corporate overlord's ear.

• Axed exec the roast of the town [NY Daily News]

Ron Meyer, a softspoken man, who didn't even have a bad word for his former partner, the exiled Mike Ovitz, took the Methuselan Sumner Redstone to task for his spasmodic corporate governance with a well-delivered bitchslap, saying:

"I think the Tom Cruise thing was handled poorly ... to make a statement — for Sumner Redstone — that Tom Cruise is not the type of person that (Paramount) wants to be in business with ... frankly, I don't understand it."

Ka-pow! And all the Frestonians, to be sure, sprayed hot tears of mirth. Then, rebounding the bitchslap with backhand, Ron Meyers [sic] added, "Being an asshole doesn't get you results."

Once Meyer's cutting remarks were relayed to the senescent Viacom overlord by his staff of television-transcription scribes (he rarely watches the "devil's box" these days), it took his highest-level lieutenants the better part of the afternoon to explain to him that since Meyer is an employee of a different multimedia conglomerate, Redstone's demands that the "mouthy whippersnapper" be immediately terminated would be, at best, a purely symbolic move. And after two more hours of calming down their boss, he finally took off the table an offer that one of his minions "might find a little something extra in his paycheck if Meyer's car mysteriously explodes on the way home from work."

• Ron Meyer On Sumner: "Being an Asshole doesn't get you results" [The Corsair]
• Sunday Morning Shootout [AMCtv.com]

In today's spectacular calvacade of stars: Jack Nicholson; Aaron Sorkin; James Woods; Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, Minnie Driver, and George Lucas; Sumner Redstone, Brad Grey and Emeril Lagassi; Bruce Willis; Steve Carell; Michael Cera; Nicole Richie; Jules Asner and Steven Soderbergh; Jessica Simpson; Kurt Russell, Goldie Hawn, Val Kilmer, Garry Shandling and Tom Morello; Thomas Schlamme; Helen Mirren; Danny DeVito, Kirsten Dunst, Toni Collette; Elijah Wood; Johnny Galecki; an Olsen twin; Sandra Oh; Jeffrey Sebelia; Scott Wolf and Kelley Limp; Zach Braff; Wes Bentley and Carson Daly; Geoffrey Rush and Corey Haim; Mischa Barton; Jerry Stiller and Ann Meara; Peter Dinklage; Leslie Bibb; Slash and Stockard Channing; Charlotte Rae; Michael Bolton; Michael Emerson; Paris Latsis, Stavros Niarchos, Travis Barker and Fabio; Kevin Richardson; Mike "Boogie" Malin; Billy Connolly; Jeffrey Jones and John deLancie.

· Saw Jack Nicholson last night (10-8) walking out of the Grove theater around 7:30 p.m. No young slut(s) on his arm—he was alone. Perhaps he took in the 5:30 p.m. showing of "The Departed?" Always nice to see your own head projected on a massive screen.

· OK, I've held this back, but with all the Sorkin references lately... A couple of months ago, I was in first on a Continental flight from Newark to LAX. Having been a former NBC exec, I knew it was Aaron Sorkin sitting ahead of me, and quietly mentioned so to my wife, who's a big fan. But then, he started laughing, shockingly hard, at the movie, which was "Ice Age the Meltdown." And I told her that I must be mistaken, as we all know comedy writers might quietly say "that's funny," assuming it was, and I'm assuming this film wasn't, but loud guffaws? Since seeing all the publicity photos, it's now clear that I was right — it was him. Maybe he can move onto wacky talking animal animation when Studio 60 gets 86'd.

Oh yeah. And James Woods looking bored also at the Grove eating dinner with some blonde at that lame restaurant across from the theater.

· Last night (Sunday 10/8) saw Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, Minnie Driver, and The Grizzled One (George Lucas) at the Grove. Minnie Driver and Mandy Moore were in line at the Mexican place at the Farmers Market. Minnie was wearing this stripey black and white top with jeans tucked into boots and this light blue cashmere throw. She was there with another English girl, and a guy. Minnie was very conspicuous and was telling some story about some fan who came up to her and couldn't get her name right, and she kept saying "Its Minnie." Mandy Moore was in line with this nebbishy looking guy, but they looked to be friends. No canoodling to speak of. We saw Lindsay at the 10:30 showing of "The Departed." She was rocking an Elvira/Leather Daddy look. Black leggings, black leather jacket, long black hair and pale skin. There was nothing notable. We shared a brief moment in which we made eye contact with my eyes saying "Lindsay? Is it really you?" And her eyes saying "Yup, lets not make a thing out of it. Just a normal night, wearing some leather daddy outfit. Its cool." And then finally, we spotted The Grizzled One walking towards the parking garage, by that fake Paris bistro part of the Grove. He was walking hurriedly, and then just as he was about to get on the elevator, this dude called out his name and started following him.

· Sumner Redstone & wife with his pet midget, Brad Grey:

Just as I was walking into the Grill On The Alley, coming right at me is the God Emperor of Viacom with wife in tow.

Where it came from, I don't know, but I just said in the most jovial of tones, "Hi Sumner!" which he replied probably equally as impressed that a tiny piss ant like myself would even speak to him. Seemed like a really nice man, and common sense got the best of me from saying, "Way to fire that faggot! Good job!"

I was so busy admiring Sumner's dye job that Brad Grey, whom Sumner was obviously dining with, slipped by behind him. I didn't even see him, he's that small. They weren't ten feet past me when my friend told me I almost stepped on Brad, he's that small, and I'm only 5' 8"!

Ten minutes later, Emeril Lagassi came walking into the restaurant with his entourage.

He looked like he was ready to fall asleep into his Oysters on the half shell and what looked like soft peel shrimp. I wanted to go over to the table and scream, "wham!" and wake him up, just like he does every time I 'm napping during one of his segments on the Food Channel.

Thumbs up on The Grill though, a great place with great chow. Much better then Emeril could ever come-up with.

· 10/9 Saw Bruce Willis powering through the bread aisle at Bristol Farms on Beverly/Doheny, followed by some grungy-looking Cisco Adler type carrying his stuff. (Not sure Cisco Adler deserves boldface.)

· Michael Cera (George Michael from Arrested Devlopment) with his cute girlfriend at Detour last night.
Steve Carell (!!!!) at Gelson's in Studio City buying baby food and diapers Sunday at 6:30... had to gushingly tell him how much my boyfriend and I love everything he does- he was super nice!

· Two pretty good sigh