Hide the children and follow the jump to enter the frightening world of... the David Caruso Stalker Chronicles.

As recently as April, Austrian authorities were reportedly searching for an unnamed 41-year-old woman who skipped her trial on charges of stalking and threatening to kill Caruso and his "butt-ugly Latina whore" — generally believed to be his former TV wife Alana De La Garza. That was the last we heard of it before this week, when a subculture of stalker hunters leapt out of the woodwork and into our morning coffee. And they make the outlandish Marilyn Monroe collectibles circuit seem better-adjusted than a Honda:

Yesterday this site published the above photos of David Caruso's stalker, speculating that the photo on the left was indeed David Caruso's stalker. As predicted, when Gabriele Huber's Internet access became available in her spider hole, she went into triple overtime vehemently denying these images were her. Does that mean the woman posting the denials IS Caruso's stalker but the photos aren't? Huber also denied using the pseudonyms Vixen, Anonymous, and QB2die4 as well to post these denials. As Frank Tripp would say, honey that's a "felony stupid."

Er, right. Anyway, if you happen to see this woman bumping around Innsbruck, feel free to casually ask if she caught last week's CSI: Miami or if she knows where to find a good defense lawyer. Just in case, you know? Caruso's bullied, beleaguered crews are counting on you.

• The Stalker Chronicles

• Uma Thurman's Stalker Wooed Her With Doodled Harbingers Of Stick-Figure Doom [Defamer]

On the front was a dreamy pastel store-bought image of a small blonde girl, a spray of pink flowers and a dove...On the back was a crude pen and ink drawing of a male stick figure walking off the edge of an Acme razor blade into an open grave.

Though the years-old note had faded a bit, Thurman nervously recited the still-visible words attributed to the stick figure Jordan had drawn to represent her: "'Tee-hee." She continued with the spiral inscription, "'Chocolate, mouth, soft, kissing...' And then I saw this part: 'My hand should be on your body." Which was apparently when the alarm bells went off. And yet, the most disturbing part of the Times' report involves their borderline mean description of Uma's appearance: "haggard, pared-down...her golden hair was carelessly knotted...she wore no makeup and looked thin and hollow-eyed." How dare she! Apparently all celebrities should don designer duds and get their hair did a la J. Lo circa Diddy's gun scandal. We apologize to the Times on Thurman's behalf for not prepping red carpet-style for this "event."

• UMA THURMAN TELLS JURY OF MENACING NOTES FROM A FAN [NY Times]

Leatherman, who a sheriff's spokesman characterized as a "transient in the Santa Monica area," was brought in for investigation of stalking, violating a restraining order and petty theft, and was held at $150,000 bail. In the past, she has thrown missives accompanied by rocks and screwdrivers into Cusack's home, begging the question: Had Lloyd Dobler given Diane an aerial onslaught of tools instead of his heart, would he have gotten a trip to the pokey instead of a pen?

• Woman Arrested Near Cusack's Home [AP]

Dear Rachel Bilson, - m4w - 99 You practically raped me with your eyes at the gym the other day.

At first I thought, great another perv checkin' me out on the treadmill... then you follow me upstairs, and it just got ridiculous after that. If you're going to stare me down like that either grow some balls and say hi, or kill me, but don't be that creepy stalker chick who follows me around the gym and stares me down. Not cool.

Our advice to Bilson, should she be reading this, is to reject his options, as murdering the author, while putting an immediate end to both of your frustrations, could wind up having severe repercussions down the line. (Ditto growing a set of balls.) Instead, we'd simply suggest you refocus any energies expended lusting after your cardio-room crush back into your own exercise regime; you'll find after just a few weeks, the results will be spectacular enough to transform former stalkees into persistent stalkers, at which point you can post your own Missed Connections notice requesting they "find your sack already and choose the spinning cycle next to mine. It's not like you don't know I always sign up for #17!"

• Dear Rachel Bilson, - m4w - 99 [Craigslist]

• CELEBSLAM EXCLUSIVE: Conan O'Brien meets his stalker! [Celebslam]

"I want a public confession before I ever consider giving you absolution - or a spot on your couch," wrote the Rev. David Ajemian, who signed the notes "Padre," said Barbara Thompson, a spokeswoman for the Manhattan district attorney's office.

Court papers say Ajemian referred to himself as "your priest stalker" in one note and complained of not being allowed in to see an earlier taping of the O'Brien show.

"Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans?" the note said.

An even more chilling look into the Padre's mind can be found on The Smoking Gun, which has the criminal court order that led to his arrest, including this sample: "THIS IS YOUR PRIEST-STALKER AGAIN, THE ONE WHO HAS BEEN TRACKING YOU THROUGH SPACE AND TIME, FROM MATHER HOUSE TO ST. LAWRENCE TO THE MAJESTIC. I PAID $250 TO FLY DOWN TO NYC JUST TO HAVE A SPOT IN THE AUDIENCE, IN THE DIMMING HOPE THAT YOU MIGHT FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE ME...I'M TOLD BY SOME OF THOSE OFFICIOUS LITTLE USHER PEOPLE THAT YOU'RE OVERBOOKED AND TO GET THE *** OFF THE PREMISES!!!" Thankfully for all involved, even though the priest-stalker believed his brand of crazy couldn't be restrained by space and time, all it took was one uppity NBC page to foil the deranged cleric's plans to meet his favorite Boston Catholic-boy-made-good.

• Conan O'Brien's "Priest Stalker" Charged [CBS]
• Priest Arrested For Stalking Conan O'Brien [TSG]

Greetings, this is Dessarae Bradford author ofr [sic] the book Colin Farrell: A Dark Twitsted [sic] Puppy, and whom caused a stir on the Tonight Show With Jay Leno confronting Colin Farrell last July. I wanted all my friends in the media to be the first to get the update on what I have in store for you all this year.

First, since my departure from the spot light, I have been working on my album entitled: DESSARAE BRADFORD UNRESTRAINED which features my new rock metal, and hip hop songs " Poison Love" a rock ballet [sic?] and " Rage" a hard metal song that will be presenting first as a single. My "Rage" song targets the two most villianized [sic] figures of our time Osama Bin Laden and Oj Simpson.

Being that those two men are so deeply hated in our culture though for different reason, I decided to write a song in capsulatingt [sic] the hatred that alot [sic] feel for them. [...]

In the "RAGE" video that will be shot in early September, I stalk out Oj and Bin Laden look alikes and murder them during the video hardcore yet comicly [sic], while chanting the hook of the song "YOUR DEATH IS MY REWARD."

And that's just the beginning! The full release, published on Bradford's website, goes on to relay her plans to conquer every facet of the entertainment industry, not the least of which includes her first movie—a self-produced, semi-autobiographical erotic love story, working title, Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy - The Movie. It's certain to be the crowning jewel of the multimedia assault inspired by the vernal, canine mating habits of the Irish movie star.

• FIRST ANNOUNCEMENT [blessedadventurepub]

Actress Sandra Bullock on Friday won a three-year restraining order against a woman she said had tossed animal fur over her gate, left woven palm fronds in her yard and tried to run down her husband.

The "Miss Congeniality" star told a court in the Orange County city of Westminster that the woman, identified as Marcia Diana Valentine, had left the fronds, complete with "weird signs," and "pieces of animal fur" in her yard on five occasions.

Valentine, 45, from nearby Huntington Beach, was arrested last month on charges of trying to run down Bullock's motorcycle mogul husband, Jesse James, in front of the couple's house.

She has also been found on several occasions lying in front of the couple's garage door, yelling obscenities at James, Bullock's lawyer said.

Every stalker adheres to their own signature menu of sacramental offerings, and trying to assign any logical meaning to them is typically a fool's task. Still, we were duly impressed by the eclectic mix of palm fronds, animal skins, and "weird signs," leading us to hypothesize that if the couple hadn't been so hasty in chasing her from their property, perhaps they would have come to realize that these were simply the scattered elements of an exciting proposal soliciting a ground-floor investment in Ms. Valentine's new jungle-themed fur collection.

• Bullock gets order against female stalker [Reuters]

Jeff Goldblum won a permanent restraining order Wednesday against a woman he claims has stalked him for years and appeared outside his house numerous times.

The order issued by a Superior Court judge says Linda Ransom must stay at least 100 yards from the 54-year-old actor, his home, workplace and vehicle.

In court papers filed Feb. 7, Goldblum said he did not know the 44-year-old woman. He claimed she had visited his home more than 50 times in recent months in what he called an "escalating pattern of harassing, threatening, and stalking behavior" since 2001.

In a six-page declaration to the court, Ransom stated she met Goldblum in 1999 at an acting school where Goldblum teaches and talked to him about a screenplay she was working on. On several occasions, she said she went to city venues where he played with his jazz band.

Ransom said she made repeated visits to Goldblum's house to "support my efforts to complete my research and screenplay as accurate as possible."

Why Goldblum chose now to finally file for a restraining order is not entirely clear, though there have been whispers that his beloved pet rabbit had been discovered lying dead on his front step with two brass brads plunged into its eyes. Meanwhile, Ransom's screenplay, working title: How I Instantly Fell In Love With My Future Husband After Watching 'The Big Chill' 278 Times In A Row In The Theater, and All The Fun and Wonderful Times We Are Going To Have Together Once He Realizes We Were Fated To Be Together, Oh Yes, We Will, Mark My Words, has been making the agency and studio rounds, and despite some overly expository passages and on-the-nose characterizations, it's been largely well received as a fresh spin on the stale romcom format.

[Photo: AP]

• Woman ordered to stay away from Goldblum [USAToday/AP]

• Chat: Keep Away, Dessarae [CourtTV.com]

[T]he 31-year-old Bradford staged a circus-like press conference in front of the L.A. federal courthouse, announcing she's just filed another lawsuit against her target. "Not only am I suing him for slander but for stalking," she told half a dozen reporters. "It's affecting me." Bradford warned those present that if she didn't like what they wrote, she'd sue them, too. As for the Leno incident, she claimed: "My whole purpose was to get Colin Farrell served properly. ... I was intending to be a mini-diversion while my private investigator went up and served him. I never expected Jay Leno's security to step aside. They parted for me like the Red Sea." Bradford also handed out copies of her self-published book, "Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy."

An increasingly freaked out Farrell was granted a temporary restraining order on Friday, saying, "I am concerned for the safety of my family." Still, biblical references and paranoid persecution complexes aside, we'd say there's no need to be fearful of the glassy, far-away look in Bradford's eyes as she demands retribution. After all, she claimed to have fucked Alec Baldwin in his ass, an act that would inevitably create a stronger stalker/celebrity bond than mere phone sex, and she has yet to injure any members of his family.

• Caught in a vise? [NY Daily News]
• Colin Farrell: I Fear for My Family [People]

I was at the show with Doug to get Colin Farrell served for court before he left the country.

Tomorrow I will explain how my 1st process serving attempt at the Leno show toward colin farrell got botched and how I ended up on the stage confronting Colin and handing Jay and Colin a copy of my book "COLIN FARRELL: A DARK TWISTED PUPPY." Colin instantly reconized me. And his reaction was nothing like Colin Farrell's pr team is trying to spin it to be.

COLIN FARRELL'S REACTION TOWARD ME AND INTERACTION TOWARD ME IS EXTREAMELY SELF- INCRIMINATING ON COLIN FARRELL'S PART.

So much so that's why nbc has not released the tape of our interaction. [...]

COLIN FARRELL NEVER TOUCHED MY ELBOW AND SUMMONED GUARDS. [...]

I AM NOT STALKING COLIN FARRELL, I AM TOO SELF ABSORBED TO EVER STALK ANYONE.

It's all too typical that public sympathies would immediately fall towards the celebrity, as opposed to, say, the innocent victim charging at them during a TV interview and waving a copy of a self-published manuscript in their hands. Thanks to Bradford's reasoned, all-caps explanation of her side of events, however, we now know that since Farrell chose not to scamper under the desk to the safety of Jay Leno's legs, that the actor must indeed be guilty of the prurient charges.

[Photo: BoingBoing]

• 7/24/06 PRESS RELEASE UPDATE [blessedadventurepub]

Dessarae Bradford, alleged in a small-claims lawsuit that Farrell stalked her with inappropriate calls and text messages, but her lawsuit against Farrell was dismissed. [...]

According to other audience members, Bradford left a copy of her self-published book, "Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy," on Leno's desk.

According to a studio audience guest, Farrell calmly walked Bradford off stage and then, as she was escorted off the set, she shouted, "I'll see you in court" and Farrell retorted, "You're insane."

It's one thing to pimp your "I strapped on a dildo and plowed a major, male movie star" exclusive at a sex convention. But interrupting a Tonight Show interview breaches an unspoken line few celeb stalkers are willing to cross. Even the most shameless of psychotic delusionals know when to turn down the crazy, particularly if it might step on Jay Leno's carefully rehearsed banter about "the difference between Irish and American girls."

• Colin Farrell Confronted On 'Tonight Show' Stage [AccessHollywood.com]
• Woman Confronts Colin Farrell on Tonight Show [People.com]
• dessarae bradford [MySpace.com]

Leatherman, who has been staying with friends in Los Angeles, said she only sent Cusack two letters. She said they were to request that he use his celebrity status to urge police to investigate her belief that she was drugged and raped by several men in 2001. She said police have refused to take a report.

"I feel I've been set up to look like a stalker," said Leatherman, who must stay at least 500 feet from Cusack, his home, workplace, car and any company or office where he does business.

It's easy, of course, for the famous to allow their paranoid imaginations to run away from them, imbuing what might be just a heartfelt gesture with dark, possibly threatening undertones. Sometimes, however, a one-bedroom apartment converted into a celebrity-shrine-cum-crucifix-emporium is just that: a loving tribute from an appreciative fan, who only asks in return that you use your Hollywood Mind-Rays to telepathically explode the heads of their enemies.

• Woman Denies She Stalked Actor John Cusack [WashingtonPost.com/AP]

3. I live in a gated community in Malibu. Mr. Stansfield has come to my neighborhood on several occasions and left various papers in my mailbox. These papers related to Mr. Stansfield's attempts to work with me. I have no intention of working with Mr. Stansfield. [...]

5...I had hoped that Mr. Stansfield would stop harassing us. However, on September 7, 2005, Mr. Stansfield's attempts to confront me and my family escalated. On that day, Mr. Stansfield appeared at the school that my sons attend... At the time I went down to get Dylan, I saw Mr. Stansfield standing over Dylan and talking to him. When I went to get Dylan away from him, he began talking to me, explaining that he wanted me to stop working the [sic] "Stacked" and work on a movie with a script that he had written for me.

This just illustrates how crucial it is to go through the proper channels to approach a star with a project. If the poor guy had only sent an agent to menace Anderson's children until she read his script instead of doing it himself, we might be reading about a deal in Variety instead of in court papers. After all, it's not like his work could've been any worse than an episode of Stacked, even if he wrote it entirely on a roll of toilet paper stolen from a gas station bathroom.

• Pamela Anderson Targets Stalker [The Smoking Gun]
• Previously: Missed Connections: Jennifer Aniston And Her Stalker

Of course, should Orlando Bloom ever decide to break into Aniston's Malibu pad and breathe deeply from the bouquet of her underwear drawer, no one will suspect him. The perfect crime!

[Go here and scroll down about a bit to see the story, but it will probably be corrected shortly.]

• Alleged Trespasser Enters Aniston's Home [AP]