David Caruso Apparently Just Moody Because of His Fugitive Austrian Stalker

Scratch an egomaniac and you're sure to find a sensitive soul just a sincere hug or two away from a healthy, humanitarian lifestyle. At least that's our read on ginger terror David Caruso, whose tyranny on the set of CSI: Miami can only come from a place of haunted concern for something larger than himself — say, perhaps, upholding the dramatic tradition of sunglasses-removal, or, if we are to believe the civilian investigation to which we were tipped this morning, the whereabouts of a fugitive stalking suspect he (and reportedly the FBI) might prefer to see located sooner than later.

Hide the children and follow the jump to enter the frightening world of... the David Caruso Stalker Chronicles.

After reading the vivid description of a greeting card plucked from the "Friendship - Stalked Actress" section of his local Hallmark store and presented by noted creep Jack Jordan to Uma Thurman on the steps of her My Super Ex-Girlfriend trailer, all we wanted was to catch a glimpse of the heavily-doodled correspondence. Sadly, none seemed to exist. No matter: We simply asked the talented team over at Defamer's Evidence-Recreation Dept. to whip us up this stunning facsimile, based upon Thurman's detailed testimony. We think you'll find it a satisfactory approximation of the original, down to the last ACME razor blade and "tee-hee."

• Uma Thurman's Stalker Wooed Her With Doodled Harbingers Of Stick-Figure Doom [Defamer]

Uma Thurman's Stalker Wooed Her With Doodled Harbingers Of Stick-Figure Doom

On the front was a dreamy pastel store-bought image of a small blonde girl, a spray of pink flowers and a dove...On the back was a crude pen and ink drawing of a male stick figure walking off the edge of an Acme razor blade into an open grave.

John Cusack Rebuffs Fan's Attempts To Touch His Light, Heat

"Misunderstood" John Cusack fan Emily Leatherman was arrested Sunday outside the actor's home for violating the restraining order Cusack obtained in 2006 that stipulated she stay at least 500 feet away from him. Leatherman, who at the time explained that her actions were less about stalking Cusack and more about seeking his help to convince the police they should investigate her claim that she was drugged and raped in 2001, had taken a cab to Cusack's but couldn't pay the fare — a rom-com set-up if we ever saw one! But instead of covering the charge and then having Leatherman pay him back over a lengthy period of time (during which their improbable encounter would surely blossom into love and a satisfying marriage held in a taxi), the actor flagged down cops who had responded to the situation and told them the following: bitch crazy!

Craigslist Stalking Victim Asks Rachel Bilson To Shit Or Get Off The Pot

While we usually delight in using this space to bring people together, Defamer Connections is occasionally called upon to step in and lend a hand in prying a stalker and their celebrity prey apart. Never, though, have we encountered an instance like the following—a curious reversal of the traditional male/female, celeb/stalker dynamics, in which a local gymgoer has turned to the Craigslist Bureau of Ships in the Night to address heightening concerns over the hungry eyes of Rachel "Formerly of The O.C., Tomorrow, Who Knows?" Bilson. The posting:

Dear Rachel Bilson, - m4w - 99 You practically raped me with your eyes at the gym the other day.

Conan O'Brien Enjoys A Friendly Cocktail WIth His Stalker-Priest

The Celebslam blog has photos of a cocktail party meeting between Conan O'Brien and his "stalker priest" taking place last year, in which the Conan-obsessed cleric bent space and time to share a martini with the object of his schizophrenia-enhanced affection. Given that the two men once enjoyed an apparently congenial face-to-face meeting, the Padre's later correspondence about his failure to receive VIP treatment from a Late Night usher when he sought to reconnect with his new best friend seems somewhat less unreasonable—though, in fairness, we must admit that the angle of the photo prevents us from determining if O'Brien's eyes reveal any discomfort about being pitched an idea that the Masturbating Bear character would be much funnier if he wore a priest's collar.

• CELEBSLAM EXCLUSIVE: Conan O'Brien meets his stalker! [Celebslam]

Conan O'Brien Mistaken For Oversized Altar Boy, Stalked By Boston Priest

Completing a rite of passage that all late-night talk show hosts must eventually endure as their careers progress—something about the combination of a darkened room, the midnight hour, and a flickering TV screen seem to create unhealthy comedian/schizophrenic attachments—Conan O'Brien has earned the stalky affections of a Catholic priest from Boston, who was arrested in NY last Friday after sending unhinged letters on parish letterhead, threatening O'Brien's parents, and trying to crash a taping of his favorite show:

"I want a public confession before I ever consider giving you absolution - or a spot on your couch," wrote the Rev. David Ajemian, who signed the notes "Padre," said Barbara Thompson, a spokeswoman for the Manhattan district attorney's office.

If you, like us, have at times found yourself wondering what ever happened to Dessarae Bradford, author of I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass (a Quality Paperback Bookclub Selection of the Month™!), guerrilla ambusher of Tonight Show appearances, and, with the recent publication of Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy, quickly becoming one of the most prolific celebrity-stalking fruitcake authoresses in recent history—well, then, this is your lucky day. A press release has landed in our inbox from Dessarae herself, updating us to the various exciting projects in development at her production company, based out of an air conditioning exhaust vent behind the 99¢ Only store at Wilshire and Fairfax. A mere taste:

Overly Enthused Fan Ordered To Keep Her Deadly Mercedes Away From The Bullocks

Jeff Goldblum's Screenwriting Stalker Just Wanted To Get Her Details Right

Dessarae Bradford Addresses Your Stalking Questions At CourtTV.com

Dessarae Bradford Stays On Lunatic Message At Press Conference

Dessarae Bradford Wants World To Know She's The Stalking Victim Here

Colin Farrell Victim Of Crazy-Lady Ambush On 'Tonight Show'

Alleged John Cusack Stalker Insists She's Just Misunderstood Penpal

Pamela Anderson's Stalker Needs An Agent

Jennifer Aniston Has The World's Prettiest Stalker