· Sony marketing and distribution chairman Jeff Blake will stay with the studio through 2012, the last piece of a prized top-brass chess-set their Japanese overlords can place around a life-sized, Hollywood-themed game board until at at least 2011. [Variety]
· 21 writer Peter Steinfeld will turn to another odds-game scam story, adapting lottery scam memoir Money for Nothing for Warner Independent. [THR]
· DreamWorks has optioned five-part comic book series Atlantis, about malevolent aliens living in the deepest part of the oceans. (Isn't destroying the Earth kind of counterproductive in that case?) They'll tantalizingly dangle the property before Paramount execs, before cruelly snatching it away and snapping, "Not so fast, ex-Mrs. DreamWorks!" [THR]

Where could this money have gone? Perhaps it slipped into the budget for series development at Fox, and they are currently brainstorming a primetime cross between Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader and Cops. Or maybe it went to the Brian Dunkleman Fund for out-of-work comedians. The public won't know for sure until the end of May, when the government - which is currently auditing the accounting of last year's "Idol Gives Back" - forces them to release their records. (Although we hear the Feds have requested that some records never be released: Specifically, those of Amanda Overmyer and Ramiele Malubay.)

Nevermind that Fox has the most valuable ad space in primetime. Or that they charge $1 per text vote, which by my math - and I only got a perfect score on the SAT math, so don't hold me to this - means they "raise" about $100 million every three weeks for their own pockets. This week, as you sit on your couch and enjoy the roller coaster of emotion and gutteral reactions that is "Idol Gives Back" ("Fergie and Heart are nailing Barracuda... Oh my god, are flies coming out of that kid's eye... Rihanna looks so pretty in her fancy dress... Is that a woman actually drowning in Hurricane Katrina?") just know this: You can sit back and feel good, knowing that your charitable contribution is definitely helping the needy. Just maybe not as much as Fox would like you to think.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Where 'Idol's' Charitable Arm Reaches

"I've never had any work done. I've had a facial or two because I've got to get that makeup out of my pores. Otherwise, I'll look like Pizza Face."

We kid! Certainly there's more to ruling the world than facials, right? As Seacrest himself puts it, "I knew exactly what my path was when I was 9 years old...I knew there'd be about 3 million steps, but I also knew I had to get through them." But how do his idols feel about their replacement? According to Regis Philbin, it was the matter of being the right person at the right time. Then there's the fact that Seacrest has informed The Washington Post that he intends on taking over for Larry King once he, uh, "goes." And fellow talk show host Craig Ferguson has his own opinions on the Seacrest sensation: "Ryan admitted that he cried at Eva Longoria Parker's wedding...Hang in there, Ryan. Someday you'll find someone just like Tony."

But despite all the insults, jabs and jeers from Cowell three nights a week, Ryan's massive success is becoming less and less mockable. Why? He's got cash — LOTS of cash. He takes in $12 mill annually from hosting Idol and he recently inked a 3 year deal with the notorious cheapskates at E! for $21 mill. Now add his (undisclosed) income from radio shows, his clothing line, and endless endorsement deals, and you're looking at a guy who's made a fortune based on good manicures, sexual ambiguity, and a mouth so chatty he really does give Larry a run for his money. If only he could manage to explain that whole "flu" fiasco at this year's Golden Globes, we'd forgo our years of player-hatin' and crown him king.

• THE MAN, THE BRAND, THE PLAN TO RULE TV [Washington Post]
• RYAN SEACREST INC.[Nikki Finke]

· Competitors will not only have to outplay the Gladiators, but also demonstrate that they possess an innate, star-making quality, which Cowell calls the "G-Force." Otherwise, as he puts it, "I think to myself, 'So what?' I could see that kind of foam-baton jousting match on virtually any cruise deck in the Mediterranean."
· In the final event, The Paulanator, competitors will be required to transport a slack, comatose Paula Abdul through a challenging gauntlet, up a backwards-moving conveyor belt, and finally toss the singer's dead weight into a pool of ice water in the hopes of reviving her. Should she lose her weave at any point in the course, a five second penalty will be automatically dispensed.

• Cowell is ITV's new Gladiator [thesun.co.uk]

It's hard to believe, but before Simon Cowell arrived on our shores to douse the dreams of a generation of deeply deluded underachievers, the STG was a practically nonexistent entity on the pop-culture landscape. Thanks to Idol, however, we can regularly familiarize ourselves with these lovable heartland outcasts during their unspoiled formative years—before they come of age, depart their dead-end towns for gay-friendly metropolitan centers, then monopolize all the retail jobs and gym equipment within a 40-mile-radius. So to every STG with a Kelly Clarkson song in his heart and a dream, we salute you. Gay on, our gay brothers.

• americanidol.com

I clean the house yesterday and I find la crema of odour genitales Nodoro, at the Simon Cawell house from Americano Idol. He not a nice man, so I was laughing so hard!!! ;P

I help clean temporary many different house. This house is [redacted] en Beverly Hills. Please you cannot say my name. Gracias, [Redacted].

Having been unfamiliar with the ball-stench-combatting properties of miracle ointment NodorO™, we didn't immediately know what our tipster was referring to. Luckily, after conferring with a highly placed Defamer operative well-versed in the condition, we were guided to their website. That we learned there of the product's heavy sponsorship of Howard Stern's show, however, did little to convince us of the authenticity of our helpful, Defamer-savvy housekeeper. Still, if there was even a slim chance that the acerbic Idol judge—whose balls we always imagined to smell of an intoxicating mixture of juniper berries and talc—is or has ever suffered from embarrassing nutstink, we were relieved to learn he can now lead a healthy and fulfilling existence thanks to NodorO™.

"Extra" went straight to the source, and the TV mogul told us he was actually sick.

Simon was laid up for four days and didn't pull a "Britney-type hissy fit," adding, "For the first time in six years, I called in sick."

Keep in mind, this is coming from a man who attended the mixing sessions for Ruben Studdard's debut album, so save your baseless accusations of malingering. Simon Cowell is likely recuperating with plenty of rest, vitamin C, and the smooth drag of a menthol cigarette, the medicine of choice for England's elite and this country's working poor.

• Simon Cowell Denies Throwing a Fit at Photoshoot [Extra]

"Ryan Seacrest is known and loved by television audiences around the world," Fox alternative entertainment prexy Mike Darnell said. "His work on 'American Idol' is unparalleled in the industry. He's a consummate host of major live broadcast events and a proven talent who always makes it look easy, which makes him the perfect choice for this year's Emmy telecast."

"This year's show will be different in a number of ways," [executive producer Ken Ehrlich] said, calling the host "a perfect match for some of the innovative things we have planned."

With both Seacrest and Fox's Minister of Alternative Programming Evil on board, it seems all but inevitable that many of these "innovative things" will be borrowed from the Idol formula; the evening's most poignant moment will come when Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series loser Charlie Sheen, weeping uncontrollably after Simon Cowell's withering appraisal of his Two and Half Men Work ("Perhaps we'd finally see some chemistry if Jon Cryer were forced to wear a cheerleader outfit each week?"), regains his composure after Paula Abdul delivers an incomprehensible, five-minute soliloquy comparing the actor to a beautiful butterfly she may have hallucinated earlier that morning.

Bonus: A fan on an MSN Idol message board offers a producer's mock-up showing an early vision of how Seacrest and Cowell will make their grand entrance at the ceremony.

• Seacrest to host Emmys [Variety]

When she finally made it into the audition room, the ambitious performer admitted that her right hand was shaking as she grasped her bulging belly but continued to belt out tunes.

"I gave it my all through the contractions. They were back to back and getting harder and harder but I was more than willing to have my baby right there," Gillon said. "I wasn't leaving without my golden ticket to the next round."

After finally hearing that she was still in the running to be the next "American Idol," the young mom was taken to the Medical Center at Lancaster, where she gave birth to a healthy son — whom she named Jamil Labarron Idol McCowan.

Not only did Gillon manage to sing well enough to advance to the next round, but she also gamely weathered the sometimes blistering critiques of the judges—Randy Jackson found her cervical dilation to be "pitchy in spots, dawg," while Simon Cowell noted her water-breaking to be "absolutely ghastly,"—before finally collecting her golden ticket and rushing to the hospital, only to find herself barred from exit by the always-funny "other door" gag that has confounded so many past contestants.

• 'American Idol' Contestant Auditions While She's in Labor [FoxNews.com]

In the interest of providing some closure for yesterday's controversy over the meaning of American Idol judge Simon Cowell's much-disputed eye-roll, we feel it's our responsibility to spotlight this follow-up clip from last night's broadcast, in which an entire segment was dedicated to exonerating Cowell of all charges of insensitivity levied against him by the sensationalist media. As anyone can clearly see in the pciture-in-picture replay [Ed.note—But where are the synchronized timecodes?] of the incident (the impatient can skip directly to the 2:48 mark), the innocent host was lost in conversation with the fascinating Paula Abdul and thereby unable to offer any outrage-inviting reactions to the contestant Chris Richardson's tribute to the Virgina Tech fallen.

We now return you to the uncontrollable wailing, gnashing of teeth, and cursing of your Maker resutling from Sanjaya's removal from the Idol competition.

• Top 07 Results part 1 - Simon's apologies [YouTube]
• Previously: Simon Cowell Explains The Eye-Roll [Defamer]

Famously sympathetic and non-controversial American Idol judge Simon Cowell sought out on-air sparring partner Ryan Seacrest on his radio show this morning to explain an ill-timed eye-roll that some people—we'd never make that leap, of course—may have uncharitably interpreted as an exasperated dismissal of contestant Chris Richardson's expression of sympathy over Monday's horrific Virgina Tech massacre. Cowell claimed to not even have heard the remark to which he was allegedly reacting, so enthralled was he by reliably insightful co-host Paula Abdul's thoughts on Richardson's explanation of his intentional use of the nasally upper registers of his singing voice. We feel it's our responsibility to pass along the above clip of the incident, allowing you to form your own judgments about a controversy threatening to tear apart a grieving Nation.

• Simon Cowell Rolls Eyes After Virginia Tech Tribute [YouTube]
• Cowell Denies Disrespecting Va. Tech [Breitbart]

We realize many of you lead busy and somewhat fulfilling lives, and, despite how much you might have wanted to, that it was simply unrealistic to drop everything in order to attend Madame Tussauds Las Vegas's premiere of their brand new wax likenesses of Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell. This gallery of photos from the event, however, provides the next best thing to being among the first to witness the unveiling of the greatest single paraffin-related endeavor for the American Idol stars since the two celebrated the premiere of their blockbuster show's sixth season by booking themselves into the W's Bliss Spa for a day of full-body depilation and pampering.

• Wax Tracks: Madame Tussauds Las Vegas Unveils Interactive American Idol Experience [VegasPop]