Defamer: Short Ends

Dangerous Pant- And Tree-Snakes Abound In Best Porn Intro Ever!

Seth — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 19:00:00 PDT

· You'll likely have many questions after watching the Best Porn Intro Ever. We'll likely not have answers. Still, that doesn't detract from the fact that this is, without a doubt, the best. Porn. Intro. Ever. [YouTube]
· Mark Burnett is being sued for $70 million by Mr. Drummond. Oh wait—that's Conrad Bain. Never mind. [ABCNews.com]
· Ladies and gentlemen: We proudly present the shirtless, out-of-work bartenders who'll be standing around a kitchen island saying racist things on this summer's tenth edition of Big Brother! [Yahoo]
· Something about Madonna's return to gossip bad-girl status has sent her running back into the arms of her former stunt-lesbian tonsil-field-hockey-partner, Britney Spears, for comfort. Britney got a job out of it. [CNN]
· OMGZ! Some of David Lynch's favorite restaurants are some of our favorite restaurants! (Actually we're only sort of feigning surprise. We've seen him sitting outside Figaro about 12 zillion times.) [LAT]
· And finally, a hearty congratulations to our own videostronomer Molly McAleer, named by Urlesque as one of 20 "Bloggers We Want To See In Bikinis." It's her two-piece-rocking world. We just live in it. [Urlesque]

Ali Lohan Zit Crisis Exclusive!

Seth — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 18:30:58 PDT

· We're thrilled to see that E! is perfectly prepared to throw their First Family of Reality under the bus if it means getting a pretty inspired sketch on the air. [Chelsea Lately]
· Nicole Kidman delivered a beautiful girl today named Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. Her birthing canal was then swiftly Botoxed back to its original state. [Reuters]
· When we heard the title, "Molly Ringwald on Molly Ringwald," we figured we were in for some brat-packer-themed porn (à la Pretty in the Pink). Sadly, there is no Molly-on-Molly action to be had here, but cheap thrills abound nonetheless. [LAT]
· Speaking of John Hughes heroines: Ever wonder what happened to Curly Sue? Wonder no more! [MySpace via Too Much Awesome]
· Hey, kids! What time is it?! [ffffound.com]

Happy Fourth On A Stick!

Seth — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:15:00 PDT

· Happy Fourth of July everyone! Here's some Midwest Americana goodness, deep-fried and skewered, the way it's served up best. [YouTube]
· Bozo is dead. Long live Bozo! [AP]
· "I'm Coyote Shivers: Rapist, kidnapper, and ex-husband of NCIS star Pauley Perrette. And this is my show." [starcrazytruestory]
· These are men who look like Zach Braff. Some more than others. [menwholooklikezachbraff.blogspot.com]
· Bert and Ernie get krunked up in this bitch. [YouTube]

Finally, A Superhero - American For The Rest Of Us

Seth — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:35:00 PDT

· P. Diddy couldn't be more excited about Hancock: the first legitimately mainstream black superhero! (Don't point out the drunken loutishness—he's happy as a motherfucker and we'd like him to stay that way.) [PaulScheer.com]
· "Angelina Jolie is way too thin to be an action hero!" says whoever ABCNews.com could find to offer a quote corroborating their Angelina Jolie-is-too-thin-to-be-an-action-hero story. [ABCNews.com]
· Take a tour of the insanely huge Brooklyn mansion Jennifer Connelly and Paul Bettany are leaving, and the insanely expensive TriBeCa loft they're moving into. [ONTD, The Real Estalker]
· Wesley Snipes can travel to London and Bangkok to shoot two movies while his Totally Insane Tax Avoidance Trial of the Century appeals are processed. [Yahoo/AP]
· Here's photo evidence of Brett Ratner holding one of his five Big Penises. [VMan]

The Bachelorette Is Even Dumber Than We Ever Imagined

Seth — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:10:00 PDT

· The Bachelorette producers must hate DeAnna Pappas. That's the only reason we can come up for airing this gag reel that reveals her softer belching and English-butchering sides. [The Bachelorette]
· Goldenfiddle compiles some of the best Wanted bad reviews into one hilariously satisfying read. [Goldenfiddle]
· This wound itself around the internets late last week—Jezebel ran a full transcript—but in case you haven't yet heard it, we now proudly present: The Douchiest Phone Message In History. (By the way, we have the perfect backup-Olga for you, Dmitri: DeAnna! She's Greek, too!) [Holytaco]
· The familiar punim of Rastajewian superstar Rogen graces the new Pineapple Express one-sheets. [TrailerAddict.com]
· And finally, we turn to the only man who can properly assess the Bear Freaking A Tree video currently eating the web alive: Defamer editor-at-large, Mark Lisanti. "Oh, my naive little friend: Clearly, once properly aroused by massaging his back on the tree, he's unleashing the full fury of his engorged bearcock on a quivering knothole. Sure, the splinters are a bitch, but such is the price of ursine erotic satsifaction." [Lisanti Quarterly]

Joy Behar Describes Sheri Shepard's Boobs: 'It Looks Like She's Carrying Luggage'

Mark Graham — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:30:00 PDT

· If the Mini-Me sex tape wasn't enough to convince you to abstain from sex for the rest of your life, this clip of The Ladies Of The View debating whether or not to go topless in Vegas likely will. [The View]
· Remember that scene in One Crazy Summer where Savage Steve Holland's "cute and fuzzy bunnies" turned into mass murdering psychos? Well, this is kind of like that, only for real. [Videogum]
· Has modern life killed the semi-colon? We're not sure ... but we do know that ellipses are more popular than ever... [Slate via Fimoculous]
· The naming rights for the historic Los Angeles Coliseum are for sale. Here's hoping Jumbo's Clown Room starts up a collection fund, 'cause that's one cause we'd totally contribute to. [LA Observed]
· The missing link between Kanye West and Gary Busey has finally been discovered. And that link is ... squid brains? [Detroit News]

This Is Hands Down The Lamest Commercial We Have Ever Seen

Seth — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:43:09 PDT

· And we love it! All together now: "My drain was clogged/Sink full of goo/It was fixed real fast/by ADEE do!" [adeedo.com]
· Slate's piece suggesting UA doctored a Tom Cruise photo to make him look more like his Hitler-hunting alter ego never factored in the possibility that they were actually looking at a different portrait of Claus von Stauffenberg. Score one for the good guys! [AP]
· "What do we want! Safer pole conditions and a bigger cut of the champagne room backend! When do we want it? As soon as our Spearmint Rhino set is up!" [Radar]
· Heather Locklear is seeking treatment for anxiety and depression. But she looks fabulous in a two-piece at 46! What hope do the rest of us have? [Reuters]
· Some robots get laid more than other robots. [YouTube]
· Bonus Link: Jack Stephan's spot after the jump!

Jack Stephan

Tyra Dedicates Her Emmy To All The Little Fat Asses Out There Who Made It Possible

Seth — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 18:50:18 PDT

· We defy you to watch Tyra Banks's Daytime Emmys acceptance speech for Best Talk Show (Informative) without getting a little bit moist-eyed. We especially liked her shout-out to Oprah, whose crown she's clearly claiming. You usurp, girl! [Tyra]
· Well, that was fun while it lasted: "This site has been closed. LucasFilm has asked us to remove this site. We have enjoyed seeing the tens of thousands of users over the past several days, and thank you for your interest." [StarWarsCrawl.com]
· Vassup! 105 people were invited to become voting members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, including Sacha Baron Cohen and Judd Apatow. [oscars.org]
· Dody Goodman, aka the fumbling Rydell High P.A.-system-xylophonist Blanche from Grease, also passed yesterday, at age 93. [USA Today]
· Heidi Montag has a single called "Fashion." It's the "greatest song of my life," says partner Spencer Pratt, who suffers from a rare neurological disorder which causes him to love the sound of a cat being cranked through a Vocoder-equipped meat grinder. [Us Magazine]

Whoopsi Goldberg Still Getting The Hang Of Correctly Identifying International Pop Sensations

Seth — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:15:00 PDT

· Do you mean to tell us that between the combined casts of The View and The Love Guru, no one has the balls or heart to break the news to the Whoopsters that Timberland is the ~~producer~~ outdoorswear company, Timberlake is the singer, and Timbaland is the producer? Ugh, never mind. We can't keep those three straight either. [The View]
·Mary Lynn Rajskub's prenatal cravings to put a .22 caliber bullet between your eyes are getting stronger than ever. [MySpace]
· First Joan Rivers is booted from British TV for throwing around a few colorful words, now Martha Stewart isn't even being allowed into the country. Last we checked, this was the nation ruled by Queen Elizabeth II, right? When did they suddenly lose their tolerance for a crusty old bag? [Yahoo]
· Non-SAG hamster needed. [Craigslist]
· Citibank filed suit against poor Ed McMahon, saying he owes then $180,000. That's in addition to the $750,000 he owes AmEx. This really has gone too far, and if no one else will do it, then we suppose that leaves it to us: Please join us for Live Ed, a weekend-long concert benefit outside Defamer HQ, including performances by Blinded by Thongs, and, um, well that's it so far. More confirmations as they come! [TMZ]

Dave Letterman Hasn't The Faintest Clue What It Is Jane Krakowski Is Talking About

Seth — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 18:15:04 PDT

· Wow—the backdoor compliments were really flying when Jane Krakowski took Letterman's couch last night, but luckily most of them flew over the talk show host's head. [Late Show]
· Behold: Today's unveiling of the massive Dave Beckham underwear ad on a San Francisco Macy's. If you think those bloodcurdling sounds at the beginning are bad, just wait until his Volkswagen-sized package is revealed. [YouTube]
· Speaking of which, we hear Will Smith has a similarly proportioned super-endowment in his new movie. [thelondonpaper.com]
· Robert Davis of Paste magazine and Sue Pierman of The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel are about to become the laughingstock of the terrible-Mike-Myers-movie-critiquing field. [Rotten Tomatoes]
·And finally: What the fuck is Mario Lopez's problem? No—like seriously. What is up with this dude? [Just Jared]

Today On 'Feeling Zoila': Giving Danks For Breakfast

Seth — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:30:29 PDT

· Forget gay marriage—we're waiting for domestic/employer marriages to be legalized, so that Flipping Out's Jeff Lewis can finally make an honest woman out of his frittata-serving lifemate, Zoila. [Bravo]
· Jerry Seinfeld's lawyers are now accusing cookbook author Missy Chase Lapine of craftily switching lawsuit terminology from "comedian" to "actor" to help her defamation case, which to us suggests they're getting desperate. [AP]
· Charlie Sheen feels just awful about using the N-word in some voicemails he left Denise Richards three years ago. He would also like to stress that that doesn't at all lessen his desire to see her nudged off the side of a hot air balloon basket. [ET Online]
·Ah, UTA Joblist, how far you've tumbled: Paradigm is now slumming it on Craigslist in search of assistants. [Craigslist]
· A moose head in your bed will be the least of your problems when you cross Canada's ruthless Salmon Mafia. [CNN]

Barbara Walters And Ellen DeGeneres Fondly Recall Their First Steamy Meeting

Seth — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 18:35:37 PDT

· We suppose deep down we always knew Barbara Walters slept with every one of her subjects, but some kind of psychic safety-net always omitted Ellen DeGeneres from that list. [Ellen]
· The Rocker trailer features more flying cymbals to the crotch per minute than any comedy in history! [Variety]
· Among the amazing revelations in this Lou Ferrigno interview: CBS changed Bruce Banner's name to David because they thought Bruce "sounded too gayish." [USA Today]
· Blinded By Thongs is now what we plan on calling that band we've been meaning to start since high school. [The Smoking Gun]
·"There's a SIG alert on the 405, apparently a multicar pileup caused by...this can't be right...Eddie Murphy's giant head?" [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

Snoopernanny

Seth — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:28:22 PDT

· Thanks to a visit from Snoop, Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson will never again have to second-guess the correct temperature for their baby's malt-liquor formula. [TRL]
· So according to Paris Las Vegas Rules, Lindsay, Samantha, and the Entourage boys count as a full house. [Gawker]
· We feel compelled to somehow touch upon last night's Tony Awards, so here's a gallery of stars in attendance. If Mandy Patinkin isn't playing Johannes Brahms in some musical, then we're concerned he might have let himself go. [bestweekever.tv]
· Martha Stewart has seen Paul Newman, and thinks he looks "a little thinner," but "absolutely fine," and his salad dressing, "tastes a little synthetic and chemically for my tastes." [ET Online]
·Goats for sale! Really, really weird looking goats for sale! [israelforum.com via BoingBoing]

Um, Has Anyone Seen Abigail Breslin's iPod Touch?

Seth — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:57:33 PDT

· Has anyone seen Abigail Breslin's iPod Touch? The fate of the dancing-around -in-front -of-the- mirror- to-David Cook future depends upon it! [Tonight Show]
· Mike Myers admitted he developed a "man-crush" on Speedo-rocking Justin Timberlake while shooting The Love Guru. We've had a lot of "man-crushes" too in our time, Mike, and we find the best way to handle them is to have "man-sex" with the object of your "man-desires." [Us Magazine]
· The only thing crazier than the fact that Prince just turned 50 is the fact that Dr. Phil scored an invitation to his birthday party. No, Prince. Just. No. [ET Online]
·Tony Romo says rumors Joe Simpson sits at the end of his bed offering subtle directing tips for making camera-friendly love to his daughter are totally "laughable.” [People]
· Remember when Juno was attacked by an Alien facesucker? Well she finally had the baby, and it's soooo cuuuuute!!! [dreadwhimsy.blogspot.com]

Dana Carvey Uses Career Hiatus To Add Another 700 Characters To His Repertoire

Seth — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 19:05:44 PDT

· Dana Carvey. 100 voices. One ten minute Tonight Show interview. And none are the Church Lady. The mind reels. [Tonight Show]
· Now that's romance—Siegfried brought Roy a bouquet of tiger cubs to cheer him up! [AP]
· Ain't no party like a teenage boy/38-year-old-woman shower orgy 'cause a teenage boy/38-year-old-woman shower orgy don't stop! [TSG]
·That "office freakout" YouTube video was just viral marketing for Wanted. We should have figured that out when the guy throwing the computer monitors around paused to draw a tattoo on the sexy part of his co-worker's back. [Wired]
·"Dr. Drew meant no harm to Mr. Cruise and apologizes if his comments were hurtful," Pinsky's rep said in a statement. We'll get to the bottom of this when we talk to Dr. Drew on his radio show tomorrow at 12:40 p.m. PST—1260 on your AM dial! [People]

Jay Leno Fully Supports Hairy British Comedian Russell Brand's Right To Marry

Seth — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:35:57 PDT

· Russell Brand contemplating the meaning of death on The Tonight Show is kind of like watching a debate about the existence of God between a Chinese Theater Johnny Depp impersonator and a St. Bernard. [Tonight Show]
· Judge Larry "Phil Spector Trial" Fidler flatly denies claims made at the end of Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired that he insisted the director's 1997 rape re-trial be televised. And for some light background reading material, The Smoking Gun brings us the original 1977 trial testimony. [Slate, TSG]
·The LAT's Sunday magazine staff are let go, with the paper's business department taking over operations—beginning with their ambitious relaunch issue, "Las Vegas: A Fabulous Place to Spend Some Weekend Dollars!!!" [editorandpublisher.com]
·We don't know about you, but there's been many a night when we could have used some tough-loving straight-talk from Emancipatia, the anti-drunk-dialing mammy thimble. Thank you for being a friend, Auntie Mance! (Scroll down.) [queserasera.org]

Carnie Wilson's War Unlikely To Overthrow Any Soviet Regimes

Seth — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:35:07 PDT

· Tyra dubs Carnie Wilson's tabloid-documented weight battles "Carnie Wilson's War," mainly because every paparazzi shot of her eating an ice cream cone also features Tom Hanks engaging in witty repartee from behind a highball glass. [Tyra Show]
· The Golden Girls (minus Estelle Getty) reunited last night for the TV Land Awards. You know which episode was on the other week that we had totally forgotten about? The one where Rose thinks she's HIV positive for 72 hours, and Sophia draws an "R" on her coffee mugs! [Mollygood]
· What Hollywood's Next A-list feature would be complete without James McAvoy's overexposed turtle-face? [EW.com]
·We've seen some sexist attacks on Sex and the City, but this clucking SATC slumber party takes the cake. That said, we watched it for way longer than was really necessary. [YTMND]
· The LAT visits the set of Bitch Slap, a C-movie production proudly keeping the Russ Meyer aesthetic alive. [Hollywood Backlot]
·2 Girls, 1 Cup, and 1 Birthday Cake that will probably yield a record amount of leftovers. (Caution: Contains convincing icing-simulated poo.) [flickr via B3TA]

Farmer Wants A Wife, Not A Toilet-Mouth

Seth — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 17:59:34 PDT

· Last night's Farmer Wants a Wife—which we're told actually exists and is not an elaborate 30 Rock joke—was the most! shocking! ever!, as contestant Ashley, a "catering sales manager," dropped a few f-bombs on the lonely Missouri field worker. (Who, it bears mentioning, we're almost positive we saw go-go dancing in nothing but a tuxSpeedo at last night's gay marriage rally at The Abbey). [The CW]
· We're going to go out on a limb and guess Ice-T is a breast-man. [flisted]
· Janice Dickinson's 8-week-old Chocolate Lab puppy is missing. Run, Hershey! Run! [TMZ]
· This is just a travesty: The Hockey Night in Canada theme is in jeopardy. Help us, Don Cherry. You're our only hope. [Reuters]
·Hey—Zebricorns! [greywolf]

David Letterman Rendered Uncomfortable By Julianne Moore's Casual References To Oral Sex

Seth — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 18:40:00 PDT

· Phew! For a second we were also worried Julianne Moore's young son would ask her what fellatio meant, and she'd have to go through the whole awkward rigamarole of telling him it's a character from Hamlet, and to ask his father for further details. [Late Show]
· Full House's Jodie Sweetin may have lost me to meth, but more importantly—how did she lose the baby weight?! [Dlisted]
· Ladies and gentlemen: Chace Crawford going down on a bottle of Bud. Yep, that's it. [Queerty]
· The guy who held up Sawyer and his wife at gunpoint in Hawaii was sentenced 13 to 30 years—unless he gets out first after Ben dislodges the Land-Mass-Disappearing Frozen Donkey Wheel of Doom and makes the prison disappear. [AP]
· X-Files: I Want To Believe just leaves us confused. Who's the guy with the stringy white hair in the trailer? Does Gillian Anderson's pregnancy figure in somehow? What's with the spotting on the poster? And finally, who greenlit this? [Yahoo Movies]

Interwebs Conspire To Prevent Amateur Pornographer Bill Shatner From Getting Laid

Seth — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 18:22:52 PDT

· In today's installment of Rambling Anecdote Theater, Captain Kirk answers a call to Playmate-snapping duty. [Tonight Show]
· Elizabeth Berkley has launched a website where teenage girls can write in for advice. Finally, a place that collects such nuggets of wisdom as this: "Just as Nomi, my character in Showgirls, gets turned on by things that challenge her or obstacles or other hurdles to overcome, those are things that I welcome and I love that." [ask-elizabeth.com]
· Hey, MTV Films: Could we interest you in our spec, The Two Davids: America's Idols? We already have some casting ideas. [Popwatch]
· Come on, ~~Chandler~~ Tempe, AZ voters: If you want change, choose Schmuck! This message approved by Team Schmuck. (Thanks, Dave.) [Defamer]
· Here's the good news: The Larchmont Crumbs opens Friday. Here's the better news: 1000 FREE CUPCAKES. Oh. Ma. Ga. [Eater LA]
· Run for your lives! The British Bachelor Giant will devour us all! [JustJared]

Andy Dick Completely Ruins Local Dog's Dinner Party

Seth — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:24:07 PDT

· The totally chill dog who threw this party is really regretting having invited Andy Dick. [TMZ]
· We take a moment to remember Bo Diddley. [NY Times]
· Also, the man who invented the Pringles can passed on. His family honored his wishes of having his delicious, salty remains placed inside one of his convenient snack-tubes for eternity. [Telegraph]
· In our wildest Stupid Celebrity Tattoo fantasies, nothing—and we really do mean nothing—ever prepared us for this. [ONTD]
· An utterly non-obligatory shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal photo. [WOW Report]
· Here's an insider's guide to spotting Photoshop trickery, using an American Idol promotional shot. Clue #1: Paula Abdul is successfully seated upright without the use of visible ropes or pullies. [sciam via BoingBoing]

Absolut Hunk Explains Why 'SATC' Tracks So Weakly On Mars

Seth — Thu, 29 May 2008 18:25:32 PDT

· Leave it to the unlikely arena of a TRL interview with Jason Lewis for a probing analysis of the lopsided gender-divide among SATC fans. (To Lewis's credit, he never once utters the phrase, "Cause they're, like, old and not hot.") [MTV]
· It's the Burn After Reading red band trailer! We think we just witnessed the Coens' greatest work since really-gay-sounding Anton Chigurh chilled us to the very core. [/Film]
· Celebrity Bogus-Rehab-Excuse Theater now continues with Steve Tyler's shocking admission that his recent stint was only to give his aching tootsies a chance to heal. Yeah, right. Maybe from the needle marks between their toes! [Reuters]
· All-purpose furry-footed fantasy creature James McAvoy is rumored to be favored for the lead in The Hobbit. [theonering.net]
· At celebtags.com, you look at a photo of a celebrity, then submit the first word or phrase that comes to your mind, then can glance at a tag cloud mapping what everyone else submitted. It sounds pointless, but it's kind of addictive. Look out for the billboard-sized word used to describe Sarah Jessica Parker. Meanies! [celeb tags]

From Chimpan-A To Chimpan-Z

Mark Graham — Wed, 28 May 2008 18:30:00 PDT

· There is no denying that chimpanzees have a proud tradition of cinematic excellence. From BJ And The Bear to Project X, the little rapscallions have earned their place as our favorite animal actors (especially since the bear species has proven themselves to be less than reliable). But as rad as it was when those chimps drove airplanes with Matty Broderick, it doesn't hold a candle to the utter domination of this little chimp playing Jenga on Japanese television. Yes, we said Jenga! [YouTube via AOTS]
· If you are offended by the sight of Robert Downey in blackface in Tropic Thunder, wait til you get a load of an overweight Japanese guy in blackface pretending to be Stevie Wonder in this bizarre tribute to "We Are The World." [Gheorge: The Blog]
· In what will certainly go down as the worst atrocity to happen to the Batman franchise since Joel Schumacher got kicked to the curb, we are disappointed to report that The Dark Knight's got milk. [FilmDrunk]
· "Here’s a napkin someone wrote on for me: 'I will give you a blow job on your break, so sexy! Kim—714-XXX-XXXX.' I would also get offers from women in my ear: 'Anything you want, just find me.' I had a girl who had turned 18 the day before. She was with a high school group, and she wrote down her room number at the Downtown Disney hotel. I had a lady hump my leg one day in the park." Excerpts from Charlie Sheen's post-Denise diary? Nope. Just a day in the life of a Disneyland Jack Sparrow. [LA Mag]
· We're not quite sure exactly why every episode of Twin Peaks is available on CBS.com — considering the show aired on ABC — but that doesn't mean that we're not grateful. How's Annie? [CBS.com via Thighs Wide Shut]

'Ellen' Assistant Quits Job To Ride Rollercoasters

Mark Graham — Tue, 27 May 2008 18:20:00 PDT

· As anyone who has ever done it will attest, there are few feelings more liberating than quitting one's job. The following video is of an assistant on the Ellen show who found himself teetering on the brink of sanity until he up and quit his job on May 20. He describes the decision on his blog as being "an exciting stupid move to prove to myself that I need to keep moving toward my dreams… Every time I’ve made a major move to pursue my dreams I have lost something (2 girlfriends both 3year relationships) but I’ve gotten a step closer. This time around I don’t know what I have to lose… as I look at it right now I have nothing to lose, and those seem to be pretty good odds. If I never do anything, don’t ever say that I didn’t try." Good luck making your Hollywood dreams come true, Delbert. [Delbert Shoopman]
· Finally, a device for those of you who prefer your exercises in misogyny to sound crisp and lifelike! [Videogum]
· A few months ago, we told about the disastrous first screening for Will Ferrell's Step Brothers. Our operative described it as being "less entertaining than Two And A Half Men." From the looks of this preposterous red-band trailer, that description might end up actually being a compliment. [/Film]
· While we're having a hard time fathoming why on earth Kill Bill billboards are still up in New Zealand, the simple fact of the matter is that this is our third favorite billboard of all-time (behind Angelyne and Vincent Gallo's Brown Bunny blowjob). [Copyranter]

And Introducing Sherri Shepherd As Indinesha Jones

Seth — Fri, 23 May 2008 14:05:43 PDT

· We're sure Karen Allen is telling a very interesting story about how her involvement in the new Indiana Jones movie came about, but we're way too distracted by Sherri Shepherd's ghetto-not-so-fabulous sartorial homage to the legendary adventurer. [The View]
·The name's Jonas. Nick Jonas. Codename: Mooseknuckle. [Just Jared]
· LAist interviews local music legend—and Hotel Cafe Records artist—Jim Bianco. (Who we look like, according to about a half-dozen random people who've come up and told us so on the street.) [LAist]
· Nailed's EKG delivers a steady, ear-piercing shriek, as the production is shut down yet again. [Deadline Hollywood]
· The LAT details everything they observed backstage leading up to Wednesday night's historic American Idol finale. (Spoiler alert: They caught Syesha tucking in the men's room!) [LAT]

Kat Von D Now Fucking Nikki Sixx

Seth — Thu, 22 May 2008 18:17:26 PDT

· LA Ink star and flaming Star of David tattoo-conceptualizer Kat Von D stopped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! with her mom and new boyfriend, Nikki Sixx, in tow. Above, she proudly displays the love note Sixx drunkenly etched upon her right shoulder. Oh well—a growling panther head should cover that up nicely. [Jimmy Kimmel Live]
· The pregnant transgendered man has sold his life story, working title Love Makes A Family: A Memoir of Hardship, Healing and an Extraordinary Pregnancy, to St. Martin's Press. We already have some casting ideas for the inevitable movie: No, not Cillian "Peacock" Murphy, he's too obvious. We're thinking Gyllenhaal! (Both of them.) [HuffPo]
· "What happened to that guy?! 'Cause if that guy came back he could totally put it in me." No truer words have ever been spoken, Livejournal user fatherleary. [ONTD]
· Thomas Dekker: The Sashay Chante Chronicles, Part Deux: "You think you own me, left half of my zip-up sweater? Just. You. Watch." [Just Jared]
· Everyone wins on this season's American Idol—even the never-rans: Josiah Leming, the emo kid runaway who lived in his car and saw his dreams smothered by a heartless, Paula-led tribunal, gets signed by freaking Warner Bros. Records. [Reuters]

Acting: The Job So Easy, A Monkey Can Do It!

Seth — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:00:54 PDT

· This orangutan knows exactly what the acting game is all about: Just chillin' out, taking each audition as it comes, and stripping when required. [YouTube]
· Gasp! The Idol finale is underway, and apparently the vote "wasn't even close." Could Dial Idol's prediction of a runaway David Cook victory be accurate? [AP, Dial Idol]
· It's hard enough dragging yourself into the office every day without having to gaze out of Madonna's ladyparts. [Racked]
· Not pregnant? Don't like ice cream? Afraid of Tori Spelling? Well here's what you missed at today's Baskin Robbins Bump Day festivities. [D-listed]
· The latest Get Smart movie gets Mel Brooks's stamp of approval. The Nude Bomb? Not so much. [LAT]

Kevin Spacey: Jamba Jerk

Seth — Tue, 20 May 2008 18:12:31 PDT

· So David Letterman goes to the trouble of getting Kevin Spacey a Jamba Juice, per his request, and Spacey thanks him by dumping the entire thing—on his carpet. Moral of the story? Never pay it forward, at least where Spacey is concerned. [Late Show]
· Hey—Carrie Bradshaw left her Mac desktop open for anyone to just snoop around in. We really shouldn't. Well...maybe just for a second. What does this Stickie say? "Buy...black suit...for Miranda's...funeral." Oh no! We should have never snooped! [Carrie's Macbook]
· And the "world's biggest star" teased for the Idol finale is...George Michael? [E! Online]
· Jake Gyllenhaal has been confirmed as the lead in the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time for Disney. It's about time Jake got a superhero franchise! Now, if you'll excuse us, we're off to buy an Xbox 360 and every edition of the Prince of Persia series, mastering every last trap door and hidden level in time for the movie's release. We suggest you do the same. Jake deserves nothing less. [THR]

Betty White's Got Spunk. We Hate Spunk!

Seth — Mon, 19 May 2008 18:23:53 PDT

· Who can turn the world on with her adorable The Mary Tyler Moore Show set remembrances on Oprah today? Betty White, that's who! [Oprah]
· The C&Ds are flying fast and furious with these photos of Bruno ambushing fellow Austrian Gov. Schwarzenegger, but /Film seems to still have them up as of post time. [/Film]
· David Archuleta's voice coach explains for Utah's Fox news affiliate how the show's producers have systematically rigged it so that David Cook would trample the little shaved-koala's skull in the voting. Also, disconcertingly bedentured producer Nigel Lythgoe told Ryan Seacrest that the "biggest star in the world" would be performing on the finale. OMG! Jesus! We hope he takes the wheel! (Lolz.) [MyFoxUtah, mjsbigblog.com]
· Didn't spend the heat wave on a beach with Jake and Reese, but wish you had? Now you can! [celebrity-gossip.net]
· Loni Anderson married Bob Fleck, a folk singer who would never get any WKRP airplay, in Bel Air yesterday. [AP]

Teri Hatcher: Ear Rapist

Seth — Fri, 16 May 2008 18:01:21 PDT

· Today on The View, Teri Hatcher explained that the only reason she is subjecting us to her singing is for the little children. Well the little children are all dead now, Teri. Your singing killed them. Happy? [The View]
· Homeless no longer! [NY Times]
· Goodness, is it already time to crown another World's Ugliest Dog? It is! But how to choose? They're all so ugly! Oops, Pee Wee Martini just made us puke on our keyboards. We have a winner. [Sonoma-Marin Fair 2008]
· And when you get accustomed to that end, try the other! [cartoonbrew.com via b3ta]
· If we could get serious for a moment, Richard Simmons is crazy for Cranergy. He will be missed. [ET Online]

ABC Invites You To Sell Out Your Kid Sister For Cash And Prizes

Seth — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:46:38 PDT

· OK, we think we can officially say we're excited about a new fall show: That would be Opportunity Knocks on ABC, Ashton Kutcher's contribution to the, "Hey—let's throw a block party game show!" genre. So much to love here, from the kid-sister diary hunt, to the whack-a-pottery challenge, to the identify-your -infant-brother's -screams quiz round. And just think how awesome it will be when they pack up the show and move it to the ghetto! [TV Week]
· Why yes, we do think we've seen this halo-effect used to great success on previous comedy one-sheets. [/Film]
· Jessica Alba radiates the unmistakable, bird-flipping glow of a woman nearing childbirth. [celebslam]
· An anonymous bidder paid $15 million for Takashi Murakami's jizz-vortex manga sculpture: someone who sounded a whooooole lot like Kanye West affecting a matronly British accent. [Gawker]
· Want to kill a few hours? Thighs Wide Shut collected the mother of all Indy ephemera link dumps, including a listing of every person ever really named Indiana Jones. (They were all born in the 19th century.) [thighswideshut.org]
· Stumble along with the ANTM finalists as they attempt to plug CoverGirl's new Blashtlashtlashblahsshsblashssplash! (Congratulations, Whitney.) [B-Side Blog]

New Jay Mohr Sitcom Funnier Than Tourette's Humor

Seth — Wed, 14 May 2008 18:14:58 PDT

· Here's your first glimpse at Jay Mohr's new CBS sitcom, Project Gary. Did that kid just say, "Tap it?" OMG! He did! LOL! [TV Week]
· People, for crying out loud, it's a picture of Curious George! It's not like he put "OBAMA in '08" underneath a picture of Chim-Chim from Speed Racer. Now that would have been racist. (And just plain mean.) [Boston Herald]
· It's the America's Next Top Model finale liveblog with the Jezebelers! But don't peek yet, 'cause they are three hours ahead. [Jezebel]
· Woody Allen: "Can I ask you what your favorite commandment is?"
Billy Graham: "Right now, it's Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother."
Woody: "Really? That's my least favorite commandment." [BoingBoing]
· Anne Heche is worth $34,840.93, says Anne Heche. [TMZ]

Living La Vida Lohan

Mark Graham — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:00:00 PDT

· Get ready for the summer of exploitation on E! If Denise Richards or Dating Nightmares doesn't do it for ya, might we interest you in the White Oprah and her fame-starved daughter Ali? Nothing warms our cockles like the sight of a table full of sycophantic slags toasting a 14-year-old's non-existant career with champagne! [E!]
· What better way to honor Bea Arthur on her birthday than by counting down her 10 best moments? [BWE]
· Videogum is on the hunt for TWMOAT. What's that, you ask? The Worst Movie Of All-Time, natch. [Videogum]
· While the hot Muppet meme of the moment seems to be Sad Kermit singing "Needle In The Hay", we here at Defamer HQ vastly prefer Miss Piggy's tribute to "Fuck The Pain Away." [YouTube via Fimoculous]
· Larry Levine, the recording engineer who helped bring Phil Spector's "Wall Of Sound" to life, passed away at the age of 80. Roll down your windows and play The Ronettes' "Be My Baby" extra loud tonight in his honor. [LAT]

Swinging With Indy

Seth — Mon, 12 May 2008 20:50:00 PDT

· There are 27 different movies in this Indy-themed swingstravaganza. (And at least one classic Activision Atari 2600 title.) How many can you name? [Black20]
· Dennis Farina was so preoccupied worrying about gels and liquids, he had a total brainfart about the .22 he was carrying through LAX security. [LAT]
· It seems a certain Chace Crawford is getting invited to George Clooney after-parties and mobbed by the Cruises, and Penn Badgley isn't. XOXO, Defamer Girl [NY Daily News]
· Isaiah Washington filed a complaint with SAG over Grey's Anatomy's use of his photo in a newspaper article about his character on last week's episode. [Reuters]
· Hey—unicorns!

No Country For Old She-Men

Seth — Thu, 08 May 2008 18:12:56 PDT

· Let's play "What If?" What if...Javier Bardem went a different way with Anton Chigurh, and chose to go the Felicity Huffman-in-Transamerica route? Click play to find out! [Fourth Grade Gladiators]
· Corey Haim is back! And he looks like a lesbian dogwalker. [TMZ]
· Here's the first seven minutes of Speed Racer. As Idolator Maura put it, "Watching this is like watching them set a giant pile of money on fire in slow motion." To which we add: But the flames and sparks are so colorful! [movies.yahoo.com]
· Yeah, we're with Nick Malis: We plan on staying home, and hitting Rainbow Road instead. [Malis In Wonderland]
· After a few hits from the corpse bong! [chron.com]
· And then we're hitting this: [ThingsIDidLastNight.com]

Oprah-Led Think Tank Deconstructs Mariah's Quickie-Marriage Logic

Seth — Wed, 07 May 2008 18:23:20 PDT

· Today, an Oprah you simply cannot afford to miss: Watch as she, Gayle, Kelly Ripa's husband, and some other lady try to reach a consensus over when, exactly, Mariah Carey knew she was going to marry Nick Cannon. We know! We told you! [Oprah]
· Speaking of Mariah—just when it seemed her week couldn't get any better...[BBC]
· Gary Dourdan was officially charged with possession of heroin, cocaine and ecstasy, today. All of which he claims belonged to someone else. [Reuters]
· This just in! Amy Winehouse is out on bail after her recent drug-related arrest. She tried to claim they weren't hers, too, but Scotland Yard said, "No, no, no." LOL! [Guardian]
· Alan Rosenberg: The SAG talks have broken down. The livelihoods of thousands of working actors falls in your hands. So tell us...WHAT WAS MILEY THINKING?! [ca.reuters.com]
· The View is the catfight incubator that just keeps on giving. [Us Magazine]

Glenn Close: Buried Alive!

Seth — Tue, 06 May 2008 18:18:52 PDT

· You just never know what you're going to get on The Martha Stewart Show. Today: We make our own herb garden kits. And later, Glenn Close recalls the time she was buried alive with her husband! Wait—what? [Martha]
· Good news, everyone! Star Jones is dating again. (Or has a snappy-dressing driver/assistant/bodyguard.) And! Is looking sassy. [Bossip]
· Tina Fey is the most adorable anti-film-piracy figurehead since Lucky and Flo. (And we're not comparing her to a labrador retriever. We just think she's cute.) [ONTD]
· Talk Sex with Sue Johanson is ending its six-year run on Oxygen? But where else are we going to get straight-up advice from someone who resembles our sixth-grade English teacher on the proper use of a double-headed dildo? [AP]
· Photobombing is our new favorite pranktivity. And of all the photobombs collected here, this one of a guy shoving a fat finger up his nose while Wilmer Valderrama tries to look like the man with three hot chicks on his arm is our very favorite. [listoftheday]

'The View' Audience In Critical Condition After Patricia Heaton Devours All Available Oxygen

Seth — Mon, 05 May 2008 17:50:45 PDT

· We have a solution to the global energy crisis: harness Patricia Heaton's mouth! (We especially like the stormy thought-bubble over Barbara Walter's head reading, "Wrap it up, you long-winded hag." Nice touch!) [The View]
· Were you, like us, expecting Disney Hall to transform into a giant, Iron Man-pulverizing, mechanized beast? Oh well. There's always the sequel. [Curbed LA]
· Finally, we get confirmation of the "Mr. Big Kicks-It" rumor that has been plaguing our dreams for months. The truth is...Mr. Big...definitely doesn't...not...live! Maybe! [USAToday.com]
· And finally: George Clooney rocking a tux the way a tux was meant to be rocked. [Faded Youth Blog]

Katie Holmes's Weird Sonogram Issues, And Other Tom & Oprah Highlights

Seth — Fri, 02 May 2008 18:10:00 PDT

· Still want more OT (Oprah/Tom)? We've compiled the interview's best moments. And yes, he addresses the indoctrination video you watched here. Verdict? Oprah: Asked the tough questions. Tom: Depressed. [Oprah.com]
· Yikes. We'd hate to see what Kanye would have written if EW had given his tour a B-minus. [kanyeuniversecity.com via Idolator]
· Now you can linger over assistant Jonathan's lovingly collaged FRIENDS 4 EVA!!! farewell poster for Jack Donaghy from last night's 30 Rock. [Videogum]
· It's time for accused Uma-stalker Jack "Tee-Hee" Jordan to have his say: He's humiliated! (Now that we think of it, Tee-Hee is the greatest nickname ever. Dibs!) [Reuters]
· "Hey, Gary! Good weekend? What?!" [People]
· The assault charges against Rod Stewart's retarded son have been dropped. [AP]
· Angelyne has the developers of the W Hotel over a barrel. Attagirl! [LAT]

If You Work With Robert Downey Jr., Prepare To Duck And Rewrite

Seth — Thu, 01 May 2008 18:10:26 PDT

· Forgive us for being a couple days behind on Robert Downey Jr.'s Late Show appearance, but we were so excited that someone has finally found way to stop making bad movies, we simply had to share it with you: Simply start every shooting day by balling up the piece-of-shit script handed to you by your director, whipping it at the wall, and having them start from scratch. [Late Show]
· Mariah Carey, 39, has married Drumline star Nick Cannon, 27, at her home in the Bahamas. Yes, she's that chick. [Page Six]
· Phew! Reichen takes back all of the "shady sack of beyond gross lying shit" talk and Bitter Dating Tips for Hollywood from his MySpace page. He was just having a bad day! :P [Pink Is The New Blog]
· Here's a free copy of the new Coldplay single. We're getting a slutty Gwyneth vibe from it. [coldplay.com]
· Wonkette remembers D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Paltry, found dead today, by purchasing her a seat to the stars. [Wonkette]