Which, apart from unanswered questions after the jump about Verne's junk, is the most important thing:

The state of California filed a $26,812 lien against Troyer on April 25 for unpaid taxes. Troyer owes taxes from 2004-05, according to the Los Angeles County Recorder of Deeds office.

The IRS filed a $256,551 lien against Troyer on March 26, 2007, for unpaid income taxes. He owes taxes from 2003-04, according to the Los Angeles County Recorder of Deeds office.

His side: Troyer could not be reached for comment. His former manager, Elena Fondacaro, said the tax issue is being addressed. "Some of that is false information," she said. "It's taken care of —it's being handled —I should say. It's not as bad as it looks."

But what about... you know. How does that look? Troyer's ex-girlfriend and scene partner Ranae Shrider wasn't having any part of it in an interview this morning with a DJ in Tampa; "They were together six months," her manager intervened, "So he must have made her happy." Thank God, we guess — we'd hoped to have not given our retinas for anything less.

• Tax man takes big bite out of 'Mini-Me' actor [Detroit News]
• Verne Troyer's Sex Tape Partner Speaks! [WFLZ]

Yes, that's Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple's apartment. A third party has snatched up the tape and although no deal has been made, we hear dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris' video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness.

While we are still too mortified by the sight of Verne Troyer frenching some ho to properly collect our thoughts, we will go out on a limb and say that this sex tape will certainly prove to be more exciting that that snoozer of a vid that Kim Kardashian put out. And if the publicity gods are willing, maybe this means renewed hope for The Love Guru's second weekend at the box office, after all. Then again, let's hope not. See you in Gomorrah, peeps!

• Mini-Me Sex Tape: Avert Your Eyes [TMZ]

· Crystal Castles @ The Roxy.
· Terri Cheney @ Book Soup.
· Cagematch @ UCB.
· "Ride for Arthritis Fundraiser", featuring stand-up from Jackie Kashian, Andrew Donnelly, Melissa McQueen and Clinton Pickens @ Monkspace (4414 West 2nd Street and Western).

Ha-ha! You got Shanicerolled! We love your smile, we really do.

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we’re not so sure it’s just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don’t judge a supermarket tab’s creds by its cheap cover):

[Adnan Ghalib] is shopping around a sex tape that was filmed during their trip January trip to Mexico...[the tape] will go down as the highest selling porn tape of all time, out selling even Paris Hilton's.

So what could Britney possibly do in the bedroom to top her fellow Bimbo Summit member’s green-eyed appearance in nightmare-vision? The eerily realistic details after the jump.

As a source who claims to have seen the tape tells the tab, "the video starts with Britney undressing...She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout." Well, the image of Britney in that pink wig she favored during her American Tragedy days doesn't do much to entice us, but we do find it highly believable that sex with Spears just wouldn't be all that "kinky." We've seen her manhandle props like umbrellas before and it was neither graceful nor hot. But the kicker comes after Spears allegedly performs a striptease for Adnan, removing all her clothes save for the technicolor bob: "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'" And thank goodness for that. However horrific Paris appeared as a nocturnal sex nymph in her tape, nothing puts the sails down like bald sex.

• IS ADNAN SHOPPING A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX TAPE? [Splash News]

From: "Bryant, Matthew" [REDACTED] Date: April 17, 2008 12:50:32 AM EDT To: legal@gawker.com Subject: http://defamer.com/380219/exclusive-debunking-the-marilyn-monroe-sex-tape-hoax

April 16, 2008

By Email
Gawker Media, Legal Department
76 Crosby Street
New York, NY 10012
legal@gawker.com

Re: http://defamer.com/380219/exclusive-debunking-the-marilyn-monroe-sex-tape-hoax

Dear Sir or Madam:

I write on behalf of Keya Morgan in reference to the above-referenced post on www.Defamer.com authored, apparently, in part by Mr. Mark Bellinghaus and the website itself. Please be advised that Mr. Morgan has filed a report today with Precinct 20 of the New York City Police Department in regard to recent threats Mr. Bellinghaus' made on Keya Morgan's life in the wake of Mr. Morgan's recent successful $1.5 million brokerage-sale of a Marilyn Monroe film as reported by Reuters, The New York Post and CBS, NBC and Fox. Mr. Morgan naturally will protect himself and his business to the full extent of the law.

Further, Mr. Bellinghaus' recent publication of the above-referenced defamatory post on www.defamer.com constitutes defamation per se and subject its authors and related internet content providers, such as www.defamer.com and Gawker Media, to civil liability under New York and federal law. Mr. Morgan is a distinguished internationally-recognized manuscript and artifact expert. He has built an impeccable reputation over a decade. Mr. Bellinghaus' challenges to the film's authenticity are based on false information, self-serving analysis and speculation. Neither he nor any of his colleagues interviewed Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan authenticated the film based on his interviews with the owner, the son of an FBI informant, the FBI analyst who worked on the film, and his personal review of declassified documents and the film itself. Mr. Morgan's reputation and expertise speaks for itself. Mr. Bellinghaus' allegations that Mr. Morgan is engaging in a fantasy PR campaign are absurd and, most importantly, by his own admission backed up by no evidence whatsoever.

As stated, Mr. Morgan will protect his reputation and business to the full extent of the law. Please find a copy of our cease and desist letter to Mr. Bellinghaus of even date. Please retract and cease any publication of defamatory matter from Mr. Bellinghaus.

Very truly yours,

Matt Bryant
Ohrenstein & Brown
[REDACTED]
Garden City, New York 11530

From: Gaby Darbyshire
To: "Bryant, Matthew"
Date: Thu, Apr 17, 2008 at 10:44 AM
Subject: Re: http://defamer.com/380219/exclusive-debunking-the-marilyn-monroe-sex-tape-hoax

Mr Bryant,

I simply do not accept that anything written in this piece is libellous. Our source is willing to state under oath that they spoke with Mr Morgan last year and that he told them the things stated as coming from him in the article. This piece is simply a detailed analysis of the claims made by your client regarding this tape, and the writers' view of whether those claims are supported by the evidence. That's called reporting. Your client may not like the conclusions drawn, but this country believes in free speech, last I checked. The material is a matter of opinion, strongly held for sure, but not a matter of libel.

If you can point me to any facts stated that are provable incontrovertibly as facts and not mere opinion, then - as I have said - we are willing to print a statement from your client to clarify his position on those specific points. I've already offered to do that over the age of your client (provable fact, but not libellous) and his denial of making any dating claims (not provable, and not libellous either, but if your client cares about this, I'm happy to do it).

Beyond such minor clarifications, either we accept that people of strong conviction and passion for a subject can vehemently disagree about events and their interpretation of events, let them as grown-ups debate their side of the argument in a public forum as experts in their domain, and let the public decide which version they choose to believe - or we can take this matter to the courts and hash through it all there.

I'm happy to do either. Mr Morgan must decide how he wants to proceed.

Regards,

******************************************
Gaby Darbyshire
VP, Finance & Legal, Gawker Media

******************************************

From: "Bryant, Matthew"
Date: April 17, 2008 5:05:39 PM EDT
To: "Gaby Darbyshire"
Subject: RE: http://defamer.com/380219/exclusive-debunking-the-marilyn-monroe-sex-tape-hoax

Dear Ms. Darbyshire:

Thank you for your response to my letter sent yesterday on behalf of Keya Morgan. At this juncture, I advise you to seek counsel from Gawker Media's in-house attorney or, in if no such person exists, seek outside counsel.

From the outset, Defamer.com, Mark Bellinghaus and Gawker Media are accusing my client of fraud. Your headline boasts, as fact, that the film is a "hoax." The apparent editor asserts, as fact, that it was "fabricated." My client is a business man and well respected manuscript and artifact expert. Your website has not only impugned my client's honesty, integrity and profession, but has accused him of committing fraud. This is defamation, not reporting.

It should be noted that while Mr. Morgan embraces the "market place" of ideas, the freedom of the press has always ended at the expense of a third-party's rights. There is little room for an organization doing business as "defamer.com" to hide behind the legitimate press' cloak of freedom. Your self-described "Marilyn Monroe Expert" (Mark Bellinghaus) has well-documented history. Most recently, he threatened to blow up my client's home and stab him. [ED. NOTE - As of April 23, 2008, this case has been closed.] I have personally spoken to Detective Banville of the NYPD's 1st Precinct; Mr. Morgan's policy report number is 2008-001-02543. If Mr. Bellinghaus is found in NYC, he will likely be arrested. His rantings can be viewed by any reporter wishing to verify him as a source at www.marilynmonroeforall.com as a "cyber-harasser" and self-proclaimed Monroe expert. Your website relies on this man as an expert and touts, as fact, his warped conclusions founded in delusion and animosity. We believe goes well beyond mere defamation and constitutes harassment or criminal menacing. For the record, your claim that this is legitimate reporting rings false — Mr. Morgan adamantly denies ever granting an interview to any such self-proclaimed experts. Further, your reporters cannot even ascertain Mr. Morgan's correct age and the allegations regarding his romantic goings-on are simply false and inserted to further harass and injury my client's business and personal reputation.

Unlike other recent on-line defamation cases where anonymous users post on third-party interactive web-sites, defamer.com controls its own web-site and contributed to this content by identifying these alleged expert sources citing their conclusions as fact. We again invite you to seek legal counsel and protect your own business' interests by distancing yourself from Mr. Bellinghaus and his cohorts. Feel free to post this letter as Mr. Morgan's reply to your invitation below.

Very truly yours,

Matt Bryant
Ohrenstein & Brown
[REDACTED]
Garden City, New York 11530

UPDATE (April 18, 2:36pm):: Here is a link to a statement Mark Bellinghaus made on his blog in regards to Mr. Bryant's letters to us.

UPDATE (April 23, 4:21pm): We just received word that the NYPD has closed this case.

To that end, Defamer worked with a trio of Marilyn Monroe experts in an effort to get to the bottom of Keya Morgan's outrageous claims. The team of Mark Bellinghaus (one of the foremost Marilyn Monroe experts/collectors in the world), Ernest W. Cunningham (author of The Ultimate Marilyn) and freelance journalist Jennifer J. Dickinson to put together the following piece. It's one of the longer pieces that we have ever published at Defamer, but we think that it's well worth your time. And with that, please enjoy. — MDG

DEBUNKING THE MARILYN MONROE "SEX TAPE" HOAX
By Mark Bellinghaus, Ernest W. Cunningham and Jennifer J. Dickinson

On June 26, 1952, Marilyn Monroe testified in court (as pictured) to protect her own reputation from accusations that a mail order pornography ring was selling pictures of her and that she was a participant in this process through solicitation of sales by letter writing. Along with her attorney, she debunked these claims and the pictures themselves, and the two men who created this scam were found guilty of misdemeanor charges, and Marilyn Monroe's name and reputation were cleared.

Nearly 56 years following her own victorious court appearance, Monroe's name is once again being affiliated with a fabricated pornographic claim. Now it is time to have the name Marilyn Monroe cleared once again of false allegations.

Keya Morgan, 38, New York City based memorabilia collector, has spawned a rumor of 16 mm film footage said to be Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unknown male participant in the early 1950's when she was just a starlet. Morgan claims that this is an illicit copy of an FBI classified film of which a copy was made before the original was confiscated by the Feds. According to Mr. Morgan, he brokered the sale of this claimed 15 minute lasting reel to a wealthy New York Businessman for $1.5 million.

"You can see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe," said Morgan—"she has the famous mole. She's smiling, she's very charming, she's very radiant, but she's known for being radiant."

The happy buyer of this supposed film chooses to remain anonymous but says he has no plans to market the tape. Morgan states: "He's just going to lock it up."

This tale of the sex tape follows on the heels of last month's Marilyn scandal, in which a fellow in Las Vegas called a news conference to display an unknown photo of nude Marilyn, but it turned out to be just nude Madonna. Please click here and here to read our reports on this story.

The real "Marilyn Monroe Nude" pictures are well-documented. She posed nude on red velvet for photographer Tom Kelley on May 27, 1949—photos that showed up for years on calendars and in lawsuits. Lawsuits for obscenity usually turned out to be the Kelley nudes, and were dismissed.

About this same time a short nudie film called The Apple, Knockers, and the Coke Bottle, began making the rounds. It's composed of grainy footage of a bare-chested young woman amusing herself -she's Arline Hunter, a Marilyn lookalike but clearly not Marilyn.

When a journalist or a tabloid show stumbles over a nude photo or nude film footage, the immediate response is usually Marilyn! Or Unseen Marilyn! Or Nude Marilyn!

But if it's not a Tom Kelley red velvet photo or Marilyn in the "Something's Got to Give" nude swim, then it's Arline Hunter and her apple.

If it's none of those, then it's pornography, and it's not Marilyn. She didn't go there.

There are too many holes in the Keya Morgan story. Having talked with Mr. Morgan in our own interview over the phone in the summer of 2007, he spoke quickly and non-stop of his planned television documentary, of conspiracy theories into Monroe's death, and about his alleged friendships with all three Monroe husbands. He claims he was one of the last people to speak to James Dougherty and gave the similar scenario about Dougherty's final words as has been rumored about Joe DiMaggio - that both former spouses on their deathbed spoke about seeing Marilyn on the other side.

In general Mr. Morgan was a name dropper, especially when it came to those notorious for supporting the conspiracy theories involved with the story of Marilyn Monroe. However, he wove into our conversation his claim that he dated Mariah Carey and Renée Zellweger.

The most recent sensationalism of this supposedly existing film footage generated by Mr. Morgan, ties in with the usual opportunistic conspiracy theories that are out there. What Keya Morgan is promoting equates to questionable stories generated simply to sell another book or push another cheesy documentary. Just looking at Mr. Morgan's cast list is enough to know that this is more of the same conspiracy rehash. There's John Miner, Jack Clemmons and Thomas Noguchi, who have changed their stories over the years and cashed in on the various Marilyn Monroe murder theories by being featured in books, articles and television specials.

Keya Morgan went on and on when we were on the phone, speaking of this usual cast of characters. At the time of our conversation with him, we immediately discerned that he was one of them only out to exploit Marilyn Monroe and to come up with something new to fuel the rumor mill of her life.

Yet Keya Morgan claims he would not have gotten his name involved in this latest story, if there was harm to Marilyn Monroe. But he is already too late - Keya Morgan himself is causing harm to the legacy of Marilyn Monroe by creating this outrageous and absurd fantasy (he did not participate in it—he created it!).

There are a few questions that one must immediately ask, the litmus test that proves Mr. Morgan's story about the supposed sex tape to be as bogus as the one caused by the perpetrators against Marilyn Monroe in 1952.

· The film was supposedly made of Marilyn Monroe as a starlet. If filmed in this time period of Monroe's life, why would the feds have cared about the activities of a young starlet, considering that Marilyn Monroe had not reached the heights of fame at the time this footage was claimed to have been filmed?

· "You see instantly that it's Marilyn Monroe - she has the famous mole." This is a quote by Keya Morgan, which is one of the flimsiest pieces of evidence ever presented. Just because this alleged film has a person with a mole, it's instantly Marilyn Monroe?

· Essentially Morgan is claiming that this is a bootleg copy of a classified FBI film. So if an original is classified, why would the FBI allow this public brouhaha in the press and not stop this sale from taking place? Why would this film copy not be destroyed?

Keya Morgan claims to respect Joe DiMaggio (it is alleged that DiMaggio tried to pay the informant $25,000 for the film and the offer was refused), and Marilyn Monroe even greater. Then why would Mr. Morgan allow this sale considering his "respect" of DiMaggio and Monroe? If he was such a collector looking to protect Marilyn Monroe especially, why would he not keep this supposed film safely in his own collection?

Stay tuned, but you're sure to learn nothing new from the Keya Morgan upcoming documentary, except the usual repetitive death theories (namely, that she was murdered). And Keya Morgan's time in the spotlight for this recent spin is nothing more than an opportunity for him to do just that - soak up some extra time in the limelight with his invented story about a fake flick, at the expense of the legacy of Marilyn Monroe.

Mark Bellinghaus is the leading Marilyn Monroe expert and official expert witness in the Queen Mary/Marilyn Monroe fraud Class Action Lawsuit; Ernest W. Cunningham is the author of 'The Ultimate Marilyn' and plaintiff in the Queen Mary/Marilyn Monroe Fraud Class Action Lawsuit; Jennifer J. Dickinson is a journalist based in New Jersey and a mother of two.

[Photo: Marilyn Monroe, pictured with her attorney on June 26, 1952 testifying in her own defense in Los Angeles Court, when there were accusations that pictures of her were being sold in a pornography ring. It turned out that the accusations were bogus, as were the pictures, and two men who created this scandal were found guilty.

Credit: The Mark Bellinghaus Marilyn Monroe Collection]

The 15-minute, 16mm film, dated around the early '50s, apparently stars a "smiling" Monroe servicing an anonymous subject; New York memorabilia collector Keya Morgan, who recently sold the movie for $1.5 million, is said to have tracked it down through some investigative work that went all the way through the FBI:

The feds eventually confiscated the original footage - but not before [an] informant made a copy of it, which is what was just sold by his son, Morgan said.

There are heavily redacted, declassified FBI documents talking about a "French-type" film. They state the informant "exhibited [to agents] a motion picture which depicted deceased actress Marilyn Monroe committing a perverted act upon a unknown male," Morgan said. ...

According to the documents, "Former baseball star Joseph DiMaggio in the past had offered [the informant] $25,000 for this film, it being the only one in existence, but he refused the offer.

"Source advised that [redacted name of the mole] informed them that he had obtained this film prior to the time Marilyn Monroe had achieved stardom."

Which is where we're kind of lost. As noted this morning by Jeffrey Wells, Monroe already had a career going by 1950; the Post story cites other documents stressing that FBI director J. Edgar Hoover sought "in the mid-'60s" to prove the unidentified man was John F. Kennedy or Robert Kennedy, placing its provenance even later. That sprawling timeline, along with the fact that publicity-loving Morgan and his alleged buyer — identified only as a "wealthy New York businessman" — are the only ones who've seen the film, leave us a little skeptical. No one in this day and age would would think to perpetrate a sex-tape hoax, would they?

• HARDCORE MARILYN [NYP]

As AOL Music reports, Shakira and de la Rua, who've since broken up, apparently recorded the on-yacht sex session with a third party, Spanish pop star Alejandro Sanz. Were that true, that would make this as-yet-unreleased tape way pornier than your standard celebrity sex tapes. But the story only gets more sordid once we learn the route this tape has taken into the public spotlight. Apparently, two of Sanz' ex-employees are under prosecution for stealing the yacht which may or may not be stamped with Shakira's threesome, um, evidence. Admittedly, we're no Sam Donaldson (or even Chris Hansen), but we're pretty sure this joyously means that all contents found on the yacht will eventually be presented to the court. And considering the way Hollywood sex scandals tend to dissolve, those contents will eventually be posted on this site. As soon as possible. We promise.

• ALEJANDRO SANZ, SHAKIRA AND BOYFRIEND IN SEX TAPE SCANDAL [AOL Music]

A source, who overheard the rant, said Lindsay was screaming: I can't believe you would ever f***ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone. I should never have f***ing trusted you."

The Mean Girl continued: "It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how f***ing could you?"

Alas, as we now know, he would have if he could have. Really though, with our scandal-starved eyes scanning even for the secrets of Gossip Girl/NSYNC alum bromance, we must now leave this mess behind us until the next pixelated, would-be-starlet blow job compels a more robust visitation of the evidence. Or until later this morning, whichever comes first.

• Lohan rant over Best sex tape [The Sun]

While the 21-year-old did date Calum last year, his publicist is now setting the record straight. "It's not Calum, " his rep tells In Touch. "If it was Calum we would have it shrink-wrapped and put out onto a DVD for Christmas," he adds. "Believe me, it's not him. We'd all be retired by now if that were the case."

Naturally, we don't believe for a moment that the representative for someone as heatedly in-demand as Calum Best would ever fully give up the thrill of planting bogus sex-tape rumors speaking on behalf of such accomplished, vigorously pursued young talent. We should all be so lucky to have a gig requiring merely one week of work per year. Don't take it for granted!

• Lindsay in Sex-Tape Scandal [In Touch]

A thorough examination of the evidence, courtesy of Egotastic, yields a bounty of clues, mostly hinting that we may have reached our culture's sex-tape tipping point. This is no indisputable Davis slide show or call-girl dance number; while the procurer of the image insists its provenance is legit ("Anyway so i have this friend [cant say her name.] who is friends with lindsay lohan..."), we are reluctant to sign off on any purported blow job in which neither the giver's eyes and mouth nor the receipient's junk is distinguishable from, say, a hand or a furniture accessory. Moreover, Best's body seems to be behind the giver's head, which would imply someone else had been doing the filming — not Best, as alleged.

On the other hand, Lohan's dirty blond mane from her Best days bears a striking resemblance to the flowing, flaxen locks in this image, so the defendant may yet mount a comeback. We still say no, but are willing to grant a mistrial with enough expert testimony. What say you, jury?

UPDATE: Debunked!

• A Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape Too!? [Egotastic]

But before that, she found her nourishment wherever she could, even if it meant posing nude at the tender age of 19 in the hopes of scoring a Playboy pictorial. The spread never materialized, but the test shots live on. For a closer look at the photos, including the naughty Catholic-schoolgirl-uniform series (the skirt isn't nearly as hot when it gets soaked in a pool and hangs there like a sad Irish Setter), we usher you over to WWTDD.com.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• AUDRINA PATRIDGE IS FUN - WWTDD EXCLUSIVE! [WWTDD]
• The Hills - Audrina [MTV]

1. Embarrassing As It May Be, We're SATC Obsessives: Before you start with the eye-rolling and the Old Maid stereotypes about Sex devotees, consider this: during a scandal like this, you need a few of us around. We've admittedly seen every episode, meaning we've memorized all four girls' aging faces. Davis, with her ever-perfect arched eyebrows, skin as smooth and shiny as porcelain, and nose just ski-slopey enough to pass for "perky," either has an identical twin sister, or put all those unique features to work in her X-rated debut.

2. Kristin Davis Has Been Single For Decades: SJP is long-married with the cutest son in the world to boot, Cynthia Nixon has that whole lesbian crowd to knit with, and Kim Cattrall can milk the slutty Sam Jones facade until she's all shriveled up. But Kristin? Aside from a fling with Alec Baldwin, the 43-year old is still living a life of singlehood, just like her small-screen counterpart Charlotte always feared. With hopes dashed, a hunky long-schlonged wannabe actor might find it easy to convince Davis to join him in a taped sex session. His dick gets famous, and Davis proves she's not an old shrew.

3. Hello? SATC: The Movie Is Coming Out In Two Months!: Like Paris Hilton before her, Davis has been in Hollywood long enough to know how well sex tape scandals can do for business.

You be the judge: do you really think these spitting images of Davis' are the real thing? Or is she the victim of what the Germans like to call a doppelgänger?

[Photo Credits: Scott Fayner, The Blemish]

• SCOTTFAYNER.COM EXCLUSIVE [Scott Fayner]
• KRISTIN DAVIS MIGHT HAVE A SEX TAPE [The Blemish]
• DAVIS DENIES SEX TAPE CLIP IS HER [AOL]

• OLIVIA MOJICA MAKES HISTORY AS FIRST "AMERICAN IDOL" CONTESTANT TO GO HARDCORE [Hardcoreidol.com]

"I've seen the video and it's really great," Hirsch said. "It has over 30 minutes of explicit sex that fans of erotica will find very appealing featuring two young and glamorous high profile celebrities. Apparently, the video was shot by Ray J about three years ago when he and Kim were in a relationship. The production is crystal clear and viewers will definitely get their money's worth. If either Kim or Ray J would like to discuss the video with us we would be happy to do so."

We have to commend Vivid on its savvy in going with the Kim Kardashian Superstar title instead of something related to the golden shower rumored to be the video's highlight; erotica fans inclined to line up for Superstar on the day it goes on sale might be turned off by something in the more exploitative vein of Brandy's Brother Pees On Paris Hilton's BFF.

UPDATE: Our porny sister site Fleshbot is already a little unimpressed: "Since we doubt a company like Vivid would risk selling something like this without having the necessary 2257 documentation on hand, there's the sneaking suspicion that Kim might be in full cahoots with its distribution process, which kind of takes the edge off everything as far as we're concerned."

UPDATE 2: TMZ reports the disappointing news that the sex tape is watersports-free.

• Vivid Acquires Kim Kardashian Sex Tape for $1 Million [AVN]
• Previously: Sidekick Of Person With Famous Sex Tape Denies Existence Of Own Sex Tape [Defamer]

[Warning: The above video may be NSFW; please check your employer's policy on viewing sexually explicit material starring plush children's toys before viewing.]

When Tickle Me Harder fired up in its YouTube window and let us know that we were about to watch four and a half minutes of Tickle Me TMX Elmos engaged in various sexual acts, our first reaction was that the joke would get old before the first minute was up. But you know what? It didn't. It really, really didn't. Mixing in that third giggling, arm-flailing partner provided enough of a dramatic push to keep our attention all the way through to the final credits.

• Tickle Me Elmo Sex Tape Scandal [PoopyCaca]

TMZ.com has unveiled the second installment of their de facto infomercial for the Screech sex tape, complete with a new clip from the video featuring Dustin Diamond's "co-stars." Luckily, their faces are pixelated, their voices digitally altered, and are only vaguely described as "from the heart of the Midwest and in their early 20's," which should at least temporarily forestall the unprecedented shame they will experience for accepting a gig that even the most emotionally ravaged porn star would refuse for the purpose of maintaining some elemental shred of dignity. (TMZ has also helpfully included celebrity smut-puddler David Hans Schmidt's entire promotional itinerary, so you'll know where you can next catch him hawking his wares.) As an alternative to the new preview footage, we offer this clip of SNL's Weekend Update coverage of the story, which while not all that funny, at least makes us feel less complicit in assisting Diamond's attempt to ride a Dirty Sanchez back to semi-fame. Isn't even a highly theoretical sex act sacred anymore?

TMZ.com has obtained (read: been given a copy of by the celebrity porn broker who's trying to sell it, and who's interviewed alongside the clip) a preview of the Screech sex tape, featuring 42 seconds of star Dustin Diamond soaking in a bathtub and then describing one of the video's featured sex acts to the camera. (Yeah, probably the Dirty Sanchez one.) For now, we can deal with the mildly scarring sight of Screech reclining in the tub, possibly in the early stages of sexual arousal. But we know that we'll eventually be required to watch the full video when it's eventually "leaked," a psychically scarring ordeal that will almost certainly permanently replace our happy, innocent memories of the Saved by the Bell gang sharing plates of French fries at The Max with nightmarish images of an imposingly bedonged Screech sodomizing a Jessie/Lisa tag-team as a self-gratifying Zach cheers them on.

[Image: TMZ.com, with our personal touch added.]

• Screech Sex Tape Preview [TMZ.com]
• Horseman Of The Sex-Tape Apocalypse About To Deliver Screech Scat Video [Defamer]

Everyone who remembers Diamond as a lovable putz is in for a shock once they see a 40-minute video in which he engages in a kinky three-way with two women, sources tell us. We can't get too graphic here, but word is that the action includes some bodily functions and an act known as a "Dirty Sanchez."

Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who has brokered some of Hollywood's biggest celebrity-skin deals, confirms that he's acquired the rights to a tape featuring Diamond. "Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," he tells us, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it." [...]

Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, said his client has become a successful standup comic and will appear on the ABC sitcom "The Knights of Prosperity." "I haven't seen the tape," Paul told us. "I've heard rumors. Dustin has been trying to escape the Screech typecast. So this may help me get more bookings."

The working title? Saved by the Smell. (Yes, really.) You may have been hoping for a more outrageous or clever play on the title, but evil this profound must necessarily come in a mundane package.

Of course, this whole story could be nothing more than a publicity stunt to drum up interest in Diamond's comedy career (please?), but we must prepare for the worst. It's better to be huddled in the corner of the basement, counting out a year's supply of canned goods and batteries when the Apocalypse comes, rather than to be outside mowing the lawn while passively waiting for the shower of flaming frogs to pour from the rapidly darkening heavens.

[*We refuse to even acknowledge the Tori Spelling/Violet relationship. Haven't we suffered enough this morning?]

• Porn star's name may ring a 'Bell' [Rush and Molloy]
• Previously: Screech Is Packing [Defamer]