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Stop-Loss star Ryan Phillippe's afternoon exercise was interrupted by a helicopter flying high above his Hollywood Hills home. Phillippe tried yelling at the copter, but his plea for privacy was drowned out by the whoosh of the whirling blades. Phillippe retreated inside his home, but quickly returned a few moments with an assortment of poster board and a large magic marker. Phillippe furiously scribbled a message on the poster board then held it up to the sky. The cards read:

-"Please Leave Me Alone"
-"Isn't Lindsay Lohan Maybe Holding Hands With That DJ Lady Somewhere?"
-"Or Isn't Madonna Cheating Somewhere With A.Rod?"
-"Seriously! Go Away! What Did I Do To Deserve This?"
-"And No, You Can't Say I Know What You Did Last Summer Either."

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The house, which had been listed at $7,470,000, was on the market for 34 days. (Pessimists, take note.) The five-bedroom, seven-bathroom house has 8,300 square feet, according to the listing details.

There are two master suites with an office area in each, a large living room and deck for parties and a media room with 14-foot ceilings. The outdoor living area includes a patio with a chef's barbecue, a spa, a sauna and steam room, a fire pit and an Asian-style gazebo overlooking the pool. There's also a two-story gym.

If the lodgings seem excessive—and we've included some of its many other luxurious amenities above—we'd remind you that the gloweringly intense actor's career has been enjoying an upswing lately, having seemingly become Hollywood's go-to-guy for playing tormented government employees in projects like Flags of Our Fathers, Breach, and Stop-Loss.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• Hot Property: Ryan Phillippe buys Hollywood Hills home for $7,175,000 [LAT]

As we had the pleasure of witnessing last month, Jake and Reese made one of their most public and skin-revealing appearances on the beach, with Reese all smiles in her itty bitty blue bikini, and Jake's impressive upper body on sunny display. And in a possible revenge ploy, Ryan agreed to accompany Abbie to an Australian awards ceremony, marking their first red carpet appearance as an official couple. Of course, it's basically public knowledge by now that Ryan took the divorce far harder than Reese, judging by his many weepy quotes about suicide and "vomiting" over the years, and Reese put Ryan in check mate first with those lovey dovey beach photos. No matter how many meetings, lawyers and arguments over child custody have taken place over the years, these pictures were apparently worth a thousand words.

• REESE WITHERSPOON AND RYAN PHILLIPPE FINALIZE THEIR DIVORCE [Us]

After hungrily leaning forward in his sweaty seat to probe Justin with those standard women's magazine questions ("Are you engaged?!" and "Is anyone pregnant?!"), Timberlake does his best to affect charm by avoiding the issues at hand and turning to his well-worn, though never well-received, stand-up act. He's "engaged" in the conversation! Get it? Yeah, unfortunately, we got it. But it's Jay's repeated allusion to meeting the prematurely sexy and underage Biel playing volleyball (insert wink and elbow nudge here) that has us picturing things we never want to ever, ever again. You see, Jay "would still be in jail" had he acted on whatever Dirty Old Man desires he assures both Timberlake and America he most definitely, cross-his-chick-loving-heart, felt at the time. We get it Jay, and no, we still don't want any part of it.

• THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO [NBC]

In late 2006, the pair were snapped hundreds of times on the set of Stop Loss, but the pictures hardly compared to those paparazzi shots of Ryan and Abbie literally "necking" in December last year. And despite the optimism behind Stop Loss failing to move money at the B.O., those who did buy a ticket would have noticed the obvious chemistry between the couple on-screen. Considering the fact that Jake and Reese were very publicly photographed in their itty bitty beach clothes just weeks ago, Ryan's decision to finally flash his mug next to Abbie's Down Under hints at an interesting case of one-upmanship by way of the paparazzi. Anything Reese can do, Ryan can do better!

[Photo credits: NYDN, Yuddy Hush, Getty]

• RYAN PHILLIPPE STEPS OUT WITH ABBIE CORNISH [People]

As you may recall, Leno made an ass out of the ass that he already is by forcing Ryan Phillippe to demonstrate his "gayest face" during Ryan's March appearance, leading to apology after ineffective apology. But at the Abbey tonight, Leno will join Katherine Heigl's gay boyfriend T.R. Knight and a whole host of same-sex couplets as they wed and rally in support of the Gays' Best Year Ever. Our minds are already being blown just imagining what on Earth Leno will wear. Will he pull a Rudy and attend in full-out Monroe drag? Pull a different kind of Rudy and don fishnets and a silk codpiece? Or will he stand firm and make absolutely sure his flyover state fans don't confuse him for one of those people and show up in his Eagle-friendly manly motorcycle ensemble of denim button-down, denim jeans and well-worn cowboy boots? More importantly, will Sexiest Vegetarian Kevin be his date? Yes, our mind has officially been blown.

• JAY LENO SAYS 'I DO' IN SUPPORT OF GAY MARRIAGE [E! Online]

When are these filmmakers going to connect the dots? Do they really think this is what American audiences want to see? It may well be that the majority of Americans wish we had never gotten into this war, but that doesn't mean they want to see the country's finest young people depicted as rapists, murderers or even just run-of-the-mill, psychologically damaged basket cases returning from combat. ...

It's all very noble in an artistic kind of way, but if they keep it up, some of them may soon be seen on the street holding signs that say "Will make antiwar films for food."

Indeed, this "artistic kind of way" of doing things is thoroughly played out, and we stand with Greg Strange in urging an end to creatively addressing social issues in movies. Still, with at least two distinguished auteurs already having hit the sidewalks with hat in hand and cow on corner (not to mention conservative firebrand Vincent Gallo establishing himself as a bona-fide eBay Gigolo&trade), we also endorse the burgeoning trend in garish, gawk-worthy sidewalk entrepreneurship. Our only hope for reconciling the two: Oliver Stone, whose forthcoming George W. Bush biopic has more cast members than investors, could surely use some right-wing influence to the tune of $30 million. Here's your sign, Ollie, and there's your corner.

• Another Iraq war movie, Stop-Loss, headed for dustbin of cinematic history [Men's News Daily]

Yikes! This is quite a difference from the "Abbie Cornish (whom Phillippe is rumored to have romanced)" revision hastily implemented just after HuffPo's item broke. This is what always happens any time Friedman breaks from his beloved, played-out Michael Jackson beat, but hats off to him and the gang at Fox for keeping the class alive by pretending his lies, rumors and innuendo never existed. Though we can't say the same for either star's lawyers, we'll pretend — for the hundredth or so time — that we didn't see that.

[Photo Credit: FilmMagic]

• First Reese Witherspoon, Now It's Ryan Phillippe's Turn in 'Stop-Loss' [Fox News]

In 1993, when he was 17, Phillippe was cast in a groundbreaking role on the long-running soap, playing the first openly gay teenager on network TV—a subject way ahead-of-its-time, and that most agree was handled responsibly. Leno then proceeds to mine the comedic gold inherent in this mock-worthy topic, starting with his best, "Gee, your parents must have been thrilled" material before segueing into a tight bit in which he suggests "that camera is your gay lover...can you give me your gayest look?" Phillippe threatens to leave twice, more seriously the second time, after Leno goes on to bring up a David LaChapelle-directed Armani ad in which Ryan is—get this guys—naked! In a fashion ad! Directed by a swishy photographer-type! How fruity is that? Phillippe ends up staying, clinging all the while to a vision of Leno flying off of a cliff in one of his ZZ Top gangster cars. We truly wish he hadn't.

• The Tonight Show [NBC]

"The recent boxoffice fate of Iraq movies has prompted Paramount to take a notably careful approach that downplays the war. The movie is being sold as an MTV Films picture with an attractive young cast (Ryan Phillippe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that will lure people to theaters for other reasons."

One of those "other reasons"? The chance to see Ryan and rumored marriage breaker-upper Abbie Cornish lust after each other on-screen, a plot line laid on thick in the trailer. Also emphasized are the killer abs of both Phillippe and co-star Channing Tatum. But all this catering to MTV's fan base may not be the dimmest light bulb to go off in a marketer's head. Considering the fates of In The Valley Of Elah ($6.7 million in boxoffice gross), Rendition ($9.7 million) and No End In Sight ($1.4 million), playing up aspects that may appeal to the Us Weekly demographic might just turn out to be a smart move. Even last year's The Kingdom, backed up by non-stop explosions and an A-list cast including Jennifer Garner and Jamie Foxx didn't even crack over $50 million. If abs and tabloid-y love stories are what it takes to get kids in the seats for an Iraq-themed tearjerker, then so be it.

• 'STOP LOSS' FACES UPHILL BATTLE [THR]
• WITH AMERICA AT WAR, HOLLYWOOD FOLLOWS [USA Today]

· Juno is officially the biggest sorta-indie movie success since My Big Fat Greek Wedding, boding not well for CBS's planned sitcom, How I Was Conceived By My Mother, which picks up where the action left off. [Variety]
· Summit Entertainment is pinning its hopes on Twilight, a vampire movie with "strong elements of a high-school romance," (read: One Bat Hill, The O-Positive C, Gossip Ghoul...OK, we'll stop.) [THR]
· Ryan Phillippe falls into Ari Emanuel's firm-yet-tender embrace, and signs with Endeavor, fully sold on their partners' passionate, "Soon they'll be calling her the ex-Mrs. Phillippe!" platform. [THR]

In today's star-studded episode: Natalie Portman and Jason Schwartzman; Sandra Oh; Sean Penn; Ryan Phillippe, Eric Dane, and Ron Jeremy; David Spade; Mischa Barton, Nicole Richie, and Joel Madden; Matthew Perry, Allison Janney, and Melissa Fitzgerald; John Krasinski and Rashida Jones; Brian Grazer; David Beckham; Michael Vartan; Terry O'Quinn; James Denton; Henry Winkler; Jenna Fischer and David Alan Grier; Adrian Grenier; Juliette Lewis and Tyler Denk; Kristen Schaal and Rhys Darby; Andy Dick; Suze Orman; Danny Bonaduce; and Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru.

· The wrong of my never having a celeb sighting at M Cafe de Chaya was righted on Friday when we saw the tiny and lovely Natalie Portman with a super cutie who appeared to be her BF. (Homeboy has a sort of Jude Law-esque pretty thing going on.) Then as I was driving away I caught a glimpse of them in the parking lot, where it turned out they ran into her recent co-star, the also diminutive Jason Schwartzman. Or maybe they had plans to meet there but someone messed up the time of lunch or something.

On my way home I drove past Sandra Oh in her Prius. Those Grey's folks are always out and about in Los Feliz and environs.

· Just was on a plane (sunday, around 12) from san fran to los angeles with sean penn. He was in united first class, and was very nice to everyone.

· McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy was leaving Dan Tana's as I was walking in last night (10/4). Eric Dane? Is that right? In the restaurant, Ryan Philllipppe was having dinner with some friends who looked famous but I couldn't place them. And later Ron Jeremy sat down across from us with some business-looking guys. He talked loudly on his phone for a good 15 minutes. C'mon Hedgehog, it's a nice restaurant —unless it was the Surreal Life producers wondering if you'd be OK bunking with Ponch and Mini-Me, the call could probably wait.

· Visitors from out-of-town and celebrity sightings usually go hand-in-hand, both because you're in trendier spots and because famous people just seem to smell the type of people who will be excited to see them eating their lettuce leaves. That's my best explanation for last Saturday (10/6), because it was a big one. First, lunch at Barney Greengrass, Mischa Barton walks by our table to a more private one in the back of the patio. She is tall, gorgeous and exceptionally well-dressed in person, which sorta makes me hate her. She is then followed by Joel Madden and Nicole Richie, who are short and very teeny (even her pregnancy bump is teeny!). Nicole was wearing a hoodie to hide herself, but Joel's rawker gear sorta stuck out like a sore thumb. Then at dinner at The Ivy that night, David Spade was either meeting the mother of his really hot and really young girlfriend or out with his sister and his mom. Not sure which, but he was a perfect gentleman, waiting for the ladies to use the bathroom and then helping them down the stairs. So a big thank you to these four for giving my mom an US Weekly-tastic trip to Los Angeles!

· Mon 10/8 just spotted Matthew Perry ambling down the main street in The Grove. He's surprisingly tall. And not bloated. He was walking with a shorter dude with long hair and a hat, think he had a coffee. Maybe he'll be in the same showing of the movie we're seeing & I can spy on him some more

....so Matthew Perry WAS in my movie at The Grove (8:20 Michael Clayton). So was an actress who used to be on The West Wing—she played CJ's assistant (Melissa Fitzgerald). Then, on our way out, we spotted a rather blonde Allison Janney by the fountain. She was with a bunch of friends and I think she was rockin' a cane. Go figure. So it was West Wing Night at The Grove (since Perry guest starred on a couple episodes)!

· Jim and Karen have not broken up — they're eating cupcakes and ham and brie sandwiches at Joan's for Sunday brunch. Rashida Jones has the "I'm dating a famous guy" act down — making sure John Krasinski's hat is pulled way down, the white V-neck shirt properly untucked, and is shielded from the gaze of the 3rd street public by positioning him away from the door and covering the blind side with backs to the rest of the diners. RJ clearly knows how to coddle a male star ... ordering the food, aggressively finding proper seating, etc.. They sat at the community table and it looked to be a cause for serious concern. RJ is pretty cool looking — severely moisturized olive skin, greenish-blue-something or other color eyes, knee high boots with a grey, slightly frumpy hipster dress, taller than I thought she would be (my expectations were low — for some reason I thought she was half midget) — and seemed like one of the boys, cracking jokes and laughing when expected to. Bravo. Krasinski — sporting huge, gigantic, monster, shield-your-eyes-white chopper teeth, a freakishly large smile, surprisingly tall and lanky — looks like a cartoon character, not a human being. It's impossible to state how ill fitted his mouth is to the rest of his head. It takes up about 50 % of the space above the neck. They were with two geeks.

· 10/6 Brian Grazer superproducing a few Double-Doubles at In-N-Out on Sunset and Orange with a friend and two kids. They walked across the drive-thru lane right in front of me and it was as the closest I've come to the rapture.

· Just got back from Mastro's tonight (10/7) and David Beckham was there with a couple of those cute little boys and an older couple. No Posh, though, unfortunately.

Also, last night (10/6) at Bar Lubitch we saw Michael Vartan. Big weekend!

· Flight from Burbank to Denver 9/28 saw James Denton (Mike Delfino, Desperate Housewives). Flight from Denver to Omaha (!?) saw the Fonz, Henry Winkler in first class. EARLY MORNING flight from Omaha to Denver on 9/30 saw Emmy winner Terry O'Quinn (Locke, Lost).

· Saw David Alan Grier at the Burbank Ikea on 10/7 with a beautiful, pregnant Asian lady. Looked like he was there as a favor, like it probably wasn't his preferred shopping venue. Walking through housewares, same Ikea same day, was Pam from the Office, aka Jenna Fischer. She looked a lot happier to be there.

· Belated sighting...I visited your fine city the weekend of Sept 22nd-24th. Saturday afternoon we crossed paths with Adrian Grenier immediately upon arrival at the Roosevelt valet. He seemed nice enough when confronted with some fawning, spray-tanned admirers (Older man: "Excuse me, but my son is such a huge fan!" Older woman: "We're ALL huge fans!"). Around 2pm on Sunday we saw him again (!) when we were parked on Maltman off Sunset, readying a list of apartments to check out. He was walking ahead of his blond girlfriend (google says her name is Melissa Keller), but talking to her. She was far enough behind him that he looked all crazy, talking to himself. I think they had just had brunch at Madam Matisse, red-sweatered dog in tow. They drove away in a silver prius. I thought it was funny that his curly mane matched his surrounding location. All groomed & shiny at the Roosevelt, then disheveled in Silver Lake. Wacky.

· On a Sunday spent going into random open houses, stopped by one on Bronson in Beachwood Canyon that was way out of my price range. As I walked around I heard the grating, nasal voice of Juliette Lewis and, sure enough, Juliette was scoping out the place with one of the model guys from The Amazing Race a couple seasons ago, who my friend has ascertained is Tyler Denk. Apparently they are dating? Or maybe he is considering joining The Church and she's being a good sport and showing him places in close, inescapable proximity to the Centre... Hmm... apparently I have been informed by my friend that Tyler Denk and Juliette Lewis were there independently of one another, although that's not necessarily what it looked like to me.

· At the Brewery Art Walk downtown on Saturday, I saw Rhys Darby and Kristen Schaal (Murray and Mel from Flight of the Conchords) discussing art things with a studio owner. She had on a cute little black dress and looked lovely. He looked kind of hipster-ish with jeans, a button down shirt, a cap and a little scruffiness. The best part is that Kristen Schaal sounds exactly the same as she does on the show. Love them both and love the show!

· I saw Andy Dick at The Magic Castle last Wednesday (Oct 3). He was a total jerk. Talking loud during the shows, heckling the magicians...I heard someone say he was almost thrown out of the closeup room. At one point a magician told him (or maybe it was one of his equally rude entourage) to "shut up" and the audience applauded. When I left at about midnight he was at the bar. I'm always a little skeptical of stories about "bad star behavior," but I saw it for myself. Andy Dick is a dick.

· Sat., Oct 6, at the Eagle Rock Music Festival—Suze Orman (Oprah magazine money guru and middle America's 2nd or 3rd favorite lesbian) waving her hands in the air like she just didn't care and greeting friends—seemed happy and very financially secure.

· Saw Danny Bonaduce at the Farmer's Market Sunday evening (10/7). He appeared to be doing loops in an attention seeking way. I wanted to somehow let him know that I was a big fan of his Fairplay toss off, but I was sort of scared of the guy. Looks very tightly wound. He was with a woman with dark hair, not his gold digging ex though.

· Friday night at Akbar, I very drunkenly nearly walked into Steven "Cojo" Cojocaru, who seemed to be nervously surveying his environment and suggesting something to his companion along the lines of, "Let's go...over...there...Away from this person drunkenly examining my plastic surgery scars two inches from my face."

In a response filed Tuesday, Phillippe also cited irreconcilable differences but asked for joint legal custody and physical custody of the children as well as visitation granted "to both parties, equally allocated." [...]

The documents filed with the court in November and this week do not list separate or community property, saying the nature of the assets has yet to be determined.

Witherspoon's petition requested that the court not grant any spousal support to Phillippe. There was no request for support in Phillippe's petition.

Phillippe's refusal to seek any sort of spousal support is a promising sign that the actor has made significant breakthroughs during his relatively brief time attending meetings at the Beverly Hills outpost of Lesser-Wattage Hollywood Husbands Who Refuse to be Emasculated by Their Significant Ex's $15 Million Asking Price Anonymous. Still, all it takes is one misinterpreted sidelong glance at the adjudication or an inflexible request for full ownership of the Le Creuset cookware collection before proceedings escalate into all-out warfare, with both parties hurling accusations that the other crazy side knowingly sent their children to school with substandard brownbagged meals containing nary a Capri Sun or Lunchable.

• Phillippe wants joint custody with Witherspoon [AP]

I was told about this posting and I needed to update you that, this was not a public offering but more of a 1 time party that was offered to celebrate and promote his movie release thru my talent buyers data base only.

It has nothing not do with him needing to make extra money but more of a celebration and promotion for the movie out in theatres now thru a friend of his asking for my assistance.

Thank you -
Mike Esterman
Celebrity Agent

So there you have it: Phillippe was looking to do some movie promotion, not trying to get into the hosting game to pick up a little mad money. This news comes as a huge relief, as the thought of the actor dropping the kids off at Reese Witherspoon's house and telling them, "Have fun with Mommy tonight. Daddy has to go to Area for a mobile phone launch party and pretend to have fun pouring vodka shots down Kimberly Stewart's throat all night," is just too upsetting to bear.

• Previously: Ryan Phillippe CareerWatch: Actor Now Entertaining Party Hosting Offers [Defamer]

Of course, we must also entertain the possibility that this is some kind of hoax being perpetrated by CAA in its efforts to impress new client Reese Witherspoon by "taking care" of her Phillippe problem.

• Previously: CAA Assimilates Reese Witherspoon [Defamer]

"We hired him. We out-sourced," explained a BWR spokeswoman, giving the official story. "We thought we might need the extra help, but we didn't. It turned out, smaller is better."

Unofficially, an insider said the flacks at Sitrick "gave a fake story to In Touch. They did a not-kosher thing, and that's uncool. They [bleep]ing lied."

In Touch quotes Phillippe as saying in an "exclusive interview," "I'm not jealous of her, that's so far from the truth. She's someone who's very talented and works hard. I've done well, too - that was never an issue."

Phillippe was also quoted, "This is the hardest time of my life - I miss my family."

The problem wasn't so much the quotes, which sound like what Phillippe would say - it was that BWR had already put Phillippe on the phone with People magazine for their "exclusive interview."

While such antics might do some damage to a PR firm's relationship with the glossy outlets desperate for any thoroughly publicist-vetted nugget upon which they can slap a 30-point EXCLUSIVE! headline, we think Sitrick can use this controversy to its advantage, selling themselves as an agency so full-service that its clients don't even need to be bothered with interrupting their busy schedules long enough to actually say the inconsequential things they'll later read about in In Touch and People.

• PHILLIPPE SPIN DOCTOR DUMPED [Page Six]

• Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe Split [TMZ.com]

In this week's Kiefercentric episode: Ryan Phillippe; Jodie Foster; Joaquin Phoenix; Eva Longoria; Jamie Foxx; Kiefer Sutherland; Johnny Knoxville; Kirsten Dunst and Andy Samberg; Wilmer Valderrama; Brendan Fraser; Andy Dick; Courtney Love, Frances Bean, and Kimberly Stewart; William Shatner; Matthew Perry; Benicio Del Toro; Jeremy Piven; Warren Beatty; Catherine Keener; Timothy Olyphant; John Mayer; Danny Masterson, Bijou Phillips and Bai Ling; Kelly Osbourne; John C. Reilly and Peaches; Parker Posey; Mila Kunis, Macaulay Culkin and Seth Green; Elisha Cuthbert; Michelle Trachtenberg; Chad Lowe; Skeet Ulrich; John Krasinski; Michael Goorjian; Bruce Villanche, Chris Kattan and Ann Turkel; Apolo Ohno; Constantine Maroulis; Radha Mitchell; Eric Idle; Lisa Loeb, Anthony Kiedis and Lacy Chabert; Eugene Levy; Jennifer Coolidge; Joey McIntyre; Forest Whitaker; Cynthia Watros; Emilie de Ravin; Robert Sean Leonard and Louis Lombardi; Milo Ventimiglia; Tim Meadows; Rob McElhenney; Joel McHale; Sarah Shahi; Jeffrey Jones; Michael Colton and John Aboud.

· I just saw Ryan Phillippe of "Crash" and "Reese Witherspoon spouse" fame in Brentwood village. He was crossing the street in front of Brentair Pharmacy and was having a verbal argument with some dude following him in an SUV. Not sure what caused the tiff but Mr. Phillippe was heard saying "F*&k you man, you're not going to sue me, I'm going to sue you!" and my personal favorite "Enjoy your restraining order man". I spun around in complete shock and surprise that in this day and age of celebrity gossip that this was not being captured by some eager paparazzi but none were in sight. I was actually more surprised that he was acting like this in public when mere mortals like myself could be catching it on a camera phone or in this case, giving the info. to defamer. Ryan is quite short and gangsta in a wannabe way with side tilted baseball cap,wife beater and track pants. He eventually told the guy in the SUV to "F#@k and then got into his own SUV and sped off, gangsta lean in tact. I was left with the impression that Ryan has quite a temper and very little regard for his PR person but on closer evaluation it occurred to me that the guy in the SUV following him might have been the paparazzi that I was searching for. So maybe it wasn't as crazy as it looked and it was a mere celebrity/paparazzi disagreement. Either way it was my first eye witness encounter of an angry celeb in public since moving to LA 4 years ago, sadly....that's not saying much.

· 3/22/06, 8:24 a.m. Jodie Foster, at the Starbucks at Robertson and Santa Monica, teaching Basic American Values to her two kids. The Starbucks turned out to be closed for renovation, so they were giving out free coffee and muffins on the sidewalk. One of the kids graciously received a muffin, and then said "I thought they would be blueberry," to which Jodie replied, "hey, beggars can't be choosers."

· 3/16 - jodie foster getting the same coffee as my father at some starbucks in weho on santa monica. i pointed her out to my dad, whom i had just picked up from the airport for his very first trip to l.a., and he loudly says "well i've never been a big jodie foster fan."

3/18 - chad lowe standing outside the universal studios offices on santa monica in santa monica.

· Friday 3/17 Ringside/Mellowdrone show at the Troubadour, stood in line at will call behind Skeet Ulrich wearing a baseball cap. He didn't get in at first but someone must has fixed the problem because he made it in shortly after. I also spotted "The Ice Princess" aka Michelle Trachtenberg. Joaquin Phoenix was there as well as David Arquette. Monday 3/20 had the pleasure of going to the "Yo Momma" party hosted by Wilmer "Big Wil"(as he called himself on stage)Valderrama at Priviledge. They had a mini red carpet with a "Yo Momma" back drop. Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx were there and I have absolutely no idea why. Do they realize this show is basically a live version of the 90's book "Snaps?"

· Went skiing this weekend and had a great sighting of Kiefer Sutherland in the cafeteria at Mammoth Mountain. He is much sorter than expected — maybe about 5'8 and looks just as rough in person as he does on 24. The funniest part was they he was wearing a bright red sweater with little snowflakes on it...kind of like something your Mom gives you at Christmastime and you shove in the bottom drawer to avoid hurting her feelings but never really wear. He was talking loudly and gesticulating wildly in that "hey notice me, but don't you dare come talk to me way." His table of friends (right by the cashier line of the cafeteria) were laughing loudly and hanging on his every word. T'was a lovely thing to ski at Gay Ski weekend.

· Heading into Shogun restaurant in Mammoth this past Saturday, I nearly tripped over a shockingly diminutive Kiefer Sutherland walking out with what looked like a posse of scruffy snowboarding pals. I thought Hollywood folks only went to glam resorts like Aspen & Deer Valley. Guess Kiefer is keeping it real with the rest of the LA-locals.

· 3/12 - kiefer sutherland at vert. remarkable if only because this was the first time i had seen him outside los feliz and/or sober.

· Wow, I am "defaming" on my sidekick. Shoot me now. Johnny Knoxville just walked into barneys beanery by himself. Monday night....1030.

· Tonight we saw Andy Samberg and Kirsten Dunst at Iroha Sushi (Coldwater and Ventura). Bizzaro. She looked like a bag lady (as per usus) but has great hair extensions. He looked his typical nebbishy self. They were not canoodling but did seem to have good chemistry. Guess SNL is a repeat tonight!

· Don't know if you give a shit about sightings outside of LA [Ed.note—We don't, but for Andy Dick, we'll allow it.] but since you've commented on Andy Dick's shitty movie at SXSW I thought I'd describe his after-premiere behavior:

Sat nite (3/11) at the Side Bar in Austin - waiting in line for the men's and got skipped by a skinny blonde chick who couldn't hold up her head and a dorky 40ish dude. Peeked into the john to see if there was an open spot and realized that the skinny chick was actually Andy Dick - he had his last-name in his hand and was spraying the floor in a 360-degree pattern. His dorky friend looked up, apologized and tried to clean up with the entire roll of paper towels — his reward? Dick grabs up all the yellowed towels
and smothers his friend's face - he then burst out of the john with his last-name hanging out of his pants.

· Yesterday, we had a late Monday brunch at Hugo's and saw Brendan Fraser. He looked like a cute schoolboy, complete with a backpack over both shoulders, his nose in a magazine, and a knit cap on his head (so no reports on the state of his hair). After he left, in walked Mila Kunis and Macaulay Culkin! Mila looked a little rough, complaining to her boy the whole time; they both seemed tired and upset.

· Mid-afternoon, day after St. Patrick's Day. Mila Kunis, Macaulay Culkin and Seth Green seated with a big group in the bar at Barney's Beanery in WeHo. Not trying too hard to lay low, Mila let out a huge shriek to get her friend's attention at the door and scared the hell out of me and a few others around the bar. They seemed really down to earth and fun— especially when Mila had an Irish Car Bomb with the college kids nearby.

· Sunday night @ Mr.Chow in Beverly Hills - Courtney Love, Frances Bean, and Kimberly Stewart dining together. William Shatner and a female companion were also in the building.

· 03/17 Arclight - Matthew Perry in glasses. Boring, I know. Never mind. It's just a reflex now to e-mail you.

· Sunday morning at Toast, while waiting outside for a table, saw John Krasinski pace up and down Third, solo - probably waiting for a table, too. Then last night at Dan Tana's, sat in a booth next to Benicio Del Toro and a male friend, both of whom were fixated on the Cuba-Japan baseball championship on tv. Benicio was unmistakeable, but man, he looks like he's put on a few years and a few pounds.

· Sitting at the sushi bar on Sawtelle with a friend last night and in walks Jeremy Piven looking very glum and serious. As the sushi is slightly curved and I am sitting at one end, I'm sort of facing him as I talk to my friend and I'm thinking he looks really good for his age. Nice skin, well fed. No one is bothering him and most of the Japanese people in the place have no idea who he is. As I look over towards him he lock eyes with me and GLARES. He then spends the rest of the evening glowering and eating huge quantities of fish. What a grouch....maybe he was pissed that there were no 16 year old girls in the place to hit on.

· Saw Warren Beatty in Studio City this weekend. I can confirm he eats his cold desserts, one scoop at a time.

· I'm on the late freight, but last Friday (March 10), I attended the UCLA Hammer Museum gala (read lame, self-important) to close out its Masters of American Comics exhibit and as I listened to people read way too much into Peanuts, I glanced to the person standing next to me and it was Deadwood's Timothy Olyphant and his silly mustache. He was wearing the standard artsy-guy turtleneck and intently checking out "Gasoline Alley."

· I know he isn't tabloid gold but I spotted singer John Mayer walking around the Promenade in Santa Monica Saturday. I didn't even recognize him until I saw a few people do double takes as he walked past. His hair was long and curly and he looked really really thin, also way taller than I expected. He was with a really pretty girl with auburn hair I would kill for. Not sure what the relationship was between them but he did do the 'hand on the small of her back' thing when they walked into the Diesel store.

· at the launch of mean magazine's fashion issue or whatever it was at LAX (snooze), we saw danny masterson (hair a lot less fro-y than imagined), bijou phillips (shorter and uber plain), bai ling (can someone tell this girl to not booty shake on the dance floor? it made no sense... she wasn't even grinding up on to someone) and mike watt (who was too cool for that lame party...as in, we literally think mike watt was light years cooler than everyone else there who basically looked like back up dancers). but hey, thanks for the free booze!

· 3/13: John C. Reilly and singer Peaches skating hand in hand at the the Moonlight Roller Rink in Glendale. She was wearing a leotard replete with ruffles and sparkles and he looked like a dad in light cargo pants and a short-sleeved plaid shirt. Quite a sight, that. Later on he was sort of skate-dancing alone to "PYT" by Michael Jackson, halfheartedly mouthing the lyrics and looking rather content. It was all very Paul Thomas Anderson. I thought it would be funny to get next to him, fall on purpose and bring him down with me, but it was crowded and I don't have health insurance, so I didn't do it after all. But next time, maybe.

· two sightings

on tuesday 3/14, i saw elisha cuthbert at terminal 2 of lax. I spotted the back of a petite blonde girl at the newsstand and she looked like a typical trendy LA chick wearing a loose black top, black leggings and white cowboy boots. her shoulder length hair was a shade of blonde that was probably not created by nature. then i saw her leaving the starbucks and realized it was "kim bauer"

on friday 3/17, i saw michael goorjian from party of five sitting on a couch at the grove's barnes & noble. his hair was mussed and he looked really tired. he was looking at something on his apple laptop. he was wearing a brown corduroy jacket and jeans.

· Dragged my sorry behind to the Kitsch Fest Grand Gala Premiere of "Adam & Steve" at the Cinerama Dome (no, not the cool dome room, sigh, an adjunct room) and laughed and groaned next to ex-supermodel Ann Turkel (perfect nails. Perfect. Thought she was Amanda Lapore at first) sitting next to galpal Nikki "Starcaps" Haskell. Behind me was Parker Posey, in—natch a vintage thing, (she RULES in the flick, BTW) who spent a goodly portion of the film maniacally removing every speck of spilled popcorn off her seat. Bruce "Fat Again" Villanche peed next to me in the men's and I wanted to peak just because but didn't wanna encourage, well, you know...John C. Reilly was hanging about quietly, Chris Kattan was hanging about loudly and Sally Kirkand brought her pal Vincent DePaul (no 'Saint' he...stop me with the quotes and parenthesis, already!) Oh, yeah that Bentley whoevah brother was there in dapper bowler and such, sat next to Nikki and harhar-ed through the whole film...ANNOYING! Hey, since this was a premiere, does any of this star spotting shiz really count? Let me know so I won't bore you at the next event with my ramblings...

· On Monday, March 20th, saw Apolo Ohno and a short, pretty woman (his girlfriend?) at The Coffee Bean on Sunset Boulevard. I was just walking out to the parking lot with a group of friends as he was walking backwards toward us, facing the woman, talking and laughing. He almost ran into my friend before the woman told him to watch out. They looked happy and cute together, but he's reallllly short!! Wore a nice leather jacket though.

· 3/16: I had a great sighting of Constantine Maroulis (you know, Bo Bice s inferior from last years American Idol) at the Cingular store on Beverly near the Beverly Center just three hours ago. As you may or may not know, that Cingular store makes you sign in when you walk through the door and wait for someone to call your name. I was in the process of waiting for my name to be called when a guy walked in that looked just like Constantine. He had the long, unwashed brown hair, was carefully unshaven and was wearing those big rocker sunglasses. Of course, that describes about half the guys in LA. He looked so much like Constantine that I figured it couldn t possibly be him, so I ignored him. Well, he didn t sign in. He just went and got behind someone else in line. After standing there and looking like a kick ass rocker for about 5 minutes, the Cingular Guy (who was still working with a customer) asks Rocker Guy, Can I help you, sir? After wiping the dumb look off his face, Rocker Guy retorts, I m waiting for help, incredulous at the question. And the Cingular Guy patiently, without attitude, said, Oh, you need to sign in at the front and we ll call you. Well, Rocker Guy looked like someone told him to go fuck himself in Chinese (you know, confused and angry at the same time). He says, What?! The Cingular Guy repeats himself. Sign in at the front door and we ll call your name. Now Rocker Guy just looks perplexed (maybe if he took his sunglasses off inside he d be able to see and comprehend things better). Rocker Guy: What else did you say? Cingular Guy: Nothing, sir. Now, I m ten feet away. The guy didn t say anything besides the above and was not being snide or snarky. Instead, he was trying to be helpful. Well, Rocker Guy loses it. He points at Cingular Guy, over the customer being helped and says, Don t you fucking condescend to me! You re the one that fucking works at Cingular! No exaggeration. And he says condescend just like Brad Pitt did in True Romance with like three extra vowels and two extra n s. It was hilarious and everyone in the store saw it. Of course, after that craziness, you expect him to storm out. But, no! He goes and signs his name and waits. I figured he would have been tossed for dropping the F-bomb alone, but no one says or does anything. I just tried not to crack up. After the outburst, though, I m positive it s not Constantine. No one remotely in the public eye would make that much as of an ass of himself over something so stupid. Not two minutes later, though, Rocker Guy takes off his sunglasses and reveals himself to be, yes, THE Constantine.

· Thursday, March 16, the Roxy. Radha Mitchell and her very metro-looking Aussie beau watching Spacifix (a New Zealand band). She sat on his lap ventriloquist-style for most of the show but seemed really into the music. After the set, she and Aussie-boy went up to On The Rox and hung out with the band for a few minutes. She's really small; kind of like a female Frodo, but much, much prettier. She's got great skin, the glowy kind that all the girls have these days.

· Saw Eric Idle (of Monty Python fame) spending a very low-key St. Paddy's evening at the Geffen Playhouse watching Mamet's Boston Marriage. He was sitting on a bench during intermission, talking to a middle-aged blond woman. Neither looked too excited. Couldn't get close enough to overhear any conversation, but I like to think they were coming to the conclusion that David Mamet is a hack. Must say, Eric didn't seem very much in the spirit of the holiday - he was not wearing any green and no alcohol in sight. For shame. (A surprise cameo by a drunken and slurring Not-Quite-So-Brave Sir Robin would have made the play a much more enjoyable experience.)

· Friday 3/17 I have just turned in from a "star" studded evening. Went to a Gen Art fashion show at the Park Plaza near McArthur Park and saw Lisa Loeb, Anthony Kiedis (who I might add is shorter than I am and I'm 5' 4" plus heels... I was towering over him) and GFY's poster-girl Bai Ling. When I saw her I squealed with excitement, she's just as trashy and weird in person! And the last Gen Art sighting was Lacy Chabert looking as mediocre in person as on screen, which by the way in her case the camera subtracts ten pounds. Later at Vine Bar saw Kelly Osbourne and she's not fat! Why does everyone call her fat? She looked awesome and she's gorgeous, well dressed and has really cute hair.

· Eugene Levy having brunch with a surgically tweaked blonde at Terry's in the Palisades Village on Monday morning. He actually looked somewhat dapper in person—houndstooth blazer, white button-down, jeans. Not quite so touchingly awkward in real life. Actually stepped OUTSIDE to take a cell phone call (lovely, polite man), but that left his blondie inside by herself for the greater part of 30 minutes. She didn't look amused. Who knew that Jim's Dad was remotely smooth?

· Saturday the 18th, around 9 a.m. at the Starbucks near off Cauhenga near the 101... My friend and I were walking into Starbucks when a disheveled blond woman pushed her way out, but then apologized. At first glance, it looked like Goldie Hawn, circa early 1990's, but then we realized it was Jennifer Coolidge. MUCH smaller than expected and obviously nice.

· Joey McIntyre from New Kids on the Block, script in hand at the Standard in West Hollywood.

· On Saturday 3/18 in the evening, saw Forest Whitaker at the North Hollywood Target. He was looking slimmer than you'd expect. This means either that the North Hollywood Target is more high brow than you'd expect or that Forest Whitaker, post-hosting the Twilight Zone, is even more low brow than you'd think.

· monday 03/20 at the american airlines terminal at lax... cynthia watros ("libby" the blonde shrink from "lost," who might be soon dating funny fatguy "hurley") waiting in the first class security screening with two young girls, maybe twins.. (her daughters?) she looked younger, fitter and certainly more attractive than her widely-circulated DWI mugshot from hawaii.. i didn't smell any booze on her myself... aloha!

· Emilie de Ravin at the Corner Bakery at the Grove, today, 3/23. She was with a tall skinny guy (maybe her boyfriend? I know they live here in LA) and a guy in a wheelchair. She is teeny tiny with flawless skin.

· It seems that my nail salon is the hang out for semi-famous, instantly recognizable TV/movie stars.

First Robert Sean Leonard, now Louis Lombardi. I admit - had to go to IMDB for the name, but I at once knew it was Agent Skip from Sopranos and recently deceased Edgar Stiles from 24. He has a very pleasant smile.

Can I mention that Catherine Keener also gets her nails done there? Haven't had a recent sighting; the last time was after 40-Year Old Virgin but before Capote. After she left ("I gotta go pick up my kid") several of the women commented how much they loved her; little did we realize there was a future Oscar nominee drying her OPI Red in our midst.

· 3/18/06 Saw that guy from Gilmore Girls, Milo Ventimiglia (very short and surprisingly very good looking in person) with an also very short and very good looking blonde tonight having dinner at Via Venetto in Santa Monica. I think he is so much hotter than Adam Brody. They were both drinking sodas... who goes to a restaurant with a killer wine list and drinks diet coke?? They looked very cozy. I am a closet Gilmore Girls fan and was instantly struck by the fact that Milo's real life girlfriend (Rory Gilmore herself, one Alexis Bledel) was nowhere in sight. I was even more surprised to learn upon asking the very friendly waitstaff that Milo's blonde company was herself a regular at the restaurant and also an actress on some fox show Ive never heard of. Hmmm... trouble in B list tv paradise?

· Saturday, I was enjoying a night with my ladies at the bowling alley on Pico and 4th in Santa Monica, and we were joined by The Ladies Man himself, Tim Meadows, who was there for a birthday party. Like every celebrity in the world, he's shorter than I would have guessed, but he's also much more handsome in person and looked sharp in a pressed white shirt. I would have let him buy me a Courvoisier, but my bowling sucks even without alcohol. Also, he did not offer.

· Day after St. Patrick's Day, up-until-four-AM hangover notwithstanding, I needed to run some errands at my local Sav-On. Whom should I see in the aisles, but Rob McElhenney from FX show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He took his time picking out (I think) deodorant. Not sure if he really qualifies as "star" material, but hell, I recognized him and I've only seen him in the ads while watching Rescue Me. Oh, and he is completely adorable and handsome, if slightly disheveled.

· At the Grove movie theater, saw surprisingly handsome Joel McHale (from The Soup) wearing a sideways baseball cap and playing with a little kid. Really adorable.

· I saw Sarah Shahi (from Showtime`s L Word and NBC Teachers) walking out of Urth Caffe today Thursday March 22 , holding hands with a girl while walking 2 little dogs.

· Plugging the parking meter on South Beverly Drive in the 90212 yesterday and I see convicted pederast Jeffrey Jones stumbling his way down the sidewalk. Ed Rooney was kickin it in the always "in" blue Adidas warm ups and the navy blue sportcoat. He looked a few days removed from a shower, hairbrush, razor and sobriety. Walked right through the heart of BH agent-land and even passed a few assistant and young turk types who didnt even do a double take. Damn it must feel good to be a gangster.

· Do VH1 Best Week Ever commentators rank a privacywatch note? Probably not, it's embarassing to think we'd be counting 2nd-order simulacra celebrities. I don't even know their names. Anyway, on Beverly Dr. in Beverly Hills, walking past Williams-Sonoma. (okay, quick web check shows it was Michael Colton and John Aboud - who I guess earn actual points for Modern Humorist).

While the cast of Crash accepted their award for Best Cast Motion Picture, Ryan Phillippe makes his way over to presenter Morgan Freeman. As soon as Don Cheadle finishes the acceptance speech and the cast is dispersing, you can hear Ryan say to Morgan through the open microphone:

"I've always wanted to meet you...you just met Reese, my wife...I just finished a film with Clint Eastwood, he loved you a lot."

You have to admire the stunning efficiency of Phillippe's ass-kissing. Even tangled in the chaos of an entire ensemble cast accepting its award, he still managed to single out Freeman, and in two, brief sentences, establish that he's married to and has been directed by future and past Oscar-winners, then escape before his hero even knew that his hindquarters were being so publicly pampered.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Ryan Hearts Morgan [Would You Blog Me]