“[Martin] admits that he worried he was gay while growing up. ‘It was more like, 'Oh shit, what if? But then it struck me: who gives a shit? When you're a kid you think, 'I'm going to burn in hell for eternity if I like other guys or if I marry someone Jewish'. He eventually realized he was heterosexual. ‘I was swayed by boobs.’”

After revealing his ultimate conclusion that boobs were just more fantastic than any part of the male anatomy, Martin has the following to say about his love-hate relationship with Americans (shouldn't RS have reminded him that, ahem, his wife is from these parts despite her case of the Madonnas?): "It's a bummer, because over half of Americans are the coolest people on the planet. Of course, Barack Obama is human like the rest of us. He's going to fuck up." We'll forgive Martin for including Paltrow in the "cool" half, but his admitted insecurity issues dealing with the fact that he's dating Brad's ex are hard to swallow: "You've got to be hungry...If your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you'd want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?...I've only been in one serious relationship...Is that weird? I don't think it's that weird." No Chris, we don't think it's that weird, but you know what is? Giving a flying fuck that Paltrow spent some hairstyle-matching years on Pitt's arm. Just because Pitt's sperm may be magically charged with robust twin-making soldiers as compared to your one-at-a-time guys, it shouldn't matter to you because, hey, you got the girl. Chill out, enjoy her hooker wardrobe phase, and write a song about it.

• THE JESUS OF UNCOOL [Rolling Stone]
• COLDPLAY STAR CHRIS MARTIN ADMITS HE IS JEALOUS OF GWYNETH PALTROW'S EX BRAD PITT [Daily Telegraph]

Apparently not entirely on top of his clients' current affairs as he should be, Sheen's publicist Stan Rosenfield issued a statement to the NY Post letting them know that "this is an old, old, old story. But, if you're looking for a really good story, I heard that Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe are getting a divorce." As the RS story alleges, Sheen had been using Nici's services up until last year. So either Rosenfield has absolutely no idea what the article claims, or thinks the usage of "old" three times will make last year seem just as long ago as 1954. In addition to adding a few more gossip pages into his Google Reader, Rosenfield might want to consider how prophecies he once made to the American Journalism Review have come to fruition: "Freedom of the press doesn't mean you have to be vitriolic...but [the press], in their rush to be super-competitive, gave the control to us. Any power, eventually we're going to lose it."

[Photo credit: Splash]

• SHEEN STAYED HOT FOR HOOKERS [NY Post]

· Grigoriadis describes Britney as being "an inbred swamp thing who chain-smokes, doesn't do her nails, tells reporters to 'eat it, snort it, lick it, fuck it' and screams at people who want pictures for their little sisters."
· On the trip that she took to Vegas where she ended up marrying her high-school boyfriend Jason Alexander, "she packed her bags on a plane for three days of partying in Las Vegas - cocaine during the evening, Ecstasy in the early morning and Xanax to sleep, according to Alexander."
· Britney lost her virginity to a high school boyfriend named Reg Jones at 14, despite repetitive claims that Justin popped her sacred cherry. [Britney denies this]
· In 2000, Britney covered the Rolling Stones' classic "Satisfaction." But when "she found herself in an elevator with Mick Jagger, she had no idea who he was."
· In 2002, Justin Timberlake broke up with Britney after finding "a mash note" written by Wade Robson in her dressing room, just hours before they were set to perform on Saturday Night Live.
· Britney's original concept for the "Everytime" video was for her "to die in an overflowing bathtub with pills and booze strewn around, and get reincarnated as a baby."
· During the time that he was a fixture on the L.A. club scene, Kevin Federline's nickname was "Meat Pole."
· Britney asked for her divorce from Federline via text message, which prompted K. Fed to write this on a bathroom wall: "Today I'm a free man — Fuck a wife, give me my kids, bitch!"
· After the famous shaving her head incident, "she stayed up for 48 hours straight, driving around, sucking down dozens of Red Bulls, afraid that she was being followed by demons, or that a cell-phone charger was taping her thoughts."
· During rehearsals for the 2007 VMAs, Justin Timberlake tried to mend fences with Britney by knocking on her dressing room door. Britney "refused to come out", as she was "waiting for a wig [created] by master coiffeur Ken Paves."
· Britney hired Sam Lufti as her manager based on this line item from his resume — he was Kevin Federline's private eye. He also endeared himself by revealing to Britney's assistant that there "was a tap on Britney's phones and a warrant to search her Malibu home for drugs."
· There are 20 members of the paparazzi assigned to follow Britney at all times.

To capsulize Rolling Stone's discoveries in one pointed conclusion, Grigoriadis summarizes Britney's current situation by saying, "she's the canary in the coal mine of our culture, the most vivid representation of the excesses of the past decade. She didn't think there was a tomorrow worth saving for, and neither did we."

• THE TRAGEDY OF BRITNEY SPEARS [Rolling Stone]

A wail emerges from the cubby — guttural, vile, the kind of base animalistic shriek only heard at a family member's deathbed. 'Fuck these bitches,' screams Britney, each word ringing out between sobs. She's spitting, growling ... 'Fuck you, fuck people, fuck, fuck, fuck.'"

All this in just an excerpt? Forgive us if our schadenfreude is showing, but we're waking up at 7am on Friday, hungover or not, to get our hands on this one.

• THE TRAGEDY OF BRITNEY SPEARS [Rolling Stone]