After the network deemed the unsuccessful runs of Pirate Master and Kid Nation too high brow for American viewers, Greatest American Dog will surely become the feather in its cap. GAD is a brilliant idea, because there's nothing more riveting than simultaneously playing ball with your dog while watching someone play ball with his dog on national television!

Each week, the lovable pups and their owners compete in a Dog Bone Challenge. The winner gets extra-special kibble served in their luxury suite, while the loser must 'ruff' it in the outdoor dog house. How compelling! Of course, no show can claim to be a reality show without including an elimination challenge, because elimination challenges are real. Each week, the dogs and owners are asked to perform in a Best In Show Challenge in front of a panel of distinguished judges. And if little Moochie or Hadley can't raise a paw on command, then he can kiss that future appearance on I Love New York goodbye. And, unfortunately, last night Michael and Boston terrier Esmerelda (call her Ezzie!) were sent to the dogs.

The last dog standing walks away with the title Greatest American Dog and $250,000, presumably to purchase a life-long (8 years!) supply of pig's ears and Peanut Puppers. Of course, with instant fame comes inevitable heartbreak, and our once floppy-eared pal will end up spending his days licking himself and doing meth. Or worse, he'll end up in a sex tape with one of Hilton's mutts.

• Greatest American Dog [CBS]
• Snap Judgement: CBS'Greatest American Dog [E! Online]

When Bravo debuted Queer Eye For The Straight Guy back in 2003, the network's tiny audience and overall lack of buzz went away overnight, replaced by soaring ratings, critical praise and a groundbreaking moment for gay-themed television. Sure, Will And Grace had already proven that a mass audience could accept the sight of two guys kissing, but a sitcom featuring abnormally handsome straight-in-real-life actors couldn't compare to Queer Eye's cast of flamboyantly charming girly boys and their instant appeal among stay-at-home moms and former soap obsessives.

And, intelligently, Bravo capitalized on the show's success by producing endless reality shows featuring gay characters and themes. They started launching shows about styling hair (Shear Genius) to cooking (Top Chef) and, of course, their flagship runaway hit, Project Runway. And as we all know by now, Lifetime (who coincidentally picked up a Queer Eye spin-off starring Carson Kressley) has jumped on the glamour bandwagon by stealing PR away in an effort to exhibit a similar "cool" factor. It was inevitable that TLC would follow suit, and their decision to feature Jennifer Lopez in this upcoming snoozer will undoubtedly appeal to all 6.5 million drag queens who impersonate her on a nightly basis. Our only concern? How exactly will they film Marc Anthony during the day? Don't vampires tend to whither under bright lights? Fingers crossed their solution doesn't include featuring him solely in bedroom scenes (shudder).

[Photo credit: FilmMagic]

• J.LO TO GIVE CABLE'S TLC A GLIMPSE OF HER TWINS' TLC [NYDN]

We guess. Grab an antibiotic and follow the jump for the program info.

From the Columbine High School massacre that left an indelible scar across the country to the more recent horrors that occurred at Virginia Tech, we'll explore these terrifying crimes, uncover what provoked them and examine how the world today has changed as a result of these atrocities.

The two-hour special includes interviews from victims' family members and survivors who recount the gripping life-and-death moments. Plus learn about the inspirational stories of those who sacrificed to save others. And hear from experts including psychologists, criminal profilers and key law enforcement personnel as they take you inside the warped minds of the individuals whose behavior shaped, shocked and forever changed our world.

Yes, let's "examine how the world today has changed as a result of these atrocities." For starters, E! can actually find advertisers for a two-hour show interweaving 33 deaths in mere minutes at Virginia Tech with teases for The Girls Next Door and Father Hood (among other programming). Then there's the unapologetic conflation of "shocking violence" with "entertainment" — as in, "Thanks for watching E! News; stay tuned for Going Postal: 15 Most Shocking Acts of Violence. Seacrest out!" We don't take much seriously at Defamer HQ, but, yeah, seriously: Fuck this show.

So anyway, forgive any preachiness perceived herein, BUT: If you happen to run into someone from E! — or if you yourself happen to be from E! — please do your part to sabotage this broadcast. Turn off the satellite. Trip the fire alarm. Piss on the tape. We're close enough to Hell without sprinting breathlessly into its sulphur horizons. And anyway, Joel McHale can't even follow a True Hollywood Story, let alone Seung-Hui Cho.

• Massacres, Murders: Now THAT's Entertainment! [Tabloid Baby]

"She believes a reality show is a no-brainer. She can be herself and not have to study lines...Several production companies are interested in a Britney reality show and are willing to pay her millions."

But considering her lockdown with dad Jamie and void in her social calendar, we're not exactly sure what twists and plotlines Britney has to showcase these days. We suppose prepping for and attending Jamie Lynn's upcoming nuptials down South would make for a couple of quasi-interesting episodes, but we have yet to find an answer to our most burning question: what does Britney do all day? According to Starpulse, most of her time is currently spent meeting with tacky designer Ed Hardy to plan a children's clothing line. Is what the world needs right now really footage of Britney wearing logo hoodies and sewing onesies in her Justin shrine?

[Photo credit: X17]

• CHAOTIC: THE SEQUEL [DListed]
• BRITNEY SPEARS EYES FASHIONABLE FUTURE [Starpulse]

As The Sun reports, the icing on Hef's 82nd birthday cake included walking into his suite at a Vegas hotel to find Anderson inside, wearing nothing but high heels. We're not sure such trousers-tightening surprises are the wisest stunts to pull now that Hef is reaching a certain age, but observers said no medics were called. As hotel owner George Maloof put it, "He was stunned and had the biggest smile I've ever seen." Which is all fine and dandy, but if the lap dance was so public that even the hotel owner was invited, shouldn't there be pictures of the uninhibited Pammy floating around by now? We'll be waiting.

[Photo Credit: Lillith E-zine]

• ANDERSON TO STAR IN E! REALITY SERIES [Var]
• PAMELA ANDERSON STRIPS OFF FOR HUGH HEFNER'S BIRTHDAY [The Sun]

"It's very hard to find companies in the nonscripted space that are prolific creators and owners of content and whose last names don't begin with 'S' or 'B'."

Endemol will have a 51% interest in 51 Minds, which will remain independent, in Los Angeles, with its 200 person staff intact. The goal for both companies: expand their exploitation of people, both already famous and desirous of fame, to continued success. We all win in this one, people!

Despite being banned from the Academy Awards this weekend, the ever media savvy Paris found a way to make Oscar Sunday work to her advantage. She was spotted walking around the Barney's in Beverly Hills holding hands with Benji Madden, the less famous and even less talented twin brother of Nicole Richie impregnator, Joel. While we harbor no illusions that the mainstream media will do anything other than breathlessly report that the two are "dating", we're calling shenanigans on this faux-mance and branding it the least believable fake relationship since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Speaking of which — only seven more months til the VMAs, you two!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Paris Hilton Returning to Reality TV