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now playing in santee alley

Steven Seagal: The Boy Who Lived


In this topsy-turvy world of starlets with brains and divine smitings, it's a relief to know we can count on our masterful DVD bootleggers to peer into their crystal balls and show us how good things could be. A reader sent us this still of the cover of a cheap, pirated copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which radically improves the film by slapping an R rating on it to account for the antics of its salacious new cast: More »

5:10 PM on Tue Jul 31 2007
By heatherfug
3,509 views, 13 comments

Latest by deusdiabolus: Wow, not only did they slap on credits from the completely wrong film, they didn't even use one of the better Seagal films. more »

short ends

First 'He-Man' Teaser Trailer Released


· Sure, it's an old clip from a tired meme, but with today's He-Man remake news, no harm in reliving the magic. [via commenter I'm Waitin' for Dolemite]
· Old friend Bachem Macuno returns with The Bush Twins Save the World.
· Renegade gator brought to justice, sentenced to life term at Griffith Park Zoo.
· Pirates 3 is already breaking box office records.

6:07 PM on Thu May 24 2007
By Mark
2,722 views, 6 comments

obits

Heaven's Movie Pirates About To Meet Their Worst Nightmare


It is with a heavy heart that we note the passing of former MPAA lobbyist Jack Valenti, an enemy of the movie-pirate menace so terrifying that a future generation of unauthorized downloaders will trade apocryphal stories about the copyright-defending bogeyman in hushed tones while watching illegal copies of Spider-Man 16, visibly trembling as they hear once again how a DVD-ripping friend of a friend's grandfather once awoke to find Valenti's hook embedded in the side of her computer and the message STOP RAPING HOLLYWOOD scrawled in blood on the bedroom wall. The LAT has a detailed obituary for those interested in the hyperbole-prone pirate-hunter and ratings system pioneer's legacy; after the jump, a tribute round-up of our long-ago posts about Valenti's fascinating thoughts on subjects like elves, the hostess-humping absurdity of the Hays Code era, and the un-fucking-believable magic boxes that assist outlaws in stealing food from the mouths of honest stuntmen:
More »

6:59 PM on Thu Apr 26 2007
By Mark
2,197 views, 10 comments

Latest by TheLimey: I'm booting up mac the ripper right now in tribute. more »

pirates

'Spider-Man 3' Piracy Scoreboard Update: Chinese 0, Sony 0

Upon reading published reports that Chinese pirates have already succeeded in getting illicit copies of Spider-Man 3 into Beijing's black market, Sony's ever-vigilant PR team sprang into action to refute the story, letting China's Spidey fans know that the only way for them to enjoy the web-slinger's latest adventures—for the moment, at least—is to blow a month's salary on a family trip to the multiplex: More »

5:18 PM on Tue Apr 24 2007
By Mark
2,388 views, 4 comments

pirates

Trade Round-Up: Chinese Pirates Already Disrespecting 'Spider-Man 3' Copyrights

· Realizing that he's only played a lawyer once (Fatal Attraction), Michael Douglas quickly signs on to fill the courtroom-drama-shaped hole in his career by starring in Tragic Indifference, based on a landmark case against Ford over its "indifference to flaws in its SUVs." Scene-chewing delivery of a stirring closing statement to follow. [Variety]
· Chinese Pirates 1, Sony 0: China's camcording brigade has already made pirated copies of Spider-Man 3 available on the streets of Beijing, nearly two weeks ahead of the movie's U.S. debut. Didn't that flashy Tokyo premiere teach the scofflaws anything about respecting copyrights? The MPAA's next step: dispatching piracy-hating stuntman Manny Perry to smash some black market DVD stalls with a Louisville slugger. [THR]
· The Coen Brothers will make the Fargoesque dark comedy A Serious Man for Working Title and Focus Features. Lantern-jawed muse George Clooney has yet to be attached. [Variety]
· Should ABC pick up the much-discussed Grey's Anatomy spin-off for the fall, creator Shonda Rhimes has selected Krista Vernoff to run the Grey's mothership and Marti Noxon for the satellite; Rhimes will oversee both, which will primarily involve ensuring that both shows' characters have properly overwrought speeches about their impossibly complicated love-lives to deliver and collecting enormous paychecks [THR]
· Lifetime proves its admirable commitment to keeping the female television drama stars of the 90's off the streets, signing up 90210's Jennie Garth and Party of Five's Lacey Chabert for made-for-TV movie gigs. [Variety]

12:05 PM on Tue Apr 24 2007
By Mark
696 views, 4 comments

Latest by Transuranic: From Party of Fiver to Plastic to dear God Lifetime?! You can NOT sit with us at lunch today. more »

keith richards

Richard's Dad-Snorting Joke Forces Disney To Cancel Tie-In 'Pirates' Snuff Box Happy Meal Toy

While most of the world was excitedly high-fiving one another and asking, "Dude, did you see that Keith Richards totally snorted his dad? That's some messed up shit!" following the appearance of the widely circulated, but quickly denied, story about the hard-to-kill guitarist's novel method for disposing of his father's ashes, there was some moderate-level pants-crapping going on within Disney's PR department, where flacks responsible for the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean sequel were forced to think about How Keith Richard's Blowing Of Dad-Rails Might Affect The Family-Friendly Summer Blockbuster In Which He Appears: More »

4:12 PM on Wed Apr 4 2007
By Mark
4,778 views, 12 comments

Latest by IKnowThings: @IKnowThings: Spoke too soon- I'm told that's Led Zeppelin. more »

trade roundup

Trade Round-Up: Woody Allen Cleverly Sets Up Johansson-Cruz Catfight For His On-Set Attention

· Scarlett Johansson will star (with Penelope Cruz) in her third Woody Allen movie, finally cracking the top tier of the pervy director's obsessive lust-objects. [Variety]
· In announcing his attachment to new comedy project Part-Time Pirates for Fox, Click director Frank Coraci officially puts an end to an increasingly annoying era of buccaneer-positive culture: "Pirates are the original punk rockers. Politically and socially with everything going on in the world there's never been a better time than now to revive that spirit. Arrrrrrgh!" [THR]
· Tom Cruise's United Artists greenlights its second film (what, you thought Cruise wasn't serious about this pretending to run a studio thing?), getting into The Usual Suspects business by nabbing an ensemble thriller reuniting Team Soze's Bryan Singer and Chris McQuarrie. [Variety]
· Nielsen terrorist organization American Idol detonates a nuclear weapon that wipes out all television-watching life other than its nearly 30 million Tuesday night viewers. They'll truly stop at nothing to dominate their timeslot. [THR]
· CBS gets the most daytime Emmy nominations, with The Ellen DeGeneres Show squeezing out 12 nods to The View's mere 10. We blame Hasselbeck for the shortfall. [Variety]

12:51 PM on Wed Mar 14 2007
By Mark
1,751 views, 2 comments

Latest by n/a: I already hate Tom Cruise. If he does anything to taint my beloved memories of Keyser Soze, I will never forgive him. more »

trade roundup

Trade Round-Up: Screener Pirates Subdued; Hollywood Temporarily Safe From Financial Ruin

Two people have been arrested for stealing an Academy member's awards screeners and illegally posting them online. The DA has yet to file charges, but is expected to ultimately deny the MPAA's request that the pirates be summarily stabbed in the kidneys and left to bleed to death on the sidewalk in front of the Kodak Theatre. [Variety]
ABC shuffles its Wednesday schedule, sacrificing new comedies Knights of Prosperity and In Case of Emergency to the Nielsen gods by putting them up against the return of American Idol, hoping that better-loved hit Lost might be spared their wrath in its new 10 pm timeslot. [THR]
George Clooney's production company tries to help re-ignite Hollywood's stalled love affair with legal thriller typist John Grisham, buying the movie rights to produce the book The Innocent Man: Murder and Justice in a Small Town for Warner Independent. [Variety]
The IATSE/WGA feud over reality jobs heats up, as IATSE president Thomas Short accuses the WGA of "irresponsibility and incompetence" for delaying producer talks. Only nine more months left of bickering over accusations of Guild posturing and de facto studio work stoppages! Enjoy them while they last. [THR]
The week in ratings: NBC takes the weekly 18-49 demo victory, The CW posts its strongest numbers yet, ABC has the week's most watched show, CBS remains the overall most watched network, and Fox is just happy they're not being beaten by Telemundo. [Variety]

12:16 PM on Wed Dec 6 2006
By Mark
74 views, 1 comment

Latest by Little Mintz Sunshine: While bootlegged screener copies of "The Fountain" were also found in Demesa's home, neither she nor Acas will be charged in that case. "Face facts," said the District Attorney, "it was an overblown and self-indulgent piece of shit." more »

trade roundup

Trade Round-Up: Jerry Lewis Well Enough To Whore Himself Out To Weinsteins

· No Monday morning would be complete without a blurb about how much money Pirates 2 is making overseas. The megablockbuster sequel added $57 million to what we are contractually obligated refer to as either its "pirate's booty" or "treasure chest," lifting its total worldwide gross to a rival-sterilizing $772 million. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Huge In France Edition: Jerry Lewis will do some voices in a Weinstein Company remake of The Nutty Professor as an animated film, giving new life to a story that hasn't been needlessly recycled in nearly six years. [THR]
Hollywood royalty endures the inconvenience of no direct commercial flights from Los Angeles to Traverse City, MI, to participate in the Michael Moore-hosted film festival there. Notable: Borat's unofficial premiere at the festival, held a month before it's "official" bow in Toronto in September, and Moore's failure to draw any protests to this year's event. [Variety]
The comedy heroes responsible for Wet Hot American Summer add Winona Ryder, Famke Janssen, Gretchen Mol, Liev Schreiber, Rob Corddry, Ron Silver and Oliver Platt to the cast of The Ten, which already includes Jessica Alba, Adam Brody, Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux. [THR]
The non-union actors who walked off the job at the NY American Girl Place store in NY have returned to work, with no guarantees that their stuffed, creepy, racially diverse baby-doll masters will ever recognize their attempts to join Actors' Equity. [Variety]

12:49 PM on Mon Aug 7 2006
By Mark
161 views, 1 comment

Latest by Simpatia: I love Jerry Lewis, and I am not being sarcastic here. more »

trade roundup

Trade Round-Up: NBC Thinking Third Place Occasionally Not Out Of The Question

In a refreshingly bold stand against the last-place mediocrity that has plagued his network, NBC's Kevin Reilly promises this season's ratings will be "better" and that "we will not be mired in fourth week after week." Here's to the heady feeling of accomplishment derived from occasionally scrambling into third place! [Variety]
Tina Fey leaves behind the SNL Weekend Update desk to focus on her SNL-based sitcom, 30 Rock. Rachel Dratch joins in the defection, which will mercifully bring an end to the era of Debbie Downer's feline AIDS jokes. [THR]
Pirates 2 takes in another $62 million internationally, with openings in Spain, Germany, Italy, and France—all major centers of pirate interest—still to come. [Variety]
Whether you call them "geeks," "nerds," or "virgin fanboys," the 100,000 Comic-Con attendees once again proved to be voracious, enthusiastic consumers of any preview footage that studios dragged down to San Diego. [THR, Variety]
Lifetime will pay $1.2 million per episode for Grey's Anatomy reruns, hoping that skinny star Ellen Pompeo will slot in nicely with the rest of the network's anorexia-based fare. [Variety]

12:54 PM on Mon Jul 24 2006
By Mark
43 views, Comment

box office

Monday Morning Box Office: 'Pirates 2' Fastest To Every Dollar Amount You Can Imagine

Enjoy the weekend box office numbers, more refreshing than an unauthorized, naked swim in a neighbor's pool to beat the current hell-on-earth heatwave.
More »

9:32 AM on Mon Jul 24 2006
By Mark
140 views, 6 comments

trade roundup

Trade Round-Up: JJ Abrams To Rebuild Bad Robot In Solid Gold

· Warner Bros. TV and Paramount have thrown giant piles of cash at M:i:III director/Lost creator JJ Abram to lock up his Bad Robot production company for TV and film development deals, respectively. Click through to the link at the end of this sentence to hear the sound of various WB and Paramount big-shots clapping themselves on the back for their amazing, visionary ability to write enormous checks. [Variety]
· Hoping to capitalize on the success of their hit Kyra Sedgwick series The Closer, TNT is in talks with Holly Hunter to go basic-cable slumming in the TNT pilot Grace, sort of a combination between Touched by an Angel and, um, The Closer. Hey, no one ever said there's a correlation between original thought and Nielsen ratings. [THR]
· Pirates 2 takes the ten-day box office record, but fails to set the mark for the biggest second weekend record, only notching a third-place finish in that category. You may now commence vomiting in shock at this disappointing shortfall. [Variety]
· Hold that reverse peristalsis! Pirates 2 rolls up $58 million this weekend at the international box office. [THR]
CBS's Nina Tassler admits that Grey's Anatomy's move to Thursdays may "ding" CSI, is immediately called into boss Les Moonves' office to have the soles of her feet beaten with a bamboo rod for showing even the slightest sign of weakness. [Variety]

1:49 PM on Mon Jul 17 2006
By Mark
350 views, 1 comment

Latest by Conceited Hipster: Somehow, I can see Les being into bamboo. more »

box office

Monday Morning Box Office: Are You Tired Of Hearing About How Much Money 'Pirates' Is Making Yet?

Enjoy the weekend box office numbers, the numerical representation of what Americans did immediately following their ceremonial storming of the Bastille on Friday:
More »

9:04 AM on Mon Jul 17 2006
By Mark
96 views, Comment

trade roundup

Trade Round-Up: There Is No Record That 'Pirates 2' Won't Break

· Pirates 2 is ready to pass Spider-Man 2's one-week record of $192.1 million, and will likely pass the $250 million barrier by Sunday. Fans of corporate profits will now watch with baited breath as Disney eventually reaps a $400 million or $500 million gross for this wise movie-related investment. [Variety]
· Judd Apatow will produce the "buying booze for a party so girls will hook up with nerds" high school comedy Super Bad from a screenplay by pal/muse/actor/writer Seth Rogen, and the project will star everyone's favorite cousin-desiring Bluth, Michael Cera. [THR]
· William Morris president Dave Wirstschafter makes the Alicia Keys space meaningful (there's nothing like an ancient reference on a Friday morning!), as Disney signs up Keys' new vanity production company for a first-look production deal. [Variety]
· Gunshot-phobic Miami Vice cast member Jamie Foxx will produce and possibly star in The Power of Duff (count the minutes until that title changes starting...now), the story of a news anchor whose on-air prayers start coming true. [THR]
· Dirty-talking Insider host Pat O'Brien is obviously being punished for an unknown sin by his bosses, who are forcing the host to appear on three-minute interstitial spinoffs of his show on Showtime. [Variety]

1:03 PM on Fri Jul 14 2006
By Mark
61 views, Comment

disney

Bob Iger Praises Keira Nightly [sic], Proud Of All His Cast Members

An amused operative from within the Disney corporate family shared with us this company-wide e-mail in which Head Mouse in Charge Bob Iger pats his underlings on their collective back for Pirates of the Caribbean 2's record-shattering™ performance. But in his exuberance to reach out and personally touch the inboxes of his cast members, Iger may have neglected proofreading his missive, tragically misspelling the name of one of his stars and redundantly referring to the Pirates franchise as "something that will be enjoyed by generations of people for generations." Ever the perfectionist, Iger eventually corrected his mistake. Says our operative: "Two hours later he sent out the exact same memo with the spelling corrected. No mention that he had gotten it wrong the first time. At Disney, we don't acknowledge mistakes." An excerpt from the memo [boldface ours]: More »

11:22 AM on Tue Jul 11 2006
By Mark
1,038 views, 1 comment

Latest by Damanda: So much for Aquaman's record... more »

pirates

'Pirates 2' Even More Record-Breaking Than Previously Believed

Variety reports that the dubloon-counters at Disney have overturned their Pirates of the Caribbean 2 treasure chest and shaken it until another $3.6 million fell out, pushing its record-breaking opening weekend take to $135.6 million. While we are facetiously excited that a balance sheet somewhere in the accounting department of a monolithic media corporation now contains a slightly larger number than it did this morning, we are genuinely enthused that we have been given this second opportunity to improve upon the unacceptably shoddy image of The Bruckaneer that we posted earlier today. Now we can go get drunk without that nagging feeling of having failed the Bruck's fans. More »

7:07 PM on Mon Jul 10 2006
By Mark
106 views, Comment

trade roundup

Trade Round-Up: Boffo Bruckaneers

· We'd like to publicly thank Variety for coining the term "Bruckaneers," which conjures a pleasing, fitting image of the superproducer raping and pillaging his way through Hollywood. [Variety]
· Samuel L. Jackson will star in Doug Liman's sci-fi thriller Jumper, playing the role of "dogged agent pursuing protagonist" traditionally filled by Tommy Lee Jones. [THR]
· Pirates 2 takes in $46.6 million overseas in only 7
territories, a gross variously described as "boffo" and "socko." [Variety]
· The weird guy from Ally McBeal will join the cast of 24 next season, whom we imagine will make a suitably strange love interest for Chloe. [THR]
· A federal judge finds that CleanFlicks, Family Flix, CleanFilms and Play It Clean Video are not allowed to scrub out all the good parts of filthy/violent Hollywood fare and resell the sanitized product to crazy Puritans. [Variety]

12:53 PM on Mon Jul 10 2006
By Mark
104 views, 1 comment

Latest by Ben: But what about their sister company, where they make a montage out of all the naughty bits and set it to Amy Grant remixes? Am I going to lose my subscription now? more »

trade round-up

Trade Round-Up: 'Pirates' May Rape And Pillage Record Numbers Of Moviegoers

· Cower before the box office juggernaut that is Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, which "huge tracking numbers" reveal may crush Aquaman's all-time opening weekend record. Still, Disney's head of distribution pretends he's not already designing gloating ads in the trades with room for nine figures trailing a golden dollar sign: "No matter how you answer that question, it can come back to hurt you." Eh, stop being such a pussy and predict a $200 million take! No one will hold you to the figure on Monday morning, we promise. [Variety]
· Now this is one we've gotta see for ourselves: The Princess Bride's Westley will molest Lindsay Lohan in Georgia Rule. [THR]
· Emmy mysteries: How can the voters get it so right by snubbing the now unwatchable Desperate Housewives, yet so wrong by ignoring Lost? [Variety]
· Bafflingly, Crash's multiple Oscar wins did not result in the immediate blackballing of all involved in its production, as those with the most damning ties to the film continue to get work. [THR]
· The remake of All the King's Men will premiere at the Toronto Film Festival, unless Sony freaks out again and pushes it back to do some more "edits." [Variety]
· Yarr, cutesy pirate talk has no place in a trade publication. [THR]

12:57 PM on Fri Jul 7 2006
By Mark
180 views, 1 comment

Latest by TedSez: I can tell you why "Lost" lost, and it has nothing to do with viewers being too dumb to keep up with the story. Despite the show's originality, decent acting and occasional flashes of brilliance, the go-nowhere plotlines have become more »

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