After the audience stood up for a Spanish version of "God Bless America," the actors sat down and got right into it. First up we met a couple whose love for alcohol is at the center of their connection, then a couple getting to know each other over a complicated personality test (Armisen: "Do you often have emotional outbursts without thinking them through?" Rudolph: "What kind of fucking question is that?"), then a third couple on their first date as they discuss stuffed animals (Rudolph: "When I was little, I used to put Snoopy between my legs and just hump him so hard. I humped him and humped him until his nose broke off.").

Sorry — spoiler alert? The (re)viewer notes that the vignettes comprised roughly 15 couples in all, with little more connective tissue than its author's irreverence and the SNL veterans channeling it. It can't be any worse than Baby Mama. Find out for yourself if you're feeling adventurous and can manage to mug a ticketholder; even Craigslist has nothing doing for tonight's second and final show.

• Paul Thomas Anderson’s Top-Secret Play Revealed [Vulture]
• Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen [Largo]

You know we love you. We've seen everything you've done multiple times, once even all in the same day. Our hearts soared when Daniel Day-Lewis credited your "mad, beautiful head" for his Oscar triumph this year; his appreciation spoke for us as well. Sure, we have issues with Magnolia (OK, we hate it), but at least when the DVD came around we were able to make a little more sense of your passion and indulgence. That behind-the-scenes doc by Mark Rance? Fantastic. We'd have preferred the commentaries like those in Boogie Nights and Sydney (a/k/a Hard Eight), but hey. If you're going to charge us for two discs, you'd better make the second one worth our dime.

Which gets us to this new two-disc "collector's edition" of There Will Be Blood, which Paramount Vantage released April 8. Pardon us, but what the fuck is this?

We're sitting here with our favorite film of 2007, looking for your commentary. Nothing. We bust out the second disc. Photo clippings from your research? Three deleted scenes — only one of which features, you know, editing? And, finally, an exhumed silent short about the history of oil drilling? Really? $30 for two discs and all we get is a public-domain two-reeler from 1923?

Look, PTA, we know it's probably not your fault. There's probably a commentary sitting on some hard drive in Vantage boss John Lesher's office waiting for the precise moment when "collectors" will be ready to part ways with another $30 to hear it. There's probably behind-the-scenes footage with Scott Rudin arriving on location in Marfa, Texas, overdressed and throwing a BlackBerry at the assistant whose weather forecast turned out 15 degrees cooler than the actual temperature. We know there are interviews with you, Day-Lewis, Paul Dano and Ciaran Hinds floating around. We know because it's you, and we expect great things. Not... this.

So get with the fucking program already, PTA, and stop jerking us around with the most stingy, shabby, half-assed miscarriage of DVD justice since Mulholland Drive. You're not that pirate George Lucas, and we're not "collectors"; we're fans — true believers and dedicated followers who deserve better. And you're a candid visionary, so tell Paramount to fuck off and send us the real DVD already, for Christ's sake.

— Love, Defamer

• There Will Be Blood
• Salvation Scene In The Film, 'There Will Be Blood' [YouTube]

In today's episode: James Gandofini; Renee Zellweger; Kid Rock and Rev Run; Mike Binder; Lindsay Lohan; John Krasinski; Jennifer Aniston, Courteney Cox, David Arquette, Barry Manilow and Suzanne Somers; Paul Thomas Anderson, Maya Rudolph, Illeana Douglas, and Matt Walsh; Johnny Knoxville; Justin Chambers; Marley Shelton; Rebecca De Mornay; Ben and Fred Savage, Niecy Nash; Diane Delano; Tia Carrere; Lauren Conrad; Michael Moloney; and Jeremy Sumpter.

· 7/20/07 10:40 am: tony soprano (james gandofini) at whole foods - santa monica. Tony was by himself and pretty much on the phone the whole time.

· A few sightings this weekend:

7/21 - After foolishly dropping a lot of $ on sweats on a hot day in Malibu, I perked up when I spotted awesome family man and rap legend Reverend Run walking around with Kid Rock. Whatever they were up to, they looked like it was serious business.

7/22 - Leaving the Starbucks at Wilshire and Santa Monica, I passed Renee Zellweger getting out of her little silver Mercedes. She looked tiny and naturally beautiful in a little black dress and big black sunglasses. Later that day, I ran into Mike Binder grabbing a bite with one of his kids at the Century City food court.

· On Saturday 7/21, while waiting to see the Big Game Hunters sketch comedy show, tons of paparazzi we around the corner at Pop Killer. The celebrity in question was none other than Lindsay Lohan.

· Saturday 7/21: Having an amazing dinner at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica with my boyfriend and his family when we noticed that Courteney Cox, David Arquette and Jennifer Aniston were sitting two tables away from us! David is terribly sexy, but shovels his food into his mouth in a not very sexy way, and Courtney and Jen were pretty but too skinny, as is expected. At the table next to them was Suzanne Somers, looking like she's had too much work done, we were all commenting that the Thigh Master must've made her a pretty penny over the years! Also saw Barry Manilow coming in just as we were about to leave.

· I saw John Krasinski from The Office, eating lunch at Ammo on Highland (7/20). He was good-looking in comparison with the behind-the-scenes execs he was sitting with, but he didn't stand out. He wore that same bemused expression that he uses on TV. Maybe he still had shell shock from working with the manic Robin Williams.

· My girlfriend spotted Upright Citizen Brigader Matt Walsh at the free outdoor screening of Boogie Nights in Reseda on Sat. night (07/21). Before the movie started he appeared to be talking to himself, but was on his cell phone earpiece thing. This odd little troll sporting Lynyrd Skynyrd-style facial hair kept approaching him in an obsequious manner.

Even after the event organizer introduced director Paul Thomas Anderson and told everyone to please not talk during the movie, Anderson and yenta girlfriend Maya Rudolph chatted non-stop throughout. He did a live director's commentary, which was less insightful than one might hope for, while she cackled on a cell phone. I considered suggesting to her that I might be able to enjoy the movie if she were to rejoin The Rentals, who happened to be performing at Spaceland that night. If I never hear her annoying laugh again, it will be too soon.

The next day (07/21), girlfriend spots Goodfellas anti-Semite, Illeana Douglas, at the Hollywood Farmer's Market buying tomatoes next to me. Since I don't give a shit about fashion, I will break PrivacyWatch protocol by not reporting what she was wearing. That is all.

· Last night (7-23) around 8:30p I was walking down sunset near gower and saw johnny knoxville and an unidentified friend driving an old blue boat of a car... knoxville, driving, had his cellphone or a small handheld camera and was taking video or pictures of some homeless person pushing a cart... not quite sure what that was all about.

· Sunday 7-22-07 I was in a Santa Monica parking garage elevator with Justin Chambers [green striped polo shirt + chinos], and his wife/lady friend/female assistant. Clean, casual and about 5'10ish in person. Even TV stars park on level 8.

· July 20: On the first day of my first actual visit to LA, I checked out the Hollywood sign from Beachwood Canyon. Afterwards,
as we drove down the winding road, I saw the Beachwood Market and mistakenly thought it was just another fancy-ass house until we got closer and I saw that it was a fancy-ass grocery store. A black BMW or sportscar of some kind pulled up in front of the store and a tall blonde woman stepped out, pretty dressed up. It was Marley Shelton. She was wearing jeans, black heels, a dressy black spaghetti strap top with a chunky gold necklace and had very, very red lipstick on. She also has big, buggy eyes. Looks pretty much the same in person as on screen.

· A week's worth of sightings..

Monday (last) I was driving from Universal and in a big Mercedes with tobacco interior, complete with that damn flower behind her ear, was Niecy Nash from that show where they make you have a yardsale and then pretend that they can decorate your house without using tradeouts. Does she always run around in full makeup with a flower?

Also, it was a hopping afternoon at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I ran in to two Savages (Ben and Fred), who were having a hurang about something haveing to do with a car, then out in the Polo, Courtney Peldon was having lunch with some girl who had the best blonde I've ever seen. I thought maybe I saw Diana Ross, but I think it turned out just to be her hair twin. I was very hair oriented that day.

Tuesday (last) Diane Delano and a blonde girl at Marix and then at Hamburger Mary's in We Ho — they sure get around! (Is it appropriate here to say gee, she sure is popular? get it? like the show?)

Wednesday Tia Carerre and Lisa Ann Warren hosting bingo. Does anyone care about Tia anymore? After a night of ruined ball calling, I sure don't. Hey Mickey you're so fine eh.. not so much.

Thursday I saw teeny tiny little Kristen Chenoweth during my morning run to Starbucks. She has a chin length bob and favors teeny tiny white shorts that say "Pink" on the boot.

Friday I had a hangover and didn't go outside.

Saturday at the Grove movie theatre I saw Lauren Conrad, taller than I would have imagined in some trite dress (new awesome body, though) standing near the concierge and looking annoyed. She was standing with someone, but other than that the person was a human, I noticed nothing, not even gender. I went to see Hairspray, and I was sitting right behind Rebecca DeMornay and a gaggle of little girls (looked like she was the mom taking the bunch to the movies). Very sweet.

Sunday at The Abbey I saw that guy Michael Moloney (or something like that???) from Extreme Home Makeover showing off his iphone and perfect white teeth.

· I always see Jeremy Sumpter (2003's Peter Pan) at a bowling alley in Studio City. He's all grown up and looks quite good. And as can be expected, he's always with a gaggle of overly made-up girls.