"Since I have a dog and blond hair, that must mean we're alike. It's a dumb thing to say. I don't think that makes us similar," Lively tells the new issue of Seventeen. "I don't know her, but I don't like being compared to anyone by somebody who doesn't know me. I'm my own person. I don't go to clubs, I don't party, I don't dance on tables and I don't like sex tapes."

She doesn't like sex tapes? Has journalism really sunk so far that the reporter for Seventeen (which I can now read and get all the references) couldn't bother interjecting to get some clarification on that question? I mean, does she mean that she doesn't like "making" them (which would be a bummer) or "watching" them? Because there's one little fella out there with a sex tape that sure could use the extra cashflow if Lively were to pick up a copy of his work. But sex tape inquiries aside, we feel for Lively, we really do. We have no idea why anyone would confuse an actress who rose to prominence by playing a tall, blonde, sexually promiscuous and often times inebriated socialite would get confused for a tall, blonde, sexually promiscuous and often times inebriated socialite. Here's hoping that movie about a magical pair of elastic-waisted denim pantaloons helps Lively break out of the typecasting rut that Hollywood has pegged her into. It's hard out there for a starlet, it really is.

• I'M NO PARIS [NY Post]

[Hilton] became concerned recently because her clothes have been growing tight and she knew she was gaining weight...’She will go to the bathroom to smoke at different Hollywood clubs, or sometimes she’ll just light up in the VIP area,’ said the source.”

So how does one choose between wearing pretty dresses and using Annie Hall's solution to having sex with an unattractive boyfriend? Paris’ decision, after the jump.

As the source claims, Paris has a charming habit of showing up to parties complaining about how much she just ate after a toking session. Which might explain her infamous lazy eye always visible in party pictures! But after a series of heartbreaking evenings spent trying and failing to squeeze into her favorite old dishrags gemstone-encrusted dresses, Hilton has "decided to throw away the pipe to avoid the munchies and get back to her ideal weight." Color us confused, but isn't this entire tale just a little suspicious? Last we heard, Paris doesn't even do drugs. Like, never. Like, she'll take an Adderall when she feels dizzy and stuff, but she has Never. Tried. Drugs. Then again, maybe the reason that she got her facts messed up was because she was as stoned as Snoop Dogg when she told that lie story on Larry King last summer. At this point, that's the best possible explanation we can come up with.

• PARIS HILTON QUIT SMOKING POT TO COMBAT MUNCHIE WEIGHT GAIN [Celebitchy]

In today's installment: Britney Spears, Jeremy Piven, Paris Hilton, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Luke Wilson, David Beckham, Dennis Hopper, Gwen Stefani, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeff Goldblum, Zooey Deschanel, Rainn Wilson, Giovanni Ribisi, Judy Greer, Phil Spector, Kevin Federline, Morgan Spurlock, Kristen Chenoweth, Judy Greer, Cloris Leachman, John Slattery, Emma Stone, Bijou Philips, Jane Lynch, Dean Cain, John Corbett, Paul Scheer, and more.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
While surrounded by Brody Jenner-looking date
rapists at Happy Endings, I spotted a welcomed sight: Seth Morris, Owen Burke, and Paul Scheer. Joined by a bunch of other UCB comic types upstairs in the corner and looking almost as out of place as me.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
Saw Cloris Leachman at the Aqua Lounge watching Jeff Goldblum and his band play some jazz standards. Jeff's pretty talented on the keyboard, but the group as a whole made me feel like I was at someone's wedding.

Wednesday afternoon, my friend and I are having our usually mid-week lunch time phone conversation. In mid-conversation he gasps and tells me that he is at Chipotle in BH and David Beckham has just walked in. No f''ing way! David F'ing Beckham in Chipotle! BTW - what's up with that family and Mexican food? Just wish I could get shot in person of David's burrito! hehe

FRIDAY, JUNE 6
Vince Vaughn at the Greek Theatre for A Prairie Home Companion on June 6. Thinking he's a Garrison Keillor fan definitely makes me like him a little more.

Driving on Ledgewood in Hollywoodland today, I saw Phil Spector driving a Mercedes convertible, wearing that crazy giant curly fright wig he dropped in favor of the lesbian pageboy thing he wore in court. He wears it while driving a convertible! How the hell do you bolt that on?

Cuba Gooding Jr. with 2 friends eating sushi at Hana Sushi in Brentwood. He was a lot smaller than I thought he would be and was definately enjoying his wine. He was nice to everyone that came up and talked with him. He was abnormally excited about going to Q's (the pool bar next door). Oh wait, it was beer pong night. I'd be excited too!

SUNDAY, JUNE 8
Judy Greer (aka Kitty from Arrested Development) spotted Friday night at St Nick's Pub on 3rd st, sitting in a booth with friends. Had to stop myself from making a George Bluth reference.

MONDAY, JUNE 9
I love the show Mad Men, so what a thrill to spot Sterling Cooper honcho John Slattery getting his caffeine on at the Starbucks on Main Street in Santa Monica.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10
Former TV Superman Dean Cain swooping down into Beverly Hills for some shopping at Tom's Toys on Beverly Drive.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12
Saw John Corbett at LAX on Thursday. T-shirt, jeans, boots, with tinted Ray-Bans at the Hudson Books. Tall with a paunch that looks just right on him. Looks like a very hip carpenter. No one seemed to notice him even though he's a pretty big dude.

At the Palms in Vegas for a little work and a little fun, CineVegas is happening. I caught the opening night film, The Rocker, and went to the after party at Moon and the cast was there. Emma Stone is stunning in person, her waist is teeny and her skin is all Hollywood teen glow, she was hanging out with who I think was her mom. Jane Lynch was in a cool 50's style dress with pockets, lady is tall and very animated when she talks. Open bar here is a dangerous thing.

I was having dinner at the Mel's on Sunset Blvd. across from Ketchup. As me and my boyfriend got up to leave, I heard an easily recognizable voice. I look down and sitting at a booth with a couple of her friends was the star of Broadway's Wicked and ABC's Pushing Daisies, Kristin Chenoweth. She looked adorable as ever!

FRIDAY, JUNE 13
Around 8 am, I passed the front desk at The Palms and saw Dennis Hopper talking to who I assume was his assistant. He looks good for an older guy, white hair, sharply dressed, short and holding onto a bottle of water. I then head to the elevator and walk past Rainn Wilson in red wayfarers and a golf shirt, he's tall and funny looking, the same as one would imagine. Seemed like he had a long night and was asking where the Coffee Bean was. Later in the day, Bill Pullman came through the casino in a navy blazer, he stopped and took photos with people. There was a CineVegas anniversary party at the Palms Place pool. Hopper, George Maloof and tons of people were there including some guy with a cat perched on his shoulder and Britney Spears. She was seated in a cabana with a velvet rope in front of it where two HUGE security guys minded her and a few friends. She was in a black cocktail dress and sat sipping her drink and was surprisingly pretty. The fake tan didn't look so fake and she looked like she had been styled for the night. I wouldn't have noticed her had it not been for the rope. The whole thing was weird. Like walking past a diorama in the Natural History Museum...The Britney Exhibit. She sat watching the party happen and the party peered at her like she was some kind endangered species....and of course, Prince Paul kept interrupting his set to play her music. Tres surreal.

Jeremy Piven looking very chubby at Zen Zoo, on Vine.

Lunchtime in Beverly Hills near the Chipotle, I THINK I saw Jack Black coming down the sidewalk. He was carrying a bag of fast food, unlike other Bev Hills denizens, who carry bags of ugly empire-waisted dresses. I wasn't super certain it was him...but then I saw that belly, that belly that practically got second billing on Nacho Libre. I hope it was him as I said "Hello, awesome!" as we passed each other on the sidewalk. If it was just another chubby dude, then THAT was terribly embarrassing...

Luke Wilson looking extremely hot at my local pavillion supermarket in Santa Monica. Drove off in his illegally tinted silver porsche and while at the red light, kept raising and lowering his window like he couldn't decide if he wanted to be noticed. Looking very sexy tho.

SATURDAY, JUNE 14
Britney at Palms Place in Vegas. There with one of her enablers and a Russian bodyguard. She was chain smoking cigarettes and eating chicken fingers as she sat by the pool. It's true — she's all class.

Saw Giovanni Ribisi at the carwash on Vermont and Prospect. He smoked a cigarette and read a script while he waited for his car. He kept to himself and was completely unassuming so much so I almost feel guilty sending in this sighting. I wasn't able to see what type of car he drives as my car was finished before his.

At the valet stand at Planet Hollywood, I waited for my keys and looked to my left, there standing beside me was Kevin Federline. He's a little guy, wearing his requisite white t-shirt and baggy shorts. Wasn't impressed. Probably not a coincidence that Britney is in town too. Later that night at the Palms, I saw Bijou Philips perform at another CineVegas party. She sang for a little while and hung out by the pool, her voice wasn't half bad. Spotted Traci Lords waiting for an elevator in stilettos and a tight black dress, she has aged insanely well.

SUNDAY, JUNE 15
In Planet Hollywood, I saw Dwayne Johnson tan, lean and HOT coming down the main escalator going to a screening of Get Smart. He's tall and surprisingly good looking, not bulky or wrestler-esque. He stopped and signed autographs in the casino and had a seriously huge entourage.

Back at the Palms, I saw a sunburned Morgan Spurlock by the pool, handlebar moustache in full effect. Passed by Beastie Boy MCA (Adam Yauch) on the casino floor.

MONDAY, JUNE 16
I saw Vincent Kartheiser of Mad Men on the Continental redeye from Newark to LAX. He was dressed just like Pete Campbell in a brown suit and vintage skinny tie, and bopping around the terminal to whatever was on his iPod. Staying in his character's groove I guess, he was only slightly more subdued once on board (first class of course). Much better looking in person than on the show, but an occasional burger wouldn't kill him - the guy is rail thin.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18
Last night I saw doe-eyed indie goddess/ingenue Zooey Deschanel at the Rilo Kiley Show at the Greek. Looked absolutely stunning (and happy), wearing a gorgeous green dress.

THURSDAY, JUNE 19
As we were leaving Juvenex Spa in Manhattan at 9pm, Paris Hilton was just coming in. She was all dressed up and decked out. I guess with the stress of being Paris she needed a massage.

Saw Gwen Stefani and family (including her dad) enjoying dinner at Buddha's Belly on Beverly last night (6/19). Aside from the few annoying paparazzi outside, they were pretty much left alone. Gwen looked gorgeous without all of that caked on makeup!

After making PETA's 2005 Worst Dressed List and earning particularly mean reason from the group's trademark bag of bitchy tricks, ("If she keeps on wearing fur and eating at Carl's Jr., she'll be back on the list next year as Star Jones."), Paris allegedly sat through animal torture videos from China and promised to stop wearing fur. As a reward, PETA removed the "heirhead" from next year's list. Christina Ricci followed a similar path after making the 2006 list, sitting through a Martha Stewart expose (shudder) on how mean it is to hurt the fuzzy wuzzies, and PETA obliged by removing her from the list as well. And the always crafty Lindsay Lohan managed to put a stop to her inclusion on the 06 list before its release date by assuring the PETA prez she was working on "weeding out" fur from her wardrobe. Too bad last month's whole fur bandit shenanigans didn't exactly make our favorite chic lesbian look like a woman who keeps her word.

As for those stars who've decided to fight back against all the haters at PETA, Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen have made the Worst Dressed List more than a few times, but quietly made their reactions known by including tons of animal fur in their clothing collection last year. As for the queen of Best Dressed Lists (just not PETA's), fur lover extraordinaire Kate Moss has continued to sport everything from beaver to rabbit to mink to who knows what kind of lizard skin onesies after hours despite PETA's threats and cutting remarks ("Nothing completes the transition from supermodel to super tramp like a fur coat.")

Bonus: Britney Spears, endless black hole of lovely surprises, was cut from PETA's poll earlier this year because, according to a PETA spokesperson, she "needed a break." While it doesn't quite fully endear us to the red paint sabotage army, we can't help but think that it's a positive gesture.

[Photo Credit: X17, Bauer-Griffin]

• TOP FIVE REASONS ONLY STUPID GIRLS BRAG ABOUT EATING MEAT [PETA Blog]
• EXCLUSIVE: PETA NAMES WORST DRESSED CELEBS OF 2008 [Us]

While several questions are clearly gimmes—there's no questioning who's filling out those BigFoot Lodges from the Paris Hilton Footwear collection—some might provide a tootsie-deducing challenge. We'll leave you now to gaze penetratively at the hooves above, but ask you to consider this before delivering your final answer: Are those the little piggies of a dreamy teen idol, or a 45-year-old man?

• Pop Quiz: Guess the Feet! [People]

We’ll start off by letting you know that Andy “plans to start producing ‘major, major movies.’” Of course, he’s no stranger to the big screen, having nabbed bit parts in Winged Creatures and the classic Final Destination 4, in addition to 11 other roles he doesn’t seem so keen on sharing with the Metromix reporter. But clever Andy has moved on from that silly acting biz. As the owner of three totally exclusive, totally VIP LA clubs, he now feels free to wear “baggy brown cords, a wrinkled blue nylon jacket and a straw fedora” without shame. Now that takes balls.

You know what else takes balls? Cruising around town in a black pickup truck, his ride of choice. But really, Andy deserves a gold star for a comment regarding his decision to reject Britney Spears from Winston’s last Halloween: “Fiscella banned [Britney] after she forced a bartender to trade Halloween costumes with her. ‘I didn’t want to profit from her being a fucking train wreck.’” Right, because his admitted adoration of Kirsten Dunst and Paris Hilton really proves he is far too highbrow for the likes of Britney. But the truth is, we shouldn’t be so harsh on little Andy. Not only was the little guy adopted, he had the misfortunate of learning that from a grade-school bully. And really, what better way to bounce back from a trauma like that than to become a professional grown-up bully yourself?

• THE KING OF CROWN BAR [LA Observed]

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we’re not so sure it’s just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don’t judge a supermarket tab’s creds by its cheap cover):

[Adnan Ghalib] is shopping around a sex tape that was filmed during their trip January trip to Mexico...[the tape] will go down as the highest selling porn tape of all time, out selling even Paris Hilton's.

So what could Britney possibly do in the bedroom to top her fellow Bimbo Summit member’s green-eyed appearance in nightmare-vision? The eerily realistic details after the jump.

As a source who claims to have seen the tape tells the tab, "the video starts with Britney undressing...She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout." Well, the image of Britney in that pink wig she favored during her American Tragedy days doesn't do much to entice us, but we do find it highly believable that sex with Spears just wouldn't be all that "kinky." We've seen her manhandle props like umbrellas before and it was neither graceful nor hot. But the kicker comes after Spears allegedly performs a striptease for Adnan, removing all her clothes save for the technicolor bob: "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'" And thank goodness for that. However horrific Paris appeared as a nocturnal sex nymph in her tape, nothing puts the sails down like bald sex.

• IS ADNAN SHOPPING A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX TAPE? [Splash News]

”Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay...Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers.”

As delighted as we are that recent gossip about Lohan has involved nudity and boys rather than drugs and DUIs, her fetish for robbing frenemies of their boyfriends is a long-standing Lohanism. We look back at some of her most classic crimes of passion after the jump.

We tend to think Lohan's habit of man-theft all started with that infamous catfight she had with Hilary Duff over Aaron Carter (yes, really, there was a time when he was the cat's pajamas) , who supposedly cheated on Lohan with the blonde teenybopper. But that one incident hardly justifies Lindsay's rap sheet since then:

May 2006: It's hard to feel bad for fellow seductress Paris Hilton, but her lovey dovey relationship with Stavros Niarchos (what ever happened to that guy by the way?) came to an abrupt end after Lohan was spotted "dirty dancing" with him at a club.
October 2007: After pissing off Paris, Lindsay took her fetish up a notch while in rehab, where she met and began dating snowboarder Riley Giles. The only problem? He was engaged to some poor girl in Utah at the time.
January 2008: And as recently as January, Lohan was linked to Adrian Grenier while big-bottomed girl Kim Kardashian was allegedly dating the Entourage star.

February 2008: Just one month later, Lindsay brought out her Paris-hating claws once again, managing to win the fight over girly song-singer James Blunt.

• NICOLE RICHIE CRUSHED AFTER CATCHING JOEL MADDEN WITH LINDSAY LOHAN [Star]

• WATCH VIDEO

WHAT'S NEW: Whereas last week the only question we faced was the degree of the Iron Man beating awaiting Patrick Dempsey and Made of Honor, today we're starting a pool to see how close (or how far) Marvel's $100 million hero will keep Speed Racer before pulling away in the Sunday home stretch. Most observers expect Iron Man's take to drop as much as 50% this weekend, but like last Friday, we think lingering word-of-mouth and irresistible talent will keep the film well in excess of expectations — as in $65 million to Speed Racer's $40 million. We'll get to the Ashton Kutcher/Cameron Diaz vehicle What Happens in Vegas in a second, but more painlessly for now, here are some of the other new titles bottlenecking theaters: Music video maven Tarsem's sumptuous (and apparently boring) labor of love The Fall; the John Leguizamo / teenagers-fucking satire The Babysitters; the espionage spoof OSS 117: Nest of Spies; and the canny Paskowitz family documentary Surfwise.

THE BIG LOSER: We've heard it said that What Happens in Vegas is Fox's idea of counterprogramming to Speed Racer, but what do you really call it when the weekend's biggest new release itself amounts to second fiddle overall? History will decide, but we think $20 million estimates are far too generous for the Kutcher/Diaz miscarriage. Try closer to $16 million and, as the gift that keeps on giving, a pan for the ages from Manohla Dargis: "[B]ecause its director, Tom Vaughan, brings nothing of interest to the movie, including filmmaking, there isn't anything to say other than to note its insulting ugliness and ineptitude. ... It's disheartening that Ms. Diaz doesn't seem to realize that there's no upside to a role that strips away her dignity even as it peels off her clothes, especially when she's playing the shrew." Now that's love we can all take to the bank.

THE UNDERDOG: A terrific Famke Janssen skips the glam in Turn the River, the writing-directing debut of actor Chris Eigeman (Metropolitan, Kicking And Screaming). As a single-mother gambler and pool shark planning to steal her young son away to Canada — but only after hustling her way to $50,000 — Janssen digs into River with both leading-lady aplomb and a wounded integrity most of her male contemporaries usually try to approximate through overwrought brooding. Co-star Rip Torn is good for a few ironic flourishes that redeem the late melodrama, all of which are outdone by Janssen's real pool-shooting exploits. We wouldn't bet against her — at least not this weekend.

FOR SHUT-INS: You can have your I'm Not There DVD's, your P.S. I Love Yous, your vagina dentata comedy Teeth, your fourth season of The 4400 and all that other bullshit. But there is really only one new title worth welcoming into the guilty sanctuary of your own home: The Hottie and the Nottie. Miraculously neither watchable nor as bad as it's made out to be, judge for yourself the blight of Paris Hilton vanity on this week's release calendar.

So are you down for or down on Speed Racer? Will What Happens In Vegas stay, ahem, in Vegas? Will newfound billiards talent Famke Janssen kick your ass for an easy 50 grand? Go all in and let us know where your money's riding this weekend.

"Before Harlow came along, Nicole never had to worry about anything. All she did was party with her friends and go shopping...can't figure out if she's happier when she's home with the baby or hitting the town with her friends..."

Even when Nicole was just Paris' merrily chubby sidekick in 2004 (at left), we get the feeling that's a genuine smile. Whether or not substances had anything to do with it, girl is happy. And despite looking thisclose to snapping in half, Richie grinned while prancing down the beach in those infamous bikini pictures taken pre-Joel and Harlow. Finally, caught up in her new relationship and frequenting the party circuit like no other, it's obvious Nicole was always happiest when photographers aligning the red carpet shouted her name.

Fast-forward to present times. Pregnancy is supposed to give you that "glow" or whatever, but as we can see at left, Nicole looked far from overjoyed. And as for her activities, club-going has been replaced by glumly shopping for wrapping paper with the fiance. And most recently, having dropped the baby weight and looking just as thin as she ever did, a smile still can't be forced. Truth be told? We actually miss the old Nicole just as much as she does.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash, Getty]

• NICOLE TORN BETWEEN OLD LIFE, MOTHERHOOD [MSNBC]

Paris has always been thin, but a photo taken in late April showed the poptard looking just as eerily pin-thin as Nicole did during the height of her scary-skinny stage.

Though Nicole can't be credited with launching the gigantic granny glasses trend, she certainly had a major hand in popularizing it. And now, Paris is jumping on the bandwagon hardcore, wearing styles Nicole hasn't worn in years.

But most telling is Paris' recent choice of paramour: none other than Nicole's future hubby Joel Madden's brother Benji. Benji's always been the less appealing of the faux-punk brothers, mainly because Joel is taller and somehow a bit easier on the eyes. Plus he dated Hilary Duff, whereas Benji just dated that freaky-looking model Sophie Monk. But mirroring your newly hotter and happier BFF calls for desperate measures, and desperate measures Paris has officially taken.

[Photo credits: X17, Getty, Splash News]

• IS PARIS HILTON MORPHING INTO BEST FRIEND NICOLE RICHIE? [Daily Mail]

After TONY suggests that the official NPH comeback began not with his critically acclaimed role on HIMYM but with his druggie performance in the original H&K, Neil takes the bait and quips, "I never thought that snorting coke off the ass of a stripper would reinvent my career so well, no." And in case you were wondering, the fake NPH in the sequel has switched mindbenders: "It's mushrooms now." But speaking of strippers, it seems he's seen far more pole-straddlers in his day than you'd expect from a recently outed actor. As he puts it, "I've seen quite a few cans...I like calling them cans. It's fun. Although it's absolutely inappropriate in every way—wrong shape, wrong texture." Though we're not sure what part of that thought is "inappropriate" (the fact that breasts don't feel like beer cans, or that he thinks it's "fun" to call them that), we are delighted to learn that he's grabbed a few in the past. Imagining that is fun, indeed.

• THE HOT SEAT: NEIL PATRICK HARRIS [TONY]

Before she became the monstrosity that is Paris Hilton, the heiress' fame was limited to her hometown of Manhattan, in addition to a few high-profile ritzy vacation spots like St. Bart's and Miami. And she even had a respectable long-term relationship to model Jason Shaw, lasting four years and culminating in an engagement. But then the flashbulbs burned brighter, and Paris spread her fame-whoring wings, eventually meeting and planning yet another wedding with her first Greek shipping heir, conveniently named Paris Latsis. Surprise, surprise, that joyous meant-to-be union didn't last either. Then there were the rumors back in 2006 that she was gearing up for another engagement to man around town Stavros Niarchos, after showing up to a fashion party sporting a gigantic ring just like the one Latsis had given her. But just as she stole Stavros from Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan allegedly ran off with him for a night or two. So will Hilton's fourth scheme actually work out as planned? We're not betting bloggers, but we sense a pouty-faced glossy cover in the coming weeks featuring Paris and her broken love affair. But hey, we hear Calum Best is available!

[Photo credit: Getty]

• OH BROTHER! [NY Post]
• PARIS IN NEW RING-AROUND [NY Post]

"I would not want [Kim's butt] — it's gross! ...It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag."

According to MSNBC.com, only 40 or 50 applicants showed up to an open call in New York recently, sending Paris into a whirlwind damage control mode. Apparently scared that word on the paltry showing would get out, she took to her trusty MySpace page to let everyone (ie: all two or three interested parties) know that all her castings are "exclusive events" in which the applicants are "hand-selected" by invitation-only. Putting aside the fact that this practice means Paris is presumably just picking out hot girls and cute boys at night to come and audition, how "real" can a reality show be if Paris is just casting the show herself? We suppose she just couldn't stand the idea of making chit chat with anyone whose rear end wasn't up to par.

• PARIS HILTON: KIM KARDASHIAN HAS A 'COTTAGE CHEESE' BUTT [Us]
• SCOOP: SEARCH FOR PARIS' BFF NOT GOING SO WELL [MSNBC]

But now we have the shoes. Paris is famous for her monstrous size 11 feet (which eerily resemble those of the skeletons that hang in biology classrooms), often revealing grotesque bunions from her ill-fitting shoes. And if her feet look like shit in $500 shoes, we can only imagine the foot pain induced by the $80 knock-offs she supposedly came up with.

So what's the next design innovation from Miss Hilton? She's already given the world the opportunity to copy her two least attractive body parts. We can only assume bras are next.

[Photo Credit: Rex]

• Paris Hilton launches shoe line.... and models them with her own terrifying size 11s [Daily Mail]

Of course, we're talking about Benjy Bronk (his submission video is highly recommended) and Eric the Midget. It's worth voting for them just to see the look on Paris's face were she contractually obligated to be in their proximity.

Or, you could take the road less traveled and vote for Defamer's own Molly McAleer. We forced her at gunpoint to participate in this social experiment, so the least you could do is send her directly into Paris's welcoming embrace.

• Eric The Actor Lynch Battles Benjy Bronk To Be Paris' BFF [Stern Rate]

To be fair, and to borrow her so-called trademark phrase, Paris does look "hot." The hair is flawless, the dress is impressive, and for a girl with no chest, even her clavicles look somewhat sexy. But despite her enthusiasm and willingness to go along with the charade, our heart does break a little once we hear the crickets in the audience post-shimmy. Not to mention the moment she turns to one of the orchestra members for some encouragement, only to receive a vague pointing gesture, signaling the fact that he'd really just prefer it if she shook her junk a few feet away.

• PARIS HILTON BELLY DANCES IN TURKEY [People]

From a nutrition expert at Berkeley quoted in ABC's piece: "I watched Atonement last night and thought that Keira Knightley looked like she was a refugee from a concentration camp." Um, zing? While the nutrition expert's assertion is far from scientific, and while we concur that anything the members of the Bimbo Summit do is officially trashy, we must admit we're not sure what to make of the news that a British blueblood lass like Keira has (allegedly) joined Gen Rx. Just watch, next thing we know she'll be swinging from the chandeliers at the Chateau Marmont while a giddy Pete Doherty looks on. Say it ain't so, Keira!

• HOLLYWOOD'S DIRTY DIET SECRETS [NYDN]
• ADDERALL: WEIGHT LOSS FIX OF THE STARS? [go.abc.com]

Hilton's journeys continue until the end of the month; if you'd like to know exactly where Paris's Global Safari of Peace is at any given moment—distributing fragrance samples to those who need it most while smuggling elephant shrew or two into a Louis Vuitton carry-on—Celebslam.com has obtained a copy of her day-by-day itinerary. Good news for the citizens of Istanbul: She's coming your way to judge Miss Turkey 2008!

[Photos: EPA/KIM LUDBROOK]

• Hilton visits Pretoria orphanage [sabcnews.com via DListed]
• Paris Hilton lives the good life [Celebslam]

"[Lindsay] arrived at the Scandinavian Style Mansion soiree [and] reportedly threw a 'hissy fit' after seeing 'Paris Hilton Handbags' printed on the red carpet sponsor board. 'We were never told that Paris was part of the event,' [her rep] tells E! News. 'Nor did we know there was a liquor sponsor. She wouldn't have participated.'"

E! Online reports that Lindsay attended some gift bag suite party on Friday night, but anger ensued once she realized Paris' glittertastic bags were part of the swag, meaning Paris' logo was scattered everywhere. A source said the fright left her "grumpy" at the party, and she only stayed for less than an hour (only? How long should it take to grab fifty bags of free shit and jet?). But prior to the latest incident of Bimbo Summit Alum showdowns, Lohan reportedly started cursing and screaming after receiving a burrito with onions on it while filming a credit card commercial. The Daily Mirror claims Lindsay "threw into a rage" after seeing the halitosis-enabling dish, and screamed "I didn't fucking order this!" at a worker on the set. With two breakdowns and counting, how long will it be before she crashes the set of Living Lohan and starts pummeling through her secret compartments for that Just In Case Of Emergency stash?

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• LILO SEES RED OVER RED CARPET SIGNAGE [E!]
• LINDSAY LOHAN GOES CRACKERS AFTER FINDING ONIONS IN HER BURRITO [Daily Mirror]

As Alli Sims learned after toiling after Britney Spears during her freakiest freakouts, hanging out with a star when they're at the height of their press coverage is good for business. After leaving Britney in the dust, Alli sold her story to Us and, according to her site, plans on launching her very own pop career. For all five of you who got hooked on Newlyweds, the name Cacee Cobb will ring a bell; she was Jessica Simpson's equally dim-witted personal assistant. After parting ways with Jess, she hooked up with Scrubs' Donald Faison, ensuring constant press coverage. And the ultimate BFF-to-star story comes in the form of The Hills' Heidi Montag, who's become arguably bigger than the show's "star," Lauren Conrad, and will soon release an album (which we will soon mock).
So come on down to parisbff.com! Where reality fame and half-naked spreads in Stuff gloriously await.

• MTV GREENLIGHTS HILTON REALITY SERIES [THR]
• WHO WANTS TO BE PARIS HILTON'S NEW BEST FRIEND? [Yahoo]

Dressed in a very sleuth-y beige trench and armed with a woman-of-mystery asymmetrical hairstyle, Paris and "Maxie" take to the streets, skillfully ignoring the small contingent of the dozen or so paps pressing inquiries ("What's up?"). But somehow the undercover counter-attack doesn't strike us to be quite as savvy and genius as Paris and the Anna Nicole Smith idea robber Ashton Kutcher thinks it is. After coyly remarking in the car, "I'm just curious what they're gonna make up," Paris pretty much answers her own question with, "Who. The hell. Is that. With Paris. So. Random." Yup, you really slammed the press with this elaborate set-up, you minx, you!

• POP FICTION [Official Site]

Pop Fiction, an eight-episode series, is a prank show targeting paparazzi and gullible media outlets. It's made with the eager help of stars, who were the laughing stocks of Kutcher's former MTV show.

This time the shoe's on the other foot, and the series has been kept so tightly under wraps that E!'s own website fell victim to the Hilton hoax and other planted stories that producers won't yet divulge.

"You're speaking their language. We live in a culture that's driven by media and obsessed with celebrity, to the point where they don't have private lives anymore," [Kutcher's producing partner Jason] Goldberg says.

"Two people going out to eat turns into, 'They're engaged.' It's a feeding frenzy. It's dangerous and it's irresponsible in some cases."

So elaborate and convincing are these paparazzi punji sticks, that even more legitimate media outlets have found themselves duped. What Harper's Bazaar, for example, thought was an exclusive interview with the Kutcher-Moores was, in fact, yet another planted Pop Fiction prank. All that spiritual horseshit about how Kabbalah has helped Ashton and Demi through the rough patches was actually just a brilliant satire of what they imagined a vapid Hollywood couple would say in a fawning fashion magazine profile. Face it, Harper's: You've been pap'd!

• Has Ashton Kutcher 'Punk'd' the paparazzi? [usatoday.com]

And what sort of enlightened activities are the new LA couple up to these days? Well, for one thing, the pair is fond of staging elaborate spiritual lessons, including photos of the as-yet-unnamed guru teaching Bimbo Summit leader lessons from a book called The Path To The Painted Shaman, and driving around LA drinkin' Starbucks and talkin' inner peace. Though we're reminded of Paris's five-second religious awakening, that period merely included staged photos of Paris clutching the Bible (which she, uh, apparently didn't actually read), this new fella in Paris' life may actually be doing some good. According to the Daily Mail, The Bearded One has already convinced the lingerie-wearing birthday girl to "give away a piece of diamond jewelery as they wandered the streets together." Geez, and all Duke's healer did was run off with all her money. Maybe this five-minute fling may actually do some good?

[Photo Credit: X17]

• THE ODD COUPLE: PARIS HILTON TOURS LA WITH BUDDHIST MONK FRIEND [Daily Mail]

Though we can't get any sense of whether or not Nic can dance, she has been known to boogie on a banquette or two to the crowd's approval. But after listening to the song, we're rooting for Nicole's chances on landing the part. And noticing how vastly better Nicole's personal and professional life is going compared to former upper-handed BFF Paris Hilton (a baby, a role in a Fosse musical, a devoted boyf, and finally some meat on her bones), we're on Team Richie, all the way.

• NICOLE RICHIE OFFERED LEAD ROLE IN 'CHICAGO' [Us]

Despite being banned from the Academy Awards this weekend, the ever media savvy Paris found a way to make Oscar Sunday work to her advantage. She was spotted walking around the Barney's in Beverly Hills holding hands with Benji Madden, the less famous and even less talented twin brother of Nicole Richie impregnator, Joel. While we harbor no illusions that the mainstream media will do anything other than breathlessly report that the two are "dating", we're calling shenanigans on this faux-mance and branding it the least believable fake relationship since Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley. Speaking of which — only seven more months til the VMAs, you two!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Paris Hilton Returning to Reality TV

The same source who actually uttered the phrase "hot, salty tears" also claims that Hilton is planning sneak attacks to try and get into several private affairs. "She's tempted to go to the parties afterwards, but might wear her trademark brunette wig to save her dignity." Questions abound! What is her alias while wearing the librarian mop? London Marriott? Hilton Head Holiday Inn? And do all her STDs magically fly off into Bimbo Summit Heaven once she goes brown Most urgent of all, who in their right mind puts the word "dignity" in the same sentence as "Paris Hilton"?

• PARIS HILTON BANNED FROM OSCARS [Digital Spy]