Nicole Richie was back to her old uber-thin self just two weeks after Harlow graced us with her presence earlier this year, and Jamie Pressly openly admitted to losing 42 pounds in 12 weeks by "only eating cabbage soup." The rest?

After having Moses, the current nudie pic exhibitionist says she makes sure all those pounds which initially "horrified" her remain at bay due to her after-hours habit of downing red wine and passing out in the garden. Who has time to eat when you're unconscious? Hubbard Formula aficionado Leah Remini claims to have lost a whopping 80 pounds in only six weeks after ordering something eerily called the 1st Personal Diet. Remini told TV Guide, "It's determined by the metabolic rate of your blood, and then they send you a diet on your e-mail." Why hasn't anyone informed Oprah of her computer's flesh-zapping knowledge?

Jennifer Lopez made a public appearance looking just like J. Lo circa Diddy only a month after popping those expensive twins out, and reportedly managed the vanishing act by shelling out $50k on a home gym, not to mention hiring a team of trainers, nutritionists and Baby Weight Loss experts to presumably make sure she never once stopped exercising. Finally, Gwen Stefani candidly told Elle that she was utterly obsessed with getting her figure back after little Kingston arrived. The only celebrity to go ahead and admit that the ways stars do it is just a bit horrifying, Stefani said she was so adamant about the process that she was still exercising two weeks before giving birth. And cried about it. Live and learn.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• OH BABY! JESSICA ALBA SHOWS OFF HER FABULOUS POST-PREGNANCY FIGURE [Daily Mail]

After making PETA's 2005 Worst Dressed List and earning particularly mean reason from the group's trademark bag of bitchy tricks, ("If she keeps on wearing fur and eating at Carl's Jr., she'll be back on the list next year as Star Jones."), Paris allegedly sat through animal torture videos from China and promised to stop wearing fur. As a reward, PETA removed the "heirhead" from next year's list. Christina Ricci followed a similar path after making the 2006 list, sitting through a Martha Stewart expose (shudder) on how mean it is to hurt the fuzzy wuzzies, and PETA obliged by removing her from the list as well. And the always crafty Lindsay Lohan managed to put a stop to her inclusion on the 06 list before its release date by assuring the PETA prez she was working on "weeding out" fur from her wardrobe. Too bad last month's whole fur bandit shenanigans didn't exactly make our favorite chic lesbian look like a woman who keeps her word.

As for those stars who've decided to fight back against all the haters at PETA, Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen have made the Worst Dressed List more than a few times, but quietly made their reactions known by including tons of animal fur in their clothing collection last year. As for the queen of Best Dressed Lists (just not PETA's), fur lover extraordinaire Kate Moss has continued to sport everything from beaver to rabbit to mink to who knows what kind of lizard skin onesies after hours despite PETA's threats and cutting remarks ("Nothing completes the transition from supermodel to super tramp like a fur coat.")

Bonus: Britney Spears, endless black hole of lovely surprises, was cut from PETA's poll earlier this year because, according to a PETA spokesperson, she "needed a break." While it doesn't quite fully endear us to the red paint sabotage army, we can't help but think that it's a positive gesture.

[Photo Credit: X17, Bauer-Griffin]

• TOP FIVE REASONS ONLY STUPID GIRLS BRAG ABOUT EATING MEAT [PETA Blog]
• EXCLUSIVE: PETA NAMES WORST DRESSED CELEBS OF 2008 [Us]

In today's installment: Lindsay Lohan (twice!), Katherine Heigl, Al Pacino, Adrian Grenier, Nicole Richie, Casey Affleck, Elijah Wood (with Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly), Eric Stoltz, Mario Lopez, Bryce Dallas Howard, Samantha Ronson, Larry King, Audina Patridge, Tommy Lee and Ludacris, Bradley Cooper, Clea Duvall, Ian Ziering and Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons.

FRIDAY, MAY 9
· Friday night I make a quick run into Toast for one of their yummy cupcakes. While I'm waiting, I look over and see uber hottie Bradley Cooper laying back on the couch. Sporting that sexy scruff and a shirt unbuttoned enough to get a shot of his nice chest. My gay porn fantasy come true! Oh...he was with some unrecognizable chick.
· Saw Casey Affleck, Summer Phoenix and two young kids dining with Clea Duvall, an unknown male and another small kid at Mexico City in Los Feliz. Nobody seemed to pay much attention but I was transfixed. Summer Phoenix sat facing the whole restaurant holding a small child. Her eyes are huge and she is a people watcher. Casey was very quiet and paid attention only to his small, hyper son.
· Lindsay Lohan walking into the Vista Theater in Silver Lake at 12 noon for a video shoot for the Make A Wish Foundation. The papanazis were right behind in minivans and SUV's, peeling into an alley one after the other like NASCAR drivers on meth (or Danica Patrick on a pit stop.) Hard to say who's more dangerous behind the wheel, Lindsay or these duds. I mean, dudes. No I don't.

SATURDAY, MAY 10
· At the Southern California Renaissance Faire I saw Tommy Lee and Ludacris filming an episode for their show Battleground Earth. They were supposedly learning how to make paper. Both were wearing extravagantly feathered 3 Musketeers hats.
· I saw Lindsay Lohan with Sam Ronson at the Beachwood Market; they were shopping for a lot of groceries (including toilet paper, cause everyone shits), but NO BOOZE.
· Al Pacino shops at Target (at the mall in Hollywood). Saw him in the toy section with some little kid (son? grandson?). He was in that all in black, oversized blazer, baggy pants look, and my girlfriend thought he was Richard Lewis.
· Katherine Heigl exits the Say Cheese in Silverlake at Hyperion and Monon and the paparazzi swarm around her making a huge scene. Katherine looks great and handles it well but it looks annoying as F**k. These paparazzi look like total scum and K.H. is soooo boooooring anyway. The whole situation is bizarre but for some reason people like seeing people in movies walk in and out of stores.
· After suffering through the stank of dog urine at Runyon Canyon, my friends and I are blinded by the site of some chick with ginormous boobs. They were so distracting that we almost missed that she was with none other than Steve Sanders himself - Ian Ziering.
· I have never felt uglier sending a sighting in than i do right now. Saturday evening @ the gelson's in calabasas, I saw Jeffrey Tambor buying a travel-sized saline solution and a single fleet enema. Hey now!

TUESDAY, MAY 13
· I saw Diedrich Bader and Jamie Kennedy at Mozza. Damn, that place is tasty.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14
· I spotted hobbits Elijah Wood and Dominic Monaghan (with girlfriend Evangeline Lilly in tow) checking out singer/songwriter Matt Miller's set at King's Road Cafe. Unfortunately, there was no cover of Leonard Nimoy's 'The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins', but that would've been amazing.

THURSDAY, MAY 15
· Rode the elevator with Beyonce and her security guy at Jay-Z's Roc The Mic Studios on 27th street about 5 mins ago. Very pretty -not noticeably pregnant. Also, the asshole security guard blocked her off from just me like she was royalty.

SUNDAY, MAY 18
· The opening of Two Unrelated Plays by David Mamet at the Kirk Douglas was the place to be for random celeb (ok, generous) sightings on a Sunday afternoon. Felicity Huffman, Eric Stoltz, Tate Donovan, Joe Mantegna, Kate Burton, Julianne Phillips, and Ricky Jay were all present and accounted for.
· Bryce Dallas Howard with baby and a companion (not sure if it was husband Seth Gabel or not, but I'm kicking myself for not paying attention to a potential Jeremy Darling sighting!) leaving Whole Foods at Fairfax & Santa Monica.

MONDAY, MAY 19
· Mario Lopez at T-Mobile Store at One Embarcadero Center in San Francisco. With a mustachioed handler. Tight green shirt (showed off the guns), woven leather belt and jeans. Didn't really believe it was him until one of the (male) cashiers asked him for a cell phone photo, which he gave graciously. As soon as he left the store, all three male cashiers huddled over the cell phone photo and discussed Saved By The Bell episodes.
· Mickey Gubitosi AKA Robert Blake at the Pinkberry looking happy, healthy and enjoying the goodness that is Crackberry. Looks like he has been hitting the gym. It's nice to him happy again. [Ed Note — Um, we guess?]

TUESDAY, MAY 20
· Saw the ESPN Sports Guy (Bill Simmons) eating a fancy lunch at Campanile with the Sports Gal (wife), kid, and what looked like either his or his wife's mom (5/20). This sighting probably means nothing to 90% of Defamer readers but for us heterosexual males in our 30s it's a big deal.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21
· Saw Adrian Grenier at the El Rey at the sold-out Kills show. His appearance in the crowd triggered several conversations around me that went exactly like this: "Do you watch Entourage?" "Eeeeeehhhhhhhhyeeeeah, well, I used to...then I totally got sick of it."

THURSDAY, MAY 22
· Saw Nicole Richie at Katsu-Ya in Studio City. She was teeny tiny, wearing a dirty white hoodie (that was too big) with leggings and had her hood up most of the time. Sorry Nicole, there's no mistaking that mug! She waited for a long time for a table and finally settled down at the sushi bar. She was with a nondescript female and was not approached by anyone. She was a bit boring, but my friends visiting from New York got the celeb sighting they were hoping for!
· Thurs. 5/22. Saw Paula Poundstone at the Coffee Bean in the lobby of the CAA building asking the barista if he wanted an extra ticket to an LA Sparks game.

FRIDAY, MAY 23
· Wee little Christian Siriano spotted in West Hollywood last night- giving out hugs to fans on San Vicente and Santa Monica, wearing a black beanie, black trench coat, black skinny jeans and silver reflective high top sneakers (possibly Nikes?). Fierce!
· Was walking out of Indy 4 at the Arclight Hollywood and saw Jacinda Barrett having a chat with 2 guys. White long sleeve shirt under a black short sleeve one and super skinny jeans. So skinny in fact I almost bought her a pesto sausage from the snack bar.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
· Saw Audina Patridge around 6:30PM at the Happy Nail salon at West Hollywood Gateway center. The salon madame was clearly impressed with her walk-in client, who arrived with a friend girl. Since I was with my only friend who gives a shit about The Hills, Defamer has the privilege of being my "OMG, guess who I just saw" email.

SUNDAY, MAY 25
· Oh. My. God. F-List reality night at Barney's Beanery (WeHo branch on Santa Monica Blvd.) on Sunday night for karaoke. First of all, some dude is singing Kiss by Prince and surprisingly hitting all the notes, and it turns out to be that black trainer with the dreads from Work Out on Bravo. Not a bad singer! THEN. I am talking to a group of people who include these two tall identical blond dudes. Today whilst trolling the blogs I see one of them in the teaser for the new VH1 show I Love Money, and I realize that he was Mr. Boston from I Love New York. He has an identical twin. They are both kind of dorky and awkward.
· Wandering in and out between the parked cars in the 700 block of Hillcrest Road in Beverly Hills Sunday morning: Larry King. Note to Larry — those speeding metal chariots will hurt you. Use your phone on the sidewalk.

”Joel Madden spent a boozy night partying with Lindsay...Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers.”

As delighted as we are that recent gossip about Lohan has involved nudity and boys rather than drugs and DUIs, her fetish for robbing frenemies of their boyfriends is a long-standing Lohanism. We look back at some of her most classic crimes of passion after the jump.

We tend to think Lohan's habit of man-theft all started with that infamous catfight she had with Hilary Duff over Aaron Carter (yes, really, there was a time when he was the cat's pajamas) , who supposedly cheated on Lohan with the blonde teenybopper. But that one incident hardly justifies Lindsay's rap sheet since then:

May 2006: It's hard to feel bad for fellow seductress Paris Hilton, but her lovey dovey relationship with Stavros Niarchos (what ever happened to that guy by the way?) came to an abrupt end after Lohan was spotted "dirty dancing" with him at a club.
October 2007: After pissing off Paris, Lindsay took her fetish up a notch while in rehab, where she met and began dating snowboarder Riley Giles. The only problem? He was engaged to some poor girl in Utah at the time.
January 2008: And as recently as January, Lohan was linked to Adrian Grenier while big-bottomed girl Kim Kardashian was allegedly dating the Entourage star.

February 2008: Just one month later, Lindsay brought out her Paris-hating claws once again, managing to win the fight over girly song-singer James Blunt.

• NICOLE RICHIE CRUSHED AFTER CATCHING JOEL MADDEN WITH LINDSAY LOHAN [Star]

"Before Harlow came along, Nicole never had to worry about anything. All she did was party with her friends and go shopping...can't figure out if she's happier when she's home with the baby or hitting the town with her friends..."

Even when Nicole was just Paris' merrily chubby sidekick in 2004 (at left), we get the feeling that's a genuine smile. Whether or not substances had anything to do with it, girl is happy. And despite looking thisclose to snapping in half, Richie grinned while prancing down the beach in those infamous bikini pictures taken pre-Joel and Harlow. Finally, caught up in her new relationship and frequenting the party circuit like no other, it's obvious Nicole was always happiest when photographers aligning the red carpet shouted her name.

Fast-forward to present times. Pregnancy is supposed to give you that "glow" or whatever, but as we can see at left, Nicole looked far from overjoyed. And as for her activities, club-going has been replaced by glumly shopping for wrapping paper with the fiance. And most recently, having dropped the baby weight and looking just as thin as she ever did, a smile still can't be forced. Truth be told? We actually miss the old Nicole just as much as she does.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash, Getty]

• NICOLE TORN BETWEEN OLD LIFE, MOTHERHOOD [MSNBC]

Paris has always been thin, but a photo taken in late April showed the poptard looking just as eerily pin-thin as Nicole did during the height of her scary-skinny stage.

Though Nicole can't be credited with launching the gigantic granny glasses trend, she certainly had a major hand in popularizing it. And now, Paris is jumping on the bandwagon hardcore, wearing styles Nicole hasn't worn in years.

But most telling is Paris' recent choice of paramour: none other than Nicole's future hubby Joel Madden's brother Benji. Benji's always been the less appealing of the faux-punk brothers, mainly because Joel is taller and somehow a bit easier on the eyes. Plus he dated Hilary Duff, whereas Benji just dated that freaky-looking model Sophie Monk. But mirroring your newly hotter and happier BFF calls for desperate measures, and desperate measures Paris has officially taken.

[Photo credits: X17, Getty, Splash News]

• IS PARIS HILTON MORPHING INTO BEST FRIEND NICOLE RICHIE? [Daily Mail]

Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions.

Hulk Hogan: Low on the list, only because Brooke hasn't quite reached "starlet" or "rebellious" levels of fame yet.
Jamie Spears: Britney has publicly outed her dad as a former drug user, and we can't think of a father/daughter pair who are more "troubled" at the moment, but somehow Jamie doesn't strike us as the manhood-piercing type.
Michael Lohan: He is a wild card, but he's also some kind of born-again missionary. We don't know much about born-agains, but we doubt they frequent piercing parlors too often.

Lionel Richie: Lionel's the kind of guy we could picture spontaneously deciding to stick some jewels in those nether regions of his. But Nicole's no longer causing him any grief, and we can't find any reason why the crooner would be "troubled" at the moment.
Bruce Willis: Most likely suspect. Rumer's rebellious, Bruce is floundering, and he's a bad ass dude. How else to prove to his extended family that Ashton will never, ever be the man he is? A pierced Segel is the obvious answer.

[Photo credits: Getty, Rob's Blog, NYDN]

• JUST ASKING [NY Post]

Before she became the monstrosity that is Paris Hilton, the heiress' fame was limited to her hometown of Manhattan, in addition to a few high-profile ritzy vacation spots like St. Bart's and Miami. And she even had a respectable long-term relationship to model Jason Shaw, lasting four years and culminating in an engagement. But then the flashbulbs burned brighter, and Paris spread her fame-whoring wings, eventually meeting and planning yet another wedding with her first Greek shipping heir, conveniently named Paris Latsis. Surprise, surprise, that joyous meant-to-be union didn't last either. Then there were the rumors back in 2006 that she was gearing up for another engagement to man around town Stavros Niarchos, after showing up to a fashion party sporting a gigantic ring just like the one Latsis had given her. But just as she stole Stavros from Mary-Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan allegedly ran off with him for a night or two. So will Hilton's fourth scheme actually work out as planned? We're not betting bloggers, but we sense a pouty-faced glossy cover in the coming weeks featuring Paris and her broken love affair. But hey, we hear Calum Best is available!

[Photo credit: Getty]

• OH BROTHER! [NY Post]
• PARIS IN NEW RING-AROUND [NY Post]

From a nutrition expert at Berkeley quoted in ABC's piece: "I watched Atonement last night and thought that Keira Knightley looked like she was a refugee from a concentration camp." Um, zing? While the nutrition expert's assertion is far from scientific, and while we concur that anything the members of the Bimbo Summit do is officially trashy, we must admit we're not sure what to make of the news that a British blueblood lass like Keira has (allegedly) joined Gen Rx. Just watch, next thing we know she'll be swinging from the chandeliers at the Chateau Marmont while a giddy Pete Doherty looks on. Say it ain't so, Keira!

• HOLLYWOOD'S DIRTY DIET SECRETS [NYDN]
• ADDERALL: WEIGHT LOSS FIX OF THE STARS? [go.abc.com]

As Alli Sims learned after toiling after Britney Spears during her freakiest freakouts, hanging out with a star when they're at the height of their press coverage is good for business. After leaving Britney in the dust, Alli sold her story to Us and, according to her site, plans on launching her very own pop career. For all five of you who got hooked on Newlyweds, the name Cacee Cobb will ring a bell; she was Jessica Simpson's equally dim-witted personal assistant. After parting ways with Jess, she hooked up with Scrubs' Donald Faison, ensuring constant press coverage. And the ultimate BFF-to-star story comes in the form of The Hills' Heidi Montag, who's become arguably bigger than the show's "star," Lauren Conrad, and will soon release an album (which we will soon mock).
So come on down to parisbff.com! Where reality fame and half-naked spreads in Stuff gloriously await.

• MTV GREENLIGHTS HILTON REALITY SERIES [THR]
• WHO WANTS TO BE PARIS HILTON'S NEW BEST FRIEND? [Yahoo]

"She's gone public about being a heroin addict. Her boyfriend is covered in tattoos. By default, she's got the more interesting baby."

Admittedly, any star worth their drug history will corral the public's fascination (there's a reason Behind The Music was such a smash hit, thanks to its consistent inclusion of addiction-laden tales), but regarding star power, Aguilera is the proven winner. According to IMDB, the chameleon-like songstress has appeared on 19 US magazine covers to date (and that's not including 31 additional international covers!), compared to Richie's paltry two: FHM in 2004 and Seventeen in 2005. But apparently when it comes to babies, stars are no longer playing the fame game. It's more of a "which baby is more destined to wind up like Daniellynn" kind of game which, however sick and twisted it may be, is admittedly more fun.

• RICHIE COVER OUTSELLING AGUILERA'S [MSNBC.com]

Though we can't get any sense of whether or not Nic can dance, she has been known to boogie on a banquette or two to the crowd's approval. But after listening to the song, we're rooting for Nicole's chances on landing the part. And noticing how vastly better Nicole's personal and professional life is going compared to former upper-handed BFF Paris Hilton (a baby, a role in a Fosse musical, a devoted boyf, and finally some meat on her bones), we're on Team Richie, all the way.

• NICOLE RICHIE OFFERED LEAD ROLE IN 'CHICAGO' [Us]

While the issue isn't on stands til tomorrow, People has left us with this truly remarkable quote that's quite literally keeping us on the edge of our seats: "She gives life a whole new meaning and a whole new purpose." As staid, lifeless and unoriginal as that quote is, we still are going to bestow props to Nicole for altering her "life purpose" from seeing how far her skin could stretch across her hipbones to settling down with her smushy-faced rocker baby. We like Nicole 2.0.

• PEOPLE PHOTO EXCLUSIVE: NICOLE RICHIE'S BABY! [People]

Was it planned? Boy or girl? Has she picked a name? What's her theory about children and tattoos? Virtually nothing is off-limits, and it's all covered in the clip above. As always, enjoy—as if we even had to remind you to do that.

• Nicole Richie, Part I [Access Hollywood]

"It's all about these girls in Hollywood getting into trouble," Nasser said. "You see them all go to jail, you see them get arrested, you see them go through trials and tribulations."

Nasser said the script will use the names of real celebrities, but he isn't saying yet whether any of those names will be Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. "I'm not allowed to let those names out yet," he said.

So, how can Nasser base his movie on real-life celebrities without their permission? Simple, he says. "As long as we stick to the truth, we're in good shape." He said the movie will be about "real people" and based on "the public record."

Despite Nasser's frustratingly coy refusal to name the specific subjects of the film, we're confident the LAT's speculation about the film's troubled protagonists will prove accurate, and he'll soon have agents representing Dancing With the Stars-level talent like Anna Nicole's Ford clamoring for the opportunity to portray the most dramatic moments of Nicole Richie's 82 minutes in prison, or to prove that they can bawl on command just as convincingly as Paris Hilton when placed in the back of a police car after being taunted with one delicious night of house arrest.

• Producer preps film version of celebutantes' legal travails [LAT]

On Thursday, [Los Angeles County Undersheriff Larry] Waldie said, 143 people facing charges similar to Richie's were freed early — 89 males and 54 females.

For the same charge as Richie's misdemeanor, Waldie said "the most anyone would spend in that process would be eight to 12 hours. The most."

We're going to do our best to accept the Sheriff's Department at their word that they weren't singling out Richie as an example because of her worldwide fame, hoping that finally letting the issue go might help our psychic wounds to heal. We don't want to spend the entire weekend deprived of sleep by last night's recurring nightmare, in which Lady Justice, allowing one eye to peek out from beneath her blindfold so that she can read an Us Weekly cover story about the progress of Nicole's prenancy, cackles, "If I have anything to say about it, that little bitch's baby is going to be delivered by the switchblade sisters in Cell Block D!" Even once peaceful sleep returns, we still fear that the sound of our Lady's discarded scales clattering to the floor to free up the gnarled hand with which she then greedily diddled herself will haunt us for the rest of our days.

• Officials defend Nicole Richie's release [LAT]

Reviewing her case, prison officials deemed three-quarters-of-an-hour sufficient time for a rehabilitated Richie to have fully repaid her debt to society, and the prisoner was thus released, a full 82 minutes after her liberty had been so cruelly taken from her. It was barely enough time to have a mugshot taken (almost identical to her last one, save for reversed hair and shirt color) and catch a brief glimpse inside the Paris Hilton Memorial Hole, where Richie marveled aloud at how deep the wall scratches left by her Simple Life co-star were before leaving the facility for good, stopping outside the gate to take in a long whiff of the sweet, sweet afternoon Lynwood air. It smelled like freedom.

• Nicole Richie Released From Jail [showbuzz.cbsnews.com]

• Venom Unveils Paris & Nicole Go to Jail [AVN via Fleshbot]

Because there are, as ever, some incredibly bored or hammered oddsmakers out there, the betting Web site is laying odds on everything from the Maddenspawn's birth weight to hair color to which magazine will win the right to lovingly photograph its first week of attempts to feign interest in food. But we have to argue with them on one thing — 4-1 that they'll call it Reuben? Even if that's a family name, there's no way this girl is naming anything of hers after a sandwich.

Oh, and if you have any cash left over, we recommend a side wager on Betty White being the next person to beat the crap out of village idiot Andy Dick. At 9-1, it's not such a bad bet, because if The Golden Girls taught us anything, it's to lock up all the cheesecake and never to count out a girl from St. Olaf.

• Celebrity Betting [bodog.com]

With Richie squarely on the defensive, Sawyer attempted to stage a televised eating disorder intervention, presenting the troubled celebrity with a series of shocking images from her famously underweight past (though it was a cheap shot to Photoshop in a medical-school skeleton next to Lindsay Lohan. The tabloid sensibility really is destroying our morning chat shows) in the hope of inducing a tearful admission of anorexia. The move backfired, however, as a glowing Richie, elevated to something in the neighborhood of a healthy weight by her pregnancy, probably couldn't even recognize the wraith in Sawyer's pictures, and a Great TV Moment was lost. But to her credit, a defeated Sawyer refrained from grabbing her by the neck and shouting, "Listen, you skinny bitch, you're going to tell America that you nearly starved yourself to death because of Hollywood's obsession with thinness, or you're not going to live long enough to make it to jail."

• Good Morning America [ABC.com]
• Previously: Nicole Richie Confused By Glendale, Didn't Realize How Hard The Vicodin Hit Her [Defamer]

TMZ has learned Nicole Richie will do her time at the Lynwood jail — the place Paris Hilton called home for 23 days.

Richie had the option of serving her 90 hours at a "private jail." These facilities are nicer than Lynwood, for sure, but there's a downside. When an inmate does time at a private facility, they must serve out the entire sentence. At Lynwood, the Sheriff could turn a 4-day sentence into a revolving door, because of the overcrowding problem.

Even if Nicole didn't go in and out, she would do much less than 4 days. She could enter Lynwood late one evening (as Paris did) and she'd get credit for an entire day. On top of that, there's "good time" credit that would shave a significant portion of the sentence.

Man, prison rocks. It's like school, with all the extra credit they're handing out, getting sprung is practically a graduation, and then you get to turn the world on with your smile. At least Nicole knows now what she can look forward to: Next in her "Walk A Mile In Paris Hilton's Hand-Me-Down Shoes" Tour could be, "Depot: A Home Improvement Opera," in which Nicole stars alongside Stanley Tucci and one of the largely interchangeable High School Musical kids in a futuristic ode to rebuilding the world after the apocalypse, one well-chosen bathroom fixture at a time.

• Nicole Will To Dime At Paris' Big House [TMZ]

Richie blames her unfamiliarity with Glendale for her pot-and-Vicodin-assisted trip on the 134, an excuse that sounds reasonable enough to us: the city has remained largely free of the celebrity menace through its ingenious use of deliberately confusing freeway signage, painting their DO NOT ENTER and WRONG WAY warnings in a special hue invisible to the famous, a system that lures undesirable interlopers into police ambushes meant to deter future visits.

• Madden, Pregnancy Made Richie Change Her Ways [GMA]
• Previously: An Update About Our Feelings On The Nicole Richie Sentencing [Defamer]

This clip from ET previews the story, with an understandable focus on K-Fed, the unquestioned giant of the so-called Bad Boys Club—his womanizing game is so ridiculous that even his moms has to give him props. Also of note is Adler's amazing ability to become temporarily airborne despite the gravitational impediment represented by his enormous balls.

BONUS! Did you know that the VF photo shoot was conducted by none other than Billion Dollar Director Brett Ratner? It totally was! VF.com has behind-the-scenes footage of Ratner pointing a camera at his new bros, just minutes before he invited them all back to Hillhaven Lodge for a rager.

• ET [ETonline.com]
• The Tabloid Boys: Linked and Famous [VF.com]

Upon viewing this courtroom sketch from today's sentencing, in which a vulnerable Richie is depicted receiving her punishment from the judge (is that a tear on his cheek?), we can offer an update on our emotional state: Nope, still nothing. Sometimes we think that our hearts are made of the same charcoal that was used to render this portrait.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Previously: Nicole Richie's DUI Sentence Measured In Hours [Defamer]

The longtime Hilton sidekick, even in what should be her moment in the celebrity jurisprudence spotlight, continues to be overshadowed by her larger-than-life friend, earning a mere 96 hours of jail time for the DUI, six of which she's already credited for serving on the night of her arrest. Worst of all, we fear that her brief trip to prison will pass with so little fanfare that not even the most publicity-craving of luxury baked goods concerns will bother to send over a box of red velvet cupcakes, the ultimate commentary on the state of one's fading tabloid career.

• Nicole Richie sentenced to 90 hours in jail [CNN]
• Previously: An Important Update On The Contents Of Nicole Richie's Uterus [Defamer]

• Nicole Richie IS Pregnant [TMZ]