Ben Silverman Ushers In Golden Age Of TV That Makes You Use A Computer To Find Out What The Fuck Happens

Game-changing perfect executive storm Ben Silverman gave the keynote address at the TelevisionWeek Upfront Summit in New York recently (a sorry substitution for a line of high-kicking dogs and ponies on the stage of Radio City, we realize, but what can you do). In it, the programming maverick laid out his bold vision for TV's cross-platform, "log on to NBC.com now to find out if Hiro ever gets off Samurai Island!"-future. From TVWeek.com:

"[Broadcast] will also be where we launch our episodic storytelling vehicles, but they will be living and breathing everywhere," he said. [...]

"Around our new offerings there will literally be shows that end on air and the last scene will continue online," he said.

Lavish Network Upfronts Enter Historic New 'Nickel-and-Dime' Era

'Done Deal': Jimmy Fallon To Replace Conan O'Brien In '09

'30 Rock' To Anchor NBC's New Erection-Friendly 'MILF Hour'

Just weeks after NBC unveiled its much-touted, Ben Silverman-approved "family hour"—only to reveal their loose definition of "family" to include the holy hot mamas of 30 Rock's fictional (for now, at least) Mothers I'd Like to Fuck Island, and its inlet of pubescent discovery, Erection Cove—comes news that the network would be repositioning the sitcom in the more engorgement-friendly 9:30 slot, effective immediately:

"Rock," which has been airing at 8:30 p.m., will now benefit from having the Peacock's red-hot laffer "The Office" as its lead-in. "Scrubs" will inherit "Rock's" earlier timeslot.

Chris Rock Explains How 'Chippendales' Killed Chris Farley

"'Chippendales' was a weird sketch. I always hated it...The joke of it is, basically, 'We can't hire you because you're fat.' There's no comic twist to it. It's just [bleep]ing mean. Chris wanted so much to be liked. As funny as that sketch was...it's one of the things that killed him."

Are Gary Dourdan And Diane Neal Departing Their Hit Series For Mutually Disagreed-Upon, Shitcanning Reasons?

Noting that two cast members from TV's highest-rated procedurals—CSI's Gary Dourdan and Law & Order: SVU's Diane Neal—would be leaving their series at the end of their contracts, TVGuide.com's Michael Ausiello has reexamined the evidence, and concludes that these seemingly friendly departures were more likely the result of some less-than-amicable shitcannings:

In the case of Dourdan, an insider at the show insists that he and CSI execs "mutually agreed" to part ways for "creative reasons." However, a CBS mole claims the 41-year-old actor was essentially fired, adding that producers are trying to be "as supportive and protective" of him as possible by portraying the departure as mutual. That same mole wasn't willing to share the specific reason for Dourdan's ouster, except to say that it involves an "ongoing problem personal to Dourdan." [...]

'Biggest Loser' Bulges NBC's Ratings

· The two-hour season finale of The Biggest Loser earns NBC the runner-up spot on Tuesday, rousing Ben Silverman later that night with the 4 a.m. inspiration for a companion series: The Biggest Gainer will be a gluttonous exploitainment the likes of which the network hasn't seen since Feed The Bears. [Variety]
· Smugly vicious Idol judge Simon Cowell rendered all the more so by his The X Factor winner Leona Lewis's No. 1 position on Billboard—a first for a British artist. Also: Michael Johns lost because he has no personality. And: Randy Jackson has a boner. Further: Paula Abdul is drunk. [Variety]

Ben Silverman's Idea Of 'Family Friendly' Programming Includes Rockin' MILFs And Prepubescent Erections

More Fallout For Controversy Magnet Harvey Weinstein As 'Runway' Heads To Lifetime

Spring 2008 hasn't been kind to Harvey Weinstein and his little production company. First, his close friend Anthony Minghella passed away (prompting a highly critical piece penned by New York Magazine film critic David Edelstein), then he butted heads with the Marley family over his planned biopic on the reggae singer, and now the portly producer finds himself at the center of NBC and Lifetime's battle for Project Runway. Moments after Lifetime announced their five-year $150 million deal with the Weinstein Co. to take over the helm of Bravo's signature show, Jeff Zucker and his peacocked lawyers immediately responded by suing Harvey and his goons for breach-of-contract. And insiders at NBC aren't keeping mum about their feelings towards the money-hungry Weinstein:

"Harvey hates us passionately, always did...He despises Bravo because he thinks we didn't pay him enough."

Kathie Lee Gifford Returns To TV Just In Time To Be Serenaded By Harvey Fierstein

'The Office' Dedicates Episode To Internet Piano Prodigy

Ben Silverman Is Bringing 'Saturday Night Live' To Thursdays

Wunderdouche Ben Silverman unveiled NBC's ambitious 65-week schedule to advertisers today in New York, covering this summer and all of next year with wall-to-wall Steve McPherson ass-kicking action. Included in the programming onslaught: a dreaded Office spin-off and four weeks of primetime Saturday Night Live, Variety reports.

The Who Wants to Be a Millionaire-ization of The Office will begin with hourlong episodes of the U.S. original in September, followed by a very special post-Super Bowl airing and the premiere of the spin-off. The show will be joined in the fall by the currently titled SNL Thursday Night Live, which plans to steal some of that Daily Show Indecision '08 glow with four politically themed half-hour segments.

Ben Silverman To Whisk You Away From Society's Ills

· NBC is close to unveiling their very fantasy- and action-heavy 2008-09 lineup, including a pickup of Knight Rider, and Robinson Crusoe, an "'adrenaline-charged' update of the classic tale." Said Ben Silverman, "We just wanted to give audiences a viable alternative to all the really, really gay stuff Steve McPherson seems to love so much over at ABC." [Variety]
· The heirs of Superman creator Jerome Seigel have won a lawsuit against Warner Bros. that could cost the studio millions. This all comes courtesy of attorney Marc Toberoff, who's pursued similar claims against the studio on such other projects as Wild Wild West, Dukes of Hazzard, Smallville, and Get Smart, earning him the nickname "The Copyright Crusader," or, as WB execs refer to him, "Ass Tumor." [Variety]
· The first organized protests by a Fanboys fan group called the 501st are not likely to elicit any pants-soiling from Harvey Weinstein: "The 501st claims 14 members showed up in New York and, when confronted by two security guards, chose to go inside and pay to see 21 instead." They are now planning a 21 demonstration for later in the week, protesting the film's "lack of quality Kate Bosworth boobage." [THR]

An Open Call For 'Gayest Looks' Showers Jay Leno In Fabulous Middle-Finger Salutes

Hollywood's highest-paid scab Jay Leno's recent solicitation of Ryan Phillippe's "gayest look" for his cameras, part of a longer, excruciatingly unfunny and offensive bit about the actor's role as TV's first gay teen on One Life To Live, has now spawned a website, called My Gayest Look For Jay Leno: It invites people to send in their gayest looks, which seem to involve a great deal of creative bird-flipping. The site was co-created by Avenue Q playwright Jeff Whitty, who previously penned an open letter beseeching The Tonight Show host to stop making homophobic jokes in his monologues. Leno apparently called him up for a half-hour talk about Whitty's concerns, but has since returned to his egregious ways. We fear it's time to call in Ross the Intern to mediate what is quickly growing into an ugly and contentious affair between Jay and the Gays.

• Our Raison D'être [My Gayest Look For Jay Leno]

Opening Act Jeff Zucker Fails to Rally Crowd For Return of 'My Name is Earl'

Milo Ventimiglia Just Got Some Poolside Nachos, Uh Oh

Tina Fey Shoots Higher Than Choir-Preacher Jon Stewart

Tina Fey, arguably the most powerful vagina-having joke force in the universe, has rarely minced words in the past when it comes to some of her lesser-abled collaborators, whether describing Paula Abdul as a "disaster" or Paris Hilton as "a disease-ridden fucktard" [Ed.note: Could we have an intern verify that?] But we never expected the 30 Rock star and showrunner to run off so freely at the mouth about her comedy giant equals, such as in the case of her surprisingly harsh assessment of Jon Stewart's more politically solicitous material:

COMEDY queen Tina Fey says that while she makes people laugh, political pundit Jon Stewart only makes them uncomfortable.

'One Tree Hill' Makes It To 100 Episodes You Haven't Seen

· One Tree Hill celebrates its 100th episode with a very special one in which Chad Michael Murray slips into autopilot while secretly fantasizing to himself about how nice it would be to break free of The CW ghetto for the feature movie career he so richly deserves. [Variety]
· Peter Berg signs on to direct Dune for Paramount, presumably righting whatever wrongs were committed against the sacred source material by David Lynch's Sting-in-a-licorice-thong version. [Variety]
· McLovin works! The voice talents of Christopher Mintz-Plasse, along with Superbad buddy and child insult comic Jonah Hill, will be employed to thrilling effect in Dreamworks's computer-animated fantasy, How to Train Your Dragon. [THR]