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words of wisdom

The Hills: 'I Want To Get My Hands In There And Make Myself Available To You'

Even though zombified Whitney and scandal-plagued Audrina didn't have much to teach us on last night's wisdom-packed episode of The Hills, Spencer, Heidi and Lauren blew our minds with life lessons we'll carry with us forever. And despite not saying anything that even remotely resemebled wisdom, it must be said that Justin Bobby, with his new haircut, has officially reignited our Bad Boy Crush phase. Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer worked her magic to present the episode's most eye-opening moments, which we've broken down into three essential bits of knowledge:


1. How To Advance Your Career By Seducing The Boss! Without an annoying dandruff-headed fiance to keep her busy, Heidi is focused on her job as some kind of powerful publicity manager who rose through the assistant ranks by age 21 using one simple method: subtly let your male boss know you want to "get your hands in there" and "make yourself available" to them moments after uncrossing your legs.

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5:50 PM on Tue May 6 2008
By Molly Friedman
10,639 views, 15 comments

Latest by Jamo: @Desk_hack: Har har. Your sarcasm has the subtlety of a jackhammer. more »

the not so great white way

Three Reasons Why We Won't Be Watching MTV's 'Legally Blonde' Reality Show

As Variety reports today, MTV just greenlit eight episodes of a new reality show called The Search For Elle Woods, in which ten blonde hopefuls will compete to play the lead in Broadway's version of Legally Blonde. Reminiscent of NBC's You're The One That I Want, that high-kicking monstrosity in which amateur dancing, singing, crying, laughing Great White Way hopefuls danced their little hearts out for the chance to star in last year's revival of Grease, this one will thankfully rely on judges instead of America to determine the winner. But after hearing the details behind MTV's production plans, our initial sense is that the summer series will be utterly unwatchable. Three reasons why this show should not go on, after the jump:

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4:30 PM on Mon May 5 2008
By Molly Friedman
2,486 views, 11 comments

Latest by DexterRiley: Please tell me you're joking? So I'm supposed to jack it to Reese cavorting to These are a Few of My Favorite Things -- and I won't even be allowed to hear the music? Or see her two favorite "things?" more »

she said she said

See Heidi Swat Lauren: A David Letterman 'Hills' Primer

It's time to salute David Letterman, who continues to do a great service for us, the non-Hills watcher with only a vague idea of what the hell's going on with that inexplicably popular program. Thanks to the Reality TV Catfight Reform Act of 2007, Heidi Montag was granted equal Late Show broadcast time to that of Lauren Conrad, whereupon she too was grilled by Dave on the ins and outs of their feud. Apparently, the MacGuffin propelling much of this season's warfare was a much-discussed, but yet-to-surface sex tape starring Conrad and her former lover. More »

11:10 AM on Thu May 1 2008
By Seth
3,006 views, 22 comments

Latest by MessyMortal: I miss the old days when Dave, clad in a trenchcoat with huge pockets filled with corn chips, would be suspended by wires over a humonguous vat of cheese dip on the stage, and he would fly around trying to more »

viral infection

Geek Trailer Stampede Threatens World's Interest in Seeing 'The Dark Knight'

The latest oppressive trends in viral marketing received a skeptical close-up this week in The Hollywood Reporter, but for sheer word-of-mouth fanboy horror, look no further than Tuesday's video chronicle of the Dark Knight "scavenger hunt"/wild geek goose chase through Hollywood. MTV sent an intern to do its dirty work, which included — we shit you not — "a FedEx from the Joker himself," counting the number of fountains in the courtyard at the Hollywood & Highland Mall, and a half-dozen more eggheaded stunts that dead ended with Warner Bros. giving the hundreds of spectators three minutes to stampede to the multiplex — just to get a three-day jump on watching a trailer. More »

9:00 AM on Wed Apr 30 2008
By STV
1,713 views, 5 comments

Latest by mitchel_stevens: @Da7e: Poor, poor Chickenhawk. more »

words of wisdom

The Hills: 'Don't. Freak. Out.'

Underneath that swarthy, dirty-haired facade that Hills heartthrob/bastard Justin Bobby exudes lies an astonishing ability to inspire the rest of the cast with his wildly profound life lessons. His highly anticipated return to the habitually bland "reality" show jump-started whatever brain cells our blonde professors possess after popping all those producer-supplied Adderalls. In one particularly Carrie Bradshaw-esque line, our antihero explains, "It's not nice when you fall away from people, but when you kind of regroup again, it's..." Sure, we don't learn what "it" is, but still. Sheer poetry. As you'll see in our clip masterfully crafted by Intrepid Defamer Videographer&trade Molly McAleer, there were lessons aplenty last night. One prime example from dearest dead-eyed Audrina? A Webster-worthy definition of the term "date like a date date." [MTV] More »

3:55 PM on Tue Apr 22 2008
By Molly Friedman
7,522 views, 4 comments

Latest by snarkordie: If the return of JustinBobby means more James Franco parodies, I'm all for it. more »

no butts about it

Paris Hilton Is Not A Fan Of Kim Kardashian's 'Cottage Cheese In A Trash Bag' Butt

Note to all potential Paris Hilton BFFs: if you're planning on auditioning to become Paris' next new lapdog, don't even think about standing a chance if you're packing any junk in the trunk. Hilton recently made it clear that should a friend's rear prove aesthetically displeasing to the heiress, she will shun them from her sparkly circle. As she blabbed in a recent radio interview:
"I would not want [Kim's butt] — it's gross! ...It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag."
But considering the latest turn-out at a New York audition for her new show, Hilton may want to lower her standards a bit... More »

2:30 PM on Thu Apr 17 2008
By Molly Friedman
13,971 views, 15 comments

Latest by Hanapana: Looking at Kim and Paris...is like comparing Marilyn Monroe and Olive Oyl. more »

like omg no way

The Reality Behind 'The Hills': Adderall Addicts And Cat Pee

It's really a shame that the storylines we see on The Hills aren't as "real" as MTV claims they are, since the blonde cast's off-screen lives seem far more colorful than what we see on the show. This season we've trudged through (yawn) yet another ongoing catfight between Heidi and Lauren, and barely kept our eyes open while slowest speaker in the world Whitney learns how to cope with a new job. But rumors surfacing today involving real-life catfights between Lauren and roomie Audrina, plus not-so-blind items suggesting the entire cast is fed drugs by producers, make us wish this "unscripted" drama would throw out the scripts already. More »

11:40 AM on Thu Apr 10 2008
By Molly Friedman
6,336 views, 7 comments

Latest by BoHan: Hmmm, well Lauren has one cat, Ashes, and Audrina is allergic to it, so it stays in Lauren's bedroom. So it sounds like Spencer is mouthing off to Perez yet again. more »

i don't want my mtv

Mike Myers Set To Host MTV Movie Awards, Resuming Sorely Missed Tradition Of Actual Talent At Show's Shaky Helm

The MTV Movie Awards have always managed to deliver one or half a dozen memorable moments worthy of YouTube legacy. But the host of the show has rarely been a factor in determining that year's success story, until the producers' decision to enlist Sarah Silverman last year finally lifted the program's ratings. With last year's success still fresh in their minds, MTV has announced that Mike Myers will helm the 2008 edition, signaling a definitive return to the program's roots. Sixteen years ago, the show premiered with Dennis Miller at the wheel, followed by SNL alum Eddie Murphy, Jon Lovitz, two Jimmy Fallon appearances and of course, Myers' own try in 1997. But recently MTV has rolled their dice with more commercially appealing faces like Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba. We took a look back at the show's hosting history to figure out if the show's host, like love, has anything to do with it. More »

1:30 PM on Wed Apr 9 2008
By Molly Friedman
1,495 views, 7 comments

Latest by SuperUnison: @bowleen: You can almost watch Myers' last dollop of relevance drain out of him like a leaky, ham-skinned lazy comedy car radiator. more »

words of wisdom

The Hills: Words Of Wisdom

Last night's double dose of The Hills was so jam-packed with Words of Wisdom that Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer feels, like, one thousand percent smarter after putting this piece together. And you'll feel similarly after watching, we promise. From Friendship 101 to deep discussions on ancient British proverbs ("It's just water under the bridge. Wait, is 'water under the bridge' an expression, right?"), Lauren, Heidi, Whitney and Methanie Pratt were dishing out more stellar advice than Dr. Phil. And, as usual, one of our favorite gems came from nudie photo scandal subject Audrina, who pretty much summed up everything we're going to learn from our blonde life professors this season: "That's weird how the world works." So. True. [MTV]

3:40 PM on Tue Apr 8 2008
By Molly Friedman
7,322 views, 17 comments

Latest by LoSpaz: @JulieJewel: Nose! more »

that's hot

Howard Stern's Cronies Want To Be Paris Hilton's BFF

If you have "responsibilities" and "a life," you may not know that Paris Hilton is searching for a best friend on her new MTV reality show. So how does one get in on that sweet action and earn the right to hang with Hilton (for as long as the cameras are rolling)? MTV suggests you start by heading over to http://parisbff.com and creating a profile. Then, if you get enough votes, you could be picked for the show. You'll be in good company because two of the most celebrated members of Howard Stern's Wack Pack have already done so. More »

5:10 PM on Mon Apr 7 2008
By nickm
2,131 views, 4 comments

Latest by Snarky1: I love Howard and hate Paris with equal fervor. This is the best thing ever! Benjy is the perfect person to make this stupid, wretched excuse for a human have a nervous breakdown and vanish from our lives (as MTV will more »

rock the cradle

No-Talent Children Are Even Worse Than Their Semi-Talented Parents

Another day, another reality show featuring D-list celebs premieres on basic cable. And last week was no exception, as MTV's Rock the Cradle made a strong showing right out of the gate. That's the program where children of washed-up musicians try to prove that they have as much talent as their parents. Unfortunately, the acorn falls pretty fucking far from the tree. As evidence, may we present Olivia Newton John's daughter, Chloe Lattanzi. More »

4:10 PM on Mon Apr 7 2008
By nickm
4,953 views, 20 comments

Latest by cheesebubble: @crookedE and Leviticus_71: i love it. thank you for addressing the same thoughts than ran through my head upon experiencing newton john jr. "reality" television never ceases to outdo itself, in a desperate race to the lowest common denomenator. belinda, why more »

rants

100 Seconds That Symbolize Just How Far The 'Real World' Has Fallen

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment at which The Real World lost its cultural relevance, but if you were to press us for an answer, we'd have to say it was when the greedy producers at MTV killed their golden goose by launching Real World: Philadelphia less than six weeks after the finale of Real World: San Diego aired. In retrospect, the grand successes of the last truly great RW season were a unfortunate harbinger of things to come for the series as a whole; while the arrests of Brad and Robin made for undeniably great television, it also established a dangerous precedent for the series by making the act of running afoul of the law something for future housemates to aspire to. But we digress — we could talk about this for hours, but we won't. Our point was mainly to say that we haven't watched the Real World in years, and while The Reunion Special / Roast that aired last night had its moments, there was a moment that occured just minutes into the show that, for us, symbolized the de-evolution of the series from a (dare we say) noble social experiment into something that more closely resembles a frat party for community college dropouts. More »

3:30 PM on Thu Apr 3 2008
By Mark Graham
16,784 views, 29 comments

Latest by CrankYank: I stopped watching after the Boston cast seemed to have an epidemic of chronic fatigue. And I attained the age of majority. Though cartoonist dude from SF will still someday be my boyfriend, when he's had enough of med school more »

words of wisdom

The Hills: Words Of Wisdom

Today marks the first edition of "The Hills: Words Of Wisdom," a new weekly feature in which the bleached blonde cast of "real people" indulges us with life lessons worth learning. On last night's Season Four premiere, the one-hour chickfest was jam-packed with girly fever, tears, ruined dresses, dates with French rockers, and Spencer's Lucy Ball 'do. But the most important thing to take away from all that femitude is the wise words of heroines Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port and former meth addict Stephanie Pratt. This show is more than just quick flashes of fancy parties and shoes, combined with solemn pouts over which guy to tease; The Hills is the modern day version of Emily Post's guide to good etiquette. Thanks to the keen skills of Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, now you can learn just what to do when you feel nauseous over the loss of designer shoes ("breathe"), whether or not boys are hotter in LA or Paris ("way hotter in Paris"), and most importantly, how to successfully mount a motorcycle while wearing a dress worth more than your house. [MTV]

5:04 PM on Tue Mar 25 2008
By Molly Friedman
10,256 views, 23 comments

Latest by BoHan: @B-Side: Yeah, the situations have become more and more stagey as MTV has demanded that even more episodes be aired on a weekly basis for longer stretches - LC's life is just way too boring for that. But that's OK, more »

generation gaps

David Letterman Attempts To Unravel The Puzzlement That Is Lauren Conrad

How far David Letterman has come in his interactions with reality stars since the days when he'd require visiting Survivor castaways to stand in quarantine, disinterestedly lobbing questions about insect-ingestion from a contagion-safe distance of 15 meters. Now, they climb right into the chair next to him, just like real stars!

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11:51 AM on Wed Mar 19 2008
By Seth
4,577 views, 7 comments

the hills and valleys

'The Hills' Audrina Patridge Was Young! She Needed The Money!

Fans of The Hills, MTV's probing voyage past young Hollywood's vacant eyes and into the unknown landscape lying just beyond (turns out, the unknown looks a lot like the Beverly Center!), will instantly recognize Audrina Partridge in the explicit photos above links below. One of the show's pack of nocturnal, scene-crawling famepires, Partridge found a replenishing source of the C-list celebrity she so desperately needs to feed on being cast as the fiercely loyal sidekick to head Hills succubus L.C. Conrad. More »

10:31 AM on Wed Mar 19 2008
By Seth
25,296 views, 5 comments

Latest by missbehave (is misbehaving): famepires. love it. more »

trade roundup

IAC Trial Blows Cabin Doors Open On Barry Diller's Private Jet Addiction

· In Extreme Fighting Championship: Mogul Edition, Liberty Media head John Malone and a major shareholder in Barry Diller's IAC took Diller to court over Diller's plan to split his company into five not-so-easy pieces. In his opening day testimony, he accused Diller of selfishly referring to their warm-and-fuzzy, communal corporate multi-conglomerate as "his business," and of having mastered the "'fine art' of taking advantage of the corporate jet." There really is a fine art to that, as Diller has been known to order in entire water polo teams when he suddenly develops a midnight hankering for some Italian. [Variety]
· As soon as celebrated fauxteur Brett Ratner finishes shooting on his Imagine Playboy movie (to be released simultaneously in IMAX Bunny-D!), his next project is looking to be a live-action version of '90s comic book series Harbinger. [Variety]

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12:05 PM on Tue Mar 11 2008
By Seth
1,857 views, 1 comment

Latest by gwendolyn: "...as Diller has been known to order in entire water polo teams when he suddenly develops a midnight hankering for some Italian. [Variety]" Oh, that was choice... more »

roasting the toasted

'Real World Awards' To Celebrate Nineteen Seasons Of Enabling Reality TV's Most Unashamed Attention-Whores

To help celebrate the premiere of the The Real World's upcoming Hollywood-set season where the series can abandon the already-flimsy pretense its houseguests are there for any reason other than attracting the attention of personal-appearance agents who find mall-opening star-quality in their ability to fight with and/or fuck their castmates, MTV is throwing The Real World Awards Bash: Roast 'Em and Toast 'Em on March 29. It's an awards show! And a roast! And a...toast! Polling is now open on MTV.com, where viewers can vote for their favorite melodramatic phonecall that messily ended a long-distance relationship, drunken altercation with law-enforcement officials annoyed by the presence of a camera crew, and hot-tub orgy that threatened the reproductive health of all involved. (We're really pulling for the Vegas season's Steven, Trishelle and Brynn three-way for that last category.)

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2:45 PM on Tue Feb 12 2008
By Mark
4,211 views, 18 comments

reality tv

Tila Tequila Still Not Done Hunting For M. Right

Elfin MySpace celebrity Tila Tequila rocked the competitive reality show dating world with MTV's A Shot at Love by adding a bisexual wrinkle to the staid genre. Sadly, all the contestants' valiant efforts at squeegeeing melted chocolate out of their nether regions were for naught, as Tequila revealed that she and chosen contestant Bobby Banhart have already gone their separate ways—conveniently opening the door for another entertaining rutting contest for the hand of the little agave-based party animal:

The cabler will produce 10 new episodes of "Shot at Love," with the segs slated to premiere in the spring. Format will once again have straight men and lesbians vying for the heart of Tila Tequila.
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11:00 AM on Wed Jan 2 2008
By Seth
2,830 views, 3 comments

Latest by BabylonSister: Aw, if New York and Skankable, or whatever her little romeo's name is, could find happiness, don't give up hope, Tila. more »