Meet Joan Graves, the Most Powerful Censor in the Film Industry

Believe it or not, half-ass blogging neophyte Patrick Goldstein has kind of a genuine scoop today at The Big Picture: A heads-up to an interview with CARA (Classifcation And Ratings Administration) board head Joan Graves, arguably the most notorious (and notoriously private) movie censor of the last 50 years. Of course, it's not Goldstein's interview, but rather his wife's, banished to the relatively innocuous comfort of Graves's alumni magazine at Stanford. But that doesn't make it an any-less-terrifying glimpse behind the scenes of the ratings board's "parent-friendly" tyranny:

Nowadays Graves' office even accepts scripts to review for a ratings opinion. "We don't guarantee the film made from a script will get a certain rating, but we can give them an idea. We can say, well, you've got two 'fucks' in the script, or the violence on Page X sounds brutal. One of our senior raters is very good at assessing scripts. Another is the filmmaker liaison, to answer production questions like: 'How much nudity can we show in this scene?' " Graves says the liaison issues are "the most interesting part of the job for me, and growing larger." ...

Green skin, black lungs: That's what smoking-in-film watchdog group the American Medical Association Alliance is accusing Universal of showcasing in The Incredible Hulk, and thereby encouraging its teen audiences of picking up the deadly habit in order to emulate the cool on-screen persona of William Hurt's stogie-loving army general. From their press release:

“Shame on ‘The Incredible Hulk’ for unnecessarily adding smoking to a sequel that would have been just as exciting and believable without it,” said Dianne Fenyk, President of the [American Medical Association (AMA) Alliance]. “Universal Studios and the other Hollywood studios should be especially embarrassed for using comic book movies, which they market to children and know youth will want to see, to promote tobacco.” [...]

Help is On the Way For Children Threatened by 'Hulk Smash Hands'

It's been a while since The Incredible Hulk lumbered into a completely fabricated media controversy, a drought no doubt prompting the LA Times to report today's scandal that... that... Sweet Jesus, we can't even write it. John Horn, would you please step in?

If your kids simply must watch the Cartoon Network, they will be overwhelmed with ads for all kinds of tooth-rotting junk, including Pop Tarts, Lucky Charms, Reese's Puffs and some concoction called Froot Loops Cereal Straws. But critics say there's a different pediatric health risk on the cable channel — promotions tied to violent, PG-13-rated movies. ...

Movie Industry Mouthpieces Shockingly Confident in Movie Industry's Recession Resiliency

In an environment as volatile and prone to bullshit as the film business is, we tip our caps to the guileless souls who keep it real when things are looking down. Particularly people like MPAA president Dan Glickman, who, when asked by Time Magazine how the industry's '08 crop of retreads, sequels and adaptations might weather the sluggish economy, steadfastly refused to toe the company line:

"When times are bad, our business seems to buck the trend," says Dan Glickman. ... "The movies are great therapy. It's a lot cheaper than a psychiatrist." ...

Innocent Data Entry Error Triples Reported College-Student Movie Piracy Numbers; MPAA Apologizes For Previous Call To Have All Universities Burned To The Ground

· Whoopsies! The MPAA admits that a 2005 study "incorrectly concluded" that movie piracy by college students is responsible for 44 percent of the industry's domestic losses, claiming that a "data entry" error ever so slightly inflated the actual "key number" of 15 percent. [THR]
· Fox and The CW have joined CBS in announcing a more "targeted" approach to the strike-abbreviated pilot season, taking an opportunity to dump projects the networks either can't or don't want to make whenever the WGA and AMPTP reach a new deal. Additionally, ABC is threatening to lighten its script load by 30 percent. [Variety]
[After the jump: Idol crushes rivals (again); studio speciality divisions dominate Oscar noms; Jericho finds a basic cable home.]

The Ultimate MPAA Anti-Piracy Ad

Even though the anti-piracy ad embedded above was mocked up by the writers of British (and soon to be NBC) sitcom The IT Crowd, we wouldn't be too surprised if the MPAA was already working on a version to run before American films to help stop the widespread disrespecting of copyrights. Sure, they'll need to change small details like having its scofflaw defecate into a more-recognizable LAPD hat rather than a quaint bobby helmet, but the Brits have already done the rest of the work in communicating to file-sharing teens the core message that downloading a camcorded copy of Good Luck Chuck will earn them a bullet in their bittorrent-addled brains.

• IT Crowd antipiracy ad [YouTube]

Lucky And Flo Take Manhattan

We're still feeling a little guilty for posting that photo of fake naked leopard man earlier today, which we readily admit was equal parts nauseating and underwhelming, and utterly devoid of any of the charms that made the authentic Naked Leopard Man such a timeless classic. To make it up to you, we have what we consider to be a very special treat: Lucky and Flo, the two highly trained dogs who can not only sniff out pirated DVDs, but then engage their handlers in a vigorous match of Frisbee Fetch with said contraband, paid a visit to The Today Show this morning.

Fox Throws Hands In The Air, Decides It Has No Choice But To Make 'Dallas' As A Comedy

· Realizing that no matter what their vision was going in for a long-planned, big-screen adaptation of Dallas, the final result would be hilarious, Regency and 20th Century have finally decided to just give up and officially make it as a comedy. Betty Thomas will direct, and John Travolta will still star as JR Ewing, playing the part in only a slightly bigger fashion as a nod to the project's new direction. [Variety]
· Once again, the DGA refuses to allow For Your Consideration DVD screeners to be sent to members for their yearly awards, forcing guild members to schlep out to screenings to see their peers' work presented as it was intended. [THR]
· Following the less-than-blockbuster results of promotions for movies like Akeelah and the Bee and Arctic Tale, Hollywood is discovering that Starbucks might not be marketing monolith that they'd had hoped it would be. Several studios are now considering scaled-back versions of the failing Starbucks experiment, such as planting paid confederates to sit by the door of The Coffee Bean and loudly shout into a cellphone about how much they loved a partner's movie. [Variety]
· It's about time someone made a RenFair comedy*: Universal buys the Rainn Wilson project Renaissance Man, about two community theater actors who hide out a renaissance fair after thinking they've killed one of their co-stars. (*For real; and no, we don't count that one part in The Cable Guy.) [THR]
· Focus Features accepts the MPAA's NC-17 rating for Ang Lee's erotically charged espionage thriller Lust, Caution for "too many scenes of artsy-fartsy fucking." [Variety]

Lucky And Flo To Receive Malaysia's Highest Honor

More 'Captivity' Ad Fun: Elisha Cuthbert Vs. The Grizzly Bears

Dan Glickman: We Are Living In A Golden Age Of Hollywood Crap

Anti-Smoking Activists Not Buying MPAA's Lip Service

MPAA To Now Designate Movies As Rated Light, Ultra Light, And Menthol

Then Again, Maybe 'Spider-Man 3' Will Be Huge

Hollywood PallbearerWatch: Spielberg, Arnold Draw Honorary Duty At Valenti Funeral