Meanwhile, in addition to Ms. Stone and Mr. Nolte, this installment includes Miley Cyrus, Elijah Wood, Jerry O' Connell, Mario Lopez, Tom Cavanagh, Hank Azaria, Milo Ventimiglia, Joel Madden, and more. Onward!

Thursday, Oct. 9

· Rock N' Roll Ralphs on the late night. A sour-faced MILO VENTIMIGLIA enters looking ever the dick in a white shirt and black slacks. This guy is miniscule. I don't know if that's why he was pissed off or what. Maybe his First Communion rehearsal didn't go so well.

Wednesday, Oct. 8

· This was taken today, the day after his fire, NICK NOLTE at Starbucks in malibu. Looking actually in very good spirits. he was with the guy in the tank top.

· Just walked past MARIO LOPEZ inside Equinox in WeHo... Surprisingly, he was wearing a shirt.

Sunday, Oct. 5

· TOM CAVANAGH, TV's "Ed", with his wife and children on AA flight 185 from JFK to LAX.

· I began my day by watching old movies on cable, on of which was Intersection (1994, Richard Gere, Sharon Stone, Lolita Davidovich). Fast foward, same day, Bristol Farms Beverly Hills, 4:07 (I looked at my receipt). I picked up a few things and am standing on line at checkout and looking at this woman in the next checkout over thinking, hmmm, that woman looks like SHARON STONE and it was. We both ended up leaving at the same time and I told her about my movie morning and she laughed and said "How funny!" I asked her how she was doing (why, I don't know) she replied "Good!" and then I told her how great she looked and she smiled and thanked me. So pleasant and nice. Then in the parking lot, I neary dropped my bag as no less than 3 paps jumped at her and clicked away. One helped her with her bags to her new back Bentley convertible.... She did nothing but smile, thank and wave. And that was the day I lost my paparazzi virginity, with Sharon Stone. I need a cigarette.

Saturday, Oct. 4

· All at the Swell Season show at the Greek: CHRISTINE TAYLOR, HANK AZARIA, JEREMY SISTO. I'm glad they all have good taste in music. Glen and Marketa had just recorded their voices for The Simpsons the day before so that's probably why Hank was there. No Matthew Perry tho? He's been at every single Swell Season/Frames show I've seen in the past year.

Thursday, Oct. 2

· Saw everyone’s favorite Hipster Hobbit ELIJAH WOOD at the Sigur Ros at The Greek on Thursday night. I’ve read he’s got great taste in music, so this is no real surprise.

Tuesday, Sept. 30

· I saw JOEL MADDEN getting coffee in Westwood early this morning. At first I didn't notice, but Nicole Richie was also there with their baby. She was dressed casually and was super tiny. I'm not tall, but I was definitely taller than him as well. Once Madden got his coffee they quickly disappeared. All I could figure was that they were taking the baby for a check up at the medical center.

Sunday, Sept. 28

· Spotted MILEY CYRUS at the Grove. She was with two girl friends and she surprisingly didn't look troll-like at all. And in fact looked her age.

Thursday, Sept. 25

· I was on Brooks avenue in venice this past Thursday, when who do I see getting out of his car a full block and a half from Abbot Kinney? It's the fat kid from Stand By Me (JERRY O'CONNELL), and boy did he look nervous. He parked his car, walked down the block, then went back to his car. Strange behavior in a residential neighborhood two hundred yards from Abbot Kinney. It was a at about 2:30 and there was plenty of parking on Abbot Kinney, so I figured he didn't want anyone seeing him getting out of his car here. Strange behavior, but as he walked past me in his skinny jeans and sunglasses, I said "Hey," and he ignored me. Now I know he's a long way from Calabasas, but here in Venice, it's not that unusual seeing actors and it's even less unusual to see B-grade TV actors married to hot babes. So, he should smile and say hello. However he acted nervous, and with the missus pregnant with Twins, one has to wonder what he's doing so far from home, acting stressed. Hey — wasn't he the star of Tomcats?

Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't have a beef with his 15-year-old daughter Miley dating 20-year-old aspiring musician Justin Gaston.

"He actually reminds me a lot of myself when I was 20-years-old and I was living and searching for the dream," Billy Ray tells Access Hollywood of the model (and former Nashville Star contestant).

"He's got a great heart and soul, and a lot of determination," Billy Ray added. "I think that's the true measure of a man, is when you measure his heart."

That, or the measurement of his International Jock thong! While we can't blame Miley for wooing Gaston, we do have to question a certain level of age-appropriate behavior — after all, what 15-year-old teen queen would invite the 46-year-old Steve Carell to her birthday party? He's married, Miley — hands off!

• Billy Ray Cyrus: Miley's Older Beau "Reminds Me a Lot of Myself" [Us]

Boomp3.com

Embattled Disney tween mega star Miley Cyrus proved to the world that she has nothing up her sleeves nor any intention of pulling a practical joke on nearby civilians. Its been rumored that Hannah Montana has been tormenting the sleepy Toluca Lake community with a wave of ding dong ditches and late night Huffy bicycle races. Yet Cyrus remained steadfast in denial of being involved in any shenanigans. Cyrus said, “That wasn’t me, y’all. I’m just too busy to ding dong ditch somebody unless it was that cranky old Mr. Cruthers. He’s soooo weird. Okay, I ding dong ditched his house, but that was it.”

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Here are a few reasons why we think his films are so popular:

1.) They're completely unrealistic, and we love it.
Clearly, the main reason women love romance movies is that they are ridiculously far-fetched. Sure, our boyfriends would jump on to a moving ferris wheel a la Ryan Gosling to ask us out on a first date! And pale, feeble, Cross-bearers like Mandy Moore could certainly tame popular cool cats like Shane West in A Walk to Remember in real life. We know it's all bullshit, but a girl can dream.

2.) He gets the right people to play the parts.
Okay, when you were in high school, you totally thought pre-ER bad-boy Shane West was a fine piece. And clearly whoever is casting these things still has the knack for it: Channing Tatum is set to star in the upcoming adaptation of Dear John, and obviously Miley is in demand. Plus, James Franco cameo as Richard Gere's son this weekend? Do us.

3.) True love can survive anything.
Gosling goes off to war. And then McAdams-turned-Gena Rowlands goes totally insane at the end of The Notebook and wanders all over the hospital post-midnight. It looks like the house in Rodanthe is about to rot into a piece of driftwood. Are these obstacles too grand to stop a Sparks plotline? Never! True love prevails over all.

4.) Speaking of houses - the ones in the movies are fucking sweet.
Gosling builds McAdams a house. Like, are you serious? It has a ridic balcony so she can paint fields and rainbows and swans on the lake and shit. And though we haven't seen Rodanthe yet, it has blue shutters and is so close to the water the sand stains the windows. We want to live there.

5.) And finally, even old people can get it on in a Sparks flick.
We weren't totally repulsed when Rowlands and James Garner made out at the end of The Notebook, and that's saying something.

Our spies on the set tell us Miley has bragged that she will get fired, making it clear she wants to focus on singing and not the show. For his part, Billy Ray has also made it clear that there is more money in singing than a Disney cable show. As a result, the father-daughter team has been showing up to the set ridiculously late, stalling production and infuriating cast and crew.

Emily Osment, who plays Lilly Truscott, used to be extremely tight with Miley. Now we're told Emily is so bitter she literally turns away from Miley after each scene. We're told Emily's dad got in a screaming match with Billy Ray, complaining he and Miley were unprofessional.

Sources tell us Billy Ray has told people on the set that he and Miley will do 12 more episodes and then they are out. Disney was so pissed they called his agent, railing that Billy Ray and Miley were ingrates. Disney insisted that Billy Ray and Miley not only finish the 24 episode season — but Disney was adding six more episodes.

Cyrus denies the report, telling People that she is "fully committed" to Hannah Montana, but Disney is no doubt buzzing over the rumors. Be careful, Miley: though a career outside Disney may seem enticing, that Toluca Lake waitress who bears a striking, saddened resemblance to a certain ex-Lizzie McGuire star may have a few regretful words on the subject.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Disney to Miley: Face the Music or Else! [TMZ]

• Miley Cyrus 'Fully Committed to Hannah Montana' [People]

Boomp3.com

Underwear model/country crooner Justin Gatson thought his budding relationship with teen megastar Miley Cyrus hit a stumbling block after receiving the dreaded 'peace out.' Gatson assumed that things were going well despite their slight age gap, and they had some fun times like going to CityWalk, Old Towne Pasadena and FroYo. Cyrus turned around and said, “I’m not peaceing out on us. I’m peaceing out because I’m not allowed to stay out past 11 or eat anything or get wet. It’s like that movie, Gremlins. We’re awesome though. It’s just that I need to go home.”

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Just Jared has the bare facts backstory:

Earlier today, Miley Cyrus was seen attending Saturday morning church service with buff-bodied Nashville Star hottie Justin Gaston, who’s also an underwear model.

The 15-year-old Disney sensation and the 20-year-old hunk were accompanied by Miley’s family. Justin is originally from Louisiana and left home at age 17 to pursue a career in music, while supporting himself as a model.

Oweing less to acclaimed photographer Annie Liebovitz and more to InternationalJock.com, the pictures still show off some of Gaston's best assets — something, alas, we cannot say about this shaky version of "Hey There Delilah" from his stint on Nashville Star:

Voted off the country competition after only his third song, at least Gaston has landed on his most-assuredly bare feet. Good luck with Hannah Montana, Josh — and thanks for your sterling contribution to Defamer's Male Pulchritude Day!

[Photo Credit: internationaljock.com]

• Miley Cyrus — Justin Gaston is an Underwear Model! [JustJared]

Boomp3.com

The baristas (baristi?) at a Toluca Lake coffee shop reached their breaking point with frequent customer Miley Cyrus over the weekend. According to one barista who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Cyrus’ frequent abuse of the homey atmosphere of the store may lead to her permanent eviction. They said, “We don’t mind it when people come in and hang out. We encourage it, but you have to buy a drink first. It’s the unspoken rule. She usually doesn’t order a drink until after an hour or two of just hanging out.” Apparently, Cyrus was in the store on Sunday for over forty-five minutes before placing her order for a caramel mocchachino with skim. It was at that point that Steve, the manager, warned her that she had just gotten her second strike.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

To help generate further internet excitement and mainstream media buzz, tween superstar Miley Cyrus and potential one hit wonder Katy Perry air kissed their way down the red carpet at the VMAs on Sunday afternoon. Cyrus' mother, Tricia, made sure that she oversaw the air kissing and light hand holding. Mrs. Cyrus said, "I'm just here to make sure she doesn't run into that Ronson chick or get too buck wild. She's already had two Rock Stars, I think that's where it's going to stop today. "

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

A group of photographers broke up tween superstar Miley Cyrus and Dancing With The Stars contestant Cody Linley's night at the drive in movies on Tuesday. Apparently, the windows of Linley's automobile were getting too foggy preventing the capture of special or magic moment between the Hannah Montana stars. Another photographer asked if he could hop into the back seat of the car because he really wanted to watch Disaster Movie. The twosome shrugged their shoulders and allowed the man to join them in back under one condition: he gets the deluxe nachos combo and a large cherry Icee with two red vines to act as straws.

Photo Credit: X17

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Leader of the tween revolution Miley Cyrus could barely hold back her excitement as the entire Cyrus clan headed for an early dinner at a City Wok in Studio City. The famed family rallied together to celebrate Billy Ray's birthday, but sadly, City Wok was not his first choice for a birthday dinner. Billy Ray Cyrus said, "I wanted to go to STK or Chop and get a great big ole steak. But since Miley is the breadwinner in this family, she calls the shots and she picked up City Wok." Miley added, "Egg rolls are going to be super yummers. Happy birthday, Dad!"

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The 11th annual Gay Days event, which attracted 30,000 gays and lesbians to the park last year, actually takes place October 3-5. Gay Days describes itself as a "mix-in with straight parkgoers," where the LGBT crowd wears red shirts. Gay Days is not Disney-sponsored, so park operators will not have official regulation over the event.

We're told that Miley's party will indeed be well-removed from the Gay Days celebration, with her 5,000-strong contingent expected to squeeze into the redoubt of Sleeping Beauty's Castle and one lucky ticketbuyer selected at random to keep an eye on Nick Jonas at the door. Just in case! Check out Disney's ticket site (and turn down your speaker volume first, seriously) for your chance to win!

• ET Exclusive: Miley Cyrus' Sweet 16 at Disneyland! [ET]
• Miley to Celebrate Sweet 16 With Disney Gays [The Advocate]

But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.

I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

(Then there's "bonus Jonas" Frankie (a/k/a "Frank the Tank"), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)

Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It's About Time.

II. KNOW THEIR CANON

This week's A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers' third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It's About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits "Burnin' Up" and "Pushin' Me Away" each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.

Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus's Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel's most influential draws. (Nick and Miley's eventual romance was its own drama, but we'll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.

III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES

The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including "Choice Summer Song" for "Burnin' Up" and a three-way tie for "Choice Hottie." Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:

"THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like "NOW I'M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I'M JUST BREATHELESS!" AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can't have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!

IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE

Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for "Burnin' Up":

V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES

Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe's birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.

You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:

VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE

The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother's wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.

· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.

· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.

· Kevin Jonas's favorite food is sushi.

· Nick claims to have written the brothers' hit "S.O.S." in 10 minutes.

· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching "Burnin' Up" on YouTube.

· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on "Burnin' Up."

Again, we're new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.

DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience.
RUSSELL: Right.
DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each.
RUSSELL: OK!

DEFAMER: We'll start out easy before we get a little more obscure. Here's a gimme: Lindsay Lohan.
RUSSELL: Lindsay Lohan is an actress. I believe she was in a Herbie film? She's become notorious for her off-stage and -screen exploits and her tabloid lifestyle. I believe she has been connected to drugs, sauciness, and sexiness in equal measure, though she seems like a nice girl to me.
DEFAMER: She does love the Brits. She had a British boyfriend, and now she's got a British girlfriend.
RUSSELL: Her girlfriend is British?!
DEFAMER: Yeah, Samantha Ronson.
RUSSELL: That's fantastic! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Lindsay Lohan for her promotion of English sex.
DEFAMER: Here's another easy one: Amy Winehouse.
RUSSELL: Amy has been on several of my television shows in the United Kingdom. She's a very talented and beautiful girl and in my house, to this day, I have a Mexican doll that for a while lived in her hair.
DEFAMER: [laughs]
RUSSELL: You know those Mexican worry dolls? Or maybe they're Colombian. You sort of tell it your worries. She took it out of her hair once, gave it to me, and I treasure that little worry doll.
DEFAMER: Who wouldn't? OK, we're going to get a little harder. Zac Efron.
RUSSELL: Zac Efron is from High School Musical. Now whilst I've not seen this, because I don't think I belong to its target demographic, I recognize that it's a significant thing. It's sort of like this generation's Grease.
DEFAMER: Lil' Wayne.
RUSSELL: Lil' Wayne is a hip-hop artist and rapper, dreadlocked, with teardrops tattooed on his face. He is also known as "Weezy," and this is not because he is asthmatic. He seems to me to be a terrific poet.
DEFAMER: Somebody's been studying his Wikipedia!
RUSSELL: Good, wasn't it?
DEFAMER: Yeah, not bad!
RUSSELL: I haven't done any Wikipedia studies. I just happen to have an interest in Lil' Wayne, because I think he ignores a lot of copyright stuff to sort of rap over it. I think he's a pioneer.
DEFAMER: Miley Cyrus.
RUSSELL: Miley Cyrus is the teenager daughter of "Achy Breaky Heart" singer Billy Ray Cyrus. She is confusingly attractive, and to people under the age of eighteen, she is probably the biggest star in the world. She is the Madonna of tweenies.
DEFAMER: Speaking of tweenies: The Jonas Brothers.
RUSSELL: The Jonas Brothers is a band. They're all actual brothers and they all came out of the same womb, where many have said they studiously rehearsed their instruments. How the Jonas Mother was able to keep an amp in her uterus is one of the greatest mysteries, because them boys were born already possessing an incredible talent.
DEFAMER: How about your familiarity with MTV shows? Do you know of The Hills?
RUSSELL: I believe it's about some girls that go around and get off with people and wear nice dresses. They have the general air of louche attractiveness and easy availability.
DEFAMER: Pretty accurate. Let's move on to some of the news stories that Americans are talking about. Right now, we're all wondering what was up with this Christian Bale assault case, and maybe you can explain it to me. Apparently in the UK, you can go to jail for verbal assault? What's up with that?
RUSSELL: In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom. I admire Christian Bale and I think he's one of the greatest living actors on the planet currently, but we cannot shirk when it comes to good manners. If it's true that he also dropped a napkin on his way to the lavatory, then I think that he should possibly receive the death penalty.
DEFAMER: How about the U.S. presidential election? Do you follow it at all?
RUSSELL: I think that the idea of democracy is an illusion and regardless of who becomes president, the status quo will maintain power. It's irrelevant who you select as the totem of power in the country, because the country will be run in the same way — but I would rather have a black president than a white one. I would have ideally liked a hermaphrodite president, if it was up to me entirely, but until a hermaphrodite stands, I'll support Obama.
DEFAMER: Maybe we'll get there someday.
RUSSELL: Well, one can only hope that the rights of hermaphrodites will be recognized! Yeah, a hermaphrodite president — I just haven't found a hermaphrodite whose policies I agree with, even though I do like the idea of having mutual, opposed genitals.
DEFAMER: Lastly, I want to know your thoughts on the most important issue of our time...
RUSSELL: Yes.
DEFAMER: ...Brad and Angelina just had the twins.
RUSSELL: Thank God. The thing is that they're both so stupidly beautiful and good-looking and attractive that their children are born looking gorgeous! It's unsettling. That first one they had, she had sort of a Marilyn Monroe mouth. I don't think they should breed, those two people. I think their adoption policy is probably better because when their genes come together, it creates a storm of attractiveness so potent that it could one day bring down the planet.
DEFAMER: And no one needs all that on a baby.
RUSSELL: No one needs that on a baby! No one needs a baby with eight-inch-long eyelashes.
DEFAMER: All right, Russell. Congratulations on passing your quiz!
RUSSELL: Pretty good, wasn't it? Didn't I do well?

boomp3.com

Popular tween superstar Miley "Milerz" Cyrus could've used a little assistance from her partner in crime Mandy "Manderz" Jiroux as the twosome left a Southern California shopping center. Cyrus politely asked for Jiroux to carry at least one of the bags while walking to the car, adding that Jiroux could borrow the "totally sweet" Ed Hardy tank top she got if she carried one of the bags. Jiroux said, "It's either I give you a ride home or I carry one of your bags to the bus stop and we're quite away from Burbank, pumpkin. And you know that I'm going to borrow that tank top either way." Attempting to figure out the distance between the mall and Burbank, Cyrus soldiered on with all of her bags.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

All will be revealed — the full list, after the jump:

1. (tie) Daniel Radcliffe, Miley Cyrus - $25 million

3. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen - $15 million

4. The Jonas Brothers - $12 million

5. Zac Efron - $5.8 million

6. Ashley Tisdale - $5.5 million

7. Emma Watson - $5.5 million

8. Hillary Duff - $5 million

9. Rupert Grint - $5 million

10. Vanessa Anne Hudgens $3.2 million

Apparently, tween wealth comes in threes: not only do three Harry Potter stars and three actors from High School Musical make the list, but the trio of Jonas Brothers as well. Still, while the salaries are steep, the number one thing we took away from this list was an overlap with this one. We now eagerly await the salacious (yet tasteful!) Us Weekly slideshow devoted to "Celebrity Tween Virgin Mega-Millionaires."

• Daniel Radcliffe enjoys a spell at the top of Forbes' rich list for young actors... and Emma and Rupert join in the fun [Daily Mail]

Hard-nosed investigative analysis after the jump:

First of all, let's eliminate a few. Out of Us Weekly's list of twelve star virgins, at least two are famously deflowered: the indefatigable Britney Spears and the formerly married Jessica Simpson. And though we can't be sure Gary Coleman has finally done the deed, we'd like to believe his wedding (and Al Roker's prodding) may have helped hasten things along.

That leaves us with nine star virgins, and three of those are the Jonas Brothers. Take them out of the equation, and you're left with six separate celebrities, all of whom (it may not surprise you to learn) are young and female. Yes, while we can't imagine that a reporter would ever ask, say, Phil of the Future if he'd given it up yet, apparently the world would fall off its axis if even one famous teen girl neglected to reveal the state of her hymen. Let's hear it for sexual stereotypes and pernicious double standards!

• Star Virgins [Us Magazine]

boomp3.com

At a press conference on Wednesday afternoon, Wizards of Waverly Place star Selena Gomez finally announced her decision to run for America's Teen Queen. In her speech, Gomez outlined numerous domestic policies including plans for cheaper lip-gloss, universal gift cards for Forever 21 and weekly Jonas Brothers concerts. During her speech, Gomez refrained from bashing her competitor, Miley Cyrus, even going as far as saying that Cyrus has taken some pretty cool photos, but cool photos aren't enough to lead America. At the end of her speech Gomez said, "We're going to go to the Teen Choice Awards! We're going to be on the Ryan Seacrest radio show, Tom Harkin! The Today Show! Live With Regis & Kelly! Robertson Blvd! The Morning Show With Mike & Julie! Raging Waters! And then we're going to take it all the way to MTV Music Awards and we're going to win! Burbank High football rules! YEAH!"

Photo Credit: Splash Pic

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Unlike those many photos of Miley kissing recently stolen ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas, Hilary Duff and some rando old man, Cyrus was mysteriously photographed in a series of heavy lip-locks with the not-so-famous fellow crooner Thomas Sturges this month, a little-known singer who is said to be another ex of the apparently quite experienced Miley. We don't know about you, but when we were 15, we were still trying to get the tall blond boy who doodled cartoons during chem lab to at least lock eyes with us just once, let alone come within tongue-twisting distance. But luckily for Miley, all these presumably distressing photo leaks have landed her a potentially lucrative spokesperson job offer for Lifestyles Condoms, who claim her virgin-esque image is ideal as an "influential" face for the brand. Plus, they're offering the uber-mature tween a lifetime supply, "for when the time is right." Which, we have to assume, was approximately one year ago. The silver lining? Miley is "super sorry" about ripping rival Selena Gomez apart on YouTube! Because, like, "Elvis said imitation is the greatest form of flattery!" And, like, Miley is way richer than Elvis and way more important, so quoting him quoting an 18th century writer sounds way smart and stuff!

[Photo credits: Oceanup.com via Celebslam]

• MORE MILEY CYRUS PHOTO LEAKS [CelebSlams]
• MILEY CYRUS SORRY FOR MOCKING SELENA GOMEZ IN YOUTUBE VIDEO [Fox News]
• CONDOM MAKER SEEKS ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH MILEY CYRUS [NYDN]

The NY Daily News is reporting that Gomez, the sultry-ish star of The Wizards Of Waverly Place, has been dating yet another 15-year old, singer Nick Jonas. As many of you may know (however embarrassing it is to admit), Jonas is the rumored intended recipient of most of Cyrus' kissy-face iPhone photos and pouty shower shots that hit the Internets recently. While Jonas is admittedly cute in an adolescent John Mayer sort of way, we don't see why a break-up with the kid should prompt Miley into such bitter antics. Making fun of Gomez and her alarmingly sexy best friend / fellow Disney star Demi Lovato in this clip, Cyrus drops some low-blows about the gap in Lovato's teeth (one that has since been fixed) and the fact that Lovato wears a touch of black make-up (and looks just fine in it). However, the attack seems to be backfiringl, mainly because Miley — who frequently succumbs to giggle attacks and slurring throughout the vid — made her rep as the good girl next door and not as a conniving backstabber (or, for that matter, as an burgeoning anti-Semite with her use of the word "scheisty"). Fasten your seatbelts, it looks like we have another Lohan vs. Duff feud brewing as we type.

• MILEY CYRUS MOCKS SELENA GOMEZ ON YOUTUBE [Us]
• MILEY CYRUS EX NICK JONAS DATING SELENA GOMEZ, THE 'NEXT MILEY CYRUS' [NYDN]

While James' blonde co-star in grainy quasi-sex tape magic does admittedly have one hell of a (fake) rack, we fear this aspirational photo shoot most likely filmed in an effort to turn Blunt into the next Dirk Diggler and Dourdan into the next Buck Swope will flop — mainly due to that extraneous boat-climbing fellow with the overly tight Hawaiian trunks and Blunt's far-from-beautiful paunch.

[Photo credits: X17]

• POSH BLUNT'S TOPLESS BABES [The Sun]

As we noted last month, another astonishingly mature-looking 15-year old at the House of Mouse was rumored to be crowned The Next Miley: Selena Gomez, star of some kind of Clarissa Explains It All reincarnation called Wizards Of Waverly Place. And yet another 15-year old Disney starlet, Demi Lovato, is teaming up with Gomez to steadily out-scandalize Cyrus. Back in May, the competitors were seen wearing matching black bikinis in a very touchy-feely series of self-released leaked photos set in a hot tub. And Lovato, a dead ringer for Shannon Elizabeth circa-American Pie, recently nabbed the lead in Disney's upcoming Welcome To Mollywood, which sounds like a sneaky attempt on the network's part to both steal Defamer's own Molly Duo's collective thunder (not to mention, uh, Mollywood's!), and focus all their efforts on introducing Lovato as, well, the new Miley.

Miley's response to all the impending de-crowning? As Female First reports,

"Miley has revealed talented Disney actresses Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato have no chance of being 'the next Miley' because there is only one. She said: 'People are looking up to what I do. But, I don't think there could be a next Miley. I think they should be the next Selena, Demi. Make their own way.'"

Thanks for clearing that up, Miley! Not only did you just proclaim that all your fans are "looking up to" your homemade pornos, but managed to spark a tween battle reminiscent of Lohan Vs. Duff. This is going to get good...

[Photo credits: Egotastic, Hollywood Grind]

• MILEY MIGHT BE GUNNING FOR RACY FILM ROLE [MSNBC]
• MILEY CYRUS TO STRIP ON SCREEN [Female First]

In the span of two days, Nylon magazine released photos from their August cover star missing various amounts of clothing, while Candies-ad girl Hayden just posed for some provocative (for an 18-year old, at least) pics in order to promote her upcoming pop album. Yes, that sweet sweaty smell of exploitation filling your nostrils? Once again, thank Lindsay Lohan. A closer look at all four naughty girls and their dirty pictures, after the jump:

Though the Nylon spread is admittedly gorgeous, the uncanny resemblance between these topless shots and Lindsay's myriad "artful" topless, backless, panty-less photos is pretty clear. Even Gwyneth caught on to the secret backbone-baring method towards stardom back in her call girl days.

And as for Hayden, who's already learned what a little cheerleader's uniform can do for her growing group of male fans, decides to go one step further and just pull a Miley by showing her tummy off to all interested parties. Counting down the seconds until either a bare back or, more likely, the highly effective full-frontal appears in a glossy. And yes, it's probably a matter of seconds.

[Photo credits: Nylon, Daily Mail]

• OOH LA LA! MISCHA EXPOSED [Nylonmag.com]
• HEROES STAR HAYDEN PANETTIERE VAMPS UP TO LAUNCH HER POP CAREER [Daily Mail]

Over the weekend, an entrepreneurial online hacker going by the telling name of "Trainreq" posted the two photos of Miley playing dress-up with her iPhone and picking up on that whole wet t-shirt trend to the right and, according to alleged time stamps, they were taken in October 2007, meaning Miley had yet to blow out her 15th birthday candle. Adding an exclamation point to this latest Cyrus Photo Scandal is the hacker's claim that he has "worse pictures" than these. So where oh where could such an underage girl get the inspiration for "artfully" done point-and-zoom collections? Oh, right.

From her Where My Cokepants At? shoot with mother of the century Dina, to enlisting C-listers like Vanessa Minnillo to eat her top off for her, Lindsay Lohan has been a fan of grainy amateur photo shoots for years. Even an occasion as non-momentous as Jeremy Piven's birthday serves as an excuse to put on her best nude-hued bikini and imitate a call girl. So for those of you embarrassingly salivating at Miley and her prematurely dirty mind? Make sure to send a thank-you note to Lindsay and her bountiful assets, without which little girls everywhere wouldn't even know how to mangle their pout into "sexy" mode.

[Photo credits: Egotastic, AOL, Nerve]

• MILEY CYRUS (NOT) NAKED IN THE SHOWER, PLUS A WHOLE NEW SEX SCANDAL [Egotastic]
• MILEY CYRUS NUDE PHOTO [Allies Wireless]

boomp3.com

In between shots of her latest music video, Disney golden goose Miley Cyrus held a bubble gum chewing contest. Cyrus wanted to see who could stretch their gum out the furthest, but most competitors quit after the first round after realizing how gross it was. Yet, the Hannah Montana star trucked on and managed to get her gum all way from the beach to the Pacific Ocean with the aid of a few friends.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff: As silly, catty and pointless as the battle for waste of space Aaron Carter was back in 2003, freckle-faced Lindsay Lohan and healthy Hilary Duff spent years exchanging passive-aggressive jabs aimed at each other via bad songs, magazine interviews, and of course, endless false claims that things were Totally Cool! between the two. The feud was memorably spoofed in this 2004 SNL clip in which Lindsay assures the world there's no truth to her feuds with Duff (as portrayed by Rachel Dratch).

Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag: After spending a few shameful years with our eyes glued to the insanely gorgeous cast of MTV's Laguna Beach, the series ended its wildly successful run with a focus on the brewing animosity between good girl LC and bad girl with bigger boobs Kristin Cavallari. Over an irritatingly boring boy, of course. But Lauren Conrad's girl trouble didn't stop there. Along with the rumored cat pee-based tension between Lauren and silicone-enhanced roommate Audrina Patridge on The Hills, the entire point of the show has always circled around her hatred of hip hop star/runaway bride of Frankenstein, Heidi Montag. High-pitched screaming fights both seen on-camera and gossiped about endlessly off-camera, have been reported for what feels like centuries. And yet, and yet...how to look away?

Shannen Doherty v. Entire Beverly Hills: 90210 Cast: Doherty landed the career-changing part of Brenda Walsh in 1990 at the age of 19, and almost as soon as the epic series wrapped its first few episodes, rumors were rampant that her on-screen catty demeanor was not a result of magnificent acting. After just four years, Brenda’s character was shipped off to Paris and replaced by the sexier Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Why? Long story short, Doherty made a series of bizarre decisions off-camera: trashing hotel rooms, adding two quickie marriages followed by two quickie divorces to her personal resume, giving paparazzi the bird, and most memorably, appearing in uncomfortably unsexy nudie spreads in Playboy.

• DISNEY STAR SELENA GOMEZ: I'M NOT FEUDING WITH MILEY [People]

On this particular May evening, the band members wore “purity” rings, reflecting their stated intentions to save themselves sexually for marriage.

Parents, prepare to buy your daughter a silver ring to match her blonde Hannah Montana wig. Because there will be no escaping the brothers.

The brothers — Kevin, 20, Joseph, 18, and Nick, 15 — are to be fully unleashed on the American public starting Tuesday night, when a preview of their new movie, “Camp Rock,” will be made available on Disney Channel on Demand, a limited-availability service offered to some Time Warner Cable, Cablevision and Verizon customers. On Friday the movie will begin its run on the Disney Channel, with an audio simulcast on Radio Disney, followed by broadcasts on ABC on Saturday and the ABC Family channel on Sunday.

While Camp Rock sounds like a perfectly innocent Critical Studies thesis on the life of Freddy Mercury, the Times warns that it is just the beginning of the Jonas Brothers onslaught. With a new video, 46-date North American tour and 3-D theatrical film release on the horizon, we advise you to make the most of your remaining hours of freedom. Go to the beach. Spend time with your significant other. Because once Camp Rock debuts, there's no escaping our new, adorable overlords.

[Photo Credit: Wire Image]

• Summer Advisory: A Jonas Front Looms

Cyrus responded with a bitter recollection that underscores the sorry current state of Hollywood flackism, explaining that he left the set feeling "everything was in control...Her publicist was there." Pressed for his reactions to the photo, Cyrus then offered a series of increasingly inscrutable downhomeisms—beginning with a relatively low-difficulty poop-stomping metaphor, and eventually working his way up to one involving turkey-neck-lengths that our dull urbanite brains never fully managed to grasp.

• The Today Show

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The concerned parents of Miley Cyrus have come up with another effort to keep their daughter for taking her clothes off and posting them on internet by purchasing the Disney star a parrot. With the parrot, Mr and Mrs. Cyrus hope to instill a sense of responsibility into their daughter and, more importantly, a distraction from boys. Miley Cyrus said, "I think my parrot, Julia Roberts, is going to be pretty cool. I'm going to teach it how to speak. Manders will probably teach Julia Roberts some swear words, but it'll great for our show." Mrs. Cyrus is worried that the parrot may be driven mad by Miley's insistent singing, but at this point, they're willing try to anything to keep their daughter clothed.

[Photo Credit: X17]

Most recently, those Playboy-esque shots of Miley allegedly created for Nickelodeon heartthrob Nick Jonas caused quite the sensation, but lo and behold, here we have an actual shot of the two making out. And back in 2006 when she was just 14, she was snapped kissing a very crush-worthy guy named Thomas Sturges, though the press has yet to get any background information on who the lucky guy was. And not to be picky or anything, but Miley kinda already kissed her co-star Cody Linley in her wildly successful Hannah Montana movie. Sure, it was "acting," but if it looks like a kiss, walks like a kiss and salivates like a kiss, it sure as hell counts.

Even more baffling is why the pap agencies are so eager to discover this infamous first Miley Cyrus kiss when photos of her playing tongue twister with a girlfriend have been circling for months. Not to mention this past January's red carpet appearance when Miley lunged in for the kill on little miss Ashley Tisdale. Just a bit of advice to the "tsunami" of paps awaiting that cash money shot: feel free to shoot us an email and we'll haggle a bit over the price, k?

[Photo credits: Dotspotter, Poponut, Wallpaperama,
, Backseatcuddler]

• PAPARAZZI HAVE THEIR LENSES ON MILEY CYRUS [LAT]

We've darkened the offending bits via Black Bar™'s decency-retention proprietary technology, but the uncensored version is after the jump.