Defamer: Michael Jackson

Defamer Interviews Harmony Korine: Bringing Michael Jackson and Skydiving Nuns Together at Last

STV — Fri, 02 May 2008 13:15:00 PDT

It was a rough spring at the movies for compulsive watch-checkers like us, but we took consolation in knowing that a honest-to-God hero would be arriving come early May. What? No, not that wuss Iron Man, but rather Harmony Korine, whose new Mister Lonely marks the filmmaker's first writing-directing effort in nearly 10 years. And what a decade: Adrift in Paris, anchored in Nashville, survivor of two house fires, briefly reteaming with his Kids director Larry Clark on the teenagers-fucking milestone Ken Park, and ultimately conjuring Mister Lonely from a vision of nuns plunging from airplanes and the garish subculture of celebrity impersonators.

It makes all the sense in the world. Really! Just ask him.

"It's a lingering sensation," Korine told Defamer in a recent interview. "I just started thinking of images like nuns riding bicycles out of airplanes — doing tricks in the clouds and stuff. I couldn't figure out where that was coming from. So if I was going to tell a story with nuns jumping out of airplanes, what could it mean? And I thought, 'What if they had no parachutes? What if they just believed enough that they would survive?' It's the same way the impersonators willed themselves to be those people. Maybe both stories speak to the idea of faith and a kind of strange magic in things — wanting to be something other than who you are."

Opening today in New York and May 9 in Los Angeles, Mister Lonely is in part Korine's way of both rationalizing and perpetuating that magic. More immediately, it's the meandering tale of a Michael Jackson impersonator in Paris (Diego Luna) who steals away to a colony of other impersonators sequestered in a Scottish castle. Led by Marilyn Monroe (Samantha Morton) and her misanthropic husband Charlie Chaplin, the remaining characters evoke Korine's '90s antagonisms Gummo and Julien Donkey-Boy without leaning on their bleak dispossession.

"They had to be people who, in real life, I've liked and admired," he said, referring to an ensemble including Abraham Lincoln, the Three Stooges, Madonna, Queen Elizabeth II and Sammy Davis Jr. "Someone whose mythology I could bleed into the narrative of the movie. Or I could take Marilyn's depression or Sammy's sadism or Michael and his ethereal, bizarre nature and incorporate that into the storyline."

But their celebrity was essential, Korine added, hinting at a sort of accidental accessibility he hadn't achieved since scripting Kids in 1995. Most important was his conception of — or even his sympathy for — Michael Jackson himself. "Michael was symbolic of the world's greatest eccentric," he said. "Maybe somewhere in his story is the Greatest American Story Ever Told. It would take someone much smarter than me to tell that story or decipher it. But what I liked about him was what he stood for. He wasn't a man; he wasn't a boy. He wasn't black; he wasn't white. He just existed like a ghost to me. He was all of those things and none of them. I liked that idea."

Then there were the nuns, plummeting in prayer with powder-blue habits billowing behind them. Korine's friend and Julien Donkey-Boy cast alumnus Werner Herzog plays the wasted priest channeling God, urging them toward the miracle of survival. Korine hinted at the connections between narratives, but acknowledged only the sense in senselessness.

"There's not really a point to it," he said. "There hasn't really been to anything I've done. They're more just ideas. If I could express it in words, I don't think I'd film it. I'm trying to figure it out myself." Iron Man, eat your heart out.

The Filipino Prison Peeps Perform 'Thriller'

Seth — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 10:50:57 PDT

The Washington Post's Peeps Show II, possibly the greatest Peep diorama competition in history, has posted photos of this year's 37 semi-finalists, culled from over 800 entries featuring the brightly colored, recoiling Easter treats. There's way too many gems here—from the plumber crack to the Olympic diving competition to Marion Barry's bust—to single out just one, but if you were to hold a marshmellow gun to our heads, none brought us more delight than the one above: A slavish, all-Peep recreation of 2007's biggest viral video sensation, the Filipino prison "Thriller" showstopper. We've included one more below the jump—it's a fierce tranny hot Peep mess.

Peeps Show II [WashPo]

British Press Continues Its Assault Against Celebrity Body Parts, Sinks Its Claws Into 'Bat Face'

Molly Friedman — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 09:50:47 PDT

Having devoured celebrity knees and lips in their quest to mock each and every imperfect body part they spot on the red carpet, the British press is now preying on something they've dubbed Bat Face, singling out Nicole Kidman as the epitome of Botox overload. Though the picture of Nicole they use isn't pretty, the bat is actually kind of adorable (at this point, we are far more scared of seeing Nic enter our room in the middle of the night than this cuddly little rat with wings). In fact, Nicole looks less like this animal than she does another: Michael Jackson. And she's not alone. Rather than naming the immobile facial trend Bat Face, we're thinking the look is more a symptom of MJ Syndrome, which also counts Renee Zellweger and Teri Hatcher among its victims.

Nicole has the same trouble expressing concern as MJ....

Goldie Hawn shares his tendency to maniacally smile at the camera...

Renee's lemon-sucking lips are eerily similar to his...

And Teri just looks as though she must have ordered The Michael Deluxe off the plastic surgery menu.

[Photo Credits: Getty and Wire Image]

BOTOX IS TURNING NICOLE KIDMAN INTO A 'BAT FACE' SAYS COSEMTIC GURU [Daily Mail]

At Neverland Ranch, You Must Be At Least This Short To Ride

Seth — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 09:37:59 PDT

A truly stunning nighttime photo suite of Neverland Ranch, the precursor to such other children-and-one-adult-male-populated ghost towns as Kid Nation's Bonanza City, has surfaced on Flickr. Beneath a starry Santa Barbara sky, such featured attractions as the Sea Dragon, the carousel, and the Huckleberry Finn Boys-Only Dunk Tank And Swedish Sauna Dry-Off Room lie in a state of suspended animation—merely waiting to snap back to life the moment its self-exiled proprietor successfully refinances one of his own children, freeing up the funds to tidy up the Bubble-bones and return the amusement estate to its former glory.

Pictured above, visitors are politely reminded that any head-on collisions with anything resembling a toddler in footsie pajamas hanging off a crescent moon (a recurring Neverland motif, who'll later ripen into the young fisherman in the DreamWorks logo) will simply not be tolerated.

Bonus Abandoned Neverland Link: The estate is a lot less spooky, and a lot more rinky-dink run-down and depressing, in these daytime aerial shots.

Neverland At Night [Flickr]
Tumbledown and abandoned: The ruins of Michael Jackson's Neverland [Daily Mail]

Time for more Jackson Manse financial woe, ...

Seth — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 10:42:05 PST

Time for more Jackson Manse financial woe, only this time it in regards to the L.A. house in Encino that members of his insane family has lived in for years. Records filed with the L.A. County Recorder's Office showed Michael had "$153,910 in missed payments as of January 17 on a $4 million loan serviced by Pasadena-based mortgage lender IndyMac Bancorp." We can only pray Jackson can refinance in time, lest LaToya find herself homeless and turned out by Dr. Mustard, Ventura Blvd.'s most notorious pimp and part-time Wienerschnitzel manager. [AP]

Michael Jackson Keeps Neverland In The Family

Seth — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:07:52 PST

Reports circulated earlier in the week saying Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson's personal Touch Mahal, was in jeopardy: If the debt-ravaged superstar failed to pay the $24,525,906.61 required of him, the estate, including all "fixtures and appliances, furniture, and...merry go round type devices, any rides" on it, would be put up for auction March 19 at Santa Barbara's downtown courthouse. Now comes the happy news that the necessary financing is being drawn up, and that no auction will take place. Also, records show there was a release of lien on February 4, showing Jackson "paid off all or part of delinquent taxes to the state of California." Perhaps, finally, the rusted arms of the Great NeverClock will start up once again, the llama skulls and monkey bones will finally be cleared from the yellowed lawn, and the ghostly halls of Jackson's kiddie Valhalla will fill with the sound of children's laughter, their overjoyed host calling out, "Last one to the bottom of the IKEA ballroom in their underwear is a rotten egg!!!"

Michael Jackson's Neverland Foreclosed; Auction Date Set [foxnews.com]
Michael Jackson seeks to keep Neverland Ranch [cnn.com]

Admittedly, we're not finance wizards, but ...

defamer.com — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 11:40:34 PST

Admittedly, we're not finance wizards, but if Michael Jackson refinanced a $300 million loan to loosen up $25 million in cash to pay a $20 million legal debt, doesn't that still put him at negative $300 million? And that's not even including mouth-reinflation fees! [foxnews.com]

Blanket Accidentally Causes Routine Mouth-Collapse For Father Michael Jackson

Seth — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 17:10:20 PST

Thanks to Michael Jackson's new look, we got an answer to the question, "What would happen if a Jackie O. zombie and the hook-handed fisherman from I Know What You Did Last Summer had a secret love child who enjoyed smearing his face in honey and Corn Chex?" Now comes the answer to an even more confounding query: Why?

Michael Jackson has been forced to undergo emergency surgery after his lip burst and collapsed, according to reports.

A source said: "He was whacked in the face accidentally by his younger son Prince Michael II while playing around and part of Jackson's upper lip collapsed.
"That mishap led an hysterical Jacko to make a beeline for the plastic surgeon for a bit of quickie repair work."

Of the many scarifying memories experienced by young Blanket in his short life—worse even than being dangled from a German hotel balcony, or the time Jackson forced him to spend an entire day at the Magic Kingdom hiding inside a fluffy, cotton candy helmet—nothing will quite approach the moment he played a little too rough with his fragile parent, resulting in the boy standing back in helpless horror as he watched his father's face collapse to a seeping sound not unlike that of a deflating air mattress.

Jackson's lip 'bursts and collapses' [digitalspy.co.uk]

For those whose Michael Jackson nightmares ...

Mark — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 15:20:15 PST

For those whose Michael Jackson nightmares feel a little out of date (really, there's nothing less satisfying than bolting upright in bed after an imagined encounter with last year's bogeyman),
TMZ has a photo that should provide your subconscious with all the material it needs to keep the night-terrors fresh. It seems that Jackson has added some bandages to his now-signature "noseless, alabaster ghoul" look, perhaps an attempt to cover up the shameful, freakishly normal face he recently spied on the cover of Ebony. (We've mercifully pixelated the thumbnail here so as not to disturb those disinclined to follow the link to the photo.) [TMZ]

Michael Jackson To Hold On To His Kid-Friendly Xanadu

Seth — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 11:15:52 PST

Michael Jackson was in a far different place when the gates of Neverland Ranch first swung open in 1988: "Bad" had spent a record-breaking year riding the top of the charts, Captain Eo was still thrilling children who marveled at how their space-voyaging pop hero was practically reaching out to grab them, and the term "Jesus Juice" was decades away from entering the popular lexicon as a catchall term for any number of boy-plying intoxicants. Of course, all that was millions of dollars and surgeries ago, and now the fate of Jackson's prepubescent pleasuredome hangs in the balance. Despite what you're hearing, however, the Ebony cover subject won't allow a foreclosure to deprive him of his abandoned estate, even if that means sinking further into debt:

"Mr. Jackson is in the final stages of refinance and will not lose Neverland Valley Ranch," [Jackson spokeswoman Raymone K.] Bain said.

A notice from a San Francisco title default company suggested that Jackson's ownership of the ranch could be at risk.
Posted on the Web site of KSBY-TV, the notice from Alliance Default Services said that as of Oct. 12 Jackson, owed $23,212,963 on a $23 million loan.

Why Jackson so desperately wants to hold on to the property isn't entirely clear: There are, after all, Limerickland adventure parks and laser-blasting Las Vegas casinobots to erect, and salvaging a relic of his past seems oddly backwards-looking for a man so committed to reinvention. What it probably boils down to is that there are simply too many fond memories lurking along the halls and behind the sliding comic-book library walls of Neverland to say a final goodbye to his personal Touch Mahal.

Jackson's Rep Says Neverland Ranch Safe [AP]

Here's more from the new issue of Ebony featuring ...

Seth — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 13:39:44 PST

Here's more from the new issue of Ebony featuring ~~Teri Hatcher~~ Michael Jackson on its cover: On his perceived freakishness: "In my opinion, it's ignorance. It's usually not based on fact. ... Every neighborhood has the guy who you don't see, so you gossip about him. You see those stories about him, there's the myth that he did this or he did that. People are crazy!" On what that oxygen chamber casket might be all about: "Let's face it, who wants mortality? You want what you create to live, and I give my all in my work because I want it to live." [AP]

Michael Jackson: 25 Shades Lighter Than 'Thriller'

Seth — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 16:46:06 PST

A tip of the creepy top hat to photographer Matthew Rolston and his Ebony magazine covershoot team, who managed to give the ghoulishly pale Michael Jackson we know and fear the rich, healthy glow of a French aristocrat's wife rejuvenated from a weekend shopping excursion to St. Tropez. It's a transformation that rivals Sunset Tan's Ollie Girls' best post mortem spray-tanning work.

EbonyJet.com

Versatile Mask Lets You Go As Michael Jackson One Year, Teri Hatcher The Next

Seth — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 16:32:49 PDT

Thanks to Defamer commenter el smrtmnky for pointing out that the Michael Jackson Halloween mask we linked to this morning bears an uncanny resemblance to Teri Hatcher. It's a fortunate bit of happenstance for the manufacturer, who can now double their profits by re-releasing the item as part of their Stars of Desperate Housewives Do Their Own Makeup collection, which could also include the slightly pricier Nicollette Sheridan/Gollum model.

frightcatalog.com

Michael Jackson Halloween Mask Contains 70 Percent Fewer Synthetics Than Michael Jackson

Seth — Thu, 18 Oct 2007 11:01:31 PDT

Considering your Leatherface costume ceased to be scary about eleven Halloweens ago, isn't it time to upgrade to something a little more terrifying? This Michael Jackson mask, unearthed by our friends at Boing Boing, should do the trick, inducing convincing screams from the neighborhood kids as the Kid Nation Koresh grabs his crotch in the doorway and shrieks, "HEEE-hee!," then proceeds to use the same palm to dole out handfuls of bulk Reese's Pieces. A word to the wise, however: inviting just the boy trick-or-treaters inside for an apple-bobbing contest, while true to character, might end up getting you arrested.

Wacko Jacko Ultimate Halloween Mask [thegreenhero.com via BoingBoing]

Michael Jackson Sued For Failing To Rock With Bahraini Prince All Night

Seth — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 14:03:38 PDT

As Michael Jackson seeks the perfect patch of Virginia real estate upon which to mount his dream theme-park residence, Colonial Neverlandsburg, his recent past has already come back to haunt him: The Bahraini Prince who sponsored Jackson during his gender-confused time living in the Middle East is now suing Jackson. From Fox411:

Prince Abdullah graciously took Jackson and his family in after the 2005 child-molestation trial. He housed him, fed him, chauffeured him and even imported Jacko's friends to Bahrain for a special Christmas in 2005.

All the prince wanted in return was to make a CD and start a record company with Michael. Jackson agreed, as usual signed agreements he had no intention of keeping and then did no work. [...]
Now the prince is demanding in his lawsuit that Michael go to work for him as agreed. Abdullah expects Jackson to make his record and put it out so the prince can begin to recoup the millions he invested in Michael during their friendship.

It will be interesting to see if Jackson is forced by a Judge to reenter the studio with his Arab sponsor. Perhaps the court-ordered musical pairing will inspire a third career act, nudging the former pop superstar back onto the charts after he finally fulfills his end of the "I pamper you with fan-waving teenage servants, you help me cut that 'Abdullah Comes Alive' album I've always dreamed about"-bargain.

Michael Jackson Sued by Bahraini Prince [FoxNews.com]

'Thriller': The Filipino Prison Version

Mark — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 13:25:44 PDT

As is our wont on a lazy summer Friday, when we suspect that most of you have abandoned us for the freedom of a two-and-a-half-day weekend, we'll pass along something for no better reason than it brings a small amount of joy into our dark, dark little lives. How does roughly 1,500 inmates at a Filipino prison performing a perfectly choreographed Thriller routine strike you? It strikes us as pretty f'ing amazing.

"Thriller" [YouTube, via Gawker]

Inside Michael Jackson's Secret Boys' Society

Seth — Mon, 21 May 2007 17:48:34 PDT

Radar recalled that in their Summer 2005 issue, they had run photos of some of the items in the repo'd warehouse of Jackson Family memorabilia set to soon hit the auction block, including the sketch of a boy signed by Michael Jackson described in recent reports. As it turns out, it was a profile etching depicting the child from neck up, not overtly disturbing save for the sideways cone-shape of his cranium. Far more intriguing was the 14-point charter of Jackson's now-infamous prepubescent boys' club, the Rubberheads.

It promotes a healthy diet of vegetarian nutrition, Three Stooges movies, and Peter Pan mythology, with a special stipulation (see: Rule #11) that all members take flying lessons at the Peter Pan School of Flying—an uncredited flight academy which relies heavily upon the "hold by legs outside high-floor window until student swears never to divulge any transgressions to Rule #13 that may have occurred in the Mowgli suite the night before" training technique.

Jacko Junk Revealed! [RadarOnline.com]
Previously: Michael Jackson Trial Of The Century: Accuser's Brother Speaks [Defamer]

Memorabilia Auction A Go After Michael Jackson Assured Dibs On His Cherished Little League Jockstrap Collection

Seth — Fri, 18 May 2007 17:22:54 PDT

A massive auction in Las Vegas of Michael Jackson and Jackson 5 memorabilia is now cleared for takeoff, as the deposed pop monarch has quietly dropped his suit and settled with the collection's rightful owners.:

"The matter's been resolved," Gregory Cross, a lawyer for Jackson, told Clark County District Court Judge Elizabeth Gonzalez. [...]
Included in the auction catalog are Michael Jackson's platinum award for the single "Rock With You," his black silk jacket with gold sequined epaulets and a 1987 contract for the purchase of the Santa Barbara County, Calif., ranch Jackson renamed "Neverland." [...]

Also included are a sketch of a young boy signed by Michael Jackson and dated 1994, stage costumes, microphones, drums, keyboards, and a "lutelike stringed instrument" that the catalog says has African origins.

Jackson's camp is remaining tight-lipped about the settlement details, but if yesterday's story in Page Six is to be believed, buried among the auction's various treasures and oddities were "portraits of naked kids and sex toys." And while an innocent hand drawing of a boy might not have been much of a bargaining chip, we imagine Jackson's counsel began to whistle a different tune when attorneys for the defense slapped down Lot #623: a painstakingly hand-colored edition of Down By The Ol' Naked Waterin' Hole: A Paint-By-Numbers NAMBLA Adventure Starring Bobby Daniels and the Frisky Boys.

Michael Jackson drops court bid to block Las Vegas auction [Las Vegas Sun]

A Storybook Romance Reborn

Mark — Thu, 17 May 2007 19:53:02 PDT

· We want to believe in the existence of crazy, neverending, shoot-your-wife-in-the-face love as much as the next guy, but we dunno...something about these two isn't quite right.
· That little kid is never going to learn not to wander too close to the street dancers, is he?
· The auctioning of Michael Jackson's "sex toys" sounds a little gross, until you realize they're just talking about the GI Joes and Pokemons that help get kids in the mood.
·Behold the majesty of the lambda.
·Hey, zebracorns!

Sprawling Santa Barbara Estate Features Zoo, Ferris Wheel, Great For Kids!

Seth — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 11:48:11 PDT

As Neverland Ranch sits abandoned and in disrepair, the ghostly sounds of splashing and boys' laughter from a spirited round of Johnny Quest Underwater Hottub Adventure still echoing through its halls, its former, debt-afflicted occupant is reportedly becoming increasingly desperate in his search for a buyer. From Page Six:

The self-titled King of Pop quietly put the sprawling, 2,700-acre Santa Barbara estate on the market several years ago to help pay off $200 million in debt - but there were no takers for the tacky ranch until now. According to insiders, distressed debt guru Bill Huff is in serious negotiations to buy the property which includes a zoo, a movie theater and an amusement park.

While Jackson wanted $50 million originally, Huff will likely pay something closer to $20 million. Our source said Huff "wants to tear Neverland down and develop the land." [...] Raymone Bain, Jackson's rep, denied Neverland is for sale: "This is not true.

The potential buyer is obviously not a true fan, as any disciple of the deposed Dictator of Pop would have instantly deemed the estate a historical landmark. If there was no room in the development budget to return Neverland to its former glory days of llama rides and cinnamon-and-Rohypnol-dusted churros stands, the least he could do is preserve the property in its current state. Future generations of German Michael Jackson fans could then make the pilgrimage to this pederastic Graceland, snapping photos of the picked-over remains of his exotic animal petting zoo before jetting off to Vegas to pay final respects to their musical hero, visiting his mummified remains in a dramatically lit Lucite cube located in the skull-room of a giant desert robot.

NEVERLAND SELLING CHEAP? [NY Post]

Michael Jackson Swears To Stop Any Memorabilia Auction That Doesn't Directly Bankroll His Next Insane Theme Park Project

Seth — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 12:45:31 PDT

Michael Jackson, currently touched down in Vegas and developing his plans for a 50-foot-tall, laser-shooting robot equipped with luxury, crotch-level suites for high rollers, has found himself distracted with the possibility of yet more legal entanglements, as he mulls taking action against the owners of a warehouse full of repossessed Jackson family memorabilia who plan on putting up the contents for auction:

More than 1,100 Jackson family items are set for auction in Las Vegas next month, but a representative for Michael Jackson says the pop star is considering legal action to stop the sale. [...]
Guernsey's auction house said items include Michael Jackson's gold record for his Thriller album, handwritten lyrics for The Jackson Five hit ABC and a "Victory Tour" program signed by Jackson family members. [...]

The former owner, Henry Vaccaro, claimed a warehouse full of Jackson memorabilia after a failed business venture wound up in bankruptcy court. Michael Jackson and his sister Janet Jackson sued to stop Vaccaro from taking ownership, but a Los Angeles judge threw out Michael Jackson's claim in 2006.

The auction comes at precisely the moment Jackson could use an extra couple hundred million to bankroll his monolithic desert cyborg's titanium siding, but, sadly, should it proceed, the deposed pop monarch won't see a penny of the proceeds—not even the lot featuring a mummified Bubbles in custom-tailored tuxedo, which, expert appraisers predict, could bring in somewhere in the low seven figures, to say nothing of his "Congratulations On Your 75th Nosejob" Certificate, a rare and valuable memento signed and certified by the Plastic Surgeons' Board of America.

Michael Jackson: Don't sell my stuff! [USAToday.com]

Short Ends: Huckabees: As Filthy As They Wanna Be

Mark — Fri, 30 Mar 2007 19:13:49 PDT

· A single Huckabees parody video per day is never enough, so here's another one.
· Out of all the late-series, Cousin Oliver-type characters from the 80's sitcoms, we always thought Chrissy from Growing Pains was going to turn out to be the bad seed. Guess we were wrong.
· Michael Jackson shocker! Erstwhile King of Pop a possible attention-whoring malingerer!
· Jenna Jameson suffering from that not-so-fresh, just-had-my-labia-blasted-off-with-lasers feeling.
· Hey, totally adorable, hand-holding otters!

Short Ends: Seven Minutes In The YouTubes With Tony

Mark — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 18:38:36 PDT

· The entire Sopranos story, in just seven minutes! Who's got that kind of time? With some judicious cutting, we bet someone could get it down to a more YouTube-friendly 90 seconds.
· Diddy is brazenly stealing all his freak-you-wild material from Smoove B: "As soon as we landed, we went straight to the Eiffel Tower, drank champagne at the top and just kissed and kissed. Then we went up to my suite and had tantric sex for at least 30 hours, ordering up whipped cream and strawberries while we were at it. As meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time."
· Realizing that he hadn't been involved in a petty war of words in nearly 12 hours and desperate for the rush only pointless public confrontation can provide, feud-junkie Donald Trump picks a fight with a golfing magazine.
· No blood for mohel.
· After reading this story, our first thought was: Michael Jackson can't even afford health insurance anymore. How's he going to pay for the upkeep on the 50-foot robot?

50-Foot Jackson To Terrorize Las Vegas

Mark — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 11:26:55 PDT

Having been forced to abandon his grand plans for LeprechaunWorld and Wet N' Wild: Bahrain because of a tragic lack of imagination on the part of his host nations, Michael Jackson is seeking to set up shop in the only place where no vision is deemed too ambitious to be realized: Las Vegas. Jackson is reportedly mulling both a Vegas show and the only kind of monument that can adequately celebrate his current levels of crazy: a 50-foot robot. With lasers! Reports Rush & Molloy:

"It would be in the desert sands," said Mike Luckman of Luckman Van Pier, consultants to large entertainment companies. "Laser beams would shoot out of it so it would be the first thing people flying would see. Neon is wonderful, but it's old school." Luckman's partner, Andre Van Pier, who designed the futuristic spacesuits worn recently by Bono and U2 at a benefit concert in New Orleans, designed the robot. He has also sketched out a stage set of a giant audience-interactive video game with human cyborgs controlled by the audience. Said Luckman: "Michael's looked at the sketches and likes them."

Unfortunately, the technology necessary to safely allow an animatronic Jackson to bestride the Strip like a batshit, deformed Colossus is still in its beta stage of development. If the onetime pop star's impatient wishes to deploy the robot before it can be fully tested are obeyed, tragedy is inevitable, with the 50-foot automaton employing its deadly lasers to blast marauding Southwest shuttles from the sky, then use the ensuing confusion to jog down to Circus Circus, where it will tear open its purple dome with its powerful claws, scoop up the tantalizing children gathered at the exposed theme park within, and escape into the desert, never to be seen again.

Jacko looks for a jackpot in Vegas with 50-ft. robot [Rush & Molloy]

Acromegalic Jackson Rampages Through Tokyo

Mark — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 08:07:27 PST

Over in Tokyo, one of the last places in the civilized world where leading juvenile cancer patient collector Michael Jackson can make occasional public appearances without having a firehose turned on him by child protection groups, the erstwhile King of Pop followed up a $3500-per-pump handshake party with a more affordable, $130 event for his less affluent devotees. Unfortunately, Jackson, worn down from a new round of experimental cosmetic procedures that have inflicted him with gigantism and rendered him even more distressingly waxen and ghoulish than usual, quickly tired of the high-pitched adulation offered up by the mesmerized throng and decided to cut short the appearance. Greedily snatching up the three local youngsters he'd been promised as tribute, he stormed off towards a Neverland-themed suite reserved for him at a nearby love hotel, a retreat that was hardly impeded by the brave young man who tried to restrain him until he fulfilled his entire personal appearance obligation.

[Photo: AP]

Jackson Attends Party for His Fans [AP]

Will Michael Jackson Challenge Ryan Seacrest's Claim To 'Idol's' Handsiest Boy-Wrangler?

Seth — Tue, 13 Feb 2007 12:54:14 PST

Last year brought us the death-masks formerly known as Kenny Rogers and Barry Manilow, but this year, rumors have been swirling about a ratcheting up of has-been guest star power on American Idol. According to Reality TV Magazine, the freakiest face of all just may be dropping by Idol's CBS Television City studios: Michael Jackson has reportedly been having clandestine meetings with the show's producers, and in a recent promotional conference call with the media, Idol EP Nigel Lythgoe, dropped this unsubtle hint into the proceedings:

When answering a question about the tight reign that American Idol keeps on the finalists, Lythgoe said "We don't want anything slipping out. If we've got major stars coming on that we want to do a big publicity thing with. 'Hey, Michael Jackson is coming to American Idol this week,' then I've got to leave that up to Fox publicity to put out there, not have it slip out with somebody telling their Mom that Michael Jackson is coming."

The brain collapses upon itself processing the combination of the world's most popular talent search hosting the world's most famous deposed pop monarch for an evening of talent-deficient renderings of his classic song catalog. Hopefully, Jackson's critiquing skills will exceed those of Celebrity Duet's Tourette's-afflicted Little Richard. Regardless, the evening is already a triumph, if for nothing more than merely bringing together two of our favorite celebrity sideshow attractions, who once delighted us with their eerily interchangeable facial features.

Will Michael Jackson Be Part Of An American Idol Theme Week? [RealityTVMagazine]

Pharmacy To The Stars No Longer Accepting 'But I'm The King Of Pop!' As A Viable Form Of Payment

Seth — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 17:11:53 PST

Michael Jackson has racked up a considerable bill at Beverly Hills' famous Mickey Fine pharmacy over the years—over $100,000, and that doesn't even include high-end embalming fluid costs. Tired of having Jackson respond to their repeated requests to pay his tab with a faint, high-pitched, "Oh, I'm sorry. My checkbook's in the car. Ill be right back!" moments before the ticka-ticka sound of high heels carried him out the door and away in a speeding limo, the pharmacy is now suing Jackson for monies owed:

The store, which often delivers its wares via motorcycle, alleges they had an oral agreement with Jackson to pay for any prescriptions they filled. The pharmacy claims Jackson made his last payment to them in mid-2005. According to the documents, the pharmacy made "repeated requests for payment." [...]
They are asking for the $101,926.66 they are owed, plus court costs and other relief.

Sadly for Jackson, the days when he could rely on his own celebrity to avoid paying for his medications are long over, and he may soon find himself in the regrettable position of having to sell off his ownership of "A Little Help From My Friends" in order to cover all those years refilling tubes of Albinocycline skin-bleaching topical ointment and bottles of Flintstones PM Chewable Children's Sleep-Aid.

Jacko Sued for Not Paying for His Meds [TMZ]

Short Ends: Lohan Still Defiantly Anti-Panty

Mark — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 18:28:59 PST

· Because we know you'd never speak to us again if we let a paparazzi photo of Lindsay Lohan's not-so-elusive naughty bits go by without a link, here you go (NSFW). We hope you feel just as dirty as we do.
Soggy illusionist/modelizer David Blaine plans on staging his next feat of incredible endurance with the help of Michael Jackson, with Blaine locking himself inside a 10-foot-by-10-foot Lucite box with Jackson, five Make-a-Wish kids, and a case of cheap wine for a week. Blaine is not expected to survive the stunt.
OJ Simpson's lawyer cordially invites the Goldmans to try and get their share of his client's Big Book Of How I Would Have Stabbed My Ex-Wife And Her Lover To Death money, but denies that the Juice has a secret place where's he's going to hide his cut.
Being a nerd desperate for one of the first PS3 systems is more dangerous than you'd think.
UCLA students: "Don't taser us!" Sure, now they say it.

Faces Of Career Death: Michael Jackson's Failed Comeback

Seth — Wed, 15 Nov 2006 18:05:57 PST

While browsing for a picture to accompany a post about Michael Jackson's recent comeback attempt at the World Music Awards (he had stagefright, his voice cracked during the chorus of "We Are The World," and other snoozeworthy events) we stumbled upon this photograph of the singer entering the arena, promptly causing our inner child to thoroughly soil its Captain Eo Underoos. Of course, our first instinct, after having ensured that the image had not literally reached down into our throats and stolen the wind out of our lungs, was to blow it up and share it with all of you. Sleep tight, little ones, trying your best not to think of the alabaster-skinned, nubbin-nosed bogeyman, who may or may not close in to seal your doom as you slumber.

Bonus link: Read about how Jackson almost was cast in a Mary Poppins sequel!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Michael Jackson thrills no one in 'comeback' [CNN/Reuters]

From Russia With The Kind Of Love That Doesn't Involve Inappropriate Touching

heatherfug — Tue, 17 Oct 2006 11:19:36 PDT

We should have known Russia was behind the times when we unearthed a largely cyrillic Olsen Twins Jailbait Countdown page whose clock still showed 12 years to go. But, today, there's further proof that the rubble from the fall of Communism choked off Mother Russia's pop-culture outlets: Photos posted by JJB reveal that the country's Bouton Fashion House recently debuted a collection inspired by and dedicated to Michael Jackson — but not the baby-dangling, scarf-swaddled bandit of our nation's innocence we know today; no, their ideal of the King of Pop is firmly rooted back (waaay back) when he was merely "Bad" but not yet baptising children with the velvet caress of some Jesus Juice.

For your nostalgic enjoyment: There's a black military-themed jumpsuit, aviator shades, and golden nut sling ensemble (pictured here for those of you who adore the cozy cocoon of a banana hammock); other gems include a tight striped tuxedo with a ruffled shirt and fedora; a "King Of Pop belt" for all occasions paired with a snap-crotch bodysuit guaranteed to cause a maximum of chafing and bathroom inconvenience; and of course, a red officer's jacket worn with nothing but tights.

We find this all the more charmingly fashion-backward given that Jackson himself has long since adopted the bold sartorial approach of repurposing burqas and dowdy frocks for his new career as a faded pop star and full-time recluse. Indeed, the last thing we need is Jackson himself investigating the breezy comfort of a short coat over tights. But maybe this throwback show will do one great thing for society: By reminding one Ms. Britney Spears of the concept of "glory days," she may stop barreling toward Door No. 2 and consider a revival of her own long-dead image of hygenic, half-naked fun.

[Photo: FashionTime.ru]

RUSSIAN DESIGNER DEDICATES COLLECTION TO MICHAEL JACKSON [JJB]

Billy Bush Seduced By Michael Jackson's 'B' Game

Mark — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 17:16:48 PDT

On his blog, Access Hollywood's Billy Bush is proudly touting his "get" of the "the first interview with Michael Jackson since he left the United States in June 2005." But as we're sure you already suspect, Jackson wasn't really interested in chatting about his more sensational, recent pursuits involving leprechauns or recreational cross-dressing. Instead, Bush would have to be satisfied with discussing his current musical pursuits, hoping to squeeze in some juicier questions while pretending that samples of "Bad" injected into the thousandth remix of "My Humps" was just the thing to resurrect Jackson's long-dead career:

It is not a bare all, rehashing of that period of his life. I was prepared to ask him all the questions in the world regarding mistakes made and lessons learned, but trust me, he was not. He asked if 5 minutes of rolling tape was ok in the studio while he "collaborated" with Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas. Ultimately, We rolled for about 40 minutes and I did ask him questions about music and his thoughts for making a comeback.
Michael Jackson was nervous and antsy. He was truly torn. He wanted to stay and keep jamming and have some fun, but he also wanted to leave before, from his perspective, he got crucified by another TV interview.

Michael's publicist and advisor, Raymone Bain, informed us (me and my Executive Producer, Rob Silverstein - pictured above with Michael and Will.I.Am) that Michael would like to meet us alone, no cameras, in his cottage first. We agreed of course and before long we were seated at a breakfast table in a very cozy, humble stone cottage. Down the spiral staircase he came. First his boots, then his pants...black with a gold stripe down the side, then a velvet jacket with a white t-shirt underneath, then he turned to face us. I admit, my pulse was running high. He is a mythical character as atypical and untouchable as can be.

And it was there in that lonely cottage that young Billy Bush, having already had his defenses dangerously lowered by seeing the Erstwhile King of Pop practicing the craft that once made him one of the richest and most beloved people in the world, was molested. But Bush was surprised to find that Jackson's greedy caresses were not those of the Cub-scout-gobbling monster depicted in the media, but rather just the sexually confident actions of a man who simply knows what he wants and isn't afraid to take it, even from the boyish-enough host of a celebrity news show.

Billy's Blog: Michael Jackson Exclusive (October 15, 2006) [Access Hollywood]

Michael Jackson Hits The Streets Of St. Tropez In Mom Jeans And Pumps

Seth — Wed, 11 Oct 2006 19:03:47 PDT

It's a relief to everyone involved that Debbie Rowe, the mother of the two of Michael Jackson's children not named after bed linens, has finally settled the protracted legal dispute that threatened to remove the youngsters from his custody. Who knows how many heartwarming moments may have never come to pass, such as these recent photos of father and daughter vacationing in the South of France, and dressed in matching floppy hats and sweater sets? No high heels or handbags for little Paris however—until the young lady is a little bit older, those accessories are just for daddies.

Jackson in drag as he dresses himself like his daughter [DailyMail.co.uk]

Michael Jackson And Ex-Incubator Put Legal Disputes Behind Them

Seth — Fri, 29 Sep 2006 18:40:17 PDT

Michael Jackson's ex-wife, Debbie Rowe, has long held a giant chip on her shoulder against the singer, perhaps stemming from the time he snatched his placenta-covered daughter from between her legs and spider-scuttled along the hospital walls and out the window with the newborn. Rowe has been trying to reclaim legal custody of little Paris and her brother Prince in the years since she relinquished all visitation rights to Jackson in 2001, and Jackson in return filed suit against Rowe in 1994, claiming she "violated a confidentiality agreement." (Read: Blabbed about the seven-story, Donkey Kong-themed bunkbed room at Neverland Ranch.) Today, the two ex-lovebirds finally put their quarrels behind them:

Attorney Marta Almli, who represents Rowe, did not disclose the terms of the agreement, which she said must be signed by a judge in the coming weeks. The judge's approval was expected to be a formality. [...]
"There is a settlement of all of the disputes between the parties," Almli said. "It's a done deal."

"He wasn't in L.A. when we resolved it but that didn't prevent us from talking about it with him and having him sign it," Abrams said.

Jackson's remote consent was most probably delivered by Blackberry from a picturesque Irish glen, as most of his free time lately is taken up scouting the future site of his new amusement park. And while the details of the agreement haven't been made public, we hope it's slightly more generous than Jackson's initial proposal of allowing Rowe to glimpse her kids once per year, and even then only as he dangles them from the top spire of one of his park's most ambitious attractions, Patrick The Hairless Leprechaun's Haunted Castle.

Michael Jackson, ex-wife end child custody dispute [Reuters]

Impish Local Tells Michael Jackson That 'Leprechaun' Is Gaelic For 'Horny Ten-Year-Old Boy'

Mark — Thu, 21 Sep 2006 09:37:33 PDT

Even with Neverland Ranch now a shuttered wasteland in tragic disrepair, patrolled by starving llamas hoping to find sustenance by desperately gnawing on the Elephant Man's abandoned bones, Michael Jackson still hasn't given up on his dreams of manifesting the arrested fantasies of an abbreviated childhood in theme park form. After a brief dalliance with the deliciously slippery possibilities Bahraini waterslides, the erstwhile King of Pop may have decided to mine the mythology of his current country of residence, Ireland, for his next theme park project:

"Michael is deadly serious about this idea," a source told Ireland's Daily Mirror. "He loves the whole idea of leprechauns and the magic and myths of Ireland. It would cost around 500 million Euros [about $635 million] to do. He's always wanted to open his own theme park and he thinks Ireland is the perfect place and it will all be built around the leprechaun theme."

Given widespread reports of the singer's financial problems, the enormous start-up capital required for the park might seem daunting. But Jackson has never been one to let such practical roadblocks stand in the way of his dreams, especially when they involve giddy children in green top hats bobbing for gilded coins in the Pot O' Gold-themed hot tub in which he's soaking.

Begorrah! Leprechaun theme park for Jackson? [The Scoop]
Previously: Michael Jackson Crazy Circus Relocating To Europe [Defamer]

Michael Jackson Claims Lawyers Of Unspecified Ethnicity Out To Get Him

Seth — Mon, 07 Aug 2006 18:59:32 PDT

As Michael Jackson continues to traverse the European countryside in his ongoing quest to find a chateau that can accomodate the amenities his growing family requires—Coca Cola-filled moats, child-safe play dungeons, what have you—his spokesperson in the U.S. has released a statement claiming the singer has discovered that a consort of his former attorneys conspired to put their client in the poor house:

The plot was discovered after someone leaked documents to Jackson showing that unnamed former lawyers for the 47-year-old singer tried to recruit others into a petition that would drag him unwillingly into bankruptcy court, his spokeswoman and manager Raymone Bain said.
"In what could be one of the biggest conspiracies in entertainment history, documents have been sent to Michael Jackson and his representatives which reveal a deliberate plan by some former attorneys as well as associates and advisers to force Mr. Jackson into involuntary bankruptcy," Bain said.

We imagine Ms. Bain rose to her current, influential position as Jackson's chief spokesperson and confidante as a direct result of being the only candidate who was capable of delivering a steady stream of her employer's insane missives without breaking up into hysterical fits of breath-inhibitive laughter. Still, it's difficult to say this early on whether Jackson is a legitimate fraud victim, or if he is just letting his paranoid, self-actuating fantasies get the better of him. Seeing as the statement comes from a man who was once recorded saying about his lawyers, "They suck. They're like leeches. I'm so tired of it. It is a conspiracy. The Jews do it on purpose," we can't help but wonder if the convenient timing may be a result of Jackson having caught wind of something that reignited his determination to unmask the greedy, horned Hebrews as the devils he always knew they were.

Michael Jackson says conspirators out to ruin him [Reuters]

$900K Legal Decision Against Jackson; Rare Pair Of Macaulay Culkin Underoos To Mysteriously Appear On EBay

Seth — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 18:28:11 PDT

A jury has come to a verdict today in the case of the Gay-Porn-Producing Ex-Business Associate vs. Michael Jackson: The man Jackson once allegedly entrusted to capture frightened Brazilian children with an oversized butterfly net has been awarded $900,000:

In a split decision Friday, a civil court jury awarded a former Michael Jackson adviser $900,000 — far less than he claimed in the money dispute — and awarded the pop star $200,000 in his cross-complaint.
F. Marc Schaffel originally sued for $3.8 million, but his claims were later reduced to $1.6 million, and his attorney ultimately asked the jury for $1.4 million in unpaid loans and expenses before deliberations began Thursday.

While there was a time when $900,000 would have been but a drop in the bucket, Jackson's dire financial picture is much different now. With Neverland Ranch shuttered and his Beatles song collection up for collateral, Jackson might be forced to part with some of prized possessions, even though breaking up his pristine set of custom-made daddles was something he swore he'd never do.

Jackson jury reaches split decision [Yahoo/AP]

Gay Porn And Brazilian Boy Market Among Non-Shockers In Michael Jackson Lawsuit

Seth — Mon, 10 Jul 2006 14:37:03 PDT

Any legal fracas involving Michael Jackson would be incomplete if it didn't quickly veer off into way-creepy territory, and the lawsuit brought against the entertainer by former business partner Marc Schaffel is no exception. Schaffel, a one-time gay porn producer, is suing Jackson for $3.8 million; during his testimony Friday, he blurted out something about Jackson putting in an order for some Brazilian orphans. Jackson's defense quickly denied the allegations, thought Fox 411's Roger Friedman claims there's a recording of the request:

A taped phone message not yet played in court is said to reveal Jackson telling an associate: "Get me two boys, no, get me a girl and a boy." Says one source, "It sounds like someone asking you to run down to the store and get ice cream."

Jackson's own attempt at discrediting his ex-partner came in a videotaped deposition in which Jackson relates his "shock" at watching a video in which Schaffel is schooling two naked actors in the finer points of mutual handjobbery. Upon further questioning from the too-inquisitive interrogator, we find out this shock was due to Jackson's supposed complete ignorance to Schaffel's past, and not because he found the actors' overly developed bodies and adult-sized genitalia "shockingly" objectionable to his personal tastes.

Michael Jackson Tried to Adopt Brazilian Babies [Fox411]
Michael Jackson's former associate claims he was sent to adopt boys in Brazil [CourtTV.com/AP]
Jacko to Schaffel — You're A Gay Porn WHAT?!? [TMZ]

Michael Jackson Crazy Circus Relocating To Europe

Seth — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 14:49:21 PDT

In a surprise, sweeping move that will cause many thousands of Bahrani mothers to exhale loudly in relief, Michael Jackson has decided to leave his adopted home in the Persian Gulf and move to Europe. Meanwhile, a whole new set of hired "people" will try to figure out how best to retain what's left of Jackson's fortune, much of which the singer has squandered on sarcophagus shopping sprees and spray-on-chocolate kiddie-tan booths:

The announcement from Raymone K. Bain said that she has been named general manager of the new Michael Jackson Company which will replace Jackson's MJJ Productions.
The revamping, which Bain's release called "the first of a sweeping restructuring of his personal and business affairs," is an apparent attempt by Jackson to salvage his financial affairs. [...]

Jackson is currently in Ireland "on personal business" and is making plans to relocate to Europe, the press release said.

The statement makes no specific mention of what Jackson's "personal business" in Ireland might be, but we have a feeling the superstar will do his best to take in some of the local sights and entertainment while he's there. And while we have our own thoughts on why Jackson has chosen Europe as his next home (two words: German fanbase), his new Continental residency will have the added benefit of allowing any future out-of-court settlements for acts of impropriety to be paid out under one convenient, universal currency.

Michael Jackson moving to Europe [USA Today/AP]

Short Ends: Paula Abdul And Michael Jackson May Have Had Some Work Done

Mark — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 19:24:48 PDT

· TVGasm has some good, clean, profoundly disturbing fun mixing and matching various facial features from Paula Abdul and Michael Jackson. Happy nightmares!
· Hey, killer chimps!
· Tom Hanks writes a love note to his retiring longtime make-up artist in the NY Times so genuinely moving and sincere that we hardly understand why we're linking to it. We're getting soft.
· Get ready for the rimshot: Hmm, that's funny, we'd always pegged Ryan Seacrest as a meat-eater. But not a bad trade-up in hetero photo-op partners from Teri Hatcher to two skinny vegetarians.
· George Clooney exercises great care in selecting the companies to whom he's willing to whore himself out.

'Michael Jackson Is Dead' Rumors Only Apply To Career

Seth — Fri, 14 Apr 2006 11:20:40 PDT

Newly solvent, noseless superstar Michael Jackson was roused in the middle of the night after colleagues in New York got wind of a rumor that the singer had died in his sleep:

In the middle of the night, two nights ago, Michael Jackson's valet got a call from his boss' financial partners in New York. They'd heard rumors, started on Web sites, that Jackson had died overnight in Bahrain. [...]
The new rumor was so upsetting that I am told a Sony Music financial officer spoke to the valet — probably a security guard who travels with Jackson named Kerry — and asked him if it was true. The guard then went into Jackson's room and woke him up — it was the middle of the night in Bahrain — to make sure he was still alive.

The singer was disoriented at first, but once the valet explained what happened, he chuckled, adding "Where do these ridiculous, hurtful rumors get started?" Then, the corpse-like, skull-faced King of Pop dismissed his employee, shut the lights and returned to a blissful slumber in his oxygen-chamber sleeping casket.

Jacko: Advisers Made Sure He Wasn't Dead [Fox411]