Tom's macho, chest-baring role in Top Gun was less about getting the girl than it was about male bonding, a topic the VP's Military Man knows quite a bit about. And Cruise's shiny leather vest and gelled back hair in Magnolia surely taught him a thing or two about squeezing larger than life pecs into confining fabrics, though a quick viewing of Leatherman's moves will provide guidance on how to bust a move when it's raining men.

Tom spent some time propping a rock hard construction hat atop his pretty mane while overseeing a Crenshaw construction project last year, but we're sure some practice would lead to Cruise mastering the VP Construction Guy's ability to wear that hat without mussing up a 'do. Of course Cruise will have to add some bling to his Independence Day get-up to look as tricked out as the VP Cowboy, and we highly suggest he arm himself as the group's resident cop did, while playing a German officer overseas.

And no, we would never forget the 70s group's peacocked out Indian chief, but without any Dances With Wolves-esque parts on his resume, we suggest summoning fellow nutcase and tribal expert Mel Gibson to step in as Tom's mentor. As long as no one mentions the fact that Cruise is portraying a gay guy dressed head to toe in feathers and plumes, all should be well.

[Photo credits: rotten.com, nerve.com, Bear's Garage, X17]

[T]he presence of Britney Spears in a poolside cabana at the CineVegas party was enough to turn all of us serious cinema people into gawking gossips. I counted four people in her cabana — and every time I looked in, no one was speaking, and at one point, Ms. Spears herself appeared to be texting — but this micro-entourage required a full wall of security detail, and attracted a nearly-unnavigable crowd of onlookers.

Everybody tried to get a picture, but every time anyone got anywhere near enough with a camera, at least one bodyguard would raise a finger in a terrifying point, a silent gesture of pure terror. ... Why was she here? Did the festival invite her? Did The Palms pay her to show up? Did she come to see movies?

In actuality, the silent-cabana hint suggested a scenario that a scan of our Defamer Britney-Text Interceptor™ log confirmed late Sunday: After all those painstaking negotiations between the two in recent weeks, "Ms. Spears" simply couldn't close a deal to pre-sell Mel Gibson's new film to distributors at CineVegas. Or maybe "2 bad mel always TIFF :-(" simply meant they'd have to take in their planned screening of the sold-out Schoof if/when it plays at Toronto this fall. Anything's possible.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• CineVegas Diary: Britney Spears & Cinephilia [Spout Blog]

As the Daily Mail reports, Lily, Lindsay and Sam all had a giggle on Monday, which naturally concerns us. Lily, who is close with Ronson's older brother, Amy Winehouse-enabler and fellow DJ Mark Ronson, hasn't exactly been what we Americans call "sober" of late. Her travails through Cannes included bouts of vomiting, seasickness- (or alcohol poisoning-) induced fainting spells, topless cliff diving and all around bad behavior. Plus, why on earth would Sam allow Lindsay to sit next to Lily instead of within belly-poking distance by her side?

As for Britney, the soon-to-be Vegas sensation had yet another date with guiding light Mel Gibson last night. And the pairing that once made us nauseous now warms our pro-Britney heart. Looking sanitary, healthy and slim, Spears even made the wise decision to don jeans instead of her trademark Britney-flashing skirts. The former anti-semitic sugar tits-loving Force is with you, Brit.

[Photo credits: WENN, X17]

• LINDSAY LOHAN, LILY ALLEN AND HER LESBIAN LOVER MAKE THREE [Daily Mail]
• BRITNEY POPOZAO POST [ONTD]

boomp3.com



The self-proclaimed King of Malibu, Mel Gibson, had difficulty locating his brand new car after enjoying dinner at Nobu. Gibson smashed the button on his keyless remote over and over again as he paced around the parking lot. Gibson felt that there were far too many luxury cars in his kingdom and something should be done about it. Gibson said, "In the morning, I'm going to work on a proclamation in the morning with my lawyer about how I'm the only one who can drive a BMW, since I'm the king of these 27 miles of scenic beauty." Gibson explained that any other residents with a BMW would be able to trade their car in for a Lexus hybrid or they could just get out of town and move to Calabasas.

[Photo Credit: X17]

Surprisingly and delightfully, Splash News has the best details on how the alleged new couple behaved at the party:

She wore a tight sexy black dress, Louboutin heels and a bright red lipstick. Britney seemed relaxed and happy and laughed as she and Jason shared some jokes. The pair seemed very comfortable together. They sat in a private VIP booth, stayed for 1/2 hour, Britney took a cigarette break and her father seemed to be happy with his daughter having a great time with Jason.

Britney in Louboutins? Where have her beloved glued-on cowboy kickers run off to? Maybe they'll be her wedding present to Juno Lynn? But, we have to say, our favorite tidbit from this story is the fact that "Britney took a cigarette break" and "her father seemed to be happy" are in the same sentence. It's times like these when, for just a split second, we kind of wish Jamie Spears was our dad too.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• BRITNEY SPEARS SMILES AGAIN AS SHE STEPS OUT WITH NEW AGENT 'BOYFRIEND' [Daily Mail]

While some sources are saying the guy in question is her agent Jason Trawick, we think he looks just like Britney's brother Bryan, recently named a co-trustee of her estate. But we seriously hope not, considering the lovey dovey nature of their beach behavior.

And as for speculation that Spears is pregnant, recent reports that the recovering poptard is simply putting on pounds after ditching her ADD meds make more sense after seeing her boogie-boarding, something we doubt even Britney would do with a bun in the oven. Not to mention the appearance of those beloved Mommy Lollipops.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• BRITNEY'S BIKINI FUN IN COSTA RICA [PopSugar]

Back in March, we heard Malibu’s own Ken and Barbie, Mel Gibson and Britney Spears, were aligning their forces of stupidity for the greater good. But it was tough to figure out whether or not they were on a date or set to co-produce a new film starring each and every one of their split personalities. But thanks to recent reports, it sounds as though the partnership was neither love- or business-bound. They’re just two confused drunks trying to stay clean together! Master of sobriety Mel recently flew both Britney and her owner, father Jamie Spears, down for a vacation at his Costa Rican clam shack for some R&R. But why now? And more importantly, why does Britney keep hiding her newly rotund tummy from the paparazzi?

After being spotted at a health clinic just before her jaunt to Mel's, rumors circulated suggesting the healing poptard might be pregnant yet again. Coupled with the fact that Spears has recently favored camouflaging her baby-making area whenever the paparazzi swarm, the theory seemed plausible. But it was merely wishful thinking — the clinic in question specializes in (yawn) sports injuries. As a source tells The Sun, Spears just feels chunky after going cold turkey on her ADD meds, and being force-fed cuisine by her drug addict-turned-chef dad: "She has put on a lot of weight in recent weeks...she is extremely paranoid about her body at the moment." We just hope Mel doesn't accidentally erupt in another sexist spat and address her as Sugar Tits before grabbing her and passing out.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash]

• BRITNEY SPEARS AND DAD HEAD TO MEL GIBSON'S COSTA RICAN RANCH [Us]
• BRIT TESTS STOKE BABY RUMOURS [The Sun]

Meg Ryan appeared on the special issue's third cover, following Jodie Foster and Cindy Crawford, in 1994. Happily married to Dennis Quaid and still enjoying that whole America's Sweetheart phase, Ryan was a natural choice. But as we all know, five years later Ryan entered an affair with Proof Of Life co-star Russell Crowe, which led to divorce, trout pout and making dirty movies. Oops. As for Mel Gibson, People's 1996 cover star, beauty gradually descended into bigotry and all kinds of sugar tit-laden anti-Semitic madness we just don't even feel like discussing in detail at the moment.

The very next year, none other than Tom Cruise and his uber-serious mug graced the cover. Officially adored by the world after appearing in Jerry Maguire the year before, Cruise was still married to Nicole and every woman in the country felt that Cruise truly "completed" them. But after hiring a divorce lawyer, a beard (in the form of Penelope Cruz), and a new wife, Cruise's beauty is now only recognized by those with OT-V clearance and above. And finally, 2004's issue featured a blissfully married Jennifer Aniston, who sadly spent most of her interview "laugh[ing] off speculation of then-husband Brad Pitt's rumored romance with Mr. & Mrs. Smith costar Angelina Jolie." Again, oops.

[Photo credits: People.com]

• KATE HUDSON IS PEOPLE'S MOST BEAUTIFUL COVER GIRL [People]

· Tom Wolfe's sex-at-college novel I Am Charlotte Simmons (how's that for distilling 752 pages into one compound modifier?) will be directed by music video vet Liz Friedlander, to be eventually followed by Medusa's Pom Pom, a tell-all exposé detailing what went wrong behind the scenes of the box office dud. [THR]
· Closing arguments in the Pellicano trial begin today. [THR]
· Les Moonves pledged this morning that Showtime "would not miss a beat," despite having lost output deals with Paramount, MGM and Lionsgate to a new, yet-to-be-named premium cable channel, as that decision has effectively "freed up $300 million" to lavish on "more original programming like the one with all the lesbians going at it." [THR]

boomp3.com

Self proclaimed "King of Malibu" Mel Gibson nearly caused a pile-up in his fair city as he attempted to decipher a text message from one of his children at a stoplight. Gibson asked a motorist in the next lane if they knew what "Hai *vin 4 cofy ditd <3" meant. The passing motorist shrugged their shoulders, but told Gibson that they loved him in Bird On A Wire and zoomed away. Gibson continued to decipher for roughly ten minutes before tossing the phone in the back seat while shouting, "Kids. These fucking kids today."

[Bauer-Griffin]

boomp3.com

Actor/King of Malibu Mel Gibson expressed his dismay with escalating gas prices while filling up in the 'Bu yesterday afternoon. Gibson asked the gentleman at the pump across from him if he knew why the prices are so high and the man blurted out, "Cause Bush is a dick." Gibson shook his head and muttered, "No, that can't be it."

[Photo Credit: X17]

Though we hope Britney had been called to a meeting with Mel to fill in the cast of his upcoming Under And Alone, which stars Gibson as an undercover agent infiltrating motorcycle gangs in Southern California, the film is already in production. Still, Spears would be a cameo natural; looking rougher than ever and sounding like she's come to embrace misery as a primary emotion, stepping in as some kind of abused, washed-up rider's girlfriend, all while dressed in ripped leather (and with no need for a knotty, tar-colored wig!) would be a better comeback choice than her infamous Lip Syncing On Valium appearance.

But there's also Mel's upcoming Sam And George, in which Mel will play a freed prisoner reuniting with an old friend (presumably named either Sam or George). If Spears really wants to prove herself, she'll instruct Gibson to change one of the title characters' names to Samantha or Georgia and gum-chew her way into a starring role. But sadly, considering the meeting was held at the Romanov, the two were probably just (yawn) on a date, and are planning a litter of right-wing, baby-saving, Holocaust-denying kids. Face it, movies just can't compete with a Hollywood sect of proselytizing Gibneys infiltrating the cultural narrative.

• BRITNEY SPEARS DINES WITH MEL GIBSON [Us]

He claims that in their original negotiations, Gibson said he was going to pay for the film himself, and "because he was so rich," he wouldn't take a cut of any profits, but that they would be divided among the other people who worked on the movie, "excluding Gibson. [...]

Fitzgerald, after lengthily describing his own Catholicism and fervent belief in the project (which he claims is how he got hired in the first place), says Gibson "preyed monetarily" on him, "taking advantage of his unbridled enthusiasm for the project and with full cognizance of [Fitzgerald's] fundamental personal and spiritual beliefs. In making a mockery of his own purported belief system, Gibson callously and greedily exploited [Fitzgerald]," the suit read.

"He shamelessly minted and cobbled gobbles of money from 'The Passion.' And just as Gibson extracted shared screenplay credit from [Fitzgerald], he also extracted sums of money due [Fitzgerald]," the suit continued. [...]

George R. Hedges, an attorney for Gibson's production company, Icon, told People, the lawsuit "is utterly baseless and the charges are utterly baseless."

Fitzgerald's suit couldn't be any worse-timed for the director, landing on the cusp of a bold new era for the most downtrodden and exploited peg of Hollywood's rigid above-the-line caste system. It's disputes like this that can plant seeds of simmering resentment, eventually exploding on the side of the Pacific Coast Highway as an officer waves away the potent agave fumes that accompany Gibson's hate-fueled accusations of, "Are you a screenwriter? Fucking screenwriters... The screenwriters are responsible for all the strikes in the world."

• Writer sues Mel Gibson over 'Passion' script [Access Hollywood]

To sweeten the deal, if the reserve is met, the Apocalypto director has promised to further personalize the garment by inscribing it with a memorable line from the auction winner's favorite Gibson movie or drunken racist rant, though having him write the word "Sugar" on one rear pocket and "Tits" on the other will cost a premium. Come on, now, bidders: This is for a good cause.

• The Kathy Hilton Wishing Tree for the Make-A-Wish Foundation [wish.org]
• Kathy Hilton Wishing Tree [eBay]

"Basically, all the paparazzi are still out there trying to get their Britney shot," said one resident of the beachy burg. "They don't even care much about the burning houses."

Indeed, gripes about Britney have been permeating Malibu like so much ash, said the source, who overheard Mel Gibson's wife, Robyn, venting to a fellow local. "She was like, 'It's so annoying that people are more concerned about if Britney Spears's house was burnt'"—so far, it's escaped any damage—"'than their own well-being.'" Mad Max's wife, who was forced to evacuate along with the couple's twin boys, went on to say that the situation said horrible things about "people's priorities."

"Basically," said the source, "Britney needs to get the fuck out of Malibu."

This isn't the first resident of a tony Los Angeles enclave to verbalize their frustration over the riots that follow the singer wherever she goes. Still, when Mrs. Mel Gibson, Duchess of the Dominion of Malibu, is reduced to getting her sugartits in a bunch over the media's trivial obsession with her gum-snapping, latté-chugging neighbor—as beach-dwelling Malibu Americans are sent fleeing from their burning homes—it signals to us that something is truly off-kilter with the current state of disaster-exploitation tabloid journalism.

• Malibu Is Up in Smoke—About Britney's Paparazzi Problem! Ejected From Abode, Mel Gibson's Wife Grouses [NYObserver.com]

"They get people at their most vulnerable point to turn over huge sums of money," said Michael Parks, a lawyer for a former patient identified only as John Doe, a 50-year-old lawyer and alcoholic who sued in July. "Promises has a double standard of caring for celebrities first, at the expense of regular people."

The suit accuses Promises of evicting the plaintiff after a week — and keeping the balance of his $49,000 payment — because of false claims that he had made a "sexually inappropriate remark" to an unnamed celebrity patient.

The Promises staff tolerated "racially insensitive comments" by a celebrity, the suit alleges. Promises denied the allegations. A hearing is set for November. [...]

Sauer said Promises did nothing wrong. "Just because someone files a lawsuit, does that mean anything?" he asked.

If the 'Bu-habs are, in fact, giving their celebrity clients preferential treatment during their stays, they're merely following the effective and long-established practices of any luxury-based business trying to stay competitive in Los Angeles. Even if they've paid their mid-five-figure fees, Hollywood civilians probably shouldn't be too shocked when their combination poolside hot-rocks massages/encounter sessions are cut short so that a Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson don't have to wait a minute longer than necessary to begin battling the demons that may require three or four month-long, Platinum Member stays to fully vanquish.

• The trouble with rehab, Malibu-style [LAT]

We have no one to blame but ourselves for this crippling loss; had we embraced Gibson during this turbulent time in his life as warmly as the more forgiving Costa Ricans locals, maybe he'd still be building pre-Vatican II megachurches with stunning vistas of Carbon Beach instead of in the bandit-plagued wilds of Central America.

• Today Show [NBC.com]
• Gibson braves kidnap threats [Metro]

A Malibu judge yesterday said the Oscar winner, who was busted for drunken driving in July 2006, has completed his court-ordered alcohol-cessation program.

"The AA meetings are no longer under his probation's conditions," a spokeswoman with the district attorney's office said.

Obviously, Gibson would only benefit from continuing to attend the meetings: As any successful 12-stepper can tell you, while it might get easier to resist your demons over time, the threat of a relapse is always there, and all it would take is a citrusy whiff from a freshly cracked Tequiza to send the actor tailspinning right back to Jew-loathing square one.

• Mel can quit AA anytime he wants [NY Daily News]

ED Limato, 71, may have a hard time finding a new job after being unceremoniously demoted at ICM. The ill-tempered agent had talks with CAA, which covets his clients Richard Gere, Denzel Washington and Mel Gibson - but CAA doesn't want to pay Limato's $5 million salary or hire all his staff, including two script readers, sources say.

The Endeavor agency won't employ Limato either, because after Gibson's infamous anti-Semitic drunken-driving rant last year, Endeavor head Ari Emanuel called for a Hollywood boycott of the star. "Even if Ari and Ed iron out their differences, Mel won't go to Endeavor, and he is Ed's biggest client," one insider said. Maybe United Talent is interested, but it probably won't want to pay the $1 million cost (as ICM did) for Limato's geriatric pre-Oscar party. "No one came anymore, and it always turned out to be just a personal party for him and his friends," our insider said.

Surely someone will be willing to take a chance on love with Limato, especially if it means bringing life-partner Mel Gibson into the relationship as well. Either footing the bill for a seniors-only pre-Oscar party or absorbing an elderly guest list for one's formerly competing affair seems like a small price to pay for the possibility that Gibson still has a highly lucrative Lethal Weapon or Passion of the Christ sequel in him.

• FALLEN AGENT ADRIFT IN L.A. [Page Six]

"As part of a restructuring of ICM's motion picture department to deliver long-term growth, ICM stated today that Ed Limato is no longer co-president of the agency. Mr. Limato will continue as a motion picture agent at the company. 'ICM is restructuring the business to ensure that we develop the most innovative projects for our clients,' said Jeffrey Berg, chairman and CEO of ICM.

As part of this process, the agency is making fundamental changes throughout the business to support the next generation of leadership. Ed has been a highly regarded member of our firm for the past 19 years, and we appreciate his efforts.' Further developments with regard to the department's restructuring for growth will be announced in due course."

We suppose we'll have to wait to see exactly how nasty (it is, of course, a Friday afternoon in mid-July, and Hollywood's most powerful are currently hunting human game in Sun Valley) the divorce becomes, but someone should really check on Mel Gibson to make sure that he's OK. It's exactly this kind of destabilizing event in his family that put him back on streets of Malibu, looking to take out his anguish on the first Jewish-seeming or sugar-titted* police officer he encounters.

[*Wow, a sugartit joke! Happy Friday, everyone!]

• EXCLUSIVE: ICM & Ed Limato Call It Quits [DHD]
• Previously: Mel Gibson's Agent Protects Vulnerable, Red-Hot Client From Evil, Hypocrite Poachers [Defamer]

"He wants to help the indigenous population here and wants to know how to channel the funds," President Oscar Arias told reporters outside his home, where he met with the 51-year-old actor-director for about an hour Monday.

Arias said Gibson, who directed last year's Mayan epic "Apocalypto," would return to Costa Rica next month to arrange details of his donation. [...]

He acknowledged buying a house in Guanacaste on the Central American nation's Pacific coast and jokingly asked reporters if they wanted the address.

As with a dinner with Panamanian tourism officials, we imagine Gibson's new Costa Rican neighbors will be eager to pitch projects to the high-profile resident and benefactor. Still, aspiring local screenwriters may be disappointed to learn, upon ringing his Guanacaste doorbell to deliver a basket filled with local produce and a copy of their script, that the last thing Gibson is interested in exploring is "a native Costa Rican take on What Women Want," having his heart set instead on a 9-page treatment outlining a 90-minute, real-time flaying to death of a single Indian by Spanish Conquistadors.

• Mel Gibson meets with Costa Rican leader [Yahoo/AP]

Alicia Estrada, an Assistant Professor of Central American Studies at CSUN, challenged Gibson, asking him if he had read about the Mayan culture before shooting the controversial film. Gibson said he had.

Estrada persisted, stating that representations in the movie that the Mayans engaged in sacrificial ceremonies and had bloodthirsty tendencies were both wrong and racist. Estrada and others tell TMZ that Gibson exploded in anger, responding, "Lady, F**k off."

The emotional Mayan members were escorted out of the room, and we're told Gibson screamed a parting shot — "Make your own movie!"

TMZ has since updated their story with a statement from Gibson's flack, who says, "This person was a heckler who was rude and disrupted the event, so much so that the event organizers had to escort her out." It's unfortunate that what could have been an excellent opportunity for artist and academic to open channels of communication quickly devolved into an obscenity-filled screaming match, leaving Gibson with no choice but to silence Estrada's claims that he exploited her culture for his own, selfish storytelling needs with a dismissive, "500 years ago, a mouthy broad like you'd be tethered to a stone altar with your still-beating heart high above my head!"

• Mel Goes Ballistic — "Lady, F**k Off!" [TMZ]

Gibson dined Sunday night with Ruben Blades, a tourism spokesman and singer, who suggested his next project should be a remake of the 1950 film noir "Panic in the Streets," set in Panama, the Panama Tourism Bureau said in a news release.

Panamanian filmmaker Jose Severino was quoted in Monday editions of the daily newspaper La Prensa as saying that he was in negotiations with Gibson to produce a movie about Spanish explorer Vasco Nunez de Balboa, the first European to see the Pacific Ocean from its eastern shore.

While the tourist board is understandably excited about the avalanche of money and favorable publicity that a Gibson visit would bring to Panama, they should heed the cautionary tale told by the Mayan community after they had a chance to screen Apocalypto; while Gibson would promise that a movie about Balboa's explorations would be a celebration of 16th century Panamanian culture, the final product would probably wind up full of graphically violent scenes depicting the natives as gay cannibals whom the righteous Spanish conquistador was forced to feed to his dogs.

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Gibson Weighs Shooting Movie in Panama [AP]

In today's star-studded, Oscar Week episode: Leonardo DiCaprio; Mel Gibson, Diane Sawyer, Mike Nichols; The Rock; Jennifer Hudson; Peter O'Toole; Hilary Swank; Orlando Bloom and Adrian Grenier; Cuba Gooding, Jr., Michael Arndt, Shannyn Sossamon, John Waters, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla and Carson Daly; Will Arnett, Joey McIntyre and Dax Shepard; Lauren Graham, Robin Tunney and Marley Shelton; Scott Speedman and Bradley Cooper; Scott Foley and Marika Dominczyk; Jeff Zucker; Tim Allen; Matt Stone; Dane Cook; Paris Hilton; Tawny Cypress; Magic Johnson; Rory Cochrane; Jai Rodriguez, Lakisha Jones, Gina Glocksen and Leslie Hunt; Serena Williams and Camryn Manheim.

· So I was at dinner tonight (2/26) at Table 8 on Melrose with a very handsome companion when my attention was drawn away from him to a most Delicious specimen. Yes, it was Leo DiCaprio with a group of 6 or so. I know he is dating a model (natch) but the women he was dining with looked liked they were normal (!) wearing casual clothes and little to no makeup. (Undercover?)They were still beautiful but it seemed weird. Oh wait. Maybe Leo has some real friends! They seemed like a nice and normal group of people out for a good, if expensive, meal.

· this morning 2.24 at 10:50am going east on sunset blvd at holloway stopped at the light saw Leo DiCaprio's head bobbing up and down in the back seat of a "green" limo honda civic. His head filled the entire window..........i know it's oscar weekend and all, but it was Leo the nominated!

· So everyone probably saw everyone somewhere on Oscar weekend, but we had a good double header on 2/23:

#1 - The Rock having what looked like a business dinner at Dan Tana's.

#2 - Mel Gibson at the Belvedere in the Peninsula, acting extremely chummy with Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols. There are so many things wrong with this I don't know where to start, but I think the big questions are about Diane's journalistic integrity and whether or not Mel calls her "Sugar Tits."

· Jennifer Hudson was on my mom's plane yesterday (2/26) from LAX to Kennedy. My mom told her "you were so great," and Jennifer was super sincerely nice and appreciative, like a sweet un-jaded teenager. (JH was in first class, mom was stuck in coach.) I first thought "oh brother" when I heard this story, but then the flight attendant told her she was the only one to approach the winning ingenue on the whole flight! Weird that peeps are that Too Cool for School to an Oscar winner the day after. Not that she needs more adulation, but b/c of her going virtually unnoticed it's OK mom said something. JH apparently let all the flight attendants hold her Oscar but not in a show off-y way, which is sorta sweet, no?

· 2/24 I live right behind the Four Seasons hotel and we walked over to night to see who might be around. No one in the bar, just random nobodies (or no one I recognize). So we go into the lounge with the fireplace and it's totally dead. Then Peter O'Toole and his retinue walks in and sits down. We hung around for a while and he held court there then we eventually left. But it was great! Sadly, he looks like death warmed over, but still very classy and British. He was with a woman wearing a tee shirt that said on the back: I'm with a living legend.

· 4pm, Oscar night at Whole Foods on Wilshire in S.M. Was less than thrilled to be there as I'm more of a Ralph's guy, but what baby wants, baby gets. We're in the checkout line and I notice a stellar set of teeth on the cute, yet slightly disheveled girl in front of us. Hilary Swank! Food shopping on Oscar night! Hell of a difference a year makes...

· Adrian Grenier's band performing at The Echo on Saturday...Adrian loves his Pale Ale. And Orlando Bloom came to show his support. Both stayed through the second band and were pretty chill about hanging out with the all ages crowd...but soon headed off to Adrian's house for an after party.

· I went to the after-party at Shutters. Got there a little later. While in line, I saw Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, Adam Carolla, his girlfriend, and Carson Daly leaving as a group. Noticed that Carson smokes and is indeed rather skinny.

Inside, I saw Cuba Gooding, Jr., Michael Arndt, Shannyn Sossamon, and John Waters.

· Today (2/26), I was walking down Larchmont and I saw a cute little dog and as I stopped to coo at it I noticed the owner was none other than Christian rocker (and former NKOTB member) Joey McIntyre. He was chatting with two smokers sitting at a café about some movie he did in Boston. Turns out the two men were Will Arnett (cue "The Final Countdown"), who reassured McIntyre of his performance in the film, and Arnett's Let's Got to Prison costar Dax Shepard. They were all in good spirits and very nice indeed.

· Had an eclectic sighting at grace restaurant on saturday night. Marley Shelton, Lauren Graham, possibly Robin Tunney, and one of the blond girls from Friday Night Lights were all having dinner together, as part of a large party in the back room. Sadly, my back was to that table so I couldn't stare and my dining companions don't watch enough TV to identify anyone else in the party. I need to get new friends.

· A star-studded day at the Casbah Cafe! 2-27, Scott Speedman strolls into the Silver Lake mainstay around 10:30 am, looking legitimately rolled-out-of-bed, as opposed to "spent 45 minutes perfecting the rolled-out-of-bed look." He had a knapsack on him, ordered some juice, left, came back in, examined an empty LA Weekly rack, left, came back in for a moment, then left again. Scintillating! Then, a couple hours later, Bradley Baumkirchner of Project Runway fame strolled in, in all his scraggily glory. Disheveled blond dude central over here! (Speedman was infinitely more doable...but can he put me in a weird looking bubble dress? I think not.)

Saturday 2/24 at around Noonish. Saw Scott Foley and fiancee (the girl who plays Tyler on Brothers & Sisters) [Marika Dominczyk] walking on Montana past Blue Plate. They didn't eat there (at least when I was there), but apparently know the hostess, as she chatted with them for a while. My friend and I couldn't get over how SMOKIN he is in person.

· 2/24 - Jeff Zucker, looking totally non-honcho holding hands with his little boy with the rest of the family in tow, strolling down Beverly on Saturday morning.

· After a somewhat satisfying, low-carb breakfast of lox, eggs and onions at Canters, my b.f. and I sauntered to the counter to pay the check. We then spied a ball-capped, shades-wearing Tim Allen, also waiting to settle up, with his young daughter. At least, I hope it was his daughter—she came up to about his waist and had barely hit puberty, but who knows. The point is, he looked extremely puffy and, get this—the bedraggled cashier dared to inspect TIM ALLEN'S twenty dollar bill in the light to make sure it wasn't counterfeit—maybe he knows Wild Hogs will bomb and assumes his cash is questionable. After a quick eye-roll, Tim shared a weak laugh with his daughter/girlfriend. My b.f. and I also chuckled—but more at Tim's scarily taut jaw-line, complete with an old-fashioned scar in FRONT of the ear, and the classic PERMANENTLY SURPRISED! look on his brow-lifted face. One would think at 1.25 million a pop for each episode of Home Improvement, he might have found a better surgeon. I'm sort of surprised that during their on-set bonding, Travolta didn't recommend his favorite Scientology-vitamin-silent-exercise routine to normalize the face of our favorite grunting, sitcom dad.

· Matt Stone from "South Park" and 1/2 of the J-Lo/Gwyneth combo at the Oscars a few years back, hanging with friends Fri night (2/23) at the Joker,
probably the sketchiest old-man dive bar on the dumpy part of Pico in SM. He
chatted and sipped his tequila shot (salt) for awhile, then took off with
his bald friend. We thought that'd be it, but they returned about 15 minutes
later....with McDonalds! The guy walked across the street and got McDonalds
to bring back for his friends.

· Dane Cook at the Coldstone Creamery at the Beverly Connection, last monday, President's Day, around 8pm. Picking up pints for himself and his live in love Raquel. He had to call her to find out what she wanted but she didn't answer. I didn't notice what he was ordering because he looked like any other shlub when I got in line next to him. It wasn't until I had listened to him speaking for a minute or two that I realized who he was. The Coldstone ice cream guys were clearly as indifferent as I was. He was very low profile which was refreshing given his over hyped onstage persona.

· * Evening of Wed., Feb. 21, at the Fatburger on Santa Monica in WeHo, Tawny Cypress (newly dead Simone on Heroes) ordered a bacon cheeseburger in the company of her significant other and their really cute 8-year-old. Totally unpretentious in a long sweatshirt, skirt and Converse shoes, and just lovely. Seems like a very nice family.

* This afternoon, Fri., Feb. 23, if my eyes did not deceive me, the succubus herself, Paris Hilton louching (slouch + lounge) in the passenger seat of a gray Land Rover at the corner of Third and Fairfax (Farmers Market).

· I know, a privacywatch sighting on Oscar night - like fish in a barrel. BUT -this was a non-entertainment celebrity, arguably. Anyway, Magic Johnson, at Mastro's in Beverly Hills. He was actually there during the show - he was coming out just as I was going in. That's a large dude. He was very nice, made sure to personally thank and shake the hands of everyone in sight, the maitre d', the reservations woman, the bartender, etc. Classy. On an unrelated side note, I really, really want to smack that reservations woman.

· Rory Cochrane and pretty blond girlfriend stuck with the rest of us mortals in the valet parking line/crowd/mob outside Social Hollywood/Boulevard 3 on Saturday night (2/25).

· Barely a celebrity sighting... Just saw Jai Rodriguez (of Queer Eye fame) at the Beverly Center. And as I turned the corner whispering to my friend, "is that the broadway dude from Queer Eye?" I saw three of the new American Idol kids shopping. I don't know any of their names, but I specifically remember the crazy blonde girl who could be the spawn of Amy Poehler and Rachel Dratch [ed. note: Leslie Hunt, we think], the girl with the red streaks in her hair (come on! red streaks??!) [Gina Glocksen], and the really good singer who has a baby [Lakisha Jones].

I really couldn't get any more D-List than that....

· Very random sighting in Westwood Village at about 9:15 this morning (2-24):

I was going into the Jamba Juice in Westwood Village for my daily wheat grass fix, when who should walk out directly in my path but Serena Williams. She was dressed in workout gear (a zip up pullover and spandex pants,—if I think hard enough I could probably remember the color) with no makeup on, Jamba in hand and looked very toned down (as opposed to her normal outerwear). She was smaller than I expected and felt only an inch or two taller than me (and I'm 5'8"). Isn't she supposed to be taller? Anywho, it was a random way to kick start my day. I will say this though: homegirl has thighs of steel.

· decided it was time to sign up for a Costco membership. went to the Culver City location today (2/24) to sign up. as i waited in line to get my card, i saw Camryn Manheim on her way out. she was with a good-lookin' hunky guy. he was pushing one of those Home Depot style flat carts with a very large box loaded on top. she was very chatty. seemed to be in a really good mood. tried to figure out what was in the box. an extra large Made In China flat screen t.v.? a kid's swingset? patio furniture? doesn't she have a bunch of adopted kids with her 'partner'? or am i thinking of Rosie O'Donnell?

· Oh, Mel Gibson, you incorrigible prankster! You've inserted a single frame of a guy in a Where's Waldo suit splayed upon a pile of massacred Mayans in Apocalypto (at :02 in the above clip, for those having trouble finding it), kind of like the gag you pulled with the trailer! You so crazy!
· Well, there go all those fun Kim Kardashian golden shower jokes. A pity.
· John Waters dips into Nerve's mailbag.
· Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell were too big to share the VF Hollywood issue cover with the Stillers of the world, according to Nikki Finke.
· Viggo vs. Pedro!

Carmel Sloane, 29, alleges she was conceived when Gibson gave a lift to her hitchhiking mother, Marilyn, in Australia in 1976. "I was a slim young woman in tight-fitting jeans on the side of the road when a station wagon stopped," Marilyn tells Britain's News of the World. "[Mel] said, 'Where are you going?' I said, 'A long way from here.'

"When we stopped for the night, he persuaded me to join him in the back. I told him, 'If anything happens and I get pregnant I'm going to come looking for you.' He replied, 'I'm going to be famous — you'll always know where to find me.'"

It's unclear why she's waited 29 years to ask for a DNA test. But daughter Carmel, who supposedly will file a legal claim this week, argues, "I'm not doing it for his money. I just want to meet the man I've always known was my dad."

Unfortunately, the story makes no mention of the self-professed lovechild's quest to discover the roots of a mysterious love for drink and a paranoid suspicion about the Jewish role in worldwide conflict, so we have no choice but to suspect a crass financial motive for trying to establish paternity at the height of her alleged dad's notoriety. Perhaps she naively believes that the rigors of Gibson's home-based alcohol recovery program may have robbed him of his will to fight off a lawsuit, and he'll happily hand over a pile of money just to avoid confronting the possibility that he was too drunk to remember all the hitchhikers he may have knocked up back in the 70s.

• Mel hears from a would-be Gibson girl (fourth item) [Rush & Molloy]

On Thursday night, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Jewish community leaders from all over California to celebrate Hanukkah at the State Capitol, and while photographs from the event seem to show Schwarzenegger generally enjoying himself, things got momentarily tense when he approached the Hollywood contingent and tried to do a little lobbying for a close, yet misunderstood, pal who recently may have said some terrible things he really didn't mean. Unfortunately, even after joining some of his guests in a dance to show good faith, the Governor was politely but firmly told the best they could do for his buddy's "bloody little movie" was an Oscar nomination in a technical category or two, and then only if the friend finally started showing up to some of those healing meetings he promised back in the summer.

[Photo: Office of the Governor press release]

• Gov. Schwarzenegger Begins Festival of Lights Chanukah Celebration at the State Capitol [Gov.ca.govr]

1. Apocalypto—$14.166 million
With Apocalypto's first-place-but-really-not-that-impressive opening, Disney's president of distribution is declaring the result the triumph of Art over Media Sensationalism, telling the LAT: "They judged the movie, not the man. It's so hard to get noticed in this crowded marketplace, but here is a film that on its face said, 'I'm fresh, I'm creative, I'm different,' and people responded to that." The box office victory might have made Gibson and the studio somewhat overconfident about moviegoers' acceptance of the embattled director, as it plans to roll out a new series of ads this week declaring Apocalytpo "THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA. TAKE THAT, JEWS."

2. The Holiday—$13.5 million
Maybe The Holiday could have found the half a million or so dollars it would have taken to overcome Apocalypto if it had featured a scene in which Cameron Diaz graphically beheads Jude Law and bounces his pretty head down his front steps like a soccer ball. Clearly, the film was lacking that "creative" and "different" element that propelled Gibson's effort into first place.

3. Happy Feet—$11.032 million
4. Casino Royale—$8.8 million
We admit that we may be a little fixated on Casino Royale's harrowing torture scene (we've been scarred, apparently, and might need to talk this one out with a licensed therapist), but we find it almost impossible to view these results without imagining a gang of tap-dancing penguins repeatedly striking a naked Daniel Craig in the genitals with a knotted rope.

5. Blood Diamond—$8.515 million
This morning, Warner Bros. distribution executives will blame this highly disappointing™ opening on a DeBeers campaign offering moviegoers a coupon redeemable for a free diamond if they would watch a short video about the "irresponsible lies" about their industry presented in Blood Diamond instead of buying a ticket to the film.

• December 8-10, 2006 Studio Estimates [Box Office Mojo]

While I won't bore anyone with my review on APOCALYPTO (okay I lied — pompous, over-hyped snoozefest — there), I thought I might as well give a quick report on who attended last night's cast and crew screening in Westwood. Being neither cast nor crew, I can honestly report that Mel Gibson did attend, sans the Nazi uniform and 24-pack of Natural Light. The screening got started about forty minutes late, which, from what I can tell was because Gibson couldn't decide where he was sitting, despite two rows being corded off in the middle of the theater. Walk up the aisle, walk down the aisle. Shake some hands, look confused for what was an uncomfortably long period, think about sitting down, decide not to. Repeat.

The cast was there, although it would have been nice if they had attended in traditional garb — I was thrown off with Rudy Youngblood (lead actor, "Jaguar Paw", who strangely reminds me of an ex-boyfriend) without tribal shit darting from his face. Bizarre sightings of the night — Eriq La Salle, I'm assuming with time to kill since having left E.R., and Chad Lowe, with even more time to kill since being left by Hilary Swank. And no, they were not together.

Gibson's agitated behavior was of course due to the two rows' worth of Jewish community representatives the actor had personally Evited in order to see for themselves how not a single Jew was harmed during—nor blamed for—any of the sadistic deaths in his latest cinematic opus. Sadly, however, despite logging several "maybe" responses, none of them wound up showing up, and a dejected Gibson finally removed the cordoning, upon which the seats were quickly filled by the production's many standing-room-relegated PAs.

• Mayans Worried Impending 'Apocalypto' Stardom May Typecast Them In Heart-Removing Bogeyman Roles [Defamer]