Alas, for every Kristi Yamaguchi who wins Dancing With the Stars, there are a dozen others whose athletic gifts fail to blossom into entertainment careers. Defamer videographer Molly McAleer has dug deep into our archives for a few of the most dramatic missteps and failures, from Bruce Jenner's ill-advised turn in Can't Stop the Music to Mary Lou Retton's less-than-convincing '80s-era battery pitch. May the limits of their championship spirit be a lesson to all those going for the gold in '08. We'll be watching. (Read more coverage of the 2008 Olympic Games.)

5. Bruce Jenner, You Can't Stop The Music

4. Mitch Gaylord, American Anthem

3. Mary Lou Retton, Energizer Commercial

2. Tonya Harding, Celebrity Boxing

1. Carl Lewis, Get My Money

• Previously: The Top 10 TV Characters Men Want To Be Like And Women Want To Be With [Defamer]

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1. The Script Makes Bend It Like Beckham Sound Like Shakespeare: Diablo may have been able to get away with now-sticky phrases like "Honest to blog" and "Phuket, Thailand!" thanks to the plucky work of Ellen Page. But take a gander of these cringe-worthy attempts to make the next "fetch" happen from Angus: "'Oh my giddygodspyjamas" (what she exclaims when she sees a boy she likes), "nunga-nunga holder" (bra) and "Vulgaria!" (the biggest put down). Call us nuts, but we find it hard to get on board with a star whose "As if>!"-esque breakthrough quote-worthy line includes any of the above.

2. Georgia Has No Cokepants Escapades Or Nudity Scandals In Her Future: As she tells the Mail, "I don't think I could handle all that fame and attention...Basically, I like living with my mum and dad, I like living at home, I like school and I'd miss all my friends.'" Oh dear. We're not sure an actress can even get her passport stamped on this side of the pond spouting that kind of saccharine wholesomeness. At least Keira busts out an F-bomb or twelve in nearly every interview she's given.

3. Anyone Who Dares To Neglect Johnny Depp's Pre-Pirates Career Is On Our Shit List: And we don't care how young they are. On the topic of Depp, Georgia gets all gooey-eyed and 'fesses to a crush (permissible), but goes on to say she didn't know who he was before she saw his Keith Richards impersonation in the swashbuckling blockbusters. In our world, that kind of talk is pure sacrilege, even for a 16-year-old.

• MEET MIDGET JONES! GEORGIA'S BEING HAILED BY HOLLYWOOD AS THE NEXT KEIRA KNIGHTLEY [Daily Mail]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

5. Back To The Future: What to do when you're on a DeLorean-powered trip back in the 50s and you need a master plan to make sure your teenage parents fall magically in love so you can, you know, exist and stuff? Why, plan an Enchantment Under The Sea dance of course! Technically not a prom per se, but Marty McFly's artfully designed gymnasium paired with Lea Thompson's updo sure made it look like one. Our favorite moment is above, after the Biff-as-recurring-obstacle-laden plan finally works, and Michael J. Fox rocks out like a regular Danny Zuko to "Johnny B. Goode" because the crowd calls for something that "really cooks."

4. Carrie: Oh dear. Nightmares much? After only one viewing of the DePalma classic at what was probably a far too early age, we still feel the instinctive need to run far, far away from whatever photo or television suddenly shows Sissy Spacek.

3. Pretty In Pink: Confession time. However ridiculously unrealistic it is when the uppity Andrew McCarthy boldly tells poufy-shouldered Molly Ringwald that he loves her, and as much pity we feel for the Right One that is adorable Duckie, we still sorta kinda need a tissue (just one!) whenever we watch this scene. Sappiness aside, any movie featuring James Spader in his trademark 80s sad snob role is a classic in our book.

2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Both Kristy Swanson and Luke Perry haven't exactly seen their career trajectories blow up since this 1992 gem, but at their height looks-wise, watching them battle vampires using things like wooden stakes, stiletto heels and motorcycles is always a fun ride. And who can resist Paul Reubens in what might be the best proof of Pee Wee's comedic abilities?

1. Jawbreaker: Simply. The. Best. The tiara that could double as a weapon. The slow-motion ascent to the stage. Rebecca Gayheart mouthing "Eat Shit." Rose McGowan's gradual death via flower massacre. An epic journey from queen bee to exiled Heathers-like outcast, all set to the Donnas' "Rock & Roll Machine" and Frank Sinatra. Genius

• NY TIMES TAKES MIRAMAX TO 'PROM' [Var]

1) The “Collapse” That Wasn’t: First of all, who hasn’t tripped once or twice when leaving a bar? Secondly, when someone like little MK leaves a bar, she doesn’t find herself in some empty vacant parking lot — she’s surrounded by handlers, paparazzi towering something like twelve feet above her head, and maneuvering her way to a ride involves all kinds of obstacles, from curbs uneasily managed while wearing four-inch heels to flashbulbs making it nearly impossible to see where the hell she’s going. Stumbling (kind of gracefully) briefly during a clusterfuck like that does not a “collapse” make.

2) The Mythical Heath/Mary-Kate Romance Remains Purely...Mythical: We won’t point any fingers (since pointing one of those fingers at ourselves just isn’t fun), but more than a few gossips and reporters launched a baseless theory immediately following Ledger’s tragic death, that he and Olsen had been dating at the time. A few scattered clues, including his masseuse’s decision to call MK before the police, the possibility that Olsen owned the apartment Ledger had been renting, and her total silence post-tragedy, sort of suggested a possible romance. But for Star to affirmatively call the deceased Joker Mary-Kate’s “lover” is off the mark. Even if the two were in some way together, Olsen’s so-called grief arrives at an odd time; Ledger’s legend may include an Oscar come next winter, and MK is finally hitting her acting stride.

3) If Any Olsen Is Suffering Twin Envy, It’s Ashley: More than a few stories have popped up lately regarding the growing friction between Mary-Kate, who’s all but abandoned her Dualstar responsibilities for trapeeze lessons in China, and Ashley, who has so far kept up appearances as an active co-president. But everyone knows these girls have had stars in their eyes since ruining television before they could even speak. We don’t care how vehemently Ashley defends her working girl persona; need we remind her of a little role on her horizon in which she’ll partner with an ensemble cast to successfully destroy yet another Bret Easton Ellis novel by just not getting it on-screen?

[Photo credits: X17]

• BACK TO REHAB FOR MARY-KATE OLSEN? [Star]

The Fake-Outs: Mid-2007, before Britney was deemed an American Tragedy, she was on her way by tragically dating the poor man's David Blaine, Criss Angel. And photos of her blonde-weaved sunglasses-at-night self wearing a sparkler set the Britney-hungry gossips ablaze, only to disappoint us when no marriage plans surfaced. Another Bimbo Summit alum, Lindsay Lohan, was rumored to be on the soberific path towards married life with then-beau Harry Morton in 2006 after showing up to a premiere purposely placing a ring-adorned hand on her hip. But we all know how that union turned out. And the most recent and admittedly exciting engagement rumors were sparked after photographs of Kate Hudson wearing a real-life wedding band surfaced just as gossip started spreading that she and Owen Wilson were back on. But a major "D'oh!" was heard loud and clear after realizing Kate was filming this flick called Bride Wars and merely in character.

The Real Things: Beyonce Knowles started wearing massive diamonds on all her fingers ever since she could afford them, but the one she wore this January while sitting next to Jay-Z at a concert ended up being the engagement variety after all. And just days after being photographed candidly in her car with a new rock, Jessica Alba confirmed her engagement to the confusing man of mystery that is Cash Warren. As for Mariah Carey, poor girl sparked engagement rumors by publicly showing off her ring from Nick Cannon, only to learn soon after the actual wedding that it was recycled. Oops.

[Photo Credits: Fametastic, Showbiz Spy, Female First, Babble, Stupid Celebrities, Hollyscoop, Daily Mail]

• NOW CAMERON DIAZ FUELS ENGAGEMENT RUMORS AS SHE FLASHES HUGE SPARKLER ON HER WEDDING FINGER [Daily Mail]

Harrison Ford, Outed by Helen Mirren: "She considered him 'the nicest, sweetest guy you could want to meet. But he can't kiss - he finds it impossible to kiss on screen.' Then, she added: 'He's probably not very good off screen either. It's not just me - other actresses agree. Whenever we get chatting off screen and we get around to talking, we come to the same conclusion.'"

Jason Segal, Outed by Alyson Hannigan: "Alyson refused to kiss him or do any romantic scenes with him, because he smelled like smoke. He thanks her for forcing him to do that because now he not only smells better, he feels better as well."

Orlando Bloom, Outed by Keira Knightley: "Keira Knightley claims Johnny Depp is a better kisser than Orlando Bloom...When quizzed on who she thought was the best kisser out of the two actors, she told InStyle magazine: 'Johnny Depp certainly wasn't bad.' Despite Orlando's gushing praise for Keira's kissing technique, he did admit he found it 'peculiar.'"

Steve Carell, Outed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: "I just see Steve Carell's lips. 'So the bottom of a cat's paw - the soft supple part underneath - that's what Steve Carell's lips are like. But his tongue is like kitty cat litter. That's the physical experience.'"

Woody Allen, Outed by Helena Bonham Carter: "He tells you up front certain ways of kissing he does not want. No exchange of liquid is permitted. It can be a bit offensive because he makes no effort at all."

Angelina Jolie, Outed by James McAvoy: "I can tell you what it was like to kiss her on a film set: It was awkward, sweaty and not very nice."

Tom Cruise, Outed by Thandie Newton: "Kissing Tom Cruise was slightly icky and sort of wet. I'd really go home at the end of the day actually moaning about how hot it was and how many times we had to do it."

Victoria Beckham, Outed by Corey Haim: "She does this little grr gnaw thing that felt like a girl gnawing on your lip."

Sienna Miller, Outed by James Franco: "The British beauty's toothache made filming a nightmare. Franco admits filming the scene was far from enjoyable and had to be cut short when his co-star complained. He says, 'I think we kissed once in that film and it wasn't at all intense - there was no rolling around or anything. Sienna's molar was giving her pain so she called the dentist!'"

Leonardo DiCaprio, Outed by Virginie Ledoyen: "I think Leonardo is a nice guy. But I don't want him as a lover. There [was] no honest passion. No real sensitivity in our love scenes. In our underwater love scenes all I could think of was not drowning. I can't even remember his kiss."

[Photo credits: Getty, Wire Girl, Showbiz Spy, Renee Ashley Baker, NetGlimpse, Wireimage]

• JAMES MCAVOY: KISSING ANGELINA JOLIE WAS 'NOT VERY NICE' [ITW]

1. The World No Longer Wants Madonna's Sex: As we know by now, Lesbian Chic is the word. And despite her reputation as being so very salacious in the Erotica department, Madonna's on-stage kiss with her female backup dancer two months ago didn't cause much of a ripple in the pop culture universe. All the stunt really did was make Lourdes cry and finally learn what all those ladies were doing crawling in between Mommy's legs in the Ritchies' many life-size portraits hung prominently in each and every house they call home. Marrying Madonna should mean being one half of a super sexy barrier-crossing team — if Madge couldn't even compete with Lindsay Lohan in making lesbianism "cool," what is she doing for his stock?

2. Guy Ritchie Does Not Have Brad Pitt Penis Envy: Just as little Maddox put the nail in Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton's bloody coffin of a relationship, adopting the Ritchies' newest asset David from Malawi was allegedly not such a joyous occasion for Guy. After rumors surfaced that Ritchie wasn't on board, his public denials after the fact didn't do much to help squash the gossip. As he put it, "We don't talk about it. We haven't talked about it for the past six months." And somehow we doubt Guy will be yammering on and on about his legally adopted son David for the foreseeable future either.

3. Madonna Officially Swept Away Guy's Filmmaking Cred: After pulling a Gwyneth in 2006 and "giving up" that whole showbiz career, the Desperately Seeking Susan scene-stealer spent years trying to figure out, Her Madgesty not-so-memorably spread her directing wings for this year's Berlin Film Festival disaster, Filth And Wisdom. And even after THR noted its sole saving grace was assisting audience members with "getting in touch with their inner slut," Madonna just announced last week how much she prefers unloading bombs like these to shimmying around stages. But when you're dating the likes of former BAFTA nominee Ritchie, whose highly stylized gems have managed to make Brad Pitt look funny and indecipherable dialogue feel tolerable, the battle between Guy's talent and Madonna's indestructible ego is enough to make anyone run for the hills. The silver lining? Madge will no longer singlehandedly wreck any more of Ritchie's films by testing out her accents on-screen.

• MADONNA AND GUY 'DISCUSS SPLIT AS SEVEN-YEAR MARRIAGE HITS ROCK BOTTOM' [Daily Mail]

Christopher Ciccone, Life With My Sister Madonna, Summer 2008: As the NY Post reports today, Madonna’s estranged gay brother has rushed out a “brutal” tell-all about growing up with the promiscuous and outspoken runaway, and we need only wait til next month to read the gruesome details: “’It's extremely graphic and devastating,’ said a source who declined to give details. ‘He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it.’”
Donna Hogan, Train Wreck, 2007: Taking greedy advantage of sister Anna Nicole’s tragic and sudden death, Hogan’s aim seemed to be pure fame and cash. Portraying Anna as a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs all over television and in interviews, Hogan wound up looking like, and admitting to, being a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs. Well done.
Vernon Winfrey, Things Unspoken, Unreleased: Though Oprah-fearing publishers have yet to offer Winfrey’s father a deal, excerpts from the manuscript painted a much-maligned and hateful picture of the rags-to-riches billionaire’s childhood: “Children need roots and limits and discipline. (And I don't mean time in time out. I mean the rod of correction, swung hard and often.)...Our daughter was out of hand, an unruly child...she stayed out all times of night and lied regarding her whereabouts, said she made herself known to boys.”

J.R. Watkins, Cleaning Out My Closet, 2002: Though not technically related to Eminem, Jenny Watkins was a close friend of the rapper and on-and-off wife Kim during his highest heights — and by high, we mean Jenny spends page after page discussing both Em’s and Kim’s drug use. From coke binges to Xanax addictions, Watkins portrays the couple as the modern-day Sid and Nancy with chapter titles like “Tossed Aside Like Garbage,” “Kim And Drugs,” and “White Trash.”
Nancy Aniston, From Mother And Daughter To Friends, 1999: One of the more depressing stories, Nancy reportedly mocked Jennifer’s appearance before she got the nose job and the big break, tried to reconcile once she did , but eventually took the low road by publishing this intimate book about Jen’s tumultuous childhood. The outcome? The two remain estranged, and in a public display of Aniston’s anger, she did not invite Nancy to her big, beautiful and doomed wedding to Brad Pitt the next year.

[Photo credit: OK!]

• LYNNE SPEARS'S MEMOIR SET FOR FALL RELEASE [People]

Facts of Life, 1979-88: The Eastland School
With character names like Tootie, Blair and Sue Ann, a token Poor But Smart Black Student from the Bronx, and plot lines involving housemothers dishing out advice to sex-crazed pre-teens and spoiled kids from New York, NBC’s spin-off of Diff’rent Strokes actually portrayed life at boarding school as close to reality as we’ve seen on television. Especially considering the long-running show’s depiction of various characters’ adult lives in the final season: one ends up in New York banging a guy named Snake, and another is banging a “musician” named Rick. If boarding school teaches girls one thing, it’s that pansy pop-collared preppy boys do not a proper sex life make.

Zoey 101, 2005-present: Pacific Coast Academy
Possibly the most off-the-mark vision of boarding school ever portrayed on TV, the Juno Lynn Spears-starring, California-set Nickelodeon “comedy” gets it wrong in oh so many ways, and allow us to count just a few samples: boarding school girls do not have trashy highlights, boarding school boys do not wear muscle tees, boarding school kids pop Adderall and fly cocaine in using their dad’s private jet rather than sipping “energy drinks” for adrenaline, and most importantly, boarding school is not “funny.”

Breaker High, 1998-99: Breaker High
Oh dear. Falling somewhere in between Facts and Zoey, this UPN bomb took place on, yes, a cruise ship. What sounds like one idiotic producer's idea to use this format in order to implement exotic locales and the darndest things foreigners say is simply, just...no. But! In one episode, all the classmates get Hepatitis-A. This sounds right — STDs and illnesses both expertly faked or intentionally caused in order to skip class and sleep off hangovers at the infirmary is pretty rampant at the real deals. Plus, Ryan Gosling was in it! As a “missing member of the brat pack” who conned bitchy girls! Far too many of these exist from Andover to Exeter and every country club campus in between.

[Photo credits: TV.com, Nick.com, Fortune City]

• 'GOSSIP GIRL' PRODUCERS EYE SPIN-OFF [THR]

We didn’t think it was possible, but the insanely dateable John Krasinski is not looking so hot these days. Due to an upcoming role in the Sam Mendes-directed Farlanders, John is sporting a nasty beard that resembles something one of the Geico cavemen would wear. And while we’d never judge an actor for tossing out their razors for months for the sake of their craft, this terrible beard inspired us to take a look back at the most cringeworthy facial hair in cinematic history. From one actor’s frizzy salt-and-pepper rat's nest to one mustache’s journey inside another man’s taint, our top five lie after the jump:

Though most Napoleon Dynamite obsessives instinctively recall that Napoleon envied Pedro's ability to quickly grow a mustache, we were far more grossed out by Kip Dynamite's stringy gelled strip. As for Daniel Day Lewis' portrayal of Bill the Butcher in Gangs Of New York, his Dali 'stache served to heighten the character's intimidation factor. And of course, there was poor Tom Hanks, whose Castaway role forced him to grow out a tangled mess of curls covering his entire mug. Though really, we feel sorrier for wife Rita Wilson. Shudder.

Insisting for months that he would only appear as Borat in public and during interviews, jet-black puffy 'stache and all, Sacha Baron Cohen claims he "woke up one morning and was quite hung over, and I accidentally shaved my mustache off.". But topping our list of the most horrendous facial hair grown for a movie role is the most tragic tale of all. After spending months growing out a woolly, scraggly beard for a role in Darren Aronofsky's sci-fi bomb The Fountain, Brad Pitt abruptly quit the picture and started work on another bomb, Troy. Rumors that Brad just couldn't jibe with Aronofsky's script abounded, but some suspected he just couldn't stand sporting that greasy uncomfortable mop on his face for so long.

• A FEW OF THE 'OFFICE' CAST AT THE NBC UPFRONTS [ONTD]

5. Woody Harrelson: In the 2006 case of TMZ v. Woody Harrelson, the buns-of-steel actor became so infuriated by one of Harvey Levin's minions that he went so far as to strangle the pap and destroy his camera. The only funny part of this story? The LAPD allegedly took Woody's side, continuing the longtime tradition of starry-eyed feds' celebrity worship trumping any reason to reprimand law-breaking stars.

4. Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake: Cameron Diaz has a rep for despising the photographers, most recently telling W that she's planning a move to New York just to escape their clutches. But back in 2004 when Diaz was still in lurve with Timberlake, the pair grew so fed up that they managed to grab one pap's camera and run off with it. Too bad their attempts to sue were accompanied by visual evidence of an angry-looking Cam doing the deed.

3: Sean Penn: While in China shooting Shanghai Surprise, Penn's legendary decision to hang a photographer found in his hotel room from a nine-story balcony marked the beginning of the celebrities v. photographers war, primarily because all charges stemming from his arrest for murder were dropped, inspiring future stars to confidently follow in his footsteps.

2. Bjork:

A few years back, Bjork famously flipped out at a New Zealand airport after paps ignored her companion's requests to stop taking pictures. Bjork's reaction? The pap claims she decided to suddenly claw at and rip his shirt. And yet, after this, we somehow love her even more.

1. Britney SpearsAnd our all-time favorite paparazzi scuffle occurred on that fateful night of February 21, when newly bald Britney spontaneously unleashed her fury by abusing an SUV and several photographers using two weapons: an umbrella, and the scariest facial expression we've ever seen. Clearly, Sienna has a few things to learn from Britney.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, X17, TMZ]

• SIENNA'S PAPARAZZI RAGE: MISS MILLER ATTACKS PHOTOGRAPHER WITH HER HANDBAG [Daily Mail]

5. Kim Kardashian: Losing ties with Paris didn't hurt Kardashian, mainly due to public interest in her gravity-defying behind, which has since landed her family a reality show and herself an endorsement deal with Bongo.

4. Jessica Simpson:: All that exercising in preparation for her role as Daisy Duke may not have given her any acting cred, but it make her butt worthy of filling out the trashtastic shorts of legend.

3. Jennifer Lopez: What Diddy likes, we like.

2. Jessica Alba: Not an Alba bikini photo crosses our screen without a dash of immediate regret on our part for not going to the nearest 7:30am pilates session that morning.

1. Jessica Biel: Well, sometimes photos simply speak for themselves.

[Photo Credits: CelebNewsWire, Red Reporter, TalkStink, Gag Report, Publisher's Weekly]

• CHRISTINA RICCI: I WANT JESSICA BIEL'S BUTT [People]

5. Taxi Driver: As much as we wanted Iris to get out of the game, we kinda loved imagining New York as a place where you could wander downtown and see girls wearing neon short shorts and big straw hats who looked like Jodie. And, as we all know by now, Spitzer likes 'em young.
4. Monster: No, she wasn't pretty. But she had a fondness for shooting pervs, something we might have considered had they come in the form of her johns. Strictly a cautionary tale for the former governor.
3. Indecent Proposal: We still can't figure out what was so sad about having Woody Harrelson for a husband, Robert Redford as a one-night fling, and $1 mil in the bank. All that time Demi spent crying would have better spent in the sack with either guy. She might be too pricey for Spitzer, though.

2. American Gigolo: With politics no longer looking like a viable career option, we think that Spitzer could learn a thing or two from the way that Julian sauntered through LA as though he owned it. Not only did he make the whole male escort thing look fun, he had the best wardrobe in the city.

1. Pretty Woman: The Porsche that Julia Roberts drove wasn't the only thing that cornered on rails. Go west, young governor, go west!

[Photo Credits: Love To Know, Wild About Movies, EZ Entertainment, Moldy Doily, Taittinger]

• STARS CAUGHT WITH HOOKERS [Us]

5. Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett: After only three weeks of courtship following their first meeting on the set of The Player, the crooner managed to tie the knot with the Pretty Woman. But all the flack Julia received for falling in the sack with such an odd-looking, unknown duck wasn't the least bit worth it; their 1993 wedding turned into a 1995 separation, leaving Jules looking just this side of desperate.

4. Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn: Speaking of desperate, the weeklies' favorite pity princess was still grieving or whatever over the loss of Brad to Angelina, and her are-they-or-aren't-they "relationship" with Vince Vaughn on the set of The Breakup just made her look even more pity-worthy after Vaughn's repetitive, close-to-insulting denials to the press.

3. Angelina Jolie and Billy-Bob Thornton: Embarrassing enough as it is to get dumped by someone like Billy Bob, it was his alleged reasoning that made this breakup particularly gruesome. According to countless reports, Thornton just didn't feel like being a dad to Angie's little bundle of joy Maddox. However, the outcome (Chosen One! Brad Pitt!) was hardly anything to frown about.

2. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck: Gigli. We're sorry, that's really all there is to say.

1. Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe: Talk about losing a rock solid reputation; America's sweetheart, married to a classic hunk (with a cute kid to boot!), ran off with the (then) Australian lothario while filming Proof Of Life in 2000. The results? Out with the marriage and the good girl cred, on with the racy movies and trout pout. Disaster.

• TOP 25 HOTTEST ON-SET HOOKUPS [AOL Movies]

1. Zach Braff: Conquests include Drew Barrymore, Shiri Appleby, Sarah Chalke, Mandy Moore, Bonnie Somerville and Kirsten Dunst.

2. Brandon Davis: Hit it (and subsequently quit it) with Mischa Barton, model Caroline Vreeland, Miranda Kerr, Harrod's heiress Camilla Al Fayed and model Cheyenne Tozzi.

3. Cisco Adler: Dating history includes Mischa Barton, Kimberly Stewart and Lauren Conrad.

4. Dax Shepard: Rumoured to have slept with Kate Hudson, Kirsten Bell, Tara Lipinski and Ione Skye.

5. Marilyn Manson: Got biblical with Dita Von Teese, Evan Rachel Wood, Rose McGowan and Jenna Jameson.

[Source: Who's Dated Who]

• HOW DOES ZACH BRAFF BAG HOT CHICKS? [ONTD]

7. Ellen Page: On the biggest night of her short career, we're happy she didn't go with jeans, but couldn't she have gone one step up on the glamour meter?
6. Jennifer Hudson: Not quite as bad as last year's python-y jacket combo, but can't she keep those funbags from attacking us on sight?
5. Marlee Matlin: Just eh, you know? Stiff tube dress in black and white? Go for pizazz to match the personality!

4. Diablo Cody: Oh dear. The diamond collar, the leopard print, the visible tattoos. Kudos for daring Academy members to Take Notice and all, but an animal print dress will always be an animal print dress: tackiness exemplified.
3. Sissy Spacek: Sissy isn't yet old enough to require Oprah-esque jacket cover-ups. We suspect those arms of hers are toned enough to show off.
2. Tilda Swinton: Like Cate Blanchett, Tilda likes taking fashion risks. But a velvety black curtain paired with barely-there makeup? New addition to the Addams Family.

1. Faye Dunaway: Reminiscent of Cher and Barbara Streisand at their most bizarre, we at least give her credit for not flashing her tush.

10. Cate Blanchett, who pretty much picked the most stunning maternity dress we've seen since Kate (excuse us! Katie!) decked herself out in Versace and Dolce while carrying the mysteriously conceived Suri.
9. Heidi Klum in Galliano, who managed to make popped collars look glamorous.
8. Katherine Heigl,whose one-strap gown was the most perfect red for a blonde with aggro issues.

7. Amy Adams in Proenza Schouler, whose bustier top made us forget that innocent twang she's perfected in interviews altogether.
6. Calista Flockhart, whose billowy gray and white gown officially erased those OMG SHE'S SO EFFING SKINNY pics of yore from our memory.
5. Cameron Diaz in Dior, who we'll now forgive for that controversial Valentino extravaganza she waltzed through last Oscars in to unsuccessfully make Justin Timberlake regret his dumpage.

4. Jessica Alba, who never really looks bad, but finally figured out a way to tell Hollywood to take her seriously.
3. Kelly Preston in Roberto Cavalli, who we think may have finally turned Johnny T. straight by looking 20 years younger tonight.
2. Keri Russell in Nina Ricci, whose baby weight has disappeared faster than it took to deliver the damn thing.

1. Penelope Cruz:Because of its sheer and utter flawlessness.

7. Skinny Acid-Washed Jeans, Trainspotting, 1996: Sadly, the men-in-skinny-jeans trend has resurfaced and found a permanent spot in post-millenial fashion history, but Mark and his fellow addicts managed to suck all the "chic" out of "heroin chic."

6. Black Leather Trenches, The Matrix, 1999: We never thought one item of clothing could completely destroy Keanu Reeves' sex appeal, but those stiff leather trenches he wore in the future effectively inspired high-school lunatics and killed girl wood on sight.

5. Tighty Whities, Risky Business, 1983: Oh dear. Strange how the singing-in-tighty-whities scene has quiety morphed from a legendary hot moment in movie history to a completely sexless farce now that Tom has laughed maniacally one too many times.

4. Excessively Visible Chest-Hair, Scarface, 1983: Tony's tiny little butt-hugging suits weren't horrendous, but his decision to make them neck-plunging was. With collars unbuttoned down to his heaving bosoms, we felt like we were being cinematically strangled with Cuban chest hair.

3. Flannel Shirts and Pedro 'Staches, Clerks, 1994: There are only two men in history who could pull off the grunge look without looking like homeless hipsters, and they were Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder. However cute and funny you thought Dante was, he still had stains on his faded jeans and holes in his flannels.

2. Codpieces, A Clockwork Orange, 1971: We didn't exactly think Malcolm McDowell and his droogs looked unsexy in their codpieces and top hats, but we're certainly glad men in the 70s waited til Tony Manero danced his way into their closets before picking a solid style icon.

1. Bondage Gear, Edward Scissorhands, 1990: Even Johnny Depp couldn't manage to make Edward's S&M-inspired leather suit a trendy little number. And even though one could argue his cakey make-up and tangled hair led the goth movement into fashion spreads, we're just glad our boyfriends never showed up wearing a patent leather turtleneck.

• 50 FILMS THAT INFLUENCED MEN'S STYLE [Men's Vogue]

Top ten smartest shows of all time (in no particular order):

1. M*A*S*H
2. Cosmos (with Carl Sagan)
3. CSI
4. House
5. West Wing
6. Boston Legal
7. All in the Family
8. Frasier
9. Mad About You
10. Jeopardy

Your thirst for lists of TV shows grouped by virtue not fully quenched? For a nice contrast, we refer you now to EW's 20 Most Appalling TV Shows Ever. Admittedly the task was an easier one, but, in our estimation, their curatorship of the greatest armageddon-hastening popular entertainments proved far more successful than its four-eyed counterpart. That is, with the exception of #3, Kid Nation. They dismiss the CBS reality experiment as child exploitation, but fans know it was so much more: Nothing less than the birth of the next metropolis, grown from virtually nothing into greatness by fearless leader Jared's brilliant manipulation of a saltwater-taffy-based economy. The full Appalling list follows:

Moment of Truth
Jail
Kid Nation
Britney and Kevin: Chaotic / Hey Paula!
The Anna Nicole Smith Show
The Swan / I Want a Famous Face
Temptation Island
Cheaters
Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love 2, Flavor of Love 3, I Love New York, and I Love New York 2
Keeping Up With the Kardashians / The Bad Girls Club
Shows centered around the concept of ''millionaires''
Wife Swap / Trading Spouses: Meet Your New Mommy
Chains of Love
Big Brother / The Real World
The Simple Life
My Super Sweet 16
MTV's Entire Programming Slate
The Littlest Groom / Age of Love
The Bachelor
The Jerry Springer Show

• Exclusive: MENSA Chair Picks The 10 Smartest TV Shows Of All Time [Fancast]
• 20 Most Appalling TV Shows Ever [EW]

Yeah, we didn't think so either. But hey, it combines two pop culture moments from 2007, which is about as much as a Friedberg and Seltzer joke can hope to achieve. So while we have no official plans to see this movie (like EVER!), we put together a list of five moments we THINK will be included and five moments that we HOPE will be included in the sure-to-be-durst Meet The Spartans.

We think we'll see:
1. Miss South Carolina Teen USA, Caitlin "Such As" Upton
2. Soulja Boy's "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" dance (possibly performed by the cast of Hairspray)
3. Superbad's McLovin
4. First Amendment crusader Andrew "Don't Tase Me Bro!" Meyer
5. The Sopranos' ending

We'd like to see:
1. A send-up of the crazies Ben Foster played in Alpha Dog and 3:10 to Yuma, possibly played by Ben Foster himself
2. A Wild Hogs parody starring Stuntman Mike, Anton Chigurh, Chris Benoit and Tracy Morgan
3. A Black Snake Moan spoof where the Samuel L. Jackson role is played by Ted Danson in blackface (because Ted Danson in blackface is always good for a laugh)
4. A bit where Gary Busey keeps walking into the frame and interrupting Atonement's 5-minute tracking shot
5. Parodies of Hotel Chevalier and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, with the role of Natalie Portman played by Freddie Highmore

Will Leitch is the editor of Deadspin, our sister sports site, and his book God Save The Fan is now available at bookstores everywhere. He makes a cameo appearance here today to discuss how athletes could become better actors.

But I'm looking for something more epic; I'm looking for a total reinvention by a name director, an otherwise untrained, unskilled athlete being coaxed into an affecting performance by one of our great masters, a la Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love or Courtney Love in The People Vs. Larry Flynt. In honor of this curious conceit I've just created, here's five athlete-director combos I think might just work.

Cameron Crowe: Tom Brady
He's a handsome, self-involved hugely successful football player who learns, after impregnating a third supermodel, that his life is empty of any true meaning. He quits the team and coaches a Pop Warner team with the help of a wacky former teammate (Tracy Morgan) and a beautiful, troubled past-her-prime sideline reporter (Rene Russo) who teaches him how to love.

Quentin Tarantino: Joe Namath
Retired playboy athlete, after discovering his football pension has run out, organizes a heist to swipe an ancient sword from a pack of angry ninjas (led by Yao Ming and Tracy Morgan). With Samuel L. Jackson as the piano player; features septegenarian nudity.

John Waters: John Amaechi.
In a callback to his anything-goes does of Baltimore yore, Waters pens this tale of a gay basketball player who teams up with a bigoted former teammate (Tracy Morgan) to put on a cross-dressing musical that shocks a staid mid-50s suburban community. Ends with both teammates eating dog excrement.

Richard Kelly: Serena Williams.
In the Not Too Distant future, a roaming band of mercenaries, led by a laboratory-created superhuman being (Williams), attempt to take down a corrupt Orwellian government led by a former professional wrestler (Tracy Morgan) and world-wide renowned porn star (Nora Dunn). In a landmark use of viral marketing, all theaters will be instructed to show film with reels in randomly selected order, assuring the film will make as much sense as if it were in the correct order.

Uwe Boll: Matt Leinart
Ancient Medieval Lord (Burt Reynolds) teams with his son (Leinart) on an epic journey to escape a maze and eat tiny pellets while being chased by large, multicolored ghosts. Screenplay by Tracy Morgan.

As that young rapscallion David Letterman discovered long ago, Top 10 lists are gold! Everybody loves lists! And what's the only thing better than one long list? Yep, you guessed it, ten smaller ones! When the "AFI's 10 Top 10" special debuts in June, our long national nightmare of not knowing which films to add to our Blu-Ray collection will finally come to an end. They will be awarding prizes in the categories of animation, fantasy, science fiction, gangster, Western, sports, romantic comedy, courtroom drama (come on, Star Chamber!), mystery and epic film genres. But what we're REALLY excited for is next year's special, which is set to include the categories of volcano movies, body switch flicks, fish out of water tales and cop-and-K9 pictures. Set your TiVos, people!

• AFI's '100 Years' focusing on genres [VARIETY]

7) Hyde - Because NOBODY goes there anymore.
6) The library - No, not The Library Bar. We mean an actual library. You know, the place with card catalogs?
5) Daycare - Clearly Sean Preston and Jayden James have ample time to bite each other at home.
4) Cedars-Sinai Hospital - That was last weekend.
3) NA Meetings - Just because she (allegedly) spends $13,000 a week on drugs doesn't mean she has a problem!
2) The Golden Globes - Then again, Ben Silverman's gotta get TRPs somehow...
1) Dr. Phil's house - Obvs.

[Photo Credit: X17]

7) Katie Holmes in New York City Marathon - No bra? No WAY! Whatever she's sellin', we're not buyin'.
6) Angelina Jolie in Beowulf - Digital bazooms aside, the choice to resurrect her dreadful Russian accent from Oliver Stone's Alexander made us cringe in all three dimensions.
5) Rachel Weisz in Fred Claus - Only a schlubby hack like David Dobkin would cast this impossibly fair-skinned Brit to play the role of a Chicago metermaid who falls hopelessly for the slovenly, unshaven older brother of Santa Claus.
4) Jessica Simpson in Blonde Ambition - Her rack got better support last year than this movie's theatrical release (opening weekend = $1,190)!
3) Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four 2 - We actually never got around to seeing this, but only a colorblind infant would buy those horrendous blue contacts!
2) Claire Danes' eyebrows in Stardust - Most distracting eyebrows since Simon Baker's in The Devil Wears Prada.
1) Ellen Degeneres in Iggygate - We believed her more when she pretended to be straight.

• The Best And Worst Of 2007 [Moviefone via Gawker]