Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff: As silly, catty and pointless as the battle for waste of space Aaron Carter was back in 2003, freckle-faced Lindsay Lohan and healthy Hilary Duff spent years exchanging passive-aggressive jabs aimed at each other via bad songs, magazine interviews, and of course, endless false claims that things were Totally Cool! between the two. The feud was memorably spoofed in this 2004 SNL clip in which Lindsay assures the world there's no truth to her feuds with Duff (as portrayed by Rachel Dratch).

Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag: After spending a few shameful years with our eyes glued to the insanely gorgeous cast of MTV's Laguna Beach, the series ended its wildly successful run with a focus on the brewing animosity between good girl LC and bad girl with bigger boobs Kristin Cavallari. Over an irritatingly boring boy, of course. But Lauren Conrad's girl trouble didn't stop there. Along with the rumored cat pee-based tension between Lauren and silicone-enhanced roommate Audrina Patridge on The Hills, the entire point of the show has always circled around her hatred of hip hop star/runaway bride of Frankenstein, Heidi Montag. High-pitched screaming fights both seen on-camera and gossiped about endlessly off-camera, have been reported for what feels like centuries. And yet, and yet...how to look away?

Shannen Doherty v. Entire Beverly Hills: 90210 Cast: Doherty landed the career-changing part of Brenda Walsh in 1990 at the age of 19, and almost as soon as the epic series wrapped its first few episodes, rumors were rampant that her on-screen catty demeanor was not a result of magnificent acting. After just four years, Brenda’s character was shipped off to Paris and replaced by the sexier Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Why? Long story short, Doherty made a series of bizarre decisions off-camera: trashing hotel rooms, adding two quickie marriages followed by two quickie divorces to her personal resume, giving paparazzi the bird, and most memorably, appearing in uncomfortably unsexy nudie spreads in Playboy.

• DISNEY STAR SELENA GOMEZ: I'M NOT FEUDING WITH MILEY [People]

But no. Instead, the cable geniuses have reportedly chosen the world’s slowest speaking zombie, Whitney Port, to launch her pretty little head into “bicoastal living.” The fascinating premise, plus what the other cast members have to say, after the jump.

In an effort to make bowling "cool" again, clever marketers at Strike's Bowling Alley invited the Hills cast and those lovable nuts from The Real Housewives Of Orange County to walk the red carpet at their new opening last night. And when queen bee Lauren Conrad was asked how she thought Whitney would fare, she gave her rehearsed answer of "Sure thing! Love Whitney! Yay blondes!" But when the maybe-star in question was prodded, Port said "The whole thing just sounds a little scary because I like to keep things private." Yes, Whitney — which is why you have appeared on three seasons of a major cable network's reality show, befriended every socialite from New York to LA, and are, ahem, appearing on a red carpet as you say these words. We take it back: Dumb blondes of this variety never fail to entertain.

• LAUREN CONRAD: WHITNEY PORT WILL DO WELL WITH 'HILLS' SPIN-OFF [Us]

1) Cheese Is Yum, But May Put Junk In Your Trunk!: As sidekick Lo notes, eating a whole bunch of cheese at once feels good. It tastes good, tends to be difficult to stop eating, and makes you smile. But! After making the decision to eat an entire chunk in one sitting, we learn that the act “is not gonna be good for my behind.” Duly noted.

2. How To Get Ahead By Getting Wasted!: As we know by now, Heidi Montag will do just about everything in her power to maintain her position as the youngest PR whiz in history (also known as the token office blonde, a la Cerie Xerox on 30 Rock), but Heidi's youth gifts her with the ability to drink on the job. And Methanie's response, naturally? "Working with drinks, that sounds real legit!"

3. How To Silence Those Pesky Voices In Your Head!: As the Pratt spawns ride along this road called life (aka the 101), the unblinking Spencer suddenly begins "Shush!"ing no one in particular. After Methanie reminds him that "you don't have to shush me when I'm not talking," he continues to do just that. Which leads us to the single most satisfying epiphany we've come to all season: Spencer is not just a slimy slut, but a slimy schizo!

• THE HILLS [MTV]

She was crying her eyes out the other night, upset over a fight she had with her girlfriend Sam Ronson, who was deejaying. "They had a full-blown fight”...Lindsay kept wiping her tears.

And who of all people was there to comfort the mink-stealing minx? The very same Hills star seen downing shots of tequila with Lohan just last week...

According to the NY Post, Lindsay was playing the role of groupie to her domestic partner Samantha Ronson during a gig at Crown Bar, but for unknown reasons, things went south and Lindsay left the bar in tears. Misty whiskey-colored memories of the days before rehab, indeed. But in a strange twist, The Hills very wise queen bee Lauren Conrad was there to soothe the sobs. One can only hope that MTV's camera crews were following LC around that night and captured the action. And, after some of her recent issues, Lindsay sure could use the paycheck.

• FEELING LO [NY Post]
• SURVEILLANCE [NYDN]

2. Puppies Are Cutest When Their Eyes Match Yours! After frenemies Audrina and Lauren adopt a brand new trendy Boggle (that's half boxer, half beagle to those of you out there who aren't cool enough to like, know already) to never take care of, Lauren notes how awesome it is when your puppy's eyes are the same color as yours! You know what else is awesome? The fact that this Boggle marks the third appearance of a puppy lovingly adored in the show's history, the first two having made their lovey dovey debuts briefly during the first season, never to be heard from or seen again. Are these poor things actor pets? Like Eddie on Frasier?

3. Guaranteed Way To Make Girls Leave A Room! Simple! First, repeat "La, la, la, la, la, la" in a flat monotone while simultaneously rolling your eyes. Second step? Be. Spencer. Pratt. In fact, scratch that. All one needs to do is Be. Spencer. Pratt.

• THE HILLS [MTV]

• WATCH VIDEO

• WATCH VIDEO

• WATCH VIDEO

As the NY Post reports today, Audrina has taken to locking her bedroom door whenever she leaves the apartment she shares with Lauren because the show's leading lady isn't to be trusted. Worse yet, sources say Lauren's cats are far from house-trained, and Audrina "gets really annoyed at Lauren's cats because they pee on her rug and on her bed." Which really helps explain Audrina's oddly effervescent tan, no? But the real whopper comes in the form of a NY Daily News blind item today: "Which show keeps its dim-witted if ultra-popular 'reality' stars peppy with Adderall supplied by a producer in handfuls between scenes?" Though we suspect good girl Whitney has been steering clear of anything "peppy," daily doses of Adderall go a long way to explain Spencer's uber-scary ability to go entire scenes without blinking.

• ROOMIE ROW [NY Post]
• NEW YORK MINUTE [Gatecrasher]

• WATCH VIDEO

As Audrina explains on her MySpace page, "I was naive, overly trusting of people and inexperienced. I thought that to be a model you had to be comfortable in front of the camera. I'm not ashamed of these photos, but I don't want my young fans to think they have to do what I did." Hold on...Audrina was a model? Five years ago? Girl is 22, meaning these pics were taken when she was a very Amanda Dupre-esque 17 years old. If the photos were indeed intended for Playboy doesn't that mean Hef should have a whopper of a lawsuit on his hands? More importantly, when we first met the Chicklet-toothed Audrina on Season One of The Hills, she was working a desk job at some record company, and last time we tuned in, still was. Could it really be possible that (gasp!) all the fill-in "friends" on Lauren Conrad's heavily staged show are (no! way!) just wannabe actors? We haven't been this shocked and saddened by news from the Hollywood underworld since hearing those glamour shots of Heidi and Spencer were set-ups.

• AUDRINA BLOGS ABOUT HER TOPLESS PHOTO SHOOT [People]
• AUDRINA PATRIDGE MYSPACE PAGE [MySpace]

Still, you can't expect him to do the necessary homework, as became painfully obvious grilling The Hills star L.C. Conrad last night about her career accomplishments. Armed with only a 5x7 cue card bearing topical keywords ("Laguna," "Spencer," "Teen Vogue," "Frenemies," etc.), Letterman fumbled through the dialogue like an ornery convention attendee desperately trying to find common ground with the three-diamond escort/aspiring stylist whose services he'd secured for the night.

• Late Show

As Alli Sims learned after toiling after Britney Spears during her freakiest freakouts, hanging out with a star when they're at the height of their press coverage is good for business. After leaving Britney in the dust, Alli sold her story to Us and, according to her site, plans on launching her very own pop career. For all five of you who got hooked on Newlyweds, the name Cacee Cobb will ring a bell; she was Jessica Simpson's equally dim-witted personal assistant. After parting ways with Jess, she hooked up with Scrubs' Donald Faison, ensuring constant press coverage. And the ultimate BFF-to-star story comes in the form of The Hills' Heidi Montag, who's become arguably bigger than the show's "star," Lauren Conrad, and will soon release an album (which we will soon mock).
So come on down to parisbff.com! Where reality fame and half-naked spreads in Stuff gloriously await.

• MTV GREENLIGHTS HILTON REALITY SERIES [THR]
• WHO WANTS TO BE PARIS HILTON'S NEW BEST FRIEND? [Yahoo]

As reality TV star Lauren Conrad brilliantly illustrates, the best part of fame and celebrity might just be knowing that you're allowed to dress like Mrs. Roper from Three's Company and still considered to be "fashion forward."

[Photo Credit: Bauer Griffin]