boomp3.com



Sometimes rapper/sometimes actor Kevin Federline offered up a rave review of the in-flight entertainment after deplaning in Miami. K-Fed was surprised that the airplane would have first run movies like Step Up 2 The Streets and 10,000 BC. K-Fed said, "As a dad, I don't get to go out to movies too often. It's either, I'm just kicking back with the kids, watching Yo Gabba Gabba! or I'm jetting off to a night club in La Puente to do an appearance. It was nice to just sit back, throw on some head phones and catch up with high quality cinema." Federline was looking forward to his flight back to Los Angeles because he heard that they were going to show Horton Hears A Who.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In today's installment: Britney Spears, Jeremy Piven, Paris Hilton, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Luke Wilson, David Beckham, Dennis Hopper, Gwen Stefani, Cuba Gooding Jr., Jeff Goldblum, Zooey Deschanel, Rainn Wilson, Giovanni Ribisi, Judy Greer, Phil Spector, Kevin Federline, Morgan Spurlock, Kristen Chenoweth, Judy Greer, Cloris Leachman, John Slattery, Emma Stone, Bijou Philips, Jane Lynch, Dean Cain, John Corbett, Paul Scheer, and more.

SATURDAY, MAY 24
While surrounded by Brody Jenner-looking date
rapists at Happy Endings, I spotted a welcomed sight: Seth Morris, Owen Burke, and Paul Scheer. Joined by a bunch of other UCB comic types upstairs in the corner and looking almost as out of place as me.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
Saw Cloris Leachman at the Aqua Lounge watching Jeff Goldblum and his band play some jazz standards. Jeff's pretty talented on the keyboard, but the group as a whole made me feel like I was at someone's wedding.

Wednesday afternoon, my friend and I are having our usually mid-week lunch time phone conversation. In mid-conversation he gasps and tells me that he is at Chipotle in BH and David Beckham has just walked in. No f''ing way! David F'ing Beckham in Chipotle! BTW - what's up with that family and Mexican food? Just wish I could get shot in person of David's burrito! hehe

FRIDAY, JUNE 6
Vince Vaughn at the Greek Theatre for A Prairie Home Companion on June 6. Thinking he's a Garrison Keillor fan definitely makes me like him a little more.

Driving on Ledgewood in Hollywoodland today, I saw Phil Spector driving a Mercedes convertible, wearing that crazy giant curly fright wig he dropped in favor of the lesbian pageboy thing he wore in court. He wears it while driving a convertible! How the hell do you bolt that on?

Cuba Gooding Jr. with 2 friends eating sushi at Hana Sushi in Brentwood. He was a lot smaller than I thought he would be and was definately enjoying his wine. He was nice to everyone that came up and talked with him. He was abnormally excited about going to Q's (the pool bar next door). Oh wait, it was beer pong night. I'd be excited too!

SUNDAY, JUNE 8
Judy Greer (aka Kitty from Arrested Development) spotted Friday night at St Nick's Pub on 3rd st, sitting in a booth with friends. Had to stop myself from making a George Bluth reference.

MONDAY, JUNE 9
I love the show Mad Men, so what a thrill to spot Sterling Cooper honcho John Slattery getting his caffeine on at the Starbucks on Main Street in Santa Monica.

TUESDAY, JUNE 10
Former TV Superman Dean Cain swooping down into Beverly Hills for some shopping at Tom's Toys on Beverly Drive.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12
Saw John Corbett at LAX on Thursday. T-shirt, jeans, boots, with tinted Ray-Bans at the Hudson Books. Tall with a paunch that looks just right on him. Looks like a very hip carpenter. No one seemed to notice him even though he's a pretty big dude.

At the Palms in Vegas for a little work and a little fun, CineVegas is happening. I caught the opening night film, The Rocker, and went to the after party at Moon and the cast was there. Emma Stone is stunning in person, her waist is teeny and her skin is all Hollywood teen glow, she was hanging out with who I think was her mom. Jane Lynch was in a cool 50's style dress with pockets, lady is tall and very animated when she talks. Open bar here is a dangerous thing.

I was having dinner at the Mel's on Sunset Blvd. across from Ketchup. As me and my boyfriend got up to leave, I heard an easily recognizable voice. I look down and sitting at a booth with a couple of her friends was the star of Broadway's Wicked and ABC's Pushing Daisies, Kristin Chenoweth. She looked adorable as ever!

FRIDAY, JUNE 13
Around 8 am, I passed the front desk at The Palms and saw Dennis Hopper talking to who I assume was his assistant. He looks good for an older guy, white hair, sharply dressed, short and holding onto a bottle of water. I then head to the elevator and walk past Rainn Wilson in red wayfarers and a golf shirt, he's tall and funny looking, the same as one would imagine. Seemed like he had a long night and was asking where the Coffee Bean was. Later in the day, Bill Pullman came through the casino in a navy blazer, he stopped and took photos with people. There was a CineVegas anniversary party at the Palms Place pool. Hopper, George Maloof and tons of people were there including some guy with a cat perched on his shoulder and Britney Spears. She was seated in a cabana with a velvet rope in front of it where two HUGE security guys minded her and a few friends. She was in a black cocktail dress and sat sipping her drink and was surprisingly pretty. The fake tan didn't look so fake and she looked like she had been styled for the night. I wouldn't have noticed her had it not been for the rope. The whole thing was weird. Like walking past a diorama in the Natural History Museum...The Britney Exhibit. She sat watching the party happen and the party peered at her like she was some kind endangered species....and of course, Prince Paul kept interrupting his set to play her music. Tres surreal.

Jeremy Piven looking very chubby at Zen Zoo, on Vine.

Lunchtime in Beverly Hills near the Chipotle, I THINK I saw Jack Black coming down the sidewalk. He was carrying a bag of fast food, unlike other Bev Hills denizens, who carry bags of ugly empire-waisted dresses. I wasn't super certain it was him...but then I saw that belly, that belly that practically got second billing on Nacho Libre. I hope it was him as I said "Hello, awesome!" as we passed each other on the sidewalk. If it was just another chubby dude, then THAT was terribly embarrassing...

Luke Wilson looking extremely hot at my local pavillion supermarket in Santa Monica. Drove off in his illegally tinted silver porsche and while at the red light, kept raising and lowering his window like he couldn't decide if he wanted to be noticed. Looking very sexy tho.

SATURDAY, JUNE 14
Britney at Palms Place in Vegas. There with one of her enablers and a Russian bodyguard. She was chain smoking cigarettes and eating chicken fingers as she sat by the pool. It's true — she's all class.

Saw Giovanni Ribisi at the carwash on Vermont and Prospect. He smoked a cigarette and read a script while he waited for his car. He kept to himself and was completely unassuming so much so I almost feel guilty sending in this sighting. I wasn't able to see what type of car he drives as my car was finished before his.

At the valet stand at Planet Hollywood, I waited for my keys and looked to my left, there standing beside me was Kevin Federline. He's a little guy, wearing his requisite white t-shirt and baggy shorts. Wasn't impressed. Probably not a coincidence that Britney is in town too. Later that night at the Palms, I saw Bijou Philips perform at another CineVegas party. She sang for a little while and hung out by the pool, her voice wasn't half bad. Spotted Traci Lords waiting for an elevator in stilettos and a tight black dress, she has aged insanely well.

SUNDAY, JUNE 15
In Planet Hollywood, I saw Dwayne Johnson tan, lean and HOT coming down the main escalator going to a screening of Get Smart. He's tall and surprisingly good looking, not bulky or wrestler-esque. He stopped and signed autographs in the casino and had a seriously huge entourage.

Back at the Palms, I saw a sunburned Morgan Spurlock by the pool, handlebar moustache in full effect. Passed by Beastie Boy MCA (Adam Yauch) on the casino floor.

MONDAY, JUNE 16
I saw Vincent Kartheiser of Mad Men on the Continental redeye from Newark to LAX. He was dressed just like Pete Campbell in a brown suit and vintage skinny tie, and bopping around the terminal to whatever was on his iPod. Staying in his character's groove I guess, he was only slightly more subdued once on board (first class of course). Much better looking in person than on the show, but an occasional burger wouldn't kill him - the guy is rail thin.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18
Last night I saw doe-eyed indie goddess/ingenue Zooey Deschanel at the Rilo Kiley Show at the Greek. Looked absolutely stunning (and happy), wearing a gorgeous green dress.

THURSDAY, JUNE 19
As we were leaving Juvenex Spa in Manhattan at 9pm, Paris Hilton was just coming in. She was all dressed up and decked out. I guess with the stress of being Paris she needed a massage.

Saw Gwen Stefani and family (including her dad) enjoying dinner at Buddha's Belly on Beverly last night (6/19). Aside from the few annoying paparazzi outside, they were pretty much left alone. Gwen looked gorgeous without all of that caked on makeup!

As it turns out, these two suicide attempts have very little to do with the Britney we’ve recently begun to muster up a bit of pride for — after romping around new father figure and sobriety expert Mel Gibson’s Caribbean retreat all smiles and apparently dating a guy who neither wears wifebeaters nor makes a living taking pictures of stars flashing their, well, Britney, we’d joined the Package on her most recent recovery train. And after reading excerpts from the not-so-shocking story itself, we’re still aboard. Despite the source being Celebrity Undercover author Ian Halperin, the scribe who spent years undercover in the COS as a gay actor impressively revealing the inner workings of Scientology’s bizarre practices, the dates Halperin supplies for Britney’s alleged suicidal tendencies are ancient in Hollywood years.

As a Spears family insider chimes in, “the singer regularly hinted at suicide...her suicidal tendencies began after the birth of her second son Jayden James in September 2006. 'It really became an issue once Jayden was born and it became clear Britney's marriage to Kevin was crumbling.'” 2006?! Two years ago, Bald Britney, Umbrella Swinging Britney, Pink Bobbed Britney, nor Gurney-Riding Britney had yet to even make their thrilling debuts! Who wouldn’t consider taking one too many sleeping pills after realizing you’d wasted years with a poor man’s Vanilla Ice and kinda, maybe, probably shoulda waited a few years or never to pop out babies prone to matricide? Revelations, shmevelations indeed.

[Photo credit: Life & Style via Daily Mail]

• TROUBLED STAR BRITNEY SPEARS 'ATTEMPTED SUICIDE ON TWO OCCASIONS' [Daily Mail]

Federline had a quiet night at the club, chilling with friends and pumping his fist into the air when Timbaland's "The Way I Are" was played by the DJ. Prive presented Federline his Father of the Year trophy "someplace quiet" at the dad-of-four's request, so clubgoers didn't see the ceremony, according to a source.

Meanwhile, geriatric adventurer Harrison Ford showed the tolerance of a grandfather, as he wore a T-shirt designed by his fiancee Calista Flockhart's adopted Uggs-wearing son, Liam, out in public. The Daily Mail has photos of Ford pretending to enjoy wearing the hand-drawn shirt with a giant smiley face on it. But a Zaprudering of the photo reveals that the man's tolerance only goes so far. Note the address of the restaurant: 9531 Culver. That's right, he spent Father's Day in Culver City, undoubtedly hoping to minimize the chances that he'd be photographed looking so ridiculous. Note also that Flockhart is standing next to a sign that reads, "Big, fat." Clearly little Liam is an evil genius, arranging for his parents to get caught by the paparazzi in the world's most humiliating photo op.

[Photo Credit: Splash, Daily Mail]

• Kevin Federline Named Father Of The Year in Las Vegas [US]
• Daddy dearest: Harrison Ford shows his softer side as he dotes on Calista's adopted son [Daily Mail]

According to reports in everyone’s favorite trusted supermarket tabloid, Britney Spears is allegedly deep in planning mode for Comeback #487. Sources tell the National Enquirer that Spears is shelling out up to $10 million on what sounds like a very tasteful, classy-by-way-of-Louisiana string of song-and-dance shows at The Palms, one of K. Fed’s favorite places to sink into debt play the big baller. Where Spears is coming up with all this cash, considering most of her dough is currently going towards her father’s daily rate for babysitting, is still a mystery. But based on the description of her latest plan to “jump-start her career,” we’re not so sure these shows will do much aside from force us to remember Britney Spears Comebacks number 1 through 486:

As their source puts it, "She wants to make a splashy comeback in Las Vegas. She wants the show to be full of high energy and flashy costume changes." And while costume changes would be refreshing after her most infamous Comeback in that bejeweled bikini, her slightly varied outfits throughout that post-rehab string of weavetastic surprise shows at small venues didn't help to disguise the fact that she'd lost her dancing prowess, nor did they help plug our ears. But we do enjoy the use of the word "flashy." A dose of flash or two could have gone a long way towards saving her gritty pole-dancing performance in the video for "Gimme More." Putting aside our lack of belief in her latest scheme, we're primarily worried about Spears spending so much time in Vegas. The last time she "appeared" at an event on the Strip, she wound up wobbly welcoming the New Year before promptly passing out. Lest we forget, this is also the city that hosted her merry garter-adorned dream wedding. What happens to Britney in Vegas rarely stays in Vegas, unfortunately.

• SPEARS IN TALKS TO STAGE VEGAS SHOWS [Contact Music]

Most sex tape rumors involving Britney Spears are either too good to be true (Colin Farrell!) or too gross to convince us to want to see them at all (K. Fed). But the latest story from the tabloids is filled with details so plausible (especially considering the then-manic Package's mental state) that we’re not so sure it’s just another fairy tale. As the National Enquirer is reporting (again, don’t judge a supermarket tab’s creds by its cheap cover):

[Adnan Ghalib] is shopping around a sex tape that was filmed during their trip January trip to Mexico...[the tape] will go down as the highest selling porn tape of all time, out selling even Paris Hilton's.

So what could Britney possibly do in the bedroom to top her fellow Bimbo Summit member’s green-eyed appearance in nightmare-vision? The eerily realistic details after the jump.

As a source who claims to have seen the tape tells the tab, "the video starts with Britney undressing...She was wearing some cheap clothes that she bought down there. The sex wasn't particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout." Well, the image of Britney in that pink wig she favored during her American Tragedy days doesn't do much to entice us, but we do find it highly believable that sex with Spears just wouldn't be all that "kinky." We've seen her manhandle props like umbrellas before and it was neither graceful nor hot. But the kicker comes after Spears allegedly performs a striptease for Adnan, removing all her clothes save for the technicolor bob: "Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, 'Take what off? There's nothing left to take off.'" And thank goodness for that. However horrific Paris appeared as a nocturnal sex nymph in her tape, nothing puts the sails down like bald sex.

• IS ADNAN SHOPPING A BRITNEY SPEARS SEX TAPE? [Splash News]

Though inching your digits inside the shorts of your incredibly hot girlfriend may not be the classiest move, we'd watch a porno starring Enrique and Anna any day. As for Drew and Justin, the more photos and TMZ clips we see of this couple, the more we approve. They're cute. Even when they kiss in cars. Which is usually just plain awkward. And so what if TomKat are nutcases? This classic dip Tom pulled off in Rome early on in their relationship is as romantic as it gets.

Oh dear. The boob-grab from behind? While making eye contact with some other chick off-camera? Sorry Billy Bob, but that whole crass thing you made work with Angelina became instantly uncool the second you dumped her. As for this picture of Britney Spears gleefully grabbing K. Fed's crotch on a balcony for all the paps to see, well, even writing a snarky comment on it might make us physically ill. And just in case you didn't think the idea of kissing Nicole Kidman was horrifying enough, Us has thankfully provided us with proof. Yeah, thanks. A lot.

[Photo credits: INF, Flynet, Bauer-Griffin, BE Images via Us, Wireimage]

• CELEBRITY PDA! [Us]

"She believes a reality show is a no-brainer. She can be herself and not have to study lines...Several production companies are interested in a Britney reality show and are willing to pay her millions."

But considering her lockdown with dad Jamie and void in her social calendar, we're not exactly sure what twists and plotlines Britney has to showcase these days. We suppose prepping for and attending Jamie Lynn's upcoming nuptials down South would make for a couple of quasi-interesting episodes, but we have yet to find an answer to our most burning question: what does Britney do all day? According to Starpulse, most of her time is currently spent meeting with tacky designer Ed Hardy to plan a children's clothing line. Is what the world needs right now really footage of Britney wearing logo hoodies and sewing onesies in her Justin shrine?

[Photo credit: X17]

• CHAOTIC: THE SEQUEL [DListed]
• BRITNEY SPEARS EYES FASHIONABLE FUTURE [Starpulse]

"At Scores strip club, he gave $2,000 on a $365 meal bill."

Some of the standout charges on Federline's AMEX bills, dated from May 2007 up to January of this year, included dropping nearly $1,500 at Versace, and two $3,000-plus bills at TAO and Hard Rock. TMZ goes on to list some of the more common outlets Kevin enjoys best, such as Encino Park Liquor, Garrett Popcorn Shop and, most intriguingly (and disturbingly), Victoria's Secret. We hear they make lovely silk bibs and lacey onesies that would look dashing on Sean Preston and The Other One.

[Photo Credit: Getty]

• KEVIN FEDERLINE SPENT MORE THAN $43,000 ON CLOTHING, FOOD LAST YEAR [Us]
• K-FED LIVES ON BOOZE, BURGERS AND BIG 5 [TMZ]

Dylan McKay: Zac Efron, because he's a pretty boy with great hair.
Kelly Taylor: Ashley Tisdale, because she's used to playing the bitchy popular girl. Too bad she already got a nosejob, though — that could've been a revolutionary episode.

Brandon Walsh: Tom Welling, because he could save the day with a smile.
David Silver: Kevin Federline, because he's a wannabe rapper in need of a gig.

Donna Martin: Jamie Lynn Spears, because it would be a cinch playing the dumb blonde who preaches celibacy (only to get knocked up this time around, 'cuz it's the Millenium!).
Brenda Walsh: Miley Cyrus, because we still can't figure out whether or not we love or hate her.

Steve Sanders: Cody Lohan, because he's blonde and annoying.
Andrea Zuckerman: Gabrielle Carteris, because, well, she needs a job.

Did we miss anything? Leave your suggestions in the comments, that's what they're there for!

• RICH KIDS ARE BACK: CW PLOTS '90210' SPINOFF [THR]

A source says Britney Spears' ex, 30, may be heading to NYC in September to make his Broadway debut in Legally Blonde, the Tony-nominated musical adaptation of the hit film, Us Weekly reports in its latest issue, on newsstands now.

"This is his chance to show the world what he can do," says a pal. [...]

Federline may not be the only star hitting Broadway: New mom Nicole Richie has been approached to star in Chicago.

Of course, the placement of TV and film personalities onto Broadway marquees in the hopes of goosing ticket-sales is nothing new, but until now the practice has been limited to fading stars and Idol-rans. Now that producers have made it clear they are fully prepared to crash through the tabloid-target glass ceiling, the face of the Great White Way could change forever: Audiences will undoubtedly erupt into ecstatic ovations the moment an electric green Paris Hilton covers for her tenuous grasp on the Wicked book by replacing an Elphaba monologue with a lazy-eyed wink to the crowd and the words, "The Wizard's hot."

UPDATE: K-Fed's camp denies!

• Kevin Federline in Talks to Star in Legally Blonde on Broadway [usmagazine.com]

Here, we present the choices on Us' list which we happen to agree with; these guys either went a teensy bit overboard over the holidays or, in Tom Cruise's case, simply haven't been following L. Ron Hubbard's highly scientific detox plan:

Tom Cruise, then and now:

Clay Aiken, then and now:

Val Kilmer, then and now:

Alec Baldwin, then and now:

But! We happen to find these so-called "chunks" far finer now that they've gone from stick-thin, skinny-jeans-wearing hipster wannabes to, well, the closest they're capable of coming to looking like a Man:

Ryan Gosling, then and now:

Adrien Grenier, then and now:

John Travolta, a controversial decision for sure, but we think Now is preferable if only for the absence of that horrendous hairpiece:

[Photo Credits: Wireimage, Getty, Pacific Coast News, INFPhoto, Retna, Bauer-Griffin]

• FROM HUNK TO CHUNK [Us]

[Photo Credit: X17]

• x17online.com

Although Us describes K. Fed as being "no stranger to fashion," this is mainly due to his long-ago aspirations to do a line with Britney back in 2005. The name of that doomed line, you ask? Pair A Dice. Why? Because, according to K. Fed, "dice are lucky for us." Isn't that special? As for the show tomorrow night, we really think two elements are missing from MJ's plan of press dominance: invites for Sean Preston and The Other One. He does have a Little Marc line after all.

• EXCLUSIVE: KEVIN FEDERLINE TO ATTEND MARC JACOBS FASHION SHOW [Usmagazine.com]

Apparently, she made it inside the building, but got lost somewhere between the door and the actual courtroom. Visitation stays the same. Oh, Britney, you are incorrigible. Meanwhile, Adnan Ghalib—who filed for separation from his wife yesterday, then was videotaped sideswiping a motorcyclist in Malibu, his new girlfriend at his side—can no longer maintain his silence as he watches the media take nasty swipes at the month-old object of his romantic affections. Talking to The Insider (unbeknownst to Britney), the paparazzo hunter-turned-hunted faced a rapidfire barrage of Spears-related questions. Enjoy.

• The New Adnan Ghalib Interview! [Insider]
• WATCH: Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib Involved In Minor Car Accident [Us]

Authorities have now confirmed that Spears was "under the influence of an unknown substance" when they arrived, perhaps after the singer's sudden and utterly inconsistent interest in her children suggested she may have been experiencing the powerful, neglectful-mind-altering effects of a controlled intoxicant. Both children are reportedly now in K-Fed's care, the elder demanding to know "why mommy's eyes look like big, black M&M's, daddy?" More on this stunning development tomorrow, as Britney Spears-Police-Showdown -Custody-Disaster- Under-the-InfluenceGate (we promise to come up with a catchier title by then) continues...

• Watch Video
• Britney Spears Taken to Hospital after Custody Dispute at Her Home [myfoxla.com]
• Brit's Kids Are Safe, She's Under the Influence! [TMZ]

In a request to unseal parts of the case file, an attorney for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services wrote that there are concerns about the safety and welfare of the two toddlers, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, if they are left in their mother's care.

Though the agency mentioned investigating referrals relating to Federline, the documents don't provide details. [...]

The latest tidbits on the custody battle are in 300 pages of documents released by Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott M. Gordon.

The document dump included previous court rulings, expense reports and income statements for both parents, the names of the custody evaluators selected by Spears' and Federline's attorneys and their detailed resumes.

Spears had asked the court to seal the custody and visitation schedules in a declaration filed in October, arguing that "such information greatly increases the chances that the actions of the media could threaten the safety of the children by, for example, causing a traffic accident."

That Spears' attorney has requested the sealing of her schedule amidst fears that the tabloid media will hound her to an even greater degree smacks of legal posturing; any potential increased danger of low-speed accidents—with her car constantly surrounded by a throng of paparazzi, it's difficult to achieve a velocity that could inflict serious damage on anything sturdier than a tube sock—would be more than offset by the benefit of having a few dozen extra freelance child-care helpers with her at all times, who'd always be willing to let the harried mom know she'd left her car-seated kids on the roof of her Mercedes (sigh, again) before allowing her to drive slowly away from the Target parking lot.

• Agency Probes Allegations in Spears Case [ABCNews.com]

A day after he released a statement saying that there's "absolutely no truth" to the magazine's report that Spears' oven is filled with his piping-hot, hitmaking bun, InTouch has counterattacked by releasing photos of a series of text messages in which he not only confirms his proud, possibly lucrative paternity, but claims she's too "unpredicatable" [sic] for him to hazard a guess as to whether or not she'd "keep it." Say what you will about Kevin Federline, but even in the early days of his relationship with Spears, he never would have left such an easily traceable digital trail when quietly trying to update the tabloids on his attempts to impreganate her.

• Britney's pregnancy: In Touch sets the record straight [InTouch]

(It bears mentioning that he's forced to share his #7 ranking with that other blank-brained tabloid daddy, Larry Birkhead.) Still, we're pleased to see Federline is still approached for the kinds of high-profile exploitation opportunities that have until now defined his career, allowing him the luxury of plopping a copy of the magazine onto the desk of industry players, until one takes the wind out of his sales by scanning the article and pointing out that he comes in two entries before the word "faggot."

• The Details Power 50 [men.style.com]

• Access Live Stream: Spears-Federline Custody Hearing [accesshollywood.com]

"I'm doing good," Spears said in response to a reporter's question as she headed into court dressed in blue jeans, a long dark blue sweater and wearing aviator sunglasses. She sipped from a Coca-Cola can as she approached the courtroom. An attorney took it from her and placed it on a bench as she entered.

A few minutes after Spears was sworn in, Gordon asked reporters to leave the courtroom and closed the hearing.

During the swearing-in, Spears was asked her name and replied, "Britney."

"Britney Spears," she added when Gordon asked her to give her full name.

The commissioner allowed Spears to keep her dark sunglasses on, telling her, "I understand you have a medical condition." The condition was not disclosed.

The wisely confiscated soda at least makes us feel as if Britney is being well taken care of: Her counsel may not be able to stop a crotch-baring TP run to Target, but they can at least prevent a judge's ruling from being drowned out by the sounds of a straw attempting to suck out the last milliliters of cola backwash stubbornly clinging to the bottom of an aluminum can. Their efforts, it seems, weren't for naught: Britney has reportedly been awarded one supervised overnight visit per week. It's a generous gesture we hope the commissioner doesn't soon regret, after Spears locks them in a car for some Ice Blended me-time, leading to a chorus of baby-coughs as a lit cigarette slowly burns down to the filter in the ashtray. With Gov. Schwarzenegger's newly enacted legislation, that could add a $100 citation to her long laundry list of child-endangering headaches.

• Spears goes to family court [USA Today/AP]
• Calif. bans smoking in cars with kids [news.yahoo.com]

Kevin Federline retains custody of his sons for now, but Britney Spears gets monitored visitation, a judge ordered Wednesday.

The temporary arrangement was decided at a closed-door court session attended by Federline, who was wearing an eye patch. Spears did not attend.

The eye-patch detail is enough to set even the most casual observers' imaginations spinning with possible explanations: Could K-Fed have landed yet another lucrative endorsement gig as the new, urban-skewed Hathaway Shirts spokesman? Or, in a far more likely scenario, are his court-mandated charges proving too much for one pimp-daddy to handle, particularly after his fruitless efforts to fasten them into car seats are met by hysterical screams of, "But mommy doesn't make us do that!" and a flailing toddler digit plunged into an exposed socket?

• Kevin Keeps Custody, Britney Gets Vistation [People]

Details of what triggered sole background-dancer custody haven't been revealed, so we'll just assume for now that Spears has already violated one or more of the Britney Rules laid down by the judge; perhaps she's already dropped out of her neglect-prevention classes to protest the court's insinuation that she needs eight hours of parenting lessons per week to teach her how to tell the manny what time to put the kids to bed while she's out clubbing in Hollywood.

UPDATE: Does the stunning custody news have anything to do with this footage of her kids being driven to tears by paparazzi flashbulbs as she tries to put them in her car? We have no idea! But here's the video anyway, courtesy of The Insider:

• Court Orders: Britney Loses Custody of Kids Until Further Notice [US Weekly]

· Attend individual counseling at least once a week to address parenting issues.

· Meet with a parenting coach for a minimum of 8 hours a week, in at least two sessions a week. The coach is to observe her parenting skills and her interaction with her sons and provide Federline with a written progress report by October 22

· And, "based on the evidence presented, the Court finds that there is a habitual, frequent, and continuous use of controlled substances by Petitioner [Spears]," will have to undergo testing for controlled substances and alcohol. The testing shall be conducted twice per week on random dates and times, and the results will be forwarded to the court

While the random drug testing should certainly contribute to a more stable environment for the children, it's really the court-mandated parenting lessons that should most radically impact the quality of care they receive when under their mother's supervision. In their first session alone, the coach should be able to teach Spears a more effective infant smile-whitening technique than the one she'd been using, teaching her to replace the inefficient combination of rollers and cans of paint she devised on her own with a more traditional pairing of toothbrushes and flouride-enriched paste.

• Judge: Spears Must Undergo Regular Drug Tests in Order to Keep Her Children [Us Weekly]

Laura Eimiller, a spokeswoman for FBI Press Relations in the Los Angeles Field Office, explains, "We received information, which was not specific and uncorroborated, and because there was no federal jurisdiction, out of an abundance of caution, we shared the information with local authorities who pursued it further."

In response to questions about where the initial information came from, she tells Us, "I'm not confirming the nature of the source, and any of the information contained in it. It is not credible. We looked into it."

This welcome news couldn't have come at a better moment, just as we began to indulge our deepest fears that Sean Preston and the other one would be cruelly robbed of both their parents: one to a hitman, the other to a naked, party-drugged existence spent in lusty pursuit of braggart college boys in hotel Jacuzzis around the world.

• FBI & LAPD: K-Fed Threat Wasn't Credible [Us Weekly]
• Ex-bodyguard says Spears used drugs [Reuters]

ET has several reliable sources that the FBI and LAPD are investigating legitimate leads on a contract hit on KEVIN FEDERLINE's life.

Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger.

Before we all jump to the obvious conclusions and finger the one frayed woman in Federline's life with a number of justifiable motives, we'd like to take this moment to remind you that the self-proclaimed "America's Most Hated" has a great many enemies, all of whom could feasibly benefit from his permanent, silencer-assisted removal—anyone from threatened One Tree Hill co-stars to finger-wagging, feud-escalating gangsta rappers.

• Kevin Federline: Hit on His Life? [ETOnline]

• [DMKWorld.com]

ANYONE who wondered what led