Blind Item Guessing Game: Who's Gay, Closeted And Wants You To Fuck Their Wife?

As many loyal Defamer readers must know by now, our favorite blind items tend to include three elements: closeted actors, drug-addicted actresses, and those rare but joyous items that include the quote “Do you want to fuck my wife?” And kudos to the NY Daily News for providing us with the gruesomely enjoyable trifecta all in one sordid little piece today:

”Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, ‘Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.’”

Sounds like a cinch, abounding with potential suspects, right? Not so fast. After our handy thinking caps proved to be malfunctioning this morning (or, possibly, the mindgrapes under said cap?), we took a few guesses after the jump, but today calls for the help of you commenters who, as always, are typically far more savvy at this sort of thing than us:

'People' Unveils Massive Cover Archive Online, All We See Are Fabio's Pecs And John Travolta's Quads

Suri Cruise's Favorite Things: Toxic Bottles, Boys Named Brooklyn And High-Kicking Has-Beens

The Wet-Nosed Sycophants Of The GE Board

Naomi Campbell's Bad Luck Streak Continues As Her Hair Decides To Jump Ship

'Us' Calls Out Fatties With Their 'Hunk To Chunk' Photographic Retrospective

For the first time in recorded history, we actually felt sorry for poor chubster Kevin Federline yesterday. After all, as those golfing pictures revealed, that he's now sporting a Buddha big enough to hamper his golf swing. But apparently the slideshow-happy folks at Us Weekly didn't share our sympathies; in the wake of the revelation of Fat K-Fed, they've posted a slideshow featuring other formerly thin celebs who've gone from "hunk to chunk" in recent years. But being the stubborn argumentative types that we are, we're going to have to disagree with their take on all of these pound-packers' alleged downfalls. Sure, Clay Aiken's no prize these days (was he ever?), and Alec Baldwin certainly looked sexier in Glengarry Glen Ross than he currently does on 30 Rock, but a few members of Us' Fatso Club actually look far hotter with some extra meat on their bones. Our rebuttals, with pictorial evidence, after the jump.

Danny Zuko Committed To Ridding T-Bird Brother Of Drug-Craving Thetans

In a heartwarming scenario whose only logical conclusion involves Kirstie Alley, Leah Remini, Greta Van Susteren and Jenna Elfman in pink satin jackets singing "We Go Together" on a fairground set up at the Hollywood Scientology Center, Jeff Conaway has found an unlikely guardian angel in the fight against his long list of powder- and pill-based demons: his Grease co-star John Travolta. Inside Edition reports:

"Taxi" star Jeff Conaway...says he has finally kicked his drug habit by practicing Scientology. Conaway: "I've been doing Scientology...My doctor was like holy cow, he says whatever you've been doing keep doing it because it's really working."

Hollywood's Guardian Angels Tom Cruise And John Travolta Duped By Fake Heath Ledger Father

In a shocking development in the Heath Ledger tragedy, the NY Post is reporting that an unidentified con man has been making calls pretending to be Heath's father. Not only did he convince the Manhattan funeral home that held Ledger's body to book him multiple rooms at the Carlysle hotel for him and his "family," he also took advantage of grieving A-list movie stars Tom Cruise and John Travolta. From their report:

By the [day after Ledger's death], a man claiming to be Kim Ledger managed to get Cruise on the phone, a source said.

Can't John Travolta Admire One Of His Most Gifted Peers Without Everyone Scrutinizing Him?

A reader with much sharper eyes than ours asked us to go back and review a SAG awards audience reaction shot during the standing ovation for legend Mickey Rooney, feeling that there was something a little lascivious in Hairspray star John Travolta's sidelong glance at Eastern Promises' Viggo Mortensen.

Exclusive: Scientology 'Straight'ening Closeted Actors For Years, Says Author

Troubled 'Dallas' Remake All Clear Of John Travolta

More bad Dallas-remake news: they're still going to remake Dallas. Also, John Travolta is no longer in it. I guess that's more like bad news and irrelevant news. (Yes, that last line was lifted directly from the British Office, so look for this site to win a Pulitzer soon.) Page Six is reporting that the in-his-umpteenth-career-renaissance actor is heading into his umpteenth-plus-one career turnaround with the news that he's been dropped from the coveted role of J.R. Ewing, with Ben Stiller opting to take the bullet instead. Reps for both both actors quickly went into denial mode, refuting that Travolta was fired and that Stiller has any attachment to the doomed project:

Though John Travolta's long, deep, and utterly unselfconscious kiss with longtime idol Kirk Douglas initially drew a thundering round of applause from the Santa Barbara Film Festival crowd assembled to see Travolta receive a lifetime achievement award named for the screen legend, the ovation was quickly replaced by gasps of horror once the guest of honor, obviously lost in the moment, failed to break their clinch until the oxygen-deprived nonagenarian collapsed to the stage.

Where In The World Is Hugh Laurie?

'ET' Amassing Celebrity Signatures For Giant Owen Wilson Get Well Card

If there's one bright spot to the massive, black thundercloud hanging over Hollywood this week, it comes in the form of an outpouring of love and genuine sympathy for Owen Wilson—not just from his fans, but from fellow celebrities, who know first hand of the inner turmoil that can accompany being permanently strapped into the fame machine, and who would go to great lengths to inform Entertainment Tonight's cameras of how much they are pulling for him in his time of need:

"I don't know what happened," JANE SEYMOUR says of OWEN WILSON's reported suicide attempt, "but I know he's a great guy and this too shall pass...He has a great family and people who love him," she says. "He'll be okay."

Fox Throws Hands In The Air, Decides It Has No Choice But To Make 'Dallas' As A Comedy

· Realizing that no matter what their vision was going in for a long-planned, big-screen adaptation of Dallas, the final result would be hilarious, Regency and 20th Century have finally decided to just give up and officially make it as a comedy. Betty Thomas will direct, and John Travolta will still star as JR Ewing, playing the part in only a slightly bigger fashion as a nod to the project's new direction. [Variety]
· Once again, the DGA refuses to allow For Your Consideration DVD screeners to be sent to members for their yearly awards, forcing guild members to schlep out to screenings to see their peers' work presented as it was intended. [THR]
· Following the less-than-blockbuster results of promotions for movies like Akeelah and the Bee and Arctic Tale, Hollywood is discovering that Starbucks might not be marketing monolith that they'd had hoped it would be. Several studios are now considering scaled-back versions of the failing Starbucks experiment, such as planting paid confederates to sit by the door of The Coffee Bean and loudly shout into a cellphone about how much they loved a partner's movie. [Variety]
· It's about time someone made a RenFair comedy*: Universal buys the Rainn Wilson project Renaissance Man, about two community theater actors who hide out a renaissance fair after thinking they've killed one of their co-stars. (*For real; and no, we don't count that one part in The Cable Guy.) [THR]
· Focus Features accepts the MPAA's NC-17 rating for Ang Lee's erotically charged espionage thriller Lust, Caution for "too many scenes of artsy-fartsy fucking." [Variety]

Imus Further Enriched

· Don Imus earns a multi-million dollar windfall for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos." Nicely played, CBS! [Variety]
· Disney adds Bernie Mac to a magical Old Dogs cast that already includes John Travolta and Robin Williams; Mac will play the part of the take-no-shit character that glowers out from the one-sheet as his harried co-stars are run ragged by the 7-year-old twins they have no idea how to care for. [THR]
· Rosario Dawson hitches her wagon to Shia Labeouf's quickly rising star, signing on for the DreamWorks thriller Eagle Eye. [Variety]
· Fox's late-summer crap (the Hell's Kitchen finale and a new episode of So You Think You Can Dance) easily wins Monday night against other network's rerun garbage. [THR]
· NBC cordially invites the loyal viewers of Today to choke on a new, fourth hour of their beloved morning chatfest. [Variety]

Ben Silverman's Great Taste In Foreign TV Hits Rewarded By Emmy Voters

· X-Men fans, take heart: Tsotsi's Gavin Hood, not X-Men 3: The Last Gasp of a Once Vital Franchise's Brett Ratner, has signed on to direct Wolverine. [Variety]
· It's official: NBC's Ben Silverman is the new Norman Lear. In producing two of the Emmy nominees for best comedy (The Office and Ugly Betty), Silverman has equalled a feat last acheived by his idol, who in 1973 earned sitcom nods for All in the Family and Maude. [THR]
· In other Emmy oddities, Fox's instantaneously premiered/canceled Drive makes history as the first-ever Primetime Emmy broadband nominee for a three-minute clip that streamed on Fox.com. [Variety]
· Upon learning of her Emmy nomination for her work on Brothers & Sisters, Sally Field was overwhelmed by a Meg-Ryan-in- When-Harry-Met-Sally-quality orgasm, a spasm of ecstasy so paralyzing she was unable to do her usual, "You like me, you really really like me!" schtick. [THR, THR]
· When John Travolta in drag and fake gay-married firefighters clash at the box office, no comedy fans will escape unscathed. [Variety]