But we're getting ahead of ourselves: Last night, we managed to get a freshly Emmy-nominated Kathy Griffin to sit down with us just minutes before taking the Theatre St-Denis stage for that night's comedy gala. Besides taping a special greeting just for you, dear Defamer reader, she was a great sport in submitting to all our probing Kathy questions. Has she ever grappled with addiction? Is Padma Lakshmi a coddled diva? Did The Woz ever get handsy? Should Ryan Seacrest suck it? All is revealed, after the jump.

KATHY: It's so nice to meet you. I'm such a fan. [Hugs.]
DEFAMER: You are?
KATHY: Of Defamer? I read it every day. Are you kidding? I have arrived to be even slightly favorably spoken of on Defamer. Everybody e-mails me instantly. I love it. You know why? It's so clever, as opposed to being mean or shocking. I think the essays are so hysterical. I absolutely laugh out loud at that website. I think it's so good. And I always feel so famous if I'm in a PrivacyWatch. Very famous.
DEFAMER: Wow. Well that's really nice to hear, because we're huge fans of yours.
KATHY: I feel like I kind of cross over when I speak out about Scientology. Like, "Oh, good, only Defamer will support me on that." When all other heads of state turn on me.
DEFAMER: So what are your latest thoughts about it? Still a dangerous cult, or just a misunderstood community center?
KATHY: Well of course I love the Der Spiegel interview where Tom Cruise gets all indignant and says, "Would you make fun of someone's religion?" It's, like, fuck yeah, Tom. It's all on the table. The insidiousness of actually saying you can't make fun of someone's religion—it's ridiculous. Of course you can make fun of anyone's religion.
DEFAMER: And earn Emmys doing it!
KATHY: I'm a double Emmy nominee. Can you believe this shit? Can I tell you the press release that Bravo wouldn't let me do? Because they said they wanted something to put out there when I got the news today. And my official statement was, "Does this mean I can go to Lifetime and get more money like Project Runway did?" I thought that was funny, but today I heard from my publicist that Bravo won't release that. So I said somebody with a sense of humor should release it, then.
DEFAMER: Consider it released. So where were you when you found out?
KATHY: I was sleeping at the Hotel St. Paul. You think I expected it? Like I stayed up all night with my hair and makeup on? Please. I took an Ambien. You could have stabbed me in my sleep.
DEFAMER: Who told you? [Kathy's assistant and My Life on the D-List co-star] Tom?
[Tom nods.]
KATHY: Tom did tell me. It was actually a pretty Hollywood story. I got the call from Rogers and Cowens. So that's kind of A-list, that my publicist called me.
DEFAMER: You're up against Intervention, if I'm not mistaken.
KATHY: Which I would LOVE to be on. I'm trying to find just the right addiction. Right now all I have is hoarding. Like Delta Burke—she's a hoarder. But I feel that I can come up with just the right addiction, because I love the idea of all my relatives and friends coming together in one room and yelling at me together. You know, Janice Dickinson has this great story that apparently during her intervention, she was high, and she literally thought it was a party. For the entire intervention, she wasn't hearing them say, "OK, you need to get on the plane and go to rehab." And she was like, "WHOOO!!! Where we goin'? Party! Call Jagger!" I want mine to be like that, but, like, D-list, so I'm like, "WHOO! Where's Carrot Top? Where's Andy Dick? Let's goooo!"
DEFAMER: What do you anticipate will happen if you cross paths with Ryan Seacrest at this year's Emmys? He's nominated, and could even host again. So there's a good chance of that.
KATHY: Here's the deal. I'm going to shoot to kill. As you know, I have a hit out on LC from The Hills. And I feel that once I found out that that isn't illegal, then I'm now just taking hits out on several celebrities. And Ryan Seacrest is definitely in my crosshairs.
DEFAMER: He is?
KATHY: Yeah, of course.
DEFAMER: Remember the Poop On Ryan Seacrest's Walk of Fame Star Contest? A website put out a dare for people to send in photo evidence of them taking a dump on his square.
KATHY: And did they?
DEFAMER: I believe someone did.
KATHY: Ah, see, that's hilarious. I would be so thrilled if I had a star people pooped on.
DEFAMER: Why don't you have a star?
KATHY: I dunno. Gee. What a shock. Maybe for the same reason Bravo won't buy a billboard. You know why? 'Cause I'm not Padma. "Oooooooh! Padma is so wonderful. Padma Padma Padma! Ooh, she's thin and was married to Salman Rushdie." Well, I went out with Steve Wozniak. Who never had a fatwa, but still, people know him.
DEFAMER: We'll see how much Bravo loves Padma after Top Chef moves to the Food Network.
KATHY: That's my dream! To move to the Food Network. Don't say that—I want to be Paula Deen. She could buy and sell all of us.
DEFAMER: Can you cook?
KATHY: No. I just want to be Paula Deen. I'm not saying I have any talent. Paula Deen has her own airplane. How do you like that shit?
DEFAMER: You don't?
KATHY: Please. I'll see you on Southwest tomorrow. In the B group.
DEFAMER: Speaking of Woz, I think of all the Kathy Griffin storylines on Defamer, for some reason people connect to Woz the most.
KATHY: Gee, 'cause maybe they are online? I know. I was supposed to see Woz last week, and in fact the theater where I was going to perform was where I met him. The Saratoga Mountain Winery. Or as Star magazine calls it, "Saratoga, Florida." Which is, you know, his neck of the woods. But, no, we are definitely still buds.
DEFAMER: So what was the story there? Were you dating or not?
KATHY: The story was, we were frienemies.
DEFAMER: What was the "enemy" part of the equation?
KATHY: I guess we weren't frienemies, because we were never enemies. I was trying to liken myself to LC and...um...Whitney? Is Whitney on The Hills?
DEFAMER: I think LC and Audrina are the frienemies. But they hate each other now.
KATHY: Oh no! I love The Woz!
DEFAMER: Right. So there is no "enemy" part.
KATHY: Oh, okay. Well then we were...we were definitely...I'd say we were...I don't know what to call it.
DEFAMER: Did you ever make out?
KATHY: No.
DEFAMER: You never even made out?
KATHY: No. See—I can't really call it "dating."
DEFAMER: Did he put the moves on you?
KATHY: He didn't really put the moves on me. I mean, you have to ask him this. Because I am, you know, I am very protective of him and love him and I wouldn't want to say anything about him that would make him sound any less than the Wonderful Wizard of Woz that he is. Let's just say that we had much better chemistry as friends.
DEFAMER: You really do have great chemistry on the show. That Segway lesson was the cutest thing I've seen in ages.
KATHY: There's more Woz coming. I talked Bravo into doing an extra episode, so there's going to be 11 now. Because they overshoot the fuck out of the show.
DEFAMER: You guys should really have a whole spinoff with just the two of you.
KATHY: I don't even think he's aware he's on the show. He's so not in that world.
DEFAMER: The bear photoshoot was a classic.
KATHY: He didn't even know [what a bear was], or that he is a bear. I'm not even kidding. There's actually moments that didn't make the show that were really funny, where he was saying stuff like, "You know, if I fall in love with a man, I fall in love with a man. There's nothing wrong with that."
DEFAMER: Wow.
KATHY: Oh yeah. He's very forward-thinking, Woz. I mean, obviously.

10. Tom Cruise, Top Gun

9. Renee Zellwegger, Chicago

8. Keira Knightley, Edge Of Love

7. Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge

6. Rupert Everett, My Best Friend's Wedding

5. Diane Keaton, Radio Days

4. Scarlett Johansson, Lost In Translation

3. Gwyneth Paltrow, Infamous

2. Zooey Deschanel, Elf

1. Heath Ledger, 10 Things I Hate About You

• Kate Hudson Joins Cast of Movie Musical Nine [People]

Such is the case with this amazing Boyu-1108 Massage Hoop, a colorful, ribbed take on the classic hula which features none other than unwitting celebrity spokesperson (and illustrated customer!) Angelina Jolie benefiting from its miraculous, weist-whittling properties. Once you find yourself hooked, may we suggest also investing in a Boyu-2409 Pogo Pleasurer, the only coil-powered personal massager and transportation device currently approved by Julia Roberts.

• ANGIES SECRET TO WEIGHT LOSS [ONTD]

• WATCH VIDEO

”I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see...I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman...I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

As the war between actual working actress Olsen and reality trash-talker Pratt heats up, we dug up evidence that this battle has a much longer history than we thought. After the jump, the sordid high-school photo scandal that sparked the Olsen vs. Pratt battle years ago.

In the Us piece, Spencer throws a curveball into the mix by stating he and Mary-Kate didn't even attend the same high school, which is (not scientifically, by any means) actually evident on several "news" sites. But whether or not Olsen's quietly harsh comments about Pratt's soccer game hissy fits are slightly tarnished by this info, the two most certainly spent time socializing before Olsen hit her NYU hobo years and anyone on the planet knew who Pratt even was. After revisiting a Details profile on Spencer and his then-partner in crime Brody Jenner from last year, we noticed this plum detail: "the guy...will proudly tell you he made $50,000 in high school by selling a photo he took of Mary-Kate Olsen drinking at a party." One search through an Olsens fan site later turns up the picture in question, which looks less to us like evidence that MK is a "drunk" lush, and more like evidence that MK has always been the pruney-smiling party girl we've grown to know and love. Not to mention that Spencer, pictured upper left, has always been incredibly scary to look at. Team Olsen is where we remain.

[Photo credit: Olsen-Twins-News.com]

• SPENCER PRATT: ACTRESS MARY-KATE OLSEN IS THE LESS CUTE TWIN [Us]
• THE CREEP WHO MADE $50K BY SNAPPING MARY-KATE 'DRUNK' [Olsen-Twins-News]

It was largely hit or miss (though the otherwise outclassed Hannigan killed telling the first joke she ever heard: "What do ghosts say to each other? 'Do you see people?' " Ha!), but one inquiring mind finally picked up the slack during the audience Q&A: Where the hell are all the women late-night talk shows?

It took a beat longer than you'd think for someone to invoke Chelsea Handler, who drew general praise among the panelists. Steinberg shrugged. "I don't think there's any reason it hasn't happened," he said. "It's an old habit to think that late-night television gets more viewers and more response than a show like The View or Oprah or Ellen. ... I don't think there's any blocking anywhere at this point. It's just a question of how things are."

"I think if Ellen were on at night, she'd be bigger than all of them," Hannigan said.

Garofalo bristled. "I think there is a blocking."

"I think so, too," Tilly said.

"It's like a bad habit" Garofalo continued. "I know that for a while Amy Sedaris was considered; I know Letterman is a big booster of hers, and I think she herself didn't want to get into that. But I think when people were asking, 'Who's going to replace Johnny [Carson]?', I don't think any female names were ever taken seriously. It's like, 'Don't walk under a ladder, it's bad luck.' It's not true, but you still walk around the latter. It's false wisdom to say that women won't work in late night. It's a business run on fear, right? Very few people in television are willing to take chances, and I think they think, 'If we take a chance on a woman, and it doesn't work...' Because there's this false demo — this elusive 18-35 male we mentioned. Does that really exist?"

"It's not just a habit," Steinberg replied. "They call on people who have the experience who are out there, so it's Conan O'Brien [for The Tonight Show]. If Ellen wanted to do The Tonight Show, she could have gotten in the running."

"I don't believe that," Tilly said. "I think among the networks, it's like, 'Women like to watch women while they're at home washing the laundry, with the Tide that gets laundry whiter than white. And at night people want to watch edgy guys.' Didn't you experience that, Janaene, when you were at Saturday Night Live? That there was a tremendous sort of... not misogyny, but a sort of boy's club?"

"It's a show that rises and falls over the years," Garofalo said. "When Tina Fey came in as head writer, it was fantastic, and the women over the last eight years or so have been just amazing. They're too numerous to mention. But when I was there, the show was just awful. It didn't matter if you were a guy, girl, transvestite, transgender — whoever you were, that show just sucked it that year. ... I personally was awful. I failed miserably, plus I was a horrible drunk at the time; that's all my fault."

"I just assumed the man was keeping you down," Tilly said.

"The man and a woman," Garofalo said. "Me, myself, as a woman, kept me down."

Yes, that's Mini-Me Verne Troyer in a sex tape shot with his former live-in girlfriend at the couple's apartment. A third party has snatched up the tape and although no deal has been made, we hear dealer Kevin Blatt, who brokered the deal for Paris' video, is entertaining a $100k offer from SugarDVD to distribute the nastiness.

While we are still too mortified by the sight of Verne Troyer frenching some ho to properly collect our thoughts, we will go out on a limb and say that this sex tape will certainly prove to be more exciting that that snoozer of a vid that Kim Kardashian put out. And if the publicity gods are willing, maybe this means renewed hope for The Love Guru's second weekend at the box office, after all. Then again, let's hope not. See you in Gomorrah, peeps!

• Mini-Me Sex Tape: Avert Your Eyes [TMZ]

Feldman has already spoken out about what he suspects were several instances of R.E.M. (rapidly encroaching Michael) sleep at Neverland Ranch. Haim quickly dismisses the possibility that his friend wasn't conscious at the time—but what about Haim's own "rape." Was it rape rape? Or Hollywood-style rape—the kind one might begrudgingly submit to in some B-movie producer's poolside changing room in order to ensure oneself the lead in Prayer of the Rollerboys? At this point, we think pretty much anything is possible, and this shiz is getting heavy.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

• WATCH VIDEO

This Barbie is for The Birds! Actually, this Barbie from The Birds is for you! Celebrating Alfred Hitchcock's classic film, this incredible collector's doll features our heroine being attacked by a trio of fine feathered foes, just like in the movie. Will these plastic birds damage her delightful handbag or her carefully styled hair? We certainly hope not! Be sure to let Barbie into your home and pray that the birds don't come in with her!

Modeled after the ritually abused Hitchcock blonde Tippi Hedren, we're told the figurine features "real fake birds" and a "high-quality head [that] looks scared and has awesome hair!" And at the low, low price of $44.99, fetishized victimhood has never been more affordable for the little girl in your life. Still, here's hoping this is just the start: When Shower-Scene and/or Notorious Spy Slut Barbie hit the market, then we'll know Mattel has really hit its empowering stride.

• Alfred Hitchcock The Birds Barbie Doll [Entertainment Earth via Boing Boing]

According to the weekly, it was none other than controversy-free Jennifer Connelly:

"Connelly… will not be included in an upcoming cover shoot for Marie Claire magazine that will feature Aniston… and her other co-stars from the October comedy, Drew Barrymore and Ginnifer Goodwin. 'Word is, Aniston threatened to pull out if Jennifer was part of the cover.'"

Though we suspect Johansson would have been the target of Aniston's venom had she been free for the shoot, we're more than a little surprised to hear Connelly received the wrath (and the boot) from the other Jennifer. While Barrymore met her own boy toy Justin Long on set and Ginnifer's still dating Katie Holmes' leftovers, these two are unmarried just like Aniston. Connelly's been married for centuries in Hollywood time, and has kids to prove it. Which, of course, makes perfect sense on second thought. If Aniston wasn't going to "hit it off" with one of the movie's other leading ladies, it would have to be the sole hitched actress. We suspect Connelly's ejection had less to do with personality clashes than Aniston's desire to appear like a Barrymore/Goodwin peer, all single and tan and carefree, rather than part of the mature woman's yin to the young gal's yang.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, Getty, FilmMagic]

• JENNIFER ANISTON AND JENNIFER CONNELLY HAVING OFF-SCREEN FEUD [Celebritique]

Despite having represented Chanel's Coco Mademoiselle fragrance in addition to appearing in campaign after campaign as the brand's moody red-lipped rep since 2001, Kate Moss and her contract were kicked to the curb months after the supermodel's famed cocaine tape hit the tabloids in April 2005. Though Keira Knightley was loudly announced as Moss's replacement, Kate very quietly usurped a bit of Keira's thunder by re-entering the house of French glamour after her comeback hit its stride a year later. But by far the most publicized partnership between Chanel and star occurred when Nicole Kidman appeared in a short film directed by Baz Luhrmann to promote her new role as iconic fragrance Chanel No. 5's porcelain-faced embodiment.

But all the hullabaloo and fanfare came to a stop when Kidman became pregnant, irking Chanel and causing them to pull yet another switcheroo, hiring fellow French star Audrey Tautou to take over the reign. As Tautou's star remains lukewarm, industry insiders began buzzing with the surprising and off-kilter news that none other than heiress to the grunge throne, Frances Bean Cobain, would begin appearing front and center as Chanel's new ad girl. But Cobain's upward momentum towards the fashion world's limelight never materialized, and having perfected the art of sudden blows, Knightley is now rumored to be ousted as Watson prepares for her year or so of acclaim and glossy ads. We just hope Emma manages to keep the apparently very short attention spans of the Chanel bigwigs, or at the very least, has the stamina to turn her inevitable drug- and Britney-flashing downfall into a glittery comeback like Kate.

• 'POTTER' STAR WATSON GETS BIG PAYDAY [MSNBC]

• WATCH VIDEO

Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet: Followers include ridiculously skin-and-bones supe Gisele Bundchen, weight loss master Robin Quivers and the muscular Madonna. The 21-day detox promises devotees to shed 21 pounds in that many days "by subsisting on live juices, enzymes - and regular colonics." Fun!

The Master Cleanser: Reportedly what Beyonce used in order to nab her Dreamgirls role, Vince Vaughn allegedly follows the lemon juice liquid diet, and Jared Leto shed his Chapter 27 weight by drinking the "water mixed with lemon, maple syrup and cayenne pepper" cocktail as well. Yum!

Dr. Joshi's Holistic Detox: Fans include the clavicle-flashing Gwyneth Paltrow, original waif Kate Moss and currently slim Ralph Fiennes. The main focus is avoiding acidic and toxic foods, but the downside hardly sounds worth it, and sort of explains Kate's moody expressions in photo after photo: "Users report headaches, stomach pains, nausea and fatigue." Even more fun!

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, FilmMagic]

• CELEB DETOX DIETS MAY PROVE HARD TO SWALLOW [NYDN]

"I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention," [Katherine Heigl] tells Gold Derby.

"In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

Well, isn't that rich? Just one year after her astounding Emmy win, Heigl has basically given the entire staff of Grey's a giant, nicotine-stained middle finger. While we give her publicist kudos for attempting to spin her client's disenchantment with her television career into some sort of pseudo-stand for the integrity of the Academy Of Television Arts & Sciences, we didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. This is a Master And Commander-esque cannonball shot at the writers and show-runners of Grey's for failing to give her enough scenery to chew this season. While we don't watch the show, O'Neil reports that "one of the few dramatic turns she had on the show this past season involved rescuing a deer that had caused a string of car accidents" (which, actually, sounds kind of hilarious). Call us crazy, but if Izzy doesn't pull a Dr. Doug Ross by the middle of next season and skedaddle the fuck out of Seattle Grace Hospital, we'll eat our hat and liveblog it for you all to watch.

[Photo credit: INF]

• KATHERINE HEIGL TO STAR IN 'ESCAPE' [Var]
• Emmy champ Katherine Heigl quits the race, blaming 'Grey's Anatomy' writers [Gold Derby]

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl has no sex and not much of a city.

But this G-rated movie adventure is shaping up as Hollywood's next serious bid for female viewers, some of whom showed their power by pushing the R-rated comedy Sex and the City to surprisingly strong first-weekend ticket sales of more than $57 million two weeks ago. ...

[American Girl]'s mail-order catalog, a primary engine for sales, has a blurb promoting the movie on its May cover. Cities with American Girl retail outlets — New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas and suburban Atlanta — will get to see the movie early, beginning on June 20. That first round is being helped along on the Web with Kit's movie blog and, at the Grove shopping mall in Los Angeles, with the giveaway of "Kit's Home on Abbott Place," an elaborate playhouse built by Pardee Homes as part of a benefit for the homeless.

The homeless angle! Why didn't Speed Racer think of that? That's hardly it, though; there's the in-store, mother-daughter dining parties and the dynamic approach to the film's G rating, featuring young Kit's (Abigail Breslin) Depression-era spunkiness and "doubts" about her father, played by Chris O'Donnell, upon learning he once voluntarily portrayed Robin in a Joel Schumacher film. WB brass, meanwhile, at least one high-ranking member of which has gone on record suggesting marketing is secondary to the movies it supports, are insisting today that the experimental "poster defacement" phase of its Get Smart campaign is coming along exactly as planned. We can only wonder how Picturehouse would have done it.

• More Girls, Little Ones, Try to Take Back the Multiplex [NYT]

Flash forward to today's episode of The View, which featured an appearance from none other than Winger herself. Being the gossipy yentas that they are, The Ladies Of The View weren't about to let an opportunity to grill Winger on one of Hollywood's most famous rivalries pass them by. Well, you know the old saying that "Time heals all wounds"? Let's just say that it's not applicable in this case.

When Joy raises the issues of Debra Winger's notorious reputation in Hollywood, both Elisabeth and Sherri pile on in an attempt to get Debra to spill the beans about the legendarily cantankerous kook. But instead of taking the opportunity to be the bigger person and diffuse the situation by saying words to the effect of "what's done is done", Winger stood defiant by refusing to turn the other cheek. And proving that her case of sour grapes isn't solely limited to her narrow Oscar loss, Winger almost let us in on the (seemingly not-so-pleasant) secret of what really turned little Troy Bishop Huckleberry Fox into a blubbering mess on set. While it sadly appears that we'll never find out how many licks it took to get to the center of that Tootsie Pop, we can only speculate that it had something to do with threats of broken wind.

• The View [ABC]

• WATCH VIDEO

• WATCH VIDEO

6:58pm: Well, that was the show. Hard to tell if it was any good or not, but we know one thing for sure. We are sweaty and exhausted. Thanks for coming around and, for those of you on the West Coast who won't be seeing the show for another few hours, here's hoping you'll pop by during the show! We'll be pulling clips and dropping them into the liveblog when the show airs here. And with that, Grambo is OUT!

6:55pm: Here's something you won't see on TV. While they were rolling the credits for the Best Picture nominees, somebody dressed like one of The Strangers unsucessfully tried to crash the stage. He was wearing some sort of burlap sack over his head, but was caught by a burly security guard before he got onstage and was promptly escorted off the premises.

6:52pm: Jables has had a long day. Earlier this morning, we just happened to stroll up to Hollywood and Highland and stumbled into the Kung Fu Panda premiere. It's not everyday you walk down the street and see Jables and Cee-Lo singing "Kung Fu Fighting" at 11am, after all.

6:46pm: This Mike Myers skit about the weirdo animal trainer is really awkward, which also makes it really good in our book. But, again, I don't think it bodes well for the prospects of The Love Guru. I'm guessing he did a bit as the Guru Pitka earlier in the show — if it indeed happened, how did it come off?

6:40pm: This probably goes without saying, but Rainn Wilson was NOT naked just now. That one was for those of who who don't get out much.

6:35pm: Ellen Page just walked by us. Despite being on the tip sheet for the yellow carpet, she skipped it. Which is a shame, because we had a zinger of a question for her. Also, speaking of people who skipped the carpet, where the fuck was Diablo Cody? We were SO looking forward to finally meeting her face-to-face. But that's for another time. Back to Page, though. Not sure if she's been on camera yet, but she's decked out in black pants and a black leather jacket — which is exactly what we're wearing on a day that's 70 degrees and sunny.

6:33pm: So, Robin Antin, the manager/founder/whatever-the-fuck for the Pussycat Dolls (and sister to one of our all-time fave reality stars, Jonathan "Blow Out" Antin) was just standing behind us. Her butterface is so extreme that it makes Fergie look like Gisele. I've seen smaller canyons in Arizona than the ones on her face.

6:28pm: Someone, maybe us, needs to do some investigation into Brendan Fraser's hair. When we saw it on the carpet earlier today, we were kinda stunned by the visibility of homeboy's plugs. Can't tell how it looks on TV, but from roughly 30 feet away, we can confirm that his hair stylist should be fired.

6:21pm: We echo the sentiments of Heidiho: Lindsay Lohan's pins are hella crazed.

6:17pm: We don't think the odds of this "Viral Video" going viral are very good, but it certainly makes us want to see Tropic Thunder. Watching Downey Jr. more than hold his own with comedy veterans like Jables and Stiller confirms what we've been feeling for some time — this is his year. When Entertainment Weekly comes out with their end-of-year issue, unless something crazy happens, we are guaranteeing that he'll be their Entertainer Of The Year.

6:10pm: It must be key bump time. During this commercial break, we spotted Paris Hilton, her schlubby leprechaun of a boyfriend and Brody Jenner all head for the bathroom. Don't accuse of us being soft, here, but when Paris and Benji (or is it Joel? We can never get those two straight) walked by holding hands, they looked ... gasp ... like a real couple.

6:03pm: Tom Cruise! Although the crowd reaction to him was about one-fifth as loud as the standing ovation for Johnny Depp, the audience was pretty stunned to see him show up here. After all, unless we're mistaken, Tom Cruise wasn't even announced as a presenter for this show. He looked a little stunned when he first got on stage — he looked like he was expecting a bigger reaction, like the kind of one he used to get before he started jumping on couches. But, that said, he was the consummate pro up there. Not sure if this came through on the TV broadcast, but one of The Sandman's band members mistakenly forgot to turn his/her amp off while tuning up on stage. Cruise looked a little perturbed, but didn't miss a beat on the teleprompter. Why he gave Adam Sandler an award, though, we'll never know.

5:58pm: We commented earlier about how surprised we were that this award show had seemed relatively product placement free. Well, that just changed with an interminably long "digital short" that somehow ended up being a commercial for Orbit Gum. Also, we just realized who we talked to on the carpet a few hours back. Molls spent a good three minutes talking to the Orbit Gum Girl without even knowing who she was.

5:56pm: It might have just been us, but did The Rock's crack about "two balls being near [Steve Carell's] face" come off as more than slightly homophobic? This is exactly why marginally talented actors should NEVER improv.

5:51pm: Again, we're kind of catching up here, but why does Mike Myers sound so hoarse? Either way, it's really good to see that Mike Myers and Dana Carvey patched things up. As soon as the skit ended and the camera cut to the stars of Get Smart (that's what she said!), the two gave each other a big hug on stage. It looked totally impromptu. Still, let's hope The End Of Ideas train doesn't slow down long enough to convince these two to make a Wayne's World 3.

5:48pm: Love that they cut to burgeoning lesbian icon Lindsay Lohan when Garth was discussing the bisexual wonder Tila Tequila. Someone in the truck has been reading the gossip blogs.

5:43pm: Also, while we're here on commercial break, we are kicking ourselves for not bringing a bag of tomatoes in with us. We are within spitting distance of the cast of The Hills. Holy shit, Wayne's World reunion!

5:42pm: As much as we would like to hate on burgeoning Scientologist Will Smith, you can't deny that the man is intensely charismatic. By the way, it's a commercial break now and Rihanna is standing four rows or so down from us. She just gave a seat-filler a hideous glare when she didn't get up promptly from her seat.

5:36pm: So, we missed the beginning of the show and have a question to ask you, the loyal Defamer audience. Have their been any other Mike Myers bits like this? If so, did they go over so poorly? It's quieter than church in here. Not only did I not understand the premise — we caught something about 30 Odd Foot Of Grunts, Russell Crowe's terrible band — not a single joke got a laugh in the auditorium. This can't bode well for The Love Guru's prospects.

5:31pm: We just realized something — Ed Norton totally skipped the carpet (or, at least our part of it). Probably because he didn't have script approval.

5:26pm: Stoners nationwide are looking forward to seeing The Pineapple Express, which is currently slotted for theatrical release in the Judd Apatow sweetspot of August. We're a little confused about their bit; was that supposed to be real weed or fake weed? We didn't even smoke any weed today and we're utterly confused.

5:25pm: Phew. Back. There were some rumours that I wouldn't be able to get in, but the name Defamer strikes fear in publicist's hearts. Just watched Liv Tyler, that adorable doe of a woman, botch Coldplay's name as she introduced them. She called them Cold! Not much of a reader, that one. What else did I miss?

5something pm: We didnt' actually see this moment live but, thanks to the magic of the West Coast delay, we caught this magical moment of Mike Myers opening the show...

5:04pm: Okay, that's it! Heading inside, will be back online in a matter of minutes ... if all goes well. Fingers crossed that MTV PR doesn't fuck us over.

4:58pm: It doesn't get any more meta than me taking a picture of Molls taking a video of Brendan Fraser taking a cameraphone picture of himself.

4:55pm: Nick Denton, the guy who writes our checks, has oft been accused of having a big head. Well, he's got nothing on Jon Favreau. What a melon on that dude. Seriously. I swear I saw three tiny moons orbiting around it, by my iPhone didn't capture them. Damn shutter speed!

4:53pm: It's the one-year anniversary of the night that Sarah Silverman tore Paris Hilton a new one, the night before she (meaning Paris, not Sarah) got carted off to jail. She's talking to that British chap from MTV now, standing a good half a head taller than her boyfriend, the schlubby Other Guy from Good Charlotte.

4:49pm: Ah, the plight of being a CEO. Evil Viacom overlord Philippe Dauman and his plastic bride (or maybe girlfriend? We don't have time to Google it now) just walked down the carpet. Nobody flinched.

4:44pm: La Lohan just walked by. Like everyone else on the B-List and above, she moved with the swiftest of speed. Her haggardness was not showing, but that's just probably because Sam Ronson wasn't hanging on her arm. Like most starlets, she is lither than lithe up close and in person.

4:40pm: Will Smith and Charlize Theron just flew down the carpet faster than Viper in Top Gun. I was all, like "Where'd who go?"

4:31pm: [Also presented without comment.]

4:29pm: [Presented without comment.]

4:28pm: Rainn Wilson just confessed to us that he likes to anonymously send fake tips of celebrity sightings into us. And then he hugged Molly. That almost made us forgive The Office's premiere homeskillet for Juno. Almost.

4:21pm: When we saw Suze Orman at Saturday Night Live a few weeks back, we thought we had saw the most blazingly white set of teeth possible on a human being. Then we saw Audina Patridge.

4:16pm: Anna Faris, Rumer Willis and Kat McPhee are here to promote House Bunny. We have harbored a not-so-secret crush on Faris for as long as we can remember, and we think that this movie could be her Legally Blonde. She just looped back our way, we're trying to get her.

4:10pm: Molls vs. Tila Tequila: A match made in internet heaven. We know we're not saying anything that hasn't been said 1,000 times before, but she is TINY.

4:07pm: OMG COLDPLAY! Chris Martin just blew past us at 1,000,000 miles an hour. What a fookin' student.

4:03pm: At least Jon Voight remembered to check his teeth before coming to the awards.

3:55pm: We take what we said about Doug Benson back. He just made the same Backdraft joke that we made earlier today. Molls got some great video — check back tomorrow — of the prospects of Super High Me getting some MTV Movie Award love at next year's awards. Getting high for 30 days straight oughta get him something.

3:49pm: As much as we love Doug Benson (which, actually, is a lot), we're a bit underwhelmed to be about an hour into this thing and have him be the biggest star we have seen. But the screams are getting louder down at the end of the carpet. If we're lucky, maybe that means that a bobblehead like Heidi Montag has made an entrance.

3:45pm: We are so hard up to see some talent that we have resorted to taking pictures of reporters. Can anyone identify the blonde in this picture? Whoever she is, we are angling for the digits. Wait, we have an update! All of the camera people are now standing on their little stepladders, so it must mean that it's game time (we hope...)!

3:36pm: The last time we saw a carpet this boring, we were buying it! Groan, we know. But still. What the fuck? Right now, the "fans" sitting directly across from us — in the shade, might we add — are getting restless. They have resorted to cheering anyone who isn't wearing jeans. For instance, they just cheered four random and very overdressed girls who just so happened to stroll the carpet. They weren't even famous! Groan, we shoulda listened to Kurt Vonnegut and wore sunscreen.

3:26pm: Tweedle dee, tweedle dum. Right about now, we are reminiscing the glory days when Christian Siriano was prancing around. So, that leaves us with this ... so, how about that Sex And The City movie? We pegged it to open at $51.5 million, and although some progniscators were calling for a $70 million weekend after a blockbuster Friday, early estimates have it pulling in a mammoth $55.7 million this weekend. Which means — expect a sequel to be announced as early as this evening. Looks like Kim Cattrall was right to veto the first script a few years back, it probably would've been too soon.

3:17pm: We told you traffic was bad! Nary a "real" celeb has made their way to the carpet yet. Also — so here on Blog Row, there is a sticker right in front of our table that says, in big huge letters, DEFAMER.COM. So far, the amount of publicists that have walked by our table and shook their heads in disgust is three. We are confident that this number will grow.

3:13pm: Finally, Christian gets his due with that one British guy who does all the interviews on MTV now. Which gets us thinking. Maybe we're feeling a bit xenophobic, but what is MTV trying to tell us with their insistence on hiring foreign people to deliver the news to the millenials of America (those of whom still watch TV, that is)? Not only is there that British dude, but we happened to catch a few minutes of TRL the other day and it was being hosted by some Australian bimbette. Or maybe she was a Kiwi. We've never been able to tell those accents apart. But we digress ... why are we outsourcing these jobs overseas?

3:04pm: Rumors are sweeping Blog Row that a "big star" will be making their way onto the carpet at 3:08pm. We are positively shuddering with excitement. because so far, the most famous person we have seen is Mark Steines. Maybe the fires scared everyone away?

2:57pm: So, Christian Siriano. We all know that you're a fierce hot mess and/or a Tranny from Transylvania, but it does not behoove you to continually parade up and down the yellow carpet BEFORE THE YELLOW CARPET HAS EVEN STARTED. We know your fifteen minutes have nearly expired, but desperation does not become you.

2:49pm — - Molls and your Uncle Grambo standing at a little blue table here on Blog Row. We are standing directly in front of a throng of screaming girls, whose shrill shrieks when Christian Soriano just walked by will surely haunt us even longer than The Strangers will. And for those of you who have yet to see The Strangers, just trust us that that will be a long, long time.

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Because we're told that the paragons of feminism at CAA, less than a month removed from throwing a birthday party for ex-con Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis, attempted to sweep the contretemps under the rug after their $15 million man Aloni apparently lied about and then offered a "token apology" for his outburst. Meanwhile, other female execs at Fox (including Fox 2000 president Liz Gabler) corroborated the agent's abusive tradition, driving Chernin to act.

It was only last fall that Chernin's thinly veiled CAA wariness showed up in a Fortune profile of the agency ("They have put themselves in a place where they just have so much control over the business. ... Of course, that's not always to the good of companies like mine, but certainly as an outside admirer you have to admire their strategic thinking"), and everyone in town knows there's more where that came from. The scope and length of this Cold War has yet to be determined, meanwhile, but don't hesitate to send us your educated guesses.

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The latest celebrity said to be jumping on the nudie pregnant pictures bandwagon is Nicole Kidman, who was seen yesterday attending a “top secret” modeling session for a potential cover shoot with Frenchy photographer extraordinaire Patrick Demarchelier. While he’s no Annie Leibovitz, and it’s unknown which magazine this shoot was for, Demarchelier is a monthly contributor for Allure, Vogue, and Demi Moore’s old knocked-up-while-nude stomping grounds, Vanity Fair. So whether or not Nicole is looking to appear on an upcoming cover of VF as Demi’s successor is still unknown, but we took a look back at some classic big-bellied celebrity appearances in the past to see some glossy examples of what Kidman will be competing with in the Nude And Pregnant Hall of Fame:

[Warning: What follows is NSFW, and in the case of one Lisa Rinna shot, NSFLunch.]

Lisa Rinna posed much more naked than most in, oddly enough, Playboy for all those guys out there who just can't get off unless their centerfold is very knocked up, and Milla Jovovich posed behind a transparent sheet for Jane's body issue. Monica Belluci has taken it all off for VF before, but it was the Italian edition, which really isn't that big a deal. It's European!

Though she was nowhere near naked, the then-prim Gwyneth Paltrow did bare her pregnant belly for a W cover, while Heidi Klum might as well have been nude for the cover of Vitals while carrying Seal's spawn. And Cindy Crawford looked very Demi indeed, but in a more model-y way, on an older W cover.

Most recently, Christina Aguilera shimmied around a bed for a Marie Claire cover shoot. And of course, Demi Moore initiated the trend on her landmark 1991 Vanity Fair cover. But our favorite (if we really had to pick one) nudie pregnant shoot of all time goes to Britney Spears in Harper's Bazaar, mainly because the 2006 shoot was ironically seen as a surefire way to "come back." If only she'd known there was simply no "way to come back," she wouldn't have had to pose for those drag queeny photos at all.

• NICOLE KIDMAN TO POSE PREGNANT AND NUDE? [Just Jared]

Well, this time, DeAnna's in charge—so watch out, fellas! Unfortunately, she's a complete drip, and watching 25 desperate men enact their bizarre, species-specific mating dances (everything from duck calls, to karate kicks, to special-needs abs exhibition) isn't nearly as entertaining as watching 25 French-manicured bitches punching each other's wombs in a no-rules battle royale for the trophy husband of their dreams. Still, just as we were ready to pack it in and declare this manhunt a washout, who should saunter along but performance-enhancing-drug- and tribal-tattoo-enthusiast Greg, who, eliminated in the first round, promptly liberated himself from the constraints of that evening's formal dress requirements. Greg, you will be missed. Run free with the ca-yotes, our prince among men.

• The Bachelorette [ABC]

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