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New mother Jessica Alba found herself momentarily confused while in the dairy section of her local supermarket. Alba was surprised to see how many different types of creamers and non-dairy creamers they have in stock when all she wanted was just to find the one that they serve at her nearby coffee place. After staring at all of her dairy options for nearly five minutes, Alba just blindly selected a creamer and hoped that she would not have to face any more equally daunting decisions for at least another few days.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Matthew McConaughey and frowny-faced pregnancy loather Jessica Alba are the latest celebrities to debut their offspring via fancy photoshoot. But despite the big pay days, both of these deals come with a little bit of scandal.

Instead of swaddling with Shiloh-approved People, both stars stuck deals with OK! Magazine, which means they're now lumped in with potentially crazier, certainly white-trashier babies like Maddie Briann Aldredge. How embarrassing. And while the deal makes more sense to red-neck-empathizer McConaughey, the move is far more surprising for the higher-maintenance Alba, whose baby's name is Honor.

Of course, when dealing with all matters of the heart, these celebrities turn to their accountants to make the decision for them. And it's a good thing McConaughey did, otherwise he'd end up perhaps classier, yes, but even worse, poorer:

His publicist, Alan Nierob, begged him not to work with [OK!] because he’s considered an A-lister. But Matthew hired money man Todd Shemarya, who brokered the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie $4 million People deal."

And because of the deal, wombanizer McConaughey will reportedly receive $3 million for the first pictures of little Wrangler Levi. But alas, Alba will receive only $1.5 million, giving her yet another reason to hate everyone and everything around her. As she wipes little Honor's bottom with $10 dollar bills (baby wipes chafe!), she at least can take solace in knowing that her baby's photo will still fetch more than anyone's baby in Kansas ever will.

And where will Baby's First Millions go? Shirts and an indoor gym for daddy? Acting lessons and attitude checks for mommy? Therapy? The possibilities are endless! Luckily for us, for the next 30 years, we'll all be able to read the latest and breaking news on Levi and Honor from OK! Magazine. Imagine if Honor becomes a lovely, smiling joy? Or Levi, a buttoned-up, sober politician? My god, the horror.

• Matthew McConaughey Sells Baby Pictures For $3 Million [Fametastic]
• Baby Alba Cashes In [TMZ]

Among the quips Alba sounds off on in the mag is an overly candid series of musings on that doggone baby weight: "I never felt less sexy...I mean, I wouldn't have changed it for the world ... but I wanted to get rid of all the weight." And this whole sexy trademark of hers that serves as the sole reason behind her fame? All show and no tell: "I always used to meet the wrong guys – the ones who wanted to hang out for a week and see how far they could get. If you didn't have sex in the first few days, you were either frigid or a lesbian. So I held out." Note to these guys: a simple viewing of Into The Blue is probably just as good as having to have actual sex with the sourpuss anyway. As for her non-pants-wearing hubby No Cash Cash Warren? "I love that he's not an actor. I'm way too high maintenance to be in a relationship with an actor – they're all such divas!" Um, calling yourself a diva in the same breath as calling yourself high-maintenance? Heigl alert!

Maybe because she gave the interview to a Brit glossy, maybe because she's suffering from that silly glib disorder that served as a catalyst for the Brooke Shields/Tom Cruise War of the Mentally Unstable Worlds, or maybe Alba is just, simply, annoying. But her casual remarks on pregnancy and dating have earned her official membership in the two-member High And Mighty For No Reason club proudly presided over by the original unmerited diva herself, "Katie" Heigl.

[Photo credit: X17]

• JESSICA ALBA ON PREGNANCY: 'I NEVER FELT LESS SEXY' [People]

Nicole Richie was back to her old uber-thin self just two weeks after Harlow graced us with her presence earlier this year, and Jamie Pressly openly admitted to losing 42 pounds in 12 weeks by "only eating cabbage soup." The rest?

After having Moses, the current nudie pic exhibitionist says she makes sure all those pounds which initially "horrified" her remain at bay due to her after-hours habit of downing red wine and passing out in the garden. Who has time to eat when you're unconscious? Hubbard Formula aficionado Leah Remini claims to have lost a whopping 80 pounds in only six weeks after ordering something eerily called the 1st Personal Diet. Remini told TV Guide, "It's determined by the metabolic rate of your blood, and then they send you a diet on your e-mail." Why hasn't anyone informed Oprah of her computer's flesh-zapping knowledge?

Jennifer Lopez made a public appearance looking just like J. Lo circa Diddy only a month after popping those expensive twins out, and reportedly managed the vanishing act by shelling out $50k on a home gym, not to mention hiring a team of trainers, nutritionists and Baby Weight Loss experts to presumably make sure she never once stopped exercising. Finally, Gwen Stefani candidly told Elle that she was utterly obsessed with getting her figure back after little Kingston arrived. The only celebrity to go ahead and admit that the ways stars do it is just a bit horrifying, Stefani said she was so adamant about the process that she was still exercising two weeks before giving birth. And cried about it. Live and learn.

[Photo Credit: X17]

• OH BABY! JESSICA ALBA SHOWS OFF HER FABULOUS POST-PREGNANCY FIGURE [Daily Mail]

The Fake-Outs: Mid-2007, before Britney was deemed an American Tragedy, she was on her way by tragically dating the poor man's David Blaine, Criss Angel. And photos of her blonde-weaved sunglasses-at-night self wearing a sparkler set the Britney-hungry gossips ablaze, only to disappoint us when no marriage plans surfaced. Another Bimbo Summit alum, Lindsay Lohan, was rumored to be on the soberific path towards married life with then-beau Harry Morton in 2006 after showing up to a premiere purposely placing a ring-adorned hand on her hip. But we all know how that union turned out. And the most recent and admittedly exciting engagement rumors were sparked after photographs of Kate Hudson wearing a real-life wedding band surfaced just as gossip started spreading that she and Owen Wilson were back on. But a major "D'oh!" was heard loud and clear after realizing Kate was filming this flick called Bride Wars and merely in character.

The Real Things: Beyonce Knowles started wearing massive diamonds on all her fingers ever since she could afford them, but the one she wore this January while sitting next to Jay-Z at a concert ended up being the engagement variety after all. And just days after being photographed candidly in her car with a new rock, Jessica Alba confirmed her engagement to the confusing man of mystery that is Cash Warren. As for Mariah Carey, poor girl sparked engagement rumors by publicly showing off her ring from Nick Cannon, only to learn soon after the actual wedding that it was recycled. Oops.

[Photo Credits: Fametastic, Showbiz Spy, Female First, Babble, Stupid Celebrities, Hollyscoop, Daily Mail]

• NOW CAMERON DIAZ FUELS ENGAGEMENT RUMORS AS SHE FLASHES HUGE SPARKLER ON HER WEDDING FINGER [Daily Mail]

• WATCH VIDEO

Alba, who has yet to offload the rights to Honor's first photos, nevertheless did Paramount a huge solid by keeping the openings of both her womb and her new film The Love Guru — opening everywhere June 20! — in the closest possible proximity. Expect our first sun-kissed, blobby look that week, followed by rough calculations of how Alba's imminent thousand-year Hindu curse impacts little Honor. Here's hoping Vishnu goes light on her.

• Jessica Alba and Husband Cash Warren Welcome Baby Girl [US Weekly]

Joining in this campaign is the Spiritual Science Research Foundation, whose editor Sean Clarke has outlined the spiritual consequence for being associated in the movie. Based on an afterlife demerit point system, those involved with making the movie can anticipate residence in the second region of hell for 1,000 years. Watching it for entertainment would carry its share of consequences, too.

As baffled others are quick to point out, anti-Love Guru spearhead Rajan Zed has not yet seen the movie, though Paramount reportedly promised him an early preview that he pledged to take advantage of. Still, we are deeply troubled by the 1,000 years of damnation facing beloved figures like Myers, Alba and particularly Verne Troyer, whose one-two punch of Postal and The Love Guru (not to mention his mortifying Surreal Life stint prior to that) seems like a millennium of personal and professional hell no Hindu demerits could possibly outstack.

And anyway, if a real-life love guru can get out of a molestation rap in Texas for $10 million, surely the stars can bargain with someone in this crowd who has some afterlife influence.

• Hating the Love Guru [Eye Weekly]

Ms. Alba, 27, is a television and film actress whose first break came being cast as the lead in an updated version of dolphin-adventure children's television series Flipper. She would later rise to prominence playing a genetically enhanced super-soldier on the Fox network's Dark Angel. She became an instant fan favorite for her stunning Latin/French Canadian looks, and it wasn't long before she made the leap to the silver screen, with prominent roles in Honey (2003), Sin City (2005), Fantastic Four (2005), Into the Blue (2005), and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007). Ms. Alba is ranked frequently as one of the most desirable women alive by men's magazines like Maxim and FHM, and has earned such acting accolades as a Choice Actress Teen Choice Award and Saturn Award for Best Actress. She is a graduate of El Roble Intermediate at Claremont and home tutoring.

Mr. Warren, 31, is a producer. He is the son of Michael Warren, former star of Hill Street Blues. He graduated from Yale University in 2002.

The couple met on the set of Fantastic Four, where Mr. Warren was working as assistant to the director. They were engaged last December, shortly after announcing that Ms. Alba was pregnant with the couple's first child, expected some time in early summer.

[Photo credit: WireImage]

• Jessica Alba Gets Married to Cash Warren! [People]

In today's installment: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren, Kiefer Sutherland, Jay Leno, Goldie Hawn (with Oliver Hudson), Adam Brody, Cheryl Hines, Ali Landry, Davy Jones (singing karaoke, no less!), Casey Affleck, Traci Lords, Marlee Matlin, Dog The Bounty Hunter, Chris O'Donnell, Adam Carolla, Romany Malco, Scott Caan, Dee Snider, Ms. Jay, Robert Culp and more!

SUNDAY, APRIL 20
· Saw Jay Leno getting out of his ride at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach before his weekly appearance there every Sunday evening. Practically side-swiped the driver next to me while gawking at Jay's car. Didn't get the make and model but I can confirm that it looked very silver, very fast and very expensive.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25
· Spotted Marlee Matlin and her Dancing With the Stars partner (?) at the valet at Forever 21. Can't figure why they were there together as I heard they were voted off the show earlier in the week. Don't ask how I know that. Anyway, she is tiny and he..... not so tall. She drove them away in a huge gas quaffing SUV.
· Yesterday saw John Ennis (Mr. Show and Walk Hard) at the Nature Mart in Los Feliz.
· Saw Perry from Make Me A Supermodel at Vons at Sunset/Virgil @ 7pm. Tall, thin, wearing a wifebeater and looking FINE. With some dressed down chick, not sure if it was his gf. She manned the cart of course, Perry was too busy struttin'.
· I saw Dog the Bounty Hunter (and wife) 4am Friday at LAX. Dog was wearing an American Flag windbreaker.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26
· I had dinner at El Compadre tonight, where I waited for our table next to Ms. Jay from ANTM. Then, I went with some friends to the Sly & the Family Stone concert at the House of Blues. We found a good spot near the stage, and I turned around to see Daryl Hannah. She was with a younger couple, and really beautiful - laid back - in person. She was sporting a Marvin Gaye T-shirt and a belt made out of the pop-tops from soda cans...
· First, on Continental #65 from Newark to LAX on Saturday, Cheryl Hines was in first class. Very hot and very tiny in person, also very polite and low-key. She even walked to the parking garage with the car service driver from baggage claim.
· Was hanging out at my favorite Saturday night spot, Britannia Pub in Santa Monica, for karaoke (technically, Starraoke™) when we got word that none other than our childhood hero, Davy Jones, was at a table in the back. (Attention youngsters, I'm talking about the singer from The Monkees, not the character from Pirates of the Caribbean.) A quick trip to the ladies' room confirmed it, so one of my friends signed up for "Daydream Believer" in his honor. No more than a bar of music went by when Davy came bounding up from the back room, grabbed my friend and the mike and proceeded to perform the whole song with her, with the whole bar singing along (when they weren't snapping pics with their cameraphones). Mark it down as one of my favorite LA moments so far.

SUNDAY, APRIL 27
· Then, Sunday afternoon at the Hollywood Farmer's Market, bumped into Casey Affleck quickly making his way out of the crowd of hipsters. A couple hours later, saw Jonathan Togo (CSI Miami) at the WeHo Whole Foods, also moving through the store very quickly.
· While attending the Indian Film festival at the Arclight, I sat about three seats away from Nancy Kwan, who only looked about ten years older then she did in The World of Suzy Wong. On the way home I saw Robert Culp (I Spy) buying bananas. He's ambulatory and buying produce on his own at 10pm on a Sunday, which is pretty good for pushing 80.

MONDAY, APRIL 28
· Last night after the She & Him show (awesome!) at the Vista — Adam Brody having Amstel Lights at the Good Luck Bar, with a mystery blond that kinda looked like Arielle Kebbel, but I don't think it was her and shouldn't start rumors... or did I just do that?

TUESDAY, APRIL 29
· I spotted Chris O'Donnell by a Delta baggagae carousel at LAX. Navy blazer/jeans. Very preppy. Flew in from Atlanta. Such potential that one...
· Today was the highlight of my week, no make that my month. Saw Kiefer on Ventura Blvd/Balboa coming out of CHILI MY SOUL. He was clearly in great mood. He posed for pics with a couple of heavy set gals...one even got him to say damm it in to her cell phone. The Kiefer looked awesome, very skinny! Tennis shoes, jeans and blue t-shirt. He left with a pretty brunette who was dressed in of all things blue scrubs. DAMM IT my cell was in the car!
· I went to the Fox Hills Mall in Culver City yesterday for lunch and was blocked from using the newly reopened escalator by JC Penny by a PA with a serious God complex. The escalator was only for actors who were shooting on location. Well, it turns out the actors were Steve Agee (from The Sarah Silverman Program) and Adam Carolla. Carolla was sporting a huge fake Amish beard, Agee looked exactly the same as he does on Sarah Silverman.

THURSDAY, MAY 1
· Was having dinner at Mi Piace in Pasadena on Thursday evening when the crowd parted and I beheld Jerry Springer. How's that for a weird one? He sat with his back to the window on Colorado and ate alone quite peacefully. No chairs were thrown.

FRIDAY, MAY 2
· Near-fatal Goldie Hawn sighting. Driving up to my cousin's place in Pacific Palisades, saw a large group of seeming-hippies communing in the middle of the street. One of them appeared to be holding a baby up in the air, sort of bizarrely baptismal. Get closer, baby-holder is Goldie, hot son Oliver Hudson is next to her, and I think the baby in question is Oliver's. As I drive by, Goldie gives me a big smile and waves hello.

SATURDAY, MAY 3
· Saturday night I saw Romany Malco (Weeds / Baby Mama) with a cute lady friend playing cards at Stir Crazy coffee shop on Melrose.
· In front of Larchmont Wine & Cheese, I spotted a squat Scott Caan — first spotted because he was wearing that hat — was sitting with his dog and a group of dudes that looked as you would expect a bunch of dudes eating with Scott Caan to look. as it goes with these kinds of things, he was shorter than expected.


Later on in the afternoon, was driving down melrose when I see a family crossing the street, complete with an olderish blonde with oversized breasts. My first thought was, "her husband must be a real d-bag." I scan the rest of the family until I see Dee Snider. I immediately feel bad for assuming he would be a d-bag [Ed. Note - Why? I think you hit the nail on the head.] and continue driving, hoping he hadn't heard my inner monologue.

· While trying to see Iron Man at Century City, I see Titan from American Gladiators, who stands about 7 feet tall (plastic coif included) and 3 feet wide.
· During another interminable wait for food at the Griddle Cafe, i see Jim Parsons from the CBS show Big Bang Theory. He had to wait for a table, just like the rest of us civilians, unlike...
Jessica Alba, who walks right in and sits at a booth. Didn't see her body but her face definitely looks fuller. Still looked good. Cash Warren walked in a little later and was appropriately unassuming.

SUNDAY, MAY 4
· Dorito Girl Ali Landry at the Alcove on Hillhurst for a late lunch. With her cute Mexican director husband and adorable baby girl. She's amazingly gorgeous in person, throwing Doritos into washers or whatever it was she did in those commercials did not do her justice.
· Traci Lords at the Santa Monica Farmer's Market this morning, with a friend and adorable baby. Looked very happy and healthy. I had to suppress the urge to say hello and tell her how awesome I think she is.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7
· Walked by Adam Goldberg on Little Santa Monica on Wednesday around lunch time. He was by himself waiting to cross the street. I always thought he was maybe cute but didn't get confirmation until I was standing
right next to him. He was looking cuddle worthy in a black hoody, dark jeans and cool espadrille type Vans.
· I saw Clea Duvall and Zach Quinto at Brently Heilbron's show at Tangier tonight.

THURSDAY, MAY 8
· Spotted a couple celebs in Beverly Hills on Thursday afternoon. Kathy Hilton and not surprisingly
very happy looking Stan Lee were strolling past Jack 'n Jill's. Don't worry, they were not together.

boomp3.com


Actress Jessica Alba expressed her frustration about being pregnant to friends at dinner over the weekend. Alba thought that being pregnant was going to be cute and fun and maybe filled with clever one liners like Juno, but Alba compared her current situation to the movie No Country For Old Men. "At first, it's exciting and interesting, but you know once you get to that third trimester, it doesn't make any sense and you just want it to be over. I understand that it's the miracle of life and yadda yadda yadda, but I need this thing out of me, so I can knock that skinny bitch Megan Fox out of my rightful spot on those lists of sexiest actresses."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

With Sarah Silverman at the helm last year, MTV saw a 68% gain in the ratings compared to their 2006 outing with hitless pretty face Jessica Alba hosting. Alba's try gifted MTV with a 26% loss in viewers, despite her aesthetic appeal. And despite Lindsay Lohan's myriad costume changes during her 2004 hosting gig, ratings were still down from previous years. Apparently choosing randomly from the glossy pages of Us hasn't done justice to the previously shockworthy show. We can only look forward to September, when a comedic talent like Myers takes the reigns over from tabloid fodder once again to prove that hosting duties require much more than a resume listing bikini-heavy roles in otherwise forgetful films.

• MIKE MYERS TO HOST MTV MOVIE AWARDS [People]

5. Kim Kardashian: Losing ties with Paris didn't hurt Kardashian, mainly due to public interest in her gravity-defying behind, which has since landed her family a reality show and herself an endorsement deal with Bongo.

4. Jessica Simpson:: All that exercising in preparation for her role as Daisy Duke may not have given her any acting cred, but it make her butt worthy of filling out the trashtastic shorts of legend.

3. Jennifer Lopez: What Diddy likes, we like.

2. Jessica Alba: Not an Alba bikini photo crosses our screen without a dash of immediate regret on our part for not going to the nearest 7:30am pilates session that morning.

1. Jessica Biel: Well, sometimes photos simply speak for themselves.

[Photo Credits: CelebNewsWire, Red Reporter, TalkStink, Gag Report, Publisher's Weekly]

• CHRISTINA RICCI: I WANT JESSICA BIEL'S BUTT [People]

boomp3.com

Perhaps the second most unhappiest pregnant woman in Hollywood, Jessica Alba explain to a friend at Whole Foods that during the course of her pregnancy, her breasts were going to get much larger, much to her dismay, but much to the satisfaction of her baby daddy, Cash Warren. Alba already has been complaining about back problems and fails to see how this can be the biggest trend. Alba's friend mentioned that she's doing something bigger and far more greater than another Fantastic Four movie. To which Alba replied, I guess.

[Photo Credit: X17]

Jessica Alba's not lacking in the mammary department, yet producers still felt the unwatchable Into The Blue could benefit from a little boost for Alba:

Emma Watson was not a girl but not yet a woman when Harry Potter: The Order Of The Phoenix came out, but marketers wanted her to be a woman, goddammit!

Perhaps the flattest of them all, Keira Knightley, famously had her barely-there bust bazoomed on the King Artur poster in an attempt to get more people to ignore how boring films set in the Middle Ages tend to be:

And yes, we did say Lindsay Lohan's miraculous rack was enhanced in the past, but it was actually quite memorably reduced on the Herbie poster so as not to scare the kiddies:

• ACTRESS KATE HUDSON GETS A DIGITAL BOOB JOB TO PROMOTE NEW MOVIE [Daily Mail]

10. Cate Blanchett, who pretty much picked the most stunning maternity dress we've seen since Kate (excuse us! Katie!) decked herself out in Versace and Dolce while carrying the mysteriously conceived Suri.
9. Heidi Klum in Galliano, who managed to make popped collars look glamorous.
8. Katherine Heigl,whose one-strap gown was the most perfect red for a blonde with aggro issues.

7. Amy Adams in Proenza Schouler, whose bustier top made us forget that innocent twang she's perfected in interviews altogether.
6. Calista Flockhart, whose billowy gray and white gown officially erased those OMG SHE'S SO EFFING SKINNY pics of yore from our memory.
5. Cameron Diaz in Dior, who we'll now forgive for that controversial Valentino extravaganza she waltzed through last Oscars in to unsuccessfully make Justin Timberlake regret his dumpage.

4. Jessica Alba, who never really looks bad, but finally figured out a way to tell Hollywood to take her seriously.
3. Kelly Preston in Roberto Cavalli, who we think may have finally turned Johnny T. straight by looking 20 years younger tonight.
2. Keri Russell in Nina Ricci, whose baby weight has disappeared faster than it took to deliver the damn thing.

1. Penelope Cruz:Because of its sheer and utter flawlessness.

• Latina Magazine [via /Film]

1. Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour - $29 million
Not even Super Bowl weekend, normally a box office wasteland where studios dump product they hope will attract female moviegoers seeking refuge from the booze-lubricated football orgies taking place in their living rooms, was a match for the combination of Miley Cyrus and alter ego Hannah Montana, who, unsurprisingly, shattered™ the record for this frame with their 3-D enhanced, musical 'tween-bait.

The 683 theaters showing Hannah racked up a staggering $42,459 per-screen average, a mad rush to precious few screenings fueled by parents trying to atone for their refusal to be extorted by opportunistic brokers who recently held Cyrus's live concert tour hostage; for a mere $10-$15, they were finally able to silence the cries of "I hate you! Why are you soooo cheap?" of 12-year-olds who refused to understand why their moms and dads wouldn't cough up the $350 to $2000 advance in their allowances it would take to see their hero lip-sync her way through their favorite songs.

2. The Eye - $13 million
Overcoming the handicap of that 22% Tomatometer rating, Jessica Alba has proven that she's the go-to actress for when a studio absolutely, positively needs to open a horror remake during a traditionally slow weekend slightly above the crucial, $10 million "now we feel a little better about not releasing it direct to video" threshold.

3. 27 Dresses - $8.4 million
4. Juno - $7.450 million
In lieu of offering another tired burger phone joke or trying to unravel the mystery of Katherine Heigl's box office appeal, we instead note with sadness that our beloved Rambo fell off 60% to a $7 million, sixth-place finish in its second weekend. America seems to be missing out on its chance to see perhaps the most violent movie of all time on the big-screen, where each bowling-ball-sized gunshot wound and exploding head can be enjoyed in its full, stomach-churning glory.

11. Over Her Dead Body- $4.6 million
Once Gold Circle made the fateful choice to abandon the movie's original, far-catchier title, Phantom Cockblocker, in favor of something blander, Eva Longoria's fledgling film career was doomed to a speedy demise.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE February 1-3, 2008 [BoxOfficeMojo.com]

While it cannot be argued that Jessica Alba has appeared in a couple of box office successes since graduating from the small screen (namely, the Fantastic Four franchise), it can be argued that these few bright spots had little to nothing to do with Miss Alba's acting chops or on-screen charisma and everything to do with the existing popularity of the material in question. As for the fate of The Eye, well, it sure looks like Lionsgate is gonna have their hands full now that Hannah Montana is on the scene. Don't fret, Jessica — there's always prosethetics!

• Rotten Tomatoes

7) Katie Holmes in New York City Marathon - No bra? No WAY! Whatever she's sellin', we're not buyin'.
6) Angelina Jolie in Beowulf - Digital bazooms aside, the choice to resurrect her dreadful Russian accent from Oliver Stone's Alexander made us cringe in all three dimensions.
5) Rachel Weisz in Fred Claus - Only a schlubby hack like David Dobkin would cast this impossibly fair-skinned Brit to play the role of a Chicago metermaid who falls hopelessly for the slovenly, unshaven older brother of Santa Claus.
4) Jessica Simpson in Blonde Ambition - Her rack got better support last year than this movie's theatrical release (opening weekend = $1,190)!
3) Jessica Alba in Fantastic Four 2 - We actually never got around to seeing this, but only a colorblind infant would buy those horrendous blue contacts!
2) Claire Danes' eyebrows in Stardust - Most distracting eyebrows since Simon Baker's in The Devil Wears Prada.
1) Ellen Degeneres in Iggygate - We believed her more when she pretended to be straight.

• The Best And Worst Of 2007 [Moviefone via Gawker]

In today's episode: Jessica Alba and Cash Warren; Larry David; Seth Rogen; Dave Annable, Matthew Rhys, and Emily VanCamp; Larry Birkhead; Laurence Fishburne; Peter Krause and Bob Odenkirk; Tony Hale; Jamie Lee Curtis; David Hasselhoff and Spoon; Connie Britton; John Landis; Cindy Crawford; Sharon Lawrence; and Janice Dickinson.

· I just ran into Jessica Alba and Cash Warren at the Ralphs on Doheny and Beverly Blvd, about 10:30pm Tuesday Dec. 5th. Cash was pushing the grocery cart and seemed to be doing all the shopping, while Jessica was wandering up another aisle by herself. She wasn't looking at anything on the shelves, just wandering, which I thought was odd. Also, there was a beautiful white Bentley GT in the parking lot. I'm assuming it was hers.

· Larry David having drinks last night (12/6) at Wilshire in SM with a smoking hot young blonde. Seriously, she was like late 20s, all done up and starlet-y. Not a daughter/relative/assistant b/c he was sitting on a bar stool and she was cozying up to him. And she kept smiling all lovey-dovey. Not a first date, but it looked like it was new. Nice work, LD!

· 11/30 - Went to Boulevard 3 to see Ringside play a late night show (almost too late for this old lady) and of course saw Balthazar Getty (he's in the band) but also spied his t.v. brothers Dave Annable and Matthew Rhys) who both looked so cute in person. I was told that the girl sucking face with Annable was his illegitimate t.v. sister (Emily VanCamp)- ew. But I don't watch the show much, so I can't say for sure. The band was solid, sounded better than I remember— LUV that song 'Tired of Being Sorry'!

12/02 - Was waiting in line at Milk on Beverly Blvd and Seth Rogen walked in behind me with a petite, down-to-earth looking brunette. I approve of the coupling (if that's the case). Not sure what they got, but I do know he drove off in a brand new shiny black Lexus sedan.

Really old, sorry: 11/19 - Daughtry show at the Orpheum. I was NOT there to see Daughtry (although those fans make for some good people watching). No, I was there to see cuties The Midway State— talk about an odd pairing of bands! Anywho, during the break between TMS and Daughtry, I spied much shorter than expected and just as thin as assumed, ANS baby daddy, Larry Birkhead. Now, I don't think the man is attractive, but in pictures he has that saccharine cuteness thing going. Not so in person. He was just sorta there.

· Dec 3 - WEIRD! I'm at the back bar [next to the kitchen] at the Abbey, and who's standing to my left? Laurence Fishburne. Wearing a black leather jacket, and with a white male friend around his age. Make your own speculations about this one!

· 12/5 Saw Bob Odenkirk (he of the hilarious Mr. Show and the unfunny everything else, not the reliably unfunny /Steve/ Oedekerk) at the Koo Koo Roo on Larchmont and Beverly. He was all "WGA this," and "strike that" into his cel phone. When I drove away I nearly hit Peter Krause crossing Larchmont. Maybe he was too busy thinking about the Darling family blah blah fakety-fake (though this /was/ a real sighting).

· Tony "Buster Bluth" Hale and family in line to see Santa at the Grove: It was last night (12.6.07) at around 5:00. My son and I were in line a few people back from them. Very jovial fellow. Their nearly one year old, as expected, didn't care for being on Santa's knee.

· Dec 4- With all the Jamie Lee Curtis sightings earlier this week, I feel obliged to give you mine. I was at a Shepard Fairey preview before the opening and saw her talking loudly to her Robin Quivers-eque friend about a piece she would have bought if it wasn't already sold. Not bad for a cougar but kinda sending that 'militant lesbian' vibe....but in a good way. Excellent art show BTW.

· Dec 5- Spotted the band Spoon outside baggage claim at LAX. Later, David Hasselhoff wandering down Robertson. He looked bewildered and sorta wandered back and forth around the block. He was probably waiting for someone to recognize him.

· My total girl-crush Connie "Mrs. Coach" Britton - enjoying a late supper at Cafe des Artistes in Hollywood on Thursday night. It looked like a date as they were still deep in conversation as we left at 12:30 AM. If it was, dude has definitely outkicked his coverage. Happy Holidays!

· Dec 5 - Dammit, I just just saw 80s auteur John Landis at the Metropolitan Museum of Art gift store at the Century City mall. He and his wife came in to shop just as I was paying my bill. He looks pretty much the same since the "Making of Thriller" days, albeit a little greyer. I assume he was with his wife, who is pretty and classy in a mature/non-plastic surgery-laden way. I so wanted to tell him what a huge fan I was, but chickened out. I may just have to settle by watching my "American Werewolf in London" DVD.

· Dec 3 - Was on a little vaca down in San Diego this weekend and spotted Cindy Crawford hanging at the recently opened Sweetwater Saloon in the new Hard Rock hotel. I was way too shy to approach her on my own, but my wonderful girlfriend stepped in to make the introduction. Cindy, who is just as beautiful in person, was very gracious and sweet ... and I may never wash my hand again.

· Dec 6 - Last week saw Sharon Lawrence in the lobby of my office building; looking very content...and very doable...I always thought she was hot in a MILFy-like way...

· A couple of sightings from Wednesday's Spice Girls show: I wasn't anywhere near Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but I did spot Nick Verreos, who was right up by the runway and totally into the show, and Janice Dickinson, who had floor seats but seemed to be coming and going the whole time.

In today's episode: Jason Lee, Giovanni Ribisi, Nate Corddry, BJ Novak, and Rainn Wilson; Hilary Swank; Eddie Murphy, Jessica Alba and Dane Cook; Kiefer Sutherland; Diane Keaton and Ron Popeil; Frances McDormand; Jeanne Tripplehorn; David and Victoria Beckham; Sharon Stone; Donald Faison; Kevin Bacon; Kim Basinger and Slash; Donald Sutherland; Billy Crystal; Keith Urban; Adam Goldberg; Will Arnett; Michael Cera; Christina Ricci; Tim Meadows; Seal and Heidi Klum; Andy Dick; Laura Prepon; Mark McGrath and Bonnie Franklin. In China: Josh Hartnett.

· I'm probably not the first to write in about the arcade fire show at the hollywood bowl on 9/20, but we seemed to be sitting in the special nbc section. giovanni ribisi and jason lee were sitting together nearby, giovanni looking trim and tiny, jason lee rocking the earl mustache. they were smiling a lot and seemed to be there with their ladies. spotted nate corddry of the late, not-too-much-lamented "studio 60" sitting close to bj novak from "the office." bj had a beard and wore a hoodie and seemed to be trying hard not to be recognized, leaving before the show was over with the lights still down. that was a huge contrast to rainn wilson, sitting a few rows behind us, who seemed to be hanging with friends but chatted with every well-wisher who came by to tell him how much they love dwight schrute. he stayed til the end and sang along with every song. as far as we could tell, dwight and ryan the temp did not make contact with each other...

·Arcade Fire at the Hollywood Bowl, 9/20- Rainn Wilson in the box seats. He wouldn't take a picture, but he let a friend and me talk to him for about five minutes. Was wearing a jacket from his new movie "The Rocker." He then proceeded to stand up and rock out during most of the show. Very nice man.

· Just saw Hilary Swank and her CAA boyfriend (I don't know agents & too lazy to research...it's like John Parcheezi or something, right?) enjoying Saturday morning (9/22) brunch at Patrick's Roadhouse in SM. I can report exclusively that she looked very petite and feminine in a royal blue track suit and long hair pulled back for a Sat morning. Really cute, actually.

· Wednesday September 19th, around 10PM.
I saw Eddie Murphy at the "Good Luck Chuck" premiere party at Napa Valley Grille. He was a late joiner to the party—his reserved sign looked different. Anyway, he showed up with 2 guys and 2 pretty young things, all dapperly dressed. Apparently he refused to use the guest bathroom, and instead was escorted to the employee bathroom to do his bizness.
Jessica Alba (looking reaaaaal skinny, with a big ole entourage) and Dane Cook were both there, nice enough, surrounded by hanger ons.
That's all.
Hope that helps.

· Walked into Mr. B in Burbank, escaping a torrential downpour in Burbank, Saturday the 22nd. The bar seats were full of regulars, but I saw a slight, darkly dressed man in a corner booth, on my way to the restroom.

I came back to the table my boyfriend had selected and he said '9 o'clock' ( the corner booth). It was Kiefer Sutherland with a Coke in a bucket and a shot of something brown, intently text messaging on his cell phone. He looked trim and quite handsome.

The regulars were all quite aware of him. One asked for an autograph, which he graciously penned. Another asked for a cell phone pic; again, he obliged. And another offered to buy him a drink, but he kindly explained to the bartender that he was just stopping by for one on his way home from work.

On his way out, he shook many hands. Seemed like he was quite familiar with the place. Did I mention that he looked trim and quite handsome in all black with a trench/raincoat?

· My friend and I decided to take a long lunch in Beverly Hills today and drink some wine on company time. While I also saw an actual celebrity, Diane Keaton (wearing the bowler hat she has on every time I see a picture of her) the real treat of the afternoon was spotting the king of the infomercial. Looking about as I remember, but maybe a little older, was the inventor of the veg-o-matic, the solid flavor injector, the spray paint toupee, and many other modern marvels, Ron Popeil! I know I should be ashamed, but I haven't been so excited in quite some time.

· On Friday I was at Sharkey's on Beverly Blvd (Beverly Hills). I was chatting away with my friend when all of a sudden, right next to me was Frances McDormand. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with the cutest little girl, she is the coolest and was smiling and super friendly to everyone.

· wednesday 9/19: strolled into the newly remodeled joans on third, i
see jeanne tripplehorn — eldest and most wrinkliest of the "big love" sister-wives. she was eating with a man and a young boy and, thankfully, bill paxton's naked posterior was not present.

thursday 9/20: pretty late into our meal at neal fraser's restaurant
grace, around 9:15, the door opens and a silence falls over the room
as victoria beckham enters wearing a very tight, very short black dress. she sits down in the corner with three business-looking people, but then sends one of them to the hostess to get them moved a few tables over. she didn't look nearly as icy or robotic as i'd expected and, dare i say, almost seemed pleasant. about 10 minutes later and with less fanfare, a surprisingly thin david beckham comes strolling in with a sweater/tie combo and sits next to posh. for the rest of the meal, the duo don't seem to talk to each other much. maybe posh is mad that becks is home because of his injury? go play some soccer or something, bro.

saturday 9/22: waiting outside of griddle cafe, a short-haired Sharon stone comes in with her son and cuts to the front, bypassing the mass of peasants waiting outside for a table. she definitely looks her age, but was very involved with her son. later on in the meal, Donald Faison — he of "clueless" and "scrubs" fame — saunters in with his girlfriend.

·Friday 9/21 7 pm. Kevin Bacon, sauntering out of Ammo on Highland, with agent-type, and younger-looking version of Kyra. Mr. Bacon looked not a day older than his Footloose days, but at least his haircut was better.

·Two for one.
Wednesday 10/19 KushiYu in Tarzana
Slash looking GOOD and very un-bloated eating sushi with his family. No one but me knew who he was. He is not letting the 90's die.
Kim Basinger was also there. Looking beautiful but in a bad outfit.

·Sunday September 23 - I saw Donald Sutherland at the Third Street Promenade, walking E. down Arizona. Long, flowing silver hair. Dark sunglasses. Tan-ish suit. No expression, actually sort of zen-like. Just walking at a moderate pace. Just a regular guy on a Sunday afternoon. Happens to have spawned Kiefer. That is all.

·Keith Urban getting off a Vancouver to LAX flight on Sunday, September 23rd. No entourage, very low key. Gave me some pause when he bypassed the waiting town car driver to head straight for the bathroom, but I'm sure it was totally innocent. Seemed very humble and cool.

Billy Crystal dining at Toscana in Brentwood on Monday, September 24th. Looked like he was with his wife and a friend.

· I saw Adam Goldberg at the 3rd Street Trader Joe's on Thurs., Sept. 20. He is in surprisingly good shape, very toned. But tattoos running up and down both arms and a crazy look in his eye. I would cast him as the unibomber in a heartbeat.

·It's been my week of Arrested D cast sightings. I strolled past Will Arnett on Larchmont this past Friday afternoon. Dude is tall — and hot!!

· Finally managed a contemporary sighting; it's usually 70's TV b-listers for me in the valley. Entering the Jamba Juice in WeHo Gateway Friday afternoon (9/21), Superbad's Michael Cera entering with a young bearded guy and a young woman. They exited with their smoothies 10 minutes later while I sat and enjoyed my concoction in the plaza. Wearing a gray wool cap and a reddish hoodie, he looked about 12, chattering away with his friends. Honestly, he barely looked old enough to drive, and totally normal. But then he did play a high school student in the movie.

· 9/23/07- Starbucks in the Target center at Santa Monica and La Brea- there sitting in a corner was little Christina Ricci with what looked like a freshly chopped Vidal Sasoon bob- looked great on her. She was talking to producer Barry Mendel. As I waited for my mocha (yeah, I like mocha's, bite me) I could hear them talking. And I'm pretty sure Barry asked her if she mourns not being able to play a certain type of role b/c of her age. COME ON, Barry, learn yourself some tact!! You don't ask an actress anything related to age— get it together, man! Hopefully, I just misheard him (but I'm really only saying that so the lawyers don't come after me).

· Saw SNL alum and perpetual Ladies Man Tim Meadows ordering pizza on Friday night at Village Pizzeria in Larchmont. It took great strength not to ask him "say, sweet thing, can I buy you a fish sandwich?"

· 9/22 - If Seal or Heidi Klum are reading this, I swear I'm not stalking you. If you guys are stalking me, however, you're more than welcome and sorry for boring you. This was the second Sunday in a row I've spotted Seal at the Starbucks on Beverly in Beverly. This time he was with the Mrs. and driving a more family friendly SUV. As I was walking out of Starbucks, I heard a blast of Seal music coming from said SUV and caught Heidi Klum grooving to her hubby's tunes in the passenger seat. The couple, dressed in rock 'n roll cool jeans and t's, walked into Starbucks holding hands. They're hot and look like they genuinely have great times together.

· Spotted Andy Dick on Sunday night (9/23) at Amoeba. Startlingly, he appeared to be wholly sober, and refrained from molesting any random passers-by (that I could see). He was with a cute 20something blonde girl - she seemed normal enough, but must have a screw loose somewhere because, well, she was voluntarily in the company of Andy Dick.

· 9/23 - Laura Prepon, AKA "Donna from That 70s Show", looking blonde and generally very pretty, spotted with two female friends at the Pinkberry in Los Feliz on Vermont. She paid for her friends' yogurts which means her total probably came to $50 or something. How generous of her! And it's not even really yogurt.

·Mark McGrath on the 22nd floor of the Mandalay Bay late on Saturday night Sept 22, or was it early Sunday morning?....walking with a bunch of dudes and a 12 pack of BUD LITE?? Looks like they were post show (Sugar Ray played Saturday night), but I hope they were going someplace where no one minded if the brought their own cans.

· Friday the 21st - While enjoying the weather in Downtown Ventura, Lo and Behold! Bonnie Franklin of One Day at a Time fame! Ms. Ann Romano looks GREAT! "Hey Annie! Where's Schneider!?"

Special Great Wall of China Josh Hartnett Edition:

· I walked the Great Wall on Thursday and spotted Josh Hartnett with two British friends, one male and one female. The girl was dressed in a totally inappropriate tight and short black spandex tank top/skirt one piece thing that had all the Chinese blushing and pointing and commenting all day. She was also constantly taking photos of Josh for which he happily posed. Never photos of all three of them just being friends on the wall but photos just of him striking a pose. I don't think anyone on the wall would have noticed him if not for that. You don't exactly expect to see celebrities in a place like that. At one of the stops where a guard charges you extra to keep walking the wall (very Chinese) Josh and his friends loudly laughed and complained about being ripped off. They were clearly joking because the amount was like 2 dollars each but it seemed more like mockery to the locals and a bit over the top. He was wearing a black t-shirt with a low round scoop neck and a pair of jeans. At some point he wrapped a white t-shirt around his neck like a scarf and he had on Ray Ban Wayfarer shades. He was really nice to anyone who approached him and asked for photos or wanted to chat for a bit. There were only about 5 people who did so and they were British frat boy types. After the hike to the Si Ma Tai section of the wall he sat and had some beer with his friends. There was a lot of talking about deals and agents and dinners and stuff like that. It was all a little surreal for the location but a bit of unexpected fun on a really great day.

• Jessica Alba 'Hasn't Worked Out In Months' [People]

In today's episode: Brett Ratner; Owen Wilson and Adrien Brody; Aaron Eckhart; Jessica Alba; Kevin Connolly, Jason Behr and KaDee Strickland; Jon Heder; Sarah Michelle Gellar; Holly Madison; Danny DeVito and Busy Phillips; Matt Groening, Karen O., and Vincent Gallo; Emmy Rossum; Mathew Lillard; T.R. Knight; Jamie Kennedy; Sean Hayes and Megan Mullally; Brian Austin Green; Tempesst Bledsoe; Walton Goggins; Josh Charles; Tom Irwin and Lizzy Caplan. In Vegas: Johhny Depp and Les Moonves.

· Friday (6/1), about lunchtime, I'm in cluster fuck that is the parking lot at the SouthWest corner of Sunset and Crescent Heights, well, parking. None other than Brett Ratner and friend/driver walk out of the lil' fro-yo/ice cream shop in front of me with their lil' fro-yo/ice cream treats, and hop into their Bentley that is parked next to me. He looked like a happy, little boy with his special treat. Bless his heart.

· Monday night, at the Viceroy — it was a battle of the noses! The Butterscotch Stallion Owen Wilson was chilling in the back of the bar with none other than Adrien Brody! They surveyed the back patio area before heading inside (it was pretty cold, admittedly). They were pretty low-profile, and left a little before last call (at midnight? what is UP with this city?).

· Driving through the "flats" in Bev Hills yesterday (5-31) and who do I see looking lost in his expensive british SUV? None other than soon to be 'Harvey Dent" himself, Aaron Eckhart. Quite handsome, even when lost ( must be the blonde thing). Also, looked older than I thought. Well, blondes don't age well, do they.

· 6/3 - While passing a Coffee Bean in BH on Sunday morning, I overheard a sweet voice rejecting a guy with, "I already have a stylist." I instantly recognized the teeny, svelt backside to be none other than Jessica Alba mere hours before rocking the MTV Movie Awards red carpet (no offense, but thank God she wasn't hosting this year). I'm sure it didn't take her the rest of the day to prep - she looked flawless in jeans, hoodie, wet bun and little to no make-up.

· 5/27 - This one is coming a little late, but I didn't recognize these two at first and had to look them up. Shortly after spotting Kevin Connolly at BLD, I noticed Grudge stars turned husband and wife Jason Behr and KaDee Strickland. She looked pretty and younger in person and smiled in a Cool-I-Think-Someone-Recognizes-Me way.

· Ran into Kay 'n' Dave's in Brentwood to pick up some dinner last night (6-1) and saw Jon Heder with wife, twins and other family member types packing up to leave. He was in full on dad mode, but the pulled-down baseball cap over the 'fro gave him away as an actor-in-hiding. Sadly, Pedro was not with him.

· Peroxide sightings from Westwood...First up Sarah Michelle Gellar at Westwood Equinox last night (6/1/07). She is cute, small and blonde. Then this morning saw Holly Madison from The Girls Next Door at the Starbucks on Santa Monica and Pontius. Also cute, small with the blondest hair I've ever seen. No makeup, which was surprising. Beautiful skin (maybe she's taking some of Hef's age defining magic pills??).

· Arcade Fire show (Tuesday 29 May) at the Greek...Sat right next to Danny DeVito and his two kids. They got there well before the show and watched a bit of Electrelane...He wore a baseball cap and sunglasses throughout most of the show. I made several trips in and out of the row for beers and bathroom breaks, but he was always super nice and smiled saying "Thats alright, dont worry about it!" I literally almost ran him over in the VIP at Coachella last year, so its rad to see that he's a big music fan. Oh, his kids had beers, but he didnt drink. Guess they dont serve Lemoncellos at the Greek...

Also saw Busy Phillips (of Freaks and Geeks fame) who looked WAY better than I've ever seen her. Thin, blonde, and happy suits her much better than dumpy, brunette, and scowling.

· Spotted Busy Phillips (a.k.a. Kim Kelly from the late, great Freaks & Geeks) with boyfriend/husband-type guy at the 5/29 Arcade Fire show at the Greek. Was surprised to see that they had wrangled front-row seats.

· 5/31 - Troubadour, had a nice double whammy hipstery kind of sighting. First Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs outside, looking kind of demure and not the least bit crazy at all. Second, inside, the King of all Nerds, Matt Groening and his son. We discussed how he had curated All Tomorrow's Parties years ago and had programmed in Electrelane. I did not ask him if he got to the show riding in a car made of actual money.

6/1 - At the Natural History Museum for 'First Friday' event, talked to Vincent Gallo, at first I couldn't tell it was him at first or just another bearded hipster. Told him I used the Brown Bunny as a kind of test for my friends (to which he responded, "You test your friends?"). Spotted Karen O **AGAIN** and once again, she just seemed like any other nice human that doesn't wear tights with holes in the crotch or crams microphones down her throat.

· Vincent Gallo at Pacific Dining Car (Downtown), Friday night with unidentified diner...looking ever so scraggly. Chews with his mouth full, ugh.

· Ok, so I went to the 10:55 screening of "Knocked Up" on Sunday at the Grove. It eventually sold out with like minded stoners, but anyhow that's not the point here. I saw Emmy Rossum walking out of the 10:30 showing of the same film with that nerd guy she has been spotted with and I shit you not he is even worse in person. Zits. Horrible Clothes. Frighteningly bad patchy facial hair. Either this guy is a billionaire or has a 17 inch cock or some combo of the two. She had her hood up and looked cute. Mathew Lillard was there the next day in the afternoon talking on his phone looking kinda douche-y. Yes I was at the Grove on back to back days.

· the grove, sunday 6.3.07
after emerging from the the 4 day ordeal that is pirates of the
caribbean 3, came upon celebrigay, t.r. knight, and his faggle near the entrance of the theater. much shorter than i imagined but super adorable. the 't' stands for tiny, apparently.

· So I was at the FedEx by my office last week, and after standing at the counter for a short while I realized that the obnoxious guy wearing a blue-and-orange tracksuit talking on his cellphone was none other than Jamie Kennedy. He signed for a huge box and kept asking the person on the other end of the phone about "the girls" and if "we could make noise there". He then lumbered off with his package, which I'm guessing from the conversation was full of party hats and maracas.

· I was dining on the lovely outdoor patio at Orso on 3rd last night and in walks Sean Hayes and another guy. I thought, "OK, mildly cool" until, 10 minutes later, former Will & Grace castmate Megan Mullally sauntered in with a significantly younger, scruffier man (A quick check on IMDB leads me to believe it was spouse Nick Offerman). Wannabe-Ellen greeted Sean with a long, warm and sincere embrace, then sat with their respective partners at a 4-top. Much gabbing ensued, but like their erstwhile TV show, I didn't stick around for the last five, overly sentimental minutes.

Oh, I also thought I saw Aaron Spelling, but then I remembered he croaked last year. Must have been some other withered wraith.

· Hey. I work across from Berry Elegance in Studio City. Celeb sightings often enough from the store. This week, blasts from the past, Brian Austin Green and Tempestt Bledsoe. Oh, not together.

· Thursday, 5/31, 10am, saw The Shield's ultra bad boy, Detective Shane Vendrell (Walton Goggins) at BLD having breakfast with some lovely lady who seemed to be a wife or girlfriend judging by how absorbed they both seemed by their newspapers (in a relaxed way, not a hostile, weird way). My dining companions are not Shield addicts like I am, so the significance of this sighting was lost on them, though they were both highly amused when Shane glanced over at our table as he wa