There's just one thing: as the two-thirds of Defamer who've seen the movie can confirm, there is an on-screen threesome in Vicky Cristina Barcelona — albeit a tame, brief one. Details after the jump:

Now, keep this in mind: Woody Allen has never been big on the sex scenes. Even the recent, sensual Match Point was all about the foreplay and afterglow, baring nary a R-rated body part. So, too, is Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which features two separate foreplay scenes, each set in the same darkroom: one where Johansson and Cruz lock lips, and one where the kissing actresses coax Javier Bardem to join in. The latter scene doesn't escalate far beyond "You kiss me. Now, you kiss her. OK, now I kiss her!" but it's still fairly steamy for the Wood-man, all things considered. Is it on par with the champagne-soaked menage a trois from Wild Things? Not unless Scar-Jo gets a do-over with Ryan Reynolds and Barack Obama.

• Can Horny Movie Critics Make Woody Allen’s ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’ a Hit? [New York]

• Vicky Cristina Barcelona's Big Three-Way Lie [Gawker]

You see, Penelope has been suffering from a very common disorder among borderline crazy celebrities since she was a wee moth — a troubling situation involving a "monster" living inside her, determined to "sabotage the most beautiful moments" in her life. We can only presume this demon tends to follow the same pattern each and every time she says "Uh oh! Here it is again! Go away and leave me alone!": Flashing its diamond-tipped manicure and next season's skinny men's suit from Marc Jacobs, the pinkies-out being scatters a potent amount of fairy dust on ex-"boyfriends" like Tommy and beer swilling boy-fan Matty McConaughey, distracting their bedazzled eyes from the beard they desperately require. Which is sad, considering one of the nicest things her Secret Lives Of Women director Isabel Croixet had to say about the Spanish star was how the sight of Cruz naked is the "least sexy moment in history." Perhaps someone ought to FedEx a copy of Secrets to those Maxim boys, requiring a "correction" in their next issue?

[Photo credit: The Celebrity Blog]

• PENELOPE CRUZ W MAGAZINE 2008 COVER PHOTO [The Celebrity Blog]

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While the rest of us may be dealing with the last gasp of winter or stressed over the impending recession and escalating gas prices or wondering why that person we met last weekend never called, Academy Award winner Javier Bardem and Academy Award nominee Penelope Cruz have a best solution to all of our problems, fears and concerns. Just go to the south of France, hang out, and just read a good book. Your cares and concerns will just melt away as you work on your tan. When you look good, you'll feel good, you know?

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

First, we present the predictable lot: Courtney Love, who Us claims "supported herself by stripping" after not fitting in at the girls reform school she attended. Then there's (RIP) Anna Nicole Smith, whose sordid past will soon be making its way to a television screen near you, followed by rapper Eve, who Us quotes as saying, "The money was good...I don't regret it at all."

But about those three Oscar noms? As for the guys, Brad Pitt and Javier Bardem, we'd pay good money for those shows. But Renee? Eh, ten years ago maybe, but we fear a pole could quite possibly break her in half these days.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage]

• STARS' SECRET STRIPPER PASTS [Us]

Elton John 16th Annual AIDS Foundation Oscar Party:

Elton John coddled Best Actress winner Marion Cotillard, while model Petra Nemcova and Sean Penn canoodled all night as the newest couple in Hollywood making their big debut on Oscar night.

Harrison Ford (victim of perhaps Jon Stewart's worst joke of the evening) arrived with the (finally) well-dressed Calista Flockhart; Courtney Love managed to clean up her act; Seal turned the cameras on the cameramen.

Kate Beckinsale proved having kids does not a schlumpy mom make; Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres continued their Lesbians Are Cool, Just Deal With It Tour; Jeremy Piven took a break from his yoga pursuits to swing by The Rocket Man's shindig.

Other guests included:
Simon Cowell, Sharon Stone, Diddy, Minnie Driver, Heidi Klum, JC Chasez, Chace Crawford, Len Wiseman, Al Roker, Billy Joel, Chris Noth, Chris O'Donnell, Christian Slater, Faye Dunaway, Tara Reid and Zoe Saldana.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images and Wire Image]

Confirms Bardem: "You see yourself, you see the haircut. You don't realise that it's affecting you in a very delicate way, through your own psyche. What happened to me was that after a couple of weeks, I was a little bit - a little bit - strange to myself. There was something that was not familiar. It was like, 'What am I doing here?" Of course, even the most profound of these wounds will heal instantly upon receiving his Best Supporting Actor in two weeks, particularly that brief fear about an inability to get laid. [Entertainmentwise UK via Guanabee]

In today's episode: Javier Bardem; Gary Oldman; Lindsay Lohan, Adrian Grenier, and Danny Masterson; Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman; Jesse Metcalfe; Kyle MacLachlan; Matthew Fox; Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale; Billy Baldwin; Minnie Driver; Chelsea Clinton; Paula Abdul; Chris Noth and Sarah Chalke; Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa.

· Musing that I hadn't spotted a celeb since Richard E. Grant in Soho (London) the day before Thanksgiving (I know, it doesn't count), when I saw Javier Bardem, accompanied by an ND woman (only saw her from the back), eating what I assumed was the ubiquitous Pinkberry and walking along Abbott Kinney Blvd. Saturday (the 12th). V., v. hunky. Has a large cranium.

· Sunday afternoon, 1/13, Aroma Cafe on Tujunga. Along with all the
bitches (literally and figuratively) clogging up the joint was Gary Oldman, with a youngish woman, looking startlingly hot. I've always had a Gary thing but deee-ayum! Tall, stylish, excellent hair and all-around looking good. He can Rosencrantz my Guildenstern anytime. Sorry, I had to go there.

· Saw LiLo, with entourage in tow, exiting the Arclight last night (Jan 13). Pretty sure she watched THE ORPHANAGE as a similar size group shuffled in during the trailers. She was lighting up on her way out of the theater so I am guessing she didn't get the gig of spokesperson for Ariva, the smoking cessation lozenges.

· I had three celeb sightings at the Arclight Theatre last night,
Sunday the 13th:
1) Adrian Grenier, looking normal and looking for his friends.
2) Danny Masterson sporting a strike-beard and an "I'm so indie and hip 'cause I have a radio show" porkpie hat.
3) Lindsay Lohan. Yes, she was wearing leggings, shiny black ones (that actually looked spandex) with a big oversized blue t-shirt and a big black hoodie/sweatshirt/jacket (I didn't want to stare so I didn't get a good look. Also I was very busy trying not to laugh at the leggings).
I usually don't care about seeing the famous, but seeing Lilo in
leggings after reading the FUG girls complaining about how that's all she owns... well, it was too good not to pass on.

· Kaysu-Ya on Sunday, 01/13, Jesse Metcalfe with two male friends. Also, on Sunday, Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman hiking with son (?) and dogs at Franklin Canyon Park.

· Saw Kyle MacLachlan with a table full of younger men at Ghengis Cohen Friday night. None of the guys could have been over 30 years old. As far as I'm aware, KM is straight, but it was enough to make you ponder the opposite. He looked adorably preppy in jeans and a polo.

· Jan 11 - Drove past Matthew Fox, who was stopped at the Holloway/LaCienega light in a Silver Mercedes M-Class. Even by himself in traffic, the guy's default expression is one of wide-eyed disdain for your stupidity. Oh, I guess my stupidity. But then, at least I have more than one friggin' expression in my repertoire. No Oscar wins in his future, methinks.

· It was a Star Sighting Sunday.

Heading west on Beverly just after brunch when I spotted an attractive, sunglass-covered blonde in the passenger seat of a black Range Rover behind me. She looked make-up free, but with a signature tartan plaid newsboy cap, there was no mistaking it was Gwen Stefani. I craned my head to get a look at the driver, and sure enough it was Gavin Rossdale in sunglasses and black thermal top. They were driving casually with all windows down to enjoy the amazing weekend weather. IMHO, they challenge Brangelina for best-looking-couple EVER.

Later that night at Century City mall, spotted Stephen Baldwin with a couple friend heading to the movies. He looks exactly as he does on Dirty Sexy Money. [Ed. note: They must have meant Billy Baldwin.] I expected messier/bloat-ier, but he looked pretty good.

· While shopping at the Hollywood Farmer's Market today (1/13), I spotted a woman walking with a purpose through the crowd with her son on her hip. It was none other than Gwen Stefani and Kingston with only one assistant nearby. She looked like a doll of herself with a ton of makeup on and her typical LAMB wear. I don't think she stopped for the woman from the Humane Society screaming at her to sign a petition.

· Saw Minnie Driver and friend getting a coffee at the Whole Foods on Fairfax. When they were in the checkout line, her friend commented on Josh Brolin's GQ cover. Minnie sounded very happy for her former fiance, noting, "This is all he's ever wanted, to get good roles and work with good directors."

· Sat 1/12 The Abbey Out with my fave faggle for brunch when we spotted former first kid Chelsea Clinton and a small entourage. Looked like she was with a geh or two, herself. She looked great! No stumping seen during her brief stop. She and her posse left in a giant pass van.

· Jan 14 - I just walked by Paula Abdul in front of a dance studio on Ventura in the SO. As I passed her, she literally started to cry and whine and looked all kinds of crazy. Best sighting ever.

· Sunday afternoon hiking Runyon Canyon, noticed a large, sweaty Chris Noth making his way downhill. Not a pretty sight. On my way out, I also passed Sarah Chalke from Scrubs (she's pretty, even without makeup) headed uphill.

· Saw Moon & Dweezil Zappa eating together - with their perspective kids and a few friends - at Canele in Atwater Village. Early Sunday night.

Meanwhile, our city's shadowy society of film-nerd freemasons, the Los Angeles Film Critics Assn., met at their pentagram-shaped conference room 12 stories beneath the Grove American Girl store, where a slaughtered goat's entrails revealed for them the following winners: Best picture, director, and lead actor honors went to Paul Thomas Anderson's There Will Be Blood, Amy Ryan took supporting actress for her work in both Gone Baby Gone and Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, and best actress kudos went to Marion Cotillard for her Edith Piaftastic turn in La Vie en Rose.

UPDATE:

More returns: The New York Film Critics Online Awards 2007 has a tie for best picture: There Will Be Blood and The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. Day-Lewis and Bardem take top actor honors, and Julie Christie (Away From Her) and Cate Blanchett (I'm Not There) take actress honors. Boston Society of Film Critics give it to No Country, directing goes to Bell's Julian Schnabel, and in another sure sign that it is the year of the murderous psycho, Ben Foster wins best supporting actor for his roles from 3:10 To Yuma and Alpha Dog. The Washington, DC Area Film Critics Association, meanwhile, gives No Country best picture, the Coens best director, George Clooney best actor for Michael Clayton, and Julie Christie—clearly in the +60 hottie category previously occupied by Helen Mirren— best actress.

• 'No Country' tops with N.Y. critics [Variety]
• LAFCA 2007 winners list [LAT]

• Penelope and Javier's Romantic Holiday! [Popsugar]