Defamer: Jason Segal

Top Ten Worst Kissers In Hollywood: From The 'Icky' To The 'Sweaty' To Tongues That Taste Like 'Kitty Litter'

Molly Friedman — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 17:00:29 PDT

We’ve already heard enough stars insisting that those sex scenes we find either major turn-ons (Mickey Rourke force-feeding Kim Basinger strawberries on the kitchen floor in 9 1/2 Weeks) or majorly eye-scarring (Heather Graham faking her way through grainy limo thrusts in Boogie Nights) are totally perfunctory while filming. With the massive crew surrounding them, the sudden lighting checks, and simple fact that they’ve gotta feign spontaneous heat take after take, we’ve leaned towards taking their word for it. And as it turns out, no matter how big the star or legendary their prowess in the bedroom, even simple kissing scenes with the most gorgeous A-listers around range from “awkward and sweaty” to “slightly icky and sort of wet.” Where Tom Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Harrison Ford, Leonardo DiCaprio and more rank on the list of Worst On-Screen Kissers after the jump.

Harrison Ford, Outed by Helen Mirren: "She considered him 'the nicest, sweetest guy you could want to meet. But he can't kiss - he finds it impossible to kiss on screen.' Then, she added: 'He's probably not very good off screen either. It's not just me - other actresses agree. Whenever we get chatting off screen and we get around to talking, we come to the same conclusion.'"

Jason Segal, Outed by Alyson Hannigan: "Alyson refused to kiss him or do any romantic scenes with him, because he smelled like smoke. He thanks her for forcing him to do that because now he not only smells better, he feels better as well."

Orlando Bloom, Outed by Keira Knightley: "Keira Knightley claims Johnny Depp is a better kisser than Orlando Bloom...When quizzed on who she thought was the best kisser out of the two actors, she told InStyle magazine: 'Johnny Depp certainly wasn't bad.' Despite Orlando's gushing praise for Keira's kissing technique, he did admit he found it 'peculiar.'"

Steve Carell, Outed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson: "I just see Steve Carell's lips. 'So the bottom of a cat's paw - the soft supple part underneath - that's what Steve Carell's lips are like. But his tongue is like kitty cat litter. That's the physical experience.'"

Woody Allen, Outed by Helena Bonham Carter: "He tells you up front certain ways of kissing he does not want. No exchange of liquid is permitted. It can be a bit offensive because he makes no effort at all."

Angelina Jolie, Outed by James McAvoy: "I can tell you what it was like to kiss her on a film set: It was awkward, sweaty and not very nice."

Tom Cruise, Outed by Thandie Newton: "Kissing Tom Cruise was slightly icky and sort of wet. I'd really go home at the end of the day actually moaning about how hot it was and how many times we had to do it."

Victoria Beckham, Outed by Corey Haim: "She does this little grr gnaw thing that felt like a girl gnawing on your lip."

Sienna Miller, Outed by James Franco: "The British beauty's toothache made filming a nightmare. Franco admits filming the scene was far from enjoyable and had to be cut short when his co-star complained. He says, 'I think we kissed once in that film and it wasn't at all intense - there was no rolling around or anything. Sienna's molar was giving her pain so she called the dentist!'"

Leonardo DiCaprio, Outed by Virginie Ledoyen: "I think Leonardo is a nice guy. But I don't want him as a lover. There [was] no honest passion. No real sensitivity in our love scenes. In our underwater love scenes all I could think of was not drowning. I can't even remember his kiss."

[Photo credits: Getty, Wire Girl, Showbiz Spy, Renee Ashley Baker, NetGlimpse, Wireimage]

JAMES MCAVOY: KISSING ANGELINA JOLIE WAS 'NOT VERY NICE' [ITW]

New Book Dives Inside Actors' Trousers To Reveal The 'Donkey'd,' The Perv And The 'Biggest Ever Seen'

Molly Friedman — Fri, 16 May 2008 09:00:00 PDT

Like it or not, nerd-turned-comedy-mogul Judd Apatow has tapped the fleshy center of the zeitgeist once again by unleashing Jason Segel’s manhood unto the world. And now, it looks like there’s a very hard hardcover release to look forward to in which Hollywood’s most legendary male assets are celebrated and outed — and we’re not talking shockers like Milton Berle. Among the nuggets revealed in Hollywood Babylon: It’s Back include the actor that's been called “donkey’d” by his female co-stars, the 1950s poster boy’s package was well-known in the prepubescent boy community, and who once posed nude for artists, earning himself the whisper, “It was the biggest I've ever seen. It made me drop my charcoal pencil.”

As the NY Daily News reports today, Johnny Depp is the actor who once had the "donkey'd" reputation among those female stars lucky enough to learn for themselves, and Sean Connery had already made it big by dropping trou for art students before breaking out on-screen. As for the alleged pedophile, the tome claims James Dean had an ongoing fling and obsession with a 12-year old boy. Legend Elia Kazan, not exactly an altar boy himself, apparently once remarked, "I've known many actors who have been twisted up in their sex lives, but never anybody as sick and unhealthy as Dean was." We can only wonder what the Streetcar director would have had to say about Apatow's dirty-talk flicks reigning over the silver screen today.

FRONTAL ASSAULT ON HOLLYWOOD [NYDN]

Innocent Trees Are the Latest Victims in Insidious Anti-'Sarah Marshall' Campaign

STV — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 09:00:00 PDT

While we appreciate the earnest viral efforts of studio marketers on behalf of Cloverfield, The Dark Knight and even half-assed fare like Quarantine, there's a strangely revolting quality to the derisive, almost misogynist analog throwback accompanying the new Apatow Assembly Line comedy Forgetting Sarah Marshall. So much so that a mad bomber is fighting off those Universal billboards and bus placards with a guerilla campaign that we can't determine is the real deal or just some second wave of the studio's low-concept offensive. Help us decide after the jump.

Jaded as we can be, the actual human in us does bristle a wee bit at the tasteful YES YOU LOOK FAT IN THOSE JEANS SARAH MARSHALL and I HATE YOU SARAH MARSHALL plugs scrawled all over our nation's metropolitan hubs. We'd love to think the anonymous San Francisco reactions picked up Tuesday by Hollywood Elsewhere are simply meta-culture critiques of media saturation and the General Absurdity of It All. Still, we wouldn't put it past the postmodern jokers at Uni to have stripped a batch of interns of their ID's, put $50 cash in their pockets and quietly sent them out like Watergate plumbers to fight their nasty word-of-mouth against trees, street lamps and anything else tape will stick to. Either way, we're guessing the real Sarah Marshalls of the world are considering viral marketing overall the stupidest idea ever right about now.

Bay Area 'Sarah' Backlash? [Hollywood Elsewhere]