Cashing In
Ah, the three trimesters of Hollywood child birth: 1. pretend to love pregnancy, 2. schedule a c-section in order to sidestep any labor or stretching of siren vag, and 3. whore out your newborn's picture to the highest bidder. It's such a magical time! And while there are critics, it's a natural response to choose to splash your baby's face across the tabloids, especially when you constantly publicly reminisce about the good ol' days when you could buy panty liners in private. And why participate in the Hollywood Baby Bonanza? It's not like the early publicity will morph your kid into some kind of poorly mannered fauxhawked skunk. However, it will get you paid.
Matthew McConaughey and frowny-faced pregnancy loather Jessica Alba are the latest celebrities to debut their offspring via fancy photoshoot. But despite the big pay days, both of these deals come with a little bit of scandal.
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Y'All
There was a time — let's call it "January" — that
Britney Spears and her sister Jamie Lynn appeared to be a post-holiday gift granted to us by the benevolent Tabloid Gods: while Britney
checked into the psych ward and
spurned Dr. Phil's advances, Jamie Lynn
pulled a Juno and got pregnant at age 16. Since then, though, the media firestorm surrounding the two has begun to burn out. Even Britney herself appears kind of over it; as Jamie Lynn prepared to give birth away from all the flashbulbs in McComb, Missouri, the slow pace of her natural delivery prompted Brit-Brit to
snap her gum in annoyance:
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Spears Inc
We can now joyfully report that
Jamie Lynn Spears, 17-year-old sister to Britney and an accomplished children's TV star in her own right, has delivered her first child at Mississippi Southwest Regional Medical Center in McComb,
Us reports. It's a healthy girl, named Maddie, weighing in at 7 lbs., 11 ounces. New-Spears-Family-Member fun facts after the jump!
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Mommy Dearest
Time to mark your calendars: Lynne Spears, mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn, has an official September release date for her memoir about raising two of the world’s most tabloid-friendly children, Through The Storm: A Real Story About Family And Fame In A Tabloid World. In the book, Spears will supposedly take the Dina Lohan route and disguise motherly resentment as motherly love and “express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother's eyes,” according to the publisher, who specializes in “inspirational books and Bibles.” But how rosy and cozy can the tome’s description of family life be with a title referring to said life as a “storm”? And given the nature of celebrity family members' tell-alls in the past, coupled with the assurance that this will not be “a parenting book,” we certainly hope Lynne follows in the footsteps of Nancy Aniston and Virgie Arthur by revealing a bit more dirt than the rote "Britney And Jamie Lynn Were Perfect Angels" tales (given the fact that they’re, um, not these days). We took a closer look at five of the most trash-talking tell-alls from stars’ estranged and/or envious relatives to whet our appetite in the meantime:
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Lists
Despite less-than-stellar ratings and only one season in the bank, the creators of the hormonally charged, red lipstick-laced Gossip Girl are already hard at work on putting together a spin-off. As THR reports, producers will use the original books’ It Girl series as a blueprint, in which the social-climbing, scandalous and date rape-prone Jenny Humphrey character (Taylor Momsen) is shipped off to boarding school to clean up her act — just as the show’s main character, Serena Van Woodsen, had been punished for bad girl behavior like sex with BFFs’ boyfriends and being an über-lush by spending a year in the supposedly rigid countryside enclaves north of Manhattan. As the producers spin their wheels hoping that GG network CW bites, we took a look back on the Boarding School For Bad Boys And Girls phenomenon on television to get a sense of how ridiculously and erroneously Hollywood writers have been depicting these New England pastures in the past:
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babies making babies
Baby showers tend to be happy, innocuous gatherings dabbled with smiley supportive friends, gushing family members and the occasional guest who clearly doesn't want to be there. But when
Juno Lynn Spears throws a big ol' baby party down in sweet home Louisiana, party guests also include armed guards and security detail. Why? Well, big sis Britney came to town, bringing her best pair of booty shorts and that memorable messy blonde bun from her barefoot bathroom escapade days along. The rest of the guest list, including which family member was noticeably missing, after the jump.
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birthday birthday birthday
Just as we were about to laugh a little bit at
Juno Lynn Spears' decision to
spend her 17th birthday at a Ruby Tuesday restaurant and going on a shopping spree at Wal-Mart, we remembered back to our 17th birthday and stopped laughing. We were in college, in suburbia, and spent the day in class, then at some chain restaurant with our boyfriend, and probably at the movies in the mall. How quickly we forget that Jamie Lynn is still just a kid! Just because she's grown up before our eyes and starred in a hit show and, well, gotten pregnant, doesn't mean the girl shouldn't abandon her awkward late teen years and all the mall-filled nights that go with them. More details on our favorite real-life
Juno and her day of kicking "16 And Pregnant!!!" headlines to the curb, after the jump.
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engaged and underage
There's some good news and bad news to report regarding
Juno Lynn Spears' wedding plans and, in standard fashion, we'll present the bad news first: Jamie Lynn will apparently not be getting hitched, nor moving back to, LA. Sorry to disappoint any of you who adore the sounds of helicopters circling 'round and 'round your neighborhood daily, or the great fun of late-night gurney trips the young mother will no doubt be taking over the next few years. The good news? Jamie Lynn's gonna look hot in her wedding dress! More details on what
her trailertastic plan is to ensure she looks "beautiful" walking down the aisle after the jump.
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babies making babies
Judging by some of the odder items featured on
Juno Lynn Spears' alleged
baby registry, it seems as though the 16 year-old is hopeful that her precious little one will turn out to be another Spears family cash cow. As
People revealed this morning, Jamie Lynn drove over 80 miles from her home in Kentwood to
register her bundle of joy at Babies R Us (we're guessing the internet must've been down in Kentwood?). Listed among necessities like strollers and baby monitors priced at $199, the mommy-to-be has picked out some jazzy presents designed to jump start an infant's road to insta-stardom, which will likely come via a role on some Nickelodeon song-and-dance show. See the full list, including the
Idol-in-training items, after the jump.
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The Spears family is never short on surprises, and
today's announcement that Juno Lynn Spears' sperminator
Casey Aldridge will go from babydaddy to fiance is one of the most pleasant ones we've heard in years. Casey, who's all of 18, apparently gifted Jamie-Lynn with the extraordinarily detailed-in-description "rock" a few days ago, and
People reports that Spears has been flashing it around ever since to friends and family. All we're left wondering is what kind of party the heavily preggers Jamie Lynn will throw come April 2nd, the date of her 17th birthday. Our suggestion? An Abba-themed 70s dance-a-thon, during which JL will sing/cry her way through "Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeeeeeen" over and over and over. [
People]
babies making babies
Come
April 4th,
Juno Lynn Spears will finally turn one year older (and, we can only hope, wiser), at which point she'll finally be able to escape the nasty stigma of being Sweet 16 And Pregnant. But, sadly, she will never be able to escape the stigma of being
Britney Spears' sister. At least, not technically. But based on photographs taken of the smiling Jamie Lynn in Louisiana yesterday, she may have figured out a way to distance herself from
The Package using nothing but her wardrobe. While we are not necessarily advocating short shorts and visible bras as appropriate outerwear for pregnant teens, when you compare it to Britney's penchant for visible bellies and bikini tops worn as, well,
tops, Jamie Lynn looks downright Victorian in comparison.
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defamer casting
Break out your varsity jackets and teasing combs, because Beverly Hills: 90210 is getting a B12 shot in the ass. As THR reports this morning, the beloved fictional halls of West Beverly will be refurbished and re-populated with a brand new spinoff on the CW. Though a pilot has yet to be written by Veronica Mars producer Rob Thomas, and the tweeny network has yet to sign any papers, we'd like to prevent Aaron Spelling from rolling over in his grave by offering our own suggestions for who should play the new versions of Brenda, Brandon and their rotating group of bed buddies. Although we kinda doubt a marching band dusted with school spirit could help our Donna Martin graduate...
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rivers in egypt
Even more disturbing than the chastity belt-like lock and key chain on the front page of Jamie Lynn Spears' website is the fact that it hasn't been updated since June 2007. Well that, and certain images appearing under the tab "Cool Stuff." Such as? A smiling Kate Hudson, a frowning Chad Michael Murray, and...an image of the Statue of David. Way to show your vast knowledge of both celebrities and iconic works of art, Juno Lynn! But is a photo of you showing off your empty uterus in a skin-tight dress at last June's premiere of Nancy Drew really the latest "News" you're offering your tweeny fans?
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bad education
Whether or not you believe the U.K.'s
News of the World's
highly dubious but insanely entertaining account of the events that led up to her 5150 Straightjacket Meltdown, one specific detail particularly resonated: The one where Britney calls up Jamie Lynn, says, "You're not going to be the only fucking Spears on the front cover of a magazine next week," then abruptly hangs up on her.
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short ends
· Apropos of nothing save our own need to get the f'hell out of here (we have tuxedo fittings, noisemaker sound checks, and blind champagne testings to get to), we thought we'd rerun our personal favorite video of the year—QVC chicks getting down! We can only hope to party half as hard as the comfotunic-selling ladies of shop-at-home television did early in October.
· We bid three fond farewells to our departing Gawker comrades.
· Worker 3116 imagines what Alien Vs. Predator Vs. A Crowd of Fussygussy New Year's Eve Party Guests might sound like.
· "For Lease - Trendy Area - Not Here - This Clearly Not Trendy - We Know That - What We Look Like - Hick From Van Nuys" [via Franklin Ave]
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short ends
· Well, at least we know where Mike Huckabee stands on the Jamie Lynn Spears issue. To the rest of the candidates: We're waiting.
· After taking the whole family to see The Water Horse, Angelina Jolie is now intent on adopting one of the adorable baby Nessies to add to her ever-growing, multicultural brood.
· How one laid off below-the-line staffer learned to stop worrying and love the strike.
· Now you have no excuse for driving on New Year's Eve (unless you plan on spending it anywhere on the Westside): "All Metro Rail lines will run all night, every 20 minutes."
· The Oscar ballots are officially in the USPS's hands now: God be with them, and may they never end up in the dead-letter office Santa's P.O. Box.
· Now, thanks to the internet, you can stare indecisively at the contents of other people's fridges from around the world.
jamie lynn wombwatch
Jamie Lynn Spears's tot saga is really shaping up to be 2008's answer to the onion-layers complexity of big sis's 2007 mental breakdown. Newest development: the dad might not be fellow recent-driver's-license-acquirer Casey Aldridge, but an exec at the kiddie net Nickelodeon, according to a Star magazine report:
The father of Jamie Lynn Spears baby is NOT boyfriend Casey Aldridge, according to shocking reports from the U.S.
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Defamer
