The dollars aren't disclosed, but follow the jump for a depressing if fascinating array of blockbusters for sale, the brands that bought them and the ultimate recognition of their unholy unions:

Most Mouthwatering, placement most likely to prompt an immediate purchase: Louis Vuitton in Sex and the City

Perfect Fit, best chemistry between a brand and a film: Manolo Blahnik and Sex and the City

Welcome to Reality, fictional brand that you would most want in real life: Stark Industries in Iron Man

Scene Stealer, brand that stole the spotlight from its human co-stars: Ford Mustang in I Am Legend

Bomb, placement that ruined enjoyment of a scene: Nokia in Cloverfield

Odd Couple, most awkward and seemingly ineffective product placement: LG mobile phone in Iron Man

Film Whore, film that most “sold out” for product placement: Sex and the City

We were surprised to not see Transformers and its over-the-top GM endorsements singled out for anything other than the "E.T./Reese's Award for Achievement in Press Coverage," but there you have it. Other underrepresented films included Juno (Tic-Tacs, though no mention of Sunny Delight), Wall-E (Apple, plus a nod for its pseudo-chain Big 'N' Large), 21 (Planet Hollywood) and even Alvin and the Chipmunks (Fender guitars). As for 2009's early front-runners, your guess is as good as ours: We figure Tropic Thunder's doomed mock campaign for Simple Jack should at land somewhere, and let's face it — there has never been as craven a placement as a movie simply called Milk. Shame on you, Gus Van Sant!

• 2008 brandcameo Product Placement Awards [brandchannel]

You know, I tremulously went and watched The Dark Knight myself, but it's a totally different movie, like, you know that Tom Cruise movie where he played the race-car driver? What was that movie called … anyway. It's like comparing that movie to Talladega Nights — it's two totally different animals. We have a leading man who can sort of relish being a cad, and that's a fun character to write for. We feel like we're in the clear.

Fair enough, Theroux — war is war, but face it: If Jon Favreau would simply bother to rival Tony Scott's Day-Glo Days of Thunder diapers, the best of both visionary worlds could be yours.

• ‘Tropic Thunder’ Writer Justin Theroux on ‘Simple Jack,’ ‘Iron Man 2,’ and Stupid Actors [Vulture]

boomp3.com

Kate Beckinsale displayed a bit of political wishful thinking as she set up decorations for a party on Sunday. Beckinsale believes that a Obama/Clinton ticket would be the perfect ticket to ensure that Democrats once again control the country. Beckinsale said, "They seem like the kind of politicians that you want to go on vacation with and those are the kind of leaders I want to support. If I was happen to vote." Beckinsale then set up up a standee of Iron Man dunking over a standee of Zac Efron.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Warner Bros. has acquired Capeshooters, a comic book adaptation that will be produced by Bryan Singer's WB-based Bad Hat Harry banner.

Singer, who has directed films about virtuous superheroes with the first two X-Men, X2 and Superman Returns, is interested in exploring the darker side of the subject. He will only be producer on the project.

In Capeshooters, two slackers become paparazzi who specialize in shooting covert videos of superheroes find themselves on the run after they stumble onto evidence that a revered superhero is actually a villain.

The competition for titles is such that Capeshooters isn't even a written comic book yet; ex-Marvel artist Rob Liefield is still developing the property for his own Image Comics, leaving Singer to twist in Valkyrie's wind a little longer while his return to form takes shape. No rush, Liefield — just as long as it can be made for $200 million and pushed back six months to a year, Singer can hit it out of the park.

• Warner Bros. acquires 'Capeshooters' [Variety]
• Comics-Based Movies Keep on Comin' [Wired]

Not long after returning director Jon Favreau went mildly public with script concerns in advance of Marvel's two-year turnaround, Theroux joins Favreau and Robert Downey Jr. in the creative cluster responsible for The Biggest, Hugest, Megapressure Sequel of 2010. This after exactly one previous writing job co-scripting (with Ben Stiller and Etan Cohen) next month's hit-to-be Tropic Thunder for Marvel's partners at Paramount, and one underseen directing job on the Weinstein-smothered, indie rom-com Dedication. It's an intriguing gamble by Marvel, who reaped Actor-Power benefits from Iron Man that notably went missing-in-action in Ed Norton's hands-on Incredible Hulk.

Saying the studio will take the best two out of three is obvious oversimplifying, but this kind of inexpensive one-brain cohesion is a studio M.O. we can get behind. And Theroux — we get it! You're talented! Try modesty; mix in a pseudonym or something already. For our sakes! Jesus.

• Theroux to write 'Iron Man' sequel [Variety]

Attending a charity dinner hosted by huggy bear and lovable eccentric extraordinaire Barry Sonnenfeld, Paltrow ditched her splashy call girl aesthetic in favor of a simple baggy black dress and according to that incredibly silly quote-heavy Brit tab we rarely trust but always adore, The Mirror, "despite the mouth-watering dinner most of the guys spent the night feasting their eyes on her." Okay, it's more than plausible that the new and improved Gwyneth caught a few glances from male attendees, but nobody except the annoyingly and totally unrealistically articulate self-obsessives of Dawson's Creek speaks like this. That aside, we're tempted to officially join Team Gwyneth in lieu of her return to makeup-free living, especially after noticing her favorite accessory, a glass of red, in her hand amid a display of water bottles.

[Photo credits: Splash via Celebitchy, FilmMagic]

• EXCLUSIVE: PICTURES OF GWYNETH WITHOUT ANY MAKE-UP [Daily Mirror]

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A Foot Locker referee assisted Robert Downey Jr. in finding a pair of running shoes on Thursday. While the Iron Man star was browsing a section of more affordable pairs of shoes, the referee insisted that Downey check out another section of running shoes. The ref added, "Come on, you're Iron Man. Live a little. Let's take a look at the executive line. It's like you're running on fluffy bags of cotton candy when you go with the executive line."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Admittedly, the tousled blondie Moses would probably look very hot to trot in a pair of Mom's tarantula heels, but being the devoted maternal icon Gwyneth is, we hope she puts a stop to this cross-dressing business at footwear considering the kid can barely walk yet. And Paltrow makes sure to backpedal on the overshare with People by adding that "[Apple] doesn't put makeup on him!" Phew! As long as gollops of Merlot-shaded lipstick and inch-long eyelash extensions aren't included in Apple's bag of cross-dressing tricks, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Moses won't follow in the footsteps of Brad Pitt penis-envying Chris Martin, who wound up so bicurious he became convinced Gwyneth's "boobs are fantastic" just to straighten out.

[Photo credits: X17, FilmMagic]

• GWYNETH PALTROW: APPLE MAKES MOSES CROSS-DRESS! [People]

But it all appears to be moot now as not-so-shocking reports trickle in saying Favreau is on board. For good measure, and because God knows it's a long way to that April 2010 opening, the Favreau backlash is already underway at Deadline Hollywood Daily:

Marvel Studios boss David Maisel was quick to put out a "definitely" richer offer to Favreau, but not quick enough for Jon — who used the Internet and other media to rile up the movie's many fans by spreading nonsense that Marvel was dragging its feet and then lowballing him. Granted Maisel is no day at the beach himself, but, seriously, could Favreau have been more of an asshole?

Only two more years of this, Jon — no pressure. Welcome to the big time!

• So What Was All The Fuss About? [DHD]

But still, Get Smart versus Love Guru is a hell of a quandary. So just for the hell of it, let's hear what the put-upon, overproducing likes of Alan Horn and even Dick Cook are complaining about today:

Adding to their costs, movie companies spend huge sums to globally promote and release their films — as much as $150 million for some big event pictures.

"In order to break through the clutter, we all feel the pressure to spend more in marketing," said Warner Bros. President Alan Horn. ...

This summer, Disney's much-anticipated sequel The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, got upstaged by two behemoths opening in proximity, Iron Man and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

"There were these giant vacuum cleaners on either side of us, and it took significant amounts of business away for our movie," said Walt Disney Studios Chairman Dick Cook.

In fact, pretty much everyone's a winner in the Times's parallel universe — even the beleaguered Weinstein Company and MGM are piling on! Meanwhile, Picturehouse is winding down its staff buyouts as we speak, and ThinkFILM is still battling rumors of its own demise. "Who?" you ask. Don't worry — the LAT will cover them after they and their, ahem, vacuums are safely liquidated.

[Photo Credit: Paul Duginski, Los Angeles Times]

• Movie release dates become tough for studios to script [LAT]

It's been five weeks since the one and only phone call my reps have gotten from Marvel. I know their hands are full with The Hulk and I'm sure they will get into it shortly, as they tell me they intend to. I ran into the Marvel guys at The Hulk premiere and everyone sounded eager to get to work on IM2.

I am concerned, however, about the announced release date of April 2010. Neither Robert nor I were consulted about this and we are both concerned about how realistic the date is in light of the fact that we have no script, story or even writers hired yet. This genre of movie is best when it is done thoughtfully and with plenty of preparation. It might be better to follow the BB/DK, X/X2 three year release pattern than to scramble for a date. It is difficult because there are no Marvel 09 releases and they need product, but I also think we owe it to the fans to have a great version of IM2 and, at this point, we would have less time to make it than the first one.

Meanwhile, less-official IM2/Favreau speculation surfaced yesterday on IESB, where one fanboy claiming to be in-the-know suggested that not only is Favreau not a sure thing for Iron Man 2, but Marvel Studios chief David Maisel is haggling with the director over price — and we don't mean the Downey Jr.-facial-hair-cultivation-budget item, either:

At first I thought my source was full of shit and I dismissed it as a rumor. This last Friday I was contacted by another source at Marvel and this one, let's just say, is much higher up on the food chain, and told me that [Maisel] who has been in charge of negotiating new terms with Favreau is being cheap and not willing to pay a fair directors' fee. ...

Jon was expecting a moderate bump in his fee for the sequel but apparently Marvel has other plans. Our source continues that Maisel believes Iron Man 2 will be a success regardless of Favreau's involvement and feels the studio does not need to pay Jon a higher fee for his services.

With things looking bleak, we turned to the Magic 8-Ball of Hollywood Gossip, Nikki Finke: "Will Jon Favreau get a fair price for directing Iron Man 2, Nikki?" we asked her blog. After an hour or so of careful deliberation came the reply: "It'll be Jon's choice, believe me." Whew! A little vague, sure, but at least we know Favreau won't have to start over at the bottom of the ladder with Ant-Man or something.

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

• Will Jon Favreau Direct Iron Man 2? [IESB]
• Iron Man Movie Group [MySpace via HuffPo]

Seriously, spoiler phobes beware: Don't read any further if you crave the integrity of this latest thrilling installment in the EW canon!

· "Exterior shot" is among the scariest phrases currently making the rounds among hotly anticipated scripts.

· Harrison Ford's call-sheet code name on Indy 4 was "#"; Cate Blanchett's was "Mean Girl". Producer Kathleen Kennedy is fed up, but accepts that it's part of the territory. Not even Iron Man was safe from "pesky snappers"!

· "Can't anything be done by way of defense?" Daly asks. Unless you're shooting on private property, no. Kennedy is still frustrated.

· Daly again: "What happens if the script calls for a scene in an urban spot, like downtown L.A. or the steps of the New York Public Library? You might as well paint targets on the actors' backs, because that's when the general public shows up along with the professionals." (God, when will the hoi polloi just get over it? — Ed.)

· Gossip Girl's producer says even a closed set isn't really a closed set these days.

· Steven Spielberg foiled paparazzi in New Mexico by posting pictures to Indy's official Web site before anyone else could get a shot of Harrison Ford in costume.

· This is HUGE: Comic book movies are the hardest to defend, sometimes yielding bad buzz that's impossible to deflect: "'It directly affects PR, and drives when you release images to the public,' says Marvel's [Kevin] Feige. 'We want to be the first ones to unveil it. Not some scooper with a camera phone.' "

· After weeks of enduring cameras everywhere they turned in New York, Sarah Jessica Parker finally gave up for one scene in Sex and the City: "'It just wasn't worth the risk,' she says. 'We put it inside. We were a little bit worried about it feeling too small. But I think it ended up working really nicely. I hope so.'" [Cha-ching! — Ed.]

· Finally, the shocking twist ending: Daly didn't write alone! "Additional reporting by Missy Schwartz, Tim Stack, and Adam B. Vary." Fuck, what a letdown. The critics will kill it.

• Spoiler Nation [EW]

1. Sex and the City - $55.7 million
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Take a moment to gaze up at that big, shimmering, fuscia number for a moment, and see if your heart doesn't race just a little bit. From coast to coast—from giddy Wall St. traders having the Sex quartet tattooed onto their backs, to Chicago area tollbooth workers handing out free Cosmos and relationship advice, to Las Vegas tourists running for their lives as four towering Sexbots, manned by what remains of New Line's Special Events and Promotions department, trampled cars and small businesses beneath their eight-foot-high Jimmy Choos—there really was no escaping Sex and the City this weekend.

And people managed to find the time to see the movie, too—$26.9 million's worth on Friday alone, and more than enough to make Sex the Highest Opening Ever for an R-Rated Comedy™. Its 85% female audience instantly metamorphosed into a fearsome nation of gender-inversed fanboys, queuing up for repeat screenings in highly specific costume ("I'm recently-dumped-by-Post-It Carrie!"), and arguing that the Samantha anal-sex subplot was handled to far greater effect in Season 4's "tuchus-lingus" episode. The game, as they say, has changed.

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - $46 million
While alien-shaped candy bowls with mystical, Russian-detonating properties have given way to massive Manhattan apartments with walk-in closets as moviegoers' supernatural MacGuffin of choice, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas's prairie-dog-riffic ruination of a beloved franchise only managed to drop "a respectable 54%" in its second, regrettable weekend at the box office.

3. The Strangers - $20.707 million
A lesser triumph was Rogue Pictures' execrably reviewed The Strangers, which both succeeded in greatly exceeding box office expectations, while ushering in the next chapter of Liv Tyler's once-promising, now-slumming- with-Scott Speedman-in-B-horror-movies career.

4. Iron Man - $14 million
As Ben Stiller's nephew Carl pointed out on last night's MTV Movie Awards, for the traditional fanboy wanting top-tier entertainment, Iron Man is still the only game in town—at least until Dark Knight comes out, and which point Iron should be pooping nuts and bolts.. In the meantime, enjoy this encore of the Soldered One kicking Kung Fu Panda, who's already getting on our nerves, in the panda-nuts.

5. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - $13.016 million
An additional 43% decline to a puny third week take elicited yet another statement from Disney head Robert Iger, who blamed, "the days of Saturday and Sunday, traditionally the most overcrowded leisure time of the week—full of swimming pool, barbecuing, and sports-watching alternative options" for cutting into the sequel's receipts.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE May 30-June 1, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]

1. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull — $151.1 million
Defamer's groundbreaking Indiana Jones PlunderWatch Projections Tracker™ was just about pinpoint precise once we factor in the the +/- $9.5 trillion margin of error, calculating the triumph of America's archaeological/Commie-killing sweetheart in real time over its five-day opening frame. Its four-day total was no less impressive, tallying $126 million from Friday to Monday, while the worldwide total of $311 million had George Lucas stroking his massive under-chin on his Marin County deck, conjuring inspiration for his and Steven Spielberg's forthcoming fifth installment, Indiana Jones and the Hard-to-Insure Septuagenarian Star.

2. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian — $28.6 million
Disney insiders cooly told us this morning they're not worried about the 58% drop from Caspian's opening weekend or the fact that the four-week old Iron Man almost surpassed it for second place overall. When asked about the shrieks and cries audible in the background, we were rebuffed: "What? Oh, that? It's nothing. Andrew Adamson stopped by, is all — he's telling us about the next Narnia movie. Anything else?"

3. Iron Man — $25.6 million
The comic hero bumped his cumulative take to $260 million since May 2, which means Marvel Studios' troubled companion film The Incredible Hulk can draw literally nobody to the theater and still be an official success. Congrats to David Maisel and the whole team!

4. What Happens in Vegas — $11.1 million
Fox's "shite date movie" counterprogramming trick worked like a charm once more against the action/fantasy epics encircling it, but look for the "late Sydney Pollack cameo" wave to lift Made of Honor to a resurgent weekend ahead.

5. Speed Racer — $5.2 million
If the box office was The Gong Show, a cackling Chuck Barris would have pointed this sorry act offstage two weeks ago. Alas.

[Photo Credit: Rotten Tomatoes]

2. Iron Man - $31.2 million
In a stunning testament to the power of doing enough drugs to kill a humpback whale, then stopping, then being really picky about material, the man in the iron suit becomes the first to jet-propulse across the $200 million mark in 2008.

3. What Happens in Vegas - $13.85 million
It's happened, right under your very noses: Ashton Kutcher is the Biggest Star in the Universe. Not even just this week. Always. You can react to this news in one of two ways: Accepting his rightful place as your Cougar-Chasing Lord and Reality-TV-Producing Savior, or being fated to tambourine and cowbell duty for an eternity of Fantasia performances. The choice is yours.

4. Speed Racer - $7.645 million
Some people might say Speed Racer's 59% decline is a bad sign, but we prefer to see the good in everything. So let's spin it this way: $7.645 million's worth of independently minded Americans could give a rat's ass what everyone else thinks, and wanted to see how badly this movie sucked for themselves! Either that, or the $200 bucks it cost for a sitter, tickets, snacks, and parking seemed a minor sum in exchange for getting their kids to shut up about seeing Speed Racer.

5. Baby Mama - $4.593 million
This is sort of off topic, but we'd be remiss if we didn't mention it: How fantastic is that landmark California Supreme Court decision legalizing gay pregnancy?! It's about time! Happy ovulating, fellas!

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE May 16-18, 2008 [boxofficemojo]

WHAT'S NEW: The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is guaranteed to knock incumbent champ Iron Man from its box-office perch, with most observers predicting the second installment of the Disney franchise to muscle into first with as much as $79 million. And with merely five days before Indiana Jones 4 wheezes into multiplexes internationally, Disney is no doubt hoping that even that number is somehow on the low end. We don't think so; even without major counterprogramming, $74 million seems a little more reasonable what with holdovers Iron Man, What Happens in Vegas, Made of Honor and even Speed Racer still pulling in viewers who are just fine waiting for the DVD. Also opening: a light week overall, with the America Ferrera vehicle How the Garcia Girls Spent Their Summer and the acclaimed Norwegian drama Reprise playing small-ball in Caspian's shadow.

THE BIG LOSER: Iron Man may drop another 50% from weeks two to three, but with Speed Racer forecast to pull in less than $10 million in its own second week — potentially accumulating less than $30 million domestically in 10 days of release — the indignities just never end for the Wachowskis, Warners and everyone involved.

THE UNDERDOG: Back when Sangre de mi Sangre (Blood of my Blood) was known as Padre Nuestro, its Grand Jury Prize at the 2007 Sundance Film Festival all but assured it the fest's long-suspected "best picture curse." But we knew at the time it was a remarkable debut feature for writer-director Christopher Zalla, whose identity-theft thriller about a pair of Mexican stowaways transplanted to New York was misread as everything from a globalization allegory to an overreaching effort at social realism. In fact, Sangre is all and none of these things, nothing more so than a riveting glimpse at two immigrants' reinventions: Villainous schemer Juan (Armando Hernández) and his "papa," cash-hoarding dishwasher Diego (Jesús Ochoa). The latter's tentative warming to his imposter son — while real son Pedro (Jorge Adrián Espíndola) scours Brooklyn for any clues to both men's whereabouts — is as dynamically acted and observed as any first film you'll see this year. And despite its precarious limited release, you should seek it out, and you should see it. Fuck the Sundance curse.

FOR SHUT-INS: Highlights among new DVD releases include Francis Ford Coppola's mind- (and patience-) bending comeback Youth Without Youth; Denzel Washington's late '07 Oscar bait The Great Debaters; the Diane Keaton/Katie Holmes/Queen Latifah trifecta Mad Money; the Criterion Collection's Louis Malle tandem The Lovers and The Fire Within; and — finally, thank God — Two and a Half Men: The Complete Third Season.

Does anyone want to go out on a limb for or against Prince Caspian's weekend reign? Did we miss anything on a sluggish week for new releases? Can you explain Youth Without Youth in 50 words or less? Don't be shy; the floor is yours.

1. Iron Man - $50.5 million
Iron Man's strong finish was confidently predicted by just about everyone, including your own mother, who called yesterday to thank you for her bouquet, but "would have preferred you send me that Roger Downey Jr. fellow—he can rocket-boost over here anytime! Oh, your father's getting jealous now. Pipe down, Seymour—you know you're the only Iron Man for me. By the way, I predict a healthy 49% drop with the audience skewing slightly more female due to strong word of mouth. Anyway, thanks again for the flowers! And don't forget to call your sister!"

2. Speed Racer - $20.210 million
How to tell the difference between an underperforming™ tentpole and a true bomb? When studio executives can't even drum up a quote brimming with the false, "Hey, let's see how it fares internationally—those foreigners love everything!" optimism we've come to expect from someone with a stinker to spin and a job on the line. That said, let's take Speed's temperature, via these observations from Warner Bros. president of domestic distribution Dan Fellman: "It's just one of those moments in our business where the results don't seem to justify our hopes, and we'll move on." Bomb, Speed Racer, bomb!

3. What Happens in Vegas - $20 million
Certainly the fact that Racer could barely* outpace Vegas—a moderately budgeted Hollywood remake of a Japanese horror film about a man who wins big at Pachinko and is forced to marry Cameron Diaz—only heightened Warner Bros.' shame, leading to a tragic but seemingly inevitable mass seppuku ritual at their Burbank offices this morning, using the ceremonial, third-floor-kitchen bagel knife.

4. Made of Honor - $7.6 million
The 17th straight Patrick Dempsey romantic comedy to connect with his core audience of extremely lonely women, clinical psychotics, and people in dire need of a quiet place to nap and/or duck the law held strong in the fourth position, practically guaranteeing its sequels, 27 Tuxes and A Groom of One's Own.

5. Baby Mama - $5.766 million
Lamaze humor is frequently lost on us.

*And probably won't even.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE May 9-11, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]

Warners' popular company line has invoked Speed Racer's comparatively low $100 million budget as flop insurance, but that rationale factored in a decent run internationally as well. Alas, the rest of the world turned its back, too, chipping in less than $13 million of the global $33 million take. And it gets worse: The families at whom Warners was ostensibly aiming Speed Racer not only didn't come out, but with Disney offering The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian this Friday and Iron Man retaining momentum in its third week, they probably will never come out.

The studio will find black ink eventually on home video, but the collateral damage is ugly. Emile Hirsch? Can't open. Wachowskis? Tighten their leashes (and quit giving them a pass, media). The Dark Knight? More like the Great White Hope for Warner Bros., whose buzz-building efforts on its behalf make Speed Racer look like the Dennis Kucinich campaign. Hell, Picturehouse fared better with the Spanish-language Pan's Labyrinth on a fraction of the screens in 2006; maybe thinking small could do all right by Warners after all.

Speed Racer
· Just a drag 'Racer' [LAT]
· Great fun, if you like watching video games [Globe and Mail (sub. req'd.)]
· 'Speed Racer' stalls at the starting line [Detroit Free Press]
· 'Speed Racer' spins by screen at nauseating, wearing pace [Salt Lake Tribune]
· 'Speed Racer': Take a Detour [WashPo]
· 'Speed Racer' limps around the track [USA Today]
· A nonsensical computer-generated racing thriller freaks out our correspondent with its cartoon plastic tackiness [London Times Online]

What Happens in Vegas
·Insults, but no jackpot in 'Vegas' [EW]
·'What Happens in Vegas' is nothing to write home about [Kalamazoo Gazette]
· Not buying this Vegas line, or even the odd couple of losers [Union Tribune]
·There is no escape in 'Vegas' and not much comedy, either [signonsandiego.com]
·Wedded miss in new Kutcher, Diaz comedy [suntimes.com]
·Shoulda Stayed in Vegas [Winnipeg Sun]
·What happens? You don't want to know [CanWest]
·'What Happens in Vegas' feels like a losing streak [USA Today]

By donning a procession of fleshy, high-heeled escort outfits over the last few weeks, Gwyneth Paltrow managed to land herself a new job! No, it’s not a plum acting role (remember, even Gwyneth herself knows she’s “the worst actress ever”), but at least it’s a paying gig. Seems after all that prancing around in see-through dresses and S&M booties has caught the attention of reputably tame brand Tod’s, they of the classic driving shoes and boring leather bags. And just yesterday she began her first day on the new job, shown here filming a commercial in Rome, triumphantly displaying a new pair of towering heels. A closer look at the pair of stilettos that we must admit we find ourselves craving, plus how Paltrow’s Lady Of The Night wardrobe selections have affected sales at British boutiques, after the jump.

We've got to give credit where it's due: in a matter of weeks, Paltrow has managed to make a lot of people (temporarily?) forget about her days as boring, macrobiotics-obsessed bad baby-namer, confirming our suspicions that she's one sly dame. And even though Sienna Miller's career didn't exactly skyrocket following her fierce spreads in last year's Tod's campaign, from the looks of Gwyneth's "advert" above, the brand is banking on more than simple ads in glossy bibles. The other plus to Gwyneth's decision to sell out? According to the Daily Mail, UK department store Selfridge's has witnessed a 35% increase in high-heel totterers, while highbrow Harvey Nichols has seen sales of four-inch plus heels grow by 7%. And here comes the author's confession: just last week, after writing post after post about Paltrow's new fierceness, we fell victim to a pair of four-inchers ourselves. Bravo, Gwyneth. Not only have you improved Britain's economy, you've emptied our bank account. That's power.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• GWYNETH PALTROW TEST-DRIVES ANOTHER PAIR OF SUPER HIGH HEELS...ACROSS A COBBLESTONE STREET [Daily Mail]

WHAT'S NEW: Whereas last week the only question we faced was the degree of the Iron Man beating awaiting Patrick Dempsey and Made of Honor, today we're starting a pool to see how close (or how far) Marvel's $100 million hero will keep Speed Racer before pulling away in the Sunday home stretch. Most observers expect Iron Man's take to drop as much as 50% this weekend, but like last Friday, we think lingering word-of-mouth and irresistible talent will keep the film well in excess of expectations — as in $65 million to Speed Racer's $40 million. We'll get to the Ashton Kutcher/Cameron Diaz vehicle What Happens in Vegas in a second, but more painlessly for now, here are some of the other new titles bottlenecking theaters: Music video maven Tarsem's sumptuous (and apparently boring) labor of love The Fall; the John Leguizamo / teenagers-fucking satire The Babysitters; the espionage spoof OSS 117: Nest of Spies; and the canny Paskowitz family documentary Surfwise.

THE BIG LOSER: We've heard it said that What Happens in Vegas is Fox's idea of counterprogramming to Speed Racer, but what do you really call it when the weekend's biggest new release itself amounts to second fiddle overall? History will decide, but we think $20 million estimates are far too generous for the Kutcher/Diaz miscarriage. Try closer to $16 million and, as the gift that keeps on giving, a pan for the ages from Manohla Dargis: "[B]ecause its director, Tom Vaughan, brings nothing of interest to the movie, including filmmaking, there isn't anything to say other than to note its insulting ugliness and ineptitude. ... It's disheartening that Ms. Diaz doesn't seem to realize that there's no upside to a role that strips away her dignity even as it peels off her clothes, especially when she's playing the shrew." Now that's love we can all take to the bank.

THE UNDERDOG: A terrific Famke Janssen skips the glam in Turn the River, the writing-directing debut of actor Chris Eigeman (Metropolitan, Kicking And Screaming). As a single-mother gambler and pool shark planning to steal her young son away to Canada — but only after hustling her way to $50,000 — Janssen digs into River with both leading-lady aplomb and a wounded integrity most of her male contemporaries usually try to approximate through overwrought brooding. Co-star Rip Torn is good for a few ironic flourishes that redeem the late melodrama, all of which are outdone by Janssen's real pool-shooting exploits. We wouldn't bet against her — at least not this weekend.

FOR SHUT-INS: You can have your I'm Not There DVD's, your P.S. I Love Yous, your vagina dentata comedy Teeth, your fourth season of The 4400 and all that other bullshit. But there is really only one new title worth welcoming into the guilty sanctuary of your own home: The Hottie and the Nottie. Miraculously neither watchable nor as bad as it's made out to be, judge for yourself the blight of Paris Hilton vanity on this week's release calendar.

So are you down for or down on Speed Racer? Will What Happens In Vegas stay, ahem, in Vegas? Will newfound billiards talent Famke Janssen kick your ass for an easy 50 grand? Go all in and let us know where your money's riding this weekend.

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Leaving Mr. Chow, Iron Man star Robert Downey Jr. pestered the film's director, Jon Favreau, about being on board for the 2010 sequel. Downey pleaded to the director that they're an unstoppable force when they work together, sorta like Michael Jordan and everybody else on the Chicago Bulls in the '90s. Favreau paused for a moment and asked who, in the comparison, was Michael Jordan. Downey said with a smile, "Well, you're Michael and I'm Scottie Pippen and everybody else is everybody else." Favreau nodded and just reminded Downey to keep his nose clean and that they'll make the best sequel since Aliens. As Favreau speed away, Downey jumped in the air and shouted, "I get to be a golden god again!"

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

And there's more: "Ant-Man also is in development," notes Variety, "with Edgar Wright attached to write and direct, but that project has yet to be dated." And some fucking crackhead fanboy just started a rumor that Matthew McConaughey leads the candidates to portray Captain America. And then, after the jump, there's the Iron Man Oscar hype. Jesus Christ — stop the Marvel gossip mill already, we want off.

We somehow (perhaps willfully?) overlooked Ken Tucker's blog post yesterday at Entertainment Weekly, where the critic is assembling his own rusty scrap bandwagon on behalf of Robert Downey Jr.'s chances come awards season:

Hey, remember the whining about the last Oscar telecast, with its low-wattage star vehicles and lower ratings, and all the hand-wringing the media, including EW, did over how to improve the Oscars? Here's a thought. Hey, Hollywood and the Motion Picture Academy: Take a closer squint at the big summer movies. Take them, ahem, seriously. As far as I'm concerned, Downey's performance should go on any short list that anyone draws up of potential Oscar nominees.

We don't object to his consideration; we do object, however, to the conjuring of Oscar "short lists" in the first week of May. Unacceptable, Tucker! You can't suck if you shut your mouth; give it a try.

Finally, and on a little more upbeat note, another tip of our cap to the Golden Schlub: Jon Favreau, who's also in EW today noting that he wants to do the sequel, confirming Robert Downey Jr. is under contract for it and contextualizing the star's massive comeback:

[W]hen you go into the Cinerama Dome ... I went up there and intro'd the movie, and as a surprise brought Robert Downey Jr. up, and then everybody jumped to their feet. It just hit him. ... It's exciting for everybody, because he's a guy that I think a lot of people wrote off. It's inspiring when somebody who sort of has his work cut out for him actually accomplishes that and comes back bigger and better than he was before. I mean, that's the American dream — and it oddly somehow relates to Tony Stark. And when art imitates life, you're onto something. I learned that off Swingers.

Congrats again to all involved, and we'll see you in June after The Incredible Hulk's disappointing $55 million opening has Marvel execs bitterly curtailing Ant-Man until at least 2015.

• Marvel unveils super schedule [Variety]

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The rather embarrassed son of Robert Downey Jr accompanied his father to dinner at Nobu in Malibu over the weekend. The Iron Man star felt like celebrating for a few reasons — the film's terrific opening and the Lakers victory. However, Downey's son seemed distracted. According to sources at the pricey eatery, when questioned about his attitude, the son said while he's appreciative that they can afford nice things and go to nice restaurants, but why does his dad have to make him wear a Cosby sweater in public? Downey paused for a moment and told his son that he doesn't have to wear anything that he doesn't want; it's just that the family stylist thought it'd look great.

[Photo Credit: X17]

1. The Schlub Factor. Like Sam Raimi, who guided Marvel's previous blockbuster franchise Spider-Man to its own record openings in 2001, 2004 and 2007, director Jon Favreau is kind of a schlub — a normal dude who came up through the ranks and pretty much is his audience. He's not Ang Lee, whose misunderstood Hulk is disavowed to the point that its own studio is remaking it this summer (with another non-schlub, French action auteur Louis Leterrier), or even Bryan Singer, whose X-Men franchise coasted on star power before burning itself out at the hands of patronizer extraordinaire Brett Ratner. Favreau imposes a fan's vision and an indie mandate (i.e. character development, budget-mindedness) that works primarily because it threatens no one — neither the studio that paid for it nor the viewers spreading word-of-mouth months in advance and lining up around the block on opening weekend.

2. The Downey Factor. Repeat everything above, but substitute Tobey Maguire and Eric Bana (the miscast Hulk whose 2008 replacement, the relatively inaccessible Edward Norton, will likely suffer a similar fate). Robert Downey Jr. is a smart, funny adult actor who appeals to men and women alike (especially women), while also an innocuous enough leading man who won't overshadow the brand among fanboys. He's also his generation's most powerful Hollywood comeback story; this guy was virtually uninsurable after his umpteenth drug bust six years ago cost him his role on Ally McBeal. His casting was about as brilliant as it gets.

3. The McDreamy Factor. Or: There was nothing else to see over the weekend. Sony says it's happy having done $15 million with Made of Honor, but it thought its Patrick Dempsey rom-com would pull in at least $6 or $7 million of what went to Iron Man — on the basis of counterprogramming alone. What it didn't count on was...

4. The Female Factor. Iron Man was more of a chick flick than most "experts" anticipated, which Variety noting today that women made up 38% of last weekend's audience. Again, Marvel can thank Downey, but it shouldn't forget leading lady Gwyneth Paltrow. Her presence likely accounts for at least $12 to $15 million of that opening windfall.

5. The Critic Factor. The film was arguably critic-proof, but no one can deny the taste- (and profit-) making influence of reviewers who pushed Iron Man to a 94% positive rating at Rotten Tomatoes. That is the stuff of franchise phenomena — Iron Man 2, here we come.

2. Made of Honor - $15.5 million
Sony's Department of Counterscheduling Activities, meanwhile, are reportedly "feeling good, especially considering how big 'Iron Man' turned out to be," about the $15 million performance of Made of Honor. "But watch out for summer '09, when McDreamy plays Matrimony Man, flying around in a spandex tuxedo and zapping the underdog heroine with his twinkle-ray vision! Then we'll be looking at 9-figure openings, too."

3. Baby Mama - $10.332 million
Here's proof positive that so-called "chick flicks" don't need to be set around weddings, star McDreamies, or be weighed down by jaw-droppingly stupid pun-titles to succeed. As Tina Fey's comedy—holding fairly steady with a 41% drop—ably proves, women are just as eager to pay to see unlikely buddy comedies about bright, barren women and the slightly brain-damaged embryo-receptacles they hire to do their reproductive bidding.

4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - $6.015 million
Suffering from the common depression that follows a taste of the Hollywood limelight, Jason Segel's penis has retired to the tranquility of its Montana ranch, where it plans to "just ride some horses and plot out the next steps of my career."

5. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay - $6.015 million
True, its a 60% decline, but Harold and Kumar still managed to cling to the top five, putting, for the first time that we can think of, two movies about U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East at the top of the box office charts. The curse has been lifted! Re-release Rendition, Lions for Lambs, and Redacted!

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE May 2-4, 2008 [BoxOfficeMojo]

WHAT'S NEW: Having achieved deafening critical and civilian buzz over the last week, the only remaining question about Iron Man is not if it will kill this weekend, but how it will kill. A close read of the historical record suggests the latest Marvel hero is in for at least an $80 million weekend (including last night's late screenings), but we think that's conservative — accounting for neither repeat viewings nor the Robert Downey Jr. Factor making this as much of an adult treat as a teen/fanboy orgy. We'd be surprised if it didn't break $60 million by Sunday and maybe even $90 million when the dust clears Monday.

Also opening (for what it's worth): Made of Yawner — ahem, Honor, starring Patrick... whoever. Indies of note include the Toronto '07 opener Fugitive Pieces, the coming- of- age- via- sweding- Stallone film Son of Rambow, and the Argentinian teen hermaphrodite drama XXY.

THE BIG LOSER: As long as he's wishing critics dead, we might as well get our money's worth: David Mamet's Jiu-jitsu saga Redbelt isn't so bad, but we expect Iron Man to vanquish its testosterrific charms in the weekend's qualifying rounds before moving on to the more saccharine, sinewy Dr. McDreamy and Co. Come to think of it, the Sony conglomerate as a whole will be missing Spider-Man right... about... now.

THE UNDERDOG: We'll be hearing a bit more from the filmmaker later today, but writer-director Harmony Korine's comeback Mister Lonely is a maverick wack-job of the highest order: A Michael Jackson impersonator (Diego Luna) runs off with Marilyn Monroe (Samantha Morton) to a Scottish colony of other celebrity impersonators, while a drunken priest (Werner Herzog) exhorts a troupe of flying nuns a hemisphere away. Infinitely warmer than Korine's previous directing efforts Gummo and Julien Donkey-Boy (what isn't?), it's no less hypnotic, funny and confounding.

FOR SHUT-INS: New DVD's this week include The Golden Compass, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, 27 Dresses, the reissued Sarah Jessica Parker/Helen Hunt masterpiece of 1985, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, and the nifty microbudget drama from director Todd Rohal, The Guatemalan Handshake.

Are we overestimating Iron Man? Underestimating it? Will anyone but our mothers consider seeing Made of Honor in the next three days, if ever? Stake your claim to bragging rights by placing your bets below.

We happen to think Paltrow still looks great - the hair, the jewels and the makeup are all working for her. She looks better now than she did during that pixie cut/super-skinny phase back in the 90s when everyone thought she was so It, whatever that means. But a jumpsuit? Sure, she's promoting a superhero movie so costumes are relevant, but from the neck down, she's somehow giving us a Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers vibe during that scene where Mallory seduces a gas attendant before killing him.

And speaking of Brad Pitt ex-girlfriends, Gwyneth, of course, happens to be one of them. Which is why we find this photo of Paltrow and Angelina Jolie's estranged father Jon Voight holding hands and laughing so oddly captivating. What could Voight possibly be telling her? His plot to send Gwyneth on a peace mission and send Jolie a message from her dear old Dad? That he always thought G&B were meant to be and has specific instructions on how to get him back (a plan that could enable him to get his estranged daughter back)? We'll never know. Most likely, he's just dusting off some ancient flirting tactics and using them on poor Paltrow.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• BRINGING SEXY BACK: NOW GWYNETH GRACES PREMIERE IN A PLUNGING AND BACKLESS JUMPSUIT [Daily Mail]

Among the many questions in the poll, the most revealing one asked the 420,000 respondents which May release they were "most excited" about. And surprisingly, the gals of SATC: The Movie won the majority with 32%. Sadly for Iron Man, especially considering today is the day when Robert Downey Jr. will begin charming audiences with his Third World-loving superhero, Indy 4 came in second with 31%. Sadder still, Iron Man only won over 7% of pollsters in this category. But Speed Racer actually fared worst in the poll, with only 2% saying they were most excited for the Wachowski brothers' car racing flick.

The Moviefone poll's other most revealing question asked which male and female stars they "most wanted to see" throughout the entire summer blockbuster season. Mirroring the first question's results, Sarah Jessica Parker and Harrison Ford took top honors, and once again Iron Man fell short. Following Ford was the late Heath Ledger, whose role in The Dark Knight "would likely draw curiosity seekers" to the chillingly fantastic-looking flick, according to Moviefone's Editor in Chief, Scott Robson. (Insert any variation of "Duh" here, since we'd rather not.) But there is one (yes, one!) silver lining for RDJr. this thrilling morning: 22% of pollsters said he is the "superhero they're most psyched to see." So...there's that!

• MOVIEGOERS HAVE 'SEX' ON THE BRAIN: POLL [Moviefone]

BONUS: Speaking of flashing...

• The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]

Earlier this year, Gwynnie made a few public appearances in her standard, covered up style, wearing a sweet little cupcake dress adorned with a girlie bow in February, then sporting a very maternal and business-y look in March. But early this month, we saw an early sign that Paltrow was ready to attempt a drastic change, donning a shockingly pink belted dress with that go-to sweetheart neckline that oh-so-subtly says, "Hey, look! I sort of have boobs!"

But this last week, all we've seen her wearing are transparent bejeweled mini-dresses, skintight little black dresses, and lacy burlesque-like numbers which may or may not reveal more than we'd like to see should she have bended over just a bit to air-kiss a friend from atop her skyscraper heels.

Though Gwyneth's 'tude and snobbery has annoyed us in the past, we must admit: we're loving the new Gwyneth. And even if this is what it takes to finally nail some worthy roles again, she can shimmy around in this new look all she wants.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• GWYNETH PALTROW WEARS HER 7TH PAIR OF INCREDIBLY HIGH HEELS IN FOUR DAYS (AND AN EVEN SHORTER SKIRT) [Daily Mail]