Defamer: idolator

Shakira Takes Celebrity Sex Tape Scandals To Whole New Level: The Threesome

Molly Friedman — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:30:00 PDT

Another week, another sex tape rumor. But unlike the somewhat harmless photos of good girl Kristin Davis that caught our attention a few weeks back, the news that Shakira and boyfriend Antonio de la Rua may have recorded each other Pam-and-Tommy style aboard a yacht sounds a bit racier. As one Spanish radio host put it, "if some of this tape's content would be made public, it could seriously threaten the singer and couple's private life." And aside from the prospect of seeing Shakira's famous curves dancing in dirtier ways we've ever seen, the story itself involves a third (and fourth!) party.

As AOL Music reports, Shakira and de la Rua, who've since broken up, apparently recorded the on-yacht sex session with a third party, Spanish pop star Alejandro Sanz. Were that true, that would make this as-yet-unreleased tape way pornier than your standard celebrity sex tapes. But the story only gets more sordid once we learn the route this tape has taken into the public spotlight. Apparently, two of Sanz' ex-employees are under prosecution for stealing the yacht which may or may not be stamped with Shakira's threesome, um, evidence. Admittedly, we're no Sam Donaldson (or even Chris Hansen), but we're pretty sure this joyously means that all contents found on the yacht will eventually be presented to the court. And considering the way Hollywood sex scandals tend to dissolve, those contents will eventually be posted on this site. As soon as possible. We promise.

ALEJANDRO SANZ, SHAKIRA AND BOYFRIEND IN SEX TAPE SCANDAL [AOL Music]

Poor Drunk Bastard Not Likely to Fuck With Willie Nelson's Little Girl Again

STV — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 12:04:00 PDT

Having many years ago traded our shitkicking, bar-brawling days for a pastier, stir-crazy life of bloggy servitude, our bittersweet tears of joy welcome this violent throwback to the good times. To wit: Apparently upset with a scene-stealing drunkard crashing her performance at Austin's Saxon Pub, country-fu pioneer (and Willie Nelson offspring) Paula Nelson landed a kick that commenced a fantastic Lone Star ass-whuppin'.

While the coastal aesthete in us is particularly fond of the night-vision effect and slow-motion instant replay, the old-school redneck we've suppressed over the years can relate to Nelson-San's pure, unchecked animus. This would never fly at the Troubador.

Paula Nelson Kicking Ass at the Saxon Pub [YouTube]

Madonna's Most Explicit Album Cover Yet Comes On The Eve Of Her 50th Birthday

Molly Friedman — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:20:05 PDT

If we saw our mother spreading her legs on billboards and in the window displays of old-fashioned CD stores, we'd probably either disown her, change our names or move to Mars. Unless, of course, she was Madonna. Then we might just have to put the poster up in our rooms. Madge is turning 50 this year, and she's not letting that stop her from putting out her single most explicit album cover to date. Even Erotica's open lips and Confessions On A Dance Floor's spread eagle from behind don't compare with the artwork for Hard Candy, which features the B12 shot lover posing as an S&M-inspired boxer (of sorts) waiting to "kick your ass" (just as Madonna promised the album would do). But just because Madonna's putting it all out there now doesn't mean her more suggestive covers weren't ten times sexier.

Take, for example, her three most provocative covers up to this point, 1983's Like A Virgin, 1992's Erotica, and 2005's Confessions:

We happen to think the lacy dress on Virgin is just begging to be lifted up, even if we can't even see the hem. And the close-up shot of Madonna's cherry-lined lips and false eyelashes on Erotica is somehow sexier when drawn in such exaggerated effect, like a page from Playboy coming to life. And then there's her last effort, the leotarded Confessions, which portrays her a disco-happy blonde redhead so enraptured with the music that she doesn't even have time to turn towards the camera. Judging from these three album covers alone, we think Madge is far sexier when she keeps it in her pants.

[Photo Credits: People, Absolute Madonna]

MADONNA'S HARD CANDY ALBUM COVER REVEALED! [People]

David Archuleta's Lyric-Challenged Tumble From 'Idol' Frontrunner Grace

Seth — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 09:36:52 PDT

To say that David Archuleta arrived at the Idol Thunderdome last night carrying with him the judges' raised expectations is akin to saying the Magi had high hopes for that Nazareth kid over at the Ye Bethlehem Inn. He was, as Simon Cowell pronounced in the second week of competition, "the one to beat"—as good a coronation of Saviordom as any. His myth quickly grew: Animated woodland critters would suddenly appear every time he opened his mouth to sing...His voice could heal the lame, bringing to his feet scores of girls afflicted with a rare condition that rendered them incapable of lowering their arms...His farts smelled like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. But anyone watching could immediately tell that something was not right:

For starters, the bashful, 17-year-old demi-Honduran seemed more nervous than usual in his introductory video package—not the energized nerves of a confident performer that might lead him to erupt into spontaneous choruses of "Flashdance... What a Feeling," but rather the white-knuckle distress of someone walking into a final matriculation unprepared. His admission that he is almost completely illiterate to the Lennon/McCartney songbook did not reassure us, either, particularly from a performer whose angelic interpretation of "Imagine" was what was credited with securing his coveted spot on the Big Stage in the first place.

And there he stood—a tiny, twittering uvula hanging at the back of a giant, flashing orifice. Put aside for a moment the fact that the song he chose, "We Can Work It Out," was in every way beyond his technical means. Ignore too the disconcerting lip-moistening between every verse, and the auto-show-model arm gestures. The Chosen One had committed the cardinal Idol no-no, failing to heed the one admonishment drilled into our heads repeatedly by Idol's Wayne Brady-hosted, ghetto follow-up: He forgot the lyrics, and in doing so, went in the span of one verse from Messiah to Sanjaya.

americanidol.com

Rejoice! Zonked Paula Is Back!

Seth — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 13:09:42 PST

It's now official: We are in the midst of another Golden Era of Idol. You can toss it all at us—the gay stripper-boogers, the teen Mormon prodigies, the butch nurse-rockers (with male fiancés—DVR replay does not lie!), the off-duty drag queens with moms that look like Divine—but without a completely incoherent, equilibrium-challenged Paula Abdul, it really amounts to a whole lot of nothing.

Luckily, Paula Classic™ was back to form last night, as slurrily effusive as ever: Enjoy every facet of her soft-focus existence in this montage by Defamer videocronologist Molly McAleer. We really have no idea what combination of ingestants is causing Abdul to hallucinate so strongly, she again envisioned the moth and cantaloupe oracle that visited her in Season 5. And frankly, we don't care. Hey Paula: Welcome back, old friend. Paula? No seriously, Paula? Does anyone have a hand mirror?!

americanidol.com

'Hell To The No!' Says 'Idol' Oustee Asked To Reprise Her Failure Anthem

Seth — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:27:23 PST

On last night's American Idol results show, two of this year's nine virtually identical blondes—cloned at Fremantle Laboratories off a Season One contestant who's been kept in a veal stall and fed on a diet of protein-boosted Jamba Juice and easy-listening favorites—were at risk of elimination. Only one was cut however, and that was (checking the website again just to be certain) Alaina Whitaker.

Interestingly, Whitaker nearly broke away from Idol tradition of sucking it up for one last performance (we're still waiting for the contestant who's forced to sing "I'm Walking on Sunshine" through an open spigot of tears), telling Ryan Seacrest that there was no way in hell she'd be able to perform for 32 million of her closest friends so soon after seeing her career hopes snuffed. With the support of her Idol friends, however, she eventually overcame, and America will not soon forget her stirring rendition of (checking website again) "Hopelessly Devoted to You."

American Idol Season 7 Contestants

From David To Kelly: An 'Idol' Frontrunner's Brush With Destiny

Seth — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 16:45:08 PST

If you aren't yet familiar with magical Mormon munchkin David Archuleta, chances are you will be soon. Already dubbed the Chosen One by the LAT, the 17-year-old singing wunderkind seems as though he were literally fashioned out of plasticine by disconcertingly bedentured Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe, ready out-of-the-box for mass tween consumption. And while his aw-shucks humility has served him well thus far in the competition (his reaction to the judge's gushing and Ryan Seacrest's mild flirtation after his first performance was something akin to tickling a five-year-old mercilessly), Archuleta, in keeping with the theme of this year's vet-heavy Idol, is no stranger to high-stakes performing.

Besides winning Star Search 2.0's junior singing competition, Guanabee has unearthed this home video of Archuleta freezing the cast of the first season of Idol in their tracks with a showstopping rendition of Dreamgirls diva anthem "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going." That's right: a pre-fame Kelly Clarkson, staring 7 years into the future, into the eyes of the pipsqueak prodigy frontrunner of the current Idol season. That's how the Chosen One rolls.

David Archuleta Sings Song From "Dream Girls," Is Our Adorable Little Dream Boy [Guanabee]

'American Idol' Controversies Cresting As Season 7 Begins

Mark Graham — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:50:03 PST

While American Idol is still a ratings powerhouse and one of the strongest franchises on television, there is no denying that the brand has taken more than its fair share of lumps since Jordin Sparks was crowned the winner of the show's sixth season. In addition to stillborn debuts from last season's two finalists (Blake Lewis and the aforementioned Miss Sparks), past winners like Taylor Hicks and Ruben Studdard were both recently unceremoniously dropped from their recording deals. So when confronted with waning ratings during this season's tiresome pre-series run of "Hey, Look At That Jackass" moments, it seems that Idol producers turned to a tride and true gimmick in order to get people talking about their show once again. They created a controversy.

It's no secret that a large part of the appeal of American Idol is based on its proven track record of being able to catapault regular Joes (for example, a certain pear-shaped waitress from Texas) off of their couches and onto the top of the charts. However, when it came time to select the Final 24 this season, fearful producers decided that the amateur talent couldn't hack the load and, consequently, to stack the deck with a few ringers. We have already talked a bit about Carly Smithson (née Hennessy), but we just stumbled across some new details about her yesterday over at Vote For The Worst. Namely, they learned that Randy Jackson was working as the Senior VP of A&R when Smithson was signed to the label!

While doing some research for this Today Show piece that ran this morning (starring none other than Defamer's version of Ole Blue Eyes), we also learned another juicy detail about one of the contestants. Kristy Lee Cook, heir (and hair) apparent to Carrie Underwood, was once signed to Arista Nashville by, get this, Britney Spears' production company! And also that another contestant, Michael Johns, once fronted a major label rock act called The Rising (while using the name Michael Lee). Whether or not an "amateur" or one of these experienced pros ends up winning the contest, one thing is certain — people are talking about Idol again. Mission accomplished, producers, mission accomplished.

The Today Show [MSNBC]
Vote For The Worst

Drown Yourself In Andre: It's Mark's Last Day

Seth — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 12:47:13 PST

What do you say about Mark Lisanti that doesn't instantly start sounding like pathetic gushing? Is he one of the funniest, most brilliant writers ever to put fingers to keyboard? Of that there is no doubt. Has he left a mark? Try a Godzilla-sized footprint. Working with him over the last three years has been nothing less than the creative experience of a lifetime. The best part is that beneath that mountain of talent, Mark is one of the most humble, humane, and menschy guys you will ever meet. Also: His career has only just begun.

I was going to compile some sort of Best Of, but it's a fool's task. Here's a better idea: Crack open a bottle of André, click here, and curl up for an hour or five with his mind. It's a beautiful one.

Magical Defamer video gnome Molly McAleer has put together a visual goodbye, craftily calibrated to reduce Mark and his fans—every last one of you!—into a blubbering puddle of salty tears. It's sheer poetry.

From all of us here at Defamer:

Goodbye Mark. We love you.

Simon Cowell's Genital Odor Secrets Revealed By Loose-Lipped, Probably Fake Domestic

Seth — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 14:09:07 PST

It's not often that we run tips from maids, but something about this e-mail from a woman who purports to be a cleaning lady temporarily employed at the manse of American Idol's muscle-shirted dream-douser Simon Cowell instantly caught our attention:

I clean the house yesterday and I find la crema of odour genitales Nodoro, at the Simon Cawell house from Americano Idol. He not a nice man, so I was laughing so hard!!! ;P

I help clean temporary many different house. This house is [redacted] en Beverly Hills. Please you cannot say my name. Gracias, [Redacted].

Having been unfamiliar with the ball-stench-combatting properties of miracle ointment NodorO™, we didn't immediately know what our tipster was referring to. Luckily, after conferring with a highly placed Defamer operative well-versed in the condition, we were guided to their website. That we learned there of the product's heavy sponsorship of Howard Stern's show, however, did little to convince us of the authenticity of our helpful, Defamer-savvy housekeeper. Still, if there was even a slim chance that the acerbic Idol judge—whose balls we always imagined to smell of an intoxicating mixture of juniper berries and talc—is or has ever suffered from embarrassing nutstink, we were relieved to learn he can now lead a healthy and fulfilling existence thanks to NodorO™.

Red Hot Chili Pepper Sues Showtime For Not Coming Up With Their Own Cool Word That Means Screwing In The Golden State

Seth — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:15:35 PST

If you came to Californication without knowing much about the Showtime series, you'd be forgiven if you'd have expected the familiar Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Californication" to play under the show's titles; failing that, you'd think at least some reference to the band's hit 1999 album of the same name might figure into the action or back story. As it turns out, however, no permission from the band was secured by the network or the show's creators, who merely saw in the lexical hybrid a catchy, succinct term covering the shows primary themes of fucking and life in Southern California.

Now, reports THR ESQ, the Chili Peppers are suing:

The Peppers don't claim Federal trademark infringement. Instead they allege state law claims of unfair competition, dilution of value of the "Californication" mark and unjust enrichment.
"Californication is the signature CD, video and song of the band's career, and for some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right," band frontman Anthony Kiedis says [in a press release].

One would have thought that at least one clearance report red flag might have gone up alerting the network to the possibility of legal troubles down the line should they have chosen to borrow Kiedis's coinage without paying for the privilege. Still, faced with the series's rather cumbersome original working title of Midlife Crisis Featuring Bitter, Boozy Writer Who Gets Barrels of Pussy in an Improbable L.A. Teeming With Hot Bookworm Groupies, we can understand how they might have perhaps too hastily chosen to go with the far catchier one-word moniker.

Red Hot Chili Peppers Sue Showtime over 'Californication' Title [THR ESQ]

The Hollywood Blvd. All-Stars Review Britney Spears' 'Blackout'

Mark — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 15:07:07 PDT

In the unlikely event that it's slipped your mind, today marks the official release of the most anticipated comeback in the history of music, Britney Spears' Blackout, a record that the erstwhile pop-star, her label, and the intermittently estranged children who want their momma to start earning a living again desperately need to make the public forget about the vagina-flashing, VMA-trainwrecking desperation of her post-In The Zone life.

As we are wont to do on such important occasions, we sent indefatigable Defamer videographer Molly McAleer down to Hollywood Boulevard earlier this afternoon to share some of Britney's new tracks with the Walk of Fame's finest critics; we don't want to spoil too many of the video's surprises (especially a cameo by a previous Defamer on the Street contributor), but even the Chinese Theatre's Man of Steel seemed willing to let Spears' music once again touch his Kryptonian heart.

Previously: Hollywood Blvd. Reacts To Britney's Bad Night [Defamer]

Metal Skool Helping To Keep Jeremy Piven's Drumming Dreams Alive

Mark — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:26:49 PDT

It's hard to tell if Jeremy Piven's guest-drumming appearance in last night's Metal Skool show at the Key Club was another one of those memorably impromptu Make A Wish moments we've previously seen from him or something prearranged by a publicist wanting to keep him happy, but we suppose the question of spontaneity is ultimately unimportant. All that really matters is that even though Piven couldn't get through an entire song without stopping, his enthusiastic effort still earned him the Skool's heartfelt admiration: "That guy is slaying bitches with his fucking cock. I bet he gets more pussy than Tom Cruise."

Metal Skool & Jeremy Piven [YouTube]
Previously: Local Singer-Songwriter Facilitates Piven's Make-A-Wish Dreams [Defamer]

Informal Polling Reveals Kanye West Outpacing 50 Cent In Local Sales Race

Mark — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 14:17:28 PDT

Publicity averse hip-hop artists Kanye West and 50 Cent, as you may have heard, have mutually agreed to participate in a "feud" over the sales of their just-released albums, wherein 50 has promised to retire if West's CD outsells his, and West has pledged to suffer a marginally more intense conniption of wounded self-regard at the next awards show that fails to recognize his greatness if outdone by his rival. As we're deeply invested in the outcome of this competition, we dispatched Defamer videographer Molly McAleer to Hollywood's Amoeba Records for an update on the early results of the local sales race and some incisive analysis of the rapping frenemies.

Kanye Leads 50 Cent in CD Sales Face-Off [AP]

God Thinks Christina Aguilera Is A Ho

heatherfug — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 12:42:55 PDT

We had sensibly assumed the respiratory infection that struck down Christina Aguilera — forcing her to cancel her Australian concert dates — came from screeching those high notes prior to a parade of all-night, stress-relieving tour-bus orgies. But apparently we've been short-sighted, forgetting God's distaste for Louboutins, blondes, and wanton displays of sexuality the likes of which would make Satan pump his claws in triumph. Says the Baptists For Brownback blog:

[T]hanks to the majesty and power of God, the blaring megaphone of Chrisina [sic] Aguilera's sexual terrorism has been muffled.

Citing the lyrics to Aguilera's song "Naughty, Nasty Boy," which entreat a lusty hunk of sin-meat to "put your icing in [her] cake" and give her a spanking, the blogger — who runs a Web site in support of a Republican senator from Kansas — further suggests the virus is revenge for tainting the world with her red-lipped strumpetry:

"Naughty, Nasty Boy"... may as well be the official anthem for harlotry and sodomy. One can only imagine how many unplanned sexual events occurred as a result of impressionable young minds being exposed to such filth.

Whether the blog is real or a parody has been debated, but one thing's for sure: In this person's zeal to praise the Lord for restoring faith in His mysterious ways, the author forgot to check his facts, confusing the current story with an old one from 2000 detailing how Xtina and half her entourage got the same throat infection.

Still, what's a little fact-checking when you are a master of linguistic gymnastics? For the pure joy of its over-the-top-ness, we hope the blog is genuine, and that this person truly thinks God did take time out from His divine work helping sports teams win and fixing the Emmy nominations to cast a pox on one of the few young singers who manages to keep us guessing as to whether she's wearing panties. Because that way, we can await with drooling hunger the inevitable forthcoming treatises on how God shaved Britney's head, tipped off the cops about Paris Hilton's many offenses, and royally coked up Lindsay's pants. Ah, that God. Such a scamp.

Christina Aguilera Finally Tastes Her Just Desserts [Baptists For Brownback]
Baptists4Brownback... Is It A Spoof? [catvincent.livejournal.com]
Aguilera Cancels Two Australian Dates Because of Illness[SFGate.com]

Sanjaya Keeping Busy While Waiting For Someone To Give Him A Job

Mark — Tue, 22 May 2007 12:39:37 PDT

Some precocious students from RISD are currently circulating the above video on the internets, in which a postlapsarian Sanjaya Malakar begins a new campaign to rape the minds of an American public he hasn't been able to brain-diddle on a mass scale since his shocking Idol dismissal, claiming that "Sanjaya's" entire existence is nothing more than an elaborate art project by someone named "Bill Vendall." It's just cute enough to pass along, so: enjoy, even if it somewhat ruins your pet theory that tomorrow night's winner would dramatically tear off her latex Jordin mask to reveal the pony-hawked incubus beneath.

Previously: Sanjaya Malakar Out On 'Idol', Immediately Enters Negotiations To Join William Hung On Album Of Christmas Standards [Defamer]

Inside A Conspicuous Paris Hilton Awards Show Appearance

Mark — Mon, 12 Feb 2007 13:59:18 PST

While virtually our only memory of last night's Grammys telecast involves Justin Timberlake face-fucking a handheld video camera in an attempt to translate his performance into a more YouTube-ready format, an operative who was in attendance jogs our memory about a blink-and-you-missed-it Paris Hilton appearance we'd forgotten about, offering a look at how her two seconds of screen time was made possible:

i was at the Grammys last night and about 2/3 through the show Paris Hilton and friend were ushered in - people were asked to leave their seats and a small scuffle ensues, Paris and friend sat down in those seats, she applied makeup and talked on her phone then - then surprise - the camera gets a shot of her in the audience, then paris and friend get up and leave and the original seat holders get their seats back. Was this in any way related to Hilton being a major sponsor of the Grammys? And do they really think having her there helps promote the hotel chain? Cause when I see Paris I'm thinking "ho" not "hotels."

If the aim was to offer the Hiltons a sneaky, near-subliminal plug for their sponsoring hotel chain by briefly planting their living, sex-tape-plagued brand extension in the audience for a cameo, it almost certainly backfired, as within seconds of the heiress's flashing across our screen, we felt an uncontrollable urge to go see if Paris Exposed had come back online to post a new round of bubble bath videos and STD-suppressing prescriptions.

[Pictured: Hilton engaged in deep conversation about public policy issues with L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa at the Universal Music after-party. Photo: Getty Images]

Previously: Dixie Chicks Ride Country-Lite Flip-Off 'Nice' To Grammy Gold [Defamer]

Courtney Love Vs. The Defamers

Mark — Tue, 31 Oct 2006 10:27:05 PST

A few of our readers on the East Coast e-mailed to let us know that tenuously lucid rocker/local personality Courtney Love made the The View the latest stop on her Trip Back From The Bottom Tour, where in the course of continuing to promote her 15 months of sobriety, took some time to lament how cruelly those "awful new websites, you know, the Defamers" treated daughter Frances Bean after paparazzi caught them horseback riding on Mother's Day. We, of course, take umbrage at being lumped in as part of some blogging monolith obsessed with tormenting the teen, as we're sure we'd never cover something as inconsequential as this particular mother-daughter equestrian outing; we're far too busy with weightier matters, like stories about Mom trying to circumvent Starbucks' pet policy, loudly defending the cinematic talents of pal Brett Ratner, or catching a much-needed nap during the Borat premiere. We'd hate for Love to think that she has to compete with her own offspring for our fawning attention.

Complete Courtney Love Coverage [Defamer]

Behold Your Idolator

Seth — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 14:23:38 PDT

We were so dazzled by Gawker Media spanking new music industry blog Idolator's logo—it's exactly what we picture Lindsay Lohan's cigarette case looks like moments after she leans over to blow a rail off its cover—that we almost forgot to devour the delicious groupie-candy content and savvy industry analysis within. The official blurb: "When the internet came, we overthrew the pasty white tastemakers, the duplicitous music marketers and the manufactured pop idols. And then they all came back. This is Idolator. We're so disappointed." (The full manifesto is here.) Frequent Spin and Blender contributor Brian Raftery is your editor, Maura Johnston is your associate editor, and both are out to overhaul that oft-quoted Zappa notion that "rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read." Rock blogging may be all that too, but at least you can participate in the proceedings naked and from the comfort of your own home.

Idolator