Shakira Takes Celebrity Sex Tape Scandals To Whole New Level: The Threesome

Another week, another sex tape rumor. But unlike the somewhat harmless photos of good girl Kristin Davis that caught our attention a few weeks back, the news that Shakira and boyfriend Antonio de la Rua may have recorded each other Pam-and-Tommy style aboard a yacht sounds a bit racier. As one Spanish radio host put it, "if some of this tape's content would be made public, it could seriously threaten the singer and couple's private life." And aside from the prospect of seeing Shakira's famous curves dancing in dirtier ways we've ever seen, the story itself involves a third (and fourth!) party.

Poor Drunk Bastard Not Likely to Fuck With Willie Nelson's Little Girl Again

Madonna's Most Explicit Album Cover Yet Comes On The Eve Of Her 50th Birthday

If we saw our mother spreading her legs on billboards and in the window displays of old-fashioned CD stores, we'd probably either disown her, change our names or move to Mars. Unless, of course, she was Madonna. Then we might just have to put the poster up in our rooms. Madge is turning 50 this year, and she's not letting that stop her from putting out her single most explicit album cover to date. Even Erotica's open lips and Confessions On A Dance Floor's spread eagle from behind don't compare with the artwork for Hard Candy, which features the B12 shot lover posing as an S&M-inspired boxer (of sorts) waiting to "kick your ass" (just as Madonna promised the album would do). But just because Madonna's putting it all out there now doesn't mean her more suggestive covers weren't ten times sexier.

David Archuleta's Lyric-Challenged Tumble From 'Idol' Frontrunner Grace

To say that David Archuleta arrived at the Idol Thunderdome last night carrying with him the judges' raised expectations is akin to saying the Magi had high hopes for that Nazareth kid over at the Ye Bethlehem Inn. He was, as Simon Cowell pronounced in the second week of competition, "the one to beat"—as good a coronation of Saviordom as any. His myth quickly grew: Animated woodland critters would suddenly appear every time he opened his mouth to sing...His voice could heal the lame, bringing to his feet scores of girls afflicted with a rare condition that rendered them incapable of lowering their arms...His farts smelled like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. But anyone watching could immediately tell that something was not right:

Rejoice! Zonked Paula Is Back!

It's now official: We are in the midst of another Golden Era of Idol. You can toss it all at us—the gay stripper-boogers, the teen Mormon prodigies, the butch nurse-rockers (with male fiancés—DVR replay does not lie!), the off-duty drag queens with moms that look like Divine—but without a completely incoherent, equilibrium-challenged Paula Abdul, it really amounts to a whole lot of nothing.

'Hell To The No!' Says 'Idol' Oustee Asked To Reprise Her Failure Anthem

On last night's American Idol results show, two of this year's nine virtually identical blondes—cloned at Fremantle Laboratories off a Season One contestant who's been kept in a veal stall and fed on a diet of protein-boosted Jamba Juice and easy-listening favorites—were at risk of elimination. Only one was cut however, and that was (checking the website again just to be certain) Alaina Whitaker.

From David To Kelly: An 'Idol' Frontrunner's Brush With Destiny

If you aren't yet familiar with magical Mormon munchkin David Archuleta, chances are you will be soon. Already dubbed the Chosen One by the LAT, the 17-year-old singing wunderkind seems as though he were literally fashioned out of plasticine by disconcertingly bedentured Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe, ready out-of-the-box for mass tween consumption. And while his aw-shucks humility has served him well thus far in the competition (his reaction to the judge's gushing and Ryan Seacrest's mild flirtation after his first performance was something akin to tickling a five-year-old mercilessly), Archuleta, in keeping with the theme of this year's vet-heavy Idol, is no stranger to high-stakes performing.

'American Idol' Controversies Cresting As Season 7 Begins

Drown Yourself In Andre: It's Mark's Last Day

Simon Cowell's Genital Odor Secrets Revealed By Loose-Lipped, Probably Fake Domestic

It's not often that we run tips from maids, but something about this e-mail from a woman who purports to be a cleaning lady temporarily employed at the manse of American Idol's muscle-shirted dream-douser Simon Cowell instantly caught our attention:

I clean the house yesterday and I find la crema of odour genitales Nodoro, at the Simon Cawell house from Americano Idol. He not a nice man, so I was laughing so hard!!! ;P

Red Hot Chili Pepper Sues Showtime For Not Coming Up With Their Own Cool Word That Means Screwing In The Golden State

If you came to Californication without knowing much about the Showtime series, you'd be forgiven if you'd have expected the familiar Red Hot Chili Peppers song "Californication" to play under the show's titles; failing that, you'd think at least some reference to the band's hit 1999 album of the same name might figure into the action or back story. As it turns out, however, no permission from the band was secured by the network or the show's creators, who merely saw in the lexical hybrid a catchy, succinct term covering the shows primary themes of fucking and life in Southern California.

The Hollywood Blvd. All-Stars Review Britney Spears' 'Blackout'

In the unlikely event that it's slipped your mind, today marks the official release of the most anticipated comeback in the history of music, Britney Spears' Blackout, a record that the erstwhile pop-star, her label, and the intermittently estranged children who want their momma to start earning a living again desperately need to make the public forget about the vagina-flashing, VMA-trainwrecking desperation of her post-In The Zone life.

Metal Skool Helping To Keep Jeremy Piven's Drumming Dreams Alive

It's hard to tell if Jeremy Piven's guest-drumming appearance in last night's Metal Skool show at the Key Club was another one of those memorably impromptu Make A Wish moments we've previously seen from him or something prearranged by a publicist wanting to keep him happy, but we suppose the question of spontaneity is ultimately unimportant. All that really matters is that even though Piven couldn't get through an entire song without stopping, his enthusiastic effort still earned him the Skool's heartfelt admiration: "That guy is slaying bitches with his fucking cock. I bet he gets more pussy than Tom Cruise."

• Metal Skool & Jeremy Piven [YouTube]
• Previously: Local Singer-Songwriter Facilitates Piven's Make-A-Wish Dreams [Defamer]

Informal Polling Reveals Kanye West Outpacing 50 Cent In Local Sales Race

Publicity averse hip-hop artists Kanye West and 50 Cent, as you may have heard, have mutually agreed to participate in a "feud" over the sales of their just-released albums, wherein 50 has promised to retire if West's CD outsells his, and West has pledged to suffer a marginally more intense conniption of wounded self-regard at the next awards show that fails to recognize his greatness if outdone by his rival. As we're deeply invested in the outcome of this competition, we dispatched Defamer videographer Molly McAleer to Hollywood's Amoeba Records for an update on the early results of the local sales race and some incisive analysis of the rapping frenemies.

• Kanye Leads 50 Cent in CD Sales Face-Off [AP]

God Thinks Christina Aguilera Is A Ho

We had sensibly assumed the respiratory infection that struck down Christina Aguilera — forcing her to cancel her Australian concert dates — came from screeching those high notes prior to a parade of all-night, stress-relieving tour-bus orgies. But apparently we've been short-sighted, forgetting God's distaste for Louboutins, blondes, and wanton displays of sexuality the likes of which would make Satan pump his claws in triumph. Says the Baptists For Brownback blog:

[T]hanks to the majesty and power of God, the blaring megaphone of Chrisina [sic] Aguilera's sexual terrorism has been muffled.

Sanjaya Keeping Busy While Waiting For Someone To Give Him A Job

Inside A Conspicuous Paris Hilton Awards Show Appearance

Courtney Love Vs. The Defamers