When cops showed up, Kristina was lying on the ground outside their apartment "wearing only blue jean pants" and "bleeding from her nose," while Karissa was standing over Kristina asking who had done this, "as if she had no idea what had happened."

Best part: a neighbor said he witnessed the one twin kicking the other twin in the face, though "he could not identify which sister was which." Karissa eventually fessed up.

We beg to differ, TMZ; the "best part" is almost certainly that Kristina wore nothing but "blue jean pants" to the outdoor rumble with her twin sister, thus providing a pugilistic back story for what will almost certainly be a tastefully topless recreation of the incident in the pages of Playboy. Hef, enjoy your makeouts with the twins while they last, but if you take a Jimmy Choo to the face that was meant for Kristina, don't say we didn't warn you.

• Hef Twin Busted for Catfight with Her Sis! [TMZ]

According to TMZ, both sisters were arrested earlier this year for felony aggravated battery in the decidedly non-Holmby Hills locale of St. Petersburg, Florida. What exactly transpired in this bunny-on-bunny-on-civilian crime? Says the website:

We just talked to a relative of one of the victims and here's what they tell us went down. The twins went out after work with one of their Wing House co-workers, Erica Civello, to a house party. Kristina allegedly started arguing with Erica, and Karissa came up behind her and hit Erica over the head with a bottle of beer and they both "jumped her." Erica suffered a concussion.

The mystery of Wing House rears its engimatic head once more! Was the twins' former place of employment this Hooters knockoff, or was it this transitional house for adult survivors of traumatic brain injury? Based on the context clues, we're thinking the former...but Erica? That other Wing House might be just the ticket for you in your Bud Light-brained state. Godspeed!

• Hef's Girls Put the Jail in Jailbait [TMZ]

"If Holly says it's over, I guess it's over," Hefner told the AP on Wednesday, adding that Madison is still living in the Mansion despite her recent confession that she's ready to settle down and start a family. Hef also acknowledged telling Madison six months ago that he wanted none of that, apparently triggering an internal crisis about which even he was unaware:

"The fact that she was depressed after that, I didn't know at all. That was a revelation in the last days and weeks. Quite frankly, we thought when the time came, we would make a combined statement and we expected that combined statement would be somewhere in the weeks and months ahead."

Of course, anyone who's seen The House Bunny can corroborate this and vouch for Hef's despair; nobody leaves the Mansion without saying goodbye, lest the 82-year-old's sad voice turn up on the other end of her phone at the most inopportune time — like, in the middle of a date with Colin Hanks or something. Awkward! Moreover, this is why some of us choose to avoid The Girls Next Door — how have we missed out on the drama of this dissolution since April? Step it up, E! Man cannot live by Kendra's Olive Garden controversies alone.

• HEFNER 'DOWN IN THE DUMPS' ABOUT MADISON SPLIT [AP]

we are kristina & karissa shannon we are idenical twins we work well together and have worked for winghouse doing advertisement for 3 yrs. and are now working on the centerfold for playboy!!!we are new playmates and are exploding fast we are going to be shooting the girls next door show while doing our centerfold while we are out at the mansion in LA we love modeling,acting, and are very outgoing with great,fun ,and exciting personality's! we are interested in doing movies,commercial's, host events exc.We have done commercials and billboards and the cover of the swimsuit calender's and things for winghouse!

We were somewhat curious about the much-mentioned "winghouse," so we did some further digging and can narrow the Winghouse in question to one of two alternatives: either the twins posed for this Hooters knockoff, or they've kindly devoted their time to cheering up adult survivors of traumatic brain injury. Either way, their sparkling "personality's" should help them take the Mansion by storm! Enjoy your high-flying, semi-incestuous new life, ladies!

• Hugh Hefner’s New Twins [Buzzfeed]

• karissa&kristina [OneModelPlace]

When a TMZ cameraman recently asked her if she can get him into an upcoming Halloween bash at the Playboy mansion, she replied: "I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren't together."

Madison then took to her Myspace blog for an an ellipsis-filled elaboration:

Current mood: lonely

Hef and I care about each other immensely and will always be best friends . . . I do have my own place, but I am still at the Mansion, too, right now . . . I'm too busy to move even if I wanted to! hahaha . . . Bridget, Kendra and I are all still best friends and plan on doing several projects together in the future . . . even though Bridget is in Europe right now and I am sad and lonely without her . . .

You will see how it all happens in Season 5 . . . Sunday nights on E! . . . How lame, I just turned that into the most shameless plug ever . . . lol!

Love-Holly

We've heard rumors that Hef has replaced Madison with a pair of younger twins, representing a savvy divestment of his portfolio and an example of the "buy low" philosophy that distinguishes the sex mogul's business savvy. Kendra and Bridget, you'd better watch out: today, you may be flying high in a Holmby Hills mansion, but before you know it, you bunnies may be bounced, forced to turn to a foreclosed mansion (filled with bobcats) in Lake Elsinore.

• Holly Madison: "Hef and I Aren't Together" [Us]

Is it possible that Hef is losing his mojo? That women find his wrinkly skin and thinning hair unattractive? That they enjoy the company of a man who doesn’t always feel the need to wear a smoking jacket? Surely these girls aren’t just pretending to like Hef as a publicity stunt while they build up their careers with reality shows and magazine appearances. That would be unconscionable.

It’s a sad day in Holmby Hills when a man can’t find true love and happiness with three blond women less than half his age. But does that mean its time for Hef to stop having sex and start drinking prune juice and watching Matlock? Nah. There’s probably an 18-year-old fresh off the bus from Iowa swimming in the Grotto right now. And as long as Hef has Viagra coursing through his veins, he will make her his new girl next door.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• HUGH HEFNER'S CRUMBLING HAREM [NY Post]

Clearly, Criss Angel — who has always scored a ridiculous amount of tail for someone who wears guyliner — is one to fawn over. He's got way more going for him than Hef: sperm count, lots of cool tats, and most importantly: magic.

But Holly still isn't copping up to her tricks, even after photos surfaced last week of the two canoodling in Sin City. Yesterday on her MySpace, where she suspiciously (guiltily?) lists the magician's A&E's show Mindfreak as her fave television show, she had this to say about her two-timing ways:

Anyway, Criss and I are just friends right about now . . . I love how that totally innocent picture of us means we are not just dating but "going public"...

But today, her denial was nowhere to be found on the page. Hmm...maybe Criss Angel made it dissappear?

The Hef-ster also says he and Holly are still an item ... for now.

"She is still my girlfriend," he tells Usmagazine.com in a new interview. "Now will that last? I don’t think anything lasts forever.

At least not without Viagra.

[Photo Credits: Getty Images, X17]

• Playboy's Hugh Hefner: Holly Madison "Is Still My Girlfriend" [US Magazine]

Jason Statham: He was escorted recently by five security guards off the property after he refused to pose for pictures at the Midsummer's Night Dream Party. The last thing anyone heard him say was, "I'll be back to bulldoze the Grotto, you wankers!"
Ben Affleck: New to the neighborhood, he could have easily flown into a rage when Girl Next Door Bridget Marquardt rang their doorbell to ask Jennifer Garner if she could "spare a cub of lube."
Pauly Shore: Just 'cause.
Hector Jimenez: Disgruntled groundskeeper.
Anna Faris in a moustache disguise: Because she is starring in a movie about a Playboy Bunny, and this is tangentially related and therefore humorous. Also, she's a notorious road-rager.

Feel free to add more to the lineup in the comments, you Encyclopedia Browns and Nancy Drews, you!

• Man rams into Playboy Mansion gates — twice [MSNBC]

For instance, this week's episode begins with the girls gathering together for an impromptu table read of the script for House Bunny, the soon-to-be-released Anna Faris vehicle. After pouring through the script, not only do they find out that their appearance is limited to a single page (Page 78, if you must know), but they also bemoan the fact that they've been reduced to bantering about such silly topics as whipped cream drenched pillow fights. Don't worry, ladies; when Brett Ratner finally decides to get onboard with the project he was born to direct, there'll be plenty of time to sleep your way into a role playing someone other than yourself (so long as it's still a Bunny).

• The Girls Next Door [E!]

1) How To Cure Pre-Teen Son’s Boredom: Place Silicone Breasts Directly In Front Of Child’s Face! While Ali burns eardrums away in the recording studio, Dina finds herself in a horrifying place: alone with Cody, the one kid she has nothing in common with. And Cody was bored, as many a boring person becomes when left unentertained by others. So! Off to meet the Girls Next Door and their owner Hugh Hefner, where any swinging dick, no matter how pre-pubescent, will promptly blush, explode in giggles, and shamefully retreat.

2) How To Undermine Your Daughter: Ensure They Never Succeed In Showbiz! After Dina hires the aforementioned Mr. Hot, a clearly under-qualified music producer who specializes in "guy songs," Ali musters up enough courage to question her mom's decision. But the poor tone-deaf kid obviously still doesn't know who she's dealing with — whenever her expert opinion is questioned, Dina knows to respond by instantly blaming the inadequate results on your child, and secondly, repeat the under-used and always infuriating "I told ya so!" mantra.

3) How To Feel Sexy When Pushing Fifty: A Little Trick Called 'Me Time'! If you're like us, you've often stared into the flawless abyss that is Dina Lohan's wrinkle-free face and wondered how, (HOW!?) can anyone be so impossibly beautiful after pushing out three and a half kids. Dina's secret? Odd and embarrassing workouts involving melon-size green aerobic balls used as disco-blaring speakers only the insane can bop along to! Oh, and mani-pedis, of course.

• LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Hef then went further, trying a foursome out on his own family. "It did happen with his brother, Keith, and his wife, Rae, one evening," Watts writes. "[But] while Millie ultimately backed out of having sex with Keith, Hugh slept with his sister-in-law."

The book also claims Hef once tried a gay tryst. "Hefner's thirst for sexual experience became so strong that he even had a one-time homosexual experience," Watts writes. "One evening in downtown Chicago he was propositioned and, according to Sellers, he 'thought, what the hell. Found it an interesting experience. As far as I know, the guy just gave him [oral sex].'"

Hef, you rascal! While the Chicago tourism board and The Advocate would no doubt welcome your twin endorsements of the Windy City and gay bee-jays, you surely queered the deal with intra-family extracurriculars that are more Penthouse than Playboy. Still, your pre-Eisenhower romp deserves kudos for one thing: it's the only recorded foursome in history with participants named "Millie" and "Rae."

• HEF WANTED FAMILY FOURSOME [Page Six]

If you've had the great pleasure of catching an episode of Denise Richards' star vehicle, It's Complicated, or watching one of her many defensive "I'm A Good Person, Not A Sperm-Stealing Slut" promotional appearances, you may have noticed her quiet insistence on clearing up all those rumors that she stole Bon Jovi guitar hero Richie Sambora from former BFF Heather Locklear. Adding salt to Heather's wound is her assurance that the two weren't even friends — Richards told The View she just met Heather through shared ex and current pay-for-sex repeat offender Charlie Sheen. But Locklear's camp tells the NY Post that the blonde "has phone records that prove Denise was calling Richie while Heather was still married to him...Heather was such a good friend to Denise. She gave Denise clothes and offered her a shoulder to cry on...there are even photos in the press of Heather taking Denise out after she and Charlie split."

Well we're sold. If Heather says she has phone records, says she has pictures, and says she gave Denise actual clothes (since when does the husband get the wife's wardrobe in divorce court?), we don't need further proof. After all, Locklear told us "glamour is all about what you feel inside" in those L'Oreal spots, and truer words were never, ever spoken.

As for Hefner's wild bunch, TMZ reports that producers of everyone's favorite sunny and sparkly show best played on mute, The Girls Next Door, have found themselves in the middle of number one prostitute girl Holly Madison's and trailer park refugee Kendra Wilkinson's battling egos. Though mere (yawn) jealousy is at the center of the fight for Hef's Viagra-bolstered bedroom moves, we're confused about the reported "flying fur" producers are dealing with. Are wigs being torn off? Bikini wax remnants saved and thrust across the pool? We'll have to actually watch the damn thing to demystify that enigma.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• CLAWS OUT AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION [TMZ]
• DENISE'S 'REALITY' CHALLENGED [NYP]

We rarely like to take a mental walk down memory lane when it comes to the Most Nauseating Celebrity Hookups of all time, but news of the latest addition has unfortunately led us to revisit the grotesque list. We’ve already seen Liza Minelli and Phantom Of The Plastic Surgery Ward David Gest exchange saliva, Star Jones give Al an awkward lap dance and guiltily pleasured ourselves by witnessing wrinkly charmer Hugh Hefner and his thin lips attach themselves to the Girls Next Door. But after reading about one beach yoga-practicing, SUV-abandoning actor known for generally annoying everyone in Hollywood, and one scratchy-voiced “punk” rock chick known for generally hating everyone in Hollywood playing tongue twister in LA this past Tuesday, we may have a winner. The canoodlers in question, and just how far they went, after the jump:

Yes, sadly but truly, none other than the Pivster and recently divorced singer Pink (whose name makes absolutely no sense anymore considering she is currently Jet Black) were reportedly seen getting "hot and heavy on the dance floor" this week, according to the NY Post. As a source put it, they were "all over each other and dancing really close," which really gives an entirely new meaning to "Hug It Out, Bitch," no?

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• DANCE PARTNERS [NYP]

[Photo credit: Getty]

• Playboy.com

• Girls of Olive Garden [Playboy]

As The Sun reports, the icing on Hef's 82nd birthday cake included walking into his suite at a Vegas hotel to find Anderson inside, wearing nothing but high heels. We're not sure such trousers-tightening surprises are the wisest stunts to pull now that Hef is reaching a certain age, but observers said no medics were called. As hotel owner George Maloof put it, "He was stunned and had the biggest smile I've ever seen." Which is all fine and dandy, but if the lap dance was so public that even the hotel owner was invited, shouldn't there be pictures of the uninhibited Pammy floating around by now? We'll be waiting.

[Photo Credit: Lillith E-zine]

• ANDERSON TO STAR IN E! REALITY SERIES [Var]
• PAMELA ANDERSON STRIPS OFF FOR HUGH HEFNER'S BIRTHDAY [The Sun]

First we have the blonder Ashley, who appears to be obeying every women's magazine advisory to apply sunscreen everywhere from your areolas to your inner wrists. But we're digging the squeezable thighs and the curvy tummy:

And though the more messy-haired Mary-Kate isn't quite revealing as much skin in these pics, we're pretty sure we spot an actual boob. Of the non-concave variety. We're also overjoyed to see that infamous back of hers, once featuring vertebrae so prominent you could open a bottle of Coors off them. All we see is a nicely tan rear with no signs of starvation.

But you tell us: are the Olsens officially hot, or have they just mildly improved?

[Photo Credits: Egotastic]

• MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN BIKINI PICTURES [Egotastic]

Let's take a look-see and figure out whether it's time for ol' Hef to retire his scouting skills. We'll compare the Olsens back in the day, when they were healthy-looking tweenybops ready to take over the world (too bad about that whole drugs/anorexia/college dropout thing, huh?), to their current states of barely breathing. First, a glimpse of the Olsens of yore:

And, shield your eyes kiddies, a dark glimpse into what exactly Hef thinks will drive the boys wild:

Well hey, maybe if Ashley could just hold that squatting pose while MK wraps her pin-thin legs around her waist and then, uh, no, nevermind. We can't even let our imaginations reach that point, or we may be scarred for life.

• THE OLSEN TWINS ASKED TO POSE FOR PLAYBOY [Ace Showbiz]

After telling her what he looks for in his clients ("a) potential, b) looks...and the owner's interest level"), he attempts a joke by saying he's required to do an inspection of the dog's residence. In this case, the Playboy Mansion. Smart as a whip, Bridget actually agrees to the sleazy come-on seconds before he pulls out the "Just Kidding" card. Oh Nick. When will guys in LA learn that girls on reality television will pretty much say yes to anything?

· Hugh Hefner donates $2 million to USC Film School, part of which will be earmarked for an intramural search for the talent needed for his planned "Naughtiest Young Filmmakers In Southern California Colleges" issue of Playboy magazine. [Variety]
· The DGA may begin contract talks of its own with the AMPTP next month, leaving the Writers Guild to hope their colleagues don't set a bad pattern-bargaining precedent by accepting the first "you'll get .3% internet residuals and like it" proposal laid on the table. [THR]
· John C. Reilly as a vampire. Yeah, we could be into that. [Variety]

We're sure whatever controversy is being stirred up in the aftermath of Hef's recent Midsummer Night's Dream Party will quickly be resolved, well before it gets to the point where someone suggests the shuttering of the compound's legendary "No Means Yes" room, a beloved relic of a more sexually adventurous, less uptight time.

• Sex Assault Suspected at Playboy Mansion [ABC News]

Shortly after fainting from delight from reading the phrases "Brett Ratner is set to direct," "Brian Grazer is producing," and "film about the life of Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner" contained in the lede of today's Variety story on the progress of a Hef biopic, a quick-thinking intern revived us with smelling salts, allowing us to read about how Hollywood's most lovable fauxteur and its leading, newly single superproducer have come to team up on the dream project. Reports Var:

Grazer optioned Hefner's life rights several years ago. The producer's "8 Mile" scribe Scott Silver tried it as a musical, and Oliver Stone developed several drafts. Making a film of Hefner's long life as icon of the sexual revolution has proven difficult, but Ratner and Hoffman found a way to do it that pleased Grazer and the 81-year-old Hefner, who approved the take late last week in a meeting at the Playboy Mansion.

Ratner, who completed "Rush Hour 3" for an Aug. 10 release through New Line and has a rep as a playboy himself, knows much about the mag's history, though his mansion visit was his first. When Grazer made his original deal with Hefner, Ratner sent the producer his Playboy pinball machine, which sits outside Grazer's office at Imagine. [...]

Hef came from a puritanical upbringing and reinvented himself to be the godfather of the sexual revolution," Ratner told Daily Variety. "He also used his magazine to advocate civil rights and free speech, and put James Brown on his show 'Playboy After Dark' when they didn't put black performers on national television. He broke all kinds of taboos, especially in sexuality. I want to show it all, from the First Amendment struggles to his first orgy to the stroke in the 1980s that almost killed him."

Perhaps the most surprising element of this thoroughly incredible story is that Ratner, whose Hillhaven Lodge aspires to be a to-scale facsimile (complete with its own randy, superannuated patriarch prowling the grounds) of the famous Mansion, had never previously visited Hefner's Xanadu. But fun tidbits like that one aside, we're encouraged by Ratner's obvious passion for his subject, an exuberance that leads us to believe that he won't have to wait for the passing of his mentor to make his long-promised Oscar film, finally leaving behind the genital-cleaving, broken-English-misunderstanding, buddy-comedy hackwork upon which he has wasted his considerable talents up to this career-validating moment.

• Brett Ratner to direct 'Playboy' [Variety]

In his letter to Alba, Hefner apologized for "any distress unintentionally caused by the publication of your photo" on the March cover.

"What was intended as a tribute to your tremendous popularity has been misinterpreted by some as something else for which we are truly sorry since we are among your biggest fans," Hefner said.

We're not all surprised that Hefner was the bigger man and took steps to put this ugly situation behind him, allowing him to return to his crucial day-to-day responsibilities of enslaving half a dozen blondes at his Viagra-fueled sexual detention center.

• Jessica Alba, Playboy end spat with Hefner apology [Reuters]
• Previously: Jessica Alba Is Not Naked In This Month's Playboy [Defamer]

Another Halloween, another excuse to snag myself on the barbed-wire B-list bonanza that is Hef's annual Mansion spookfest. I befriended an ex-playmate on the shuttle-ride over, who became my evening's gossip guide. Among the more interesting morsels: the haunted house, mounted every year on the tennis courts, was toned down considerably this time around after Paris Hilton threatened to sue when one of the hired ghouls supposedly 'groped' her in the ghoul room. Didn't scare her off, however, cause she, Nicky, Stavros et al. were there in full force. She was in a bunny costume (the creativity!) and a gigantic blonde wig. After a quick huddle, they broke with a renewed, almost supplemented amount of vigor, and attacked the dance floor.

Also spotted: Alan Thicke, leering lasciviously at every piece of ass to cross his field of vision while his new bride (and longtime girlfriend) Tanya Callou hit the dancefloor for some bunny-hunting. (My playmate pal told me he likes to keeps things fresh.) Appropriately enough for Halloween, the very embodiment of evil Jonathan Baker from The Amazing Race was sliming up the game house, dressed as "Playboy Man" (loser). He was loudly listing his Ferrari specs and saying wife/abuse-receiver Victoria Fuller was somewhere in the main house. Hard to believe, but he's even more hateful in person.

Ari Gold, I mean, Jeremy Piven (no discernible costume), was there, looking shorter than I imagined and with a permanently stunned look on his face, but behaving himself. Bill Maher (in Heffish blazer, which is hardly a costume) had a chick on each arm, and a shit-eating grin. A diminutive Frankie Muniz (looking 12 but actually almost 20), started out alone but ended up with a trashy looking blonde woman all over him. Could have been his mom. Matthew Perry showed up a little late, looking chunky and all unfocused, glassy-eyed smiles. Matt Dillon was there too! Dude looks pretty damn good, considering he's in his 40s.

Best costume of the night? The dude in his 70s with an IV on wheels, in a hospital gown, red scabs all over his face. I'm assuming it was a costume, and not one of Hef's pals who just couldn't pull together an outfit in time.

See ya next year!

• Previously: Defamer Party Report: A C-List Evening At Hef’s Place [Defamer]