Her narcissistic attachment to her tabloid persona is front and center, as is her apparent drug abuse, but so is her humanity. In fact, the film is surprisingly sympathetic; one memorable scene shows Fleiss befriending an elderly woman in a nursing home. But Fleiss, who has agreed to join the upcoming season of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab, has yet to see it after a falling-out with the directors.

In a meandering phone conversation, Fleiss lists her complaints about the filming process, which range from the cameras disturbing her pet birds to an inadequate focus on her chain of Nevada laundromats. “I was hoping it would be fun,” she says, “but instead it was me getting mad.”

There there, Heidi. Who wouldn't be a tad peeved if they'd spent years trying to mount an ambitious male brothel and all they had to show for it was an exotic bird fetish and the stink of Febreze?

• WONDER BOYS [W Magazine]

Here's a once-prim Beverly Hills girl, daughter of a pediatrician and school teacher, who builds a world-class brothel, goes to jail, gets hooked on crystal meth — and then moves to Pahrump, Nevada to start yet another prostitution ring, this one designed for rich women who want to hire guys to service them.

Bizarre? Definitely, and that's why Sheila Nevins bought the rights to her "life story" and why the talented team of Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato decided to make a doc about her. To be sure, half way [sic] into the project Heidi decided to end her cooperation. "She's really Jekyll and Heidi," says Bailey. "Her personality changes hour by hour."

In the end, Nevins herself had to step in to grab an interview, at which we'll have a look this week during our coverage of the Los Angeles Film Festival. It was probably the exotic-bird "fetish" that put us over the top, or maybe Fleiss's allusions to the "three years in lesbian hell" that was her imprisonment. Either way, here's hoping Bart isn't pulling yet another of his banal corporate whitewashes on us — we do tend to enjoy a good "opera," especially those spotlighting B-list crank addiction. Oh, the drama.

[Photo Credit: LAFF]

• The Rise & Fall of Heidi Fleiss [PeterBart.com]

boomp3.com

Entourage star Kevin Dillon ran into some of New Jersey's finest at an appearance at The Pool in Atlantic City over the weekend. Not being a neophyte in the often perilous club-going-for-pay circuit, Dillon made sure that his rider contained a section which stipulated that he must be secluded from a majority of the club either behind a velvet rope or sequestered in the V.I.P. area. However, these precautions did not prove to be ironclad enough to prevent him from interacting with a few overzealous fans of the HBO series, who knocked down the red velvet rope and demanded to have their pictures taken with Dillon. One fan said, "How often is Johnny motherfucking Drama in the A.C.? Not that fucking often. No stupid rope is going to stop me and Frankie and Kari and Mary and Frankie #2 from getting our picture with him! We would've done the same thing if it was Derek Jeter or one of those Gossip Girls."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

“On a recent weekend, Jeremy rode the Planet Hollywood private jet from Las Vegas to Los Angeles and...started chatting about Entourage. [Piven] suggested that it would be fun to have [his seatmate] make an appearance...Jeremy was overheard calling a producer and telling him as soon as the plane touched down in LA.”

So which diva extraordinaire tickled Piven’s pickle so well she earned herself a much-needed spot on the HBO hit? Details after the jump.

Apparently Piven was seated next to one Miss Whitney Houston on the short plane ride in question, and something in her dilated eyes, crack pipe-wounded chuckle, and most importantly, her tightly packed and newly improved cleavage, inspired Jeremy to give this bitch one hell of a hug and offer her a cameo on Entourage. The mind reels just picturing what Piven has in mind — a competitive power agent who lures clients away using a goodie-packed drawer in her office? Turtle's new S&M-loving cougar crush? Ari's ex-wife's new lesbian lover (remember: lesbians are so hot this season)? We can hardly wait for the inevitable gossip stories involving ongoing on-set epic bickering between two of the most self-important stars around today.

[Photo credits: FilmMagic, Wireimage]

• JEREMY PIVEN IS ALWAYS WORKING [Janet Charlton]

Time Warner CEO Jeff Bewkes said Monday the media giant has "no agenda" regarding the acquisition of a television network, despite renewed speculation over a possible hook-up with NBC Universal.

"All of us are wondering what will happen to the networks," Bewkes said at a media conference in Gotham. As for NBC, "We'd have a look at that if and when it came up."

"If and when" Universal would be willing to part with their attractive NBC media-holdings portfolio—encompassing a wide array of gladiatorial and celebrity-trapeze entertainments, plus the talent-show-judging services of David Hasselhoff—we're all but certain a merger-hungry Time Warner will be there to swoop in with an extremely generous number, plus some sketched-out logo ideas for the newly rechristened NBC Time Warner Telemundo Television iVillage Bravo Studios. © Time Warner 2008. All Rights Reserved.

• Time Warner dispels NBC rumor [Variety]

Show: On The Lot, 2007
Network: Fox
Wizards: Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett, producers. Carrie Fisher, Garry Marshall, and Brett Ratner, judges.
Fate: Lasting only one season, the extremely low-rated show pitted unknown directors against one another based on three-minute film submissions. Despite winner Will Bigham's "directing" aspirations, Will is currently and unsurprisingly pounding the pavement as a (still-unknown) actor.

Project Greenlight, 2001-05:
Network: HBO (two seasons), Bravo (one season)
Wizards: Alex Keledjian and Eli Holzman, creators. Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Chris Moore, producers, backed by Miramax Films and LivePlanet.
Fate: HBO dumped the series to Bravo after two seasons in which the winning screenwriters' films each grossed under $300k in national releases. Bravo's winning duo turned out the little-remembered horror movie (oops) Feast that, despite the best efforts of GULAGER, went quickly to limited release, and even more quickly to DVD.

Grease: You're The One That I Want, 2007
Network: NBC
Wizards: BBC fashioned the US show after Andrew Lloyd Webber's successful format for casting Broadway unknowns in How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? in the UK. Billy Bush hosted.
Fate: As with so many series borrowed by the Brits, NBC's gamble followed in the footsteps of The Office and American Idol, turning out big ratings and even bigger interest (at first) on Broadway once the winning leads took the stage.

It Factor, 2002
Network: Bravo
Wizards: Nicole Torre, Alice Peck, producers.
Fate: Though the show lasted just two seasons, the documentary following actors trying to get their big break did turn out two working stars. Sure, one got a gig as a 7Up spokesman, but Michaela Conlin went on to become a regular on Bones.

Show:Fight For Fame, 2005
Network: E!
Wizards: Adam Lieblein and Greg Meyer, producers and Acme agents.
Fate: Another documentary-style program, featuring five wannabe actors competing for a deal with Acme, the show suffered due to a boring format (monologues began each episode) and predictably low interested in real-agents-as-stars. Had Ari Emanuel been in charge, it would have been another story. The SF Gate summarized the one-season snoozer by including it in a piece entitled "Some Shows So Bad You Can't Be Paid To Watch."

• VH1 GREENLIGHTS 'SCREAM QUEENS' [THR]

Clearly that's all Payne — himself long entrenched among Hollywood's generously beschlonged elite — had to know before signing on to his first TV directing gig. The pilot is in the works as we speak, with casting announcements soon to follow; we expect no less than Payne alum Thomas Haden Church to sign on as the lead, while Zak Efron, breaking through in his first real young adult role, will play the troubled son coming to terms with his own one-eyed, pavement-scraping inheritance.

• Alexander Payne signs on for 'Hung' [Variety]

Geimer had flown in from Hawaii, "a beautiful spot where no one is aware or even cares"; she's now happily married with three children and working as a "personal assistant, accountant, and bookkeeper" for a real-estate developer. Both her husband and her mother, who had taken her to the party where the incident took place, had gotten gussied up with her for the premiere. ...

She approves of the movie — "I didn't think somebody could make it that interesting" — and hopes it will quell some of the curiosity about what happened that night. "I'm glad [director Marina Zenovich] put the truth of the way it happened out there, because I don't want to have to tell people," she says. "It's nice that she went ahead and did it, so people can know the truth and I can just go, 'It's a great movie!'"

Well, then, fantastic. We don't know how or even if ThinkFilm, the distributor who will (re?)release the film theatrically in July, plans to outdo Geimer's appearance later this summer, though a cleverly disguised Polanski himself — smuggled into the States via suitcase, natch — would be just the kind of coup to launch this film into the March of the Penguins-esque notoriety that would position everybody right where they want them come Oscar time. Or, considering how one popular Web site even has Geimer and Polanski listed as an item after all these years, just overturn the conviction and let felony bygones be bygones. Clearly it's time.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• The Surprise Guest at the Roman Polanski Documentary Premiere [Vulture]

A TV series, reports Variety, based on Cocaine Cowboys, a documentary about the 1980s drug trade. Both men's involvement would be limited to executive producing services, but don't expect that to mean the impressively pedigreed series, which could end up at HBO, will skimp on spectacular action sequences. The premiere finale alone is a showstopper: An exotic sports car race through the streets of Miami results in a Saleen Twin Turbo flying in slo-mo over four lanes of Lincoln Rd. traffic, through the glass-bricked facade of a local salsa club, and into a mountain of cocaine, the drug's high gasoline-content instantly erupting into a block-consuming fireball.

• Bruckheimer, Bay eye reteam [Variety]

As noted by The Hollywood Reporter, when HBO has broadcast previous ThinkFilm releases ahead of time, the theatrical runs suffered from a lack of reviews; with Wanted and Desired headed to Cannes, however, and The New York Times already having reviewed its short New York run, ThinkFilm president Mark Urman said he isn't worrying about it. Moreover, with ThinkFilm coming off a Best Documentary Oscar win with Taxi to the Dark Side, look for Wanted and Desired to jump near the top the early '08 Oscar nominee short list overnight — if it hasn't already. Somehow we doubt Ben Stein's Yoko-tweaking right-wing hit Expelled will be in the running come January.

• ThinkFilm picks up 'Roman Polanski' rights [THR]

1) Where's The Classic Foursome Shot?: Yes, SJP is the star (and one of the EPs) of the series. But to feature only her on the poster is not only a slap in the face to her co-stars, each of whom are reduced to credits only, but confirms those rumors that SJP "demanded" that only she be the face of the poster. So congrats, Sarah Jessica. We get it. Kudos. You just didn't have to (literally) shove that fact in our face, k?

2) The Font's Angle Wouldn't Give Us A Headache...If We Were Stoned: How edgy! The credits, the title, and even SJP's stance is all wonkily crooked to the point where any effort we might have taken to read the small script would require tilting our heads to the side and squinting. Which really isn't fun at all. What's the point? New York is like, wild? Something more profound, like the girls are teetering on the edge of adulthood (a stage we're pretty sure we reached by Season Two)?

3) Pat Fields Has Officially Reached The Height Of Tackiness: From time to time, SATC costume designer and notoriously eccentric stylist Pat Fields has come through with a killer ensemble for the leading ladies. Sure, no "normal" girl could pull them off, but cinematically, they worked. And yet. We don't care if that blue smock is made of the purest crushed blue sapphires sourced straight from Burma; all we see is a shaggy shapeless rug. And don't get us started on the black fishnets. Really? No, really?

[Photo credit: WB/New Line via Firstshowing.net]

• EXCLUSIVE: FINAL 'SEX AND THE CITY: THE MOVIE' POSTER [FinalShowing.net]

· The Week in Unnecessary Terminator Remake News: Moon Bloodgood (now that's a name) has been cast in McG's Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins, while Fox picks up another 13 episodes of Terminator: The Jailbait Killing Machine Chronicles. [THR, THR]
· Like type 2 diabetes and things with your girlfriend lately, SAG negotiations have become "much more serious." [Variety]
· The founder of the Hell's Angels (the very fact that that person is still alive fills us with awe) is suing HBO over their pilot 1%, saying the Donald Logue series about an Arizona motorcycle club was his idea. [THR]

HBO Documentary Films purchased Wanted and Desired for $1 million out of Sundance, planning a cable premiere and a DVD release — but no theatrical run. Except that to qualify for an Oscar, you have to screen "for a minimum of seven days in both Los Angeles County and the Borough of Manhattan." We don't know what to tell you about Los Angeles, but we know now — thanks to an eagle-eye who pointed out the microscopic newspaper ad above — that HBO is protecting its audience for the June 9 cable premiere and keeping its Oscar hopes alive by dumping it in the farthest reaches of Upper Manhattan for the bare minimum two afternoon screenings per day.

An HBO rep contacted by Defamer had no word on Los Angeles screening location or dates, so we're not sure if you've missed it already or not. Check your local listings, we suppose. In any case, we know docs are a tough sell these days, but either way: This isn't exactly the kind of treatment supposedly Oscar-worthy films deserve, is it?

UPDATE: A resourceful tipster sends word that Wanted and Desired is in fact currently screening in Pasadena at the Laemmle One Colorado through April 3 at the convenient hours of 1 p.m. and 3 p.m.

Under the influence, we could easily see Vince stripping down to his boxer briefs, coming across a curvy cactus, and mistaking it for long-lost love Mandy Moore. A tearful embrace will ensue, leaving Vince shredded and bloody after Prickly Mandy's thorny rejection. As for Eric, we predict his height complex will disappear as he begins to feel ten feet tall. He will attempt to climb the 5,000 foot-high Ryan Mountain barefoot (to feel at one with the terrain), and fingers crossed, fall to his death. Crew sherpa Drama will abandon the gang after spotting a bikini-clad casting director on the trails. Though it hasn't been confirmed that Ari will tag along, we would enjoy a scene in which he hugs it out with Turtle before devouring his plump limbs. We've been waiting for a Rex Lee spinoff anyway.

• 'ENTOURAGE' GETS PSYCHEDELIC THIS FALL [EW.com]

· Foreigners aren't picky. They love 10,000 B.C.! [Variety]
· Big Brother is sent back to the summer TV gulag, after a freakish, strike-necessitated winter edition, which never quite caught on with the show's easily confused, seasonally dependent viewership. [THR]
· Ken Davitian has been cast in Fox's Bernie Mac sitcom Starting Under, where audiences will do everything they can to wipe away the image of his flabby, fur-covered ass cheeks squeezing the last gasps of air from Sacha Baron Cohen's heaving lungs. [THR]

· Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien still dominate late night, though overall ratings for post-primetime have been decreasing. [Variety]
· HBO veers away from the stunt-cock sexuorealism of Tell Me You Love Me, ordering 13 episodes of The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, Anthony Minghella's adaptation of the best-selling books by Alexander McCall Smith. Also: they greenlit a comedy pilot called Driving Around With Joni, about a widow who drives "around Los Angeles with her French bulldog, looking for meaning in her life." Finally—something to fill the Sex and the City void! [THR]
· The L Word got picked up for its sixth and final season, providing eight more episodes with which to wrap up the various dangling story lines. (We could have done it in one, but it would have involved a gigantic mothership beaming the cast up and flying them off to galaxy Sappho-18 for untold lesbian space adventures. [THR]

And what sort of enlightened activities are the new LA couple up to these days? Well, for one thing, the pair is fond of staging elaborate spiritual lessons, including photos of the as-yet-unnamed guru teaching Bimbo Summit leader lessons from a book called The Path To The Painted Shaman, and driving around LA drinkin' Starbucks and talkin' inner peace. Though we're reminded of Paris's five-second religious awakening, that period merely included staged photos of Paris clutching the Bible (which she, uh, apparently didn't actually read), this new fella in Paris' life may actually be doing some good. According to the Daily Mail, The Bearded One has already convinced the lingerie-wearing birthday girl to "give away a piece of diamond jewelery as they wandered the streets together." Geez, and all Duke's healer did was run off with all her money. Maybe this five-minute fling may actually do some good?

[Photo Credit: X17]

• THE ODD COUPLE: PARIS HILTON TOURS LA WITH BUDDHIST MONK FRIEND [Daily Mail]

David Chase, the creator of "The Sopranos," returns this week to New Jersey to testify in a federal case brought against him by a former judge who claims he helped create the HBO series and has never been compensated for his work.

Chase is expected to testify about the genesis of the Mafia series and its characters and, in the process, rebut [Robert] Baer's claims that he played a central role in the show's creation (Chase acknowledges spending a few days in 1995 with Baer, a former municipal court judge, discussing mob matters and touring wiseguy hangouts).

The lawsuit, filed in 2002, "limps into a Trenton courthouse," reports The Smoking Gun, with the presiding judge having already dismissed most of Baer's key claims. Still, there's apparently enough there to prevent the case from being dismissed outright, requiring the visionary showrunner to defend his creation—a story he's wanted to tell ever since early childhood, when family acquaintance Ruggiero "Richie the Boot" Boiardo would bounce him on his knee and ask if there was anyone in his kindergarten class who needed a roughing-up—in person.

• "Sopranos" Beginning Controversy Continues [TSG]

· Report: Oscar-hopeful, artsy-fartsy films may have limited commercial appeal. [Variety]
· Cameron Diaz hopes that America's tastes continue to deteriorate to the point that her new holiday special, Shrek the Halls, will take its rightful place alongside the Frosties, Rudolphs and Charlie Browns of the end-of-year TV-special season, becoming a new Christmastime tradition. [THR]
· Ray Winstone's CGI-tightened belly continues to be popular at the foreign box office. [Variety]

· Here's a question: does accepting the Nicholl Screenwriting Fellowship's $30,000 prize technically make the winning scribes scabs? Just wonderin', thanks. [THR]
· Spider-Man 3's strong third-quarter earnings provide a much needed to financial boost to the impoverished movie business. [Variety]

"There WAS a war going on that week, and attempted terror attacks in London," says Chase. "But these people were talking about onion rings." [...]

Chase says the New Jersey mob boss "had been people's alter ego. They had gleefully watched him rob, kill, pillage, lie and cheat. They had cheered him on. And then, all of a sudden, they wanted to see him punished for all that. They wanted 'justice'...

"The pathetic thing _ to me _ was how much they wanted HIS blood, after cheering him on for eight years."

In the days, and even weeks, after the finale aired June 10, "Sopranos" wonks combed that episode for buried clues, concocting wild theories. (Was this some sort of "Last Supper" reimagined with Tony, wife Carmela, son A.J. and daughter Meadow?)

Chase insists that what you saw (and didn't see) is what you get.

"There are no esoteric clues in there. No `Da Vinci Code,'" he declares. [...]

And as for that notorious blackout in the middle of the Journey power ballad, "Don't Stop Believin'"?

"Originally, I didn't want any credits at all," says Chase. "I just wanted the black screen to go the length of the credits _ all the way to the HBO `whoosh' sound. But the Directors Guild wouldn't give us a waiver."

And while this unexpected finish left lots of viewers thinking their cable service was on the fritz, Chase insists it wasn't meant as a prank.

"Why would we want to do that?" he asks. "Why would we entertain people for eight years only to give them the finger?"

Even though Chase may have intended his answers to defuse any lingering accusations of mindfuckery and slow the procession of fans who interrupt his every public meal with impromptu renditions of "Don't Stop Believin'," all the creator has done was provide Finale Deconstructionists with a new text to study. Armed with quickly dog-eared copies of The Sopranos: The Complete Book, they'll soon gather in TV rooms decorated with Gay Vito Death Cues and discarded Satriale's Pork Store bricks, expending considerable intellectual energy on trying to determine whether their desire to see their beloved antihero's brains splattered all over a Holsten's booth by the Man in the Members Only Jacket was, in fact, "pathetic," or merely a rational and healthy need to see the many dramatically satisfying misdeeds in which the audience was too long complicit finally punished.

• `Sopranos' Creator Defends Famous Finale [AP]
• Previously: David Chase Emerges From Hiding To Reassure 'Sopranos' Fans He Wasn't Just Fucking With Them [Defamer]

So Roberts began showing TV clips during therapy sessions. Soon he had narrowed his selections down to one show: television's purest expression of social dysfunction, "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Roberts considers Larry David to be the perfect proxy for a schizophrenic person. "On his way into his dentist's office, he holds the door open for a woman, and, as a result, she's seen first," he said. "He stews, he fumes, he explodes. He's breaking the social rules that folks with schizophrenia often break."

He went on, "Or the one where Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen invite Larry and his wife to a concert: the night arrives, they don't call, Larry assumes they don't like him, then it turns out he got the date wrong. It's a classic example of a major social cognitive error—jumping to conclusions—that schizophrenic patients are prone to." As the patients watched David flub situation after situation, they laughed, and they willingly discussed with Roberts how they might behave in the same circumstances. "That bald man made a mountain out of a molehill!" one woman called out during a session. [...]

Larry David, reached on the telephone in California, said that he hadn't realized how deeply the awkwardness on his show would affect people. "It just deals with how you're supposed to behave," he said. "A lot of the time, it's just me expressing myself freely. I knew that my own mental health was problematic, but should I be worried? I mean, I blow up, too! Is this something undiagnosed? Do I need to see a clinical psychologist?"

We hope that David's realization about the possible source of his inspiration doesn't enter into a therapeutic program that robs him of his creative drive; without the show's possibly schizophrenia-tinged moments of genius, it would just be the story of any other Prius-driving Hollywood asshole who likes to pick fights with his best friend's bitchy wife, obnoxious waiters, and the occasional annoying child, a character we could all meet simply by taking a place in line at any westside Coffee Bean location.

[Photo: HBO.com]

• We Are All Larry David [The New Yorker]

Fain Sutter, a 38-year-old Internet developer who has been married for nine years, has been a faithful viewer of the first four episodes. But his wife, a hedge fund analyst, refuses to watch the show with him.

The couple, both 38 and parents, recently had an explosive argument over the show with friends.

"She finds it too depressing," said Sutter. "But the writing is insightful and hits on so many issues that are relevant. You see similarities in your own life and in the relationships of friends. There are definitely a lot of layers."

"We fight over it," he said. "I tend to like shows that are very introspective and make you look at yourself and your life. But some people are turned off by stuff that's too raw like that."

It's not hard to see why his wife might be put off by his obsession with the show, as the characters closest to their age are the only ones not copulating like weasels dipped in Spanish Fly at every act break, enduring an utterly depressing, yearlong dry spell induced by the libido-dampening drudgery of parenthood. Then again, if Tell Me holds any message for its viewers, it's that even the most explosive of disagreements can be momentarily put aside in favor of some good, old-fashioned, make-sure-you-tell-that-therapist- how-good-I-just-gave-it-to-you screwing.

• HBO Sex Series Sparks Rifts, Heat in Married Couples [ABC News]
• Previously: Pondering The 'Tell Me' Question: How Much Fucking Do We Really Need To See? [Defamer]

· Jon Stewart's Busboy Productions is launching another Daily Show contributor into his own series, producing 6 to 10 episodes of the sketch/variety show Important Things with Demetri Martin for Comedy Central. [THR]
· HBO gets the rights to a just-published book on the infamous Duke lacrosse rape case, material that should produce the feel-good made-for-TV movie of the year. [Variety]

Even so, a lot of people in the industry don't buy the idea that some films require actors to engage in the real thing. Scott Winant, a director of the Showtime series "Californication," which also uses sex as a narrative device, said that what makes the scene is the emotions conveyed in the acting, not the act. Real sex, he said, "doesn't necessarily communicate the emotion of the sexual moment. It's more effective to work with great actors who can identify with a sexual moment through the acting."

We're sure that Winant wasn't referring specifically to the Tell Me cast, who altogether seem more than capable of identifying with a sexual moment even with a director interrupting them with notes like, "Hey, Adam, would you mind shifting to the right just a touch? We're really going to lose our sense of the emotional truth of you desperately trying to knock up Sonia if that shadow obscures your balls. Thanks, buddy, now back to the boning, you're really in a groove there"; he was merely demonstrating pride in the performances on his own show, where seasoned vets like Evan Handler prove each week that they don't need to actually show their areolas being yanked off during a nipple-clamp mishap to have the scene resonate with a realism-craving audience.

• It Isn't a Real Sex Scene? I Still Need a Cigarette [NY TImes]
• Previously: Sexagenarians Finally Get To Shut Up And Screw On 'Tell Me You Love Me' [Defamer]

Accordingly, we'd recommend that the Save John alliance redirect its ad-sales budget into the purchase of thousands of dildos for immediate shipment to HBO's headquarters, sending a message that the network's fucking-obsessed programmers made a grave mistake when they decided to make Tell Me You Love Me the focus of their post-Sopranos schedule instead of their beloved Cincinnatian.

[Ad via THR Digital Edition]

• Center for Save John From Cincinnati Campaigns [Savejfc.net]
• Previously: HBO Gives Up On 'John From Cincinnatti' After Just One Inscrutable Season [Defamer]

While we briefly thought that last night's scene in which frequently de-pantsed, possibly infertile star Sonya Walger attempts to dirty-talk frustrated partner Adam Scott through the arduous process of harvesting a sperm sample from the stunt-cock that made such a memorable debut in the series premiere might represent the episode's erotic high-point, we knew that the producers were holding back for a bigger finish. And they delivered: all of our voyeuristic buttons were pushed as we heard vaguely Mirrenesque therapist Dr. Foster sternly demand, "Fuck me!" of the husband with whom she had been recently bickering, then go on to prove in the ensuing moments of tangled sexagenarian limbs and thrusting buttocks you could bounce an AARP card off of that the show will open-mindedly afford its white-haired folks the same opportunities to explicitly screw away their interpersonal problems as it does its younger, more self-absorbed twenty-and thirtysomethings.

• Previously: The Ladies Of 'The View' Discuss HBO's Porntastic New Relationship Drama [Defamer]

As you can clearly see from this arresting image of an unsmiling Captain Large placing one arm around Carrie "The City" Bushnell [Ed.note—See if you can find an intern who's actually seen the show to check those names.] while using his other hand to surreptitiously text-message the younger, less-demanding woman he's nailing because of crippling commitment issues, the most compelling elements of the original series will translate seamlessly to the big-screen.

[Photo: New Line]

• Previously: Inevitable 'Sex and the City: The Movie' Finally Becoming A Reality [Defamer]

Apparently, the explicit sexual content simultaneously repels and titillates the ladies of The View, who spent some time on this morning's program trying to delicately explain to their audience just how "very clear" and "like a porno" the series' presentation of its sexual content is, and in the process exposed at least one rookie co-host's ignorance of exotic positions like "doing it in the passenger seat of a car so that we can momentarily ignore our differing viewpoints on monogamy."

And while we're on the subject, we'll open the floor to a reader's question about the premiere episode's, um, climactic -handjob scene:

honestly, in the jerk-off sequence on sunday's show, i thought it was a fake cock. has this been discussed at all?

We haven't yet performed the Googling necessary to provide any kind of definitive answer, but our suspicion is that a trick phallus capable of ejaculating stunt-semen at the command of an off-camera fuck-propmaster was used to spare the actor from the penis-punishing exertion of multiple takes, but we encourage our commenters to offer their better-informed theories on the scene's execution.

• The View [ABC.com]
• Previously: Report: HBO's Long-Missing Fucking Found On New Series 'Tell Me You Love Me' [Defamer]

What happened to Ari? What's his secret pain? Piven: That's something I keep pitching to our writers. I came onto this show late in the game as a hired gun. So I would love to be more a part of ... Oh, I'm saying all the wrong things now.

Keep going, Jeremy. [Laughter] Piven: I don't care about titles or whatever, how you're billed on the back of your chair, any of that stuff. I just like to be in the mix, you know? So you asked: what is Ari's secret pain? I think this show can keep exploring these characters. Like, for instance, what is Passover like at Ari's house? Why does he desperately need to prove himself? It's kind of tragic. I mean, when people meet me, they're usually surprised that I'm so calm. They're disappointed that I don't bark at them.

We're sure it will come as a relief to his Entourage bosses that Piven isn't making a public appeal for a producer title, just taking the opportunity to humbly let the show's writers know that as an artist, he could make Ari's threats to "stab my sword-swallowing assistant to death with his own dismembered cock" if he fails to promptly roll an important call seem more validly motivated if the audience gets to see the volatile agent bickering with his family over their Passover plans in the preceding scene.

• The Emmy Entourage [Newsweek]