'G.I. Joe' Movie Gets Three Teaser Posters, Porny New Subtitle

As we bide our time waiting for the inevitable $200 million feature adaptation of Captain N: The Game Master (Zac Efron, call your agent), Paramount has unveiled new details on its latest strip-mining of 80's nostalgia: G.I. Joe. Directed by failing-upward Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing), Joe is all set for a summer 2009 release, but that doesn't mean it's too soon to reveal three new teaser posters and a new, utterly superfluous subtitle: G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra. Sadly, none of the teaser posters show off the film's most curious bit of casting — Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander — though the film's new subtitle seems to hint that Cobra won't be donning his live-action costume until everyone's bullshit detectors receive a proper workout.

Posters (and reactions) after the jump!

Halloween Carnaval In Under Two Minutes

We trust by now you've fully recovered from your Wednesday night Halloween activities—or, in certain cases, have yet to come down from what has quickly evolved into a three-day bender, your keys, wallet, and memory long gone and the last remaining threads of your Zombie Britney costume the only things covering your essential regions as you pound the hard streets in search of another hit of stale candy corn. Whatever the case, we think you'll thoroughly enjoy this music video of the WeHo Carnaval, compiled by crack Defamer videologist Molly McAleer.

Every now and again, new cultural correspondent (his title for at least the duration of this item) Ryan will be dropping by to toss some posts into our blog-mix. Today, he shares the photo-assisted recollections of a Halloween evening in which he learned why you never challenge a guy in an ape costume to a Wild Turkey-drinking contest.

Last night's All Hallows Eve affair at Mr. T's Bowl (Highland Park) found apes commingling with world-famous born-again Christian stuntmen, mysterious tight-clad cartoon racers, cross-dressing David Crosby-alikes and Red-Shirted® She-Hulks sporting this season's ubiquitous Amy Winehousian hairpile, the live soundtrack to which was enhanced by a burlesque troupe from beyond the grave. Join us now as we take a very brief, pointed look behind our shoulder at a few key characters encountered during the night responsible for this morning's headache . . .

Andy Dick's 'Bee Movie' Features Fine Colombian Pollen And Strap-On Stingers

We're going to have to give the cast of Jimmy Kimmel Live this year's Best Talk Show Costume trophy, with Jimmy, the band, and the security team decked out as every significant cereal mascot of the past 100 years (video here).

Last-Last-Minute, Slut-Related Costume Ideas

Adrian Grenier's Mystery Package Confounds Celebrity Shlong Scrutinizers

Regardless of what your Halloween plans might entail, chances are pretty good that you'll eventually come face to face with the compressed, Lycra-silhouetted junk of at least one dude dressed as a superhero. Pretty on the Outside decided to grade some of the shrink-wrapped celebrity shlong on display this haunting season, giving head-of-the-class marks to Brody "The Hills" Jenner's shapely, right-bending manhood.

A Gender-Bending Flapper Halloween On 'The View'

In all the strike deadline hysteria, we've barely had a moment to acknowledge that today is an (egregiously not nationally recognized) holiday. It's Halloween, everyone—the spookiest, scariest celebration of the year! And on The View, that usually means stuffing Barbara Walters into some sort of sex-kitten outfit. This year's theme—which we think was Ill-Fitting Cotton Club Costume Rentals?—gave Walters an excuse to talk about her club impresario father Lou Walters, a touching, grandmotherly reminiscence about a simpler time, when you could get a steak, a sidecar, and an unobstructed view of a showgirl's rack all for a nickel.

• The View

The Writers' Strike, Coming To A Halloween Costume Party Near You

For those uninspired by our previous Halloween costume suggestions (honestly, we didn't really expect you to go around terrifying children in a Teri Hatcher mask), a thread developing on MetaFilter since yesterday could provide you with a more abstract, but no less timely, alternative that will make you the envy of every terrified, sporadically scribe writer at your local Halloween party:

I'm thinking of being the 2007 Writer's Strike for Halloween (because, you know, November 1st will be pretty scary for us WGA members living paycheck to paycheck.) Now— how to make this snarky, intangible and in-joke-ridden costume idea a reality?

Versatile Mask Lets You Go As Michael Jackson One Year, Teri Hatcher The Next

Thanks to Defamer commenter el smrtmnky for pointing out that the Michael Jackson Halloween mask we linked to this morning bears an uncanny resemblance to Teri Hatcher. It's a fortunate bit of happenstance for the manufacturer, who can now double their profits by re-releasing the item as part of their Stars of Desperate Housewives Do Their Own Makeup collection, which could also include the slightly pricier Nicollette Sheridan/Gollum model.

• frightcatalog.com

Considering your Leatherface costume ceased to be scary about eleven Halloweens ago, isn't it time to upgrade to something a little more terrifying? This Michael Jackson mask, unearthed by our friends at Boing Boing, should do the trick, inducing convincing screams from the neighborhood kids as the Kid Nation Koresh grabs his crotch in the doorway and shrieks, "HEEE-hee!," then proceeds to use the same palm to dole out handfuls of bulk Reese's Pieces. A word to the wise, however: inviting just the boy trick-or-treaters inside for an apple-bobbing contest, while true to character, might end up getting you arrested.

• Wacko Jacko Ultimate Halloween Mask [thegreenhero.com via BoingBoing]

The End Of A Record-Shattering, Sequeltastic Summer

By now it should be sinking in as you sit down at your computer on this post-Labor Day Tuesday morning: Summer is over, burned off in this weekend's triple-digit heat. Make peace with the unofficial beginning of Fall by reviewing the long weekend's box office numbers (we'll list the four-day grosses because we don't want to cheat any studios out of a few million extra holiday dollars):

1. Halloween - $31.012 million
Apparently, sitting through 109 air-conditioned minutes of Rob Zombie's utterly unnecessary reimagining of the 1978 John Carpenter masked-slasher classic was preferable to expiring from heat stroke, as audiences flocked to their local multiplexes to watch a resurrected Michael Myers return home to eviscerate his suburban neighbors.

Kevin Federline To Rap In General Direction Of Half A Million Disinterested Halloween Revelers

Officials Still Combing Local Resident's Halloween Decorations For Missing Black Box

Bill Maher Wins 'Too Soon' Award In Local Costume Contest

Spooks, Spells, And Spandex: A 'Hollyween' Round-Up

Letter From The Editor: Defamer Returns From Working Vacation