Defamer: Gossip

Page Six Running Out Of Ways To Insinuate That Al Reynolds Is Gay

Seth — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 11:21:36 PDT

Star Jones may be on a crusade to sniff out the rat who dared suggested there may be some sizable cracks forming in her marriage to stallion-legged husband Al Reynolds, but it will take more than threats of legal action to throw the tenacious gossip hounds of Page Six off Reynolds' suspiciously floral scent. Watch how, through the use of some carefully selected facts and turns of phrase, a simple item about someone accidentally ringing the neighbor's door at 4 a.m. manages to trumpet "Al's a Gay!" without ever saying the actual words (lightly encoded gay innuendo in boldface):

"He was a really big black guy in a bucket hat," said the mole, who glimpsed Reynolds' gentleman caller on his TV monitor via the building's closed-circuit cameras. [...]
Reynolds' neighbor says that, during daylight hours, Jones' mustachioed hubby is a regular sight around the building - albeit in very informal dress. [...]

"I know Al. I see him in the elevator all the time - in Spandex," the neighbor said, adding that Jones and Reynolds appear to be together "only when they go to parties..." [...]

Last year, he was denied entrance at one Hamptons nightclub after showing up with a gaggle of guys.

Individually, the clues are innocuous enough. But put them together, and you begin to get a shockingly vivid, rainbow-colored portrait of a man leading a double life—particularly when you figure in the the quote from 78-year-old Sylvia Jacobson in apartment 7D, who complained about how she's "always finding a copy of Black Inches addressed to 'Big Al Industries' mistakenly dropped in my mailbox."

JONES' HUBBY GETS 4 A.M. BUZZ [NY Post]

Fat Women With 'View' Ambitions Now High on 'Do Not Fly' List

Seth — Tue, 25 Jul 2006 13:20:04 PDT

It would pretty much take Mo'nique being dragged off a plane amidst concern she's some kind of terrorist threat for us to take notice of the plus-sized Pepsi pitchwoman, which is precisely what happened as she boarded a United flight headed to her guest hosting gig on The View. From ET Online:

[Mo'nique] had reportedly boarded a flight to New York in first class when, she alleges, flight attendants threw her off the plane without giving her a reason why, referring to her as a "threat."
Mo'nique tells "ET" exclusively, "It was incredibly humiliating and embarrassing for me. Police were everywhere."

The actress was attempting to fly to New York in order to guest host "The View." She did make that engagement, sitting down with the ladies Monday morning.

Her View stint didn't fair much better: Mo' was subjected to multiple indignities at the hands of the Star Jones-snuffing Barbara Walters, who forced her to display her unshaven legs, referred to her nine-month-old twins as "creatures," then capped it all off by announcing, "Just remember...You come and go, we stay!" We can only hope the comedienne didn't leave the appearance feeling so traumatized and utterly inadequate, she was immediately compelled to book a gastric bypass and start hunting for a gay husband.

Mo'Nique Asked to Leave United Airlines Flight [ET Online]
The View, Monique, Leg Hair, Armpit Hair and Creatures [iFilm via BestWeekEver.tv]

Ancient Gossip Artifact Puts Kim Basinger And Jodie Foster At 'More Than Friends'

Seth — Mon, 24 Jul 2006 12:46:01 PDT

A recent eBay auction reminds us that it wasn't so long ago that there were no internets with which to conveniently disseminate unsubstantiated rumor and heresay. In this 1989 fax fished out of a dumpster outside David Hockney's Santa Monica studio, a "DIRT ALERT" reports that:

JOHN WATERS TOLD ME LAST NIGHT
HE WENT OUT LAST SUNDAY WITH JODIE
FOSTER & HER "DATE" KIM BASSINGER TO
DYKE NIGHT A[T] PALLETTE, AND THEY WERE/ARE
DEFINATALLY "TOGETHER". Poor KELLY McGILLIS IS HEARTBROKEN!

While there's certainly no way to test the veracity of such a scandalous statement, it is interesting to note that 1989 was the year Basinger left the man she had been married to since 1980, makeup artist Ron Snyder-Britton. (She'd marry Alec Baldwin 4 years later.) It seems to us that if she were going to tip her toe into Sapphic waters, the perfect time to have done so would have been moments after breaking free from nine years of unsatisfying, heterosexual matrimony. It further follows that Foster, who was still riding a man-hating career high from her Oscar-winning performance in The Accused, would provide a sensible choice of A-list, female companionship.

David Hockney Rec'd Fax John Waters Jodie Foster Gay [eBay via CityRag]

Ralph Fiennes' Name To Be Mispronounced In Separation Hearing

Seth — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 15:18:11 PST

It can't be mere coincidence that celebrity break-up reports start piling up in the weeks approaching Valentine's Day. One need only catch a passing glimpse of a calendar violated with a red Sharpie-scrawled heart around the 14th, and the words "Dinner with my sweetie!" taunting menacingly from inside, to convince oneself that the grinning, insufferable creature who has been surfing one's coattails for far too long needs to hit the curb. But there's more than merely passion fatigue at play with the epidemic's latest victims—Ralph Fiennes and his partner of 11 years, Francesca Annis there's also the home-wrecking Romanian chanteuse factor, and the question of just who dumped whom:

The announcement came after the Mail on Sunday newspaper reported that Fiennes had had an affair with a Romanian singer.

"Ms. Annis confirms today that she and Ralph Fiennes are to separate," said a statement issued Tuesday by her law firm, Schillings.

Fiennes, 43, and Annis, 61, met while starring in a 1995 stage production of "Hamlet," in which Fiennes played the title role and Annis played his mother. Fiennes was married to actress Alex Kingston at the time, while Annis had three children with photographer Patrick Wiseman.

Schillings said Annis had begun legal action against The Daily Mail newspaper for defamation and invasion of privacy over a story claiming she had forgiven Fiennes for his affair.

We'll assume Annis is pretty pissed, seeing as on top of leaving Fiennes, she also managed to sue a newspaper that had the gall to report she had forgiven the philandering cad. A more conciliatory, not to mention less litigious, route could have seen Fiennes moving to the guest house, and a correction called into the paper along the lines of, "...would like everyone to know the Constant Gardener star is still sleeping on the couch and showering her nightly with expensive diamond jewelry, which she accepts, though she has no plans on taking him back."

Ralph Fiennes Splits With Longtime Love [AP]

The Ballad Of The Green Beret And Clay

Seth — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 09:34:00 PST

A former green beret has told the National Enquirer that "Measure of a Man" singer Clay Aiken read his man measurements on a gay internet personal ad and arranged a steamy, man-on-effeminate-AM radio-friendly-songstylist encounter:

Alleged Aiken love toy John Paulus has been deluged with death threats from the singer's fervent fans ever since his name was leaked onto the Internet as the man who was blabbing to the National Enquirer that he had sex with their beloved "Idol," who's repeatedly denied being gay. The story is in the Enquirer issue out today nationwide. [...]

Paulus, 38, passed a polygraph test administered by the Enquirer in an attempt to corroborate his bombshell claim that he had sex with Aiken at a Quality Inn in Garner, N.C., on Jan. 2. In the new Enquirer, Paulus claims he and Aiken had 90 minutes of man-on-man passion at the hotel, which is near Aiken's hometown of Raleigh, N.C.

The muscle-bound ex-soldier says Aiken contacted him after seeing his picture on the Internet : "I have several personal ads on gay men Web sites," he told the Enquirer. "Clay later told me he saw my pictures on a couple and decided to e-mail me. On Dec. 16, using the screen name of 'valleyprettyboy,' Clay sent me his first message.

Hours after the accusations went public, cluster cells of Claymates met clandestinely in basements across the country to plot their fanatical revenge, with everything from suicide bombing the Enquirer offices to a "Straight Aiken" awareness-raising bake sale discussed as possible countermeasure. Meanwhile, Aiken's rep has offered no statement on the matter, telling reporters, "I won't dignify these ridiculous claims against Valleyprettybo-, uh, I mean Mr. Aiken, with a response."

'IDOL' AIKEN IN GAY SEX CLAIM [Page Six]
Previously: Clay Aiken Now Literally Wearing Halo [Defamer]

Warner Bros. Keeps Quiet On Contents Of Larry Wachowski's Pants

Seth — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 12:36:28 PST

Larry Wachowski, the half of the Matrix trilogy writer-director sibling team who is widely rumored to have had a sex change, and is currently shacking up with a dominatrix by the name of Ilsa Stix, clearly isn't screwing around when it comes to his "alternative lifestyle" existence. But with their upcoming movie, V for Vendetta, soon to unleash a shorn Natalie Portman onto the world, the spotlight-shirking filmmaker will inevitably have to contend with the fact that his life is about to become an open, though deeply confusing, book:

[E]xecs at Warner Bros. a very hot studio right now are concerned that this time out, Larry Wachowski's personal life is going to get big-time exposure. [...]

First up may be Rolling Stone, which is said to be planning a big investigation into this unusual couple. West Coast investigator Paul Barresi and a famed torture-meister named Tom Moore are said to have led Jann Wenner's rockin' journos into the belly of the beast.

In a town like Hollywood, where the men are men and the dames are dames (at least the last time we checked, which was 1943), many simply just don't know what to make of the Wachowski hybrid vehicle, much less the ruby-lipped disciplinarian on his arm. But for Warner Bros. to see this free publicity as anything other than a positive thing seems rather old-fangled thinking, especially in the year of the LGBT Oscars. On the contrary, you would think they would use the hot topic of sexual confusion to their PR advantage, setting the Vendetta trailer up with a bassy announcer intoning, "From the formerly-penised mind who brought you the Matrix..."

Wachowski Brother's Personal Life May Be Exposed [Fox 411]
Previously: Larry Wachowski: More Bound Than Matrix [Defamer]

Mr. Blackwell's List Takes A Turn For The Senile

Seth — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 16:07:32 PST

Yes, Mr. Blackwell and his "Worst Dressed" list have become the somewhat derided butt of many a joke for all of us living in our savvy, internetsy culture. But let us give the fellow his due! His annual what-once-passed-for-catty proclamations of the stunningly obvious, now in their 46th year ("Claudette Colbert? More like Clueless Colbert!"), have trailblazed a path for the Steven Cojocarus of the world, and for this, well, we acknowledge and quickly move on. But enough preamble: To the winners' circle! Number one with a zingy bullet was "over the hill Lolita" Britney Spears, followed by Mary-Kate Olsen ("Bag lady rags?!" As if!), and recent divorcee Jessica Simpson, whom, he writes, "resembles a cut-rate Rapunzel slingin' hash in a Vegas diner." This last description at first left us confused, then somewhat depressed when we realized that Mr. Blackwell is suffering from advanced geriatric dimentia. By the time we had made it to his description of Renee Zellweger looking like "a painted pumpkin on a pogo stick," much of the pleasure had been drained out of the entire proceeding. Yes, we love an occasional slice of sassy, but not when it's served between two pieces of crazy, rambling, old-people bread.

Britney Spears Tops 'Worst Dressed' List [AP]
Previously: Mr. Blackwell Serves Up Worst Dressed List [Defamer]

The Mystery Of Michael Bay

Mark — Fri, 15 Jul 2005 11:05:05 PDT

Today's LAT examines the Job-like trials that fauxteur fashion plate Michael Bay had to endure (budget problems! an abbreviated shooting schedule! torrential downpours sent by a God who's obviously not a fan of his work!) to finally ready The Island for release. In the course of recounting the various obstacles he surmounted during production, Bay once again touts the film's philosophical and ethical underpinnings ("I wanted people to leave the theater saying, 'If I could own a clone, would I?'" a query previously discussed at length here), perhaps to demonstrate that his struggles were for a higher purpose than the frequent detonation of futuristic-looking shit. However, the Times saves Bay's most troubling existential mind-fuck for the final paragraph:

"You know," he says somewhat reflectively, "I've never had a flop."

Please, we beg of you, don't even attempt to puzzle through the enigma of Bay's track record, lest you go insane, impulsively book a trip to Dharamsala, and try to throttle the Dalai Lama in a fruitless search for answers. Some mysteries are better left unexamined, grasshopper.

You call this paradise? [LAT]
Michael Bay Goes Deep In ‘The Island’ [Defamer]

Michael Jackson, King of Popsicle

Mark — Fri, 15 Jul 2005 10:31:47 PDT

When Michael Jackson was felled by a "severe flu" in the middle of his child molestation trial, we speculated that he was preparing for the worst by buying time to "fake his death, gather the seeds of a new, utopian Neverland society from the talent roster at Nickolodeon, and escape to the secret colony he’s prepared on the dark side of the moon." As it turns out, Jackson may have had a far more rational plan for self-preservation in the event of a conviction:

Just like baseball Hall of Famer Ted Williams, Jackson discussed having his remains cryogenically preserved so that he might be brought back to life, according to author Michael Luckman. "Michael has gone to extreme lengths to achieve immortality," says Luckman, who met the singer last year and remains tight with several Jacko associates. Besides taking GH3, the Romanian-developed drug that purportedly makes you live longer, Jackson invested millions in DNA research in the hope of engineering perfect offspring, Luckman tells us.
The self-sculpting Jackson is also said to have deposited his own genetic matter in three sperm banks around the world.

Even with the finest cryogenic scientists money could buy, Jackson knew that the thawing process is a touchy business, and he took no chances with the survival of his line. To prepare for the unlikely event that all three sperm banks failed to ensure the motility of his seed, the erstwhile pop star has spent years quietly smuggling his genetic material out of Neverland in a host of cancer patients, child actors, and German Boy scout troops, ensuring that in one form or another, the King of Pop will live forever.

Jail would've had Jacko frozen in fear [NY Daily News]

"Bone Booth": Colin Farrell Sex Tape Described

Mark — Fri, 15 Jul 2005 09:16:24 PDT

A mysterious man called Page Six for advice on how to sell the "authentic, 14-minute" Colin Farrell/Nicole Narain (and just like that, the former Playmate is famous—look how easy it is!) sex tape and described the hot, amateur action to the Sixies. The column then dutifully passes on the movie trailer version:

J.J. described the steamy tape in graphic detail, starting with a naked Nicole in her living room turning on some music, and ending with Farrell pointing the camera at her white cat in the corner of the room and saying, "Baby, you have the most beautiful [kitty]."

In between, Narain, who was Miss January in 2002, displays her pierced tongue as she looks up at the camera and winks. And Farrell, who had a shaved head for his role in "Daredevil," reciprocates, saying, "I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Narain, who has a tattoo on her backside, also goes through a couple of sexual positions described in the Kama Sutra, starting with "the missionary."

We apologize for dismissing Bone Booth (our freely offered name for Farrell's tape) as an "amateur" effort. The cringe-worthy dialogue, uninspired handheld camera work, and litany of mildly gymnastic positions sounds like it could be every bit as professional as straight-from-the-Valley product.

FARRELL SEX TAPE ON THE BLOCK [NY Post]
Rumor Of The Day: Colin Farrell Sex Tape? [Defamer]

The Cameron Diaz Sexy Photos Trial: Take Your Shirt Off

Mark — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 17:05:00 PDT

Despite the effort the Defamer Special Correspondent on Celebrity Jurisprudence expended pressing his ear to the courtroom door, he was unable to come away with any advance snippets of Diaz's testimony. Instead, like the rest of our Hollywood-obsessed nation, we had to wait for a report to hit the wire services. The AP capably sets the scene:

Diaz, wearing a brown top, gray pants and black high heels, was on the stand for about an hour, giggling about her early modeling career and describing the May 1992 photo shoot in an abandoned warehouse.
She said she was worried her boyfriend wouldn't like her posing topless, but "I felt that it was a safe environment. It was a professional shoot. It wasn't like in a back alley, `take your shirt off.'"

No, this was professional, semi-erotic photography, not the shady, producer-with-a-Polaroid-camera kind of back-alley "modeling session" that yields breakout roles in The Mask.

Cameron Diaz Testifies in Photo Case [AP]
See also: Defamer At The Cameron Diaz Sexy Photos Trial [Defamer]

The Blind Item Guessing Game: The Young And The Hairless: Your Answers

Mark — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 14:55:58 PDT

Let's reveal your guesses for this week's Blind Item Guessing Game before we lose any more of today to such idle, wildly speculative pursuits. Take one more peek at One Nearly Hairless Blind Vice:

Ted sez: "Oh, not really, I guess, as I've heard this same-sex scuttlebutt about Stanley Manly for years. Just never believed. Until now. But, per usual, I'm getting ahead of myself. Historically, Stan is one of Hollywood's premier cocksmen, digits down. Right and left, S.M. always seems to be out and about, givin' the ol' boudoir eyes to his myriad booby-dolls. He's photographed at H-town's hipper enclaves, always with at least one or two (female) pretties by his svelte side. " Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are after the jump.

You say:: Turning up a nose at perhaps the last old-school movie star that Hollywood has to offer, you fingered George Clooney as Ted's Stanley Manly. The Cloonster? The man once locked in the trunk of a car with a not-yet insufferable Jennifer Lopez to great erotic effect? OK, that was a movie, but wasn't he also the cocksmith once allegedly photographed getting serviced in Italy by on-again, off-again girlfriend Lisa Snowden? Jeez, a guy makes a couple of black-and-white movies and you're ready to imagine him cavorting with well-shorn 18-year-olds. His handlers had better warn him about having such easy on-screen chemistry with a walking six-pack like Brad Pitt before he does another studio movie, lest the public turn on him.

You also say: Clooney garnered the most guesses, but here is part of the pretty large field of also-rans: Hugh Hefner, Robert Evans, Vince Vaughn, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Mark Wahlberg, Colin Farrell, Burt Reynolds, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jack Nicholson, Drew Carey, Benicio Del Toro, Johnny Depp, and yes, Andy Dick. Once again it seems that just about every actor is a little bit gay.

And The Andy Dick Memorial "You Also Say" Item Goes To: "Scott Baio." Sweet.

Thanks to everyone for playing!

The Awful Truth One Nearly Hairless Blind Vice [E! Online]
The Blind Item Guessing Game: The Young And The Hairless [Defamer]

Defamer At The Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial

Mark — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 13:44:43 PDT

Defamer's Special Correspondent on Celebrity Jurisprudence has finally arrived on the scene at the Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial, joining a legion of other bored reporters sitting outside of the downtown LA courtroom and waiting for Diaz to emerge following her testimony. One photographer who spoke to our man-on-the-scene placed the odds of actually seeing Diaz at "slim to none," as she entered through some sort of private entrance. The SCoCP did manage to get scolded by someone who demanded that he delete pictures he'd snapped of courtroom sketches depicting Diaz on the witness stand "gesticulating with her left hand, palm facing upwards." The Special Correspondent's afternoon's highlight so far is a close call with an angry bird who buzzed by his head "four or five times" in an attempt to "peck [his] skull" as he walked through the parking lot on the way to the courthouse. Surely, this is some sort of harbinger of the swift justice awaiting the photographer who may or may not have tried to sell pictures of Diaz's uncovered breasts using a forged model release.

We promise to pass along more exciting developments as they occur. In the meantime, enjoy these blurry phonecam pictures of the courtroom's public entrance—a set of doors from which the star will almost certainly not emerge—and of the aforementioned bored reporters cooling their heels (that one's after the jump). It's just like being there, if you left your prescription eyewear at home!

The Cameron Diaz ‘Sexy’ Photos Trial: A Price Above Boobies [Defamer]

Vince Vaughn Rides The Butterscotch Stallion

Mark — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 12:56:12 PDT

Even with The Wedding Crashers opening tomorrow, Thursday has been somewhat lighter on Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson news than the promotional orgy of yesterday's wall-to-wall Stallion gangbang. Luckily, a reader with basic cable and the constitutional fortitude to withstand MTV's TRL teeny-bopper onslaught is able to momentarily patch the gap in our coverage, recounting Crashers co-star Vince Vaughn's (perhaps unwitting) nod to Wilson's equestrian legacy:

On TRL's "Wedding Crashers" edition today: When Vince Vaughn was asked about being a wingman for Owen: "Being a wingman for Owen is like being a jockey, you just have to hold on for the ride."

Vaughn's public appreciation for his buddy's prowess would be quite touching—if our brain hadn't been rudely flooded by images of Vaughn wearing a helmet and jodhpurs, striking Wilson's hindquarters with a riding crop as they "near the homestretch."

[Original photo: Baltimore Sun]

Rolling Stone: The Stallion Comes First [Defamer]

Cuba Gooding: Club-Haunting, Stomach-Biting Leg-Humper?

Mark — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 12:21:35 PDT

We really need to get out more, because if we'd somehow made it to Chi the other night, we might have learned some smooth moves from Cuba "Chill Factor" Gooding Jr. Reports LA.com's blog:

Does Cuba Gooding Jr. need to get his jaws wired shut? A club-hopping reader tells us that the married actor bit her shoulder at Brent Bolthouse's party at Chi on Monday night. When she swung around to say "excuse me," Cuba allegedly lifted her shirt and bit her stomach. She and her group of girls yelled at him to stop, but, she claims, he began humping her leg and her backside. She tried to walk away, but he wouldn't let go until she fought fire with fire. She bit him back and yelled "I think it’s really pathetic that I just had to bite a grown man."

OK, we realize that no discussion of Gooding can end without the invoking of his Oscar-winning catchphrase: Show me the creepy, drunken stomach-chewing followed by physical contact that might constitute sexual battery if initiated by a non-famous person away from a Hollywood club! There, we feel better now.

Reality Bites [LA.com]

The Blind Item Guessing Game: The Young And The Hairless

Mark — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 11:59:21 PDT

Wherein we invite our readers to snorkel in the murky, gossip-infested waters of humpy E! gossip Cousteau Ted Casablanca and guess the identity of his weekly blind item. After a week recharging his linguistic powers at the supposed site of the Tower of Babel (the region has a pretty hot club scene, we hear), Ted delivers the goods, chronicling the activities of a womanizing actor who secretly prefers his private ladies to be barely-legal dudes. Float placidly in One Nearly Hairless Blind Vice:

You say: Send your guesses to defamer[AT]gmail.com and put "blind" in the subject line. We'll post your responses later today.

The Awful Truth One Nearly Hairless Blind Vice [E! Online]
The Blind Item Guessing Game: Pole Plane: Your Answers [Defamer]

The Cameron Diaz 'Sexy' Photos Trial: A Price Above Boobies

Mark — Thu, 14 Jul 2005 10:45:00 PDT

The Cameron Diaz "Sexy" Photos Trial, in which prosecutors allege that photographer John Rutter tried to shop topless photos and a video of a 19-year-old Diaz using a release with forged signatures, began yesterday in star-starved fashion, but at least the world now knows the amount considered a "discount" for pics of Diaz's bare, pre-fame torso:

In his opening arguments, Deputy Dist. Atty. David Walgren said Rutter approached Diaz in June 2003, offering to sell her pictures from the photo shoot — some of which featured the actress topless — for $3.3 million, purportedly at a discount from what he said a photo syndicate had offered him for the shots.

Many expect that Cameron Diaz will take the stand today (we're working on getting a correspondent down to the scene) and tearily explain how she never gave her permission for the photographer to sell the images. Longtime Defamer readers (Hi to both of you! Call us!) may recall that video of the infamous shoot was leaked onto the internet last summer and featured Diaz demonstrating the nipple-hardening properties of a can of freon. We're hoping that can of icy, compressed air will figure prominently in the trial.

Photos Develop Into Court Case [LAT]

Breaking! Brad Pitt Leaves Hospital, Returns To Local Love Den!

Mark — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 19:42:26 PDT

Attention Brad Pitt fans: You can stop sending your get-well cards, stuffed animals, and lacy underthings to Cedars Sinai (see, we told you so), as Pitt has already left the hospital and returned home. Our hysterical diagnosis of the dreaded African Mystery Flu, perhaps obtained by eating some bad hummus procured from an Ethiopian street vendor, proved incorrect. According to Pitt publicist Cindy Guagenti (initial flack diagnosis: "I think he has the flu"), the actor has been temporarily felled by viral meningitis, the mild-mannered cousin of the sometimes deadly bacterial meningitis. We'd love to accept this explanation at face value and move on, but experience tells us that publicist-endorsed statements about hospital stays nearly always mask some other unpleasant reality. Therefore, we're forced to conclude that Pitt has actually contracted some extremely rare social disease previously identified only in seventeenth century French kings, and has returned home to live out the rest of days wracked with madness. The lush robes and powdered wigs, however, should lend an air of the exotic to his and Angelina Jolie's lovemaking, which lately had failed to reach the villager-terrifying heights of their infamous sexual safari.

Actor Brad Pitt released from L.A. hospital [Reuters]
Breaking! Brad Pitt Felled By African Mystery Flu! [Defamer]

By Request: Mariah Carey's German Nip-Slip Delight

Mark — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 16:27:02 PDT

OK, who else is, like, totally bummed out about this heavy 9/11 talk? Yeah, we are too! Totally! You know what would be really good right now? Yeah, that's right, a nipple slip featuring famously unhinged pop singer Mariah Carey! We don't usually "do requests," but so many of you heard about Carey's runaway areola and bombarded us asking where you could get a glimpse of her partially obscured woman-parts that our icy heart was melted. Enjoy your meal, sickies.

UPDATE: And just like that, mammary detective sister site Fleshbot rains all over the Carey nipple parade (link may be NSFW). That's what we get for rushing headlong into the booby traps set by internet Web loggers!

Mariah Carey's clothes fall off [Attu Sees All]

The Long-Awaited Butterscotch Stallion Cover

Mark — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 15:15:55 PDT

At the risk of completely handing over this Wednesday to His Galloping, Creamy-Maned Majesty, we did sort of promise you that we'd pass along the cover of UK mag The Big Issue invoking Hollywood's Hottest Nickname. So, there it is, thanks to a very generous reader with a scanner. You can click it and make it even larger, which sounds suspiciously like "another path to the waterfall," if you get our heavy-handed drift. An excerpt from the mag, in which Wilson is once again forced to confront his loving moniker, is featured after the jump.

Despite this major victory for worldwide Stallion adoption, our mission is far from complete. A reader informs us:

I was watching "Attack of the Show" on G4 Tech TV to get a glimpse of mc chris when I heard them talking about the Stallion's new movie "The Wedding Crashers" The hosts, who are pretty dumb and not very enthusiastic, referred to "The Butterscotch Stallion" and his new movie. Only they were actually talking about Vince Vaughn. I guess nobody sent them the memo.

Consider the memo sent. This kind of sloppy, nonsensical nickname-application cannot stand. Does Vince Vaughn look like a Butterscotch Stallion? No, he does not.

And in our last bit of Wilson-related news, the I Can Change This Later, Right? blog thinks it knows where the actor's getting his waterfall metaphors.

Rolling Stone: The Stallion Comes First [Defamer]
The Creation Story: Birth Of A Butterscotch Stallion [Defamer]

Annals Of Unauthorized Celebrity Images: Ben Affleck, Rogue Cop

Mark — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 13:34:14 PDT

A reader was surprised to find Ben Affleck's square-jawed good looks gracing this cheaply made toy's packaging at a Chicago flea market, but shook off the momentary disorientation (no, he's probably not that hard up for cash) and snapped it up for our amusement. (She was further surprised that she couldn't take advantage of the depressed market for the actor's services and haggle the vendor down to fifty cents, and had to pony up a buck for this piece of obviously unauthorized Affleck memorabilia.) Perhaps even more jarring than Affleck's unconvincing portrayal of a toy-endorsing cop in his new medium, Flimsy Cardboard Backing Theater, is that his rogue cop would include a hand grenade in his crimefighting arsenal. We'd always pegged Ben as more of a tazer guy.

We expect Endeavor agent Patrick Whitesell to start working the phones and make sure that he gets Affleck into the feature version of Police Sparkling Gun Playset before the part to goes to someone with a little more heat on his career, like Dax Shepard.

A close-up of Affleck in that dashing police cap follows after the jump.

Related: Elisha Cuthbert On $47 An Hour [Defamer]

Matthew Perry Up In Flames At ESPYs

Mark — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 09:34:36 PDT

The Undersportz blog reported yesterday afternoon that not even a potentially disfiguring "pyro mishap" can stop Matthew Perry from the swift completion of his appointed, sports-entertainment awards show hosting duties—and it was merely a rehearsal!

Unbelievable. Matthew Perry in rehearsals today (espys of course) pulled a Michael Jackson. There was a pyro mishap and he got burned on his forehead, just missing an eye. Despite the incident, he went right back to rehearsing the show. I didn’t get a look at it but I’ll try and see how bad it is. There was no Pepsi involved.

The actual ESPYs show is being taped later today (Defamer traffic alert: Avoid Hollywood Boulevard by the Kodak Theatre at all costs) for broadcast on Sunday, so it'll be a while before we can see how well ESPN's makeup artists can cover up any scorch marks—or if producers decide that a more dramatic version of the pyro malfunction, possibly featuring Perry engulfed in flames while he announces the nominees for Hottest Slam Dunk, will be good for ratings.

Michael J. [Undersportz]

Rolling Stone: The Stallion Comes First

Mark — Wed, 13 Jul 2005 08:49:59 PDT

Apparently reasonably certain that Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson's lawyers have decided not to sue them over what was perhaps the most thinly-veiled blind item of all time, Page Six discusses an upcoming Rolling Stone story in which Wilson shrugs off the public revealing of his signature move (i.e., two hours of "licking the buttocks"):

"It's like, 'Who cares?' " Wilson told Rolling Stone when asked about the item. "I play it as it lays. OK, so I may not be the greatest lover in the world. Well, let's make that angle work. There's lots of different paths to the waterfall. You don't have to be Don Juan. And wasn't it Gloria Steinem who said that women have to be responsible for their own orgasms? Well, I take her at her word. I'll do my best, OK, but at a certain point you've got to, like, you know . . ."

While Wilson's admission that there are "lots of different paths to the waterfall" is surprisingly Zen (we're going to have it printed on a scroll and hang it above our bedroom bonzai garden), women have been warned—if they think can just sit back in the saddle and let The Stallion do all the work, they've—ahem—got another thing coming. But please, be careful. Wilson clearly wants you to take some initiative, but don't risk a spinal injury trying to toss your own salad.

In other Owen Wilson news: A correspondent from Defamer's British entertainment desk informs us that Wilson is also the cover boy of UK mag The Big Issue, in which "Owen Wilson is referred to, in rather large letters, as the 'Butterscotch Stallion.'" Hopefully, a cover scan is forthcoming.

STAR WON'T SCOTCH THIS TALE [NY Post]
Blinding The Butterscotch Stallion [Defamer]

Katie's Creepy 'Vanilla Sky' Cameo

Mark — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 15:19:02 PDT

Tom Cruise might be too busy playing with speedboats in Rome (where he began shooting M:I3) to engage in the kind of utterly charming psychiatry-baiting and sofa-stomping activities that we all miss so dearly, but the blog chatter lives on. During a recent viewing of Cruise's PKE (Pat Kingsley Era) movie Vanilla Sky, The Save Dakota blog (War of the Worlds is over now, so she's probably safe) notices something eerily prescient in a dream sequence:

Okay, so last night I was watching Vanilla Sky, a flick that I luff and that TC's presence hasn't ruined entirely for me. And at the very beginning, TC's character is having a dream. He's first driving, then running through NYC streets, which are quiet and lifeless and empty. Freakout.

And there are many/several very quick, like one-frame cuts. So I puts the DVD on pause and start clicking through the dream frame by frame, wanting to see if there are any clues given away in this incredibly fast-paced edit. And there are a few — a picture of the character's father, a picture of Courtney Love to whom he is supposed to be responding via email, a few covers of the magazine he runs (Rise) ... aaaaaaaand ... the cover of a (fake) magazine that is the flagstone of his deceased father's career, TV Digest.
Guess who's on the cover, posing kinda sexy-like?

Katie "I'm as virginial as Britney Spears was when she was feigning innocence" Holmes.

Cameron Crowe fansite The Uncool also notes this "secret" of Vanilla Sky: "During the subliminal imagery at the 03:50 minute mark (Times Square Sequence), an image of Katie Holmes on a rubber tire is seen. The same picture was used on the cover of Rolling Stone in late '98/early '99. "

Surely, this is all merely a very amusing coincidence. Everyone knows that if Tom Cruise was trying to plan ahead for a very public, future relationship, he would've aimed a little higher (after all, he was closer to the height of his powers) and slipped a picture of Jessica Alba into the movie.

foreshaddowing? [SaveDakota]

Lohan And Altman Finally Bonding

Mark — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 14:47:54 PDT

Yes, that plaid shirt and those cutoff shorts are Lindsay Lohan's, and that liver-spotted hand firmly clasping that supple, 18-year-old thigh belongs to her A Prarie Home Companion director Robert Altman. It seemed like just yesterday that Altman couldn't remember Lohan's name; now the two of them seem so comfortable that he can probably summon her from her trailer by merely pantomiming a leg-stroking motion. Once a director and his actress form that magical bond, words just get in the way.

Lindsay Lohan on the movie set 7/10 [JJB via Stereogum, Perez, and countless others by this point]

Rumor Of The Day: Colin Farrell Sex Tape?

Mark — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 12:34:28 PDT

If you're lunching at your cubicle or desk, please put down the sandwich before reading on, because we don't want to be responsible for any sudden, severe indigestion. We've heard some very loud whispers that someone is not-so-quietly shopping around a video that they claim features everyone's favorite, totally-unconvincing-as-a-young-conqueror, merrily-boozing star Colin Farrell and former Playmate girlfriend Nicole Narain romping in alleged, sexual sex-tape fashion. The sellers are supposedly looking for a seven-figure upfront fee to hand over the tape for release by a distributor.

Even if someone was willing to pony up the money to get a look at the alleged, sexual sex-tape-style action, they couldn't release it without Farrell's permission, which an A-list actor (do we need to double-check IMDb before throwing around that designation?) isn't inclined to give, even if Bone Booth would be an awesome hypothetical title. Besides, his agents at CAA would sooner have him shot and buried in the desert than allow pen to touch release form. Self-releasing a theoretical sex-tape would be such a reality-TV star move, and Farrell has at least a couple of more years before he's ready for Celebrity Who's Your Daddy?

Enjoy what's left of your lunch hour!

Breaking! Brad Pitt Felled By African Mystery Flu!

Mark — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 12:18:25 PDT

How can the AP be so goddamn calm and rational when Brad Pitt rushed himself to an undisclosed local hospital (cough—Cedars Sinai!—cough) with flu-like symptoms? We've already torn out clumps of hair over this maddeningly vague diagnosis by publicist Cindy Guagenti:

"I think he has the flu," the spokeswoman said.

She won't be so calm when the world's finest celebrity-care practitioners extract a ten-foot Ethiopian tape worm from Pitt's intestinal tract, freeing the parasite to make a greedy dash to devour Maddox Jolie whole, and forcing the flack to release a statement that young Maddox had "the sniffles."

We'll track this breaking medical drama as it unfolds.

Brad Pitt Hospitalized in Los Angeles [AP]

Britney Haunts The Chocolate Factory

Mark — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 11:39:41 PDT

Only if crows the size of a Lear jet descended from the sky, plucked out Johnny Depp's eyes, and spirited away a child-actor brunch could there be a darker harbinger of doom hanging over Sunday's Hollywood premiere of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory than Britney Spears' appearance in a themed t-shirt. Box office prognosticators should immediately adjust their opening weekend estimates downwards by $8-10 million.

CA: Premiere Of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory [Getty Images]
VPage: Gobstoppers galore [Variety]

Defending Brett Ratner

Mark — Tue, 12 Jul 2005 10:31:08 PDT

"Excitable" Marvel CEO Avi Arad is apoplectic over the beating his new X3 director, celebrated fauxteur and bon vivant Brett Ratner, is taking on the internets before a single frame of the latest installment of his certain-to-be-ruined franchise (There we go again! Bad internets!) has been viewed. Like a big brother enlisted to stop the unchecked flow of milk money into a bully's pockets, Arad defends the director on Zap2it.com:

"Idiots," he says plainly, before continuing. "Idiots." [...]
"Did you see 'Red Dragon?' Did you see that?" Arad asks, referring to Ratner's reasonably well-reviewed Hannibal Lecter remake. "And you saw 'Family Man,' which is totally different, a very emotional story. Then, you have two giant comedies. What are they thinking? This is a great filmmaker. Do you know how much experience this guy has? Let alone his new Jessica Simpson video? This guy knows what he's doing."

While we're inclined to end with a pithy comment in the "the prosecution rests" family, we'll instead give Arad the last word and a little more rope with which to hang his beloved Ratner: "Brett Ratner came onto this thing and from the get-go, you felt experience. He's made lots of changes in the script that are very good, because he's thinking picture, not words. He's very cinematic."

[Bonus note: Whoever does Zap2it's ad placement has a good sense of humor, as two large ads for Ratner's ex-girlfriend's reality show dominate the page.]

Marvel Chief Urges Patience for Ratner's 'X-Men' [Zap2it.com]
Ratner Brings Mutant Hooker To ‘X3’ Party [Defamer]

Lindsay Lohan On The Loose in Minnesota

Mark — Mon, 11 Jul 2005 12:25:00 PDT

While it may seem to the casual Lindsay Lohan observer that the starlet has toned down her partying ways lately, true fans (read: obsessed bloggers) know that the relative quiet on the Lohan front is due to her presence in Minnesota, where she's shooting Robert Altman's A Prairie Home Companion. Luckily, her antics have been captured by the local media there, where she's been seen getting carded and acting "hyper-active" while shopping at a local vintage clothing shop:

"One of my personal philosophies is to try not to jump to too many conclusions about people," said [shop manager] Menendez. "You know, she's 19 and she lives in a whole different environment; a whole different dimension from the rest of us. I just chalk it up to a tight shooting schedule."
How typically Minnesotan of Menendez to offer up excuses about behavior she was not inclined to confirm. Maybe Ella should be an NYC publicist!

"Well, I think, the description I can give you honestly is that she acted like she was on too much coffee," said Menendez. "And I'll leave it at that."

You just know that Lohan's flack, Leslie Sloane, jotted down that "too much coffee" freebie, which will allow her to mix in a new excuse (the "puberty" line is already stale, and "exercising too hard" only has one or two more turns left) every time Lohan's bony breastplate is featured on the cover of Star.

Getting the lowdown on Lindsay Lohan [Minneapolis Star-Tribune, reg. req'd.—bugmenot]
Previously: Lindsay Lohan Collapses Near Convenient Excuse For Heightened Metabolism! [Defamer]

Comedy Master Class: Vince Vaughn Breaks Down His Roles

Mark — Mon, 11 Jul 2005 11:54:49 PDT

The LAT bribed Vince Vaughn with breakfast and pre-Wedding Crashers debut plug time, distracting him with enough eggs and bacon to induce the actor to hold forth on the differences between Trent, his catchphrase-spawning Swingers character, and his more recent comedic work:

"To me these characters are really different," he said, making an impassioned if not entirely convincing argument. "The character in 'DodgeBall' is sort of not trying at life; he's very lazy. Whereas the guy in 'Wedding Crashers' loves life, and he's extremely motivated. Trent is a smoother character than Jeremy. Where Jeremy loves to eat, likes to dance, Trent never dances in 'Swingers.' He's not a big eater. He's more of a card player. The one thing they have in common is they're both trying to pick up girls."
While it may seem that Vaughn is putting too fine a point on his characters' eating and dancing habits, it's because he is at pains to point out that he takes his job seriously.

Maybe Vaughn will loosen up a little if he ever reaches the pay level of New Gay Mafia (look, we clumsily referenced this twice in consecutive posts!) don Will Ferrell, allowing him to more easily illustrate the nuances of his work, like "the one one where I wore the elf suit" versus "the one where they gave me twenty million to play a Nascar driver."

In other New Gay Mafia news: Ben Stiller defends "personal screenwriters" (like his collaborator, John Hamburg, and Will Ferrell's writer/director/HuffPo blogger Adam McKay against the LAT's insinuation that they are nothing but "perks" for high-priced actors. $250-K-per-week punch-up guys are people, too!

Vince Vaughn takes humor seriously [LAT]

Lesser Celeb Scientologists Attack The Pseudo-Science

Mark — Mon, 11 Jul 2005 10:36:16 PDT

Fellow celeb Scientologists Kirstie Alley and Kelly "Travolta Had Me At The Experts, Once Arye Gross Showed No Interest" Preston have publicly joined Tom Cruise in the Church's crusade against psychiatry, but without any high profile projects to gain them access to a televised session browbeating Matt Lauer over his appalling lack of knowledge of the history of pseudo-science, they've taken up the time-honored practice of activist letter-writing:

Alley and Preston wrote an open letter to the Food and Drug Administration, which reads, "We can no longer sit back and let the clock tick, waiting for more deaths, suicides or people driven to violent acts by psychotropic drugs."
Alley explains, "Parents in particular have been misled about the effects of these drugs. They are highly addictive; kids are using them more than street drugs to get high."

Preston adds, "Parents don't know that these drugs are turning kids into walking time bombs. Eight out of the last 13 school shooters were taking prescribed psychiatric drugs, and only now is the FDA investigating the fact these drugs can cause violence."

At the risk of lending Alley and Preston an endorsement, we just got back from the local grade school, where we swapped a couple of juice bags of Capri Sun and a package of Sno-Balls for an abusively overmedicated fourth-grader's daily Ritalin dosage. We're doing what we can to personally—personally—step kids off this dangerous street drug.

ALLEY, PRESTON AND TRAVOLTA JOIN CRUISE'S ANTI-DRUG CRUSADE [ContactMusic.com]

Sunday Morning Mystery: Zanuck Cuffed On 'Shootout': UPDATE

Mark — Mon, 11 Jul 2005 09:38:46 PDT

A reader sent in these screen captures from yesterday's episode of Sunday Morning Shootout, featuring superannuated producers Robert Evans and Richard Zanuck, understandably wondering why Zanuck appeared on television wearing handcuffs (they are handcuffs, right?) on his left wrist. At the risk of exposing our ignorance about the sartorial quirks and/or incarceration history of white-haired producers, we must admit that we have no idea. Did Evans lend him a pair, suggesting that there's no better way to freak out an "out-call massage therapist" than by suddenly shackling one's wrist to her ankle? Has Zanuck placed himself under some kind of odd self-arrest until frequent collaborator Tim Burton has a hit movie? If anyone knows why he's rocking the jailhouse bling, please share.

A close-up of the cuffs follows after the jump.

UPDATE: We asked, you answered—the explanation follows after the jump.

Thanks for the quick answers to the handcuff "mystery," one that was easily "solved" by "watching the show":

I saw the show...Richard Zanuck told a story about a practical joke in which he sent a telegram back in the day to Robert Evans pretending to be from the producer of Lawrence of Arabia. The telegram said that the producer was interested in Evans for the role of the Arab in the film and that Evans should fly out to London. Zanuck didn't think Evans would really fall for this, but he did and ended up flying to London for no reason.
On the show, Evans told Zanuck that now that he had his confession, he was going to have him thrown in jail for that practical joke. Robert Evans summoned a "police officer" who was dressed as a security guard to come and arrest Zanuck and the "cop" put the cuffs
on Zanuck. Nobody believed this was a real cop for a moment...but they politely laughed at Evans "clever" stunt anyways.

Sunday Morning Shootout [AMCtv].com

Short Ends: Stallions To The Left Of Me, Stallions To The Right

Mark — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 16:54:31 PDT

· Butterscotch Stallion double-shot! Owen Wilson on his beloved nickname: "I love that. It has to be one of the most ridiculous, insane nicknames, but some of my friends have really picked up on it. I think they know it's kind of humiliating to me." Humiliating? Does a rainbow humiliate the sky? Also, the Stallion defiantly shakes his mane in Jay Leno's face tonight.
· "And quickly, a young, shrill, female voice came from backstage: 'It's LO-HAN! LO-HAN!!!'" Why is it so funny that Robert Altman can't remember Lindsay Lohan's name?
· Is it wrong to think that Quentin Tarantino is hanging out (or—shudder—sleeping) with Shar Jackson just for the kitsch value of being photographed with the mother of Britney Spears' layabout husband's illegitimate kids? Either way, nice mindfuck, QT.
· Catherine Zeta Jones' stalker gets three years in prison, a punishment previously established for Mel Gibson's scary prayer-buddy.

Katie Holmes Hypnotized

Mark — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 13:44:45 PDT

We were always a little bit suspicious that Katie Holmes' slavish devotion to Tom Cruise is some kind of post-hypnotic suggestion, subconsciously implanted by a innocent-seeming jaunt to Whole Foods spent listening to Dianetics on tape. After reading this W profile of Holmes, we're absolutely positive she's been mesmerized:

"From the moment I met him," she continues, "it just felt like I'd known him forever. I was blown away. He's the most incredible man. He's so generous and kind, and he helps so many people, and, um, he makes me laugh like I've never laughed, and he's a great friend.…"
This is how the conversation begins; this is also how it continues, and how it ends. No question can do much to change its course.

Do you worry that this might be a rebound romance for either of you?

"I've never met anyone like Tom," Holmes replies, her beautiful green eyes focused on nothing in particular.

Do you ever wonder whether this is just a honeymoon phase?
"Tom and I will always be in our honeymoon phase."

Did you learn anything in your previous relationship (five years with actor Chris Klein, which came to an end when they called off their engagement this past winter) that has been a benefit to this one?

"Chris and I care about each other and we're still friends. Tom is the most incredible man in the world."

The signs are all there: the faraway look in her eyes, the affectless repetition, the inability to stray off-message. There's nothing left for us to do except hope that the post-hypnotic suggestion has unexpected, amusing side-effects, like if every time Holmes hears a telephone ring, she's compelled to bark like a dog, then recite all of Jonathan Lipnicki's dialogue from Jerry Maguire.

Oh, and make sure you don't miss the slideshow picture of Holmes in a wedding dress. It's truly chilling.

Holmes Sweet Holmes [Style.com]

1 Slight In Paris

Mark — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 12:21:06 PDT

Hey, did you know it's Friday? That means it's time for a probably apocryphal (but nonetheless enjoyable) gossip-crumpet from the dirt-dishing troublemakers from 'cross the pond:

Backstage at Live8 Ricky Gervais was at the side of the stage. Paris Hilton walked up to him and said how much she liked his stuff.

Ricky: "Have we met before?"
Paris "Yes. I'm Paris Hilton"
Ricky "Oh, sorry Paris, I didn't recognise you without a cock in your mouth."

Exit Paris in a huff.

Don't be scandalized. When a Brit says "cock," it really does sound charming.

Popbitch

Pitt And Clooney, The New Kings Of Vegas

Mark — Fri, 08 Jul 2005 09:27:31 PDT

Having enjoyed countless high-stakes gambling trips to Las Vegas and after starring together in the hit casino heist flick Ocean's Eleven, Hollywood pals Brad Pitt and George Clooney are taking the next, logical step: building their own casino. Reports Page Six:

BRAD Pitt and his pal George Clooney just inked a deal with nightclub nabob Rande Gerber to build a new Las Vegas hotel and casino. But while the stars don't have to put in a dime, they'll get a hefty slice of the proceeds."George and Brad are not putting in any money, but they will be getting a percentage of the profits," our well-placed insider says. "Brad will design the hotel and be the face of it with George. After 'Ocean's Eleven,' this makes perfect sense and the three of them are very good friends." Pitt and Gerber first started talking about the project two years ago and recently brought Clooney into the deal.

Pitt did tell Oprah that if he wasn't an actor, he'd be an architect, so his designing of a billion-dollar structure seems to make sense. In fact, Defamer has obtained Pitt's early design for the new casino, which follows after the jump.

With the designing duties in good hands, Clooney can turn his full attention to stocking the building with tail. Successful casino planning is all about specialization.

[Click the image for a larger version.]

BRAD, GEORGE CASINO KINGS [NY Post]

The Part Where Willy Wonka Dusts The Elephant Man's Bones Is Entirely Coincidental

Mark — Thu, 07 Jul 2005 12:34:40 PDT

Is there something unsettlingly familiar about Johnny Depp's portrayal of Willy Wonka in the upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? The E! Online wonders aloud:

The longish black hair. The pale skin. The ornate suit jacket. The—how should we say?—less than traditional adult male speaking voice.

...The giant, kid-enticing compound full of treats, exotic animals, and carnival rides? Nah, we don't see it, but who would be surprised if Michael Jackson is examining the economic feasibility of having a Gobstopper factory installed next to the llama pen?

Jacko and the "Chocolate Factory" [E! Online/Yahoo]

Ashton Kutcher Gambles On Nephew's Intestines

Mark — Wed, 06 Jul 2005 12:08:37 PDT

The unfailingly reliable National Enquirer reports that when Ashton Kutcher isn't regifting $3,000 Pottery Barn gift cards, Ugg boots, and garter belts (!) to his disabled brother back in Cedar Rapids, he and fiancée Demi Moore display a surprising curiosity about the human gastrointestinal system:

"Our newborn son was constipated while we were staying with them over Thanksgiving last year. Demi thought she could help by rubbing homeopathic oil on his stomach, massaging his intestinal tract. When she did Ashton told her she was massaging the intestinal tract the wrong way. "They made a $500 bet on which way the intestinal tract moves down the stomach.

"They went online and found Demi was right. Ashton pulled out five $100 bills and gave them to Demi.

Did the incredibly generous couple already forget their Kabbalah first-aid training? The Centre's 72 Names For Healing clearly prescribes that the treatment for a stopped-up baby includes lighting a candle that smells like God, tying a red string around the baby's wrist, then making a thousand-dollar bet about which orifice will first expel the byproduct of a vigorous Kabbalah Water enema.

DEMI AND ASHTON ARE BRANDED COLD, SELFISH AND MEAN [MyWay/Nat'l Enquirer via Goldenfiddle]

Johnny Knoxville Lays The Groundwork For His Career Contingency Plan

Mark — Wed, 06 Jul 2005 11:01:14 PDT

Laugh at Johnny Knoxville's tabloid-attracting, alleged Jessica Simpson-porking activities if you must, but he's obviously got the entertainment business figured out:

He tells the mag [Elle] that if he had to sleep with a man, it'd be "David Geffen - you might has well hump your way to the top."

We don't want to get into a detailed discussion of top/bottom dynamics among industry moguls, but we think that technically speaking, Knoxville would be getting humped to the top once his career cools off.

The briefing (third item) [NY Daily News]